What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
narrowing the parameters of a meltdown
Happy Wednesday!
Last week we talked about a favorite question, What Do I Need Right Now, and before that we covered What Would Neal Caffrey Do…
Today we are talking about narrowing the gap of the meltdown, with some thoughts about approach, and some thoughts about techniques, and how we might practice this.
Narrowing the territory of the meltdown
Let’s begin where we are (right here)
I am still thinking about the ongoing theme (of many) that came up while talking shop in my mind with Neal Caffrey, fictional con artist, and someone I am always drawn to.
Not the con artist part, obviously, but the getting out of a tight spot part. Embodying that wits-about-you, always ready to improvise spirit.
There’s something about this character who is so creative, inventive, and embodied. Someone who trains hard, trusts their instincts and wears the hell out of a hat, and so this is what I’ve been exploring.
But as Spike pointed out a couple weeks ago in the comments, the main takeaway from communing with Neal Caffrey is that even if (aka when!) you’re in a meltdown, you can always narrow the parameters of the meltdown.
It’s an option. It’s a great option!
You can always narrow the parameters of a meltdown
You can slow it down, narrow the scope, make the gap smaller, make the passage more navigable. Make it easier to pass through.
What do we know about this? What else is there to learn about this?
And where do we start?
Other than with this knowledge that a meltdown can be narrowed, the gap can be narrowed, safe passage is here for us…
Where do we start?
With Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, of course.
That’s the practice, and we keep practicing.
Meltdowns happen!
Meltdowns happen!
In part because they are a part of life — things don’t go as we expect or hope, that’s so real!
In part because there are so many extenuating circumstances, and in part because the game is rigged.
There’s always more to do, there’s the mystery of the ever-lengthening list, there are interpersonal challenges and boundaries being crossed, and the whole damn human condition, combined with the zeitgeist.
And, even for people who aren’t neurodivergent and constantly under a barrage of sensory overload, you are still dealing with being a person in this world, and all the [everything] that goes along with that. The anxiety-stress-tension combined with all the expectations, real and perceived.
Existing is fraught, friends
Existing is fraught, friends.
I am saying that in the exact same tone that my chiropractor says, “Bodies are weird, dude”, which they are. They really are.
The hard things are hard! And there are so many of them! In the micro and in the macro, in the home and in the news.
It is so deeply reasonable to have a meltdown, or several meltdowns. As many as you need, and then some. No judgment here.
To extremely paraphrase Oscar Wilde, I often have six impossible meltdowns before breakfast.
What do we even mean by existing
I’m not even just talking about existing or surviving inside of the confines of capitalism, or in a terrifying pandemic, or in the climate crisis, or the political unrest, or any of the big things.
Just being a person in a body in a culture, it’s a lot, even before any of those other stressors, which are, you guessed it, also a lot.
We are all going through so much. And now that many of us more or less live online, we are also picking up on even more ambient energy than before, so everyone else’s big feelings can start to feel like our feelings.
So yes, it’s a lot, and if it feels like A Lot heading into Too Much heading into Overload and The Bad Place, I get it, and that’s so real. It’s not fun. It’s extremely understandable and reasonable, and also it remains really, truly not fun.
You’re doing amazing, sweetie. And it is a reasonable meltdown.
And repeat…
Applying the balm of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy to a meltdown is, of course, not even slightly the only tool we have to narrow the gap of a meltdown, but it is one that we can keep practicing and repeating, layering on more of it.
If I were going to draw my X Step Process to shrinking the meltdown, between every step I would just repeat the step of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.
Meltdowns make sense! Sometimes it feels like they are required and the only possible answer or response to too many stressors. It’s honesty so reasonable and so understandable.
And I wish the world we live in could be infinitely kinder towards all of us. In the meantime, can we be a little kinder towards ourselves? Maybe…
A clue for me, and possibly also a clue for you
My meltdowns often take the form of rage and fury, and maybe underneath there is grief, pain, sorrow, a deep well of sadness. And before I get to any of that, I need to make room for the anger to just exist.
I try to remember the wise words of Karla McClaren, and I am paraphrasing here, but it’s something like, “Anger is a messenger that only ever has one message, and the message is that a boundary has been crossed and needs to be repaired.”
So yes. I acknowledge my anger, I try to make room for the anger, I remind myself that my anger-feelings are a reasonable, understandable and legitimate response to what I’m going through. (To be clear, I’m talking about the feelings themselves, not talking about behavior, that’s its own topic.)
And then, assuming my anger is a messenger who always delivers the same message, I want to tend to the edges, the boundaries of my domain: my physical body and physical space, my emotional self, etc.
The tending questions
This is the time to ask: How am I doing, am I giving myself what I need, am I trying to take care of other people’s needs and forgetting about my own…?
Have I forgotten to rest? Probably!
Have I forgotten to tend to myself, have I given up on what’s important to me because all the [crises & situations] are demanding my attention and energy…?
What do I need? What do I need right now?
What would help the most?
What would help?
What would restore my sense of peace, my sense of self, my sense that my own needs in my body as well as my time and my space are vitally important actually, and I don’t want to neglect them or forget about them…
So often I perceive people or situations as trampling me, when also I have forgotten to preserve my space, I have forgotten how to say no, or that I get to say no, or that I can say, “hey this doesn’t work for me, let’s figure out another way”, and so on.
Thanks to the messenger (my anger), I know what I’m probably upset about. Boundaries, again.
So what do we try next?
Whether or not this clue about anger as a messenger resonates with you, and whether or not you can relate to my own sense that it’s too easy to take on the mood of the internet or the outside world…
Either way, here is a practice that I do several times a day, and more when I’m in meltdown mode. It starts with a question:
How much of this [anger / emotion / meltdown sensation / energy] is mine? How much really and truly comes from me and belongs to me?
And for me, personally, the answer has never been more than 9%, but quite often it’s more like 3-5% at most.
So if the rest of it is not mine, that’s useful information, because, check this out, I am not obligated to carry the moods, emotions and energy of the world! Or of the people in my life, for that matter
I can love them and support them and still not be a repository for their feelings.
Whoosh!
At the Playground, my former retreat center in Portland, Oregon, there was an old, closed-off elevator shaft, and we would practice whooshing all energy that didn’t belong to us into the elevator shaft and down into the earth to be deconstructed and healed, all energy just returns to energy.
If you don’t have a handy elevator shaft, real or imaginary, you can give it or imagine giving it to the mountains, the sea, the sky, to a higher power if that’s your thing.
Return to sender! Or return to the earth…
May all energy that is not mine and does not belong to me return to sender!
Or may it return to the earth, break down into its most basic components and be released as pure possibility.
I make room for whatever anger and hurt feelings are mine, and at the same time I do not agree to carry or hold onto any angry or other emotion that does not belong to me.
Whoosh! Whoosh, goodbye, all the energy & [big feels] that isn’t mine and doesn’t need to be hanging out in my body-mind.
If right now, 5% of the emotions in this meltdown belong to me, then I hereby release the other 95% into the ether.
Rinse, repeat
I keep doing this with big exhalations (lion’s breath, if you’ve ever done that in a movement class), as loud as I can if I’m alone.
Otherwise, you can always do what the late and beloved Barbara Sher called silent screaming, where you scream ten screams in a row but they don’t make a sound. This is a good practice you can do in a bathroom or somewhere no one is watching.
Generally speaking, you’ll feel some relief around the seventh one, but keep going, do all ten!
And with each lioness-esque (how’s that for a fun word to say) exhale or silent scream, I am releasing that 95% that isn’t mine…
My anger feelings are legitimate, my meltdown is legitimate, and also all the parts that are not mine and do not belong to me can find their way out of my space.
Do you feel a little better?
Sometimes I also try to figure out how much of the Big Feelings are from now, and it’s usually almost none of them, so we can practice Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the feelings from Then.
And we can also practice whoosh-breathe-release with the Then feelings, because now is now, now is not then.
The then-feelings are legitimate, their message is useful, and also we are right here, right now.
The part that is a now-resonance of then is so reasonable!
And the part that is truly from Then can be met with love, and also we don’t have to hold onto it, we can put it in a beautiful museum exhibit of things we have been through, or any other solution that comes to you.
Treasure
As you know, I feel very strongly about not forcing or requiring gratitude as a practice, I actually think it’s super violent to make people find the good before they’re ready to.
And, also, in my own experience, there is often enormous treasure inside of a meltdown.
Often the meltdown reveals to me what I am upset about, where I am hurting, what I need. And sometimes thinking about how to meet that need offers up a delightfully unexpected, simple, elegant solution to whatever I’m melting down over.
Or at least an idea of what to try next.
No forcing, just wondering and clarifying…
So without forcing, without requiring myself to feel thankful, I can also ask:
Where is the treasure in this meltdown? What is useful or informative about this meltdown?
And maybe that’s something I can journal on, a stone to skip.
I will never advocate for forced gratitude. And also, sometimes this gentle question, asked with curiosity and love, reveals so much.
Sometimes there is treasure for me, sometimes I’m able to shift my focus to what is working as opposed to what isn’t, and sometimes that list of what is working is so much longer than I realized.
Sometimes looking at what is working, while giving legitimacy to what isn’t working, gives me some idea sparks about what to try, or where to begin.
Either way…
Either way, interacting with a pattern changes the pattern, and interacting with a meltdown shifts the meltdown.
Good job! You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Braver than the marines.
At least, this is what I tell myself when I’m in a meltdown and when I’m interacting with it, narrowing the gap, shifting what is.
Okay, let’s review
Here are all the things we tried!
- Applying acknowledgment & legitimacy
- How much of this is mine?
- Whoosh! Big exhale!
- Return to sender / return to the earth
- What would help?
- What do I need?
- What is working?
And then, of course, we just keep applying acknowledgment & legitimacy as we go. The step between all the other steps.
Can you try other things?
Of course. Always. You live in your body and I live in mine, and people vary, different things work for different people. These are just ideas and starting points.
Maybe what helps you is Legs Up The Wall. Maybe what helps you is a mini dance party and a replenishing glass of water. Whatever works, I support it.
Try anything we are talking about here, try other things, feel out what works for you.
And hey, in case this helps…
A friend recently texted me about feeling bad (upset, embarrassed) about a public meltdown that was simply unpreventable due to the circumstances.
And I was like, Oh, not only are you talking to an autistic person but specifically one who is not allowed to go back to the Apple store in Tucson. Like this is safe space.
Obviously, in an ideal world, we want to have good tools and good self-knowledge, and the ability to use these to our benefit in such a way that we are able to either not get into the external situations that set off a meltdown, or the skills to extricate swiftly.
Here’s to all the self-extricating superpowers! Here’s to allies who have our back.
And also sometimes it happens.
Sometimes it happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So if anyone out there needs the reminder that this has happened to me, it has.
Sometimes I really, truly publicly fall the fuck apart, especially when there are loud noises and bright lights and sensory overload gets the best of me.
What helps, again
You know what’s not helpful? Shame and self-critical mechanisms. All the monsters monstering, all the stories we tell ourselves about how badly we fucked up. The persistent blame-laced narratives about how we just need to be more zen and stay calm, how we should be able to cope better than we can.
You know what is helpful?
Of course. Acknowledgment & Legitimacy. Exhale x10. Whoosh goodbye, energy that is not mine.
Asking the kind, curious, compassionate, loving-clarity questions. How much of this is mine? How much of this is from now? How much of this is supportive? What do I need? What would help most right now?
And then doing what helps. The practice of We Do Grounding Things. Get on the ground, or legs up the wall, or silent screams or rolling around. Whatever helps that doesn’t harm anyone, I support it.
What’s next
We practice. We take notes about what works or what’s helpful, what we might want to try next time.
We practice releasing judgment, and giving ourselves more credit.
We remind ourselves that meltdowns happen, and the extenuating circumstances are many, and the external energy is loud, and there are a lot of simultaneous disaster situations we’re dealing with as a collective, as well as in the personal and interpersonal. It’s so much.
One of my August wishes is to give myself more credit, tend to myself with more sweetness and care, make allowances for circumstances. We Do Grounding Things, and we give ourselves credit.
Yes, let’s give ourselves more credit and keep going
We give ourselves credit and we keep going.
We narrow the gap.
Honestly just recognizing that this is an option is the epitome of You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie, and so we try to remember that too.
We’re trying things, and we’re doing it together.
Come play in the comments, I love company!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials! Coming soon…
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email this summer…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
What do I need right now
Happy I guess it’s Thursday now!
Last Wednesday we talked about What Would Neal Caffrey Do and narrowing the gap of the meltdown, before that we covered studying The Blade…
Today we are talking pugs, post-exertional malaise, what to do when the vibes are off and there’s nothing to be done about it, and my favorite question…
And just some notes before we get into it
This week’s essay is delayed because we had to switch hosting platforms, and it took longer than expected!
Oh, also FYI I am still somehow on twitter which is now X, and sucks, but I’m there (@havi), just barely hanging on but you can still find me there for now, and am on bluesky, same handle: havi.bsky.social
Okay, I didn’t want to write today because my feelings are too big, too feelings-ey, but sometimes that’s how the truth comes out. Let’s begin and see what happens. A breath for right here right now.
What do I need right now?
The vibes are off today
The vibes are off today.
Yet again (yet again?) feeling very unstable, but is that the stress, the heat, the hormones, the astrology, the built-up pressure of the to do list, the agonizing frustration of dealing with [an unsolvable situation that keeps getting more complicated], hurt about a new betrayal that is not like the other ones, definitely pms, some exhaustion from not sleeping enough, the barometric pressure bending my mind…
And the no bones situation (will explain shortly), that’s also a thing.
Who can say. It’s a lot of factors. Probably some I’m forgetting.
Goodbye, goodbye
Also we lost Sinéad O’Connor on Wednesday, and if that isn’t a rip in the fabric of collective consciousness, a tear and a tear (something torn, drops shed in sorrow), a disruption in the force, I don’t know what is.
I listened to Nothing Compares 2 U on repeat for hours today in the kitchen, high volume, windows open, that’s one benefit of living way out in the country, no one to disturb except the hummingbirds and the bunnies, and they didn’t seem to mind.
What a force, what a special person who cared so deeply and was right about so many things, and wronged by just about everyone. If you haven’t already listened to the You’re Wrong About Sinéad O’Connor episode, please listen to it.
Voyages past
In 2017, in the throes of hearbreak and rage-fury, I set off on a road trip that ended up lasting for six weeks, I called it my Scream Across America tour, and that’s basically what I did until I lost my voice for the tenth time, and figured I should stop damaging myself.
But when I wasn’t screaming, I was listening to that song on repeat.
Not because it conveyed how I felt about that person, who was and remains unworthy of a song of that caliber, but because it so accurately conveys the vicissitudes of heartache, the intensely contradictory elements that a grief spiral is composed of.
This is a song that holds the blankness of grief at the same time as the pain, the lashing out, the pleading and bargaining, the denial, the attempt to convince yourself that maybe it’s good actually but also the flowers died, but also you have to go out all night so that you can sleep all day, the extravagantly poor choices we make as a way to drown sorrows, all of it at once.
All of it at once
Yes, it was written by Prince, but she breathed life into it, you can feel the lived experience of raw broken-heartedness, and that is the state I was in when my voice was gone, Wyoming becoming South Dakota, becoming Minnesota, and so on.
This song, over and over again.
All the feelings, all at once. Combined.
Return voyage
Last week I was in Tucson getting treatment for my back pain and attempting to take care of [all the many things that need taking care of except I can’t take care of them on my property when I don’t have phone service or reliable wifi].
The drive back was brutal. Absolutely harrowing.
I left hours too late and it was already close to dark. As I headed onto the freeway, a huge dust storm started up, violent winds, almost no visibility, debris flying across the road, trucks veering out of lanes.
It turned into a lightning storm, huge flashes of lightning cutting through the sky every ten seconds or so, and then a massive downpour, also impossible to see anything, then back to lightning.
Drove through a fire zone with terrible air, then more lightning storms followed more rainstorms, a risky passage across the continental divide, a a bunch of deer suddenly in the road, more storms.
Just white-knuckled it for hours, arrived after midnight, unpacked the car in a storm.
Rest and more rest
All of that was way too much, and especially too much for one person, and especially too much for one person who is me.
I spent the weekend resting in bed, and that was not enough rest, so have been resting or mostly resting most of the week.
What’s a better term for PEM (post-exertional malaise), I asked this question while journaling and couldn’t find an answer but then an answer found me.
Bones day: y/n
Sometimes a clue comes in the most delightfully unlikely place, and I got mine from an old episode of The Blast Zone (a favorite podcast).
The question of the day is:
Is it a bones day or a no bones day?
Apparently this is one of the many social phenomena I missed out on during early pandemic, but it seems there was a popular and ancient pug named Noodle who was on Tiktok.
The pug’s person would lift Noodle up each day and ask if it’s a bones day or a no bones day, then set Noodle down. If he remained upright and stable, it meant yes, it’s a bones day, and if he collapsed into a pug-puddle, that’s a no bones day.
The trials and tribulations of being an anxious sweetie
I did not know of this pug they were referencing, but of course am picturing it like Josh Gondelman and Maris Kreizman’s pug. Bizzy.
Please read this wonderful piece about Bizzy, which includes this absolutely delightful bit:
And we’ll say, “Yeah, we’ve heard of CBD, and it doesn’t work for our anxious Jewish dog. She has a stress more powerful than CBD can remedy.”
I am also an anxious Jewish sweetie pie, and my stress is, tragically, also more powerful than CBD can remedy, so this is extremely relatable content for me specifically.
Rest in puddly peace, Noodle
Okay I also looked up Noodle, who sadly passed in December 2022, and then I read this essay that I momentarily thought was AI, but it’s by a person, though who knows, possibly my perception that I am regularly reading AI when I am not is related not only to the zeitgeist but how most of what I read these days is my own semi-chaotic thoughts.
Rest in puddly peace, sweet Noodle.
I get why everyone loved you, and it doesn’t need to be explained.
Pug-puddle mode
Anyway, I think that’s what I’m going through right now:
A no bones day is rest day and collapse
Bones day is let’s do this thing.
(Today is a no bones day and what if that’s fine)
(Yes it is fine)
(Yes, it doesn’t feel fine, and yet here we are)
Pug-puddle is simply a much better term than post-exertional malaise. It’s a no-bones day, baby that’s how it is. This is what we have to work with.
Get up, Trinity
Lately I have been over-extending myself, over-exerting, because I have to, because of circumstances.
I’ve been spending too much time, overtime, in Get Up, Trinity mode. Sometimes that’s really helpful for me, sometimes it’s exactly what is needed, and sometimes it isn’t.
A Bones day is for Get Up, Trinity / Get it done, Trinity! Take one step, Trinity, you’ve got this, Trinity.
I love you, Trinity. I really fucking do. Miracles, miracles.
Channeling Trinity helps.
Returning to the protocols
You can’t force a Bones day though. Some days are just a No Bones day, and it is what it motherfucking is:
Rest Up, Trinity! Don’t Get Up Today, Trinity.
As my friend Kat says, no bones days are a thing, and we have a protocol, and that protocol is LIE DOWN, TRINITY.
Resting helps.
Channeling compassion
Channeling compassion and a potent dose of Loving Clarity.
Channeling acknowledgment & legitimacy.
Returning to the useful questions…
Returning to the useful questions
Ah, the useful questions, for example:
What do I need right now? What would help the most? Other than pug pics, but maybe that’s where we begin.
Whatever works.
Whatever works
What is the most supportive course of action for a No Bones day if that’s where I’m at?
How can I rest well so that when I need to be in Get Up, Trinity mode, I can channel those resources of strength, courage and fortitude?
How can I tend to myself with sweetness? How can I take good care of myself, in Bones mode & No-Bones mode?
To love and to cherish…
I highly doubt that I will ever marry again (unless someone is offering either the good health insurance or EU citizenship, in which case: TALK TO ME!!!), but if I do, the wedding vows will substitute “in bones mode and in no-bones mode” for in sickness and in health.
To love and to cherish. In bones mode and no-bones mode. This at least is something I can do for myself right now, and if I can’t, then at least it’s a clue towards where I’m headed.
How can I best cherish myself, my No-Bones-Day self, because that’s my commitment. Let’s keep figuring this out together.
Questions!
Questions we can play with or stones we can skip…
What are some good ways you’ve found to differentiate between a bones day and a no bones day? What clues tell you you’re trying to force a bones day?
How do you show yourself extra compassion on a No Bones day? How do you keep from over-exerting on a Bones day?
What helps? What would help even more than that!
And if you are having a No Bones day then high five, my friend, and happy PPD (pug puddle day) to you, I hope it is restful and replenishing. If today is a Bones Day, then godspeed.
Bon Courage. The collective thanks you for your service!
Come play in the comments, I love company!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials! Coming soon…
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email this summer…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
WWNCD
Happy Wednesday!
Last Wednesday we talked about studying The Blade, before that we covered A Good Obsession.
Today is about my deep abiding love for fictional con artist Neal Caffrey, and how I turned this into my favorite journaling prompt. It is also, as usual, about habits, patterns, goals, practice, feeling feelings and wishing wishes. Let’s investigate!
WWNCD
What Would Neal Caffrey Do?
I wrote in a recent essay, A Good Obsession, about my heart-felt, almost aching affinity for the character Neal Caffrey on the show White Collar, how his birthday is two weeks after mine exactly. We were born in March 1977, the same month the Fleetwood Mac album Dreams came out. We are both dreamy people.
Dreamy and intense, which is fitting.
Dreamy dreamy people
Yes, we are both dreamy, creative, joy-loving and pleasure-seeking missiles, and also people who can sometimes get into tight spots. Neal can get out of them, so let’s channel some of that, please.
Obviously we are also different…
(Neal is a professional con artist who loves luxury and, through a combination of luck and flattery, scored a Manhattan penthouse for a symbolic amount of rent, while I am whatever the opposite of a con artist is, who lives in under 200sq ft in rural New Mexico without hot water, heat or air conditioning, we are not the same.)
And yet, I feel this kinship with him, drawn towards what he symbolizes for me, and I also admire the way he extricates himself from tough situation. Mainly I admire his fearless trust in his own luck and skill…
The question / A question
A question I ask whenever I am feeling stuck, stymied, frustrated, or any form of not-at-ease, something is off:
What Would Neal Caffrey Do?
I have asked this so many times that I have developed a sort of WWNCD self who is not Neal Caffrey the character, but more a version of me who embodies his qualities and attributes. Or maybe, a version of me who can make better guesses in answer to the question What Would Neal Caffrey Do.
Or maybe just the most Neal-Caffrey-esque version of me who can exist alongside me. Maybe I am becoming Neal Caffrey, sometimes and in some ways, through the process of asking this question every day.
Today I am sharing some excerpts from my journal, where I either ask this question (What Would Neal Caffrey Do), or request advice and loving counsel from the version of me who can channel these Neal Caffrey powers.
They are all on different topics, but honestly, all these topics are also interrelated.
How awkward is it, Havi? Medium amounts of awkward!
Is it a little awkward and vulnerable to share this? Yes!
But I’m doing it in the interest of modeling my process, and maybe it will inspire you to do some playful journaling as well with an aspect of yourself, or with a character you care about deeply.
It’s like fanfic therapy, or something, I don’t know what to call it. Ideas and suggestions are welcome.
Let’s play!
Processing related to mysteries of love and sorrow
Me: Feeling so many big feelings and am deep in my stickiest stuck stuff, and it sucks. It sucks to think that I will never be able to love or trust again. (Is that a monster story, aka an unhelpful self-critical sneaky internal narrative? Maybe! Probably! It feels super true in the moment!)
Ruminating on past and current experiences, it really just keeps coming down to the same thing; loving people who are just not dependable in the every day.
Meirav, my therapist from 1996, would say that this is a form of re-creating the dynamic that is most familiar to me from childhood, and sure, I’m not arguing that point.
Mainly my big sadness feelings can be summed up like this: I would actually love to have closeness, intimacy, pleasure, joy, real connection again, but at this point how do I know that there will be a non-vanisher, there have been too many Mysterious Disappearers!
What is the opposite of a vanishing act, what is something steady? And how do I maintain steadiness and faith and connection to myself in the face of these repeated Mysterious Disappearances?
WWNCD: It sounds like you’re looking for the quality of EQUANIMITY. You crave Equanimity.
Drawn to equanimity vs in too much pain to consider it
Me: Yes, where is the equanimity, and how do I even channel that.
Also, let’s be honest, these last vanishing and re-vanishings do not hurt even slightly as much as the big awful one, like not even in the same realm, they are almost unrelated.
And is that numbness or is that getting used to it, or is it simply having zero expectations at this point, or is it understanding at a deep fundamental level that they are not good for me, not a good fit? Which they are not!
Seriously, they have zero self-fluency skills, they think their emotions are knowledge if they can even get that far, and they don’t communicate what’s going on for them.
What I want is fulfilling connection and building trust, and a generosity of spirit, someone who is willing to talk things out with me right away, to bring things up, to resolve whatever is going on with me, in collaboration and companionship, even if they still need to disappear, I want to be included in the process.
Equanimity is related to trusting trust
WWNCD: It’s interesting that you won’t let yourself feel the hurt. The hurt is obviously there, what X did was super shitty, what all of them did was at best cruel and disrespectful.
They chose retreating into their own fear over being clear, open, honest, loving and committed with you, they absolutely conned you, and you have the right to be really fucking angry about it, or any other feeling you’re feeling.
Trust needs to be earned, and no one has earned yours, and that itself is okay, at least in the sense of it is what it is right now.
It doesn’t mean you don’t have lost the capacity to trust forever, you actually have a tremendous capacity to trust, it just means that no one has earned it yet and honestly they haven’t even tried.
Yes, let’s talk about Powered By Equanimity
Me: I don’t know what to think about this situation, I mean, I just have no use for being sad or mad, and I am so bored of being scared, so yes please, Equaniity Powers. Powered by Equanimity!
On the one hand, Equanimity confuses me. I keep thinking, “Okay but how do I get there?”
On the other hand, I feel so much closer than I have ever been to this, because I am so hurt that I am somehow also eerily calm right now.
But also all the current options for what to do next are so miserable, and that is a direct result of [betrayal], and I do not feel Equanimity about that yet.
Equanimity as the ultimate power move
WWNCD: Equanimity is such a power move. A seriously baller move.
Hell yeah, don’t respond, just strategize!
That’s how we do it.
Not reacting is the power play of all time. Just decide in your head how you are going to maneuver this into a win, but don’t show your hand, don’t show them anything.
Talk to me about Not-Panicking
Me: I know what doesn’t work (getting overwhelmed, panicking, meltdown, tears, avoidance), and I know what does work or at least what helps, aka consciously choosing towards It Solves Itself, and Into The Pot or into the cauldron.
In other words: Do something else, something intentional, and let the situation percolate.
Breathe. Move or be still. Either one is good.
Move or be still
Move (yoga, dance, pace, stretch, roll, hum, yawn, any stim in a storm).
And be still (sit and meditate, light a candle, ask your friends to light candles), and of course, talk to your wise incoming selves, skip stones or otherwise journal on it, feel it out.
And even though yes, I am infinitely better than previously at turning away from what doesn’t work and towards what does work, I still get tripped up.
Honestly, I get super overwhelmed and also, it’s very hard to talk to X who only wants me to be in a good mood, which is not something I can conjure up when everything is so tenuous.
Practice makes familiar
WWNCD: I think this is a good setup, those two starting points are huge. Turning away from the panic and towards doing what helps. Lighting a candle for It Solves Itself, and then straight into We Do Grounding Things.
We are only looking at narrowing the gap of the meltdown so that we can go straight to what helps (which you’re already doing, just doing it more often, and having it be speedy and immediate).
Good job, you are PRACTICING, and part of practice is fucking up and starting over, you’re doing great, you have the right approach and the right idea, no big mysteries, just space and time and sleep on it.
Sleeping on it is a great way to let a situation percolate while you heal up. I believe in this and I believe in the healing process.
(I know you hate “trust the process”, but I’m doing it for you!)
How do I believe more deeply in It Solves Itself?
Me: How do I believe more deeply in It Solves Itself?
WWNCD: You keep noticing it and naming it. Like with the Luck Journal practice, right? That’s a practice of steady noticing.
That’s very smart, and of course you keep giving yourself credit for what’s working, and you get more sleep, and you make a list, and we get things off the list, and we do what we can.
One fractal step at a time. Let’s keep the faith. It will either solve itself or it won’t, but fretting over it isn’t the answer. We are making new answers.
Stay playful?
Me: I guess I am at a loss for what to think or know or do, other than that the answer is hang on, trust, keep doing my best, keep writing every day, keep journaling on next steps, stay playful?
And of course, Reduce & Destroy: pare down, simplify, invite in simple elegant solutions.
I am glad that I have these clear indicated steps and also it feels like really not enough..
Hmmm, I feel really …. not sure what this feeling is, bleak, and it’s not the usual hopelessness monsters, it’s something else plus that.
Focus on the mission at hand
WWNCD: We’ve been in worse/ harder / weirder situations and made it through unscathed.
This isn’t even a climb on top of a moving tram high in the air above the water to save a painting situation (White Collar reference!), it’s not the emergency you think it is, even if you are experiencing it as an emergency. So let’s not let this take on a big fear valence.
Instead let’s do something else. Let’s stay steady and focus on the mission at hand.
Yes to Operation Reduce & Destroy, we are working towards a better way and we will find a way.
And maybe this is also related to your wish about being cherished and not-disappeared-on, so sure, there are a lot of moments of No in order to get to the new Yeses, that’s how it goes.
Proxy time
Me: Okay, this is a proxy situation (investigating something entirely unrelated as a way to secretly to work through whatever is stuck), are you ready?
What do we know about Pine Syrup, like making syrup from pinecones or pine needles?
I love the idea of pine syrup in everything, and also not buying it but just having it. So fun, especially for unique desserts but also in beverages or in sparkling water or with a shrub.
Also I love the idea of a foraging basket and quart jars, I love that you don’t have to can it to preserve, and really could just make a big batch.
Oh, and love the idea of really getting to know the trees here…
What are you talking about?
WWNCD: Yes, yes, pine syrup! Yes, it’s like making wine.
Me: Gotta say, I’m confused. Like, I know you know enough about making wine to know that it is not like making wine, it’s not even slightly like making wine, what are you talking about?
WWNCD: It’s a transformative process that uses time and sweetness to let something become tantalizingly delicious. No forcing, just allowing. Making space for the transformation.
And of course, you worked in a vineyard once upon a time, so you already know about gathering things at the right time, and you know about waiting patiently too.
Me: It’s true, I do know that.
Reduce & Destroy
Me: Let’s talk more about Reduce & Destroy, my plan to pare everything down even more, go tinier, go more devotional.
WWNCD: I like how you think, this is very smart, a small life that is large.
I’ll also say that even though I didn’t appreciate it at the time, this is exactly was what my short leash in NYC gave me; a refined contained life of wine, friends, striking views and ritualized pleasure.
So much happened there at the table or on the balcony, a contained life can contain more than you would expect, and it was rent-free, which is what you’re working towards too…
Rent-free, great views, steady work at something you are good at, while dreaming up something bigger and better that will allow you to do creative work, live simply, have what you need. It’s fair to say you’re not con artist material, but you are very much a creative, playful dreamer.
Parameters
WWNCD: Operation Reduce & Destroy is about the parameters.
It’s about consciously creating the parameters of a Simple Luscious Life.
It’s wouldst thou love to live deliciously on a very low budget, this is for you. I love this for you. This can happen.
You are a luscious minimalist, a lone desert fox. Do you know that your dreams and wishes are extremely reasonable? They are.
What if where you want to be is where you are?
WWNCD: I want to point out that for all your wild unconventional leanings, you really create and crave the domestic, in the specific sense that you love interior design and making meals. You love a picnic with a view.
Having a small arbor of trees will suit your spirit, you are beloved by the wilds, you are at home here.
Also you don’t need cities the way that I need Paris or Milan, this is useful here, you aren’t in prison, you aren’t in a trap, you’re where you want to be. And with many of the practices and rituals you want in place
You’re just looking to both simplify and expand, to have camping space for friends to visit and a cozy writing bungalow for retreat guests to come for glorious stays, it’s a beautiful dream, let’s make it happen.
Talk to me about Paring Down even more
Me: I have already pared down so much, how will it even go to pare down more?
WWNCD: You’d be surprised. You are not hungry, for anything, and that’s your power. It will come to you. There will be enough of what you need, but, more importantly, you have the ingredients in place to get through this. You can be astonished by how little you need, but also I like the idea of you asking for support.
Talk to me about [a wish I have]
WWNCD: People call me a Confidence Man, but think of it more as “confidence, man.”
You make your own luck. Be dapper. Wear the hat. Do things that make you feel wildly sexy, and then be that, embody it, own it, dance it, stretch it, undulate it, and have it be second nature again.
If you build it, they will come. And if they don’t, then they don’t deserve you. Wherever you are is where the big magic is regardless.
Occupy yourself with the mission
Me: I really do want to know what Neal’s next move would be.
WWNCD: The Neal Caffrey move is supreme confidence: yes to the right hat, yes to morning rituals, to a clean, high-magic, unique living space, yes to a good cocktail.
Neal loves to flirt but he is not distraught when it doesn’t work; he always knows that more and better is coming.
He occupies himself with the next heist and his pursuit of freedom, and that is what you need to be doing too.
Stay focused on the mission.
The good flirting will come, sure, but more importantly, the good everything will come.
You have your work cut out for you: Reduce & Destroy. Pare down. Train steadily. Wish your wishes. Breathe through it. Take the next indicated steps, one at a time, keep checking in.
What else do I need to know / what comes next?
WWNCD: You are doing everything right, Havi Bell Brooks who is a bell.
You train hard, you have steady practices that ground you. You live by ritual and repetition. You turn inward. You reflect and then reflect some more.
Stay on the path, keep talking to me and to your wise selves, keep asking questions with love and curiosity, keep staying attuned to how you feel, trust in the next indicated step.
Is there anything else?
WWNCD: Put on your favorite hat and do something that brings you joy.
What are your questions, explorations, wish-obsessions?
Come play in the comments, I love company!
You are welcome to brainstorm your own questions to ask of your WWNCD self or any other character in pop culture, literature, film, etc. You can wish any wishes, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like.
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials! Coming soon…
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email this summer…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
The blade
Happy Wednesday!
Last Wednesday we talked about A Good Obsession, before that we covered Screening My Wishes.
Today is about studying the blade, among other things.
Among other things. Including wishes. Let’s investigate.
The blade
How did we get here?
A poet with amnesia
A lovely thing about ADHD combined with memory loss from traumatic brain injury and Long Covid Goldfish Brain, is that I am regularly delighted by notes to myself that clearly I have written, and cannot even make a guess about what they mean.
Yet again: What did the poet intend? Who can say.
I am the poet and I forget that I am the poet. There has to be some poetry in that.
This is not new
This is not new, I once made an imaginary art gallery devoted to found notes written by me and forgotten, called The Brautigan Wing.
It is more that both the frequency with which I am baffled and the amount of bafflement (AoB) have gone up significantly since my concussion two years ago.
In February, I jotted down a quote from Ryan Broderick, he must have said this on an episode of the beloved, lost but not forgotten podcast, The Content Mines.
“Arm yourself with a hobby or two.”
Arm yourself
Arm yourself! With a hobby (or two).
I love this so much. Hobbies or passion projects or side quests or rabbit holes or special interest hyperfocus deep dives. I love it all!
God, I love a good obsession. It doesn’t even have to be mine.
Even more so, I love his phrasing which never would have occurred to me. Arm yourself with a hobby or two.
Exploring the resonance of this…
This phrasing really struck me, and I’m not sure why, maybe because hobbies or enthusiastic passion projects always feel very heart-and-mind to me, so I have never imagined them in the physical realm, like something I could wield.
A special interest as armor, or as weaponry.
It’s not just that I adore a Good Obsession, it’s not just that having a Good Obsession feeds me at a deep level.
I am arming myself with a good obsession. Or two. And doing this enhances my powers. More powerful, more protected. Take up arms. In the form of a hobby. Or two!
A good obsession as a form of self-defense. From the world? From forgetting who I am?
A good obsession or two
A good obsession or two…
Or two! Or more!
Plentiful opportunities to obsess.
Take / Up / Arms
Here is the rest of my note:
Take up arms!
Do this to prevent boredom, stave off the descent into madness, can you be radicalized by that combination of goals?
See also: Obsesssssss, it’s fun!
See also
See also:
Obsesssssss, it’s fun!
Truly nothing brings me greater joy.
Whether it’s making a new kind of horchata (proxy! not a proxy! also a proxy!), falling in love with a particular shade of yellow, devoting myself to making strawberry ginger shrub, inventing new holidays, immersing in a character or aspect of myself.
I love when my brain has something to play with…
While you were [doing X], I studied the blade
This is a meme format, in case you’re not terminally online:
“While you were partying, I studied the blade.”
While you were [doing literally anything], I studied the blade.
For me, I always think of it as: “I was devoting myself to the blade.” Strong Inigo Montoya energy.
Or even my forever crush, Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone in The Quick & The Dead, who has devoted her life to being a sharpshooter, both to avenge the death of her father and to make right something she perceives as a failing on her part.
Yes, that is interesting. What am I trying to make right? What am I training for?
What is devoting myself to the blade about?
And: is this the same question as “What is arming myself with a habit or two about?”
I think it is, though I don’t know if I can explain why.
Why do I study the blade, for whom is the devotion…
What is this all about, to me, in this moment?
What is this all about, to me, in this moment?
This investigation is about:
- slow process
- immersion
- vengeance
- the glorious thing that is a slow-motion training montage
- cumulative knowledge and skill
- studying one thing, while letting all the other wishes percolate (fractal training!)
Mmmm, and also something about my deep love for a Before & After…
What is it about a Before & After…
Obviously this brings us back to my love of a slow motion montage, as discussed last week and possibly every week.
Specifically I live for stories about people who go on ADHD meds and start getting things done! I can’t do this myself due to [reasons, circumstances], but I deeply crave it, and imagine it.
Yes, I dream of a someday something like this for me!
A breath for this beautiful wish. May it be so, or something even better.
What does this remind me of?
The language learning process. Cooking Club, a practice I made up that I want to write about here sometime too. Writing itself, of course. And dance. And yoga or Feldenkrais or Gokhale training.
Any practice where over time some pieces or elements become easier or even automatic. You can track your progress.
And practice helps, even when you think it doesn’t.
Practice helps, even when you think it doesn’t
A playful approach helps too. Curiosity helps. Add compassion and stir.
Sometimes your brain simply refuses to perceive progress. It seems like no ground has been gained.
Then you turn around and suddenly a thing that was impossible is now accessible, maybe even joyful…
Knife moments / before I studied the blade
I keep thinking about knife moments, and this is probably the wrong phrase, apologies if it comes across as violent or triggering.
What I mean is, times in my life when I needed a way out of a situation and found myself unable to extricate myself, for reasons that were what they were.
When I look back on these times, I want to rescue myself, I want to cut myself out of a net.
Of course. That’s what the blade is for.
That’s what the blade is for.
The blade is a knife of self-rescue.
More about retroactive self-rescue here, if that’s a topic that interests you.
(Flashback)
Several years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was sometimes so very sweet to me, so tender with me, and sometimes treated me like absolute garbage, and I was just unable and unwilling to see it or perceive it for what it was.
I kept convincing myself I had to be misunderstanding what was happening, I could always find what seemed like the most reasonable reasons to justify their behavior (they’re stressed, they work so hard, they didn’t mean it!).
Devoted to the endless Maybes? Yes, that’s it exactly. Devoted to the endless Maybes…
Devoted to the endless Maybes
Maybe the tiny crumbs of sweetness and affection were just so sweet, who could blame me for coming back in case there were more.
Maybe I needed the non-sweet moments to be explained away by Extenuating Circumstances, and so they were.
Or maybe I thought that if I could just be patient enough, something would shift and they’d magically go back to being the warm, loving person who used to wildly adore me, like in the beginning, before [mystery reason for everything changing]. Maybe they would stop being a workaholic! Spoiler alert: THEY NEVER DO.
Or who knows, maybe I had already lost so much self-respect that I couldn’t find my way back.
Let’s call it some combination of all of the above.
A moment on the trail
We were hiking. In the beginning of our relationship, hiking was such a great joy. He’d take me to his favorite places, we’d hold hands if there was room on the trail, take breaks to just breathe in the vista and be in awe of the beauty, in love with being in love.
Later, when things changed, he had no use for going slow and being sweet. He just wanted to go as fast as possible, not caring that I couldn’t keep up, continually leaving me behind.
He had no use for me on these hikes, which is a weird phrase (no use, no use for a person, why do I need to be of use??? am I not enough even when I am of no use?), but I’m keeping it.
And I do not know why he kept inviting me, since it was just two people hiking alone.
Out of sight out of mind
He didn’t care when I had ankle pain or knee pain. Once I slipped and fell, and tore myself up on the rocks. He was so far ahead that he couldn’t see or hear me cry out in pain.
When I finally caught up with him, he wanted to know what took so long and I told him I was covered in bruises from falling.
He said that I should have walked on a different part of the path that was safer, and I wanted to say that if he’d been there, he could have pointed out the correct path, but I didn’t say anything. He disappeared out of sight.
Out of sight
Sometimes I read stories like this, I think Reddit is generally where people share these, and I think, “Run away! This is abuse!”
I wonder why I couldn’t have ever said that to myself, or even known this was an option.
Release points
He sped ahead until I was out of sight, and waited for me impatiently at the trailhead. On the drive home, I wondered if I would be brave enough to pack up my things and drive away and not look back.
But I knew I would not be, and I was not.
These are all points of self-rescue, where I need a powerful, possibly magical blade to cut the various webs and set this past version of me free.
No judgment for being caught up in the web, it happens to the best of us, just using the blade to cleanly cut an escape path.
Use the blade
That’s what the blade is for. Yes.
While you were being an asshole, I was studying the blade, and I am using it to get free.
Let’s cut the web, let’s set Havi free to live a better life.
Let’s cut the web
Cutting the web of being conned by a narcissist. Who among us hasn’t been there. Slash. It’s done.
Cutting the web of the pattern of Maybe They Don’t Mean It, Maybe It Will Get Better. Slicing through.
Cutting the web of hooked on small symbolic doses of warmth and affection. Just enough sustenance to keep seeking more.
Cutting the web of lies upon lies upon lies. Freedom, babe, let’s get you out of here.
Devotion to freedom. Self-liberation and also doing it for the collective.
This is what we were studying the blade for, actually
This is what we were studying the blade for.
While you were in a hurry, I was studying the blade. While you were lying to me, I was studying the blade. While you were wasting my time, I was studying the blade.
It was a slow process.
Now I am armed and dangerous, armed with self-respect, with passion, with a good hobby or two, with a desire to care for myself and tend to myself, to want better, allow myself to want better. Slash. It’s done.
Retroactive self-liberation, retroactive liberation for the collective, something worth obsessing over.
What happens when I arm myself with a hobby or two
What happens to me / for me / in my life?
Let’s find out. Obviously the best way to find out is probably through doing, through starting, or at least choosing a hobby with which to arm myself.
However right now I am not quite ready for the doing. I am preparing for doing, doing the entry, the pre-.
Who can I consult who is already a few steps ahead on this?
Let’s bring this question to another self, an incoming self or another version of me.
Who is the self who is just taking up the blade?
Who is the self who has studied the blade?
Who is the self who returned from Nanda Parbat (in the Arrowverse) having studied the blade?
Who is my most Inigo Montoya self?
Who is my most Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone self?
Who is the self who is taking up the blade
This self is Brave & Stalwart, trying something new is already so courageous.
This self is devoted to freedom and pleasure, and doesn’t get discouraged by making mistakes.
What wisdom does this self have? What can they tell me?
The version of me who is taking up the blade says: Begin, and begin again. If it’s not working, try a new tactic. Ritual and repetition and trying again. All training is useful. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a glowing gem.
All training is useful. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a glowing gem.
Who is the self who has studied the blade
This self is Tough & Self-Composed, agile, ready, grounded, stable, isn’t looking for a fight but doesn’t mind if one shows up.
This self loves patience and plays the long game.
This self does not hold grudges, because they find that boring, but they learn from past experience and say YOU DESERVE BETTER, BABE. And then we act on it, no hesitation, no looking back.
What can they tell me?
The version of me who has studied the blade says: I am with you, I have your back, you are my treasure, I am your sworn defender, I will be loyal and loving with you, you have spent too much time with these unworthy clowns of the world, and I want better for you. I insist on it. Let’s walk our own path at our own pace.
The Nanda Parbat self?
Who is the self who returned from Nanda Parbat having studied the blade, having spent years devoted to studying the blade?
This self is steady, grounded, confident, relaxed, clear, at ease. This version of me has trained not only in the blade but in being quiet, content, steady in habits, devoted to devotion. This self craves horizon, bring on the open road, the open skies.
My Nanda Parbat self says: You needed me to defend you because you didn’t know how to stand up for yourself, but by becoming me you will no longer need me. You also won’t need to defend yourself from those situations because you won’t get into them. You will expect to be treated with the same High Regard to give to yourself unquestioningly.
Who is my most Inigo Montoya self?
This self has a twinkle in the eye, sure they’re dedicated to vengeance, but also they have a sense of humor about it.
Their scars have become home, in a good way, in an intimate way. A way of seeing yourself with glorious equanimity, and treasuring who you have become.
My Inigo Montoya self says: I know my name, I know who I am, I know where I come from, I know what my mission is, and I am ready.
Who is my most Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone self?
I love this question most of all! I love Sharon Stone in cowboy drag more than anything.
This self is quiet, self-contained, very poised and composed, has a plan, and a backup plan, but can also improvise. This self has a wry sense of humor. This self is brave and determined because that’s the only option.
This self is the daddy, to answer the question in every episode of You Are Good (Who’s The Daddy!). It’s Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone, of course.
My most Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone Self: Hang back and notice. Do more reconnaissance. Find out what you’re getting yourself into, and have three ways to get yourself out. Come back to yourself again and again, knowing that no one is going to treat you like that again.
Let’s brainstorm some possible fun summer obsessions
What are some fun hobbies I can arm myself with, as a way of Studying The Blade? Other than making shrub, which I am already doing, and obsessing over the color yellow…
- Do I want to learn how to make hydrosol to spritz and stay cool in the summer heat?
- Do I want to invent a luscious summer dessert?
- Do I want to obsess over waking up early and kitchen jogging before the heat?
- Do I want to treat everything like studying the blade?
I am placing these into the pot, asking the cauldron of wants and wishes to reveal my yeses, my next indicated steps…
Arming myself with a hobby, arming myself with a better habit
I mixed up [hobby] and [habit] and accidentally asked what happens when I arm myself with a habit or two, which is so fascinating because I am as obsessed with habits as I am with a good obsession.
And what is a habit if not a series of patterns and elements, any of which can be changed or rearranged?
A habit is the opposite of a web. A habit is something that does not need slicing, it only needs rewriting and reconfiguring.
What if the work of allowing my habits and patterns to reconfigure and be rewritten is an element of arming myself with a hobby, maybe this is the ur-hobby of my mind.
What is needed? What comes next?
I am going to let these thoughts, wishes, and dreamy sparks do their thing.
We have noticed and named, we have lovingly investigated, and now I’m giving it to the wishing pool, giving it to the mountains and the horizon, giving it to the fire and the cauldron, giving it up to whatever happens next.
The wish has been wished, the stone has been skipped, the questions have been asked, and it’s all beautiful to me.
Maybe I don’t know yet what I am arming myself with, and maybe I am still unsure if it’s the right question or the right imagery, but I love an internal exploration. An exploration like this is like a hike where I can never be left behind, I can’t fall and hurt myself, I am ensconced in self-tending.
And I have a handy knife to cut myself loose from any past experience. While you were reading this, I was studying the blade. Maybe you were too. I love that for us.
What are your wish-obsessions? Come play with me, I love company
When you are studying the blade, what kind of [the blade] are you studying?
How do you want to devote yourself to your version of the blade?
You are welcome to brainstorm wishes, obsessions, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials!
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials for the month of July about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email by the end of the month…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
A good obsession
Happy Wednesday!
Last Wednesday we talked about Screening My Wishes, before that we covered Solstice Wishes. Today is also about wishes, but mainly about a good obsession.
A good obsession
Just start.
Pacing
I can’t stop pacing. Sometimes I pace as a form of thinking something through, and sometimes I pace as a form of avoidance, and sometimes it’s just a matter of any stim in a storm.
A relatively socially acceptable stim. People don’t like it when you have to get on the floor. People don’t like it when you get on the floor to calm yourself. Not if you remain still and especially not if you roll back and forth.
Unless you’re in a yoga class and then it’s fine. Even better if you’re teaching the class.
Not that there are people around anymore to be upset about things, and not that yoga classes exist alongside me in the same universe anymore. But still, I remember.
These are the things I think about
These are the things I think about while pacing in tight circles, or figure eights.
The people that aren’t around anymore, the things that used to exist for me and now do not, and cannot, and probably never will again, and how there isn’t anyone I can talk to about missing them, except Meirav.
Before I lived in a tiny house, I thought perhaps downsizing to somewhere very small would help me pace less, but if anything I pace more.
Except Meirav
Meirav and I were talking while I was pacing, Meirav is my therapist from the mid-90s, which is somehow nearly thirty years ago, Meirav and I talk in my head.
I was upset about perceiving myself to be deeply misunderstood, which is an ongoing situation for me, the thing I am most often upset about, and maybe a neurodivergent thing to be upset about, because being misunderstood is kind of our whole deal.
Give me something better please
It was around New Years (the one on January 1st, not the one I celebrate on February 2nd), and everyone was sending New Year wishes, as they do, which is sweet. Adore new year wishes, will take them all year round.
And for some reason, nearly everyone in my life seemed to want to specifically wish me GENTLENESS, as in: a gentle new year, a year of soft gentle things, sending you gentleness, hope this year treats you gently, etc.
And I get it, in a way. I’ve been through a lot in the last few years, and the people who know me know this.
Opposites
I’m sure they want less terrifying, tumultuous experiences for me, they want me to experience the opposite of everything going wrong. Which is a beautiful wish, it’s loving and kind.
And for them, the opposite of everything going wrong is apparently gentleness, so that’s what they wish for me, and I appreciate the warmth and love behind their wishes, and also I don’t want it.
A gentle year can fuck all the way off. Give me something better.
Fuck a gentle new year, where is some good, fun, non-gentleness
“You have clarity,” said Meirav, who is primed to see the positive, though fortunately not in an annoying way.
“You can see the loving intention behind the wish of gentleness, and at the same time you reject the framing of this wish, because it isn’t relevant to what you need right now, it is not, as you’d say, your yes.”
That is correct. I categorically reject gentleness. I want whatever the fuck is good-but-not-gentle. I want sensory intensity, of the kind that is pleasurable.
Give me wildness, aliveness, gasp-worthy delights.
Turn up the sensory experience
The past few years have brought so many forms of dulled senses.
When the agonizing loneliness of isolation made it impossible to feel anything other than numb. Then my concussion erased basic information like where the grocery store might be (anywhere? can’t remember!), or what did I used to be like and care about…?
Then when Covid erased taste and smell, and took away my ability to move like a bobcat. Or when sudden unexpected heartbreak sent me into grief-shock, and I found myself unable to sleep, spending my nights repeating to myself but I don’t understand, make it make sense.
But I don’t understand, make it make sense.
And it never once made sense.
The opposite
Covid-life and concussion-life have been so spacey and bewildering. I can see how everyone would want life to go gentle on me for a change, but for me the opposite of blurry and blurred is sharp and defined.
The opposite of numb is tantalizing.
I want tantalizing.
No gentleness here
Fuck gentleness. I want excitement, passion, intense deliciousness, obscene amounts of pleasure.
In the morning I crush chiltepin peppers, sometimes with the flat part of my knife, sometimes with my fist, and slice ginger to add to my morning potion, to add a slow burn of desert heat.
Yes please to too much, and then more of that. Turn it up.
Don’t be gentle, be fully alive with me. Be real with me. Thrill me. Surprise me. Adore me.
Who and what am I wishing towards?
Okay, I am talking to 2023, and also to myself, and also to someone wholly imagined, who may or may not exist, an incoming self or a version of myself I haven’t met yet, and also to the next special interest which is still a mystery.
I want passion and intense deliciousness that both engages and enrages.
And I want to obsess over something entirely and deliciously frivolous, devote myself to it, hurl myself into obsession, deep-dive all the way into the most specific special interest and devour it, let it devour me.
So okay, we’ve clarified something. Not gentle. But sweet. I want an obnoxiously hot affair and a really good hobby or three, in that order or not. 2023, are you listening?
Heightened (senses)
I wrote the above thoughts on not-gentleness in February, when I was finding my way into my own new-new year, and six months have passed, somehow, and I am considerably less blurry and foggy now.
Still not all the way to clear, just: significantly less fog.
From deep within the cabin fever, the heat waves of summer here in southwestern New Mexico, I am craving sensation, but maybe also somewhat less opposed to gentleness than I was in January.
My senses are heightened. I open the doors for a deep breath of air. I love the scent of the fields after the rains.
Sensation sensation sensation
I made chile crisp this weekend, and a coffee cardamom syrup. Envelop me, sensation.
And maybe I feel differently about gentleness now, more willing to welcome it, certainly I won’t fight its gifts.
As long as it comes with enticement and…hmmm, something about appreciation. I want to be appreciated and to appreciate, I want these sparks of aliveness.
Maybe the gentleness is about sanctuary. Maybe sanctuary is the place I go within myself to come alive again.
A pilgrimage to nowhere, or possibly to the center
The thing that helps most when I can’t stop pacing is applauding myself for pacing.
Imagining how many miles I’ve walked, like medieval nuns who walked circles in their cells imagining they were on a holy pilgrimage? That’s a thing, right? Good job, you’re more than halfway to the wished-for place, good job, good job.
Good job, getting that out of your system, I tell myself. Good job, keeping it moving.
Once I have stopped trying to get myself to stop, I am able to settle, alight somewhere.
Applause for pacing! And then I can land.
Something about rebelliousness, something about legitimacy
I won’t stop when told to or coaxed.
However, I will stop when praised for not stopping. Praise my resilience, my determination, my foolhardy commitment, my furiously rebellious walking fuck-you nature, and I calm right down.
Obviously, no one else is ever around, so I am the one telling myself to stop, finding out it doesn’t work, eventually resorting to praise.
You’re doing so great, I’m proud of you. Pace as long as you need to.
Appreciate my longing for enhanced sensation, and I will eventually come around to gentleness too.
A good obsession
A question I ask more often than you’d think is WWNCD (What Would Neal Caffrey Do), and the answer nearly always makes me feel better.
Neal Caffrey is a con artist, a character on the show White Collar, who remains, despite always conning someone, extremely genuine in his passion for whatever he is currently passionate about.
“I respect a good obsession” is one of my all-time favorite Neal Caffrey quotes, and there are many.
Also worthy of appreciating: the response, from his bff: “And I get to cross a name off my enemies list!”
Obsession, a good one
Obsession (a good obsession), and casual revenge, which is another form of obsessing.
Neal obsesses over good wine, art, suits, how people learn to sort male and female chickens, whatever is in front of him, or whatever is out of sight.
He is agile, fast, smiles easily, passionate about being passionate, and trusts his intuition.
We were both born in March of 1977, the same month that the Fleetwood Mac album Dreams came out, and I once compiled a long list of other things we have in common, but all I remember is Dreams…
WWNCD. Probably what I would do too if I remembered to slow down and ascertain what I want.
Neal understands
I talk to Neal in the same way that I talk to Meirav, although Meirav and I speak Hebrew and she is more grounded and more attuned to how I do things. Sometimes Neal’s advice requires some shimmying around until I can make it work with my own moral or existential compass.
Neal immediately understands why I am allergic to having unsolicited gentleness thrust upon me in wish form.
“Well-wishing is mostly useless,” he says firmly. “People are good at the intention part of it and bad at the content part of it.”
Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife (a spoon is a weapon too!)
I wait for him to finish his thought.
“They don’t always know what to wish for you, they aren’t always going to make the right guess, but you can wish your own wishes for yourself. You can also take what they give you and transform it into what you need. Think of it as a MacGuyver situation; you need a weapon but someone hands you a stapler instead. You’re creative, you’ll make it work. React in the moment. Get creative with gentleness.”
Get creative with gentleness.
Meirav again
“When is gentle good?”, she asks. “When is it the thing you love and crave?”
I think about Bryan, my chiropractor who can gently bear-hug me back into alignment, who has never once caused me the tiniest amount of pain, but has hauled me back out from pain, he has retrieved me from the pain, with warm touch, patience, and uproarious laughter.
I think about proxies, and how they are the opposite of tough love, the opposite of problem-solving and strategizing, so sneaky, so fun.
No need to exit the comfort zone when you can expand the comfort zone
This makes me think about my deeply held belief that we do not have to dive into our pain to heal, we can play at the edges, that we do not have to force ourselves out of comfort zones, we can gradually expand what feels comfortable.
So I do like gentle, as it turns out, I like it as an approach. Maybe not as a theme for my year, but maybe like how I had to turn Clarity into Loving-Clarity, maybe Gentleness needs to be tempered with something less gentle and more exciting. Like a good obsession…
Zeroing in
My friends want me to be cradled in clouds, and I want to fight my way out of the clouds. They mean well.
Gentle isn’t the same as bland, Meirav points out. You’re reacting to it like it’s unseasoned.
No, of course not, I say. That’s not the point. The point is that gentleness can come after the pleasure. But first I need some joy.
(And obviously sometimes gentle & pleasure & joy can co-exist, we know this too.)
A crash pad but not that
Of course the people who love me and care about me are wishing for me to have a crash pad, they’ve watched me tumble through the last couple years, hurtling down the stairs of circumstances.
It is completely reasonable and understandable that they’re like, dear god, that poor sweet baby needs to be swaddled in soft blankets. I get it.
And it’s not that I don’t want softness.
It’s that I want LUSH, PLUSH & SLUTTY, to use the phrase I borrowed from Jade and refuse to let go of, my north star!
I want sensory comfort of a different kind, and I want to choose it, I don’t want it bestowed on me.
Joyfully alive
It’s as if everyone decided that the best cure for what ails me is a nice nap and a cup of tea when I ALREADY KNOW THE CURE I NEED which is to finally get have some fun.
Fun! I want a good obsession!
I want to have the silliest crush, to feel lighthearted and fizzy, to luxuriate in contemplating various playful creative pursuits, things other than staying alive (aka, am I going to, and if so, how), and the other boring questions that make everyone want gentleness for me.
I don’t want to need gentleness. I want to be joyfully alive.
Warmth
I told Meirav about a memory, dozing off on my ex’s chest, his warm voice reverberating, his fingers in my hair, listening to him talk to someone I didn’t know, and suddenly realizing he was describing something incredibly violent and threatening. Not towards me, just a situation. His other life when he wasn’t with me.
And one day he vanished without a trace, leaving me to many long nights of I don’t understand, make it make sense.
Meirav says, You got the experience of physical gentleness combined with emotionally not-gentle…
I think about that for a minute.
It was like that dream I used to have of sailing across the ocean in a cardboard box, cozy in my nest of blankets, not getting wet, a safe experience of an unsafe experience.
The opposite of emergency, do I know what that’s like
Meirav: In the dream, you got to experience softness and structure in an emergency. What if you got to experience them outside of an emergency? Do you know what to do with a love that doesn’t harm you?
Me, in English: Okay let’s not go overboard.
Meirav laughs at my seafaring pun but also gives me the look.
Me: It suits me, the box. Let’s stay in the cozy box please.
Head-therapy is cozy, pacing is cozy, what else.
Back to pacing
I was pacing and thinking about how all my wishes for this year have a through-line of time, something about the passage of time, a slow motion montage, for example…
- growing out my hair
- being UNRECOGNIZABLE to myself and to the world but in a good way..
- allowing this chrysalis year of hermit time out in the wilds to shift something
- how can my tiny home on a trailer become livable, functional & comfortable? aka less like fancy camping
- covid-conscious friends or adventure partners to hike with or cook for, or both
- a plan and support to create a structure for retreat space and visitors
- block off view of neighbors so I never see them & can forget they exist
- plant trees…
Music in the distance
All of these wishes feel like [movie music], I don’t know how to explain it better than that, they exist at some time in the future that is hazy and hard to imagine, I feel it there but can’t bring it into focus.
It’s like a jazz bar down the street that our protagonist has not entered yet…
Does that make sense? What do you do when your wish is still just barely on the horizon?
Not sure what the question is but what might it be…
Let’s ask. Maybe it’s about what I’m missing. What happens during the slow motion montage?
What happens during the slow motion montage?
How do I distract myself or obsess over something else while this is happening?
Or how do I get obsessed with these projects when either there’s nothing to be done yet or in the moment, or a million steps to be done and I don’t know where to start.
For example…
For example, hair growth is simply a matter of give it time.
Take your vitamins, don’t look in the mirror too often, give it time.
While making the tiny house livable or doing something with the barn seems like so many steps and perceived obstacles that I get overwhelmed and can’t start. Ahahaha, steps like pacing.
And pacing like the speed of movement, not just the act of moving.
I need an obsession and I don’t know what it is (but is that true)
An all-consuming distracting obsession! Yes please.
And it needs to involve steps (steps! pacing!) or practical things I can do. It can’t just be “wait for things to get better”, because that is not working.
Or maybe I’m experiencing [opposite wish effect] where I want to be obsessed and am not, so everything feels either boring or impossible, or both. But maybe that’s also a distortion of cabin fever and loneliness.
Solved through
Solvitur ambulando is a favourite Latin phrase which I believe we’ve talked about. “It is solved through walking”.
What if pacing is the path and not the problem. What if I can wander my way into my next obsession, stim my way into feeling something?
Do I need to know what I’m training for, can I be in the slow motion montage and not know it yet?
Ritual, rest, repeat. Wish the wishes, keep it moving. Stay joyfully alive, and when it doesn’t feel joyful, I’m still here and we are calling it a win.
Add compassion and stir. Add sensation, feel and wait.
Wishing into the second half of the year
Can I take the fairy godparent blessings of Gentleness-Adjacent, and let them blend with my wishes for Tantalizing Anticipation and Joyfully Alive?
And can I trust that the good obsessions will reveal themselves in good time?
What other well-wishes can we rewrite to make them more enticing?
What else is drawn from the well of wishing?
I can’t wait to find out.
What are your wish-obsessions? Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to brainstorm obsessions, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials!
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials for the month of July about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email by the end of the month…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️