What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

Who, me?

The other day I was in a dance store (is that even a word?), getting some teaching clothes.

The woman working there asked me where I dance and I said, oh I don’t dance.

Actually it was more like this:

Oh! No no no no no. I don’t actually DANCE.

As if DANCE is some concept or thing so far removed from me and my entire life that she might as well have asked me when I trained to be a rodeo clown.

Interesting. By which I mean: kind of hilarious but also disturbing.

Let’s look at this.

About three seconds after I said it, I realized how incredibly incongruous a thing it was to think.

Even though apparently I do think it.

I had to stop and make a list about why this might be something else I’m wrong about because even if my monsters have convinced me that I’m not a dancer, look at all these things that are also true:

The list.

Point 1: I am the number two teacher in the world of something called…wait for it… Dance of Shiva.

And even if I don’t consider it to be dance, it’s still a movement technique. It’s agility and coordination training. It’s flailing and flying, which are dance-like.

Point 2: Plus I’ve taught this method to professional dancers and choreographers in order to help them be better at what they do, namely: DANCING.

Point 3: I have been dancing for my entire life.

Point 4: Actually, I still attend a few dance classes every week.

Point 5: When I was nineteen I had a gig as the assistant choreographer for a children’s traveling folk dancing troupe. I also taught dance at a summer camp. Oh, and I taught Ironic Aerobics and Dork Dancing at last year’s Week of Destuckification program.

Yes.

But oh god no I’m not a dancer.

My fuzzball monsters were extra sneaky with this one because the sabotage had been so subtle I hadn’t even realized that they were there.

It was so obviously and unquestionably true that dancing has nothing to do with me. That dancer is something completely OTHER. It was easy for me to speak without thinking because I already knew the answer.

But then I remembered that this exact same thing happened last summer.

Here it is again.

The day before I flew to Taos last July to teach at Jen Louden’s Writer’s Retreat, I went to get a massage.

The massage therapist wanted to know what I was going to be doing in Taos, and I said teaching at a writing retreat.

She said, “Oh, you’re a writer!”

And of course I went into instant stuttering denial. Explaining that actually I was going there to teach yoga and other forms of movement cough – dance! and brain training, and that I don’t really write.

Even though this is demonstrably false.

This was the same writer’s retreat at which I had also taught the year before and gone through the exact same thing then.

Identity is funny.

Yes. Yes it is.

Just thinking about everything that comes together to create a sense of self…

The mind-boggling collection of internal rules about who gets to self-define as what. And why you don’t get to be a whatever-it-is.

The way we silently agree to be put into one box or another.

The number of flying shoes and perceived flying shoes that we’ve internalized over the years.

I’m remembering the girl at school who told me that my arms weren’t graceful enough for me to take ballet. “I guess you could always try gymnastics,” she said.

Remembering walking into my summer art classes, looking longingly at the kids doing jazz and tap.

And being determined not to admit that I wanted to be there too. Because I was so afraid of discovering that I wasn’t any good at it.

Identity is also fluid.

That’s the good part. Or at least, the reassuring part.

When we get to recognize the internal rules for what they are, we get to start deprogramming and destuckifying.

We get to stop being impressed by what the old rules say.

And then it’s not about I am a ___________ or I am not a __________.

It’s just play. It’s costumes and exploration and experimentation.

It’s messing around with choosing communities, changing metaphors, and rethinking how you approach the culture of your you-ness.

Hard stuff. But also amazing. Scary. But also empowering.

What happens next.

Here’s the funny part.

The best tool that I know of for taking apart these kinds of deeply internalized rules (“I don’t get to be a dancer because x, y and z”) is Shiva Nata.

So I am going to be using dance to take apart the pattern that says I don’t get to claim dance for myself, and to bring in the new patterns to replace the old ones.

I’m going to dance by doing algorithms with my body and making connections in space. I’m going to dance by whirling and blocking and crossing the midline.

I’m just not going to call it that. Until I am.

And comment zen for today…

Alright. Here goes. I do not wish to be told that actually I am a dancer, even though I know it’s meant to be reassuring.

And I don’t want to talk about how actually we need to get beyond identifying with one thing or another because we’re all one with everything.

Instead I want to think out loud about the bigger theme: the various ways that we deny or hide from aspects of ourselves.

So if you’ve ever had trouble admitting that you are a thing, do a thing, have a connection to a thing, I would love to hear more of these stories.

As always, we let everyone have their stuff and we don’t give each other advice (unless people ask).

Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.

p.s. If you’re considering coming to the Shiva Nata teacher training in September, please know that not being a dancer and never planning on being one is absolutely fine! Disastrous uncoordinated flailing is what we’re going for!

Very Personal Ads #98: extra bonus wish!

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: recovery time!

Here’s what I want:

Feeling a bit worn out and in need of some off time.

Ways this could work:

I have no idea.

Looking at my calendar is depressing the hell out of me, so something is just going to have to open up.

My commitment.

To remember what happens when I am rested. To keep talking to Slightly Future Me and find out how she would solve this.

And to keep being receptive to those perfect simple solutions.

Thing 2: consolidate new Rally systems

Here’s what I want:

At this past Rally (Rally!), I made a ton of systems changes.

Some were fabulous. Some were less successful.

But it’s time to do a spangly Revue and take notes about what worked and what didn’t. And then set things up for next time.

Ways this could work:

Maybe I’ll head over to the Playground and make a day of it.

Maybe I’ll get some more help from Cairene, who is brilliant with systems and was also in attendance at the last Rally, so she’ll be full of great ideas.

My commitment.

To cheer enthusiastically for the parts that worked and be inquisitive about everything that needs to change. To find the good.

Also! Speaking of a) Rally and b) how marvelous it is and c) systems!

There is still one Stowawayship scholarship to the June Rally if you want to try and apply for it.

Thing 3: support with risk-taking

Here’s what I want:

I’m normally quite good at taking risks. It’s kind of part of the whole weird business savant thing.

But right now I’m in the middle of a biggification growth period, and I know what’s involved with this particular risk. Yes, I’m taking it anyway but it’s also kind of terrifying.

So I’m asking for ease, support, comfort, faith and whatever else is needed to help me feel ready to do this.

Ways this could work:

Using Shiva Nata for the hot buttered insights needed to get me where I’m going.

Rituals and reminders, like Hello Day and my morning bath and whatever else might help.

Posting to the Deguiltified Chicken board at my Kitchen Table program to get lots of help and encouragement.

Hiding in the blanket fort.

My commitment.

To ask curious, loving questions. To not push. To meet the pain with love, if I can.

And if I can’t be patient with the hard and the stuck, may I remember that this is also normal, legitimate and understandable.

To process the process for as long as it takes.

Thing 4: two large bulletin boards

Here’s what I want:

The Playground needs two large bulletin boards!

Ways this could work:

I think the first one we found on Craigslist. Worth a try.

Could be that one of my PDX people has one or knows where to find one.

Magic!

Thing 5: a really big wish!

Here’s what I want:

This is such a giant gwish that I’m scared to write it. Gwish-whispering!

In fact, this giant gwish is actually more of a full-body hum, and it goes like this:

When are the Timbers going to call me about leading them through pre-match agility, adaptability and extreme-coordination warm-ups?

Ways this could work:

Aside from wishing?

I’m just going to keep whispering this one for a while. And try to figure out what the essence of the wanting is.

I also want to remember that what I’m asking for is not the thing itself but for me to feel okay about wanting it, because that is always the first step.

My commitment.

To keep singing in the shower and to practice wanting what I want.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I asked for excitement for the newly renovated Toy Shop and got it! There was much excited squealing from people who had been to the Playground before over how beautifully and dramatically things had been transformed.

Yay! Thank you. Hugely appreciated.

Then I wanted insights about epiphany-tracking, and I think I’m on a pretty good track with that. Still much testing to be done, but feeling better about this.

Still wanting a new tech pirate. No movement on that front. Except! I had a mini-epiphany about that, thanks to Shiva Nata.

It’s not a tech pirate that we want. It’s a handyman. Or woman. But the point is that the metaphor has been all wrong. So I’m going to consult Metaphor Mouse and get some more information on that.

And I wanted to announce the Stowawayship scholarship and did not do that. In fact, completely forgot. What’s that about? I’m going to find out. 🙂

Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!

Stuff I’d rather not have:

The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.

Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.

Friday Chicken #146: Get up for the downstroke.

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

The hard stuff

In a funk to end all funks. FUNK.

Grrrr.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

Oh I need a vacation so badly.

And I don’t know when it can happen.

Come on, calendar. Start making sense!

My old nemesis! So we meet again.

African drumming. I’m sure it’s great.

And! Why must it always be happening in whatever room is next door to or above or below the one in which I’m currently teaching Shiva Nata?

Or when I’m trying to get stuff done at the Playground post-Rally.

Or wherever I am, apparently.

The fact that this has randomly happened an absurd number of times over the past several years is telling me that I need to either start doing Shiva Nata to African drumming or that something weird is going on in the force.

Anyway, headache + HSP do not go well with the drumming and it all ends in grumpy grumpy grumpy.

This project I’m currently projectizing is unfairly hard.

You would not believe how many walls I hit this week. Figuratively. Mostly.

The hard side of wanting something that scares me.

Lots of monster conversations, for sure.

The good stuff

I found the coat rack!

Back in December, I wrote a Very Personal Ad asking for a ridiculous coat rack for the Playground.

I had such a strong sense of what it would be like: playful, silly, sturdy, with kooky embellishments.

Except that I didn’t find it so I’d kind of stopped looking. But then on Sunday, there it was! In a consignment shop. It was just right. And it even sort of matches the crazy hooks we have.

Guess how much? Eleven dollars. Schnäppchen!

Plus it fits so perfectly at the Playground that no one even noticed it was new. Looks like it’s always been there. This fills me with happy.

Joy! Joy! SABICH!

Speaking of being filled with happy…

One of the hardest parts of not living in Tel Aviv is missing the food.

I am constantly repressing cravings for so many things. Jachnun. Jachnun. Jachnun.

Anyway, I finally went to (twitter link) Wolf and Bear and they had sabich. And it was heaven.

My entire body was all tingly and home. I can’t even explain how great it was so you’ll just have to trust me on this.

Purple wig!

Everything is better in a purple wig. Even better than in a pink wig. It just is.

Wearing the purple wig solved many problems this week.

Rally!

Rally was full of interesting surprises, as it always is.

I learned so many things that I didn’t know about how I function and why and what my projects need in order to thrive.

And we rocked out while doing impossibly crazy Shiva Nata sequences. The shivanautical epiphanies were huge, and my brain is abuzz with exciting things. I always forget how astonishing it is.

Rally! Rally!

Also it was warm and sunny. Yes, now that the heating is no longer broken. Timing, timing.

Now stir, you fool!

This made me laugh on a crappy, crappy day.

Normally I would not link to a fourteen minute anything, but ohmygod Vegan Black Metal Chef. Somehow this hit me right in the funny.

Only vaguely related: someone can make me a mason jar picnic, metal version or not, and I will be very happy.

And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”

This week’s band, by a crazy coincidence…

Now Stir You Fool!

They’ll be playing all weekend. Except of course that it’s really just one guy.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Just another showdown.

You know how in cop shows they never stop and take a moment?

We’re having a giant fight about how I’m too close to this case and also (subtext!) how we shouldn’t have slept together and now I’m flipping my hair and marching into the interrogation room where I instantaneously switch modes and now I’m grilling this guy to find out what he knows about who killed my family.

I love this stuff. Spies, detectives, action scenes, slow-motion kicks! All of it.

And I am completely fascinated by how they pretty much never stop and take a moment.*

* Except in the season finale, of course, which is generally nothing but people — completely out of character — taking moments right and left.

Not even that they don’t take the moment but that they don’t think about taking the moment.

What would be the point of that?

We’re about to storm into this apartment where all the bad guys are. With their guns! And also my partner’s kid’s life is in danger. But we’re not going to stop for a quarter of a second to breathe and maybe silently acknowledge that this is kind of an intense moment and we might die and maybe we should have a plan beyond kicking in the door because we’re ALREADY DOING IT. Yeah!

What’s a moment?

I don’t mean taking a moment like going to the bathroom to cry.

Or pausing to do some Shiva Nata spirals. Or hiding in a hammock in the Refueling Station (like we do at the Playground).

All I mean is that moment of touching in.

Touching in. Landing. Taking a breath.

Inhaling and exhaling, reconfiguring your force field, adjusting your crown, invoking your superpowers and saying to yourself: This. Now. I am beginning.

To say: I am here now.

I want to be here now.

Of course they can’t take a moment. And they shouldn’t, probably.

It would ruin the dramatic effect. Or worse, make things sappy and annoying.

And no one is expecting these characters to be anything other than what they are: exceptional in every way and astonishingly unaware of their feelings at the same time. That’s how it works.

But somehow I find it extremely entertaining to watch people not take a moment. Over and over again.

I’d make it into a drinking game but I can’t drink that much.

I can watch them not take a moment but I can’t not take a moment myself.

Not because I’m crazy-mindful but because experience has shown that I’m so much more highly functioning when I ready myself for a thing.

I don’t even get the mail without my force field. And I definitely don’t make a phone call without being a secret agent and setting things up first.

The process of self-readying. That moment where you decide: “Okay, here we are and here is what I need.”

Establishing my space before entering an experience.

Starting the day with Hello, Day. Though really: starting everything with mini-versions of Hello, Thing I am Doing.

Because that’s what helps me be silly, light-hearted, playful, curious and inquisitive. It’s the form and structure that allow for freedom so that I can approach being alive like that awesome kid in New Mexico. Hi, Joseph!

The moment and then the next moment.

At Rally (Rally!), I am even more conscious of these moments of pause. Pause? Paws!

Before passing through each door. Moving from room to room or transitioning from one type of doing or not-doing into another.

It’s all entry and exits. The moment before and the moment after.

Even and maybe especially at times of no-drama.

That’s the practice. It probably makes for terrible television, but that’s the practice.

And it’s hard work. Hard, beautiful, messy work. And sometimes I pretend that I’m taking extra moments for the heart-broken detective too. Who knows. It might help.

And comment zen for today….

Playing with me is welcome.

Taking moments or thinking about taking moments or working on establishing a practice of maybe eventually taking moments. Or acknowledging how hard and challenging it is to mark transitions. It all counts.

Also if you feel like inventing ridiculous action scenes with me, I would LOVE that.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We make room for other people to have their stuff. And we don’t give each other advice, unless people say it’s okay.

That is all!

The pink door.

My very favorite place to think about that jumbled thing that is culture is at the Playground.

It’s been nearly a year since we found the space, and in that time I have watched it transform from a tiny, sweet thing in my head and heart into the most amazing place I have ever been.

I puzzle over what exactly makes it so magical. And why does it smell so good?

Then I boggle over all the rituals, traditions, customs and stories that come together to make something the way it is.

How once that something is a thing, it continues to generate more customs, more traditions.

Why is this night different from all other nights?*

This week we’re on Rally (Rally!) and it’s the ninth Rally, so as you might imagine, we have all sorts of Rally customs that have emerged from previous rallies.

Inevitably we expand on these customs or change them. Some of these have become ritualized and set, and some become increasingly baroque, in the way of things.

* Sorry, obscure reference! See? Traditions!

And new customs are born each Rally. Each day, even.

Like yesterday when Darcy wore the flouncy floofy pirate skirt to lunch at a restaurant.

It became immediately apparent to all of us that taking things from the Costumery and wearing them out to lunch is an absolutely lovely way to bring more of Rally into the parts of our day that aren’t at the Playground.

I’m pretty sure you’ll see me this afternoon brandishing a cutlass and wearing a tiara at one of the food carts. See? Like that. It just sort of happens.

Or tonight at the wine and cheese evening (a tradition started by Jessica at the last Shiva Nata teacher training and cemented at Rally #6), we’ll be having a mini show-and-tell. I can see how that might stick too.

Who knows. By Rally #10, it might just be what we do. And it will get more interesting each time.

Traditions.

We have traditions about monsters and sunglasses and blanket forts.

We have rituals of stone skipping. We randomly yell silent retreat!

And none of this is prescriptive. It’s not about expectations of how you need to be.

It’s never this: “Okay, so this is how you have to do things.”

It’s more like this: “We kind of have this tradition of moving the fairy door around. You don’t have to do it. It’s just a thing that happens a lot.”

Customs and ritual work like code. They’re shorthand. They carry the qualities of Playground culture:

Curiosity, play, light-heartedness, invention, inspiration, creativity, agility, wonder, spaciousness and sovereignty.

Who keeps the culture?

The biggest difference between the culture of Rally and the culture of say, a city, is that no one lives at the Playground. There isn’t continuity in the same way.

The Playground is an island. And empty one, except for me and Selma.

Of course since so many people do multiple Rallies, it often happens that at any given Rally we have experienced Rallions.

I think at the current Rally there are at least two people who have already rallied.

But it won’t always happen, which means that part of my role is to be the keeper of the culture. The curator, in a way.

I can’t keep it all in my head. And that’s not the way culture works, anyway.

So I put some pieces in the PLUM (the Playground User Manual). And I have a version of the Book of Me that is a Book of Playground.

I don’t ever want the culture of Rally or of the Playground to be about expectations. I don’t want people to worry about how to be or what to do. I want the culture to hold everyone in safety, permission and amnesty.

That’s what it’s there for.

Something kind of funny. Funny-unlikely.

Yesterday at Rally I was looking for something and happened on some notes from a class I taught at my Kitchen Table program.

Notes about this thing that is culture. And it was so perfect.

Here’s what I had said, and forgotten:

Culture is all the stories that come together to create a feel for the whole.

Culture gets stronger through being tested.

Culture is subtle. It lives in your business cards, in your systems and policies, in how your space works (even if people can’t see it).

Culture is an accumulation of you-ness.

Culture creates and solves all problems.

Culture is transmitted through many things. Know your beacons.

If I were queen of an island, what would that island be like?

Door and doors.

We have this very charming fairy door at the Playground. You can see it on the contact page, of all places.

Which kind of implies that the best way to contact us is through the fairies, not sure if that’s a good idea or not.

And it’s become a thing at the Playground that whenever you see it, you move it. To a different wall or a different room or on top of a lamp or next to a treasure chest.

It sounds kind of stupid but it’s highly entertaining. And then each room ends up feeling slightly different at any given time because there’s a door or not a door, and it’s always not where you expect it.

Now we have a second fairy door, because Lisa brought us one. It’s pink! And it doesn’t get moved around at all ever.

But!

New traditions have already sprung up around it, as they do.

People bring little decorations to the pink door.

The pink door came with tiny rainboots and a bucket with a tiny key. Now there are little plants next to the door. And a ladybug and some tiny pebbles.

And someone promised to bring a footbridge. See? It’s crazy.

Biggification.

When I think about my business, and the past nearly six years, I think a lot about the beautiful things that have been accidents or surprises.

Who knew that the Friday Chicken would still be going strong after nearly three years (we haven’t missed a week and this is the 146th week…)?

We’d never have built a Refueling Station at the Playground if it hadn’t been for Crankypants McGrumblebug’s Kvetchtastic Whine Bar at the Kitchen Table.

Traditions are funny that way.

Funny and endlessly fascinating.

You plant culture in the form of love, trust, hope, gwishing and so on.

And then you see what you get, based on what it interacts with.

Play with me? And comment zen for today.

It’s a hard and complicated adventure growing a business. Or running a blog. Or doing any form of working on your stuff.

And documenting the culture of your business, or your art or your internal world is a really hard practice, because it’s so close that it’s hard to see. And because we have pain and grief about what isn’t the way we want it to be.

So this stuff can be hard.

It can also be really useful.

If you want to invent customs and rituals with me, you are welcome. And if you want to think out loud about this thing that is culture, that works too.

As always, we all have our stuff. We let other people have their stuff. And we don’t give each other advice unless people ask.

Love. And cutlasses!

The Fluent Self