What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Slightly Future Me and the P of X.
I’ve been projectizing like crazy at the Rally (Rally!) … and then I got myself into a plonter and had to untangle a bit.
(Also, really? The last time I said plonter here – August 2007? That can’t be right.)
Here’s what happened.
Asking the version of me who has finished this part:
Me: Okay. I have to say, this project-like-thing already feels like the biggest headache and I haven’t even started. Help?
Slightly Future Me: Aw, sweetie. Have some water. You’ll feel better.
Me: Right.
Slightly Future Me: Listen, it feels like a headache because your body is remembering last year’s headache. It’s like the bully thing. You’re seeing the shadow and not the thing itself.
Me: Oh, right. Now is not then.
Finding what is different.
Slightly Future Me: It won’t be a headache this time. Last year at this time you were reacting. You were in reactive mode and just responding to headaches. It was headaches generating headaches.
The time of putting out fires.
And that’s not where you are now. What you want, how you want it, the way you approach finding out what needs to happen. It’s all different.
Me: That feels better. Okay. Present time. Separating from then. Breathing. And then I’ll just VPA the hell out of things.
Finding out what you want.
Slightly Future Me: Yes. What do you wish for?
Me: Ease. Creativity. Spaciousness. Silliness. To have forms and structures that can hold themselves.
Slightly Future Me: Right on.
Me: So what do I do now?
Slightly Future Me: Oh come on. You know that.
Setting up Y to work on Z.
Me: Oh, right. Dominoes! I’m setting the following intentions:
- That everything I do to bring ease and creativity into my life will have a direct effect on Z.
- That everything (Y) I end up doing for Z will bring more ease and creativity into everything else we’re working on.
- That this new way will get easier and more comfortable until it is the only way to do things.
- That I will keep talking to these projects and finding out how we can be better friends.
Going to do that now.
Talking to what you want.
Me: Hey project of X! What do you wish I knew?
Yawning.
P of X: YAWNS LUXURIOUSLY
Me: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Hey.
P of X: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
Me: Wow. That felt really good.
P of X: I know! You’re all stressed out about this and then you’re trying to invoke ease while you’re stressed out. And it’s not working. Obviously.
Me: That makes sense.
More yawning.
P of X: You know what you need? You need the giant ALL ABOARD sign.
Me: Huh?
P of X: Here’s what you do with this. You set a date. You call all aboard. That’s it.
Me: Huh?
P of X: YAWNS AGAIN.
Me: Really? That simple?
Simplifying.
P of X: Of course. All the right things are that simple.
Me: But I thought it would need twenty-seven steps and to lay them all out. That’s why I’m projectizing this nightmare of a thing. Because it’s so complex. I thought we needed a new and elaborate system.
P of X: *giggles* No, it needs a simple system. Here it is. ALL ABOARD. Tell them once. That’s it. You could do it like A or like B or like C. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, one option.
Me: That’s helpful.
And the third thing.
Slightly Future Me: That was great.
Me: Okay, so I feel better. But it’s still a lot to handle.
Slightly Future Me: Well, you’re doing great. Can I tell you the third thing?
Me: There’s a third thing? I don’t even know what the first two were.
Slightly Future Me: We established that 1) things are different and it’s important to separate from what was, and 2) this can happen with EASE.
Here’s the third thing. It can be playful. You can have play.
Purple wigs.
Me: I can?
Slightly Future Me: Yes.
Me: How?
Slightly Future Me: However you want. With contests. With crayons and colored markers. With whatever kooky innovative ideas that you get from Shiva Nata.
Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Slightly Future Me: It doesn’t matter. The point is that what you want can happen with in a playful, beautiful way. I promise. And the new version of this thing you’re creating through playing will be light and solid at the same time. And people will play there and wear purple wigs. On occasion.
Say the word.
Me: That was pretty specific. Are you wearing a purple wig right now?
Slightly Future Me: It is quite possible, yes. But whatever you’re imagining, it does not live up to how completely ridiculous I look. You kind of interrupted me in the middle of some pretty intense hilarity.
Me: Oh. Sorry about that.
Slightly Future Me: Not at all. I’m always here for you when you need stuff. Just say the word.
Me: Wait, there’s a word?
Slightly Future Me: No. Do you want a word?
Me: Yes.
Slightly Future Me: Catnap! Catnip! Catnoooooooooooop.
Me: Okay. Fine. Never mind. I’ll just call or whatever.

And comment zen in the comment blanket fort today.
The usual. We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
The way we respectfully let people here have their own experience is this: we are curious and patient, we try to not jump to conclusions, and we don’t give each other unsolicited advice.
Playing is welcome. If you want to talk to a slightly future you or to your project or to have a yawn-fest with me, go for it.
And if you have ideas for things to do with purple wigs, I’ll take them.
Let’s do something different today.
Selma and the Schmoppet and I are at the Rally (Rally!) this week.
Which means we are projectizing and destuckifying and getting a shocking amount of things done (we’ve already updated the events page — awesome).
So today I’m going to do something a little ….
I don’t know. Something… risky? revolutionary? sneaky? complicated?
Instead of putting up what was going to be today’s post, I am going to just give you the concept for today’s post.
You’ll have the point. The thing I would normally be explaining and example-ing.
And then I will let you expand on it.

Here it is.
When you encounter a bully, they seem so big.
They seem so big because you’re also seeing the shadow of every other bully you’ve ever encountered, at the same time.
They seem powerful because you are remembering vulnerable. They seem threatening because you remember being threatened.
If I were writing this post….
If I were writing this post, I’d talk about the variety of options available for shrinking that shadow.
Things like:
- noticing that it’s there and that it’s a pattern
- clearing things out by interacting with the past bits
- talking to monsters and past versions of you
- asking what is from now and what is yours
- releasing guilt
- separating from the stuck
- giving legitimacy to fear, discomfort, feeling conflicted.
I would try to do this with compassion, without prescriptive language and without taking myself or the subject overly seriously.
Then I’d take another twenty minutes or so to find the right words for a graceful but firm explanation about asking smart questions. About being careful not to jump to conclusions or launch into advice-giving.
And that holds true whether we’re interacting with our own stuck or watching someone else (like me, for example) interact with theirs.
But I’m not writing this post….
And you don’t have to either.
Just to play a little, though. What are some of the useful points here that I would be making? Or that you might imagine I would?
If you like, you could explain what is true about the point — the essence — of this post.
Or you can ask questions you have about it (if you’re in the position of wishing I had written the post.
Or you can make intelligent guesses about what this has to do with legacy and exit strategies.
Or you can just shake your head and say to yourself, man, even when Havi says she’s taking a day off from teaching stuff she’s still going to teach stuff.
And you can eat pie, in honor of Rally. Rally! Or imaginary pie, if you’re me.
Speaking of imaginary pie.
Give yourself imaginary back-patting sparklepoints if you’ve already figured out that the point of today’s post was actually the point of yesterday’s post.
And if you didn’t, give yourself imaginary sparklepoints anyway. Sometimes I am subtle and tricksy.

Off to eat imaginary pie.
And yes, comment zen in the blanket fort for today:
We are thinking out lout here.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let everyone have their own experience, which means we don’t give individual people unsolicited advice about what to do with their lives.
Kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Five. Past. Seven.
Five nights a week for two years.
Every evening at five past seven.
Of course it also happened the other two nights of the week, except that I wasn’t there. Those were her nights.
Five past seven was when Marcello the Romanian went home to walk his dog.
A sea change.
I really couldn’t tell you why we called him “the Romanian”.
He was the only Marcello who sat at our bar. For that matter, quite possibly the only Marcello in Tel Aviv.
And it wasn’t like we had a shortage of Romanians.
Like Sara’s boyfriend, who was just known as The Thug.
Five past seven. Marcello would look at his watch. Swivel around to check the clock. Wipe his eyes. Blow his nose. Announce that it was time to walk the dog.
Everyone would nod politely and say, “Oh? How’s Mickey?” as if they hadn’t asked it yesterday.
And he’d shake my hand, nod at the waitresses, and make his way out.
That was my cue.
Dim the lights. Turn the radio off. Music!
Officially evening. At last.
Afternoon.
Afternoon was for the regulars and drunks (imagine Venn diagram with large center).
Simona would pretend that she’d just happened to be stopping by. Her hands shook so much she had to press them up against the counter to light her cigarette.
We were just hoping she’d get bored and move on after one drink, seeing as how we were the only place in the south of the city she hadn’t been eighty-sixed from yet.
The men at the bar argued and made stupid bets. And argued about making stupid bets and made stupid bets about arguing.
Sometimes side bets would build up on top of the main bets. Betting on the outcome of the bets was everyone’s favorite pastime.
Sometimes it was entertaining. Sometimes hellish.
But you knew if you could just make it until five past seven, everything would change.
Evening.
The grumpy old men would go home to their wives. The cokeheads would take off to the next bar. The cab drivers would head out to their shifts.
And it would turn from a quiet dive bar into an ironic dive bar. University students, hipsters, writers, people who thought it was fun to go to an old-timey hole-in-the-wall with old world food and way too much attitude.
People who actually read the beer list. And asked about the pasta of the day (always the same, but fun to ask).
It was good, mostly.
Evening into night. Sometimes night into morning. Different. But fun.
Unless Dushek was there.
And then you were in trouble.
If Dushek was there, things would get worse after Marcello the Romanian left, not better.
He’d bring friends. They’d drink aquavit. And be rowdy. And break things. You’d think men in their sixties couldn’t cause that much havoc. But you’d be wrong.
And they could go all night.
Dushek hated me only slightly more than I hated him. It brought him pleasure to make me miserable, and it brought me comfort to be obnoxious to him.
He couldn’t be kicked out. Because he had something on the owner, there was no recourse except to keep pointing out how much business he was actively losing us.
And hating him, of course. That took up a lot of my time.
But for some reason, it was the music that got to me.
There were all sorts of things to hate about Dushek:
His smug, self-centered, overbearing, conflict-loving obnoxious way of being in the world.
The way he was always louder than everyone else, no matter how loud it got.
The way he’d take his shirt off after a few drinks.
The ashtrays he’d fill with cigarette butts and pumpkin seeds faster than you could clean them, and always ended up setting the trash can on fire.
How he would just walk behind the bar when he wanted something.
And change the temperature on the thermostat instead of asking the waitress.
And his friends with the grabby arms.
Oh, and the way he’d narrow his eyes and hiss “Go back to where you came from, whore”.
As if I could. As if I was that easy. Believe me, if I could have been anywhere else then, I would have.
I could have put up with all of that. But not the music.
He always wanted to listen to Santana.
Maria Maria.
On repeat.
For hours.
And then the entire album on repeat for hours.
Since he’d already run off the rest of the clientele other than his friends, there wasn’t anyone to object.
After a while I hated that song even more than I hated Dushek.
One day it disappeared.
Well, it didn’t disappear.
Somehow the CD got dropped into a vat. And was then fished out and dropped again. And then broken into several pieces. And possibly also stabbed with a cigarette. A tragedy.
Dushek was too cheap to buy a new one. And eventually he did something to really piss off the owner and he was kicked out.
And I moved to work at another bar, where we had Polish mafia instead of Moroccan mafia (much easier to deal with), and amiable potheads instead of cocaine in the bathroom. And no Dushek.

Now.
There’s this woman who works in the office next to the Playground.
She has a CD player that she keeps outside her office, using our shared hallway as a sort of waiting room for her clients.
Plays the same album all day. On repeat.
At a volume that is just loud enough for me to hear all the time.
No, not Santana. Though yes, that would be hilarious.
It’s the Buena Vista Social Club soundtrack. Which I used to love. ln fact, I learned all of Level 3 of Dance of Shiva while listening to that album.
And now I don’t love it anymore.
In fact, I’m pretty sure I never want to hear it again.
Not then. Now.
So it’s been oh, ten years.
Stuff has changed.
I have learned all sorts of things in the meantime about sovereignty and forgiveness and setting boundaries and saying no.
And I still go a little crazy when I hear the same song over and over again.
Obviously I’m not going to drop her music into a vat of anything, though. Instead?
Haven’t decided yet.
Maybe I’ll buy her a new album.
Of something else.
Maybe I’ll play my own music. Maybe I’ll tell her it disturbs my clients.
There are options and choices. Now is not then.
There are peaceful places. Now is not then.
And guess what? At five past seven in the evening she leaves. And it’s over.
Very Personal Ads #67: hahahahahaha run away!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let’s go.
Thing 1: the name for my hahahaha-escaping-Thanksgiving plan.
Here’s what I want:
A very delightful someone gave me the genius idea of running an event at Thanksgiving, so they could get out of doing Thanksgiving.
And I said ohmygod thank you.
Because this would get me out of Thanksgiving. Even if no one shows up, I still have an excuse for not having dinner with people that’s better than anything I’ve come up with before. Plus it would be crazy fun.
But what is it? It’s not a rally and it’s not a retreat … it needs a name.
Like … The Un-retreat That Just So Happens To Be At The End Of November.
Or: The Great Escape: A Get Out of Jail Thanksgiving Card.
No idea.
Ways this could work:
I can invoke metaphor mouse.
You clever, clever people can help me come up with something.
I can namestorm at the Kitchen Table.
And throw together a HAT (Havi Announces a Thing page) to see what comes up.
My commitment.
To have fun with this. To be silly.
To not spend too much time on it, since it’s mostly for me. But enough time so that it receives love, affection, wisdom and has a brilliant schedule.
Thing 2: a finalized 2011 schedule.
Here’s what I want:
Aw man. We were so close.
And then had to make a bunch of changes.
We have some parts ready and some other good things lined up.
But I’d just love to have my entire 2011 schedule set up by the end of the week. The absolutely absolutely version.
Ways this could work:
Maybe we can make some progress on this at the Rally (Rally!).
And at Drunk Pirate Council.
My commitment.
To pay attention, ask good questions and do a lot of writing.
And to remember what a big deal it is to schedule enough recovery time for the pirate queen. I’d hate for her to have to go on Emergency Vacation again.
Though clearly talking about oneself in the third person is a sign that it’s already too late. So I should just take myself on holiday right this minute. Hahahahahaha. Again.
Thing 3: a new system.
Here’s what I want:
Remember a few weeks ago when I wished for more wishing?
Well, it totally worked.
I’ve been keeping a little notebook by the bed and one at the Playground.
And I write three wishes in the morning and three wishes before bed.
Anyway, I think this needs a more official system. Maybe with a binder and a designated notebook.
Ways this could work:
Not sure.
I’m probably going to have to mess around with things to see what will work.
My commitment.
To do some Dance of Shiva on this.
To remember that all good systems take time to come together and not to stress this one too much.
Thing 4: the next Shiva Nata teacher training!
Here’s what I want:
I just announced a weekend Shiva Nata teacher training (February 18–20).
What I would love:
For people who totally aren’t considering teaching this to take a look.
And for people who teach other things but could incorporate this (because people learn faster when they’re having brain-zapping epiphanies, flailing around and laughing their heads off).
May everyone who needs to find this find it. Because this is one of my favorite things to teach.
Ways this could work:
Maybe people will ask me the right questions that will help me explain better why this is so important.
Maybe I will find the right words.
Maybe I will surprise myself.
Maybe I will remember to share the link with you again. See? Working on it.
My commitment.
Appreciation. Patience. Love. To keep flailing.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted a name for this one technique I do, and got one. Maybe not the best one but it will do. Domino-ing.
Then I was hoping to find a non-violent workout. And while nothing is final yet, I’m looking into some options that seem like they could be fun.
Also I wanted progress related to two specific patterns. Lots of good insights and much scribbling happened this week. Also got some help from Hiro, which was just the thing.
And I wanted two Rallions. Which is funny because two came and two went so we’re exactly where we started.
But I’m actually fine with it so in a weird way I got what I really wanted, which was to be fine with a small group. We have seven lovely, lovely people, and rallying a cozy rally will be a blast.
Plus now I don’t have to worry about the blocks and cushions I ordered coming late. 🙂

Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #114: chickening is stupid. So is the number 114.
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Well, it’s just that kind of week.
Luckily a bunch of good things happened, so if you can make it through all the stupid, you’ll feel better.
Or skip the chicken and head straight to your chicken in the comments, which will definitely be more fun than my week, because my week was mostly stupid.
The hard stuff
Thinking everything is stupid.
Pretty sure this is just hormones.
But everything is stupid.
Everything?
Yes.
Including sweeping statements and broad generalizations? Maybe. Fine. I don’t care.
The stupid pilates class.
And every stupid thing that came out of the stupid sticklet pilates teacher’s mouth.
Don’t tell me to “melt”.
Don’t tell me to look at my stomach: I can’t SEE my stomach unless I’m flat on my back, because I have boobs.
And no matter how flexible I get, I still won’t be able to see my stomach because I will still have boobs, so saying “eyes on your belly!” in your stupid perky voice is stupid.
Same with “have a perfectly rounded back!” I don’t know what that means but it has to be stupid.
Same with “pretend you’re sawing off your pinkie toe with your hand!” What’s wrong with you?!
Also, I’m apparently in terrible shape because everything is not only stupid but it also hurts.
Extreme noise.
And at my beloved Playground, which is where there is not supposed to be noise.
First construction inside.
Then construction outside.
Then the stupid woman next door with her stupid music playing on repeat until I lose my mind.
If last week was the HSP nightmare? This is worse.
Still stuck with my voice and not trusting it.
Very difficult to write anything this week.
Still processing this realization that my style can be imitated and that I don’t really enjoy seeing how stupid I sound (to me), now that I know what the imitable elements are.
Frustrating. I either need for something new to emerge or to not think about it.
And stupidest of all.
Watching my beloved Wheels of Justice in some of the most disastrous derby I’ve ever seen at the Roller Derby Western Regionals in Sacramento (Rollin’ on the River!).
In the only bout that really truly mattered this year.
Losing the bout that would have placed us at nationals. Nationals! We’re ranked higher than ever before. 4th in the West! One of the top 10 teams nationally!!!
Nope. Apparently not.
Due to stupid skating and stupid mistakes. Losing to the Bay Area Derby Girls? We’ve beat them before. There was no reason not to take them at Regionals.
It wasn’t bad ref calls. It wasn’t a case of the other girls playing crazy-dirty and being thugs, like some other teams. It was us. Not being as good as we actually are.
And it was awful to watch. To know we’re a significantly better team. And to know that we just did not deserve to win anything, based on that performance. Ow.
The good stuff
The rest of Regionals.
Even though we (me, my duck, my gentleman friend), couldn’t make it to Sac because of my teaching schedule, we still managed to watch as many bouts as we could stand.
The highlights!
- Beating Rat City. Because really, losing to Seattle would have been unbearable.
- Putting up a great fight against the Oly Rollers, because that’s pretty much all you can ask for. They’re the #1 team in the country right now, and we made them work a lot harder than they’re used to.
- If we had to give up our ticket to Chicago (Uproar on the Lakeshore!) to someone, at least it was the B.A.D. girls and not Rat City. Or Denver.
Because actually, I adore the B.A.D. girls. When they’re not playing us, they’re probably my favorite team. Well, aside from Philly — oh bless those fabulous Liberty Belles!
Plus, everything is great in the world of baseball.
Hooray for sports-that-are-not-roller-derby.
The Giants won their division!
Much yelling and happiness at Hoppy House.
And hope for the future.
Selma and I will be sponsoring the Guns N Rollers again this year, so maybe we’ll get some more roller derby shivanauts.
Because anything that helps coordination and bad-assery is a good thing.
Terry Gross AND Jon Stewart?
Did you listen to Fresh Air this week?
I think that might be two of the people I admire most on one stage. Awesome.
The Japanese Gardens.
After nearly three years in Portland, I finally went to see them.
And yes, they are that great. That’s some serious tranquility.
Projectizing.
Got ridiculous amounts of things done this week.
Piles were de-piled. Wishes were wished.
My list is still ten thousand miles long, but it feels good to have so many things moving.
The monster-sitting collective at the Kitchen Table.
It’s my favorite thing in the entire world.
It might tie with Crankypants McGrumblebug’s Kvetchtastic Whine Bar for best places to visit when things are stupid.
Yay for the Kitchen Table.
I made a Schmoppet video and put it up!
Since I’ve been taking baby-steps towards being able to do this for …. oh, a year or so, this was a big deal.
Also hardly anyone thought it was crazy. Sparklepoints.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week?
The Carb Counting Bagel Pushers
Formerly known as Dope Pusher Bagel Consumption Shame.
Believe it or not, it’s really just one guy. Thanks to Megan for the name.
And some of the lovely presents that arrived this week.
A beautiful ceramic jar.
More costumes for the costumery from Birdy (thank you!).
This hilarious Sovereignty Mousepad from Mariko. It’s too perfect. Sovereignty and mice. My two favorite things.
A clock that hides in a book! Huzzah.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.