What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Very Personal Ads #67: hahahahahaha run away!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let’s go.
Thing 1: the name for my hahahaha-escaping-Thanksgiving plan.
Here’s what I want:
A very delightful someone gave me the genius idea of running an event at Thanksgiving, so they could get out of doing Thanksgiving.
And I said ohmygod thank you.
Because this would get me out of Thanksgiving. Even if no one shows up, I still have an excuse for not having dinner with people that’s better than anything I’ve come up with before. Plus it would be crazy fun.
But what is it? It’s not a rally and it’s not a retreat … it needs a name.
Like … The Un-retreat That Just So Happens To Be At The End Of November.
Or: The Great Escape: A Get Out of Jail Thanksgiving Card.
No idea.
Ways this could work:
I can invoke metaphor mouse.
You clever, clever people can help me come up with something.
I can namestorm at the Kitchen Table.
And throw together a HAT (Havi Announces a Thing page) to see what comes up.
My commitment.
To have fun with this. To be silly.
To not spend too much time on it, since it’s mostly for me. But enough time so that it receives love, affection, wisdom and has a brilliant schedule.
Thing 2: a finalized 2011 schedule.
Here’s what I want:
Aw man. We were so close.
And then had to make a bunch of changes.
We have some parts ready and some other good things lined up.
But I’d just love to have my entire 2011 schedule set up by the end of the week. The absolutely absolutely version.
Ways this could work:
Maybe we can make some progress on this at the Rally (Rally!).
And at Drunk Pirate Council.
My commitment.
To pay attention, ask good questions and do a lot of writing.
And to remember what a big deal it is to schedule enough recovery time for the pirate queen. I’d hate for her to have to go on Emergency Vacation again.
Though clearly talking about oneself in the third person is a sign that it’s already too late. So I should just take myself on holiday right this minute. Hahahahahaha. Again.
Thing 3: a new system.
Here’s what I want:
Remember a few weeks ago when I wished for more wishing?
Well, it totally worked.
I’ve been keeping a little notebook by the bed and one at the Playground.
And I write three wishes in the morning and three wishes before bed.
Anyway, I think this needs a more official system. Maybe with a binder and a designated notebook.
Ways this could work:
Not sure.
I’m probably going to have to mess around with things to see what will work.
My commitment.
To do some Dance of Shiva on this.
To remember that all good systems take time to come together and not to stress this one too much.
Thing 4: the next Shiva Nata teacher training!
Here’s what I want:
I just announced a weekend Shiva Nata teacher training (February 18–20).
What I would love:
For people who totally aren’t considering teaching this to take a look.
And for people who teach other things but could incorporate this (because people learn faster when they’re having brain-zapping epiphanies, flailing around and laughing their heads off).
May everyone who needs to find this find it. Because this is one of my favorite things to teach.
Ways this could work:
Maybe people will ask me the right questions that will help me explain better why this is so important.
Maybe I will find the right words.
Maybe I will surprise myself.
Maybe I will remember to share the link with you again. See? Working on it.
My commitment.
Appreciation. Patience. Love. To keep flailing.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted a name for this one technique I do, and got one. Maybe not the best one but it will do. Domino-ing.
Then I was hoping to find a non-violent workout. And while nothing is final yet, I’m looking into some options that seem like they could be fun.
Also I wanted progress related to two specific patterns. Lots of good insights and much scribbling happened this week. Also got some help from Hiro, which was just the thing.
And I wanted two Rallions. Which is funny because two came and two went so we’re exactly where we started.
But I’m actually fine with it so in a weird way I got what I really wanted, which was to be fine with a small group. We have seven lovely, lovely people, and rallying a cozy rally will be a blast.
Plus now I don’t have to worry about the blocks and cushions I ordered coming late. 🙂
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #114: chickening is stupid. So is the number 114.
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Well, it’s just that kind of week.
Luckily a bunch of good things happened, so if you can make it through all the stupid, you’ll feel better.
Or skip the chicken and head straight to your chicken in the comments, which will definitely be more fun than my week, because my week was mostly stupid.
The hard stuff
Thinking everything is stupid.
Pretty sure this is just hormones.
But everything is stupid.
Everything?
Yes.
Including sweeping statements and broad generalizations? Maybe. Fine. I don’t care.
The stupid pilates class.
And every stupid thing that came out of the stupid sticklet pilates teacher’s mouth.
Don’t tell me to “melt”.
Don’t tell me to look at my stomach: I can’t SEE my stomach unless I’m flat on my back, because I have boobs.
And no matter how flexible I get, I still won’t be able to see my stomach because I will still have boobs, so saying “eyes on your belly!” in your stupid perky voice is stupid.
Same with “have a perfectly rounded back!” I don’t know what that means but it has to be stupid.
Same with “pretend you’re sawing off your pinkie toe with your hand!” What’s wrong with you?!
Also, I’m apparently in terrible shape because everything is not only stupid but it also hurts.
Extreme noise.
And at my beloved Playground, which is where there is not supposed to be noise.
First construction inside.
Then construction outside.
Then the stupid woman next door with her stupid music playing on repeat until I lose my mind.
If last week was the HSP nightmare? This is worse.
Still stuck with my voice and not trusting it.
Very difficult to write anything this week.
Still processing this realization that my style can be imitated and that I don’t really enjoy seeing how stupid I sound (to me), now that I know what the imitable elements are.
Frustrating. I either need for something new to emerge or to not think about it.
And stupidest of all.
Watching my beloved Wheels of Justice in some of the most disastrous derby I’ve ever seen at the Roller Derby Western Regionals in Sacramento (Rollin’ on the River!).
In the only bout that really truly mattered this year.
Losing the bout that would have placed us at nationals. Nationals! We’re ranked higher than ever before. 4th in the West! One of the top 10 teams nationally!!!
Nope. Apparently not.
Due to stupid skating and stupid mistakes. Losing to the Bay Area Derby Girls? We’ve beat them before. There was no reason not to take them at Regionals.
It wasn’t bad ref calls. It wasn’t a case of the other girls playing crazy-dirty and being thugs, like some other teams. It was us. Not being as good as we actually are.
And it was awful to watch. To know we’re a significantly better team. And to know that we just did not deserve to win anything, based on that performance. Ow.
The good stuff
The rest of Regionals.
Even though we (me, my duck, my gentleman friend), couldn’t make it to Sac because of my teaching schedule, we still managed to watch as many bouts as we could stand.
The highlights!
- Beating Rat City. Because really, losing to Seattle would have been unbearable.
- Putting up a great fight against the Oly Rollers, because that’s pretty much all you can ask for. They’re the #1 team in the country right now, and we made them work a lot harder than they’re used to.
- If we had to give up our ticket to Chicago (Uproar on the Lakeshore!) to someone, at least it was the B.A.D. girls and not Rat City. Or Denver.
Because actually, I adore the B.A.D. girls. When they’re not playing us, they’re probably my favorite team. Well, aside from Philly — oh bless those fabulous Liberty Belles!
Plus, everything is great in the world of baseball.
Hooray for sports-that-are-not-roller-derby.
The Giants won their division!
Much yelling and happiness at Hoppy House.
And hope for the future.
Selma and I will be sponsoring the Guns N Rollers again this year, so maybe we’ll get some more roller derby shivanauts.
Because anything that helps coordination and bad-assery is a good thing.
Terry Gross AND Jon Stewart?
Did you listen to Fresh Air this week?
I think that might be two of the people I admire most on one stage. Awesome.
The Japanese Gardens.
After nearly three years in Portland, I finally went to see them.
And yes, they are that great. That’s some serious tranquility.
Projectizing.
Got ridiculous amounts of things done this week.
Piles were de-piled. Wishes were wished.
My list is still ten thousand miles long, but it feels good to have so many things moving.
The monster-sitting collective at the Kitchen Table.
It’s my favorite thing in the entire world.
It might tie with Crankypants McGrumblebug’s Kvetchtastic Whine Bar for best places to visit when things are stupid.
Yay for the Kitchen Table.
I made a Schmoppet video and put it up!
Since I’ve been taking baby-steps towards being able to do this for …. oh, a year or so, this was a big deal.
Also hardly anyone thought it was crazy. Sparklepoints.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week?
The Carb Counting Bagel Pushers
Formerly known as Dope Pusher Bagel Consumption Shame.
Believe it or not, it’s really just one guy. Thanks to Megan for the name.
And some of the lovely presents that arrived this week.
A beautiful ceramic jar.
More costumes for the costumery from Birdy (thank you!).
This hilarious Sovereignty Mousepad from Mariko. It’s too perfect. Sovereignty and mice. My two favorite things.
A clock that hides in a book! Huzzah.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
Not actually a test.
I have been thinking a lot about exit strategies.
Not that I’m going anywhere. Definitely not at the moment.
But when Selma and I are done here …. or when we’re on Skabbatical…
What do I really truly want my people to know? What types of things can I expect them to be able to do?
If there were a final exam that touched on some of the essential principles of everything we do at The Fluent Self, what would it look like?
Oh, there are so many things I’d put in there.
But just a few, off the top of my head, while I’m narrowing things down.
Starting with seven questions. I even answered them so you don’t have to. See? Nicest test ever.
And I tried to be as succinct as possible, which we all know is not exactly my strength. Brevity points for me. And bathtime and bourbon for Selma.
Destuckification Basics, Part I
Q: Why am I avoiding this?
Because:
I care so much that it’s painful.
If I go near it, the fuzzy monsters come out to play.
I have unresolved stuck that needs some love.
Avoidance is always natural and normal and legitimate. There is always a reason for it.
Q: Why am I scared? It’s stupid and there’s no reason for it.
Because this has meaning for me.
Because I don’t want to get hurt.
Because fear doesn’t need to be rational. No, really. It doesn’t.
Q: How come [all these other people] can do X and I can’t?
(Or: How come they can do it better / faster / more efficiently / with less whining?)
Because people vary.
Also: you have no idea what the background story is. You have no way of knowing how much has happened behind the scenes to prepare them for this.
And you have skills and resources that they don’t, just as they have things you don’t. That’s how it works.
Q: How is it that I can use my skills to help other people achieve X but I can’t make it happen for myself?
Because that’s how superpowers work. Most of us are immune to our own superpowers most of the time.
Being a source of light for others doesn’t necessarily mean you can always see your own way in the dark. This is why we all get to help each other, which is a good thing.
Destuckification Basics, Part II
Q: What doesn’t work with monsters, pain, fear, stucknesses?
Fighting with them.
Ignoring them.
Telling them to shut up.
Telling them to go away.
Trying to outsmart them in violent ways.
Q: What does work with monsters, pain, fear, stucknesses?
- Acknowledging the fact that they’re showing up.
- Legitimacy. Giving them permission to exist.
- Making space between you and them by remembering that they are only part of you, and temporary.
- Finding out what they need to feel safe, while being firm about how they may or may not address you.
- Letting them know what you need to feel safe.
And yes, those are steps.
Also, coloring them while you hash things out is lots of fun and extremely effective.
Q: Does anything trump the “people vary” principle?*
Yes.
Nonviolence.
I’ll write that post some other time. Soon, I hope.
* hat tip to Paul Grilley for this phrase, which I adore.
Bonus Question!
Q: What is the difference between the first set of questions above and the second?
Take an extra ten thousand sparklepoints if you saw the monsters behind the curtain. All the questions in the first set were actually asked by your monsters.
The second set were just looking for information. No agenda.
Reassurances.
I’m not retiring yet.
Still here. With my duck and the Schmoppet and ridiculous amounts of Extremely Important things still left to be said. Not to mention all the completely unnecessary things that are just fun to say. Like haberdashery. Or smock. Smock!
The main thing is this: I’d like us all to be up to speed on some of the basics (obviously everything in this post is just an introduction), because it’s time to start going deeper.
As always, we all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. This really, truly is not a test.
It’s okay to exhale. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. And sparklepoints and imaginary muffins all around.
There are two kinds of asking why.
There is the why that is about self-inquiry.
It is inquisitive. It expresses genuine curiosity.
“Huh. I wonder what elements combined to get me here.”
Then there’s the why that is really asking why the hell am I like this and not the way I want to be already?!?
The recent epidemic of the second kind of why.
“Why am I scared of my clients?”
“Why am I still procrastinating on this?”
“Why would I be avoiding something I care about?!”
“Why am I still not over my grief?”
“Why the hell am I not just making this happen already?”
All these questions are the same question.
And it’s not the kind of question whose purpose is to discover something useful.
It’s a monster question.
It says: “What’s wrong with you?! Why can’t you be different than you are in this moment?
Back to the basics of destuckification.
This is so important! Giving legitimacy to what is: always the starting point.
What you are going through is legitimate. That’s just the way it is.
Where you are is where you are.
It doesn’t mean we have to stay there.
It’s just that the nonviolent way to move through stuck is to give it legitimacy to exist.
To remember: I am not my stuck. I am a human being who is allowed to have stuck. And my stuck does not define me.
And even though I’d rather be over this already (reasonable! understandable!), I’m still in the hard. That’s just what’s true for me right now.
I don’t have to like it. But permission to not have to like it is what will help me get beyond it.
Once I’ve stopped criticizing myself for feeling sad, frustrated or annoyed, then I can ask why.
The two things I try to remember.
Thing 1. I would never be so harsh with someone I love.
If the love of my life were going through something similar, would I be really be saying, “But why are you still sad that your friend died? Why can’t you just get over it already?”
Part of loving someone is giving them room to have their pain.
Thing 2. There is always a good reason.
There is always a reason — if not dozens — for anxiety or avoidance.
It doesn’t matter if I can’t figure out what they are.
As long as I ask questions that are curious, inquisitive, patient and non-judgmental, I will always get information that I can use to move through the hard.
Not useful.
Harassing myself by repeatedly asking why, but not really wanting an answer.
Another thing to feel bad about! Downward cycle! A loop of awful!
Useful.
- What do I need? Is there something I can do right now that would help?
- What would help me feel safe and supported?
- What is true about this?
- Is this my stuff? How much of it is mine and how much is someone else’s?
- Is this from now?
- What am I wrong about?
- Is it possible that ….?
Especially useful.
“I’m feeling anxious because I haven’t been working on X and it’s super important that I make progress on it, and I’m not really sure what’s going on there.
All I know is: I’m in avoidance and I feel uncomfortable whenever I think about it.
I’d like to know more about this pattern and what can be done with it. Where might this stress be coming from, and what do I need to remember?”
Doing things differently.
If I’m asking why, I want to know it’s out of curiosity and love.
Am I giving legitimacy to my own pain and my own experience or am I trampling on it?
Because destuckification doesn’t work when we’re denying the stuck its right to exist. It works when we’re curious about what what will help us feel safe and supported while we’re working on it.
Okay. Done now.
*steps off soapbox and dusts it off*
Dolls.
I had a session with Hiro yesterday, which was brilliant and kooky and amazing, as always.
And she said something kind of like this:
“For someone as successful as you are …. well, it’s fascinating that there’s this part of you who believes prosperity has to come in tiny, tiny increments. From the doghouse to the stables, and only later to the house.”
Of course I hadn’t told her about any of this. She saw it. But I knew what she was referring to. It was the dolls.
There were two of them.
Two sisters.
They were poor. They had nothing and no one. They dressed in rags. They lived in the forest, finding shelter under the trees.
They were strong and tough, and had creative ways of getting by.
They used found wood to build a hut between a cluster of boulders. They made forest art. They picked mushrooms and berries.
Once they found a market or a fair at the edge of the woods.
And each week they would hike there and trade their forest findings for things they needed.
Clothing. Books. Pots for cooking. One time someone even gave them an old sewing machine, which they fixed up and began to make cushions and blankets.
Years went by.
Their crafts became well-known in the surrounding villages.
They moved into a cottage.
They were beautiful and happy. Making, building, creating, trading.
And as time went on, their lives became more comfortable until eventually the experiences of cold and fear and lack were just memories.
Or until my parents called to me that it was time for dinner.
Nope. Just me.
Whenever girlfriends came to play or I was at their houses, I was always astonished by how these girls would just start at the end.
They would set up the dolls in a gorgeous house with lots of clothing and a car. A car! And furniture. And boy dolls.
And then they’d … play. It made no sense.
That wasn’t a game. That wasn’t playing. The play was the process. There isn’t anything to do at the end except sit on a couch reading a book and basking in the good.
My girlfriends would also get annoyed at sharing the nice clothing and playthings for the dolls with me, because I wouldn’t actually use these for hours. They didn’t understand.
It’s your game. That’s the part I always forget.
Hiro, in her wisdom and her wonderful ability to be a complete sillyhead wackopants, said I could go out and get some dolls.
That I can rewrite the game.
Make up a new game for them. Change the game. Play again. A different kind of play.
But I couldn’t even imagine a new game. That is the game.
Finding the quality.
Hiro: What is the quality at the heart of this game? If this game is sacred play, what’s going on? Your playing was never about acquisition or growth for the sake of growth. So what is its truth?
Me: Well, there’s something about patience. And trust. And hope.
Hiro: And ingenuity and creativity. Taking action on your own behalf. Activating your powers. Elegant and unlikely solutions. All the things that make you such a good businesswoman.
Me: Oh.
Hiro: Take these qualities and these elements and make a new game.
The zen of the giant collective Comment Blanket Fort.
I would love for you to play with me.
With dolls. Or in your head. That counts too.
Or just thinking (out loud or otherwise) about what this.
What some of our hidden ideal narratives of “success” might be. And where we trip over these imaginary scenarios.
As always, we all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. So we let people have their own experience and we don’t give each other unsolicited advice.
I am going to get two dolls. And take them to the Playground.
postscript: The new Rally page (Rally!) is up. I still don’t know how to explain how great it is but at least now you get a feeling. There’s another page too that’s a Rally FAQ — I hope we covered everything, but if not you’ll let me know.