What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Iguanability #2: Havi’s dancing the Charleston with an Iguana wearing a top hat chicken.
Explanation please?
Iguanability is short for Iguanaccountability, which is what happens when you get deguiltified accountability with your iguanas.
Iguanas are the [stupid, crappy, annoying] things you don’t feel like doing.
Doing this iguanability thing is a reminder that it’s completely normal to avoid stuff you don’t feel like doing and that you are a lovely person despite not wanting to do them.
So it’s like a special iguana chicken where we use this blog as to get acknowledgment and cheering while working on our iguanas. And even if we don’t do the thing, we know that we are still loved and adored.
This whole thing is my friend Karen‘s fault: she came up with the Inowanna Iguana
It just gets more complicated from there so I’m going to stop explaining now.
But just to be clear, that’s the iguana wearing the top hat (not me), and it’s a chicken in which there is a top hat, not a top hat chicken.
My first thing that doesn’t want to be done yet:
A rough draft TOC (table of contents) for a new product I’m working on messing around with.
Reminding myself why I’m wanting to do it now:
This is exactly the right time. I will feel so much better once there’s some sort of outline.
Making it easier on myself by:
Giving myself permission to do the Barbara Sher version which is the five minute “do it really badly” scrawl where you totally lose points if it sounds at all coherent at the end.
Resistance coming up says:
“But you have so many things to do that are more important than this and how can you possibly justify thinking about something you this big when you’re about to go off to California to teach for a week?
And there’s so much pressure because you have to get this exactly right and couldn’t you just do one of the other seventeen hundred things that need your immediate attention?”
Me saying to resistance:
“Mmmmm. I see.
You’re feeling worried that I will get distracted from what’s important, and you also want to know that I’m going to do it right.
Okay. I’m wondering if it might be useful to really limit the time on this one. To do five minutes of scribbling and five minutes of moving stuff around.
Then we could hand it over to some of my students to get some initial feedback, and I won’t worry about it until we’re back.”
Commitment:
I will make fifteen minutes for this.
I will wrap this fifteen minutes in good things at both ends.
We’ll do shiva spirals first to fabulously inappropriate music. And when the fifteen minutes are up there will be tea.
Additionally, I’m committing to jotting down whatever my resistance says while this is happening, and I have permission to have a complete emotional breakdown in the middle and put it off for a few more weeks.
My resistance isn’t liking this right now, but that little conversation is going to need a Negotiator so more on that later.
My second thing that doesn’t want to be done yet:
Travel plans for my actual Non-Emergency Vacation.
Reminding myself why I’m wanting to do it now:
I really, truly know in my body that restful time off gives me clear-headedness and mad getting in the zone, and that it is always better for my business when I stop working.
Experience has proven this over and over again. The hard way.
However, the time gremlins have been very clear regarding their position on this, and I’m pretty sure they’re the ones sabotaging this. They mean well. We just have issues.
Making it easier on myself by:
Making some calls before I book anything.
I’ll run stuff by Hiro and I’ll ask other friends for reminders and reassurances.
I will be Baby Steps McGee on this.
Resistance coming up says:
“Who do you think you are? You think you’re special? You think you get to not work?
You have a household to support and rent to pay, young lady. You can’t go gallivanting around the world doing whatever you feel like. Do you want to be an itinerant? Do you want to sleep in a cardboard box?!
Maybe if you work non-stop for a few more years you can think about taking a vacation, but until then GET YOUR ASS TO WORK!”
Me saying to resistance:
“Wow.
So. You still feel really strongly about this. I know you want to protect me ever experiencing poverty and horribleness again, and I can appreciate that. A lot.
And at the same time, if I wear myself out, the work I do can’t be effective. And then I’ll be too burnt out to make money and we’re back where we started.
Can we maybe look at this not as “vacation” but as investing in my brain and my emotional well-being so that I can keep being innovative and creative at a high level?
Because let’s be honest. It’s being innovative and creative that has helped my business be so successful. And I can’t do that when I’m too exhausted to see straight. “
Commitment:
Half an hour.
We’ll look at our options, crunch some numbers and run it by some friends who value my mental health more than my resistance does.
And then a few days to sleep on it, meditate on it, dance on it and see where it lands.
Reporting back …
Ah yes. Last time.
I finished the stuck writing project.
Big progress on the tax stuff: I had a two-hour meeting as promised, and we sorted a bunch of stuff out. Now it’s back in the hands of Jennifer the Goddess of Bookkeeping and then there is another chunk for me.
All in all, this was useful.
Comment zen for the Iguanability stuff:
Okay. This is a zero-guilt space. Which means …
No shoulds. No shoes. No service. Okay, maybe service. But definitely no advices.
However, little hoorays are appreciated. As are offers of drinks. Or ritual sacrifices to the Iguana.
And of course you are more than welcome to share your own chickens iguanas Things That Don’t Want To Be Done Yet and whatever is being processed around that.
I promise no one here is going to make you feel bad if what you want to happen doesn’t happen in the way you want it to, but we will be supportive so you can regroup.
As Neil Diamond once (horrifyingly) said: chicken ripple ice cream. Goodness.
Item! Tiny, tiny items!
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
Oh yes.
Today’s Items (Item!) are extra-tiny.
Double-brevity points for me!
Is it laziness? No, it’s a writing exercise. Or something.
Item! Post No. 50 in a series that has actually gotten to 50. How very unlikely.
Item! Rethinking the resolutions thing.
Shannon, one of the excellent Group Leaders at my Kitchen Table, now for the second year in a row, is teaching an [intriguing + absurdly affordable] class on not setting resolutions but getting what you want anyway.
And creative thinkery around goals. Details on Shannon’s blog.
Shannon is @shannonmw on Twitter + co-teacher Janine from Peace Of Mind Organizing is @janinea.
Item! This shouldn’t be funny but it is.
Even though it doesn’t sound like it would be.
A montage of scenes where characters say the name of the film they are currently in. Love.
Via Laughing Squid — @laughingsquid on Twitter.
Item! Reusable Gift Wrap.
A kooky, neat, sustainable idea. From cloth.
It’s called Midori-dori and while I found the site kind of hard to use, I think I’m going with the hula girls.
Via claire who is @catskittyns on Twitter.
Item! A Very Personal Ad for feedback.
You’ll think I know a million artists named Fi bu it’s really only two so far.
This one wrote a Very Personal Ad asking for feedback on her Found Creatures Series. Take a look at her Etsy store too.
Can we help?
She’s @wherefishsing on Twitter, which is an excellent Twitter name.
Item! The Cordless Mousewich with USB Cheese Stick from Insanewiches
Need I say more?
Probably. But I’m not going to because come on — Insanewiches!
Item! Happy dancing music.
Just like I said.
Via Sally who is @sally_j on Twitter.
Item! Do not get me these!
But they still made me laugh.
Yes, Freudian slippers.
Thanks, Kate, for pointing me here. I think.
Item! Transitions.
Great post from Cairene on Transitions. Usefulness!
Also she wrote favorable things about Roller Derby after I kind of forcibly dragged her there.
She’s @thirdhandworks on Twitter.
Item! Hark, a vagrant.
Have been … enjoying? getting used to? puzzling over? … these bizarre comics from Kate Beaton.
There are chimneysweeps and someone saying “Gentleman, I propose my bottom!”
She’s @beatonna on Twitter. Thanks to my Gentleman Friend for introducing me.
Item! We missed National Delurking Day. But it still made me laugh.
January 14th. National Delurking Day. Awesome.
So yeah. I didn’t comment because I am madame president chief Lurker of Lurkerville. But I did smile.
*blows kiss to my Beloved Lurkers*
Katie told me about it! She’s an economist who does yoga. Therefore I like her.
Item! If this isn’t a no-brainer, I don’t know what is.
You know how I always talk about Victoria because she’s amazing?
She’s doing a call about ways to use her No Brainer Scenario technique (which you may remember from previous Item-izing) to get clarity on stuckified things and to make stuff happen.
It’s this Tuesday (January 26) at noon Pacific and it doesn’t cost anything and you can read about it here.
She’s @victoriashmoria on Twitter.
Item! Update from the land of the Peculiar & Hilarious Shivanauts!
The “peculiar and hilarious” thing comes from Melynda’s sweet bit about Butterfly Wishes.
Oh. My. God.
I have so much to update and of course none of my notes are where I want them to be.
Wrote about why we’re sponsoring Roller Derby.
Dance of Shiva is really probably the only obscure yoga-based training about which you could easily say “that’s so punk rock”.
Anyway. Go read the post and drool over the gorgeous banner. More next time.
Item! Comments! Here’s what I want this time:
- Things you’re thinking about.
- An example of “good things in small packages” to make me feel better about my tiny items.
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say. Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.
That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday. Or a Balmy one, if you’re Claire. See you tomorrow.
Ack! Thirty Days of Relaxation.
I have issues with relaxation.
Well. Let’s just say that I don’t really like it.
Resistance to comfort. It’s my thing.
Clarification: I do actually love the sensation of being relaxed when I’m there, but I don’t like a lot of things that are supposed to be relaxing.
In the meantime, I’ve been working on becoming someone who can be a little more comfortable with relaxation in different forms.
By taking on a practice that is actually — and weirdly — a lot more challenging than it sounds.
A month of relaxation.
I’ve already started.
Because I’m sneaky that way. I have to work my way into things before I can commit to them actually happening. Today is Day Six. Gah! Day Six! See? Stressful already.
What does “a month of relaxation” even mean?
Am I relaxing for a month? Hell, no.
Because that would be terrifying. Plus I have about a million things going on right now.
So no. My commitment is to spend one hour a day doing things that I personally find relaxing. Yes. I have a list.
And yes, it was totally stressful coming up with a list of things that I find relaxing. And if you just snickered, you’re in really good company.
The “people vary” caveat.
My list isn’t your list.
Stuff that you find relaxing, I might find kind of anxiety-inducing.
Like massage. I have trouble with it. Love the results, issues with the process. My stuff. But there you are.
So the important thing here is not “these are things that are relaxing” but these are things that are relaxing for me.
Also, it’s bizarre how hard it was to find things that count as relaxing that don’t come with non-relaxing stowaways. Like, reading a book could be relaxing but then I have to remember to order stuff from the library (not relaxing).
And obviously everything is made more complicated by the fact that relaxation itself stresses me out, but let’s not get too tangled up here.
Some things that could potentially count as relaxing. For me.
- A bath. Or a foot bath. With Lisa’s salts that make everything better.
- Going to a spawna (my word for any kind of spa-ish place that also has a sauna)
- Giving myself a massage with Heidi’s magic potions (my favorite — surprise! — is called Losing It)
- Listening to a yoga nidra recording. It’s kind of hard to find any that aren’t ridiculously cheesy and annoying, so if you have recommendations, bring it on.
- Doing an hour of non-sucky yoga. Or my genius Old Turkish Lady yoga. Or restorative eye-pillow feel-like-I’m-floating yoga.
- Taking a nap.
- Or going to take a nap and then not napping but resting my eyes and breathing.
- Listening to my crazy Germany hypnosis CD that I love even though it’s kind of insane. Oh that Werner!
- Falling down. I mean, jumping on my tiny trampoline until I fall down.
- Taking my duck to the park.
Aaand a little discomfort to make all that comfort more bearable.
I’m also starting a practice of spending an hour naked every day.
Which is not even slightly relaxing or comfortable for me but I’m hoping will become more so.
Just to be clear, this is not part of my relaxation-comfort practice.
It’s more, you know, to balance the comfort with some discomfort since comfort makes me uncomfortable.
If that makes no sense, I can’t help you. Just assume that I’m trying a bunch of stuff and practicing and it’s weird and hard and complicated.
I’ll probably report back.
Especially since reporting back is the curse of blogging and also I kind of can’t help it.
If you want to join me in the grand experiment, you’re more than welcome.
Whether your experience of this whole thing is more “wa-hoo a month of relaxingness oh the joy!” or more “crap crap crap that sounds like an entire month of horrible” … it would still be nice to have some company.
Comment zen for today.
Please don’t tell me that massage is relaxing or if I just tried X KIND OF BODYWORK I would love it.
I have abuse history. Being touched by strangers is not fun for me.
Massage is something I can work on getting more comfortable with, but it’s really not something I want to actively take on for my month of relaxation.
Oh. I can also do without anyone pointing out the irony of a yoga and meditation teacher who can help other people relax because I just pointed it out myself. Awesome.
I think that’s it. Basically, if you can be gentle with my baby practice, I would appreciate it.
And if you want to use this space to launch a mini-practice of your own, share stories or complain about how stressful relaxation can be, rock on.
Very Personal Ads #29: Restfulness + iguanas + metal clay = sleepy sparkly iguana?
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do it.
Thing 1: Using the Deguiltified Chicken Board. With or without the board. Or the chicken.
Here’s what I want:
So at my Kitchen Table program we have this Deguiltified Chicken Board that’s all about the Iguanaccountability thing. As you know.
Either way. The idea is zero-guilt non-scary space to announce what you’re working on.*
* No one makes you feel bad if what you thought would happen didn’t, but you do get support to help you regroup.
I hardly ever remember to use this board when there’s something I’m working on that’s getting semi-stuckified.
But when I do? Extreme getting stuff done all over the place.
Last week I used the Board to write the last Very Personal Ad. And got it done in 30 minutes (it usually takes at least an hour). And it works even when I’m not online (!)
So I know that if I use it, stuff will move. But …
Here’s how I want this to work:
Maybe I’ll just remember.
Or when I’m reading someone else’s thread, it will remind me that hey, I have stuff to chicken too.
Maybe I can come up with a list of Things I’d Like To Make Progress On, and use that list as a guideline for things I can bring to the board.
Or? I don’t know.
My commitment.
To work on trusting the thing that I know works.
To do Dance of Shiva on this.
To play. To experiment. To take notes. To Chicken.
Thing 2: Someone who loves metal clay (or might love it)
This one is for Riin who is @happyfuzzyyarn on Twitter and a Fluent Self commenter mouse regular.
Here’s her situation:
“I don’t want to make jewelry.
There. I said it.
I used to make jewelry years ago. I stopped because it was killing my wrists.
Then last summer I stumbled into a site about metal clay, which looked like about the coolest thing ever invented, and went into OCD mode and checked out a bunch of metal clay books from the library, read a whole lot of tutorials online, and ordered about $900 worth of gemstones, silver wire, metal clay, tools and equipment.
I made a few things with the gemstones and wire. And I realized I wasn’t enjoying it so much. I never even opened the metal clay packages.
I’m totally addicted to working with fiber.
But jewelry? Meh. I don’t even wear jewelry anymore except for earrings. Really simple earrings. Earrings that I just leave in my ears all the time and don’t bother to change.
So. Yeah. I finally faced the fact that I just don’t want to make jewelry.
And now I’ve got a bunch of gemstones, silver wire, metal clay, tools and equipment just sitting there, taking up space in my studio.
Anyone want to buy it? Because I could really use that space.”
Ways this could work:
Someone here could read this and go yay! And make her an offer. Or write to her and ask how this could work.
Someone here could know someone who could really use all this stuff and come up with a creative, wonderful idea.
Magic. Surprises. A great big web of surprising possibilities.
Ideas, thoughts? Anyone?
My commitment.
If I get to be a connector mouse here for this one, that will make me pretty insanely happy.
Thing 3: Restfulness.
Here’s what I want:
I have serious resistance to all things relaxing and restful.
This is not news.
I want this to change.
Ways this could work:
Okay. This kind of terrifies me to write so please don’t hold me to this.
But I have been toying with a wacky practice of A Month Of Relaxation.
Where I commit to doing one relaxing thing each day. For a month.
Obviously I am not unaware of the ridiculous amount of irony involved, since things that are “relaxing” tend to really stress me out. So actually it’s like a month of tension
I know. Hilarious.
What I’m being drawn to though is some kind of slow, gentle, intentional practice to help me interact with my resistance around relaxing, and to develop a healthier relationship with it.
My commitment.
To give serious thought about ways this might work.
To be playful. You know, while being serious. Right.
To give myself permission to take things slow. To stay at the edges if that’s where I want to be.
To remind myself that my body has a lot of trauma around relaxation (some really not-good things have happened when I’ve been relaxed), and that if this takes time, it takes time.
To be the crazed scientist and experiment experiment experiment. And take notes.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
The tax thing: huge progresses.
The Gentleman Friend and I had our two hour meeting and it wasn’t as painful as I’d thought it would be.
Though there may have been half an hour of crying in the bathroom.
My new bookkeeper Jennifer is amazing.
The asking for a miracle thing: some stuckification of my own on that one. Will report more later.
The “treating the study like a study” thing: taking Lisa’s Love That Room class is definitely helping.
I went to a cafe to do some of the homeworks and when I came back, my gentleman friend had hung the curtains. It changes things.
So. Slowly slowly. But movement. Movement is good.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about what I would like to receive in the comments.
Here’s what I want (just leave them in the comments):
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I would rather not have:
- Reality theories.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
- Advice.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird.
Thanks for doing this with me!
Friday Chicken #76: trombones
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Oh I am the funniest.
But on to Friday.
Because yay, it’s Friday.
Finally!
The hard stuff
Too much to do. Again!
Starting to think this might be an existential thing and not something I can actually do anything about.
Ugh. Depressing. I mean, liberating. But also depressing.
I am resistance mouse.
Resisting everything. Fighting what is good for me, even when I already know that fighting isn’t what I want.
It’s lovely.
Tax stuff. And related stucknesses.
Grrr.
Headache.
And shekels. I can’t stop translating into shekels.
$39,738. That’s how much money my business spent this year on outside help.
That is the administrative cost of my arms not working plus email sabbatical.
I’m not saying it wasn’t worth it. But ohmygod.
For perspective? In 2008 that number was $5,870.
I know that technically this could go in the good section, because yay that didn’t destroy my business and we were able to handle it and everything is okay, but right now I’m kind of wanting to throw up.
See, I still translate dollars into shekels (not the best habit in the world). And that’s like a hundred and fifty thousand shekels.
Okay. When I was working overtime, pulling shifts at two bars, around the clock, I made about forty four thousand shekels. For the year.
The whole thing. Screws with my head. I want to run away.
Things moving way too fast.
Like how is it even Friday?
How did I not make progress on so many things that are wanting progresses?
That seriously makes no sense.
The good stuff
Chickens and Iguanas and good.
I have been doing the iguanaccountability thing all week and it is awesome.
Zoom! Getting stuff done!
And the most amazing thing happened (related).
There was a day of hard with trucks and noisy machinery outside so I ran away to a cafe to do some Things I Was Having Trouble Doing.
But the cafe didn’t have internets so I couldn’t use the Deguiltified Chicken Iguana Board at the Kitchen Table.
So I pretended the board lived on my computer and opened a text document and wrote to the Table mice about my hard and my plan and how long I was going to work on what.
And then I worked on what I needed to work on and every 20 minutes I’d check in — at the top of the page — with how it was going.
And even though it was noisy, 80 minutes of uninterrupted work. Unbelievable.
Because of the chicken-iguana-ness! Even though there wasn’t really anyone there for the iguanaccountability bit. The zone! I was in it.
Help in so many forms.
Genius sessions from Hiro.
Plus her course is so amazing. And Lisa’s Love That Room course is helping too.
Shiva Nata. Rocks my world.
I’ve been having crazy mini-epiphanies from Shiva-ing it up.
The madness that is Level 7 is doing some seriously great things.
Dinner with friends.
We got to hang out with Dana the Spicy Princess and her husband Ranch Boy. And I have missed them and it was lovely.
Plus mmmm, pickles.
Basically friends + pickles = happy happy Havi.
And … playing live at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is:
Face Slam Society
Me (on Twitter): “The hummus-throwing brigade of Northeast Portland strikes again?”
Marissa: “See, now the Indiana Hummus-Throwing Brigade was abandoned in favor of the Ranch Dressing Dunking Society. Much to my dismay.”
Amy: I wish I could form Ranch Dressing Dunking Society: The International Chapter but there’s no ranch dressing here 🙁
Me: Ah yes, the Austrian version is probably the Sachertorte Mit Schlag Face Slam Society. Mmmmm. Face Slam.
Of course, it’s just one guy.
And … STUISMS of the week.
No Stuisms this week. Sigh. Oh, that Stu. I promise there will be plenty of them next time though.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.