What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Ack! Thirty Days of Relaxation.
I have issues with relaxation.
Well. Let’s just say that I don’t really like it.
Resistance to comfort. It’s my thing.
Clarification: I do actually love the sensation of being relaxed when I’m there, but I don’t like a lot of things that are supposed to be relaxing.
In the meantime, I’ve been working on becoming someone who can be a little more comfortable with relaxation in different forms.
By taking on a practice that is actually — and weirdly — a lot more challenging than it sounds.
A month of relaxation.
I’ve already started.
Because I’m sneaky that way. I have to work my way into things before I can commit to them actually happening. Today is Day Six. Gah! Day Six! See? Stressful already.
What does “a month of relaxation” even mean?
Am I relaxing for a month? Hell, no.
Because that would be terrifying. Plus I have about a million things going on right now.
So no. My commitment is to spend one hour a day doing things that I personally find relaxing. Yes. I have a list.
And yes, it was totally stressful coming up with a list of things that I find relaxing. And if you just snickered, you’re in really good company.
The “people vary” caveat.
My list isn’t your list.
Stuff that you find relaxing, I might find kind of anxiety-inducing.
Like massage. I have trouble with it. Love the results, issues with the process. My stuff. But there you are.
So the important thing here is not “these are things that are relaxing” but these are things that are relaxing for me.
Also, it’s bizarre how hard it was to find things that count as relaxing that don’t come with non-relaxing stowaways. Like, reading a book could be relaxing but then I have to remember to order stuff from the library (not relaxing).
And obviously everything is made more complicated by the fact that relaxation itself stresses me out, but let’s not get too tangled up here.
Some things that could potentially count as relaxing. For me.
- A bath. Or a foot bath. With Lisa’s salts that make everything better.
- Going to a spawna (my word for any kind of spa-ish place that also has a sauna)
- Giving myself a massage with Heidi’s magic potions (my favorite — surprise! — is called Losing It)
- Listening to a yoga nidra recording. It’s kind of hard to find any that aren’t ridiculously cheesy and annoying, so if you have recommendations, bring it on.
- Doing an hour of non-sucky yoga. Or my genius Old Turkish Lady yoga. Or restorative eye-pillow feel-like-I’m-floating yoga.
- Taking a nap.
- Or going to take a nap and then not napping but resting my eyes and breathing.
- Listening to my crazy Germany hypnosis CD that I love even though it’s kind of insane. Oh that Werner!
- Falling down. I mean, jumping on my tiny trampoline until I fall down.
- Taking my duck to the park.
Aaand a little discomfort to make all that comfort more bearable.
I’m also starting a practice of spending an hour naked every day.
Which is not even slightly relaxing or comfortable for me but I’m hoping will become more so.
Just to be clear, this is not part of my relaxation-comfort practice.
It’s more, you know, to balance the comfort with some discomfort since comfort makes me uncomfortable.
If that makes no sense, I can’t help you. Just assume that I’m trying a bunch of stuff and practicing and it’s weird and hard and complicated.
I’ll probably report back.
Especially since reporting back is the curse of blogging and also I kind of can’t help it.
If you want to join me in the grand experiment, you’re more than welcome.
Whether your experience of this whole thing is more “wa-hoo a month of relaxingness oh the joy!” or more “crap crap crap that sounds like an entire month of horrible” … it would still be nice to have some company.
Comment zen for today.
Please don’t tell me that massage is relaxing or if I just tried X KIND OF BODYWORK I would love it.
I have abuse history. Being touched by strangers is not fun for me.
Massage is something I can work on getting more comfortable with, but it’s really not something I want to actively take on for my month of relaxation.
Oh. I can also do without anyone pointing out the irony of a yoga and meditation teacher who can help other people relax because I just pointed it out myself. Awesome.
I think that’s it. Basically, if you can be gentle with my baby practice, I would appreciate it.
And if you want to use this space to launch a mini-practice of your own, share stories or complain about how stressful relaxation can be, rock on.
Very Personal Ads #29: Restfulness + iguanas + metal clay = sleepy sparkly iguana?
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do it.
Thing 1: Using the Deguiltified Chicken Board. With or without the board. Or the chicken.
Here’s what I want:
So at my Kitchen Table program we have this Deguiltified Chicken Board that’s all about the Iguanaccountability thing. As you know.
Either way. The idea is zero-guilt non-scary space to announce what you’re working on.*
* No one makes you feel bad if what you thought would happen didn’t, but you do get support to help you regroup.
I hardly ever remember to use this board when there’s something I’m working on that’s getting semi-stuckified.
But when I do? Extreme getting stuff done all over the place.
Last week I used the Board to write the last Very Personal Ad. And got it done in 30 minutes (it usually takes at least an hour). And it works even when I’m not online (!)
So I know that if I use it, stuff will move. But …
Here’s how I want this to work:
Maybe I’ll just remember.
Or when I’m reading someone else’s thread, it will remind me that hey, I have stuff to chicken too.
Maybe I can come up with a list of Things I’d Like To Make Progress On, and use that list as a guideline for things I can bring to the board.
Or? I don’t know.
My commitment.
To work on trusting the thing that I know works.
To do Dance of Shiva on this.
To play. To experiment. To take notes. To Chicken.
Thing 2: Someone who loves metal clay (or might love it)
This one is for Riin who is @happyfuzzyyarn on Twitter and a Fluent Self commenter mouse regular.
Here’s her situation:
“I don’t want to make jewelry.
There. I said it.
I used to make jewelry years ago. I stopped because it was killing my wrists.
Then last summer I stumbled into a site about metal clay, which looked like about the coolest thing ever invented, and went into OCD mode and checked out a bunch of metal clay books from the library, read a whole lot of tutorials online, and ordered about $900 worth of gemstones, silver wire, metal clay, tools and equipment.
I made a few things with the gemstones and wire. And I realized I wasn’t enjoying it so much. I never even opened the metal clay packages.
I’m totally addicted to working with fiber.
But jewelry? Meh. I don’t even wear jewelry anymore except for earrings. Really simple earrings. Earrings that I just leave in my ears all the time and don’t bother to change.
So. Yeah. I finally faced the fact that I just don’t want to make jewelry.
And now I’ve got a bunch of gemstones, silver wire, metal clay, tools and equipment just sitting there, taking up space in my studio.
Anyone want to buy it? Because I could really use that space.”
Ways this could work:
Someone here could read this and go yay! And make her an offer. Or write to her and ask how this could work.
Someone here could know someone who could really use all this stuff and come up with a creative, wonderful idea.
Magic. Surprises. A great big web of surprising possibilities.
Ideas, thoughts? Anyone?
My commitment.
If I get to be a connector mouse here for this one, that will make me pretty insanely happy.
Thing 3: Restfulness.
Here’s what I want:
I have serious resistance to all things relaxing and restful.
This is not news.
I want this to change.
Ways this could work:
Okay. This kind of terrifies me to write so please don’t hold me to this.
But I have been toying with a wacky practice of A Month Of Relaxation.
Where I commit to doing one relaxing thing each day. For a month.
Obviously I am not unaware of the ridiculous amount of irony involved, since things that are “relaxing” tend to really stress me out. So actually it’s like a month of tension
I know. Hilarious.
What I’m being drawn to though is some kind of slow, gentle, intentional practice to help me interact with my resistance around relaxing, and to develop a healthier relationship with it.
My commitment.
To give serious thought about ways this might work.
To be playful. You know, while being serious. Right.
To give myself permission to take things slow. To stay at the edges if that’s where I want to be.
To remind myself that my body has a lot of trauma around relaxation (some really not-good things have happened when I’ve been relaxed), and that if this takes time, it takes time.
To be the crazed scientist and experiment experiment experiment. And take notes.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
The tax thing: huge progresses.
The Gentleman Friend and I had our two hour meeting and it wasn’t as painful as I’d thought it would be.
Though there may have been half an hour of crying in the bathroom.
My new bookkeeper Jennifer is amazing.
The asking for a miracle thing: some stuckification of my own on that one. Will report more later.
The “treating the study like a study” thing: taking Lisa’s Love That Room class is definitely helping.
I went to a cafe to do some of the homeworks and when I came back, my gentleman friend had hung the curtains. It changes things.
So. Slowly slowly. But movement. Movement is good.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about what I would like to receive in the comments.
Here’s what I want (just leave them in the comments):
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I would rather not have:
- Reality theories.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
- Advice.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird.
Thanks for doing this with me!
Friday Chicken #76: trombones
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Oh I am the funniest.
But on to Friday.
Because yay, it’s Friday.
Finally!
The hard stuff
Too much to do. Again!
Starting to think this might be an existential thing and not something I can actually do anything about.
Ugh. Depressing. I mean, liberating. But also depressing.
I am resistance mouse.
Resisting everything. Fighting what is good for me, even when I already know that fighting isn’t what I want.
It’s lovely.
Tax stuff. And related stucknesses.
Grrr.
Headache.
And shekels. I can’t stop translating into shekels.
$39,738. That’s how much money my business spent this year on outside help.
That is the administrative cost of my arms not working plus email sabbatical.
I’m not saying it wasn’t worth it. But ohmygod.
For perspective? In 2008 that number was $5,870.
I know that technically this could go in the good section, because yay that didn’t destroy my business and we were able to handle it and everything is okay, but right now I’m kind of wanting to throw up.
See, I still translate dollars into shekels (not the best habit in the world). And that’s like a hundred and fifty thousand shekels.
Okay. When I was working overtime, pulling shifts at two bars, around the clock, I made about forty four thousand shekels. For the year.
The whole thing. Screws with my head. I want to run away.
Things moving way too fast.
Like how is it even Friday?
How did I not make progress on so many things that are wanting progresses?
That seriously makes no sense.
The good stuff
Chickens and Iguanas and good.
I have been doing the iguanaccountability thing all week and it is awesome.
Zoom! Getting stuff done!
And the most amazing thing happened (related).
There was a day of hard with trucks and noisy machinery outside so I ran away to a cafe to do some Things I Was Having Trouble Doing.
But the cafe didn’t have internets so I couldn’t use the Deguiltified Chicken Iguana Board at the Kitchen Table.
So I pretended the board lived on my computer and opened a text document and wrote to the Table mice about my hard and my plan and how long I was going to work on what.
And then I worked on what I needed to work on and every 20 minutes I’d check in — at the top of the page — with how it was going.
And even though it was noisy, 80 minutes of uninterrupted work. Unbelievable.
Because of the chicken-iguana-ness! Even though there wasn’t really anyone there for the iguanaccountability bit. The zone! I was in it.
Help in so many forms.
Genius sessions from Hiro.
Plus her course is so amazing. And Lisa’s Love That Room course is helping too.
Shiva Nata. Rocks my world.
I’ve been having crazy mini-epiphanies from Shiva-ing it up.
The madness that is Level 7 is doing some seriously great things.
Dinner with friends.
We got to hang out with Dana the Spicy Princess and her husband Ranch Boy. And I have missed them and it was lovely.
Plus mmmm, pickles.
Basically friends + pickles = happy happy Havi.
And … playing live at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is:
Face Slam Society
Me (on Twitter): “The hummus-throwing brigade of Northeast Portland strikes again?”
Marissa: “See, now the Indiana Hummus-Throwing Brigade was abandoned in favor of the Ranch Dressing Dunking Society. Much to my dismay.”
Amy: I wish I could form Ranch Dressing Dunking Society: The International Chapter but there’s no ranch dressing here 🙁
Me: Ah yes, the Austrian version is probably the Sachertorte Mit Schlag Face Slam Society. Mmmmm. Face Slam.
Of course, it’s just one guy.
And … STUISMS of the week.
No Stuisms this week. Sigh. Oh, that Stu. I promise there will be plenty of them next time though.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
Writing notes to elephants. Letters to a hole.
One of my clients has an elephant.
We don’t know yet if it’s the elephant in the room.
Or if it’s the elephant that you can only describe parts of.
Or another elephant altogether.
A student of mine has a hole in her memory.
Another one thinks she has a thing but is desperate to know more about it.
And I live in a house that has a history of sadness.
So we’re writing letters. Leaving notes.
Planting seeds.
A Possible Letter To An Elephant.
Dear elephant,
I think you are mine. Maybe I’m wrong about that.
Either way, though, here you are.
And I want you to know that I’ve noticed. I am aware of your elephant-ness in different parts of my life.
Please accept this paper cup of animal crackers. I hope that’s not inappropriate or anything, but I wasn’t sure what you like.
If you could tell me more about what you like, I would appreciate that.
Thank you.
p.s. Please don’t hide from me. I want us to get to know each other!
A Possible Letter To A Hole.
Hole in my memory,
I feel very conflicted about the idea of interacting with you because I am not sure whether or not I want to know what lives inside you.
Actually, I’m pretty sure I don‘t want to know what’s in the hole. And Havi said I don’t have to. So please don’t tell me.
However, I would like to know more about the essence of you and what your purpose is in my life.
I would like to know what you need. And if there is something that would comfort you.
Also, I would like comfort for myself as it is very disconcerting living with a hole.
And safety, because this is scary. I am only going to interact with you if we can have safety with this.
This is me, starting. This is me, making room for the possibility of conscious interaction with parts of myself that are lost.
I am not lost. I am right here.
Possible Letter to A Thing That Might Be Mine.
Dear Thing! Are you my thing? Oh, I want you to be my thing!
I know Havi said it’s fine not to have a thing or not to know. Because things move and change. That is the nature of things. Apparently.
But I would like to know more about what gives me that thrill of possibility. I would like to know more about what inspires me.
If you are my thing or a part of my thing, there are cookies in it for you. Just saying.
Love, me.
Havi’s Letter to Hoppy House.
Hoppy House,
I want you to be Happy Hoppy House. I want you to feel safe and welcomed and loved.
Just as I want to feel safe and welcomed and loved when I am with you.
Obviously, I’m bringing a lot of my own screwed-up past to this too. So I’m doing what I can to say here, now. And to love you.
Please help me have new experiences with this whole “space for me” thing while I’m recovering from old trauma and stucknesses.
And I will do what I can to help you feel appreciated. Okay, fine. Adored. You will be adored.
Where does a letter like this go?
Anywhere you want it to.
You can hide a letter in your home. Or somewhere else.
Leave it in a book.
Mail it to yourself.
Mail it to the Wish Queen. Or the Fish Queen. Or the Squish Queen.
Make up a ritual.
Burn it.
Shred it.
Bury it.
Crumple it.
Sing it. Dance it. Hum it. Wear it.
Or write a letter to your letter and ask it what it would like you to do with it. Meta-wackiness FTW!
Comment zen for today.
Letters are sensitive things.
As are elephants, holes, secret things and houses.
So we speak softly. We don’t throw shoes. We wear our invisible crowns. We remember that our stuff is our stuff and that everyone is entitled to stuff and to having it.
And that this post doesn’t come with shoulds. So if you’re picking up on any, they’re probably yours.
I might write them a letter. But you don’t have to unless you want to. Promise.
Item! Something in the water (grumpy bears?)
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
Item! Post No. 49 in a mostly weekly series that was probably going somewhere, at some point, and is now just its own Wednesday thing.
Item! Go ahead. Hate my stuff.
A perfect reminder of a post from Laura Belgray on why writing is like a big glass of milk.
” I will end up living in a mildewed, roach-infested, one-room apartment over someone’s garage, eating tuna from a can on Christmas, like Fonzie did that one time. That’s what I start to think.
But then I remember this: For everything that’s great, there’s someone out there who HATES it.”
Her blog is called Talking to Shrimp. You can’t not love her. Well, you can. According to her post. But still.
She’s @lbelgray on Twitter.
Item! The psychology of decision-making.
Victoria has written a lot of good stuff about this (remember her No Brainer post?) — this bit was a useful addition.
We let “because it’s good for you” become a factor in decision-making, when it really shouldn’t get to have a vote.
“Yes, I know making decisions is complicated (I am a superb waffler), and sometimes it’s not so easy to answer the question of ‘Do I want to do this thing?’ But, in the end, if you’re going to say yes, the balance should be tipped more to the side of wanting to do it than not.”
Good examples. Good stuff to think about.
She’s @victoriashmoria on Twitter.
Item! Email addresses you’d hate to have to give out over the phone.
Damn you, McSweeneys! I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it.
“Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com”
Thanks to @sally_j who sent me there.
Item! Grumpy Bears Unite!
I can get behind this.
“I’m not really grumpy. And I’m certainly not sad or depressed. It’s just that I’m not into the hoopla of the holidays much anymore.
In winter, I like to stay home, play mandolin and ukulele, write poetry and prose, and laugh at anything that pokes fun at commercialism, holiday treacle, or extreme reverence.”
She’s @LizEnslin on Twitter.
Item! Behind the storyboards of The Princess And The Frog.
I don’t know how Karen — of Iguanability fame — got this interview with Paul Briggs, Disney story artist and all-around interesting guy, but yay.
With original thumbnail and storyboard drawings from him! Exclamation points!
“In 1984 I was 10 years old and I was in a mall at a Walden’s Bookstore and came across ‘The Illusion of Life’ by Frank and Ollie. Even though there was no way we could afford it, my Mom bought it for me and I spent the rest of the day slamming into people, benches and planters because I couldn’t take my face out of that massive book.”
She’s @KarenJL on Twitter and I love her.
Item! But it’s my Frankenstein, and for that I love it.
Tom Tom is a magazine about female drummers.
And this piece is just super well-written.
“There was something so refreshing about this kit, something old and alive and totally weird, in the best way. And yeah, it wobbles sometimes, and sometimes the drum geeks notice that the Slingy logo is written in Sharpie. But it’s my Frankenstein, and for that I love it.”
Item! Cairene and Julie are doing a class.
It’s on creative ways to map business ideas, get clarity, brainstorm and come up with a visual plan.
It’s also surprisingly affordable and bound to be full of good stuff.
Rumors of kangaroos and confetti, people.
Cairene and Julie are wonderful wise women (I’ve met them both in person and can vouch for their Extreme Fabulousness). Anyway, it’s all in the post.
Cairene is @thirdhandworks and Julie is @juliestuart.
Item! Related: mapping + priorities + creativity.
Is there something in the water?
I wrote about the illusion of planning. Cairene and Julie are doing the mapping course. And my lovely, lovely Molly just wrote about setting priorities when your right brain says you can’t.
And manages to cover bossiness, spontaneity and creation.
“Whether we’re growing a business, a garden, or a painting, the creative process is about collaborating with reality, not fighting it. That means that humility is a keystone of setting priorities.
You see, it’s note very humble to imagine that by setting priorities we are bossing the Universe around. We just aren’t that powerful. Remember that you’re not in charge, then go for it as best you can.”
Molly is @shaboom on Twitter.
Item! The song that is cheering me up today.
This is not new.
But that doesn’t matter.
Thanks to @fabeku for reminding me of how much happy.
Item! Update from the land of the Peculiar & Hilarious Shivanauts!
The “peculiar and hilarious” thing comes from Melynda’s sweet bit about Butterfly Wishes.
I had the most classic mini-epiphany ever. Total Shiva Nata moment.
“And realized it was flanked by trees.
Right. The space I want to ground is surrounded by trees on both sides.”
Lots of other good Dance-of-Shiva related things going on actually — I will do a round-up next time!
Item! Comments! Here’s what I want this time:
- Things you’re thinking about.
- Recent mini-epiphanies of your own, if you’re a Shivanaut. Or even if you aren’t.
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say. Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.
That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday. Or balmy. You know. If it’s balmy. Anyway. See you tomorrow.