What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Not a personal ad.
But maybe a preview?
Some of my clients and students and other Right People out there in the world are feeling … oh, conflicted.
They want (or mostly want) to be writing Very Personal Ads* but they aren’t. And can’t.
*The Very Personal Ads are a practice where we ask for something we want in order to get clarity on stuff and also to practice getting better at asking for things.
It’s a kind of … personal ad paralysis. And it makes sense.
As one of my students said:
“I’m definitely very drawn to the Personal Ads and I also keep pulling away.
It’s like, I want to ask for things (or to be able to ask for things) but it sets off all my stuck and anyway, I can’t even narrow any of this down enough to figure out what I actually need, you know?”
I get it. And I’m also thinking, maybe we can make this whole thing a little less hard.
How about we start with this?
Don’t write a personal ad.
Seriously. You don’t have to. I mean, you feel conflicted.
So right now if you were going to write a personal ad, it would be one that asked for the ability to not feel conflicted about writing personal ads.
You’re probably not going to do that because … uh, you feel conflicted. About writing personal ads.
Which is absolutely legitimate.
So, instead of writing a personal ad (or a personal ad for a personal ad), what if you wrote a non-personal non-ad?
Like this. You answer these three questions.
Except they aren’t actually questions so it’s really more like you finish these sentences.
Selma and I will do the exercise too, so you have an example to work with. Though if you don’t like the non-questions, you can totally rewrite those too.
Non-personal-ad non-question #1:
Even though I don’t know what I would even ask for …
Even though I don’t know what I would even ask for … I really like the idea of getting clarity on something. So if writing a personal ad could shed some light on some of this stuff that would be pretty great.
Even though I don’t know what I would even ask for … I’m going to try this thing and find out what happens when I give myself permission to ask.
Even though I don’t know what I would even ask for … I wonder what would happen if I could just ask for something without necessarily having to think about whether or not there’s a possibility of receiving it.
Non-personal-ad non-question #2:
Even though I don’t believe that there is any way on earth that this would ever work …
Even though I don’t believe that there is any way on earth that this would ever work …what if it doesn’t have to?
Even though I don’t believe that there is any way on earth that this would ever work …what if it did?
Even though I don’t believe that there is any way on earth that this would ever work …what if it were enough for me to get a bit more clarity on what I want and need?
And what if that clarity could be a resource that I could call on when I needed it? What if it could give me that extra spaciousness?
What if that clarity and spaciousness could turn out to be the answer that I’m needing? Not something external but something internal?
Non-personal-ad non-question #3:
Even though I feel really, really uncomfortable when I just start to think about asking for stuff …
Even though I feel really, really uncomfortable when I just start to think about asking for stuff, I’m noticing that this is all about my sense that asking is greedy.
Even though I feel really, really uncomfortable when I just start to think about asking for stuff, I’m recognizing that I’m really … afraid that people will think I’m obnoxious or “entitled” or demanding stuff.
Even though I feel really, really uncomfortable when I just start to think about asking for stuff and this is setting off all my triggers about “deserving” and how money doesn’t grow on trees and stuff … I don’t have to do things that make me really uncomfortable.
I’m allowed to have issues around this. And I’m noticing that this is reminding me of [personal memory] and that’s really interesting.
And I’m noticing that I have big crazy resistance to the word “allowed”. Blech. I think I need to do more thinking/writing on that one.
Actually, I think I’m going to do ten minutes of Shiva Nata with my discomfort-with-asking as my theme/intention and maybe I’ll get an epiphany on that in the next couple days.
So, in low-key conclusion …
I guess what I’m recommending here is letting yourself not do the practice, but to go ahead and not-do-it in a way that lets you engage with some of the interesting bits of it.
In other words, you have permission to skip the stuckified parts but to still enjoy things like playfulness and curiosity and exploration.
Or whatever not-quite-as-cheesy words work for you.
Because who knows? Maybe this will open a door or two into a practice that’s a better fit for you.
Maybe it will supply some Useful Information about what you need.
Or maybe it will help you realize that doing it one way isn’t your thing, but there’s a different way of interacting with this that might lead you to something that is your thing.
And if the not-doing gives you a little more freedom to have fun with this, hooray. And if not, we’ll try something else.
My own Very Personal Ad for today?
Wishing for you (okay, and for me!) anything that helps you feel safe, supported and loved. And whatever you need to help release the stuff that says you “have to do it this one way“.
Because you don’t.
And that’s the great (and weird) part in this whole working on your stuff thing. You get to do it in a way that’s comfortable for you. I know! Crazy! Right?
But that’s another topic so I’m just going to trail off awkwardly now. Like this …
Item! Blurbishness! The airport edition.
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
I’m writing this Tuesday night hoping hoping hoping that by the time this is published Wednesday morning I’ll be back home in Portland.
It’s been ridiculously hard just getting out of Tennessee and even making it to Atlanta launched another saga of complications.
But enough about my complicated life and on to the Items!
Item! Post No. 32 in a series whose existence continues to beat the odds even while I’m on the road, apparently.
Item! So beautiful!
I am madly in love with Elizabeth’s blog. It’s called Retinal Perspectives and it’s pictures. And words.
Gorgeous, gorgeous pictures. And words.
Her tagline is “finding beauty in the ordinary — and in the extraordinary” … and that pretty much sums it up.
These yellow flowers make me too happy.
Or this beautifulness from the Lake Oswego market. This to me is summer in Portland.
Item! Miliblogging.
I love this post because it reminds me of the never-more-than-five-line emails my friend David and I sent each other over the course of years and years and years.
Of course, I can’t blog like this because for me, anything under a thousand words is excruciatingly painful and takes twice as long to write.
But I love the concept. I love the freedom in it.
Or, really, the combination of freedom and structure, liberation and discipline. It’s very Shiva Nata, as a concept.
“What would you say if you had to keep your blog post/email/whatever less than five sentences long?
You’d have the same resources — including time — to write a shorter body of text that would give the same impact.
What are the benefits to the reader? What would you have to do differently?”
You can answer his question here.
And really, how can you not read a blog whose tagline is Flogging A Dead Horse… and other animals?
He’s @neonpaul on Twitter.
Item! I can’t stand having to write about myself.
Even though I have my wonderful First Mate to turn down almost all interview requests and the like, every once in a while I get roped into a thing.
A thing where I’m expected to write something. About me. And what I do. What?!
As if I have even the faintest idea about what that is. Ridiculous, I say!
Shouldn’t people already know who I am? And if not, can’t we just let them figure it out over time like everyone else?
If I can make a very good living not having any idea what I do, why can’t we all just go on with the not knowing?
Anyway. Enough whining. But my problem is that as soon as someone asks me to write about myself, I get all goofy.
Here are some of the little bio blurb-ey bits I’ve written but haven’t sent:
“Havi: pirate queen — Selma: dancing queen”
“Havi: silent partner of international drama queen diva Selma the Duck, who has appeared on German television and even had her picture in the New York Times and stuff. Twice.”
“Havi has an unfortunate disease which results in her not being able to talk about herself in the third person without giggling hysterically.”
“Havi’s Right People are kind enough to not really care what she does or why, so she’s going to keep being mysterious and not explain it, if that’s okay.”
Item! Wordnik!
This site! It’s called wordnik.
And really I should not have to say any more than that to get you to click through.
Marissa told me about it. She’s @marissabracke on Twitter.
Item! 200 women.
The brilliant and fabulous Sally Jacobs, ladies and gentleman.
She sent me this. Because she sends me things.
“Daily Zen –> 200 women clock in @ the westinghouse factory in 1904. I thought they all had the exact same hair, but not if you look close!”
She’s @sally_j on Twitter.
Item! This logo on YOUR website! How could you not want that?
This is super mean and I should know better.
But every once in a while I’ll be reading someone’s sales page and something will just hit me right in the funny bone.
So yeah, I’m not even close to being one of the Right People for this program. Which means that this page isn’t for me. It’s for other people.
But I read it anyway and then laughed for almost ten minutes. All because of this one question:
“How would this logo look on your website?”
I can’t think of an appropriate answer to that question (though I also can’t stop asking it and then collapsing in giggles) so I’m going to stop right here.
Item! Comments!
I loved the other week when I got to work on my practice of how I ask for stuff and you guys gave me the most amazing recommendations.
Here’s what I’m wishing for comment-wise:
- Things that make you laugh inappropriately.
- Things that are good about Wednesday (either in general or related to the particular Wednesday-ness of today.
My commitment.
I commit to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and to interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.
That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday. See you tomorrow.
Stranded in Tennessee — and weirdly grateful.
You might already know that I’m not really a fan of forced gratitude or mandatory counting of blessings.
Which is why I have my list of 77 things that don’t completely suck for my Thanksgiving-inspired not-having-to-be-grateful gratitude practice.
And yet … here I am. Making a list of things I’m really, truly, sincerely appreciating right now. And it’s surprising the hell out of me.
Things I’m really, truly sincerely appreciating right now … despite being stranded in Tennessee.
Or maybe even because of it.
These are numbered because I feel like numbering stuff (indulge me!), but the order is pretty irrelevant. The order: it’s like the final score on Whose Line Is It Anyway.
1. My sweet love … aka the iPhone.
Spending half the day in an absurdly tiny airport and then not even getting on a flight …
The waiting-without-knowing can be really challenging. For me, at least.
Having some internet-ness and the twittering (and being able to text/call my gentleman friend) all without worrying about power cords and such was pretty cool.
2. My other sweet love.
Even from a gazillion miles away, my gentleman friend is the best commiserator ever.
He always knows exactly what to say and never tries to cheer me up by telling me that actually things are really okay.
And he can do the co-grumbling and the gratifying symbolic fist-shaking-at-the-heavens like nobody’s business.
3. The older man who drove the shuttle to the hotel.
I don’t remember his name and to be honest, I couldn’t understand more than about half of what he was saying because of the accent — but boy was he ever sweet.
Which is good.
Because I was feeling pretty cranky, what with the waiting and the wondering and then the “we’re canceling the flight that was supposed to leave three hours ago and we can’t put you on another one, so here’s a voucher for a hotel, see you tomorrow, bye” part.
And the even more annoying part of how they absolutely will not apologize even though that would so clearly earn them back a few mensch points.
Anyway, this guy was awesome.
He talked my ear off about everything. The local area (born and raised). And about what food to eat (“there’s a Mexican place where I never understand what I’m eating but I always order the #6”).
And about how wonderful the hotel he works for is. Seriously. Never have I heard anyone wax so poetic about a barely run-of-the-mill chain before.
But he loves his job and you can totally tell.
“Oh, Miss Trish! That Miss Trish will take care of you! And there’s breakfast. And it’s good. It’s real good.”
4. Being cared for by Miss Trish.
Really, she’s that good.
And cheerful. The exact kind of cheer that I’m needing right now.
5. The niceness in general.
I don’t know if it’s just southerners doing the southern thing.
Is that a horrible stereotype? Are southerners really more easy going than everyone else in North America?
Because it could be that I just happened to bump into a bunch of especially cheerful people, but man. Cheerful in the face of ludicrous wrongness — but in an endearing, inspiring way instead of an annoying one.
It really seems as though everyone around me is so much more patient and kind than I am. And for some reason even that doesn’t annoy me today.
6. Not being poor anymore.
It helps.
It helps with the not panicking when things go not according to plan.
This is not my last five dollars. I can buy something to eat. If I have to take a cab somewhere, it’s a thing I can do.
Whew.
I am so very thankful for that.
7. Having three different people model for me what the right attitude is.
The right attitude? Meh. I don’t know. A useful attitude.
There was the woman who travels to and from St. Louis at least once a week. Sensible clothes, ponytail, earrings that did sparkly things.
She said, “I used to get so mad at this stuff. It would make me completely crazy. Until I realized that all that does is make you more crazy. Not worth it. Not worth the crazy.”
There was the guy with the long hair who had just come back from the Nascar race in Bristol and he turned to me and said, “Isn’t this fun?”
Me: “Mmmm … that’s one word for it.”
And he laughed like it was the funniest situation that anyone could possibly get himself into.
And there were the two hilarious women from Sioux Falls, obviously old friends, who regaled me with tales of the dozens of bizarre and awful things that had happened to them on their way here.
And how they’d just given up and gone to drink bourbon at the airport bar, and cackle about it. They were awesome.
8. People to laugh with.
It helps.
Laughing alone just isn’t as much fun.
8.5. Not alone.
I have Selma. I have my thoughts. I have people I know (Tara the Blonde Chicken!) who care about me and can take care of me if things go weird.
In fact, because of the crazy magic of Twitter, I could get “stranded” pretty much anywhere and still know people there.
9. A forced vacation is a good thing too.
Right?
Special postscript in case you happen to be related to me:
You don’t have to worry. I’m fine. I got a lovely hotel room and another flight home … everything worked out perfectly.
Whee.
Comment Zen for today:
- Disastrous travel stories of your own are welcome!
- Commiseration = also good.
Very Personal Ads #8: it’s extra meta on Planet Havi this week
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my weekly ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do it!
Thing 1: Perspective.
Here’s what I want:
Things are pretty hectic on Planet Havi right now.
Teaching in North Carolina. Flying back to Portland. Taking off to Berlin.
Oh, and running a business at the same time. And writing a book. Wow.
So: I would like some tiny, sweet moments of quiet. Moments of grace, spaciousness, expansiveness.
Other than the ones that come during meditation or yoga or in the midst of the delightful whoosh of equal parts calm and chaos that is Shiva Nata.
Spaces. Breaks. Gaps. Little safe holes to crawl into.
Here’s how I want to get them:
Quiet little deguiltified reminders.
Or they could just show up.
Or I could remember to take them.
Or my gentleman friend could help me create intentional spaces for brief bits of not-doing.
Or? I’m open to possibility.
My commitment.
I will treasure these moments. I won’t wait until sickness or exhaustion make me take them. I will enjoy them even if they are brief. I will drink them in.
Thing 2: A blog post about Very Personal Ads.
Here’s the situation:
So I have been trying to write a post about these Very Personal Ads.
Well, about Very Personal Ads in general.
As a practice. As a concept.
About why this is not (for me, at least) an especially wacky practice. How (for me, at least) it has nothing at all to do with “law of attraction”-ey kinds of stuff.
Because people have questions.
And because they say stuff like “I didn’t know you believed in x, y and z” (I don’t) or “I don’t know how to make this work” (I do).
And the post is just not writing itself. And I can’t seem to get in the mood to write it.
I have lots to say about the topic. I just can’t write the post.
More about that:
It’s really important to me that people know they are completely allowed to have their own experience, whatever it is.
Because I have zero desire to dictate someone else’s experience or to impose my own Theories of How The World Works on them.
So if someone already has a life philosophy that’s working for them, awesome.
And at the same time, I want to give you guys the freedom to not have to subscribe to any particular reality theory to get big, crazy benefits from this practice.
And I want you to have tools that work, so that you can use Very Personal Ads (if that’s something that even kind of appeals to you) in a way that’s healthy and effective. And sustainable. And fun!
Ways this situation could resolve itself:
Maybe the post could write itself!
Maybe I could teach a clinic about how to create Very Personal Ads …
That could make it a lot easier to cover things like how to do it so it works. Or why it’s not necessarily a hippie spiritual practice, though it can be …
Maybe I can just give this time to gestate and stop trying to push a post that isn’t ready to be written.
My commitment.
I’m open to what comes up.
Willing to be surprised.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
The server issue is resolving itself nicely. Tech Pirate Charlotte is doing her magical genius thing.
The money showed up. We’re good for now.
And I’m still working on the “receiving support in a variety of ways” thing. But the working on it is really helping me.
And on Tuesday, I received amazing resources of support from an unexpected source and it was really freaking cool.
Big crazy biggification stuff happening over here. And a lot of people are coming together to make it happen.
So I’m feeling good about it.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂
Here’s what I want:
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for.
- Thoughts or ideas about ways any of the personal ads here could come true.
What I would rather not have:
- Reality theories.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird. I’m commit to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and to interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible.
Thanks for doing this with me! Doing the Very Personal Ads with you is one of the highlights of my week.
Friday Check-in #55: Blonde Chicken Chicken Chicken.
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I’m in Tennessee! Whee!
Hanging out with Tara the Blonde Chicken and getting ready to teach three days of wacky brain training near Asheville, North Carolina.
Which is basically the best thing ever.
Doing the Friday Chicken while sitting with the Blonde Chicken.
It’s a Double Chicken! Chicken.
The hard stuff
Overworked. I mean, over-working.
I worked through the whole weekend.
By choice, yes.
There was a lot to do and I was excited about doing it and in the zone.
So I don’t regret it. But it meant a lot of tired and grumpy this week until I remembered that I had to suddenly kind of take a weekend in the middle of the week.
Which was annoying too. Because this week was crazy.
Monday.
Every once in a while, things converge in such a way that every single thing I don’t want to do needs to happen at exactly the same time.
I’m pretty sure Mt. Hood (which, by the way, I still don’t believe in) was in retrograde again.
Because Monday was the day. Phone calls I didn’t want to make. Bills I didn’t like. Conversations I didn’t want to have.
Blech.
Stupid little mistakes.
Things going wrong.
Little miscommunications.
Seriously, how did we manage to send two people the wrong DVD in as many weeks? How is it that I put in huge chunks of really good, focused work and still don’t get to the things that I actually want to do?
GRUMBLE!
Needing to rest.
Extra-schleepy. Not so much the functioning with the schleepy.
The good stuff
North Carolina! Shivanauts!
I have been looking forward to teaching this weekend of Shiva Nata Wackiness forever.
The plans! They are full of fabulous! The people! They are awesome.
The Shiva Nata! It is the bomb.
Very exciting.
Will fill you in more next week. But I am super happy about this.
My site is having a birthday!
The Fluent Self is four years old.
Though the colors and typefaces are the same and the basic layout is similar, it doesn’t look very much like it did then.
Wow. Four years.
That is the crazy.
Big changes. Many little steps. And but but but but.
So the huge thing this week was that I did something I’ve been wanting to do for over a year.
I turned the blog part of the Fluent Self site into the main thing — so that when you go to the site you get sent straight to the blog.
Because for the longest time it felt like I had this kind of serious, sober front door and a big, fabulous party hidden in the back.
And if you knew to come in through the back door, there was always mad fun to be had back here. But you had to find your way. So many people would just stand at the front door and then go away.
But I thought I had to have that serious front door to explain something about what I do. But though it wasn’t the right explanation any more, I hated to let good copy go to waste.
But but but.
And the truth is, all this not making the change was really (as my friend Janet says) about loss. And about recognizing that sense of loss.
There was just this part of me that didn’t want to change the beautiful site that my ex built for me.
And then … I was ready. And it happened. And I’m really happy about it.
I’m really appreciating my pirate crew!.
It’s not easy running a pirate ship. And I get so much help.
And I am feeling especially grateful for my wonderful First Mate Marissa Bracke who keeps so much stuff off my plate.
Also she helps me in my impossible practice of saying no, and even approves of me saying no.
Actually, she says things like:
Go-go gadget BOUNDARIES! (Wonder Twin Boundaries, Activate!) etc. etc. 🙂
Because she’s awesome.
And … playing live at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
So this week, I bring you:
A Thousand Middle Columns
Me: “So then it’s like A Thousand Middle Columns.”
Ez: “Dude. I heard it’s just one guy.”
(Special thanks to Wendy Cholbi for this week’s band name!)
twitter link
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.