What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Item! There is reference to badassery in this post!
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
So most of the people I know who post stuff online tend to alternate between desperately hoping that people will read it and (equally desperately) wishing that maybe no one will ever see it.
As one woman whose blog I’ve mentioned here said to me ….
“You read my post! I wondered if (and hoped) you would. And sometimes hoped you wouldn’t.”
And then another said this:
“I’ve been trying to tell more people about what I write … in the spirit of getting over my fear of being shot on sight if I become more visible.”
So I apologize in advance to everyone who wrote the beautiful, interesting things I’m mentioning today for giving them the thing they don’t want (but do). But don’t.
Item! Post No. 26 in a series that lets me dramatically send you off to the four corners of the internet in search of joy and wonder and … such.
Item! What’s in a name?
The lovely Communicatrix who is now transitioning into going by her “real” name, wrote this week about “Why I wasn’t Colleen Wainwright and why I am now.”
It’s a well-written, interesting read (hello, this is the Communicatrix we’re talking about) that manages to cover identity, wordishness, history, blogging and the whole transparency thing.
(Personally, I say to hell with the transparency police. Call yourself what you want.)
After all, if anyone consistently demonstrates honest, open, from-the-heart writing on the web, it’s the woman who wrote this post:
“And in mid-century America, in the circles Charles Anthony Weinrott wanted to travel in, if it wasn’t better to be non-Jewish, it was definitely better to be non-different. So he Anglicized the name, converted to Catholicism, et voila! All traces of the Jew in him, save a lingering penchant for chopped liver, were eliminated. (And hey, who doesn’t like a nice pâté?)”
She’s @Communicatrix on Twitter.
Item! Pecked to death by angry birds! (but not really, don’t worry)
Nice piece from Brooke Thomas called pecked to death by angry birds (and related epiphanies).
She realizes that the birds who won’t stop pecking at her aren’t the enemy. They’re actually her. Pecking at herself and punishing herself.
And then she starts looking for ways to shift that pattern …
“Yay! I’m so busy that I must be a good person- one who is worthy of existing! Yippee! Now that my Puritan ancestors are nodding in approval, we can move on. (Provided you haven’t abandoned this page already because you decided you’ve been listening to the ravings of a madwoman).”
Good stuff.
She’s @brookethomas on Twitter.
Item! How to write a douche-free bio!
Ladies and gentleman, I give you the fabulous Kelly Parkinson:
“How many of us compress our lives into 200 words or less in real-life conversation? Only the most annoying ones, that’s who.”
Her sixteen questions to help you write a bio that doesn’t have any “marketing douche-baggery” in it are … smart, funny and useful.
I heart Kelly. That is all.
She’s @copylicious on Twitter.
Item! Weird-Cookie-Eating Reenactment!
This woman is awesome.
Her name is Alice Bradley and I found her here. I know, isn’t that weird?
She left a comment and I thought this woman rocks.
And then she made a video representation of her kid not eating a cookie.
“All I can say is, he ate a single cookie in the oddest, most irritating way possible. As if there might be sprouts or poison lurking somewhere within the cookie. I was going to write about it, but I couldn’t possibly describe his insane cookie-eating method in a way that would do it justice.”
The post is called “Wherein we display our enviable dramatic skills” and yes, the video is definitely worth a minute and a half of your watching attention.
Also, is it just me or is “cookie reenactment post” the funniest phrase ever? Because I just said it out loud and it made me giggle.
She’s @finslippy on Twitter.
Item! Badass of the Week!
The site is BadassOfTheWeek.com and it is written by (badass) Ben Thompson who “writes stuff about badasses”.
And it is my new favoritest thing in the entire world.
Outside of cheese.
The writing is smart, funny, engaging and … oh, slightly off-color. Also, “slightly” might be a “slight” exaggeration.
As he says:
“You should probably also be aware that this site features an unnecessarily copious amount of profanity, so if you’re easily offended by that sort of thing then this would be a good time for you to turn off your computer and go join a convent.”
Anyway, I was a history major, and I also spent several years working in dive bars in south Tel Aviv where the ability to curse up a storm was highly prized.
So the Badass Of Week manages to cover pretty much everything I love in this world (except cheese) all at once. No small feat.
Thanks to my beloved Jenny the Bloggess for introducing me to the badassery.
And you can look for @BadassoftheWeek on Twitter.
Item! Speaking of things slightly curse-ey ….
I really appreciated this post from Amy Mommaerts.
It’s called Independence News Flash: Armageddon has struck Shittyville!
Uh huh. And it’s great.
“Somewhere along the line, unknowingly, I decided to make everything much harder than it needed to be.
Trying to prove something to someone? Maybe myself? I really don’t know.”
She’s @AmyMommaerts on Twitter.
Item! It’s that time again!
Twice a year Selma and I teach a class that doesn’t cost anything.
It’s called the Habits Detective teleclass and we cover some aspect of the whole “working on your stuff” process and learn Useful Things.
I don’t sell anything, I don’t promote anything. It’s just a place to learn.
The next one is Tuesday, July 21st. That’s next week.
We usually get a couple hundred people. You have to sign up in advance to get the number and you’ll get a link to the recording when it’s ready.
Sign-up page is here if you’re interested.
Item! Comments!
So it was really cool last week when I got to work on my practice of how I ask for stuff and you guys gave me the best reading recommendations ever!
So I’m going to try it again!
Here’s what I want:
- Things you’re thinking about.
- Blogs you’re enjoying that you think I might like.
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.
That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday. See you tomorrow.
Rome. Success. Secrets. And a timeline.
A while back I made the sweeping editorial decision that I wasn’t going to write one of those “debunking the myth of overnight success” posts.
I just didn’t feel like adding anything to the whole Rome wasn’t built in a day thing, which is well-covered ground. And has plenty of bright, articulate people doing the covering.*
*If you do want some good stuff on this, start with Seth Godin, who says that it takes three years to be an overnight success, sometimes more. and that we should be patient.
But Rome also wasn’t built in a week…
Right.
So this weekend while I was teaching in San Francisco, the big thing for a lot of people I talked to seemed to be some variation on “No, really. What’s your secret?”
And not even any of my interesting secrets.**
**Like my secret to not having to buy shampoo. I just use my gentleman friend’s coffee grounds. There. No longer a secret.
No, they really just wanted to know what I did to become …
… an overnight success.
And then Sarah J. Bray who is an absolutely lovely person (and you all should be hanging out with her online), wrote a really interesting, thoughtful, astonishingly-well-researched*** piece about my … overnight success.
Well, not about the overnight-ness of it in a literal sense, but she did dedicate an entire post to reverse engineering the success story of this blog and figuring out how it happened.
***It kind of sounds like she may have read all three hundred and twelve of my posts, which is pretty hard-core. Wow. She totally gets the Fluent Self medal of perseverance.
So here is a short history of my overnight success.
And yeah, when I say “overnight success”, I’m referring to the overnight success that happened agonizingly slowly …
… over the course of the last four years.
March 2005
I’m living in a semi-abandoned not-exactly-a-squat place in East Berlin, teaching yoga and Dance of Shiva, and stepping gingerly over the junkies on the stairs.
I’ve started working on a genius system of working-on-your-stuff.
I’ve started sneaking bits of it into my yoga classes … but am mostly just furiously writing about it. And I decide that my system needs a name.
The name I come up with is an embarrassingly stupid one that I am also inordinately proud of… and I’ll only say that while Sonia Simone‘s hysterically funny guess of Soul Womb is off-target, it isn’t as nearly as off-target as one would like.
August 2005
In a bizarre and miraculous turn of events which I have already documented, I come up with the name The Fluent Self just hours before the website needs to go live.
Yes, this website — the one you’re looking at right now.
Because I’m pretty much the only, uh, “internet famous” person I know who doesn’t get a website design overhaul once a year.
September 2005
I teach a number of Fluent Self intensive workshops in Berlin. Three hours on how to use various wacky mind-body techniques (mostly mine) to change your patterns and habits.
Only a few people sign up,
But I’m doing it. And I’m excited.
December 2005
I move to San Francisco with a small suitcase and a sum of money that is so low that I don’t even want to tell you what it is.
The first edition of the Fluent Self noozletter (except that then it was still more of a “newsletter”) goes out to a grand total of five people.
June 2006
By this point I’ve been teaching classes pretty regularly all over the Bay Area. Classes on dissolving procrastination seem to be the biggest hit, as I learn the hard way.
I make some good connections.
By this point there are a hundred people who read my noozletter.
And I’ve thrown myself madly into studying everything related to business.
I take every single class the SBA has to offer. I read books ravenously. I drool over online courses and ebooks — but can’t afford them, so I keep up with the self-study.
Wherever there is free-ish information online, I absorb it, analyze it, categorize it and try to figure out if and how I can apply it to my thing, whatever that is.
June 2007
I do the smartest thing I’ve done so far — I start taking online courses.
It turns out that courses are where you meet people.
And then those people tell other people about you.
I’m still working on figuring out how to explain what I do and why it’s important, but I have clients. My workshops are doing well.
And I create my first product: Emergency Calming Techniques. And sell three copies. Whoo!
September 2007
Oh, thank goodness for the long tail. Sigh of relief.
Turns out that having products so that people don’t have to actually hire you frees up a lot of time and energy. And lets you help more of your Right People.
Rock. On.
March 2008
I get on Twitter.
All of a sudden introvert-me can hang out with pretty much whoever she wants and be a total goofball. Fun!
It turns out I like having fun way more than I like doing business-ey stuff. And it turns out that having fun is also way more effective than doing business-ey stuff.
I decide that I am going to officially give up “marketing” in favor of hanging out. Which is kind of what I was leaning towards anyway.
June 2008
My Twitter friends come and hang out with me here. More fun!
And, unlike most bloggers who are trying to figure out how to make money from blogging without a “god, you’re such a sell-out” backlash from their readers, it’s relatively smooth sailing.
That’s because I already had several products, long-term programs and an established coaching practice long before there was a blog.
So the fact that yes, you could theoretically buy things here if you wanted to was never a surprise.
July 2008
After much agonizing, I dump the noozletter.
I lose a thousand subscribers and there are a lot of people being mad at me in my inbox, but hey, I don’t have to write the noozletter anymore.
Anyway, this turns out to be the right decision for me — thanks to the magic of Twitter and the draw of the duck, pretty soon there are a few thousand more blog subscribers.
Life gets much better.
January 2009
I go on email sabbatical.
The joy!
July 2009
Hi.
So yeah. We’re here. And this blog is now kind of a second home for all sorts of interesting people.
Also, this blog pays the rent for three people and a duck.
I get to write about pretty much whatever I feel like, and — shockingly — none of my Right People seem to mind. I still work on mindfully biggifying, and at this point I’m willing to take my time with it.
Because, you know, overnight success wasn’t built overnight.
Thank yous and such.
To Sarah J. Bray (she’s @sarahjbray on Twitter) for making me stop and reflect on what happened behind the scenes.
To everyone who reads this blog and thinks about the stuff I write about.
To Selma, the best (and squeakiest!) business partner in the world.
To my gentleman friend for putting up with and believing in me when I was 100% convinced that no one would ever, ever care about the stuff I teach. And for promising that no matter what happened, I would never have to go back to bartending.
To you. Yay. You. I like you.
Comment Zen.
We’ve all got our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. And of course we don’t judge each other for having stuff.
Also, we generally try to respond to each other with as much compassion and respect as we can stand. Mensch-like: it’s how we roll.
Very Personal Ads #2: Ruby slippers, hedges and the Nataraj.
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do this thing.
Thing 1: Shoes for swing dancing.
Here’s what I want:
You don’t hurt my feet.
You are easy to find.
I can depend on you.
You are beautiful (and also easy to clean).
We can cut a rug like nobody’s business.
Here’s how I want it to come to me:
Someone could leave a recommendation here.
I could discover you on Twitter.
A surprise.
My commitment.
I am going to spend more time with Dancer Me instead of hiding her away in the past and in memory.
Thing 2: Less hedging.
Here’s what I want:
To get better at saying the thing I want to say without prefacing it with a bunch of disclaimers. Also known as the Hedge.
This is something I inherited from my mother and it’s also a concept that I learned about from the amazing Suzette Haden Elgin, whom I mention here pretty much all the time.
“The primary function of the Hedge is to steal the listener’s response by predicting it and announcing the prediction …. ‘I know this is a silly thing to say, but I’m afraid of plums.'”
I want to be more brave in my communication and not do quite so much of the whole “I know this is an insane thing to say but” thing.
Here’s how I want to get it:
I’m not willing to have people call me on this, because I’m already really self-conscious about it, and I can’t see how that would work without me feeling guilty and defensive at some point.
I do want more conscious awareness around it … and maybe a compassionate reminder that this is something I’m working on.
Ways this could come to me:
I don’t know.
My commitment.
I am ready to have a more conscious, intentional relationship with language.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads and what’s going on with them.
So if you remember, last week I asked for help spending more time in my Angel Refueling Station.
And I was also feeling very anxious about this big upcoming thing that I was doing in my business. Very. Stucknesses!
Here’s what happened. It’s kind of screwed up, but it’s also kind of awesome. And when I say “kind of”, I mean extremely.
I took my anxious, worried thing to the Angel Refueling Station.
Yes, I used one thing I was working on to help destuckify another thing I was working on. I know!
And the weirdest thing happened.
So the theme of my meditation was, of course, this stuck anxiety thing. And I asked to be shown what my fear of success looked like and what it needed.
The first thing I saw was this giant rock. Absolutely massive. On its back on the ground.
And I realized that it was the base of a statue. No, it was the statue. It just hadn’t been made yet. It was being worked on.
So more like a sculpture in progress. And this particular rock was known to be hard to work with and so it was taking a lot of time to come into its form.
That was my fear.
The fear of my own potential. The fear of me doing something with it. And then just as much fear that I won’t.
I asked what needed to happen… and the gigantic rock split in two. Right down the middle.
And then? Are you ready for this?
Okay. Little furry creatures begin spilling out of the belly of the rock. Mice.
Hundreds of them.
With tiny teeth and claws and incredible energy, they go straight to work on the rock. Carving the structure from both the inside and the outside.
It takes a few more surreptitious pokes and increasingly non-subtle head whacks from my subconscious for me to get it, but I finally realize that these are helper mice.
They’re my helpers.
They seal the two halves back together. They wheel the statue around. They get it upright.
Once I see the statue, I know exactly what it is and what it means.
It’s the Nataraj.
It’s the statue of dancing Shiva.
And I am standing on its base. And the mice are somehow effortlessly moving it around until it can take off on its own momentum and its own power.
And it is carrying me.
I don’t have more results than that, but it’s still pretty awesome.
The big promotion did not do nearly as well as I had hoped.
I didn’t follow most of my own rules about those things and I also (ow, the irony!) didn’t take any of the advice that I would have given someone else who was doing something similar.
But for me the big thing is that I managed to do a ton of shifting with my stucknesses that are related to my work bringing Dance of Shiva into the world.
And I was weirdly patient. And I treated the whole thing like the learning experience that it is and didn’t let not getting the hoped-for results trigger my “what’s the point” narrative.
So those are the gifts I’m taking from the Angel Refueling Station. And they’re big ones.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂
Here’s what I want:
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for.
- Thoughts or ideas about ways any of the personal ads listed here could come true.
What I would rather not have:
- Reality theories.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird. I’m committing to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Thanks for doing this with me! You guys rock. I say that every time, but it’s true.
Friday Check-in #49: the “off to San Francisco!” edition
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Selma and I are actually in San Francisco right now so this is the miracle of pre-posting.
Whoo! Pre-posting. It makes me happy.
But yeah, it was quite a week.
And I’ve been doing a lot of general mulling over while remembering everything that’s been going on for me.
The hard stuff
Too many freaking things to do.
My Pirate Queen Action Items List is so long it actually makes me want to throw up looking at it.
No, I do not understand how it is that I have THREE assistants and still there are so many things that are on my list?
Maybe it’s that I haven’t figured out yet how to teach other people to do them. Or maybe it’s more that I don’t have time to teach them while I’m completely overwhelmed by the sheer size of the list.
I don’t know. But there was a lot of hard this week around that.
And I focused a lot of my time on just healing the ick and doing techniques to calm down. Blech.
The fireworks.
I already wrote about this.
But having my post-traumatic stress stuff come up again was not fun.
What’s the opposite of writer’s block called?
There is so much that I want to be writing about all at once that it forms this sort of weird paralysis.
I find myself resenting the time that’s designated for non-writing things.
And then when I do sit down to write, it’s with too many frenetic ideas floating around and begging for a piece of my attention.
Something to work on.
But not today.
I want some good stuff! Oh, right. Here we are. The good stuff.
The good stuff
As ladyfriends go, I am pretty much the best ever.
Executing the super-complicated Mission Ridiculously Complicated Birthday Surprise for my gentleman friend was not easy.
Well, mostly it was not easy to keep my mouth shut and not tell him what was happening.
I’d arranged a four day trip for the two of us to his favorite city, a four-star hotel, transportation, brunch plans with various friends of his … and oh, various other little sneaky surprises.
All of which I’ve been dying to be able to talk to him about since I’m not used to having something that we’re not talking about.
And then there were all the various loose cannons — his various friends in San Francisco that I had sworn to secrecy.
And our friends here who knew (I’m pretty sure the Spicy Princess was totally kicking Ranch Boy under the table when we had dinner at their place).
Anyway, it was agonizing. But so completely worth it to see his elated and astonished grin when Selma and I handed him his birthday envelope with a goofy deck of itinerary cards inside.
I learned something.
This is actually from a couple weeks ago, but the realization has been really helpful for me this week.
I was doing Cairene’s brilliant Bite the Candy thing which is all about doing the stuff on your to-do list that never actually gets done.
So I had four things that I wanted to give attention to, and one of them I kept thinking of as “the fun one”, so I saved that one for last.
And when I did it, I learned that hey, it wasn’t really fun at all.
Which was really useful. Because I was able to stop and say:
“Oh! Oh oh oh oh oh! THAT’s why I was avoiding it.”
Of course I had been thinking of it as the fun one because it was on a list of ew.
But it was really hard! And realizing that gave me permission to stop giving myself crap for avoiding the “fun” one.
People are awesome.
Every once in a while something bizarre happens that costs me money.
For example, someone’s house gets broken into and their Shiva Nata DVD gets stolen.
This has actually happened more than a couple times, which kind of makes you want to shake your head at humanity in general. But I figure that some loss is just the price of doing business.
So I have a very “oh well, what are you gonna do” attitude about that kind of loss. We ship another one, it gets marked in the books and then I forget about it.
But this one woman in the Netherlands? She got insurance money. And then she paypalled me 20 Euro as a thank you.
Isn’t that the sweetest thing ever?
Also, in a weird way it kind of makes me happy to imagine the person who stole her DVD actually using it, becoming a Shivanaut and changing his own patterns through the practice.
Shiva-Nata-inspired moments of bing!
Speaking of Shivanauts and the insanely weird Dance of Shiva, I have been getting the most brain-blowingly awesome insights all week.
Dancing up a storm. And writing down the things that come up afterwards.
And it’s out of control.
Swing!
My gentleman friend and I have been learning swing dancing. And now that we can do four different turns without falling on our faces, we can rock out in the living room while listening to Elvis.
And that is pure bliss.
And … new at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I like make up ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week it’s:
My Right Arm For A Pepsi*
It’s just one guy.
*Second runner up: Barton Finkelstein and the Elephants. Also a guy. No elephants.
And … STUISMS of the week.
Stu is my paranoid McCarthy-ist voice-to-text software who delights in torturing me misunderstanding me. I can’t stand him.
My favorite was:
And the Giants rock!
That was instead of what it was supposed to be which was “and the giant rock“. But since I madly adore the San Francisco Giants, I was pretty excited that Stu finally got something right.
My second favorite was It’s that Nutter Irish instead of “It’s the Nataraj”.
(Yes, I know … and his second guess for Nataraj was not trashy, to which I say: ?!?!?!?!)
Anyway, the gems from this week:
- Friday Czech and instead of “Friday Chicken”
- That’s a heart, Inuit? instead of “That’s hard, isn’t it?
- folks and head wax instead of “pokes and head whacks”
- They steal the two hogs back together instead of “they seal the two halves back together”
- after Leslie instead of “effortlessly”
- here is termite brain instead of “erased from my brain”
- Ha ha Ha ha ha. No picket. instead of “Hahahahaha. No.”
- the sell you an arc is going to ash instead of “the cellular network is going to crash”
- no unbiased instead of “no one buys”
- So pick a Grammy instead of “So big hug from me”
- from Psalm A instead of “from Selma”
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
“No one is interested in my thing.”
This is something that’s been coming up lately in my Kitchen Table forum, and I’ve been seeing it in various other online places as well.
Someone launches a thing.
You know, a mailing list or a class or a program or a product.
And nothing happens.
No one signs up. No one buys. No one responds.
Here’s the fascinating part.
There is a huge leap that just about everyone makes from “no one has responded” all the way to “no one is interested”.
And man, I have a lot to say about this.
First the comfort.*
*Only if you want it, of course. If you’re not into the comfort thing, go ahead and skip to the next bit. 🙂
Oh, you poor sweet thing.
Ugh. Yuck. Miserable. No fun at all.
You must be feeling so frustrated and upset, because you need to know that you’re supported, and that all the hard work you’ve put into this wasn’t in vain.
So big hug from me. And a sympathetic look from Selma.
And recognition that you did something that can feel scary and vulnerable, and that you didn’t get what you wanted from it. Because that sucks. And I’m sorry you had to experience that.
Then the reality check.
You actually don’t know yet.
You don’t know that no one is interested in your thing because you can’t know.
There is not nearly enough evidence to justify that kind of conclusion yet.
And anyway, we already know that conclusions are often astonishingly ridiculous … and jumping to them? Even more so.
There can be all sorts of legitimate reasons for why no one’s going for it yet. Reasons that do not have a thing to do with whether or not people are interested.
So there are three questions (at least) that we absolutely have to be able to answer… and then we can figure out where to go from there.
Important Question #1: how many people saw the thing you offered?
Because you know what?
There’s a pretty big difference between a situation where three hundred people saw your thing but didn’t go for it and a situation where only two people did.
So the first thing you need to find out, is how many people actually got to the right page on your website.
Or saw the sale at your Etsy shop. Or read your blog post. Or received the invitation — or whatever.
For example, if you send out an email noozletter announcing your thing to your hundred and fifty subscribers and not one of them clicked through to your website… that’s hardly proof that no one is interested.
It’s possible, yes. Theoretically.
But it’s much more likely that it’s one of these things:
- Your link didn’t work. People tried to click on it and it didn’t take them anywhere.
- It wasn’t obvious that it was a link. Maybe you linked one word in the middle of ten paragraphs and people missed it. They’re busy. They’re reading fast. Understandable.
- There wasn’t a clear reason why someone should click that link. It was just a “hey, check this out if you feel like it at some point, though god knows why you’d want to” kind of thing.
And there are a bunch of other reasons I can think of, but in the interest of avoiding the longest post in the history of blogging, let’s just say this:
Before you can decide that people aren’t interested in the thing, you have to have gotten them to the place where they can say yes to it.
Important Question #2: did you answer their unasked questions?
- Is it going to work?
- What if I don’t like it?
- How long does each class last?
- What if I’m not ready?
- Is the shipping going to be really expensive?
- What are the other people going to be like?
- What about the wild animals?*
* If this makes no sense, read Mark’s wonderful post where someone actually asked, “Are there wild animals that will attack me?” and it was a perfectly legitimate, reasonable question.
We all want to know things. Because we’re curious. And scared. And hopeful.
And we need reassurance and safety.
But we tend to not like having to ask about the things we want to know, so you’re going to have to answer our questions for us before we can say yes to your thing.
Even if we are mostly ready to say yes to it.
Important Question #3: did you allow enough time?
One of my students recently announced a six week course she was going to teach… two weeks before it started.
It was her first class ever. And she was absolutely devastated when no one signed up.
After the designated grumblebug kvetch session and the commiserating, I pointed out that when I first started announcing programs four years ago, it would take me ridiculous amounts of time to fill them.
I learned to allow months for getting the word out. And even then I sometimes ended up teaching classes that had three people in them.
Now, finally, astonishingly, it’s gotten to the point where I can completely fill a class in a day or two. But that’s crazy. Not the norm.
The norm is that you want to give your Right People (and yourself) at least a couple months to get used to the idea that a course is coming …
That way, you have more time to figure out what works and what doesn’t.
And more time to plant gentle reminders. To answer more questions. To work on your own stucknesses as they come up. Stuff like that.
I know. This is a lot to work on.
And that’s kind of my point.
There is just so much to do and learn and work on before you can legitimately say that no one is interested.
Which means that when you find yourself leaning towards the “no one is interested in my thing” explanation first, that’s a clue that your stuff is coming up.
So there are two things you’ll need to focus on.
You’ll want to be consciously, actively working-on-your-stuff so you can start to destuckify your own issues around biggification. What I call working “in the soft”.
And at the same time, you want to keep using practical, measured techniques “in the hard” for the actual getting-people-to-say-yes part. You know, the M-word.
Useful resources.
- Mark’s post about numbers (how many people you need to reach) is very helpful.
- The M word. “Marketing” and other vomit-ey stuff.
- My “give me back my comfort zone!” rant.
- Mark’s post again on the 7 Necessaries for Filling a Course
One last thought.
All these techniques — all this non-sleazy “marketing”-ey work and biggification stuff?
It’s just the means to an end. It’s not the end itself.
The point of learning how to do non-gross “get the word out” work is to help you get to the place where you don’t have to do it anymore.
To get to the point where you don’t have to do it anymore.
At this point in my business, I don’t really spend time or energy on the m-word. I don’t write promotional emails and sales pages. I don’t even have a noozletter. I don’t launch stuff.
At most I announce it casually once in a while here or on Twitter.
So you take the time to learn techniques “in the hard”, and you work on your stuff “in the soft”, so that you can do the thing and help your Right People say yes to it.
But once those structures are in place, you can turn your attention back to working on yourself for its own sake instead of working on yourself to work on your business. Does that make sense?
That idea probably needs its own post, but I’m just going to stop here for now.
Comments …
So I’ve been practicing asking for what I need. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of my experiment .
Here’s what I want:
- Stuff you’re working on biggifying.
- Stuff you’re thinking about in connection to these themes and concepts.
What I would rather not have:
- A lecture about how business is evil and promoting things is evil and no one should ever do it. If that’s your life philosophy, that’s fine — it’s just not helpful for the space I’m trying to create here.
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Even though asking for what I want is still weirdly uncomfortable for me, I’m practicing!
Thanks.