Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.

So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.

And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!

There were some pretty fantastic personal ads in the comments of last week’s post. So I hope people will update on their stories too.

I’m in Taos at the Writer’s Retreat with the super-wonderful Jennifer Genius-Mouse Louden.

But that’s not going to keep me from throwing personal ads out there like there’s no tomorrow! Oh, the joys of pre-posting.*

* It’s kind of embarrassing actually how I can’t stop posting about how much I love pre-posting but there you have it.

Yallah. Let’s do this thing.

Thing 1: mad help with my baby book!

Here’s what I want:

To make crazy progress this week on my almost-completed Shivanaut Manual.

I had a mini-crisis around this a while back and now I’ve done the work and am ready to commit again.

But I would really, really love to have a more-finalized final draft by the time I’m back from my week of Writer’s Retreat. (Yes, I know I’m supposed to be teaching there, but I also plan to get some writing and retreating in too!)

Here’s how this could work:

I will Shiva-it-up and get in the zone.

Wonderful people will help me.

My students will remind me that this book doesn’t have to answer every single question they have. It doesn’t have to be the be-all and end-all of everything. It’s just a manual.

And, at the same time, it’s special.

My book will talk to me. It will whisper sweet nothings in my ear. It will appreciate me when I’m spending time with it, and be understanding when I can’t.

It will allow all the old hurt feelings between us to drain into the earth.

My commitment.

Oh, my sweet book. I will give you my love and my attention.

I will notice when my stuff comes up and I will ask for help when I need it.

I will keep practicing and dancing up a storm and working on my stuff.

And I will appreciate the hot, buttered epiphanies that the Dance of Shiva practice hurls at me instead of just whining about how much it sucks to learn such weird, deep stuff about my issues.

I will tell my story.

Thing 2: A memorial please.

Here’s what I want:

I want to know when my friend who is dead actually died.

No one seems to know. And it’s kind of driving me crazy.

Yes, I know he is gone gone gone … still gone … and still I want to have a day for him.

Not just International Borekas and Repression day. I want a day.

I even tried to plan my trip back to Tel Aviv to coincide with the time (because there is kind of a ritual of going to the grave for the “day of the year” which is like a memorial).

And no one knew. I only found out about my friend from my ex, who is notoriously incapable of knowing what month it is now, never mind when something in the past happened.

I talked to the best friend of my ex, who used to play harmonica in a band with my friend who is dead … and he said it was in the fall, but more than that he didn’t know.

But but but, you say, that post when you found out and then when you wrote your hurting bits of wisdom … wasn’t that in July?

Yes. Some of my friends got together and decided I had to be told in person. Which was stupid. And we were all going back and forth between Israel and Germany and the States. And it took a while.

In the meantime? I just want one day.

Here’s how I want to get this:

Someone could remember. Or find out. And tell me.

Maybe Adi (the best friend of my ex) was able to finally get through to the sister of my friend who is dead.

Or … I could just suddenly know.

The way I knew with utter certainty exactly what had happened — in the moment when I heard that my friend had killed himself, I knew.

Even though I never would have guessed that he would do something like that.

I mean, if you had told me that one of my friends in Israel had committed suicide? I honestly would have guessed every single person I knew before thinking it was him.

The qualities that I associate with him are things like … joyfulness. And laughter. The kind of spark you really only get from genuinely participating and being present in being alive.

But the moment my ex told me he had killed himself, I knew without asking exactly how and exactly where.

I even knew the song that was playing while he died. It was like I just tuned into it and the information was right there.

So maybe I will also remember the when?

My commitment.

I will love this day.

I will eat borekas and listen to Cake and dance around the room. Not all at once, though.

My hope of course is that if I have one day to fall apart completely with my loss and grief and pain that maybe it won’t have to be such a big part of my day-to-day.

But either way, I will be glad for this day.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads and what’s going on with them.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Not only did we fill the weirdly-opened spot in my North Carolina workshop, we filled it with someone whose fabulousness is well-documented.

Actually, I love her.

So that was cool and exciting and weird. And while it does suck to have to say to other people, “sorry, someone kind of beat you to it”, it’s also really fun to have lots of neat people want to go to your workshop.

With the tech wizard request, we have been doing some interviews and seem to be clear on who we want to work with.

So thanks, everyone and thanks, magic-internets and thanks, weird-ass power of asking for stuff out loud. Triple-whee for that.

Comments. Since I’m already asking …

I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂

Here’s what I want:

• Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for.
• Thoughts or ideas about ways any of the personal ads listed here could come true.

What I would rather not have:

• Reality theories.
• Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
• To be judged or psychoanalyzed.

My commitment.

I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird. I’m committing to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.

Thanks for doing this with me! You guys rock. I say that every time, but still true.