Content note!

Aka a loving reminder to read this with a steady force field…

an apple

My uncle sent me off to motorcycle school,
tucking a shiny red apple into the top of
my motorcycle boot,
I found it when I woke up
and felt loved and cherished and supported

instead

It is so good that my life is now populated by
the kind of people who don’t say any of
the things my monsters say
for example
he could have said
[THIS IS SO DANGEROUS] or
[WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ARE YOU SURE ARE YOU SURE] or
[BUT WAIT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL/DIVERGENT BRAIN]
and instead he said [apple]

translations

I translated the apple to mean
I love you and want your life to be full of joy!
as well as related things like
hey you’re going off to school!
and: nourishment and sweetness for you!

I quit motorcycle school after the first twelve minutes of the second day

The first day was excruciating for my special brain in a very particular way*,
but day two was when it all fell apart

I have HSP superpowers and sensory processing superpowers
and possibly also some Michael Scofield superpowers**
and I take in oh a hundred times more
information and input from the world than most people,
and can get very overwhelmed very quickly
especially when I need to do physical things

(and I vehemently reject the word “disorder”)
(because I am not disordered)
(there is nothing wrong with me)

but these do make motorcycle school a challenge

(more whispered parenthetical asides)

(What if the thing that is actually disordered
is not us but our culture and its
total lack of understanding or curiosity
vis a vis the magical unicorn spectrum!)

(What if we could all find more appreciation for neurodivergence,
and build a new culture that celebrates it!)

(What if I am in fact a wild witchy wonder with superpowers, how magnificent!)

out

So of course, as the monsters keep reminding me,
as pretty much anyone could have predicted,
not only can I not handle an eight hour day of sensory input
(and people and their energy and being observed),
but of course the actual motorcycle riding part of the training was
too overwhelming and fast-paced for a Havi, I was slowing everything down,
the instructors were impatient with how slow I was
even basic shit like figuring out how to turn the bike on,
I could not keep up

And I noticed I was disassociating
which seems like probably not the best for operating a vehicle
so I left

wise me in the wings

I knew, even in the moment of leaving,
somewhere deep in my body-mind,
that this was a good choice for a Havi,
because Wise Me is full of compassion and truth, she knows
that exiting the training is truly the embodiment of
my life goal of extreme self-treasuring,
and anyway the point of this mission was not to achieve anything but to
[be brave and show up and try and learn how I need to learn],
and hey now I can set up my own training at my own pace,
and re-take the course later
when I feel ready
but

but

But the Loud Monstrance of self-recrimination was too noisy,
and I could not access Wise Me,
even as I could feel her love,
the monsters were too many, and everything they had to say
seemed extremely reasonable in the moment,
do you want to hear what they said?

[here is some of what the monsters said!]

ugh you are so bad at life AND
you just wasted hundreds of dollars AND
you set back feminism by two hundred years by being the woman who quits without even trying AND
the faraway cowboy was so excited for you and now he won’t love you AND
ugh the shame of having told people you were getting your endorsement AND
now everyone thinks you’re scared of riding when really you just hate being slow,
why do we process so slowly and lose our grounding so fast,
yes, you are bad at life in a basic way that is just insurmountable
and you will never get to learn exciting new things because it costs
so much more time and money just to be you and to
make any learning experience accessible
so what’s the point

Consider the Joy Factor

A favorite yoga person named Brie often says
about the pose we are in, when considering variations of it or
if we want to do it at all…

Consider The Joy Factor

my joy for motorcycles and for new skills is high
but my joy factor in
that particular training was in the negative thousands,
so if the yoga of life is, as I believe it to be,
practicing kindness, awareness, non-violence and self-cherishing
through [remember to breathe] and [consider the joy factor],
well, yeah, let’s consider the joy factor here
and maybe I can stop judging myself for having made/received
a Safety First choice based on that

to the labyrinth

I exited the training and didn’t know what to do
to get back inside of my body
but then I remembered the Book of How A Havi Works
and the useful guideline of
{BREAKFAST MAKES THINGS BETTER!}
so I did that, which helped a lot, and then to the labyrinth
which I walked three times,
asking it to show me what to do with all this
shame-regret and self-recrimination
and of course it said many wise things
as labyrinths do

here is what the labyrinth told me

Round one: YOUR MAGNIFICENCE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD, so do not discount it, and also please remember that treasuring your pace is self-treasuring

Round two: Hey listen, how you are as a human is okay, and your okayness is in no way changed by this experience, and guess what, you are allowed to want what you want (in love, in motorcycles, and in all things)

Round three was a doozy, as it always is, and it said this:

THERE IS A STEADINESS THAT IS YOURS
it is your inheritance as a human, it belongs to you,
but to claim it you must HONOR YOUR BOUNDARIES
(so much more than you do now),
and set clear expectations of what you need,
as early as possible
(and much earlier than you think)

architecture

My friend said to me,
I’m glad there is so much good architecture in your unconscious,
and she said this in response to a dream I had about spare rooms,
but I’m pretty sure she meant this in other ways as well

I too am glad for all this good architecture
in my unconscious
and for the rhythms that live inside me
in my pulse, heartbeat, breath, all of it,
and for the immense good fortune of having found such wise friends

speaking of wise friends

I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through that day, when I left the training in tears, and the faraway cowboy was nowhere to be found, for days, and I could not find Wise Me either, and it was so painful…

So I feel especially thankful not only for my good internal architecture, but for my wise and loving friends who texted their support when I felt so lost and alone, let’s breathe in their wisdom and love again!

WISDOM from my wise friends

Agent Emdee: UNDILUTED LOVE. And headspace protection from BS of all forms (community college classroom, cultural crap, the noise of everything). Welcome to the club of “I tried that and quit after fifteen minutes”, it’s a big club and I know you’ll like all the people in it. And the biggest trophy for listening to your body’s wisdom, it said no, and that is that. You will later learn why. And even though right now it might feel like it’s about motorcycles, it’s not. Your body gave you a major, solid piece of no information and you followed it, and I admire that.

Lucky Lola: Agent, you are so brave and badass fierce for recognizing your NO in that moment and acting on it. Building new pathways for action requires time and clues. Riding a motorcycle requires balance, which you have in such abundance. It is normal to give yourself time to integrate a new balance between you and machine. So much love!

Lady K of Jewels: I’m glad you’re so psychic so you can feel all the love and amazed at your ability to have your own back and not get swept into expectations. It’s revolutionary. Good on you for taking your own side enough to act on your realization. Also, you could never set feminism back. Asserting that there are multiple ways of showing up in the world and in learning situations is the MOST feminist action you could take.

Sailor L: You did an amazing thing! You got out of a place that wasn’t right. Leaving and not putting up with that culture is next level feminism, it’s so important to be able to say, nope, this doesn’t work with my boundaries, bye.

B of Bliss: Most people don’t even try to do things that rattle them, so we don’t see them crash and burn (you like bad puns, right?) which makes it even more spectacular when we do. And you are really smart and good at lots of things, which makes it harder (for the monsters) when you happen to struggle with something.

Agent Sloan: Ohyesyesyes leaving was clearly a good move. And also motorcycles will still be there, so all is well.

Star Ally: You challenge yourself with really hard new things! And once you figure things out you are so good at them, so there must be something really great about how you learn, even if initially frustrating in how it differs.

What is my real wish around motorcycles?

To feel wild and alive and powerful and free,
what beautiful wishes!

Report from the water

Past-me was so smart and set up float tank time for both before and after
the training (before for calm, after for ease of integration)

And since water talks to me,
because I am witchy and sensitive and I brain differently,
and, possibly more importantly, I listen differently,
I can tell you what the water told me….

I came to the water with a Wish and a clear Intention

To learn in my body-mind how to be more of a badass,
and to believe-and-remember:

I am such a badass
Motorcycles are intuitive and fun for me
MY GLOW POWER IS EXCEPTIONAL!
I AM AT HOME IN MY POWER!
My boundaries are stellar

(I trust my wise instincts completely)
(I am able to see how I did the right thing)
(I am treasure and now I know how to better treasure myself)

Wisdom received from the water, round one

Crown is not something you earn,
it is something you remember and adjust.

Your boundaries are sacred.
You don’t earn these either, it just is.

This is something you get better at over time,
acting like nothing is ever as valuable as your boundaries.

Badass is innate, not a thing you get a license for.
You just remember that you are X, it’s not about training for X.
Or, you train in X through remembering that you are X.

You are TOUGH, FIERCE AND WILD already, it is your embodied nature.
All you have to do is remind yourself.

Wisdom from the water, round two

I made of love and actually
EVERYTHING IS MADE OF LOVE,
so my only job is to — TRUST LOVE MORE (YES) —
to feel love and treasure myself unconditionally,
writing on my body to tell it how exquisite it is,
and love my beautiful neurodivergent brain (I AM A WONDER)

Fires, again, and trusting love more

The cowboy of the clan of Lovemore eventually came back and tried to casually toss some
sweetness logs on a fire that was no longer there,
and I was like, buddy how do you not even realize you’re just
putting pieces of wood on the ground
where a circle of stones happens to be
that is not even how fires work
and maybe you were avoiding the sputtering embers but
the thing to remember with this fire
is not that it might burn your house down if you forget it
but that it might not be there to come back to,
and then I wanted to cry but I just felt nothing for a long time

I don’t want to feel [nothing]
I want to trust love more
I want a love that celebrates me
and I really want to stop caring about how other people love me
and be present with my heart,
awake to my own magnificence

What are my wishes?

If it is mine, it returns to me,
not attached to results,
I am here to treasure myself and my beautiful brain,
at home in my own fieriness,
and in my waters,
in my commotion and in my quiet

May it be Plentiful.

Guess what the superpower of the month of May is
as determined aka received by past me last September

{{{{{{BOUNDLESS JOY!}}}}}

The fact that I forgot-and-rediscovered this while writing
this post on the topic of Consider The Joy Factor
well, that is pretty great

Wait, an aside

Honestly you guys it feels surreal to be writing about Plenty (or about anything) while grieving what happened today in the House of Representatives when they voted to screw over the American people and deny us health coverage.

As you may be aware, things in the United States have taken a turn for the authoritarian, with fun new developments like a woman facing a year in prison for having briefly cough-laughed at the Jeff Sessions confirmation hearing, and now this “healthcare” bill that, if passed by the Senate, will deny coverage to millions of citizens based on absurd pre-existing conditions (for example, sexual assault will be a pre-existing condition, so no woman will ever report assault because then we can’t actually get medical treatment, and if you’ve ever been sexually assaulted aka if you are a woman and alive, you may be less inclined to share information which could help other women), and this new system will disproportionately harm native women, people of color, trans people, people with disabilities. Oh and hey, police are still killing black children, with zero consequences, while a known and admitted sex offender and his fascist buddies are in the oval office figuring out how speedily can they destroy the planet in a “get rich quick then kill everyone scheme”, so yeah, things are not great and I cry every time I call my representatives.

And, at the same time…

And, at the same time, now more than ever,
it is time to focus on what is plentiful
breath, tears, purposeful rage, love that comes from within me for me,
fierce self-treasuring
standing up for what I believe in, ready to fight
in May, the month of Plenty
so let’s breathe
and breathe and breathe some more,
and take care of ourselves so we can do what is needed

May the month of Plenty

May the month of Plenty be Plentiful
May, the month of Plenty, may it be plentiful,
and may (may!) I remember that the thing which is plentiful is joy,
joy is what plenty is about,
and let there be plenty of this as well,
this remembering which is everything

{ANNOUNCEMENT!}

I am in the process of putting together a page for crowdfunding purposes aka solving a current scary dilemma, which is not the most fun for me, but I am trying to remember that this is also a way for people who read to express thank-you-and-love for my work in the world, as well as a way for me to express thank-you-and-love in return, in the form of some if not all of the cool things that I’m currently working on — which you can read about in the last post!

Anyway, if you’re on the list, you’ll get a note, and I will try to post about it soon too.

THANK YOU.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡

So many / how many

There are so many things I want to say here, too many,
so many that I can’t possibly say them or name them,
but: is this true?

What if we made an opening in time
a space in which to whisper and shout,
to name whatever wishes wish be named, for thirty three minutes,
with no guidelines and no expectations, other than
BE HERE (to the best of my ability)
BREATHE (to the best of my ability)
SPEAK TRUTH (to the best of my ability)
and, always, SAFETY FIRST, how can I make myself
as comfortable as possible
within the discomfort of
these other brave and quiet things,
what do I long to talk about and share words
(with you)

Some of the many things I want to write about!

• setting even more things on fire
• what I received from four years as someone who [seeks shelter from the world inside of non-verbal space]
• the most essential concepts from this body of work, the legacy of our past twelve years here
• my intense desire to dismantle the entire culture of expertise, let us be completely done with making anyone a guru of anything, burn it all to the ground, let us all learn how to approach each other as equals, cultivating the ability to access, hear, and value our own internal wisdom, learning what we wish to from others without ever needing to elevate them onto pedestals or knock them down, let’s undo the cultural idea that someone else has our answers, that someone else needs to be the guide
• I want to write about FLALALEELALOOLA which was secret code shorthand at my retreat center, and everyone knew what it meant which was, “I have so much love for you, and this question you are asking me is not actually mine to answer so this is me returning it to you with love and warmth”
• I want to write about Panthers and Serendipity and Slow Emerging, things that are luscious and unexpected and return me to presence and wildness
• naming words/concepts/metaphors which need to disappear forever from our collective state of mind, and letting new names and new forms come in
• wild self-treasuring and what it means to trust in timing — because when it is not the time for something, it is okay that it is still not the time for that thing
• returning to the water / returning everything to the water

Connection

Connection is about grounded presence and powerful boundaries,
just like writing and breathing and truth

Connection is vulnerable and beautiful and always new,
just like writing and breathing and truth

I knew this from dance, but I received it from
a long circuitous voyage into my own quietest places

Connection with other people asks of us to connect first
to ourselves, our bodies, our grounded presence, our clear intention,
this is how we show up as equals,
ready to play

Here is the short version of what I believe

No experts are required, and in fact expertise itself is bullshit
because the work (and play!) of self-fluency
is about how we listen to ourselves and discern, over time,
through paying attention and experimenting,
learning to trust what we already know,
becoming experts in our own internal worlds, in the art and science of
taking exquisite care of ourselves
in the ways that are most right for us in that moment
(because People Vary)

And slowly over time we also get better at feeling
what we need and want, as well as
who-and-how we are in the world,
meeting all of that with as much love and
compassionate understanding
as we can muster
in a given moment

Back to the fire

Let the fire consume the entire culture of expertise,
of advice and five steps and eight tips and
“once I was just like you” and all
the ongoing rigged game propaganda
that continuously encourages us turn to external sources
so that they may reveal the answers

When in fact someone else can only ever model or describe
their own path to their answers,
or an approach which currently works for them

And their answers do not have to be our answers,
at most someone else’s beautiful learning holds
clues and inspiration for us
and this is lovely and more than enough

As equals

Let us dismantle the entire culture of
[there are these people out there who have the answers],
and invent a new world together in which
it is so very clear that we are all equals
in this ongoing process of life, each of us figuring out
our own [right way for right now],
sharing ideas, concepts, experiments, techniques, discoveries, methodology,
but without grasping for something we think is outside of us,
and without giving anyone else our power
through imagining that they might be the ones
who have our answers

Looking out to look back in

Right now I am thinking about
what I want to write and create
and also what do I want to make that is
of most use — and joy! — to you guys,
something to support people in
playing with ideas and concepts without me,
delving into their own process and their own practice of self-fluency

And maybe I’ll just turn this into a survey and ask you
which of the following possible things that either exist or will exist soon
feel most yes for you
with the understanding that of course I will
still end up going with whatever feels right for me
(because this question may be directed towards you
but of course really it is for me)
(Flalaleelaloola, again, always!)

The list

1. The Collected Posts. Sixteen of my very favorite pieces of writing published here over the past years. They’ve been carefully edited and in some cases expanded upon, and are now an exceptionally beautiful ebook, with blank pages in between for taking notes or skipping stones or if you want to do your own writing and processing, because of course writing belongs to all of us.
2. The Book Of [Not-Advice] for Writing, aka so yes okay, this one still needs a title but as we already know, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ADVICE-GIVING SO THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT ADVICE, and also I HAVE NO INTEREST IN PERCEIVED EXPERTISE SO THIS IS NOT THAT EITHER, but more like, The Way I Think About The Process Of Writing Which Is Not The Way Anyone Else Needs To Think About Writing But Could Be Useful Or Inspiring Or Intriguing For People To Read About Without Thinking That The Way I Do Needs To Be The Way Because It Doesn’t. Or hey here is the approach I use with myself when I am writing things that want to be written, or here are wise things I know that that I would offer with love to past-me, or these are the reminders that wise-me gives hesitant-me when I am all in knots about writing. This one has not yet been written but I have a giant notebook full notes and so much to say about this, and the conscious self-fluent approach which is my legacy.
3. The Book of Salves, aka A Soothing of Salves. Those of you who have been around for a while remember that we used to invent a salve here each week, and these were extremely magical and reading them made everything better. I have curated a collection of my very favorites and rewritten them.
4. The Book of Superpowers is the same thing but for superpowers, this one need some editing but are close to being ready to come into the world.

Other wishes on my mind

Some wishes and intentions as I feel into the transition from this month of Serendipity into whatever comes next…

TFB (Total Fucking Badass), EMBODIED
SURPRISINGLY EASE-FILLED SOLUTIONS: I OPEN MY EYES AND THERE THEY ARE!
I AM MY WILD SELF / TRUE TO MY WILD HEART
YES I AM FIERY SO WATCH OUT WORLD
I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST (AND HONOR MY YES)
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MYSTERY!
STRIDING TOWARDS FREEDOM & SUSTAINABILITY
LIBERATION & DELIBERATION
FIERCE & FEARLESS
POWERFUL, STRIKING, CROWN ON, REGAL AF
YES I AM A PANTHER
PART THE SEAS FOR MY MAGNIFICENCE
MY FORCE FIELD IS A WONDER aka
{{{{{PRESENCE}}}}}}

Superpowers

And I call on the superpower of My Superpower Is Healing,
which is an excellent double-triple meaning.

Healing things is my superpower,
but/and/also: my superpower, whatever it may be,
is in the process of healing and becoming whole and revealing itself to me,
and also my superpower IS A HEALING for me, just by existing.

Current Secret Ops (of Wilding and Rewilding)

To be renamed at some future point….

• Panther Integration
• Goodbye To Ninety Percent Of The Things
• Acquire Motorcycle License?
• Dissolve The Ink
• Pay The Thing
• Climb A Pole
• What Does The Basement Need
• Run Away To South Dakota But Not Really
• But Really Mexico
• Replace A Ninja
• Retreaaaaaaaaat!
• Not Your Typical Bond Girl After All
• Smash The Patriarchy And Set Things On Fire

Invocation

May we all have the superpowers we need,
in the moment we need them,
or something even better,
and may we all find it easier to
notice what helps us take better care of ourselves and what doesn’t
as we go through this complicated thing of being alive
in these especially challenging times,
and I wish my wishes with love,
knowing-and-trusting that
the process of wishing wishes is a way we can
come together and glow love towards each other
and delight in everyone’s beautiful wishes!

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code. And yes, you are welcome to share excitement about any of these possible products which might be coming out soon, and if any in particular speak to you, let me know!

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡

Back in eighth grade, a kid in my class set the school on fire
because that was how you expressed helpless rage in the 80s,
with fire.

It seems old fashioned now, another time,
before school shootings even existed in our collective consciousness,
before they became part of How Things Are.

No one was hurt,
the building, made as it was of cinder blocks and steel, was unharmed,
school was closed for a couple days
and I haven’t thought about it since
until now.

Invitations

GET OVER HERE, WE HAVE A SCOOP!
That’s what Marlene said when I picked up the phone,
she was the teacher in charge of the school newspaper and
also, I realize now, in charge of keeping me safe,
my personal guardian angel, self-appointed.

She always knew, seemingly by magic, when gym class would involve dodge ball
or some other game invented by bullies for bullying
and she would rescue me.

The gym teacher would scowl and tell me to go,
and I would exhale in relief,
realizing Marlene had conjured another “important” mystery that
urgently needed investigating,
and I see in retrospect many things that I could not see before,
and which did not even have names.

Without the why

Anyway, Marlene called me
and this is how E and I ended up wandering the smoky halls
of an empty school, accompanied by fire fighters, men, in yellow,
surveying the damage.

We wrote a front-page full-page article with the headline “FIRE!”,
wherein we compiled the uninteresting and inconsequential details of
where the fire originated and how much damage was done,
with quotes from the fire fighters.

We covered the who/where/what/how,
though not the why,
and there is another mystery
why we did not go near the why,
maybe because it seemed too obvious?

Reasons

My mother said that boy must have had “problems”,
I think all the grownups were very bewildered
by the question of WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING
but we didn’t need to ask why,
who didn’t want to set that place on fire,
and he had more reason than any of us.

I know why I never set the school on fire
other than in the realm of fantasy
over and over again
blowing it up on repeat

But still

But still, setting that school on fire seemed to me
a very logical response
to being in that school.

Invisible things

The kid who set the school on fire didn’t have a Marlene
to rescue him over and over again with well-timed notes,
deus ex machina.

And I never got made fun of for having clothes that came from Kmart,
or the wrong shoes for gym,
the prejudice and classism that made him a target
did not touch me.

I remember feeling terrified all the time,
and I remember wanting to disappear
so the scary things would stop happening
but his approach actually makes more sense than my wish:
make the place where the scary things happen disappear.

The wrong question

Adults experienced other things
parental emotions which made no sense to me at the time —
fear, anger, worry, and, most of all, confusion
why would this happen
how could this happen
why would someone do this.

But we felt thrill and admiration
he did it he did it he did it he did it
he set it all on fire.

There was no way to explain to them
that this was the wrong question, and
adults being adults couldn’t understand.

Fire

We built an enormous fire in the Utah desert this weekend
and sat around it telling stories
or, really, listening to stories,
drinking whiskey under the stars,
four of us,
from different places and times.

This is what we are meant to do,
said the cowboy, who was very drunk
and suddenly enthusiastic about everything
instead of not caring about anything.

He is right, there is something wonderfully human
about fire and stories,
flames and embers, under the stars.

Fiery

I have been thinking a lot about Operation Turning Fiery
aka the various missions related to being forty,
and how my life wishes have basically distilled themselves:

Breathe, be outside as much as possible,
be a Total Fucking Badass (TFB)*
and take exquisite care of myself
with love.

I find myself wanting to burn things,
to go back and rescue past versions of me,
to be my own angel Marlene of miracles,
to set more things on fire.

A path of fire

The man at the supermarket steps too close to me,
and I move away, instinctively, automatically,
brandishing a red pepper and not sure how to use it,
but in my mind I stand my ground and say BACK OFF, CREEP
RESPECT THE PERIMETER
THIS IS MY SPACE
and then I set the whole produce aisle on fire with my mind
just so he knows who it is that he is not to fuck with
(me).

A man in a white Ford pickup with no license plate on the front
is watching me as I walk past warily
with a tote bag of groceries in each hand,
everything about him and how he
looks at me creeps me out
and I set his truck on fire too.

In my mind I breathe fire,
I call it into being,
leaving fiery paths in my wake,
sending meteors through space and time
and memory.

Middle-aged white men, all day, every day,
they look at me and I set their world on fire.

Compass

Here is my compass of Turning Fiery
aka being a total badass who is forty
and could definitely set things on fire with her mind
but doesn’t even need to.

North I AM FIERCE
Northeast I AM FEARLESS
East I AM POWERFUL
Southeast I AM STRIKING
South I AM OF THE EARTH
Southwest I GLOW
West I AM WILD
Northwest I DELIGHT IN LIFE

And all possible combinations and forms, may these now be my superpowers forever

How do I want to use fire?

Powerfully, and in my fiery fierce fearlessness,
and also for joy and pleasure, under the stars,
letting it reflect everything that needs reflecting,
letting it warm me, free me, illuminate desire.

As a door: look, I walked through [experience x] and
I AM STILL HERE.

With presence and intention,
let this burn away all that is done,
sage smoke
in front of me above me
behind me below me and in all directions
writing words in the air with incense
and powerful knowing
that whatever wants saying
needs room to be said.

How do I want to use fire?

Fire in my editing
(battlecry: burn it all down!)
goodbye, six hundred more words,
and fire in my writing
whatever wants to be told or named,
I’m listening,
hello, resurfacing stories,
I will sit by your fire
and learn

Fire in my dance
and on the pole
and through the ground
and in my burning desire to learn more
(and more) (and more) (and more)
and fire in a shared moment of play.

Fire in firing myself
from jobs that are not my job
(possibly most jobs)
and a path of fire to create openings
where none were before.

Is there anything else in this wish-vision?

Let’s burn it all down and find out,
burning to reveal essence,
undoing structures and assumptions,
willing to find out what wants to come next.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Nothing we say is ever late because whenever we write words is the right time for those words.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡

Discernment

The night March came in, I found myself suddenly awake, a voice in my ear:

{DISCERNMENT}

There was no doubt that this was an instruction
in addition to all the other things it could be;
a suggestion, an approach, a clue, a puzzle piece, a quality of spirit,
a reminder about presence and grace, wonder and awe, holy holiness.

March had arrived, the month of Pleasure,
and my (ha!) marching orders were here too
time to apply Discernment
in my search for Pleasure,
in my relationship with Pleasure.

The (ongoing) practice of being okay with not knowing.

Sometimes the name which comes in — for a month, for anything,
feels too distant, inaccessible, unobtainable, unknowable,
and familiar thought-patterns kick in:
frustration, hopelessness, the monster chorus of
what’s the point and why even bother trying.

Last year, February was the month of Sanctuary,
spent preparing to exit my home of the past eight years,
with no idea as to where I might be headed,
and no funds to get there, wherever it might be,
all of which felt like EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF SANCTUARY.

Last March was the month of Lusciousness and I felt pretty sure no one
could ever have had less of a connection to Lusciousness than I did
in that lonely month of isolation and dread.

What does this remind me of?

Ah, that disorienting feeling of walking a labyrinth
getting farther and farther away from center as you move towards it.

Naming the month asks for big trust.

More about this

(1) The main thing I learned in the month of Sanctuary last year:
Sanctuary doesn’t necessarily always exist in a physical space at all times.

It is more about the approach of how I scoop up tiny-me and scared-me,
meeting myself and all of my selves with great tenderness,
devoting myself to feeling at home in myself
and in my world,
how I tend to my internal and external space
each choice I make to protect myself, treasure myself,
to welcome all aspects of me, make space for what I need.

(2) Similarly, the month of Lusciousness taught me this:
I need to prioritize Lusciousness,
it isn’t just going to come in on its own because I asked,
and I need to believe that I am enough,
my existence is enough of a reason to celebrate my body,
receive pleasure, luxuriate in softness,
savor everything worth savoring.

Mystery

Right now I’m staying in an RV park in the desert,
covered in red dust, showering twice a week at most,
my daily life might not look particularly luscious from the outside,
but I feel Lusciousness all around me, I take sensual delight in everything,
spices, taste, scent, anticipation, the rush of wind on the back of the motorcycle,
the breath-taking sunsets, walking under the stars.

Often the theme of the month is more of an indication
of what I need to seek, or learn about, or come to terms with.

The glowingly beautiful quality of the month doesn’t necessarily
just show up when I ask for it, though then again sometimes it does.

The name invites me to delve into the mystery,
that is part of the magic of naming things.

Right on time

Delayed reaction is normal — I spent January devoted to Prowess,
studying it, inviting it into my life,
but I didn’t know how to feel Prowess, to embody it,
until suddenly last week when it just arrived.

I didn’t get it until I did.
Until it landed and it was mine.
Right on time.

What else do I know about this?

All that to say that I think I don’t know about Pleasure
but clearly I know more than I think I know,
and future me who has already passed through this door
will know so much more about it than I could possibly imagine,
she is asking me to march into pleasure with her,
to meet her on the other side.

Discernment goes well with Pleasure

This is about yes to my yes,
my brave and hopeful yes,
and paying attention to each no that redirects me
back to yes.

This is how I distinguish between
the perceived pleasure of what Jen Louden calls shadow comforts
and the real echoing-and-reverberating full-self Pleasure
of those sensations and experiences which truly excite me and bring me joy.

What do I know about Pleasure

Sometimes I forget that I am allowed to be
the Wild Sensualist, to crave sensation and value delight,
to listen intently to my desires, to be my own light source.

Sometimes the door to Pleasure is Permission,
including permission to want it.

What do I not yet know about Pleasure

That I get to embody this every day,
not just in tiny moments, but in everything I do,
pleasure is mine for the taking,
it just requires a shift in what I define as pleasurable
and how much I pay attention to body and breath.

What else do I know about Pleasure

Setting and view enhance pleasure
sometimes this requires a dose of change your place change your luck
I take pleasure in
the way the scruffy mountain man smiles at me and rests his hand on my knee
pleasure in walking with Prowess
under the stars
dance, dance, dance, more dance, movement,
pleasure flying through Zion on the motorcycle
pleasure in the music
pleasure in the quiet
pleasure in touch, taste, the fullness of sensation
pleasure in sleep and in waking
pleasure in adventure and not knowing what is next
(last year this terrified me, now it tastes like freedom)

What else do I not yet know about Pleasure

I can’t wait to find out…

Come in, come in, superpowers of Turning Fiery

I am turning fiery (last week I was flirty-nine, tomorrow I am fiery),
and Pleasure and Fiery go together,
also Prowess and Reflection.

The superpowers of Turning Fiery / Being Fiery / Becoming Fiery include:

Total Fucking Badass
I Know How To Be My Own Light Source
It’s All Beautifully Clear
True To My Yes / Yes To My Yes
Surprise Good Fortune Everywhere
Ease of Provisions
It Brings Me Joy To Know (And Ask For) What I Want
The Key Was In My Pocket This Whole Time
I am Fierce and Fearless
Standing In My Powers
I Reflect Light
I Take Pleasure In Pleasure
I Am My Own Pleasure-Delivery System
The Pleasure Is All Mine, If Ya Know What I Mean
Regal AF

Reflecting on Pleasure

There is so much I want to say about Pleasure,
and its subversive ability to fuel things,
about its role in the Resistance, its role in Revolution,
how it is a form of radical self-love
how it is a door to presence and play
and all the extraordinary things of life and aliveness.

But instead I am going to devote this month to
learning and studying, feeling and perceiving,
noticing how (and where) I position myself in relationship to Pleasure,
watching how I interact with this gorgeous door.

Good Expands

The superpower of the month of Pleasure is GOOD EXPANDS,
this to me is about Trust and Plenty, Trust in Plenty,
but also about making room,
which brings me back to Discernment and
last month’s wish about tabula rasa and letting things burn.

I want to follow pleasure like a path, I want to put my ear to this door
and listen.

I want to enter this new door and this new decade of my life
with curiosity, playfulness, sparks, radical self-treasuring, sweetness,
full trust in my glow
and my yes.

Marching towards Pleasure, with Pleasure, for Pleasure,
and for what I believe in,
which is a lot,
come march with me,
and I mean this in all senses of the word,
with Discernment and Prowess,
with certainty in what is right,
and hope about what is possible,
because we are the mighty mighty pleasure crew,
and there is so much to experience-learn-heal-undo,
and Pleasure is quite possibly the most unlikely and subversive door to walk through,
so here we go and here we are…

May it all be so, or something even better, amen.

Postscript!

Last chance to get some or all of the truly fantastic ebooks from the new year sale in the gift shop though not for long. I especially recommend the Illumination of Qualities if you want to work on Prowess and force-field strengthening — I find that skimming the beautiful words and qualities helps me connect with them and remember them throughout my day. Glowing love and appreciation your way, thank you for being a part of this with me in whatever way you can.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡