Back in eighth grade, a kid in my class set the school on fire
because that was how you expressed helpless rage in the 80s,
with fire.

It seems old fashioned now, another time,
before school shootings even existed in our collective consciousness,
before they became part of How Things Are.

No one was hurt,
the building, made as it was of cinder blocks and steel, was unharmed,
school was closed for a couple days
and I haven’t thought about it since
until now.

Invitations

GET OVER HERE, WE HAVE A SCOOP!
That’s what Marlene said when I picked up the phone,
she was the teacher in charge of the school newspaper and
also, I realize now, in charge of keeping me safe,
my personal guardian angel, self-appointed.

She always knew, seemingly by magic, when gym class would involve dodge ball
or some other game invented by bullies for bullying
and she would rescue me.

The gym teacher would scowl and tell me to go,
and I would exhale in relief,
realizing Marlene had conjured another “important” mystery that
urgently needed investigating,
and I see in retrospect many things that I could not see before,
and which did not even have names.

Without the why

Anyway, Marlene called me
and this is how E and I ended up wandering the smoky halls
of an empty school, accompanied by fire fighters, men, in yellow,
surveying the damage.

We wrote a front-page full-page article with the headline “FIRE!”,
wherein we compiled the uninteresting and inconsequential details of
where the fire originated and how much damage was done,
with quotes from the fire fighters.

We covered the who/where/what/how,
though not the why,
and there is another mystery
why we did not go near the why,
maybe because it seemed too obvious?

Reasons

My mother said that boy must have had “problems”,
I think all the grownups were very bewildered
by the question of WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING
but we didn’t need to ask why,
who didn’t want to set that place on fire,
and he had more reason than any of us.

I know why I never set the school on fire
other than in the realm of fantasy
over and over again
blowing it up on repeat

But still

But still, setting that school on fire seemed to me
a very logical response
to being in that school.

Invisible things

The kid who set the school on fire didn’t have a Marlene
to rescue him over and over again with well-timed notes,
deus ex machina.

And I never got made fun of for having clothes that came from Kmart,
or the wrong shoes for gym,
the prejudice and classism that made him a target
did not touch me.

I remember feeling terrified all the time,
and I remember wanting to disappear
so the scary things would stop happening
but his approach actually makes more sense than my wish:
make the place where the scary things happen disappear.

The wrong question

Adults experienced other things
parental emotions which made no sense to me at the time —
fear, anger, worry, and, most of all, confusion
why would this happen
how could this happen
why would someone do this.

But we felt thrill and admiration
he did it he did it he did it he did it
he set it all on fire.

There was no way to explain to them
that this was the wrong question, and
adults being adults couldn’t understand.

Fire

We built an enormous fire in the Utah desert this weekend
and sat around it telling stories
or, really, listening to stories,
drinking whiskey under the stars,
four of us,
from different places and times.

This is what we are meant to do,
said the cowboy, who was very drunk
and suddenly enthusiastic about everything
instead of not caring about anything.

He is right, there is something wonderfully human
about fire and stories,
flames and embers, under the stars.

Fiery

I have been thinking a lot about Operation Turning Fiery
aka the various missions related to being forty,
and how my life wishes have basically distilled themselves:

Breathe, be outside as much as possible,
be a Total Fucking Badass (TFB)*
and take exquisite care of myself
with love.

I find myself wanting to burn things,
to go back and rescue past versions of me,
to be my own angel Marlene of miracles,
to set more things on fire.

A path of fire

The man at the supermarket steps too close to me,
and I move away, instinctively, automatically,
brandishing a red pepper and not sure how to use it,
but in my mind I stand my ground and say BACK OFF, CREEP
RESPECT THE PERIMETER
THIS IS MY SPACE
and then I set the whole produce aisle on fire with my mind
just so he knows who it is that he is not to fuck with
(me).

A man in a white Ford pickup with no license plate on the front
is watching me as I walk past warily
with a tote bag of groceries in each hand,
everything about him and how he
looks at me creeps me out
and I set his truck on fire too.

In my mind I breathe fire,
I call it into being,
leaving fiery paths in my wake,
sending meteors through space and time
and memory.

Middle-aged white men, all day, every day,
they look at me and I set their world on fire.

Compass

Here is my compass of Turning Fiery
aka being a total badass who is forty
and could definitely set things on fire with her mind
but doesn’t even need to.

North I AM FIERCE
Northeast I AM FEARLESS
East I AM POWERFUL
Southeast I AM STRIKING
South I AM OF THE EARTH
Southwest I GLOW
West I AM WILD
Northwest I DELIGHT IN LIFE

And all possible combinations and forms, may these now be my superpowers forever

How do I want to use fire?

Powerfully, and in my fiery fierce fearlessness,
and also for joy and pleasure, under the stars,
letting it reflect everything that needs reflecting,
letting it warm me, free me, illuminate desire.

As a door: look, I walked through [experience x] and
I AM STILL HERE.

With presence and intention,
let this burn away all that is done,
sage smoke
in front of me above me
behind me below me and in all directions
writing words in the air with incense
and powerful knowing
that whatever wants saying
needs room to be said.

How do I want to use fire?

Fire in my editing
(battlecry: burn it all down!)
goodbye, six hundred more words,
and fire in my writing
whatever wants to be told or named,
I’m listening,
hello, resurfacing stories,
I will sit by your fire
and learn

Fire in my dance
and on the pole
and through the ground
and in my burning desire to learn more
(and more) (and more) (and more)
and fire in a shared moment of play.

Fire in firing myself
from jobs that are not my job
(possibly most jobs)
and a path of fire to create openings
where none were before.

Is there anything else in this wish-vision?

Let’s burn it all down and find out,
burning to reveal essence,
undoing structures and assumptions,
willing to find out what wants to come next.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Nothing we say is ever late because whenever we write words is the right time for those words.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡

Discernment

The night March came in, I found myself suddenly awake, a voice in my ear:

{DISCERNMENT}

There was no doubt that this was an instruction
in addition to all the other things it could be;
a suggestion, an approach, a clue, a puzzle piece, a quality of spirit,
a reminder about presence and grace, wonder and awe, holy holiness.

March had arrived, the month of Pleasure,
and my (ha!) marching orders were here too
time to apply Discernment
in my search for Pleasure,
in my relationship with Pleasure.

The (ongoing) practice of being okay with not knowing.

Sometimes the name which comes in — for a month, for anything,
feels too distant, inaccessible, unobtainable, unknowable,
and familiar thought-patterns kick in:
frustration, hopelessness, the monster chorus of
what’s the point and why even bother trying.

Last year, February was the month of Sanctuary,
spent preparing to exit my home of the past eight years,
with no idea as to where I might be headed,
and no funds to get there, wherever it might be,
all of which felt like EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF SANCTUARY.

Last March was the month of Lusciousness and I felt pretty sure no one
could ever have had less of a connection to Lusciousness than I did
in that lonely month of isolation and dread.

What does this remind me of?

Ah, that disorienting feeling of walking a labyrinth
getting farther and farther away from center as you move towards it.

Naming the month asks for big trust.

More about this

(1) The main thing I learned in the month of Sanctuary last year:
Sanctuary doesn’t necessarily always exist in a physical space at all times.

It is more about the approach of how I scoop up tiny-me and scared-me,
meeting myself and all of my selves with great tenderness,
devoting myself to feeling at home in myself
and in my world,
how I tend to my internal and external space
each choice I make to protect myself, treasure myself,
to welcome all aspects of me, make space for what I need.

(2) Similarly, the month of Lusciousness taught me this:
I need to prioritize Lusciousness,
it isn’t just going to come in on its own because I asked,
and I need to believe that I am enough,
my existence is enough of a reason to celebrate my body,
receive pleasure, luxuriate in softness,
savor everything worth savoring.

Mystery

Right now I’m staying in an RV park in the desert,
covered in red dust, showering twice a week at most,
my daily life might not look particularly luscious from the outside,
but I feel Lusciousness all around me, I take sensual delight in everything,
spices, taste, scent, anticipation, the rush of wind on the back of the motorcycle,
the breath-taking sunsets, walking under the stars.

Often the theme of the month is more of an indication
of what I need to seek, or learn about, or come to terms with.

The glowingly beautiful quality of the month doesn’t necessarily
just show up when I ask for it, though then again sometimes it does.

The name invites me to delve into the mystery,
that is part of the magic of naming things.

Right on time

Delayed reaction is normal — I spent January devoted to Prowess,
studying it, inviting it into my life,
but I didn’t know how to feel Prowess, to embody it,
until suddenly last week when it just arrived.

I didn’t get it until I did.
Until it landed and it was mine.
Right on time.

What else do I know about this?

All that to say that I think I don’t know about Pleasure
but clearly I know more than I think I know,
and future me who has already passed through this door
will know so much more about it than I could possibly imagine,
she is asking me to march into pleasure with her,
to meet her on the other side.

Discernment goes well with Pleasure

This is about yes to my yes,
my brave and hopeful yes,
and paying attention to each no that redirects me
back to yes.

This is how I distinguish between
the perceived pleasure of what Jen Louden calls shadow comforts
and the real echoing-and-reverberating full-self Pleasure
of those sensations and experiences which truly excite me and bring me joy.

What do I know about Pleasure

Sometimes I forget that I am allowed to be
the Wild Sensualist, to crave sensation and value delight,
to listen intently to my desires, to be my own light source.

Sometimes the door to Pleasure is Permission,
including permission to want it.

What do I not yet know about Pleasure

That I get to embody this every day,
not just in tiny moments, but in everything I do,
pleasure is mine for the taking,
it just requires a shift in what I define as pleasurable
and how much I pay attention to body and breath.

What else do I know about Pleasure

Setting and view enhance pleasure
sometimes this requires a dose of change your place change your luck
I take pleasure in
the way the scruffy mountain man smiles at me and rests his hand on my knee
pleasure in walking with Prowess
under the stars
dance, dance, dance, more dance, movement,
pleasure flying through Zion on the motorcycle
pleasure in the music
pleasure in the quiet
pleasure in touch, taste, the fullness of sensation
pleasure in sleep and in waking
pleasure in adventure and not knowing what is next
(last year this terrified me, now it tastes like freedom)

What else do I not yet know about Pleasure

I can’t wait to find out…

Come in, come in, superpowers of Turning Fiery

I am turning fiery (last week I was flirty-nine, tomorrow I am fiery),
and Pleasure and Fiery go together,
also Prowess and Reflection.

The superpowers of Turning Fiery / Being Fiery / Becoming Fiery include:

Total Fucking Badass
I Know How To Be My Own Light Source
It’s All Beautifully Clear
True To My Yes / Yes To My Yes
Surprise Good Fortune Everywhere
Ease of Provisions
It Brings Me Joy To Know (And Ask For) What I Want
The Key Was In My Pocket This Whole Time
I am Fierce and Fearless
Standing In My Powers
I Reflect Light
I Take Pleasure In Pleasure
I Am My Own Pleasure-Delivery System
The Pleasure Is All Mine, If Ya Know What I Mean
Regal AF

Reflecting on Pleasure

There is so much I want to say about Pleasure,
and its subversive ability to fuel things,
about its role in the Resistance, its role in Revolution,
how it is a form of radical self-love
how it is a door to presence and play
and all the extraordinary things of life and aliveness.

But instead I am going to devote this month to
learning and studying, feeling and perceiving,
noticing how (and where) I position myself in relationship to Pleasure,
watching how I interact with this gorgeous door.

Good Expands

The superpower of the month of Pleasure is GOOD EXPANDS,
this to me is about Trust and Plenty, Trust in Plenty,
but also about making room,
which brings me back to Discernment and
last month’s wish about tabula rasa and letting things burn.

I want to follow pleasure like a path, I want to put my ear to this door
and listen.

I want to enter this new door and this new decade of my life
with curiosity, playfulness, sparks, radical self-treasuring, sweetness,
full trust in my glow
and my yes.

Marching towards Pleasure, with Pleasure, for Pleasure,
and for what I believe in,
which is a lot,
come march with me,
and I mean this in all senses of the word,
with Discernment and Prowess,
with certainty in what is right,
and hope about what is possible,
because we are the mighty mighty pleasure crew,
and there is so much to experience-learn-heal-undo,
and Pleasure is quite possibly the most unlikely and subversive door to walk through,
so here we go and here we are…

May it all be so, or something even better, amen.

Postscript!

Last chance to get some or all of the truly fantastic ebooks from the new year sale in the gift shop though not for long. I especially recommend the Illumination of Qualities if you want to work on Prowess and force-field strengthening — I find that skimming the beautiful words and qualities helps me connect with them and remember them throughout my day. Glowing love and appreciation your way, thank you for being a part of this with me in whatever way you can.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡

February is both the shortest and longest month, it always seems (for me, at least) as though it will never end and then suddenly it is gone.

Let’s reflect. Which is extra appropriate, since this was the month of Reflection and Reflecting.

I’m feeling tired and cranky and not particularly in the mood to reflect, so I’m going to do this like a messy awards ceremony, like the Oscars, which I did not watch, or whatever the other awards ceremonies are, I missed those too this year, as I do every year, so I do not actually know what I’m talking about, but I plan to give out awards to various February things in my life, and you are welcome to join me if you like.

What’s been working?

My monster committee believes I do nothing but navel-gaze, no matter how much I manage to get done in a day. They think I am steadily moving away from yes instead of towards it. They think I am trapped in fear-paralysis (I am, at least sometimes, definitely more often than I would prefer to be, though usually it’s because of them.)

So I did a lot of noticing and reflecting on this, for example how everything on my list gets zapped from my mind once it’s done, so that no matter how hard I work, nothing seems to ever count.

I decided to start tracking ALL THE SHIT I DO, aka ALL THE SPARKLEPOINT-WORTHY SHIT THAT I DO, which is everything, including the really small things, aka all the progress that the monsters instantly erase because each individual action seems so small, and because they like to say that I spent the whole day screwing around and puttering instead of doing the IMPORTANT things.

It is good that they want me to do the important things, but it is not helpful that I let them minimize everything I do.

My friend Agent Emdee recommended an app called RememberWin, and I am using it to keep lists of everything I do. These are not to-do lists. These are THIS SHIT IS DONE lists. Naming as it happens.

It is a good way to remember that actually I am constantly doing things. This is also helping me remember to celebrate, something I am notoriously bad at.

For example, yesterday it turns out that I actually did THIRTY SEVEN THINGS, all of which have meaning and are important, and any of which could have easily turned into iguanas (stuck things that are unappealing for no clear reason but they just are). And I did them. But apparently when I don’t note these tiny victories, I think I’m doing nothing, when actually I’m sweeping the floor and postponing an appointment and washing dishes and looking up a resource and making soup and so on.

Ten thousand sparklepoints to me!

Funniest thing about the month of Reflecting.

That time I spent a week looking for a room I could use with a mirror.

Because there is no room to learn how to keep a hoop around my waist in a motorhome.

Most unlikely thing I did this month.

Spend an afternoon shooting guns in the desert. Not something I ever thought I would do, but hey, when in Utah. I am still a neurotic eccentric urban jewish writer at heart, but it turns out that shooting at cans and making them fall down is a good time.

Hardest parts of this month.

Intense waves of hurt and anger. Learning more about how waves work.

The odd and awful feeling of loneliness when not alone. Wanting to be wanted.

There is so much racism here in southern Utah, and now this is something I encounter every single day instead of occasionally, and it is heartbreaking, and I never know if the answer is exit or punch people or educate, and the answer keeps changing, and so does the question. I second-guess myself a lot.

Best decision this month.

Motorcycle boots. They were for a motorcycle ride which got postponed, but it turns out I just feel 10,0000x more badass in motorcycle boots, and also more comfortable.

Also I started walking in circles around the RV park, and this turns out to be very calming for me. The circles, and the walking.

Best secret ops this month.

Operation Tabula Rasa. Operation What Would Alastair Reid Do. Operation Clear The Path To Clear The Path.

Things that are reflective.

Stars, reflective tape, lights.

I also found a really good library, which is a place of reflection. A well-lit place of reflection. That was unexpected and perfect. Thank you.

Things I am reflecting on (and making wishes about).

Kickboxing. Pole dancing. Hot springs. Quiet under the stars. What does it mean to get lost on purpose. The note that past-me left for me says GET OUT AND BE HARD TO FIND.

Superpowers I had.

Extreme Bravery!

Giving myself sparklepoints for Extreme Bravery!

Walking My Way Through.

Waves Pass and I Am Still Here.

This moment is worthy of being celebrated, and so am I.

Connecting.

Trying New Things Just Because.

Adventurous Spirit.

Making perfect rice.

Change the date.

Superpowers I want…

Everything that is mine returns to me.

Redirected with Kindness.

Emeralds and Moonstones.

More Sweetness.

Everything Is Looking Up.

Regal As Fuck.

Yes I Know How To Use This.

The superpower of saying “back off, creep”, a la Traci Lords as Wanda in Cry-Baby, and the superpower of not even needing to say it.

The superpower of being a panther, a jewel and a ray of light.

The superpower of remembering that I already have all these superpowers.

Incoming me says…

Breathe. You’re doing great. Take in more oxygen. Give yourself a better view. Find your way back to the stars. Take exquisite care of yourself. Do more nothing. Do less, in general. Surprise yourself. Enjoy the boots.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. The month of Pleasure begins tomorrow. Look at all you have done to ready yourself for this, all you have emptied out, while you thought you weren’t getting anything done. You have been preparing the ground for this.

In the meantime, February was for Light, Clarity and Insight, and you had all of these in spades. You had breathtaking sunsets against the red rock mountain backdrop, you had big understandings about no and about yes, you had so many opportunities to let go and clear out.

You were your own ally, you were a spark of light, a ray of aliveness, awake and clear, and I couldn’t ask for a better companion to cross through this door.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, anything you’ve noticed this month, awards you wish to award yourself, or glow massive amounts of sparklepoints for yourself, whatever appeals.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with kindness, appreciation and warmth.

I’ll see you here and also for the March wishes, and I’m also writing a post about setting things on fire, which I might publish soon, we will see how I feel. Lots of love.

♡

Reflecting.

Reflecting is a luscious word, I am so glad that this is the name which asked to come in for this month, and oh good god this breathtaking image, I could reflect on it for days.

I hadn’t realized, until I began exploring Reflection (and reflecting on it!) this week, just how much it holds for me as a word and quality, how much space is there in the light.

And one particular aspect of reflecting that I am learning about is related to the ability to reveal gems — speaking of things that shine in light — in past experience, while maintaining steady clarity, not getting tangled up in the past.

I am not sure how to name this superpower yet, so for now let’s call it looking back without looking back.

For example, I can reflect on the treasure I received from January, and allow the quality of Reflection to amplify it, while also glowing the superpowers that live in a favorite Bob Dylan song, currently on repeat, the anthem of this month, “she’s got everything she needs, she’s an artist, she don’t look back…”

Reflecting on the month of Prowess.

I learned-observed-noticed so many things over the course of January aka the month of Prowess.

Some of these are more specifically related to qualities of Prowess or my relationship with Prowess, some are more general observations, but of course it is all intertwined, because naming the month is a frame.

We called in Prowess, which is such a powerful thing to ask for, and so of course this changes what we notice and how we notice it.

Some observations…

1. There is so much left for me to learn about presence and grace, about power and standing in mine. About BUFFER PHRASES and BOUNDARIES, and expecting to be respected, and not putting up with unsovereign shit. Like, I seriously just devoted an entire month to studying those things in depth, and the main thing I discovered is that I am barely scratching the surface of what I need to know, that I am only beginning to get a sense of what (and how) I need to glow. More work to be done here.
2. But yes I am ready to glow more, to be Tough and Wild, Fierce and Fearless, Present and Powerful, fully embodied, a living-out of panther sleekness and panther grace, and, when necessary, striking panther fury.
3. Man, reading the news is straight up jet fuel for a breakdown. For me. And yet, I am convinced that I cannot afford to not know and to not act. I mean, standing up to incoming totalitarianism asks us to stay aware, to put it mildly. Figuring out the right proportions for me of REVOLUTION, PROTEST AND RESISTANCE, with Taking Exquisite Care of my Highly Sensitive/Witchy/Empathic Self, and making sure my light stays on. Yes to staying Awake and Aware, conscious, alert, present. And: a breakdown from too much distressing input doesn’t support the cause.
4. I love pistachios with a passion and intensity that is deep and abiding, and I love pistachio ice cream even more, my god, PISTACHIOS, do you know what I mean? And yet I forget this truth so easily, I forget about the very existence of pistachios, sometimes for months at a time. What else is like pistachios? I feel very strongly that this is definitely about pistachios, but also I feel so strongly that I’m pretty sure this also has to be a proxy too.
5. Nothing is more important for me than keeping up oxytocin, how did I not know that. And during the many days of Snowed In (and other forms of Remain Indoors related to freezing rain, freezing fog, impassable streets etc) in Portland last month, I learned that I absolutely lose my mind when I am not getting regular hugs. This vital piece of intel helped me glow retroactive clarity and compassion towards past-me — ahhh everything she did was a very legitimate response to not getting enough touch to thrive. Right now experiencing something like an achingly painful hug deficiency that I didn’t know about, and wanting so badly to play catch-up, except I am currently in rural Utah surrounded by retired Mormons (EDITED to note that they probably would be happy to hug me if I asked them, but I am not there yet) and I don’t how to go about this, but I will reflect.
6. I am ready to learn more about Traveling Light.
7. Prowess supports the Uprising. The rigged game bullshit of daily life does not. Prowess practice is therefore important all the time, in every tiny way possible.
8. Getting a couple centimeters taller is very good for Prowess. Stretching helps me remember to stand tall and use the ground.

Reflecting superpowers (double meaning).

Today is Groundhog Day, a favorite day, because it comes with all the superpowers of Do-Overs Forever and Everything Twice, and Multiplication of Whatever You Like (I Choose Joy).

I am obsessing over superpowers right now, because I am currently hard at work on a writing project that focuses on them, and it is almost impossible to convey how weirdly magical they are, so much more so than they should be.

Naming is invoking, and invoking is inviting, and inviting is priming yourself to observe, and observation leads to learning, and learning leads to embodying.

But it is somehow more elusive and mystical and indescribable than that.

Anyway, superpowers, and naming them! They get me out of bed in the morning, and sometimes they are the only thing that works, for that, or for anything.

Calling on the powers I wish to reflect and reflect on…

Today — and for the month of Reflecting and beyond — I am borrowing three especially marvelous superpowers from a Rally friend:

• I Can Start and Successfully Complete Even Complicated Projects
• Magical Space Clearing
• I Am Not Intimidated by Fear and Shame Monsters

And I am adding to these. No, I am multiplying these with others that come up as important right now:

FORTITUDE IS MY GAME, FIERCE AND FEARLESS, I STAND IN MY POWERS. I REFLECT LIGHT.

Yes, time to let superpowers multiply with each other, and watch as they produce entirely new superpowers that I haven’t even dreamed up yet. Fractal flower multiplication, under the surface.

Fiery Reflections.

My word for this year is FIERY, which actually started out as a joke. I am turning forty next month, which has been making me a little….edgy?

I mean, at noon today I was lolling around in a flimsy leopard-print housecoat, eating ice cream (yes, pistachio ice cream, with extra pistachios in it) for breakfast, in a broken down motorhome parked in an RV park in southern Utah, all of which is proof, according to my monsters that I have achieved peak You Have Disappointed Your Mother And Dashed All Her Hopes And Dreams and Squandered Your Potential You Are Turning Forty And You Have Nothing To Show For It.

But when I call it Turning Fiery instead of turning forty, and send the monsters off to play, then I am ready-ready-ready to be fiery, I am ready for my fiery years, I am ready to embody this wild heat, to be my own light source.

Revolution.

Fiery is an unusual choice for me, I tend to want to invoke calming peaceful things, horizon and perspective, a sky full of stars.

I like to get quieter, listen more, rest and pause until I know what is next. I like water and flow, fluidity and fluency, big sky, open landscapes, long naps. Contemplation and turning inward.

But hey, it’s time for a Revolution, not only out in the world but also in the kingdom of my life, and revolution is a word which also means turning, and I am just now understanding that the turning part is actually key element in Operation Turning Fiery.

I am flashing on an image of a blacksmith turning something over a fire. Turning is becoming, and turning is roundness, and turning is process.

Turning and burning. Let’s light it up.

What do I know about Fiery.

It holds so many marvelous qualities, so many categories of qualities.

Fiery is related to Prowess and being in my power: Fierce & Fearless, Passionate Intensity, Wild Aliveness, Powerful Presence.

There is also the Fiery of the revolution: the Resistance is fueled by this, we are fired up, ready to take to the streets and the airports, to bear witness.

There is my Fiery troublemaker alter-ego who loves adventure and celebrates her independence, off on her motorcycle, working on her pole-dancing tricks. She treasures herself. She is unapologetically sexy. She glows for miles and leaves a trail of sparks in her wake.

Also Fiery like concentrated shiva power: create and destroy, create and destroy, the fires of Reinvention and Intention and Undoing.

There is Fiery like Ignited, the fire of Focused Determination and Going After It, with Clarity and Excitement, Following the Creative Sparks, fired up like the way I feel about my projects at Rally when they are so excited to play with me.

And there is fiery as in tending to my own flames, being in sensual sleek wild desire states. My panther self.

There is the fiery of clarity about letting go, and the fires of adventure, there are the fires of hearth and home and being at home in myself, a fire of where I belong.

Fiery and Reflection

At first I thought maybe Fiery might not fit well with this month, a funny word to come in so powerfully at the door of the month of Reflection, because reflecting is, for me, a quality that invites quiet contemplation.

But fire is also very meditative, it draws you in to its patterns.

And reflecting is also about light, there is beautiful play of light and shadow when you come towards the flames, and yes, whatever I need to see will be reflected in the light.

I can reflect whatever I want, and right now what I want to reflect, embody and glow is the flame-spark of the revolution, both in the more quiet and steady sense of my desire to provide sustainable tools for the resistance, but also yes, I am ready to carry a torch and I am ready to burn shit down, I am ready to rise up and make noise and be a part of this powerful movement towards light.

Let’s move towards light, let’s reflect truth, let’s be a force to be reckoned with.

And let’s also rest up and gather strength, tend to the fires that need tending, make sure we never come close to burning out.

Reflecting on reflecting on Reflecting.

What are my wishes for this month of Reflecting and beyond? What can I learn here?

I want to stay commmitted to Prowess, and to space, being selective about my view, what I let in, what I choose as my surroundings, how I interact with perspective.

Incoming me is a passionate believer in tabula rasa and in many different forms of emptying out, that is a clue too.

I want the superpowers of Standing Tall, I want an outrageous abundance of available hugs (and other forms of sweetness and connection), and to trust that I have the right tools for the job.

I want to trust that self-fluency is FUELING THE RESISTANCE, and to take strong powerful striding striking steps in that direction. I want calm, steady conviction and easy clarity.

I want to observe myself with great love. And I want to call in all the superpowers I need and watch them multiply in the light of my flame.

And I want to feel ready to be Fiery, ready to be Her Fieriness, Her Sleekness, Her Wildness, ready to light it up.

May it all be so, or something even better, amen.

Postscript!

I still haven’t updated the shop which means you still have a chance to get some or all of the amazing ebooks from the new year sale in the gift shop though not for long. I especially recommend the Illumination of Qualities if you want to work on Prowess and force-field strengthening — I find that reading the beautiful words and qualities helps me connect with them and remember them throughout my day. Glowing love and appreciation your way, thank you for being a part of this with me in whatever way you can.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡

Hello, new year.

Hello, beloved place of gathering and breath, of sharing and clarity.

Interestingly, also the place I go to remember that All Timing Is Right Timing.

Hello, gate into Prowess, the quality I am calling in for January and beyond, for the rest of my life, something I want and need to be-and-glow, now more than ever.

And I mean on all levels; physically and emotionally, spiritually and politically, in my energy, in my presence, in every aspect of my being. Radiant, self-assured, unapologetic fully-embodied prowess.

Calm, clear and steady when a) that is the answer and b) I am able to embody these qualities.

But — and this is important, I also want to act without fear of my anger or my power either. I want to be able to react in a moment as is needed in that moment, to stand up for myself as needed, striking like a panther when that is needed.

Let’s back up. Let’s start from breath because that is what helps. (For me.)

Breathing for the new year.

I spent new year’s eve in the middle of nowhere.

I watched the outrageous sunset play out over the endless Nevada sky, and I made cocktails, and snuggled up with [lover] on the couch and watched Scorpion, falling asleep about fifteen minutes before midnight, and all this was the right way to slide into a new year.

It was quiet and enormously peaceful, and this was the door I needed in the moment I needed it, which I believe was part of my wish for solstice and the month of Light.

Yes, there is great wariness in this newness, with the disastrous political situation here eclipsing all the previous troubles (from the unsolved mysteries of sustainable online business to the unsolved mystery of where I want to be and what I want to do), but there is also a hopefulness and a sense of wonder that I had not anticipated.

Finding my way through.

I almost didn’t want to make wishes for the new year, even though usually that’s my favorite part.

In fact, this may have been the least enthused I have ever been about a new anything.

Because come on, it’s pretty bad when the only goal/wish you can come up with is basically please no nuclear war and may the country/world not be overrun by nazis, amen….

But then I started focusing on PROWESSS, asking what Prowess skill sets I need to be working on and developing to navigate this new year, and I discovered something marvelous.

I discovered that Prowess is my secret gate/pathway to Steadiness, Hopefulness, Mystery and other wild witchy wonders of life.

Beyond resolve.

I don’t do resolutions because how can I possibly commit future-me to anything without knowing what her yes is? She isn’t here yet, I can’t know what she will want or need, I only know that I love her and trust her unconditionally.

The only thing I can resolve is to be as intentional and present as I can, listening, awake to my yes, true to instinct and desire and what I believe in.

This year I translated “resolve” to mean something more like yes, I am here and I am serious about the things that are important to me.

Yes, I am serious about this year and serious about what I want! Even though, quite often actually, when I am serious about something, I am also the most playful with how I approach it.

Serious about welcoming prowess.

I am serious about boundaries and DNFW,
writing and dance,
getting off grid,
glowing my glow,
quitting most things,
generally being a total fucking badass and
my own personal hero of extreme self-treasuring.

I am serious about healing
and learning about ease,
I am serious about freedom and love,
sustenance and sustainability.

I am serious about giving myself real rest,
immersion in water,
being under the stars,
making sure I get enough iron and nourishment,
and doing all these things before I’m on the verge of breakdown.

Yes, this is where I want to direct the light.

I am serious about learning new skills,
practicing buffer phrases,
protecting my space,
being the queen of glowing force field boundaries.

I am serious about PLEASURE,
about prioritizing Wildness and Wilding,
my Wild selves and my wild side…

I am serious about silk and lusciousness,
about being fierce and fearless
finding joy wherever I can
and living intentionally
being a sweet and wild revolutionary
in the kingdom of my life and out in the world.

Fragments of a conversation with Incoming Me…

Me: When I skip stones about Prowess, what comes up is that I need to learn more about Ease. Like there is something I don’t yet get about Ease that needs to be in place for me to understand Prowess…
She: Ease is a combination of Preparation and Releasing Expectations. Well, also Intention. But you have already put in the time on that one. I need you to focus on the other two.

Me: Preparation and Releasing Expectations sounds like another form of Sanctuary and Freedom, or [tree and bird].
She: That is such a beautiful insight. Insight is where you shine and are most comfortable, and that’s a strength you bring to this mission. Now though is the time to broaden your focus and develop the skills that allow you to be good with instinct. Instinct will serve you here even more than insight if you let it.

Me: To me, preparation is about provisions, mise en place, structure and form, ritual, all the things that allow for steadiness. And releasing expectations is about trust and receptivity.
She: Excellent. These are all good clues. Approach these from instinct, from raw feel, from your panther self. Be a panther, a jewel and a star. But start from panthering.

What are my wishes?

Instinct.

Comfortable with being powerful, direct, even abrasive when that is what is called for.

Yes, I am a Sweet Revolutionary (and also a Cake Baker).

Resonance. Congruence. Moving forward. Big wild trust. Clarity of intent.

Knowing what I am serious about, and celebrating it.

True to my yes.

True to my yes, to my yes of the moment, to current yes. Wild dedication to yes.

To write/bake each day according to instinct.

To take care of my body that is my home, to invite in my panther self.

To feel myself as an embodiment of the superpower of Regal As Fuck, no matter what monsters have to say. This is absolutely a PROWESS superpower, along with Serene Powerful Presence.

To live and love boldly. With instinct, clarity and prowess.

May it be so.

Postscript!

We extended the new year sale which means there are still lovely things available in the gift shop though not for long. I recommend the Illumination of Qualities if you want to work on Prowess and force-field strengthening — I find that reading the beautiful words and qualities helps me connect with them and remember them throughout my day. They fill me with joy, and joy is something I am serious about this year too.

Also, you probably already know this, but ebook sales are one of the main ways we can keep this place going, and keeping this place going is something I feel strongly about. Thank you for being a part of this with me in whatever way you can.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

♡