What’s been working? What do I want to play with….

My week can basically be summed up by this Liana Finck cartoon.

What has been working is knowing that not acting is not an option.

Focusing on Clarity and Purpose. One day at a time.

Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

• Post-election news gets worse and worse. Breathing fierce determination to act.
• I had a long rant about Jon Stewart, the last person I was expecting to disagree with this week, but I am erasing it because cycling through rantiness is not helpful for me right now, maybe once I get out of wheel-grinding mode. Breathing for reclaiming power.
• I cried over so many things this week but for some reason it was rereading The Wasteland that got me hardest, those last two sections, straight to the heart. Breathing and breathing.
• The dissonance of being around the unaffected. A breath for this.
• An old, old, old pattern that I am in the process of untangling, and right now it just hurts. Breathing for this.
• To be honest, spending the week alone in a motorhome in a supermarket parking lot with a bunch of mice and an unpredictable heater that doesn’t always work, when it’s 18 degrees Fahrenheit at night (that’s -7 in Celsius), all that is actually not as bad as it sounds. But ohmygod you guys, the internal monster brigade of Look At Your Life You Are Going To Be Forty And You Are The Biggest Failure That Has Ever Been. They are not fun. Breathing presence. And listening to twenty-year-old me and thirty-year-old me, who are delighted to know that my life did not turn out to be conventional or dull in any way, and none of their worries about that were justified!
• Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!

• Focused and clear. Breathing appreciation.
• Using my body to access calm: slow yoga with slow breathing, lots of TRE, balance, rest. Breathing and listening.
• I said this last week and it is still true (for me). Writing helps. Breathing thankfulness for an outlet.
• Mexican food and movie night with the cowboy before he left town. There are some lovely sweet things about small town life, about routine. A breath for comfort, warmth, smiling.
• Hey let’s notice all the things that didn’t go wrong! The mice kept to themselves. The heater worked through the night. I almost ran out of data on my phone but somehow made it through. A hundred billion trillion sparklepoints for all the things that are okay. Breathing.
• I know what I want. I am very clear about this. A breath for the many things that are possible.
• So grateful for my friends who kept me company this week by text: Agent Ravenstar, Agent Spalding, The Vicar, Briana, Lucky Lola, Richard, Lady Kathryn of the Jewels, Shawn, The Writer Who Writes, Adiv. It helps to have people who listen and who get it. A breath for companionship.
• An abundance of good ideas, comforting thoughts, useful intel from my body. A breath for the treasure that comes through quiet.
• Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of spotify playlists, beautiful mountains, a gigantic pot of tea, daydreaming about moving to a small town in Italy, night-dreaming about good things, finishing a project, snuggling. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers.

Last week I asked to own Fierce Determination so fully and powerfully that it glows for miles. I didn’t think this would show up since I was feeling pretty despondent when I asked, but I am having moments of this powerful determined glowing.

Two weeks ago, I asked for surprise perfect solutions that are so beautiful I clap my hands in delight. I got one, and would like some more please.

May it be so.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

Echoing this wish about about Forward and Fierce.

It is the month of echoing and oh, there is so much to echo here.

If ever there were a time for powerful resonance, now is a good one.

Like so many people I am finding myself in a daze since the U.S. elections. A back and forth between numb depression and horror-revulsion, waves of anxiety.

I still don’t have anything remotely hopeful to say about this garbage fire of a political situation but, when not hiding in bed, I feel sparks of Fierce Determination to do.

To do (and undo). To do and to act, and am rooting hard for more sparks each day.

Each day I feel more strongly the call towards next steps, whatever they might be, filling up on that Fierce Determination to do something, a pull of Towards.

Towards.

Kadima. Forwards. Towards.

What do we want to move towards?

I think most of us are painfully aware of what we want to move away from, but right now, eyes on towards: how powerfully and with how much fierceness and intention can I channel my towards.

This is what I want to learn and so this is my wish this week.

What are we going to do?

I have asked this question many times this week, sometimes in despair, but sometimes I am able to ask this like a wild and brilliant inventor on the verge of a Very Good Plan, brewing up possibility and hope.

Sometimes I am able to hear this question like a battlecry.

We’ve been given a lot of work, we’ve been asked to be conduits for big passionate intensity, and it’s going to be interesting, but hey, here we are.

There is no business as usual.

This is the time to be real and vulnerable and figure out what we can do.

Even if what we can do is “take care of mental and emotional health so hard and hold onto our force fields for dear life until something else can happen”. That counts too.

Action as a living out of towards.

I am thinking so much these days about action, and types of action, and where/how to be most effective. About the meeting points between extreme self care and standing for what is right.

And really the only reassuring thing right now (for me) is how many others I know or know of who are finding their way through a similar process.

Like Sarah Mirk who has been in a wild flurry of interviewing people on the topic of activism that can be acted on before the inauguration, — there will be a podcast on bitch media with all these ideas next week, and also this sweet tiny free zine (which you are welcome to pass along).

I get texts from friends who are trying to figure out their next steps, and certainly I’m trying to figure out mine.

But what I know for sure is — other than the basic principles of Safety First and prioritizing taking exquisite care of ourselves to the best of our abilities, however that might look in a given moment — we already have good clues.

Our wishes haven’t changed that much.

They might just need to get a little more focused.

Do you get excited about electric cars? Fantastic. Because guess who is appointing a climate change denier as head of the Environmental Protection Agency, or really as head of destroying the Environmental Protection Agency.

Now is a good time for people who can get excited about things they were already excited about to get even more excited about those things. Forward? Forward.

Maybe it’s electric cars, maybe it’s indigenous rights, maybe it’s changing the culture of bullying, maybe it’s helping undocumented kids, maybe it’s women’s health, maybe it’s awareness or advocacy for something dear to our hearts, maybe it’s being a really good role model.

Maybe it’s being honest, vulnerable, clear, present, alive. And then showing up with that to whatever speaks to you most powerfully.

Days.

There are days when all I can do for the first few hours is bed.

Other days I’m fired up to get to North Dakota as fast as possible and protest the pipeline, contribute in any way I can.

There are days when I remember that the work I do right now — sharing and modeling the techniques and approach that contribute to mental and emotional stability so that we can do all the other things we want to do — is important and valuable. Time to consolidate my body of work.

Some days I feel so intensely glum but later I find out that a text I sent to a friend or something I posted here was genuinely helpful for someone in a dark moment.

How.

How are you doing, says the guy who works at the cafe, and I don’t know how to answer.

Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Politically? Existentially?

The word of the year is “post-truth“. How am I doing?

I am darkness and sparks.

I am a powerful fierce striking panther and a glowing star.

I am also currently someone who cries a lot and does not want to start the day.

And I am also someone who writes up a storm all afternoon.

Jason Garland Sturgill made this print — if you shine your light it won’t be dark. Yes, this too.

We having some shining to do. We have some sitting in the dark to do.

We do our best teaching (and leading) when we are vulnerable.

Since the election I have been thinking about a moment from my last year in university.

I don’t even remember what the course was, a seminar on Classical Athens (maybe?) with Irad Malkin. I remember the light coming through the window and this moment.

Someone asked him a question, and we were all waiting for him to do his thing, his charming, engaging thing, waiting for him to expound, enlighten, with wise, thoughtful commentary, something that would make us scribble wildly in our notebooks.

But he just sat there, on the edge of the desk.

And finally he said, “You know what? I don’t know.”

We looked at him, completely bewildered. The classroom went silent, something that does not happen in Israel, ever. We waited.

Finally he said, “I’m going to give this some thought and get back to you next week, thank you for asking a question I don’t know how to answer.”

That’s the main thing I remember from university. Not the classes I took, not the question that was asked, and certainly not the answer which he did indeed give the next week, I’m sure it was good but I couldn’t tell you what it was.

Vulnerability is real power..

It’s scary to do, but it’s real.

That’s what I remember from university. I remember that the one person I actually looked up to stood in front of his best students and admitted he didn’t have any answers.

I think this is part of what we may be called on to embody in this next period of time.

I think we are going to have to be open and honest about our lack of answers. This is uncharted territory. It is certainly eerily reminiscent of the beginning of one of the most frightening periods of human history, but it is also its own thing.

We are going to have to be real.

Real is how people know shit is different.

Not fine.

I realize that [business as usual] and acting like things are fine is one way that some people cope, and I am a big fan of whatever helps you cope.

At the same time, I personally have little patience for — nor interest in — the approach of lalala everything is fine.

Everything is not fine.

It is troubling, it is challenging, and there are populations of this country who are now in danger and in need of all the support we can gather together.

Acknowledging the not-fine is part of the vulnerability.

I am not talking about wallowing and stew-stirring. I am talking about clarity and honesty. Naming what is, including things that are not fun to name like white supremacists in high level government positions, or that a known sexual predator (who not only admits to this but is proud of it) is leading the United States.

Part of my wish of Fierce and Forward is about naming: what I feel, what I need, and how I want to be in the face of [things I feel strongly about].

Refuge.

A vague faded memory, maybe nine years old? A couple dozen happy people at an amusement park, of all ages, in matching blue shirts, having the time of their lives.

Somehow I learned this bubbly gathering was something called a family reunion, and I must have asked if we could have one too, since it looked to be quite the party, and that was when my mother explained that we don’t have extended family because they were all murdered by nazis in the holocaust.

In our family we joke that we are all about quality, not quantity.

Sure, it isn’t really that funny. Dark humor is the refuge of people who don’t have anywhere to go. But sometimes bitter laughter is what you have.

Who can count on us?

Little-me tried so hard to understand what kind of terrible friends and neighbors our relatives must have had, because surely if a bad person came to power now, we could count on the people in our lives to stand up for us, to hide us and rescue us.

I think they muttered something dark about how you don’t really know who your friends are until it comes down to it. And for years I chalked that up to their general grim paranoia, the painful legacy of being The Generation After.

But hey, right now Trump’s people are talking seriously and openly about a registry of Muslims in the country, citing the (horrifying) precedent of Japanese internment camps, aka the most shameful part of American history after the genocide of native peoples.

Right now Manhattan (Manhattan!) is covered in swastikas, I know at least a handful of people actively planning potential fleeing options, and many more people who have had to exit social media due to ever-escalating threats and abuse.

Right now I am losing my mind over just how many people are trying to convince us that Steve Bannon — an honest to god actual white nationalist and known anti-semite, and now the new chief strategist for the incoming president of the United States, is Not That Bad, even as the KKK are patting themselves on the back for this big win.

There are vulnerable people who need to know they can count on us.

We need to be better friends and neighbors than the ones my relatives had, and we need to organize and stand up as allies now, before there is a chance of too late.

Let’s be-and-do better.

So many of us are feeling the grief of not knowing how, but we have to start somewhere, so let’s figure out what somewhere might look like, let’s blow on sparks.

Here is a poster that that West Coast Craft is distributing for free.

It says:

ALLY of
ALL races
ALL religions
ALL countries of origin
ALL sexual orientations
ALL genders
I stand with YOU
You are SAFE and WELCOME in this home

If you have a home or business where you can post this, or you know anyone who can, if you can identify as an ally to someone who might really need to know where to turn in a moment of danger, if you can be that spark of light, please be that spark of light.

And if you can’t for some reason, please join me in breathing breaths and contemplating all possible available ways of glowing and channeling light sparks, because this is needed.

Voice.

I have been non-verbal for nearly four years, but today I am using my voice (yes, both meanings) and calling my representatives about Bannon.

People have been asking for years what would make me want to talk again, and I didn’t know, but now I do. This is important.

I used to think calling didn’t make a difference, but guess what, it does (read this!), so let’s get started.

If you’re not a resident of the United States, which I know constitutes a large chunk of people reading this blog, you can still help by sharing on social media as a way to remind people who are in the states that this is the time to get loud.

Here’s the important information:

1. The very useful We’re His Problem Now spreadsheet tells you who to call and what to say.
2. Again, here’s why calling matters and is more effective than commenting on social media.
3. Here is a spreadsheet of companies that support Trump or do business with him. I don’t know how effective this can be but this is all new territory, and any way to use our voices is a start.
4. Sign this petition about Bannon from the SPLC (Southern Poverty Law Center). 153,000 people signed the first day and we need more. And here’s the Change.org petition.
5. We can be vigilant about the power of fake news and not agree to let people we know spread it. Here’s a list of problem sites, and here are tips from Melissa Zimdars, professor of communication and media.

EDIT: Another good resource is this syllabus via @Wolven on Twitter, which I arrived at by way of the amazing @AlyssaHarad.

Yes, these may be small things, and yes, they are not enough, and we have to start somewhere.

What is next?

There is no business as usual.

We have to focus on whatever it is we can do.

Many people have gotten in touch this week to say that Fluent Self techniques are saving them right now, the thing that is helping them maintain mental stability and emotional well-being. And I am holding onto this so hard on the days when I feel helpless, vulnerable, terrified, when I think that nothing I can do or say matters.

We matter.

We matter in ways we don’t know. I’m sure my professor doesn’t remember the day he told us that he didn’t have answers but I bet everyone who was there does. We can’t know how much we can change history by taking a stand, through being vulnerable, in our grief, using our voices to call for action, but we can keep faith and do it anyway.

What do I know about this week’s wish?

It is about passion and presence.

It is much less about doing what we think is expected of us, and much more about following the pull of what calls us.

It is about a new kind of provocation — in Tel Aviv we expected Professor Malkin to deliver some thoughtful response that would provoke us into thinking about the world in a different way. And he did. Except he provoked us into thinking differently through not having a response, and being beautifully open and honest about this.

It is up to us to make the world a better place before it becomes a seriously terrifying place. Our work is cut out for us.

And, as said, sometimes that work is fiercely taking care of ourselves and our loved ones, and sometimes that work is listening for the call of what am I feeling passionately about.

Sometimes that work is asking how we can best serve, and sometimes that work is listening listening listening listening.

What do I want?

I want to be a fierce powerful striking panther and a glowing star.

I want to be an olympian, focusing on the next four years of work and training.

I want us to find out just how powerfully can we focus on what we want, our Towards and our Fierce Determination.

I want to dive into last week’s wish about legacy and what I want to echo.

Anything else I know about my wish?

Peace. Peace. Peace.

Echoing and reverberating.

Stand up and be counted.

Presence and prowess.

Taking up space. Ringing the bells.

Agency. Fierce determination.

Fierce and forward, moving towards.

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

we remember that people vary and my wishes don’t have to be yours, each process is unique, and this is a good thing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

What’s been working? What do I want to play with….

Fierce Determination — as salve, as quality, as battlecry.

And: one day at a time.

Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

• The people of the united states revealed true colors this week, not the most attractive ones, and now we all live with the consequences, in the best case for the next four years, and I refuse to consider other cases. Though, hey, we all refused to consider this, and now here we are. Breathing for any form of hopefulness, may it reveal itself.
• As @KenTremendous said: “America, in its collective wisdom, has elected a vain, violent, ignorant, sexist bully as our President. Not everyone who voted for Trump is a racist, or a misogynist. But they did vote *for* a racist and a misogynist.” Yes. That happened, right here, and it was (is) exhausting, depressing, awful. Breathing.
• Noticing my intense desire, as it goes in times of deep grief, for someone to blame. I mean, yes I know I could just be mad at racist, sexist, unbearably complacent white America, as well as the unexamined sexism of everyone who would have absolutely voted for HRC had she been a man. But instead I’m mad at Bernie bros, and everyone who voted third party, and Snowden for encouraging them to, and Comey for the worst possible timing, and every newspaper that was like oh lalala just trying to show both sides here instead of denouncing fascism and bigotry at every opportunity. Stirring stew here, and ready to stop. Ready to riot. Breathing for reclaiming power.
• Shaun King has been collecting reports of violence against minorities in the first days after the election, and it is absolutely horrifying, and oh, dark days are here sooner than expected, and we have a lot of work to do, you guys. Breathing fierce power for our work.
• Me: Man, today is seriously not fun. Agent Spalding: I’ve lost the ability to think clearly about reality. Me: Ditto. I just feel hungover and dizzy. Breathing for regaining the ability to think clearly, may it return soon.
• I am in a town of four thousand white people who are all in a suspiciously good mood, and I want to scream. Pickup trucks flying the American flag. People who are in no danger of being deported or worse saying things like “maybe now we can all just get along”. Smug old white dudes talking loudly about how Sonia Sotomayor doesn’t know the Constitution. Right. Fury and rage and sadness and so many feelings. Breathing for healing.
• And in case you were wondering what came of the mouse in motorhome situation, well, it turned into seven mice in the motorhome.
• The things that usually make me feel better (writing in the cafe, walking in the desert at sunset) have not been working at all. A breath.
• I don’t remember what else happened this week. So let’s breathe. Oh right. Clocks changed. It is dark and horrible and I hate it. Breathing for light.
• Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!

• Relieved to be out in the wilderness under the stars where it is quiet and beautiful. Breathing appreciation.
• Sleeping in. Breathing thankfulness.
• Writing helps. The cowboy said, “Glad you’re writing to get through the ugly.” Yes, that is a good way of putting it. Breathing for finding our ways through the ugly.
• On the hard day, went to the movie theater because I needed to be somewhere else, and the only thing showing was the Middle School movie, which I kind of assumed would be terrible, but it was wonderful and I loved it and I cried through the whole thing, but I also really needed to cry, and I laughed a lot, out loud, because it was also very funny. Funny and sweet and sad and sweet, and also funny. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. A breath for unexpected sources of comfort, reassurance and grace.
• Dreaming up dreams with the cowboy. A breath for the many things that are possible.
• Thankful for the big outpouring of love and support for this online space. Looks like we can keep the lights on for the next three months, which is at least a start, even though I don’t know what happens after that. Glad for this. Breathing for magic.
• A super scary thing happened and I was so brave and took care of it, and I get a hundred billion trillion sparklepoints for taking care of me. Breathing.
• Agent Sloan said, on that first awful day, “There is only one day that is this day”, and she was right. Each day a little easier, because I am moving from grief into Fierce Determination and Fiery Grace, and we are going to use this awful situation as a catalyst for channelling our most badass superpowers so hard, we are going to act, because that is the only option. Breathing fierceness.
• Focused on what I want. Let’s do this. Breathing expansiveness.
• Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of my imaginary dance crew, learning two new moves on the balance board, training for the olympics (proxy), dessert in the desert. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers.

Last week I asked for surprise perfect solutions that are so beautiful I clap my hands in delight. And I still want this. I also want to own Fierce Determination so fully and powerfully that it glows for miles.

May it be so.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

What do we do on dark bleak days?

Does it matter which dark bleak days we are talking about?

No, because the protocol is the same
in all cases of dark bleak days
and so we focus on the protocol.

And, at the same time…
of course we acknowledge all forms of darkness and bleak
because acknowledgment is part of the protocol
as is breathing and noticing: what is here?

Remembering the protocol.

You are invited to follow along with me, and of course
change up the order, in any way that suits you,
with additions and subtractions,
as works best for you,
because People Vary and the only important protocol
is whatever works best for you,
this is only one possible example of a protocol,
my process, today.

Noticing.

What does noticing look like? Like this:

Oh yes wow okay look at all this darkness.

Noticing (i)

Here we are in the dark and bleak days of adjusting to this new political reality,
wherever you are in the world, I assume you are reeling
right along with us, on the day-after-election-day
in the not especially united states of Oh Shit What Just Happened.

The unthinkable happened last night, and, possibly,
more unthinkable is coming, who knows,
but there it is: bleakness, apprehension, a tightening,
here we are, dark days.

If you are at all a highly sensitive person, you also may feel all too intensely
the big surging waves of this volatile energy
the pulsating fear-anger-uncertainty of the collective,
and for sure we are all suffering from the Global Hangover effects right now…

And if you aren’t someone who feels everything
your hangover sensations might be more subtle though possibly also more disorienting,
in part because they can be so much harder to pick up on.

Either way, there is a lot going on
out there in the world
and it has a very real impact on how we experience ourselves,
the resonance of our internal worlds,
it is useful to remember this, even when it is painful,
and this is why we pause and notice.

Noticing (ii)

Hello very dark days that come with the changing of the clocks,
when evening arrives with such suddenness,
earlier than anticipated, impossibly early, and seems to stretch on forever,
what do I notice here?

Mainly how profound the impact is
of external on internal.

Noticing the foggy confusion in mind and body, the resistance,
the way I don’t want to get out of bed,
and how at the same time I long to be outdoors
wanting to soak up as much light as possible.

Noticing perceptions of narrowing, tightness (physical and emotional)
that pre-anxiety anxiety from long ago:
what if the light doesn’t come back…

But we do not stop at noticing.

The purpose of noticing is to serve as a door,
it gives us a place to enter.

I practice noticing for two reasons:

1. It forces me to pause and I get to interrupt the habit-patterns of the mind through pausing.
2. I can use this interruption to buy enough time to remember the next step: apply Compassion to everything I notice.

[An important point of clarity here!]

Compassion is not a negation of justified fury,
of course we are still allowed to feel furious as well as deeply sad and troubled.

Compassion includes making space for the fury-sadness to be what it is,
not about tamping down emotion.

What else do we know about Compassion?

Compassion is a surprisingly powerful ingredient,
it should always be directed internally before externally
(put on your own oxygen mask first),
and there are infinite ways to apply it…

What does it mean to add compassion to the noticing? How do we do this?

We do this through acknowledgment and legitimacy:
Everything I am feeling makes sense.
Darkness (physical and existential, felt and symbolic)
does have very real effects on body and mind and body-mind.

All this emotional turmoil and chaos is valid and understandable,
these feelings that I am feeling, all of them, are legitimate things to feel,
they might not be fun, and I can remember that they are not all-powerful.

These feelings do not constitute the wholeness of who I am,
they are a (temporary) experience, and through the act of intentionally acknowledging them,
giving legitimacy to this not-fun moment,
I am agreeing to let these feelings (temporarily) exist — if I can, as I can.

And I am doing this intentionally, as a way of being present with life and aliveness, to the best of my ability.

And we get a hundred billion trillion sparklepoints for doing this.

A hundred billion trillion sparklepoints for being human beings who feel feelings!

Or, if we find ourselves in a state of numbness and absence-of-feeling,
then we get a hundred billion trillion sparklepoints for noticing that,
we acknowledge the good intentions behind those old defense-mechanisms
(yep, there they go, triggering pre-emptive shut-down in times of pain).

Either way, we’re doing the best we can in a difficult moment, and acknowledging this is important.

Pathways.

I am not a helpless compilation of my thoughts and feelings
I am something much bigger than that,
I am the sanctuary which houses my thoughts and feelings
and I am the interior designer of my interior spaces
with the ability to observe my thoughts and feelings, to interact with them,
making space for them to exist,
and making pathways for them to move through me.

Permission, acknowledgment, legitimacy:

Here we are in this hard and painful moment,
it is genuinely crappy and not fun,
we are allowed to be where we are,
we are allowed to not like it one bit.

We name our feelings (hello, rage and pain and apprehension and regret and fear).
We make room for them to exist.
We add compassion and we keep adding compassion.

What comes from compassion?

Compassion allows for spaciousness.
It lets us come closer to ourselves through separating out
from what is not ours.

Examples of making space through compassion:

Oh hey I am experiencing this intense hangover sensation
and I want to blame the glass of wine I had last night
and poor sleep and panicking over election results…

Oh hey I am experiencing panicky fear and
overwhelming numb depression…

But how much of this is global hangover and other people’s stuff,
and how much truly belongs to me?

Ah, okay, five percent is my own emotional chaos-state, and the rest
belongs to the collective,
so I can return it
or let it channel straight into the earth
to be broken down and return to its purest components
it’s just energy

and I am not required to hold the hangover energy of the world
I am not required to take on the sadness of the world,
which does not serve the world and does not serve me.

How else do we add compassion?

What would my body truly find most comforting and reassuring, in this moment,
what is the most nourishing, loving way I can take care of myself in this moment?

How can I best take care of my homes —
my body, my mental and emotional well-being, my physical surroundings,
the kingdom of my internal worlds?

How can I best apply love?

Permission, spaciousness, acceptance, love, self-treasuring. Extreme self-care.
What do I find calming and restful, and can I bring so much intention and kindness to whatever it is.

The poison is also the antidote.

The reason I feel miserable and hopeless in the dark, bleak days is because of how
external factors of [dark and bleak] have altered
both my internal space and how I perceive myself in my space.

When this happens, I am reminded of past [dark and bleak] times,
and current experience of [dark and bleak] is amplified by Then.

At the same time, my body, which knows only right-now,
lives by the lizard-brain / infant-brain logic of
[what I feel right now is probably what I will feel forever]
[how things are in this moment now is how they will be forever]

But once I recognize and remember this relationship between internal and external,
I can apply all the wisdom of Very Interior Design.

Very Interior Design.

I can alter my internal environment through changing something in my external, or vice versa.

And I can use anything at my disposal
and on any level (physical, energy, emotional, mental, spiritual)
to make adjustments to both internal and external,
as well as how I am inside of them,
how I play inside of them and how I perceive myself inside of them.

Power and play.

Today I am interacting with dark-and-bleak through
+ Noticing (also known as Awareness)
+ Legitimacy
+ Compassion
+ Presence
+ Comfort

But also through anything and everything I can muster to
bring new light and perspective to any aspect of my internal and external space.

For example, things like Widdershins and
Change Your Place Change Your Luck,
appreciating flowers,
applying color / adding mantra / skipping stones,
wrapping myself in a cloak of stars,
using words to rename and recharge,
setting off on proxy missions,
all while making space for me to feel what I am feeling
and release what everyone else is feeling.

Back to noticing.

Okay, so my protocol today looks something like this:

+ I Am Noticing (aka presence)
+ Applying Legitimacy (aka add compassion to the noticing)
+ What does Extreme Self Care look like, for me, in this moment right now?
+ How can I use the relationship between External and Internal Space to glow more light?

Whatever I find helpful or useful, I do more of that.
Whatever isn’t working today, I do less of that.

I keep playing with this.
And I trust that play and presence will show me what is next.
This is a form of rallying.

On dark bleak days, I rally.

Yes, I rally in the sense of finding my way through
but also in the sense of going on retreat, making a safe container for
everything I want to work on.

I try to remember that bleakness is — or can be, if I let it,
a sparking point, a catalyst/crucible for my projects and my passions.

And I remind myself that everything that happens during the container of my rally
is a part of the rallying,
even the crappy parts,
I can use them for good when I am ready,
they are not taking me away from my mission,
they are bringing me back to my mission.

What else can we do on dark bleak days.

On dark deep days I prioritize
deep self-nourishing (and second breakfast) above all else.

I refuse to let the global hangover cloud my own clarity:
this hopelessness is not mine, or at least it is not just mine,
and each of us can politely refuse to carry the anxiety of the entire world,
and tend to our own gardens, our places of power and passion.

I am calling on a brand new force field made of
Glowing My Power and Wild Clarity and Imperviousness, yes,
dressing myself in new garments,
a mantle of determination and intensity, a crown of steadiness and grace.

Towards.

Time to channel big wild intense Clarity with passion and a plan.
I am asking for a new mysterious project to find me,
a new Incoming Me to advise me,
preferably a four year project,
like my own form of olympic training or maybe this is what I meant once upon a time
in my wish about the iditarod…

Committed to showing up more and harder,
with steady powerful passion and presence,
integrity and focus,
keeping my own light on, attuned to my wild glow,
taking care of myself to the best of my ability,
keeping my eyes on TOWARDS.

A clue.

Yesterday I received a beautiful clue about
how working towards what I do want and working against what I do not want
is not the same energy.

Is this true? Maybe. I believe there is a time and a place for all of it,
but right now I want to be in A Big Clarity of Towards.

And to do this, I am applying all the protocols of self-fluency.
We take care of ourselves, we explore and investigate (with curiosity and love) the
important questions of life in the best detective agency that has ever been.

Investigations of Curiosity and Love.

For example:

• How can we best take care of ourselves in dark, bleak days?
• How can we access our own ner tamid, light eternal, and other forms of
  beautiful new power sources?
• What do I need right now, in this moment, and how do I give it to myself?
• What needs to be eliminated and what needs to be illuminated?

Asking, listening, taking exquisite care of ourselves, moving towards.

Writing.

I am writing a post today, an exhibit for the gallery, instead of doing any of [the other things]
because the only way I can feel better on this dark bleak day is if
these concepts that constitute my work, the things I practice every day,
can somehow be a source of light and lightness,
whether in the form of comfort, focus, service or even mystery
(maybe the words collected here challenge people and that is okay too)
maybe we can all challenge ourselves to
take another pause, a deeper breath,
channel a moment of attentiveness, and love,
directed inward,
glowing out.

Invitation / how we play here…

We practice Safety First, and remember that safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

We remember that People Vary, my process does not have to be yours, each of us is unique, and this is a good thing, we make room for feeling what we feel and take responsibility for what is ours.

We can share appreciation and !!!! or anything sparked for us while reading.

Here’s how we meet each other and ourselves here: with kindness and appreciation.

♡

Echoing

We are in the month of Echoing, and I feel
tingly excitement and an almost overwhelming vastness of possibility
somewhere between thrill (I want to dance!)
and apprehension (I want to hide!)
an entire colony of butterflies inside me
oh wow this big newness this intensity of feeling

And so here is a grounding stone to skip
something to reverberate…

What do I want to echo?

What do I want to echo?

Clarity. Resonance. Spark. Presence: I am here.

Presence like grounded awe and grace, like a glowing ray of light and this breath now.

And presence like panther presence. Something striking and powerful and vitally alive.

Answers and questions.

What else about echo?

Echo like clap back. Echo as community.

This is related to my wishes about companionship and about legacy. I want people to play with in self-fluency, as equals, I don’t want to be the teacher or the guru or the one in the front of the room.

And I want the fullness of my [body of work] to be documented, to exist in one place, in a clear form. That way people can throw themselves into study and play without needing me at all, they can go as deep as they like, to take as much or as little as they want in a given moment.

What else do I know about this?

Mmmmm. I kind of like how this particular flavor of wish as stated above doesn’t answer my biggest (current) question.

Ha, current questions. That is a lovely double meaning. Questions that are of this moment right now, and questions that have spark, a powerful charge, and questions of funding and currency.

Let’s investigate this BCQ (Biggest Current Question), and invoke all the superpowers of current and flow.

Noticing…

My intention in writing this wish was to reveal some clarity on my biggest question (BCQ!), but it turns out that my wise wish knows how to sidestep that question with elegance and grace….

So here’s to all the superpowers of the Graceful Sidestep, which is itself an important principle in the practice of self-fluency and very interior design.

My BCQ —biggest! current! question! — until very recently at least, was this, or at least I thought it was:

Should I stay or should I go? After nearly twelve years of this business and the past four impossibly hard years, what happens next?

This might be a monster question but it’s still a question: let’s say I devote the next year as planned to Last Experiments in discovering if it is possible to make this business a sustainable enterprise, and it doesn’t work, what then?

Or would it make more sense to go get a job-job for a while in something I happen to be very good at — for example, copywriting, editing, marketing for anyone who is not me — and find out what it’s like to not be on the edge?

If I go into logic-mind…

Alright, the latter is definitely not 120% yes. I know this from experience: when I give up on a true yes and take a long meandering side path that might point me in that direction eventually, I end up just losing sight of my spark.

And once my actual yes is out of sight, I invariably compromise on a medium-yes. Or I get sucked into the day-to- day bullshit of the rigged game and forget to check in with my new true yes of the present moment.

On the other hand, as we were forced to get very clear on last week, it is also not my yes to keep the business afloat at my own expense, which at this point isn’t something I can do anymore even if I wanted to.

But/and: Logic-mind isn’t where the answer to this lives. Logic-mind is just where I grind wheels and get lost in pros-and-cons of on the one hand and on the other hand. This is just fiddling details, and they aren’t even necessarily grounded in true yes.

The actual answers (or, better: the clues) live in truth-mind, that is: turning inward, getting quiet, immersing in body-heart-mind knowing. Truth-mind offers me something else entirely.

What does truth say? What does wise, loving, patient Incoming Me say?

(1) It isn’t about staying or going at all.

It doesn’t matter what you do, Havi Bell, because either way, your yes is to catalogue and preserve your legacy. Your legacy is what you want to echo. It is your bell. It is the work of your life and it is time to let it come into form.

So whether you stay and devote yourself to the well-being of the gallery or you seek external support in the form of [salary], or any other option, this is your beacon. Resonate.

(2) It’s time to allow what you live to be downloaded into form.

When this legacy is in place, you can absolutely stay and play if that is your yes, which it may well be. We still feel sparks there. We still have great love for community and play.

Or maybe you will then wish to pursue a new yes calling to you, but either way, your body of work is asking to be preserved in form, this is your devotion, your desire, your unique contribution to the universal sea of shared wisdom.

Legacy is what lives beyond. Putting your focus here solves all questions of doors of entry versus doors of exit. This is what you wish to echo. So let it echo through you.

(3) You have spent the past two years learning about freedom.

Freedom as spiritual quality and the freedom in letting go of [oh pretty much everything]. Creative freedom and more freedom in your days, the treasure of freedom in relationships. Even freedom in dance, a very specific kind of freedom that comes from form, technique, discipline, intention and big wild presence.

Now the time has come to learn about a new freedom.

You need to not only learn about but prioritize financial freedom — or, really, for right now just some form of financial afloat-ness to get you through the period of Preserving Legacy aka allowing it to come into form.

Because that’s the only way you can document the collection of what you know, not just as blog posts of concepts and ideas here and there, but the body of work.

You can’t do this the way you are living now where your resources of attention go to where you will be staying when and for how long, and living on miracles.

It is time to prioritize stability. You need a better foundation for your work of echoing. Ask for it and expect it.

I sit with this and skip some stone questions…

Me: Okay, interesting. So essentially, we just need something to pay the bills and hold down the fort while I document [Legacy]. That something can be the Friends of Museum option, when we let that into the world. Or a new foundation. Or possibly that something is a new solution I haven’t met yet.

And then this legacy either allows for a new way to have a business, a way for the Gallery to be self-sustaining, or it lets me to find some new way to support myself while still knowing that the library of my work lives on.

That is useful to know. It still doesn’t alleviate my monster-fears of What If It Doesn’t Work. It is a start though.

Wisest me: I honestly don’t think it matters. There isn’t a time limit.

Me: How can you say there isn’t a time limit when we are out of funds? Even with being vulnerable and asking, and this amazing outpouring of love and support, it’s still only enough to make it a few more months. There clearly is a limit but you say there isn’t.

Wisest me: There isn’t.

Me: I don’t get it.

Wisest me: Everything you are going through is legitimate, my bell love, all the apprehension, pain, fear, excitement, passion, all of it. It all makes sense and it is all temporary and it is all just right.

And you are quite correct that yes, on the physical plane of course there are limits, even the most basic one: one day we will cease to exist in this body form. The time will come for the long nap. And, at the same time, that’s not the only plane.

There is also another truth, a truth that says there is time, there is plenty of [everything you need], there are beautiful surprise solutions emerging in every instant, and there is treasure and power and grace in this breath now, yes, in this moment of not knowing.

Wisest-me in a moment of channeling truth.

Receive the treasure of this moment of recognizing something true:

In order for you to do your work in this world, you need resources. This is a vital piece of truth that you’ve been neglecting in your passionate dedication to your work: you need to be supported, it is vital for you to have what you need in order to create, because what is creating if not being a clear channel.

When you recognize this, when you decide that it matters to have your day to day needs met in order to do your best work, this is also part of your legacy. More important than you know even.

Decide that it is important that you get paid, in one form or another. Prioritize that before all else, and focus on this now, because this is about harmony, truth-love, congruence, right relationship, and taking care of yourself. These are the important things of life.

You curate one of the most magical galleries on the planet, and doing this requires that you are able to access your state of creative genius, your wisest knowing. And if the gallery owner is constantly dealing with stuff like keeping the heat on in the winter, she cannot do her big creative magic.

If you are going to model what you teach, if you want to be a beacon of self-fluency, you need to prioritize your own well-being, you need to be done with letting the edge be your normal.

Back and forth.

Me: But that’s not why I want to document my legacy.
Wisest-me: Of course not. That is what will allow you to let your legacy take the form it wants to take.
Me: Okay, but I don’t even know how to do this.
Wisest-me: You don’t have to know yet. That’s not the point of wishing, babe. The point of wishing is to reveal your yes, let it be named with love, while creating the safest possible environment in which to want what you want.
Me: I really want a solution though. I feel impatient.
Wisest-me: I get that. It will be here. For now, commit to the wish and the wishing. This is a wish about Legacy, and making sure you have the resources to document your legacy is part of the beautiful glow-spark of the wish!

What else do I find inside my wish?

Hopefulness.
Receptivity.
Spark.
Excitement.

An overflowing thank you heart for the magnificence of all of it: everything that has come through me so far, all the incredible people who are here to play and celebrate with me. I cannot thank you enough, everyone who has given something to the cause. I have been crying all weekend with amazement about how many people care.

Looking forward to Six Month (Virtual) Rally/Retreat, even if monsters are doubtful about whether this can buy enough time for the mission of Legacy. I am excited about everything I am currently writing, the gallery, positive change.

I want to trust that clarity is enough, and that whatever emerges from this wish will be so beautiful, so right, and, like every other wish I have wished here in all these years of wishing, it will point me with love to the next step.

Anything else about my wish?

It feels almost unbearably vulnerable
(which, hey, that’s how wishes work sometimes)
to share about this at all
I don’t know what else I want to make safety around it
or what I want to do with this wish.

Other than wish it and
release it into the world.

382 weeks.

That is how long I have been writing weekly wishes here.

They have all come true in some form,
because they are true,
because they launch me towards my truth,
and because I do not ask for candyland bullshit,
my ask is always about process and discovery,
learning about my relationship with the essence of what I want,
calling in the qualities that will help me embody it.

One day, maybe as part of the work of legacy,
I will revisit all the past wishes and
see just how much love-joy-magic-power they have glowed into the world.

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

we remember that people vary and my wishes don’t have to be yours, each process is unique, and this is a good thing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡