What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
View of the road / the wandering wishbook
Idaho is pretty.
My hips still don’t like to sit unless it’s on the grass with my notebook, so we are going to do week 374 of wishing wishes by peeking at the wishbook!
The Wandering Wishbook of Stella the Star
I wish to name my wishes, to trace the sparks of my desire…
Oh those whispered truths of 4am
What is clear?
What do I know about my wishes?
I see that I am wishing for Clarity in the form of…
- making space for my desire to make itself known
- remembering not to freak out — the clues are here!
- I want to get so clear that the obvious clues are obvious even before I ask to see them
- the path reveals itself/trust that the path is revealing itself
- clear intentions for trajectory (I may not know where I’m going or how I’m getting there but I can set a trajectory of qualities: Clarity, Intention, Trust, Glow)
- clear water, clear skies, clear headspace, less input and more intentional output, clear as a bell
- A clear view of the stars, and the ability to be aware of my own glow, my own sense of meaning inside of any given constellation in my life
Breathing for these wishes
Oh wow what beautiful wishes!
Come share yours.
As always, we keep this a gloriously safe space by meeting ourselves and each other with love, while adhering to the twin practices of not caretaking and not giving advice, assuming good intentions. Love from the road.
chicken in my notebook
Hello, week: we are here.
Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is week 424 of this ritual, and so we chicken. Also, my hips hurt which means I can’t sit and type, so I drew the chicken instead.
What’s been working? What do I want to play with?
Taking breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical.
Superpowers?
This week I had the power of not caring about the outcome, and I want the powers of pre-emptive entry aka the ability to quickly establish strong force fields.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not the weekend anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
and I’m off!
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 373rd week of wishing, come play!
and I’m off! (i)
this is the happy exclamation of the grand adventurer
off to be wild-and-free
somewhere new and beautiful
out there under the stars
it of course has other meanings
for example…
turning things off
I have exited the door and shut the lights
not available
there is no way to reach me
I’m done, I quit, going dark,
into the deep quiet
and I’m off (ii)
yesterday I took off for Boise, Idaho
with my four backpacks and my one-way ticket
it was the first time I haven’t felt nervous
about a big life change
just peaceful and clear
ready for whatever this is
I like it
after 131 days of being in between homes
ready for whatever new adventures await
and ready to be off
(and I’m off!)
a beautiful exit (i)
jordan gave me a ride to the airport
we danced in the car to A Long Walk
no need for words
no one planned this
just a moment of accidental angels in a constellation
a beautiful exit (ii)
I have an airport mantra that I whisper in my heart
and it makes me laugh:
I am a star and all doors open for me
all doors open for everyone at the airport
because they’re automatic doors
but I like circulating these words in me
letting them echo through the cathedral hall in my mind
wind their way through me
as I stride forward down the airport corridors
steadily crossing my imaginary finish line
feeling the rush of all doors opening just for me
naming the superpowers
what are the superpowers I want to call in or uncover
during operation wild freedom under the stars
what does a star require
what wisdom or suggestions does the me-at-the-close-of-this-chapter
have for me of right-now
what can I appreciate about the skills I have now
that allow me to be here now
stars (i)
ohmygod the stars here in Idaho
never have I seen even close to this many stars
not even when I lived in the northern negev desert
and we’d camp out in the wadi under that huge sky
thinking now about a wine bottle we buried there
stars (ii)
in the float tank I had a beautiful and startling vision
that showed me living inside of a planetarium
and there was no furniture, only a bathtub with
voluptuous curves
under the spectacular curving projected night sky
this felt exactly like that
except of course I still need a bathtub
and somewhere to put it
somehow I only just now got that
straight (i)
emily my sort-of-maybe-girlfriend not-a-girlfriend almost-girlfriend
from once upon a time used to make fun of me
for what she perceived to be my meandering paths
“you know, she’d say, with that laugh that I loved-loved-loved,
“or do you not know this, did you know
the shortest distance between two points
is a straight line”
but, I mean, who cares about straight,
lines or otherwise,
and who cares about whether or not the distance is shorter,
there is plenty of time and the most interesting path
is the one that draws me, not the one that has less length,
but I was so completely charmed by her
laughing happily each time she said it
when she broke up with me
there was this indescribable state of total
I don’t even know how to name it
— utter bewilderment in the face of loss? —
for months and months
life without her hand in mine and her
teasing about my unconventional trajectories
none of it made any sense
straight (ii)
last week the receptionist at my eye doctor said to me
“honey your problem is that you don’t look straight”
and I was like, wait what
I mean, come on, I feel like I successfully pull off a sort of
queer-lite low-femme probably-up-to-trouble kind of vibe
cute girls smile-flirt with me on the street
they know what’s up, they’re not slow
just not my type
(hey not everyone can be an emily)
but I definitely pass as straight too,
I’m at the very least medium-straight
so what are you even talking about
except haha it turned out she meant that
I kind of glance sideways in a way that
makes it more difficult to remove this new kind of contact lens
yes, okay, I have this sideways glance
and we are talking about my eyes
got it
and this is one of the many unsung (ha!)
benefits of being nonverbal
because that whole misunderstanding sorted itself out
in my head
which is considerably less embarrassing
than it could have been
lalala we’re good now
I am so very clear (i)
I have been obsessed with clarity lately, and all forms of clear
clearing out, clearing up, clear
like a bell
and this month’s superpower is
{I Am So Very Clear}
clearing the path so the path is clear
clear like after the rain
which is when the rainbows come out
and Awareness of Rainbows is my other superpower this month
and yes, I get how funny that is
because I didn’t mean that rainbow but of course that too because…
I am so very clear (ii)
whenever I heart-whisper my mantra of I Am So Very Clear
then Stella changes it to I Am So Very Queer
it’s her favorite joke
Stella is a star
she really is
get out and be (i)
while clearing things out in the basement storage room I found
a note from past-me
it says GET OUT AND BE HARD TO FIND
last week I wished a wish about
there are no doors for people to knock at
ahhhh yes
get out and be hard to find
this is also a wish about reducing input in all forms
get out and be (ii)
there is another meaning too though
about deep presence
and the conditions that make it possible to get out and be
that is my goal-desire for this time on the road:
get out and be
and this is hard to find
(get it? get out and be / this is hard to find)
because the game is rigged
and there is always somehow So Much To Do And Then Even More
even out in the middle of nowhere
so I need to make space for the just-being
to lovingly commit to being harder to find
what do I know about my wishes?
these are wishes of ENTERING
they’re about glow, trust, play, joy,
identity — of course, always,
and radiant boundaries
being a star among the stars
my shininess is ON and so
everything else can be off
(and I’m off!)
while I experiment with even deeper levels of quiet
even more intense commitment to my sparkliness,
and of course entirely new levels of awareness
of rainbows and everything else that asks for my
loving attention
the superpower of I Am So Very Clear
August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called Inventory
not sure how I would have packed without it
but it also helped me question a lot of the intangible things in my life
and release so much more than I ever thought possible
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
the chicken of subtract and then add
Hello, week: we are here.
Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is week 423 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working?
Adding the superpower of “AND IT’S FUN!” to all the other superpowers I invent. For example…..
I am able to set clear expectations and it’s fun! I am effortlessly relaxed and it’s fun! Everything can be solved by the rule Just Add Water, and it’s fun!
I might try…
Going for more clue walks.
Naming the days.
Celebrating behind! Rainbow glow. These are my (job) requirements. Polaris/dipper. Clear and at ease. I am a STAR. Even more clear.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Sixteen trillion monster-number of things to be done before I leave town in a few days for however many months. Breathing.
- Have reached that uncomfortably familiar state of pre-trip packing-paralyis where not only are there monster-number of things to do, but I am not doing any of them, just staring into space or diving into any available form of escape. Breathing compassion for me. It’s just a pattern, it has [Reasons], it is legitimate and understandable, and it will change and shift as I notice that I’m in it and make room for it to exist. It is changing right now because noticing the pattern changes the pattern.
- Haha, last week I wrote something about “examining my relationship with uncertainty”, and what I meant was something like [me + Uncertainty, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g]. But now I see how this could also be read as [I am examining my relationship, and I am examining it while feeling uncertain], which, okay, there is something there. Being in a Relationship in any sort of formal way is not my yes. I am a wild adventurer and I value my independence. But/also the faraway cowboy and I love each other deeply, and our beautiful unique NARBAR connection has its own culture. (NARBAR = Not A Relationship Better Than A Relationship.) Anyway, this week I had a moment about this, and was visited by waves and waves of pain from Then. Breathing for presence: Now Is Not Then. Now is new. Now is better.
- Speaking of my-relationship-with-uncertainty, monsters are convinced this trip is going to be canceled, which makes it even harder to get motivated to get things ready to take off, since they keep reminding me not to get my hopes up and “how stupid will you feel when you find out you fell for this ruse again, you’ve been falling for this since you were five years old, grow up already”. AGAIN is such a favorite monster-word, and therefore a good clue which makes it easy to recognize when monsters are monstering. Thank you, monsters, for trying to make sure that I am safe and loved. I also want to be safe and loved, so we share the same mission. How about we remember that we are safe, and we are loved (always, unconditionally, by all the selves, incoming me and past me and all versions of me, a whole community of Havi Bells who all wish me joy and protection, I am always okay). This is not my childhood. And this is not Berlin. This trip will either happen or it won’t, life will happen as it does, but I don’t need to spend my life thinking that adventure is about to be canceled or indefinitely postponed. Breathing for trust in life.
- Ohmygod my neighbor who falls asleep while listening to loud action movies, between his snoring and the bombs and shouting overhead, I am losing my mind. Breathing.
- Many mysteries related to the theme of Crown On. Firing someone. Reconfiguring agreements. Letting things go. Telling people what is not okay for me. Breathing for the ability to be steady in my grace, certain in my power.
- Big stress related to a number of things turning out to be considerably more expensive and time-consuming than anticipated, from website relaunch to dentist to pretty much everything, actually. Monsters are monstering and need a safe house. Breathing for ease, steadiness and surprise simple solutions.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The weather cooled and I’m fine now. Amazing. It never ceases to astound me how easy it is to fix a state of Havi-despair, given the right external conditions, and yet I consistently forget the intensity of the impact that weather, environment and [circumstances] have on me. Really, all I need is for it not to be a thousand degrees. Give me a cool breeze, maybe a light misting of rain, any reason to put on a thin sweater, and ta da! SOLVED. I am content again, at ease in the world. So apparently just need to move somewhere where there are no weather extremes to launch me into hopelessness? Hey, maybe that’s a plus to having no idea where I want to live or what I want to do. We can figure this out. Breathing joy.
- Mood shifted (see above), and I have energy again. The same things that were hard before are still hard — the migraines, the sleep deprivation, all of it, but I have energy now and a good mood, and they don’t get to me. Breathing pleasure.
- A vast sky of sweetness, sharing, passion and big wild love with the faraway cowboy. What an incredible thing to be able to let myself be this intensely vulnerable, honest and connected with someone. Breathing appreciation for the miracle of this.
- Had a secret Rally (Rally!) with some rally friends, and got SO MUCH DONE, like, months worth of things that have not been done just completed themselves elegantly. Breathing witchy magic and glow.
- I had a proxy mission of learning to be a star, and now I am a star, and all the clues about stars are landing. Stars and constellations and firmament and shining and all of it. Breathing star power and star magic
- Dance! Destroying it on the dance floor with new skills and superpowers, thanks to absolutely obscene amounts of practicing things that seem to be unrelated to dance but are actually very related to dance. It’s a very Karate Kid thing happening here. My dance teacher is a sneaky genius and so am I. Breathing fun because ohmygod this is fun.
- I was brave and did so many brave things, and all of them turned out fine and not scary. Handled the Department of Magical Voyages (the DMV) like a boss. Went to my eye exam and was very clear about what I want and do not want. Went line dancing at a country bar in Tualatin. Set clear expectations and boundaries in every part of my life. I am amazing. Breathing for brave me being brave.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of proxies, stones, unexpected superpowers, unexpectedly running into favorite people, wild epiphanies, non-metaphorical grilled cheese sandwiches. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the power of not tolerating discomfort (physical, emotional, mental, energy), and insisting on adjustments, as well as the superpower of finding this Ridiculously Easy and Beautifully Simple.
I did not expect this to work, but actually it did, because this week I righted all the things that weren’t working or didn’t feel good.
Powers I want.
I have to tell you something so funny. For the past week or so, I have been writing about Clarity and Clear Seeing and Everything Gets Clear and I Am Clear About What I Want and Just Add Water.
Then I flipped the fluent self 2016 calendar to September, and guess what this month’s superpower is? The superpower of I Am So Very Clear.
The Salve of I Am So Very Clear.
This salve lets you see what you want without losing your ground. This salve lets you see your beautiful glow without wanting to collapse inward and hide from the world. And this salve lets you safely share what you want to be seen, because it is “clear” in the sense of invisible and hidden, and clear like a clean window that lets light through, and clear like a mirror that reflects back, and clear like water in that it clears things.
This is a great salve for boundaries because it is protective and reflective (and fractal!) and because it helps you get clear on what you need, and express it clearly to others.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
Let’s Go Steal That Bridge
Their latest album is This New Feeling About Pink, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
inventory
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 372nd week of wishing, come play!
inventory
my theme right now is inventory
in both literal and theoretical ways
what do I want in my space
what do I know about what’s in my space
what do I want to invite in or ask to leave
aka which doors need to open or close or disappear
this is a very immediate wish
I bought a one-way ticket to Boise, Idaho
leaving in a week
with not much of a plan other than to
a) not be here
b) not stay there
I have been promised hot springs
there may be a road trip to Kentucky
adventures will be adventured:
operation wild freedom under the stars
so I need to know what I have
to know what I might bring
this wish is external/internal
because I need to
provision myself for every possible kind of weather,
— ha, yes, weather could be external and internal too —
being very selective in my choices;
it all has to come with me on a plane
but there’s also the question of
what do I have — and want to have
in my mental/emotional/energy space
what circulates within me
what is the environment of my relationships
what is the environment of my thoughts
and again: that question about what needs to exit
can I show it the door
meaning
so, in that sense, this is a very conceptual wish
in addition to the part about
oh shit how do I pack for three months or more on the road
when I don’t know where I’m going
in every possible meaning of that
and I don’t even know what I have
because my stuff has been in boxes since january
what else about inventory
turning forty this year is a form of taking inventory
looking at my business legacy and what I want to leave
this is inventory
the question of [what is the water I swim in]
what do I surround myself with
not just in terms of objects and people
but ideas, concepts,
what is my normal
what is my edge
what is here
I want to always know exactly what I have
so I can want what I have
(more than want even, can I appreciate-celebrate what I have)
and let go of all the not-yeses
clear eyes clear heart
taking stock:
really, what is here
and do I even want it
aka the contents of my basement room of boxes, but really I mean
all the symbolic, metaphorical and energy reverberations of these questions
what else?
time for newness in all things
I can feel this
what else?
I want to live on a houseboat
this is a proxy but also not a proxy
maybe this is related to the dream of the round house
which still calls to me
I want to find, meet, or reveal my just-right door
and build my home around that door
which only I can see
I want my space to glow and be invisible
refracting light like rainbows off a prism
there are no doors for people to knock at
because I do not have any
and maybe I have wished this before in another form
what do I know about my wishes?
I am ready for this mission of [Inventory]
before was not the time, even yesterday was not the time,
because now is the time
and trusting this was right
the superpower of deep listening
August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and I just walked past a bar called Muse, oh it has been so good for me to listen deeply, now I hear something like footsteps, it must be the month of INTENTION coming to meet me…
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called what do I want to circulate
and this wish is a continuation of that
a new examining of what is in my space
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡