What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
the chicken of subtract and then add
Hello, week: we are here.
Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is week 423 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working?
Adding the superpower of “AND IT’S FUN!” to all the other superpowers I invent. For example…..
I am able to set clear expectations and it’s fun! I am effortlessly relaxed and it’s fun! Everything can be solved by the rule Just Add Water, and it’s fun!
I might try…
Going for more clue walks.
Naming the days.
Celebrating behind! Rainbow glow. These are my (job) requirements. Polaris/dipper. Clear and at ease. I am a STAR. Even more clear.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Sixteen trillion monster-number of things to be done before I leave town in a few days for however many months. Breathing.
- Have reached that uncomfortably familiar state of pre-trip packing-paralyis where not only are there monster-number of things to do, but I am not doing any of them, just staring into space or diving into any available form of escape. Breathing compassion for me. It’s just a pattern, it has [Reasons], it is legitimate and understandable, and it will change and shift as I notice that I’m in it and make room for it to exist. It is changing right now because noticing the pattern changes the pattern.
- Haha, last week I wrote something about “examining my relationship with uncertainty”, and what I meant was something like [me + Uncertainty, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g]. But now I see how this could also be read as [I am examining my relationship, and I am examining it while feeling uncertain], which, okay, there is something there. Being in a Relationship in any sort of formal way is not my yes. I am a wild adventurer and I value my independence. But/also the faraway cowboy and I love each other deeply, and our beautiful unique NARBAR connection has its own culture. (NARBAR = Not A Relationship Better Than A Relationship.) Anyway, this week I had a moment about this, and was visited by waves and waves of pain from Then. Breathing for presence: Now Is Not Then. Now is new. Now is better.
- Speaking of my-relationship-with-uncertainty, monsters are convinced this trip is going to be canceled, which makes it even harder to get motivated to get things ready to take off, since they keep reminding me not to get my hopes up and “how stupid will you feel when you find out you fell for this ruse again, you’ve been falling for this since you were five years old, grow up already”. AGAIN is such a favorite monster-word, and therefore a good clue which makes it easy to recognize when monsters are monstering. Thank you, monsters, for trying to make sure that I am safe and loved. I also want to be safe and loved, so we share the same mission. How about we remember that we are safe, and we are loved (always, unconditionally, by all the selves, incoming me and past me and all versions of me, a whole community of Havi Bells who all wish me joy and protection, I am always okay). This is not my childhood. And this is not Berlin. This trip will either happen or it won’t, life will happen as it does, but I don’t need to spend my life thinking that adventure is about to be canceled or indefinitely postponed. Breathing for trust in life.
- Ohmygod my neighbor who falls asleep while listening to loud action movies, between his snoring and the bombs and shouting overhead, I am losing my mind. Breathing.
- Many mysteries related to the theme of Crown On. Firing someone. Reconfiguring agreements. Letting things go. Telling people what is not okay for me. Breathing for the ability to be steady in my grace, certain in my power.
- Big stress related to a number of things turning out to be considerably more expensive and time-consuming than anticipated, from website relaunch to dentist to pretty much everything, actually. Monsters are monstering and need a safe house. Breathing for ease, steadiness and surprise simple solutions.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The weather cooled and I’m fine now. Amazing. It never ceases to astound me how easy it is to fix a state of Havi-despair, given the right external conditions, and yet I consistently forget the intensity of the impact that weather, environment and [circumstances] have on me. Really, all I need is for it not to be a thousand degrees. Give me a cool breeze, maybe a light misting of rain, any reason to put on a thin sweater, and ta da! SOLVED. I am content again, at ease in the world. So apparently just need to move somewhere where there are no weather extremes to launch me into hopelessness? Hey, maybe that’s a plus to having no idea where I want to live or what I want to do. We can figure this out. Breathing joy.
- Mood shifted (see above), and I have energy again. The same things that were hard before are still hard — the migraines, the sleep deprivation, all of it, but I have energy now and a good mood, and they don’t get to me. Breathing pleasure.
- A vast sky of sweetness, sharing, passion and big wild love with the faraway cowboy. What an incredible thing to be able to let myself be this intensely vulnerable, honest and connected with someone. Breathing appreciation for the miracle of this.
- Had a secret Rally (Rally!) with some rally friends, and got SO MUCH DONE, like, months worth of things that have not been done just completed themselves elegantly. Breathing witchy magic and glow.
- I had a proxy mission of learning to be a star, and now I am a star, and all the clues about stars are landing. Stars and constellations and firmament and shining and all of it. Breathing star power and star magic
- Dance! Destroying it on the dance floor with new skills and superpowers, thanks to absolutely obscene amounts of practicing things that seem to be unrelated to dance but are actually very related to dance. It’s a very Karate Kid thing happening here. My dance teacher is a sneaky genius and so am I. Breathing fun because ohmygod this is fun.
- I was brave and did so many brave things, and all of them turned out fine and not scary. Handled the Department of Magical Voyages (the DMV) like a boss. Went to my eye exam and was very clear about what I want and do not want. Went line dancing at a country bar in Tualatin. Set clear expectations and boundaries in every part of my life. I am amazing. Breathing for brave me being brave.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of proxies, stones, unexpected superpowers, unexpectedly running into favorite people, wild epiphanies, non-metaphorical grilled cheese sandwiches. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the power of not tolerating discomfort (physical, emotional, mental, energy), and insisting on adjustments, as well as the superpower of finding this Ridiculously Easy and Beautifully Simple.
I did not expect this to work, but actually it did, because this week I righted all the things that weren’t working or didn’t feel good.
Powers I want.
I have to tell you something so funny. For the past week or so, I have been writing about Clarity and Clear Seeing and Everything Gets Clear and I Am Clear About What I Want and Just Add Water.
Then I flipped the fluent self 2016 calendar to September, and guess what this month’s superpower is? The superpower of I Am So Very Clear.
The Salve of I Am So Very Clear.
This salve lets you see what you want without losing your ground. This salve lets you see your beautiful glow without wanting to collapse inward and hide from the world. And this salve lets you safely share what you want to be seen, because it is “clear” in the sense of invisible and hidden, and clear like a clean window that lets light through, and clear like a mirror that reflects back, and clear like water in that it clears things.
This is a great salve for boundaries because it is protective and reflective (and fractal!) and because it helps you get clear on what you need, and express it clearly to others.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
Let’s Go Steal That Bridge
Their latest album is This New Feeling About Pink, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
inventory
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 372nd week of wishing, come play!
inventory
my theme right now is inventory
in both literal and theoretical ways
what do I want in my space
what do I know about what’s in my space
what do I want to invite in or ask to leave
aka which doors need to open or close or disappear
this is a very immediate wish
I bought a one-way ticket to Boise, Idaho
leaving in a week
with not much of a plan other than to
a) not be here
b) not stay there
I have been promised hot springs
there may be a road trip to Kentucky
adventures will be adventured:
operation wild freedom under the stars
so I need to know what I have
to know what I might bring
this wish is external/internal
because I need to
provision myself for every possible kind of weather,
— ha, yes, weather could be external and internal too —
being very selective in my choices;
it all has to come with me on a plane
but there’s also the question of
what do I have — and want to have
in my mental/emotional/energy space
what circulates within me
what is the environment of my relationships
what is the environment of my thoughts
and again: that question about what needs to exit
can I show it the door
meaning
so, in that sense, this is a very conceptual wish
in addition to the part about
oh shit how do I pack for three months or more on the road
when I don’t know where I’m going
in every possible meaning of that
and I don’t even know what I have
because my stuff has been in boxes since january
what else about inventory
turning forty this year is a form of taking inventory
looking at my business legacy and what I want to leave
this is inventory
the question of [what is the water I swim in]
what do I surround myself with
not just in terms of objects and people
but ideas, concepts,
what is my normal
what is my edge
what is here
I want to always know exactly what I have
so I can want what I have
(more than want even, can I appreciate-celebrate what I have)
and let go of all the not-yeses
clear eyes clear heart
taking stock:
really, what is here
and do I even want it
aka the contents of my basement room of boxes, but really I mean
all the symbolic, metaphorical and energy reverberations of these questions
what else?
time for newness in all things
I can feel this
what else?
I want to live on a houseboat
this is a proxy but also not a proxy
maybe this is related to the dream of the round house
which still calls to me
I want to find, meet, or reveal my just-right door
and build my home around that door
which only I can see
I want my space to glow and be invisible
refracting light like rainbows off a prism
there are no doors for people to knock at
because I do not have any
and maybe I have wished this before in another form
what do I know about my wishes?
I am ready for this mission of [Inventory]
before was not the time, even yesterday was not the time,
because now is the time
and trusting this was right
the superpower of deep listening
August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and I just walked past a bar called Muse, oh it has been so good for me to listen deeply, now I hear something like footsteps, it must be the month of INTENTION coming to meet me…
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called what do I want to circulate
and this wish is a continuation of that
a new examining of what is in my space
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken 422 / a week of balancing on things
Hello, week: we are here.
Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is week 422 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working?
Change your place, change your luck. Feet on the ground.
I might try…
Asking for company.
Naming the days.
Ease of transition. When I put my house in order. Surprise good brew! New place new luck. Clarity lands. Circulating Light. Let’s do this.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- External circumstances disrupting sleep and causing physical discomfort/distress. I get it, I’m being redirected. I see the door marked exit opening for me. But in the meantime, need rest and a bed that doesn’t hurt my back. Solutions, please! A breath.
- Examining my relationship with uncertainty: how much I crave it but also how small-me loses her footing and needs to be scooped up with love. Many mysteries here. A breath of presence.
- My entire childhood was spent believing we were about to move countries at any moment, which then never happened, and as an adult, I have a tendency to unconsciously operate by “hmmm I’ll believe it when I see it”. Unsurprisingly, making plans for adventuring from this mindset is difficult, and I am discovering so much trust-pain in my heart. Breathing for now is not then.
- A wistful wish: I want to live near friends and wander over to their house for tea like in tel aviv. Feeling sad and dissatisfied about this chopped up online life, everyone I care about is in a different time zone, busy with life-stuff, and we miss out on each other. And I see the pull of social media as a sort of substitute — snapshots of what people are seeing, thinking, hoping, eating, but it doesn’t work for me. I want to be out under the stars with the people I love. A breath.
- Things I do not like that are a regular part of my life right now: extreme heat, mosquitos, the migraine that apparently will not end until I restore my crown. Also, as always, sexism, everywhere and in all things, and the way it somehow never loses its power to deflate all the balloons in the parade, which of course is why it exists. All the -isms and unquestioned power structures. A breath for this.
- Situation that was already the worst has reached entirely new levels of What Fresh Hell Is This. I am hearing the no loud and clear but still don’t see the bridge. A breath for speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions.
- Sensory overwhelm making it so difficult to be in the world. A breath.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Not being on twitter is delicious. It feels exactly like not smoking: ahhh so much more air, so much more spaciousness, combined with “oh right, I need a new way to take breaks”. Lovely to just not know about the toxic awful things circulating in the world. Obviously there are enormous quantities of magic beans of privilege involved that allow me to close the door to the bad news of the world, but oh how much highly sensitive me needed this. A breath for closing more doors.
- Four days with my uncle, living in his world, which makes so much sense to me. He has no plans. Everything is quiet. He does what he wants, which is not much. We wander the woods and swing on the swings and pick blackberries and balance on things and visit a dog. We laugh a lot. Nothing needs to be said. He naps in the sun like a cat. We make salad for dinner and eat outside in rocking cheers and are visited by baby deer. A breath for all of this.
- I want to live like he does. Writing, wandering, stretching, napping. Everything in his space is wood or cloth or metal. There is no plastic in sight and everything has a different vibration than in the rest of the world. He knows about sanctuary. He has almost no needs, and they are covered by renting out his place. A breath for reminders of what I want.
- My instincts were right about the misunderstanding with the cowboy being just that. He came back four days early from his trip into the mountains and we sorted it out easily, with big love. A breath for trust love.
- Incoming me is wise, and all I need to do is ask. A breath of appreciation.
- Went dancing in Eugene, and had the loveliest time. Will never run out of awe for how unlikely dance magic is, to take the hand of a total stranger and be able to share three minutes of joyful creative play, the ease of communication, the delight in inventing something together in the secret language of dance. A breath of gratitude for all my panther training.
- I named a day Clarity Lands, and it did. A breath for the magic of naming.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of lightness, being welcome, ginger soda, having what I needed when I needed it. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of Feet On The Ground, which is fascinating because I forgot that I seeded this, and then undid the lifelong habit of crossing my legs.
And I asked for a mute button, and fewer people thought I was mute this week.
Powers I want.
In the gokhale workshops, they say something like “your body will not be able to tolerate being uncomfortable any more, it will ask you to adjust”, which is amazing and also scary-wonderful.
Like, what if this happens on all levels? What if I no longer tolerate emotional discomfort, mental discomfort, energy discomfort, and insist on making the necessary crown-on adjustments? This thrills me and terrifies me, and I would like the superpower of finding this Ridiculously Easy and Beautifully Simple.
The Salve of Ridiculously Easy and Beautifully Simple
This is a salve of easing and releasing, echoing and reverberating, and it will make you bubble up with laughter.
This might also be the best ever fractal flower salve.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Pamela, who is hands-down the funniest person I know, even though I am never sure if she is trying to be or not. I am also appreciating that the band in this chicken was named for a rooster, which for some reason hits me right in the funny bone.
Too Handsome To Die
Their latest album is Unexpected Flags, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
what do I want to circulate
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 371st week of wishing, come play!
the briefest of wishes
I absconded to Eugene, sans laptop,
unsure if/when I might return
actually unsure about a lot of things,
maybe most things,
hence the sudden absconding,
and the act of [not-bringing my work] felt bold and
more than slightly terrifying
anyway, here we are with brief wishes
calling in the superpower of
knowing that [what is] is just right
aka Trust
breathing more breath
Esther Gokhale’s words keep reverberating in me:
“did you know some people
breathe just enough to stay alive?”
may I breathe full deep yes-to-life breaths (when I can)
taking in breath consciously (when I can)
with love (when I can)
circulating what I want to circulate
what do I want to circulate
in my internal world — body and thoughts and wishes
and in the world around me
including here
can I be someone who circulates light and lightness
is there something in this too about encircling
the circle that allows the circulating
a force field of glowing boundaries
my light circulates within
what is it like to be a star
and be Quick
through Slowness
that is a good question for this week’s wishes
illusory, again
I just don’t know what I want, I told my uncle,
making a face
oh that’s okay, he said, no one does,
knowing is illusory, and so is wanting
superpower of oh that’s okay then
easing, up
ease up the jaw clenching and all forms of clench
effortless relaxed upright steady
at ease in my superpowers:
Feet On The Floor
Majestically Grounded, Sitting Tall, Tail Unfurling Gloriously Behind Me
I Get My Powers From The Ground
I Get My Powers From My Light
I Get My Powers From My Quiet Presence
what do I know about my wishes?
they are about letting clarity land
which often involves applying the protocol of Extreme Self Care
and always involves trusting:
this moment of [not-knowing] is okay
it is safe to be in the uncertainty
even when I don’t like it
hello, void
this is where the stars are born
the superpower of deep listening
last month was HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody, and August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and that is exactly what I am doing
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called New Adventures Await,
and last night I bought a one-way ticket to
Boise, Idaho
my life is a country song!
but I feel tingly-excited because
buying a one-way ticket is maybe my favorite thing
and my You-Are-Not-Adventurous monsters are looking at their feet sheepishly
so there
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
let the ocean take it
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is where we chicken.
Thank you, week! Or maybe not. Or as close as I can get to that.
Some weeks are harder to say thank you to.
Some weeks, I just want to wrap up the week in a shroud and drop it into the middle of the ocean, and cry.
Some weeks I don’t have the thank you in me, but you know what? We have been doing this for four hundred and twenty one weeks in a row now, and either I will find-or-remember the good in this week (of which I am sure there was plenty, I am just not in the mindset for it), or something else will happen.
That is what the space of ritual is for: experiencing what is. And sometimes [what is] is not the most fun. Zeh ma yesh, as we say in hebrew. That’s what we’ve got. Also known as baby that’s how it is right now.
What’s been working?
Many things. Deleting most of the contacts from my phone — everyone who doesn’t make me smile from ear to ear with delight upon seeing their name has to go.
Renaming everyone else so that their name matches how I think of them: Va is a badass. Laura is a sailor. Dar hunts for treasure. Audrey photographs rodeos. Agent Spalding: favorite robot.
I might try…
I don’t know what to try right now. I think that is because I didn’t leave town when I needed to leave town, and then it was too late to solve the mysteries because I was in them. I am going to try leaving town.
Naming the days.
This was the week of new adventures await and these were the days.
Ready to glow clarity. Let there be lightness. Il dolce far niente aka the sweetness of doing nothing. Effortless visible movement. Palace in progress. Star power. The star is here.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Time to put my house in order.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The mystery of 103 degrees fahrenheit (39.5 celsius), which is also the mystery of it is no longer sustainable or even possible to do any of the things that I need to do in order to be moderately functional. A breath.
- The mystery of how are we not all marching in the streets about climate change? I mean, obviously because it is way too hot to march. This week my heart ached about all the many things in the world that are not okay, the situations, the injustices, the terror, and how we act as if they are normal, and then they become normal. A breath of hope, please.
- Related to the above, the mystery of Portland is full of homeless people and my heart aches for this and for how is anyone going to make it through this heat, or through any of this, and what does it mean for me to be in a place that constantly reminds me of the worst thing that happened to me? I mean, if, god forbid, I had been attacked by a shark, would it make sense to live in a place that required me to swim past shark reefs multiple every day? That is not the right metaphor, because it’s more like I had to be a shark once, but I also had to pass as a dolphin while I was a shark, which was scary and exhausting, and now I am, let’s say, a mermaid with some painful memories, and I want to give back to sharks and to dolphins because I know what it is like, but/and I also do not ever want to swim in the same waters that I swam in before, or even be reminded of what it is like to be in that environment. I am not explaining this well at all. Who is the me who says NO THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME, I will make new choices and make sure I can float somewhere safe and beautiful, to heal without these daily reminders of Then. Breathing for light and safe passage.
- The mystery of the perfect storm of premenstrual hating-everything, combined with severe sleep deficit because of [loud circumstances beyond my control], combined with the cowboy performing his patented maneuver of pulling the rug out from under my feet and then immediately disappearing into some magical place where there’s no cell service so we can’t talk about what just happened, and somehow this takes me by surprise every single time, even though this has happens so often that I should be able to just put it on the calendar at this point. And then I get lost in the way deep past and my history of rugs and not trusting the ground, and I get mad at myself for falling for this shit, in addition to feeling hurt and sad and pulled into stories and stew-stirring and misunderstanding. A breath for loving myself unconditionally, because here I am in all my pain and fear, and I am the adult now who can give tiny-me all the hugs and reassurance in the world.
- The mystery of the three week migraine from hell, which is not actually a mystery at all, since I know exactly what is causing it and what to do about this situation, but it involves cutting ties and pissing some people off, and this requires being brave, and I think that requires more sleep so I can do this from a calm, rested, state of in-my-power-and-grace. A breath for this.
- The mystery of how intensely I loathe the basement studio that I have been working on making since January, and how it is not working at all as practice space, or as any kind of space, and I cannot put any more time or money into this mystery. And the mystery of where is my sanctuary if not here, in addition to the ongoing mystery of where will my new home be, well, it’s just too many mysteries, and I am out of things to try, and I thought I had found a beautiful temporary sanctuary for September but now that’s in the category of “who knows, we’ll see”. A breath for whatever is opened for me through saying no to all the no-things now. And, as I said last week, a breath for all the right solutions — speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
- I miss my mom. I miss the beautiful cowboy. I miss the sea. I miss the red hills. I miss sunset in the desert. Intense heartache. A breath for whatever this is.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I said this last week and it is still true now: many beautiful things happened this week which proved that now is in fact nothing like then, and All Is Well, it just is, even when I forget this. And even if right now I cannot remember the beautiful things because I am in shock from the past twenty four hours, that doesn’t negate their beauty or the fact that they happened. I can remember that they happened even if temporarily unable to conjure their memory. I remember that this week included so much good, and it doesn’t stop being good just because I reflect on the week in a moment of hard. A breath of sweetness and presence.
- I am very, very clear on what I don’t want. Also on what I do want. Maybe I have not fully appreciated how much treasure in this, but it is actually a wonderful thing. A breath for this steady knowing and powerful certainty.
- While in my anger about [various things], I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger that tells you a boundary has been crossed and needs to be restored. I said THANK YOU, MESSENGER over and over. I restored some boundaries. I stopped trying to fight AT&T and switched to a different phone company. And I exited situations and locations that asked me to exit them. A breath for remembering my crown.
- Another repeat from last week but still true and still amazing. The stone skipping not-a-course is full of wise, compassionate people saying wise, compassionate things, and so many sparks of good are sparking everywhere, and we are having the best insights and exploring things we never would have found without everyone else doing the work too. I am feeling so proud and joyful about all the self-fluency happening there. A breath of appreciation.
- Float tank is big wild magic for me. It is where I remember what it is like to be a star. A breath of thankfulness.
- A weekend of intense posture training — Gokhale! All day!— was very intense and brought up a lot of stuff, but it was so good for me. New and important things integrating in my body and life. I’m doing the work and it is hard (right now, for me), and it is worth it. Good for me. I can appreciate how hard it is, and also how valuable it is. A breath of gratitude for this.
- We send out the YEARbook! I read it three times. It is full of treasure. A breath of glad heart.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the most incredible clues, the best salad I’ve eaten in my life, my mother’s favorite song playing, all-night hypnosis, dreaming up yeses with the beautiful far-away cowboy. What else? Oh right, I went dancing after a long time avoiding a dance, and I went in like a queen, and had so much fun! And had two fantastic lessons with my teacher who came to the coast to work with me. See? I knew good things happened. Maybe later I will remember more. In the meantime: Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of Let There Be Lightness, and I had this in the form of floating and in the form of posture adjustments that allow me to carry myself with much more ease.
And I had the incredible-to-me power of asking the loud guy using the three-hour-bus-to-the-coast as his office to get off his phone, and he apologized and shut up. Actually, this week was full of people apologizing to me for things that are worthy of apologies, so maybe that was my superpower too.
Powers I want.
I would like more layers of Let There Be Lightness, in the form of energy lightness and emotional lightness and more ease of releasing. And the power of Feet On The Ground.
And I would like a mute button. Which is funny.
The Salve of Practice Secretly Pays Off, As Does Not-Practice.
This weekend I repeated the foundation course in the posture training I took two months ago, and was astonished to discover that things in the category of [I don’t get how to do this and I have not practiced it because I was practicing other things instead] just worked themselves out so easily. And now I can do all these things that were impossible two months ago.
This is the salve of that. It is filled with permission and sparkle. It opens your eyes and heart to see and appreciate all that is, and all that has changed, and all your hard work, and how your work (and your rest!) in totally different areas is changing everything.
This is a fractal flower salve, and it is big magic.
This salve brings the lightness and also lets things happen through-and-by lightness.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Agent Sloan:
No Fake Babies
Their latest album is Ugh The Patriarchy But Also Fireflies, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
My week may have been not the most fun, but at least I didn’t take anything my monsters said to heart at all, and that’s a useful skill. Highly recommended. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say.
Plus it comes with a coloring book.
Plus buying something at the museum gift shop helps offset the cost of running a free museum.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!