What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
door to harmony
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 364th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
it’s closing time
I found this on a morning note by my bed
scribbled by half-asleep me in the dark hours as a clue
it’s closing time
and yet nothing is closing
(so what does this mean?)
the rally of
this week I am having a solo rally
and it is the rally of Astonishingly Simple Solutions
solutions that are so simple they make me gasp
this is also the rally of Italian All The Way
as well as Solved By Being A Panther
and here is my first clue
it’s closing time
a door to harmony (and hilarity)
each day I name the day, sometimes in the morning and
sometime the night before
and today I woke up and wrote DOOR TO HARMONY
because that is what present-moment me desires most in the world
and then about ten minutes later it hit me why this is the funniest
I had to put everything on pause and just laugh for a while
more on this later, as the arborist likes to say
falling apart
yesterday I arrived at my paid-for-in-advance two hours of
solo dance practice aka slow motion montage aka panther training
at a beautiful ballroom that is not my ballroom
excited about practice time, and yet as soon as I got there
all I wanted to do was throw a giant temper tantrum on the floor
in the middle of the room
and yell
just yell and yell and yell
at first I didn’t even know what I wanted to yell but then I did
I wanted to yell you know what fuck this and fuck dance and fuck everything
because guess what I quit
I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT
yes I quit!
no more portland and no more cities and
no more half-yeses or partial-yeses and
no more dance training
(okay I still want dance but not like this, some new way!)
because I quit
and also I want to quit my job
and write a letter of resignation
(okay I still want to be a bell and a beacon of self-fluency
and to do this through many
beautiful forms of not-teaching,
and yes it is still my yes to doing this through writing,
just not in the way it works right now, some new way!)
closeness
I texted the faraway cowboy and told him
all I wanted was to fall apart on the floor and cry about
how I am done done done done done really done with everything
he said, you know you can do that if you need to
he said, kissing you and holding you close
and I crawled over to the center of the room
where I lay on my back and sobbed for ninety minutes
the kind of loud messy crying that needs big space to contain it
for example, let’s say a giant empty ballroom that is
full of big wild unconditional love for you
ah what tremendous good fortune that I had rented the space
thinking it was for dance
and then for the last thirty minutes of my studio time
I walked up and down the long room
breathing in the light
sometimes doing tight chene turns and
sometimes walking slowly and deliberately like a panther
drawing power from the earth
and sometimes just walking and breathing
inside the sanctuary of dance
acknowledgement and legitimacy (because that’s what we do)
that was some good crying, I told the faraway cowboy
like when you hold me while I cry
the ballroom held me and I miss my ballroom
he said, glad it helped sweet girl
he said, yes, that was a magical space and so was the playground
you can figure this out, you’ve all the right resources, your writing is important and has a big impact on thousands of lives, you’ll make this work in a way that is good for you
I miss magical spaces
I miss drawing out the magic in spaces
okay are you ready for the funny part
in two days we cross into July and guess what July is on
the fluent self calendar
(it’s Harmony)
and this is the year of doors so July is not only the
quality of harmony but the door of harmony
which is also the door to harmony
past me made a door for what I need
she even gave me an image of it
and here I am asking for a door to harmony
having completely forgotten that one is waiting for me
it’s literally on the calendar
actually this part is even funnier
even though harmony is the quality I crave most right now
I have spent this entire year convinced that
July was the weak link in the calendar
I was pretty sure harmony didn’t really need to play a vital role in my year
and maybe I’d have to
rename this one or reinterpret it when we got to July
because meh, harmony, who cares
what a beautiful moment
again, what tremendous unanticipated good fortune
which, haha, actually was completely anticipated by past me who
channeled truth and wisdom like a boss
nicely done
harmony, come in and do your healing magic
harmony, invite me in to your secret places
be my door
and I will be yours
somehow this weekend I ended up at a terrible party
okay I mean it’s not actually all that mysterious
because I know exactly how
it happened through saying yes to things that were not especially yes
definitely not 120% yes or even close
at most 52% yes
except I have not yet learned to read this number:
it’s a failing grade, not a reluctant nod to a ruling majority
a cascading of no moments brought on by the first
half-hearted maybe yes
each moments of [not a no but not a yes] leading to a new one
until I was at full no
you could also call this unsovereign choices
something understandable and forgivable
we live in a rigged game culture where we are trained from
the youngest age to override instinct,
to placate and people-please and above all else do what we’re told
aka what external authorities indicate is best
so no wonder we don’t learn to trust (or even listen for)
our own true yes
a clear and obvious no glowing a path for me
path of least
anyway I went to a show I didn’t particularly want to go to
where the music was too loud (for me) with
too many people (for me), where I
consumed a drink I didn’t particularly like
and danced to a song I didn’t particularly want to dance to
agreed to let someone give input I didn’t want
until it was all too much and I had to exit
which was misinterpreted by friend as Storming Out
and then when we sorted things and all I wanted was bed
I reluctantly let this friend talk me into going to the afterparty
because it was clear that this was the easiest (and possibly only)
way to convey that I wasn’t upset
and blah blah path of least resistance
but it isn’t actually the path of least resistance
if it’s also the path of least joy, pleasure, comfort and
doesn’t support my sense of at-home-in-my-life
wanted: a more harmonious path
so the afterparty was somehow even worse than the party
like, I am pretty sure this was the worst party in the history of the known universe
and I have been to some agonizingly terrible parties in my day
(and okay, as a highly sensitive person I do not really understand parties
but this one took the cake)
I think the answer to why did I not immediately run away
is that I was actually kind of in a state of shock
both physical and existential
from the sensory overwhelm and just how bizarre it was
like, how did I — eccentric reclusive writer! glamorous cosmopolitan!
end up the lone adult in a decrepit indoor skate park at 2am
in a tiny town on a summer night
where a bunch of drunk kids were jamming (“jamming”) on a low stage
a brawling free-for-all of incoherent clashing sound waves
a cacophony of disharmonies
I described the scene to Agent Spalding
once I was semi-recovered
and he said yes that sounds intensely bad, aggressively bad
mmm I think I am just now realizing the echoing effects it is having on me
and my internal space
how much rattling occurred
what is needed
a door to harmony
ease of releasing and ease of transition
soft waves that crest gently, not the angry jagged up-and-down
I am talking about music and I am talking about
breath and light
how does one access a door to harmony
I think you just ask for it and then wander your way into it
wander by way of wonder
(June is the month of wonder)
wonder –> harmony
wonder comes from Awe
and awe comes from Sanctuary
and sanctuary comes from Presence
and presence comes from pausing
{I am here :: holy holiness}
sanctuary is the safe space to be receptive
to access a state of wonder from which things can begin to harmonize
at least that’s the working theory
wander and wonder
this is basically my life plan right now anyway
and here I am at the end of the line where the powerful columbia river
becomes the pacific ocean
speaking of harmony and wonder and doors
words from the bridge
I visited the bridge this morning and it spoke to me (this is a thing)
the bridge said, very clearly:
to be in your shininess, you require beauty and quiet
which means you need to become the ADVOCATE of these things
no one else is in charge of making sure you get these
and they are important so you must insist on them
this is what Adrianna knows how to do and what you need to learn
go be in harmony
go hand in your letter of resignation
and let yourself be re-signed (and reassigned) to harmony
let harmony BECOME your new job
here it is: my letter of resignation
and it really is resignation
that is in fact the exact correct perfect-fit word!
resignation is in fact how you feel in the moment it becomes apparent
that writing a letter of resignation is the only remaining option:
I am resigned to the reality of this situation that is not working
and to the fact that there isn’t a way to change the not-working-ness of it
I am resigned to resignation
such a funny word — it sounds like a sigh and looks like a re-signing
(look, here it is again, the exit sign, the sign that it’s time to leave)
(how did I miss it before?)
and true, I didn’t want to feel this feeling but now I get it
resignation can actually be quite lovely, the bridge was right:
a resigning and re-assigning
in the sense that everything needs to reconfigure now
or in other words, wait for it… to become more harmonious
I don’t actually want to resign
in the sense that I don’t want to leave
so what do I want
hmmm I want a raise and a new job title and a vehicle and
for the groundedness of these things to contribute to a
a sense of harmoniousness
this is a proxy but also not entirely a proxy
what do I want
a door into harmony / releasing everything that is disharmonious
letting this happen with astonishing simplicity
what do I know about my wish?
I want everything I do to be
for pleasure and joy instead of for comfort, validation, other pellet rewards
I want to follow the spark trail
to unveil or stumble upon
the next elegant easy graceful solutions
to live from within the compass of Do Less and Choose Ease
to feed myself with love
closing any doors that need closing
each closing and each opening deliberate and clear
moving from wonder into harmony
in a state of whole-hearted yes
now
each day two baby deer come visit my window
or they casually traipse past me on the sidewalk
when I am on my way to the pub
sometimes with their mom behind them
I would like some of this cool and collected presence
maybe that’s what harmonious looks like
the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me
June is WONDER with the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed, and it turns out the next indicated step is Harmony, which also happens to be the month we are about to enter, how perfect is that
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called more breath more light …
and I received this in many unexpected forms, including an invitation to come live at the coast for the summer, the place where I breathe more light
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken and the funk of no
Hello, week: we are here.
Wow what a week, what a time to be breathing, let’s breathe.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 413th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
Each day I have been taking a piece of paper and drawing a line down the middle. It looks a bit like a pros-and-cons list but it functions more like a ritual of introspection.
One side is NO / GOODBYE / ELIMINATED and the other is YES / WANT / ILLUMINATE.
Then I scribble whatever comes into my mind. This brought a surprising amount of ease, focus and clarity to my week, as well as some unexpected and enlightening intel, because sometimes (most of the time) my desires are not apparent to me until I ask….
I might try…
I like this part because asking what I might try seems like the least judgmental way of naming what isn’t working.
But I’m starting to see some secret magic here. I state what I want to try, then I forget about it, and then it comes true, if not always in the way you might expect.
Last week I wanted to try “remembering sooner that Shit Is Not About Me”, and I am pleased to report that despite the absolute flood of no that came my way this week, I did in fact remember each time that it was not about me.
Now I’d like to try treating any half-yes as a clue, and releasing any need to keep poking at it to see if it might turn into two-thirds yes.
Naming the days.
These were the days from the week of reveling in freedom and breathe more light…
Choose ease more. Take time and luxuriate. Solstice stones. I treasure myself more. Start fresh. Extra light. Newness embodied.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
That’s Hilarious That You Think You Have A Plan
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was so full of no, ohmygod. It was just no, from all directions, everything was no for me and everything was saying no to me, and oh man, this giant funk of no. A breath for remembering that no is a beacon, and also for being able to laugh about this, because that helps keep it in perspective.
- Like a rat in a lab pushing for food pellets, I pushed at the lever of every partial-maybe-yes just in case there was a responding pellet, even though I didn’t want those pellets anyway, and then almost forgot not to take it personally when there was nothing there. A breath for the work of dismantling old patterns.
- Portland: It’s A Trap! Each day this week I planned to be at the coast by the end of the day, and each day something prevented this from happening, which of course worked out beautifully, but for a while I was wondering if I was actually in the movie Groundhog Day, or maybe that part of The Truman Show when the whole town conspires to keep our hero from exiting the island. A breath for wild trust and for interrupting the interruptions.
- I woke up this morning with the very clear knowing in my body that getting online was a terrible idea, more so than usual, a towering formation of fear energy that so clearly was not mine. I could feel it and see it, like a tornado in the distance that I could choose not to approach or interact with, but I still didn’t know what it was. So I texted friends to find out what happened, and they were like, yes you are correct do not go anywhere near social media, and that’s how I learned about Britain exiting the European Union. Let’s breathe. May both the great fear that led to this and the great fear resulting from this be met with something stronger. Something new can be channeled here, I don’t know how to name it yet but may we all have the necessary steadiness and grace to breathe. Breathing powerful peacefulness, powerful clarity, whatever is needed. Let us gracefully decline to contribute to the energy tornados of isolationism and panic (and worse) and in the world, and breathe. A breath for the world.
- Where do I want to live? How do I want to live? What do I believe in? What is supportive space for a Havi? What is yes? In what ways am I not in fact being true to myself? These are the questions that emerged from shmita, and no wonder I was so completely terrified for so many years to even face taking time off, because yes, these questions are intensely disruptive, they lead to uprooting. Not to mention all the monstering about ugh how can you be almost forty and seriously have no clue about what you’re doing or where to live. I mean, that’s the rigged game that wants us too busy working-and-striving to even hear the questions. I am aware of the enormous quantities of magic beans that allow me to investigate this. And I appreciate brave past-me who was so steadfast in her commitment to her own path; in addition to massive good fortune and privilege, I can also thank her that at almost-forty I am miraculously without obligations: not bound to people or location. I do not have to drive anyone to soccer practice, I don’t need to feed anyone but me, and so here I am with these big wild questions and the privilege to consider them. And it is scary. I am at home at this edge, I am grateful for my freedom, and also: nothing like facing the great echoing void to see the appeal of distraction (see: pellet-pushing), any distraction at all to not sit with these questions. A breath for listening with love.
- I have been dimming my spark. I have been compromising on things that are hugely important. This is very apparent right now, and it is useful intel, and it is also amazing how long it takes me to notice. A breath for rewriting old patterns.
- The eternal conundrum of I find the internet exhausting but it’s where my job is. I tried to solve that with moving into real space, first the Playground (my retreat center), then a larger experiment that was ahead of its time and became a metaphorical chocolate shop instead, and what I learned is that I don’t ever want to carry overhead again. A breath for a perfect simple solution that supports quiet receptive bell state.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- This was an absolutely magical week. Everything I asked for — luxuriating in taking time, releasing the worry patterns, finding joy in small pleasures, serendipitous encounters, reveling in freedom, all of it happened, and all the surprises were the good kind. A breath of delight in being alive.
- Thanks to last week’s wish, I understood that each no that came my way (and oh were there a lot of them, a constant barrage of no everywhere I turned) was secret treasure. This is the thing past me has been trying to explain for years about how I only get gifts and miracles, but I didn’t really get it before. No set me free this week, and that is in fact the job of a no, and I was able to see and feel this in action. A breath for this new understanding.
- Ever since the time in my life when I was [between homes] for many months and sometimes slept in the park and experienced huge terror, my biggest fear has been repeating this in any way or even being reminded of it. And now I am okay. I mean, it’s not just that I am okay, because I was okay before. It’s something much deeper than that. My body understands that I am safe now. So we are between homes and on the road and okay with it, because hello to this grand adventure, and it doesn’t bother me. The fear is gone, the deepest fear. A breath for the miracle of this. I’m not saying the fear won’t return, but if it does, it will be different and my relationship to it will be different, because now I know what life is like without it. Gratitude.
- What a wild week of wild gratitude and wild revelations. Just breathing it all in. Full heart. A breath for this breath, and everything I do to stay centered in this.
- Yes, there is still great joy in discovering that I know what I want and what I don’t. A breath of quiet trust.
- Enormous incoming sweetness from the beautiful faraway cowboy who is so good at glowing love for me in a way that I can feel without being overwhelmed by it. A breath for receiving and connection.
- I found a way to escape the fourth of July and remove myself from the triggers and the war zone of fireworks. A breath for being someone who practices self-treasuring more actively than ever before, I am learning to prioritize my well-being in a way that used to not be available to me because of fear and monsters. A breath for this new way.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a surprise miracle on the exact day it was needed most, a delicious Sunday night ritual that depends entirely on happy accidents, making it to the coast which is where my quiet is and where my words are. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of standing tall, deeply engaged with life, surprise ease, and taking exquisite care of myself for no reason at all, and amazingly (again!) I had all of that. I love how this simple practice of naming superpowers wows me each week and each time I forget all over again.
Powers I want.
More of the same please and also the powers of Actively Choosing Peace and Quiet, pre-emptively advocating for myself in all things, and deep healing through lusciousness.
The Salve of Healing Through Lusciousness.
Many many things in life are or can be healing, but a lot of them hurt. And sometimes our culture tends to value the ones that hurt. This is a salve for the kind of deep healing that happens with gentleness, permission, ease, softness-and-softening, and, yes, lusciousness.
This is salve that holds the magical qualities of the most perfect bath imaginable. It is reiki-infused everything, it is spells written on the body with light by someone who loves you unconditionally, it is immersion and releasing and being drizzled in oils, or whatever form is right for you to receive this.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is, of course:
A Giant Funk Of No
Their latest album is That’s Probably A Terrible Idea, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
more breath / more light
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 363rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
what do I need right now
each day I pick a card from the deck of stone skipping cards
and somehow the same card always finds me
what do I need right now
the answer, surprisingly, has been the same too
this is unusual, both the answer and its repetition
breath
that’s the need that wants to be expressed
more breath deeper breath more conscious breath
breathe more
breaths of appreciation and going deep into my
thank you heart with breath
superpower
and maybe now that I think about, maybe
this is related to adrianna’s superpower of
luxuriating in taking time through luxuriating in luxuriating
maybe she knows how to
luxuriate in breath
luxuriate with-and-through breath
(maybe breath is her door to luxuriating)
(maybe luxuriating is her door to this kind of breath)
okay so I want breath, wonderful, what is here for me
something I have learned about wishes is this:
it is up to me to accept them as a gift
just as it is up to me to release them like red balloons
of course I can think “well, this is a weird wish that makes no sense
I don’t have trouble breathing,
I’m probably avoiding a real wish”
and so on, maybe with some monster-ing about
why can’t I wish less mysterious wishes
and maybe put this time towards processing something more “useful”
but in my experience, the best thing I can do for any wish
is to welcome it — oh wow what a beautiful wish —
to receive it, to assume it is both treasure chest and treasure
and make room for it,
trusting that it will show me
[whatever it wants to show me]
whether over time or through the
love-imbued process of investigating
okay, so I want breath, what a lovely thing to want
what do I know about breath
what supports breath
what supports breath
what is the most supportive environment for my breath
by the water of course
breath and water go together
so do beauty and breath
like the gasp of pleasure
that turns to slow deep inhalation and release
when I walk down the hill in astoria
and glimpse the wonder of it
breath-taking
but also breath-giving
river-into-ocean
beauty is like, hey babe breathe me in
also being in a state of….
perceiving my beauty? perceiving that I am beautiful
embodying my glow
intake (of breath)
the other day I tried on clothes in a shop
which I never do
and the woman working there had to leave
she left a note for me with her friend
it said you are so beautiful
and my response to that was this breath of
oh wow let me take that in
let me breathe this moment
what else do I know about choosing breath
I need to be out of the city
portland hasn’t been yes for a long time
it has a lot of maybe in it
but maybe-yeses are all beacons of no
it isn’t 120% yes
and I think, often, that one of the reasons is
because it is hard (for me) to breathe there
too much noise, and I mean the energy kind as well as the actual kind
too much smoke too, in the same way
too many things that invite me to constrict and contract
instead of reveal and expand
what do I want with [breath]
I want to breathe the way I did in the orchards
and climbed orange trees for a living
inhaling life
and sharp tangy sweet aliveness
I want to breathe the way I did at the Vicarage
never in a hurry
plenty of time
“how many miles do you walk each day?” they asked
but I didn’t know how to answer
at the vicarage I walk until I am done walking
I do everything that way there
I want to breathe the way I did when my life was yoga training
the way I breathe with Bryan
or to breathe as I did that long afternoon in Berlin of
two hundred and sixteen slow sweet sun salutations
with [former-mentor — let’s have a breath of whoosh goodbye for that]
each sun salutation was eight breaths which makes 1728 breaths and
yes I remember all of them
slow time
all those beautiful times when my whole life was
devoted to being present with breath
where the breath slowed and slowed and slowed
until there was nothing but breath
what else about more breath
question: what else about more breath
answer: more light
question: what is more light
answer: more time, more expansiveness, more glow, more sparkle, solstice, do-overs, traveling light, traveling with lightness, being a light delivery system (“we deliver!”)
question: what would be more light
answer: ah, taking things lightly!
who knows how to do this?
Svevo is the only person I know who takes things lightly,
though Svevo also travels with three suitcases for the weekend,
his lightness is not related to luggage, though maybe
his lightness is related to knowing he has what he needs
Svevo has a double superpower that I want
the arborist has it too and so does
Adrianna the eccentric wandering Italian heiress
who is me but I am not yet her
it is the superpower of I have plenty of time because there is plenty of time
combined with I have no worries because there is nothing to worry about
alright let’s breathe this in
we already have a clue from last week: no is a beacon!
no lights the way to lightness
another question
is this wish about breath and light a proxy for something else
that I am not ready to let myself know I desire
probably
I mean, wishes usually are
the mind is wise that way
and wishes are also fractal flowers for all the other wishes I am wishing
whether I know what they are yet or not
is there anything I want to reveal now
about other meanings behind this wish for breath and light
ah of course
this is a wish about passage and becoming
spark/dark
last week I wrote:
I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom
and this is so amazing because it fits perfectly with the
two different versions of Incoming Me
that are both here at once
there is Z aka Zik/Zeke whose name, in hebrew, means spark
Z is all about wildness and wilderness, quiet and boundaries,
writing and righting, echoing and reverberating
striding fearlessly into the light
and there is Adrianna Moretti, whose name, coincidentally
means dark dark
she is unapologetically glamorous, believes strongly in decadence
and is never in a hurry
she prefers dimly lit bars, red lipstick, wine, ambiguity,
and unanticipated magnificence
(I love them both)
spark/dark
I love them both but now I am laughing because they are
so obviously (how did I not see this)
almost archetypal in their embodiment of yin/yang
Z has little patience with things being gendered and refuses
on principle to self-define
but I think of Z as the part of me who identifies with masculine
which is a moving target of a definition
and maybe more of a sensory perception
Z wears flannel shirts and is wildly sexy and completely gender-ambiguous
able to present in a way I can’t, because genetics gave me
an over-the-top Jessica Rabbit container
that I haven’t figured out how to be at home in
but Adrianna delights in it, flaunts it, wears it to perfection
yes
Adrianna is the dark and the moon and the tides and the pull
the long slow kiss
and the moment before the moment before
and then sleeping in, surrounded by cushions
Adrianna is devoted to being,
letting things be revealed in their own time
Z is the spark and the flash and the sun
powerful knowing and doing
Z makes things happen
just by deciding they should
two wild adventurers
two parts of this wish
like the inhale and exhale of more breath
what do I know about my wish?
more light and more breath
once in tel aviv I studied yoga with a favorite teacher
who was very Zik-like
she mostly had us rest in various positions and breathe
move the tiniest bit and breathe
she would say breathe in sparkliness
simmering in shimmering glittering breath
yes it is time for more of this, time to
fill up and spill over with this glimmer spark glow
for a long time I have been wishing wishes about
not dimming my spark for anyone
but the truth is, I have been spark-dimming
agreeing to glow at maybe only 35 percent
it is time to light things up
now
for the past exactly-seven days I have been trying each day
to make it to Astoria
and each day something happens or doesn’t
and it’s like the movie Groundhog Day
Agent Spalding asked, “Is Astoria in some kind of spatial vortex?”
which is hilarious because enter the vortex is both
the theme of Astoria and literally the wifi password at the bar where I am writing this
because yes today I finally made it here
by a thread
arriving with sunset
into the magical light that lives only here
there is so much more light in the light here
at my former retreat center we had a stone
an actual stone
called the vortex stone
(named for this place in astoria)
and you placed it on a tray to say I am here
a form of conscious entry
with a breath
of course
the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
June is WONDER which is so very exactly where I’m at right now with awe and breath and light and transition, and yes please to the next indicated step is revealed to me, this is right
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called what if I can revel in this freedom …
this was so perfect because this wish was how I learned that no was a beacon, and my week was SO VERY FULL OF NO that I probably would have been miserable without this new ability to follow the beacons and revel in my newfound freedom
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
eliminated/illuminated
Hello, Solstice. Hello, full moon.
Here are the stones I skip on solstice, the solstice stones:
What needs to be eliminated?
What needs to be illuminated?
Hello, door. Hello, wonder.
Always strong questions, but somehow especially right now, halfway through the year, a kind of mountain top moment.
This day and these questions make a door. Wonder and awe are doors, and also the thing that opens doors.
What needs to be eliminated?
And what needs to be illuminated?
Asking is enough.
Time to turn inward and trust that dropping these questions into heart-mind is enough, asking is enough. When I ask and listen, the just-right answers for right-now will emerge.
You are welcome to join me in this ritual, and to share here of course if you wish. Or leave pebbles and stones, take a breath at this moment of in between…
the chicken reflects
Hello, week: we are here.
It is a Sunday chicken again, aka right timing o’clock, and I am in the same place I was exactly a week ago (literally, not metaphorically) but across the table (literally, but maybe also metaphorically), and I am happy to chicken
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 412th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
SO MANY THINGS.
I think my favorite though was doing something palpable to release the week. Agent Sloan and I went and just immersed ourselves in the most luscious healing foot bath for two hours. We emerged with new feet, new eyes, and having experienced, at least temporarily, what it is like to just let things go. But mainly I think I finally understood to what extent ritual is a door.
I might try…
Ha, last week I said “be willing to abandon a perfectly good plan”, and this week I was!
Next time I might try remembering sooner that Shit Is Not About Me.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of the Italian heiress and reveling in freedom and these were the days.
Beautiful boundaries. Regal as fuck. Joyful day of joyful moments! Creative flow is mine. Revel in being free. Joy in this exact timing. Follow the compass.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Undoing Conditioning: A Part Of Me Knows How To Luxuriate Like A Cat
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Everything takes between four to twenty seven times longer than I anticipate it will, and this is not news to me or to anyone, and yet it continues to take me by surprise. All plans are illusory, and we know this, and yet I am still taken aback when the thing that always happens is still happening. That’s the power of rigging. A breath for remembering for being able to laugh about it.
- I keep being in spaces that are not supportive for me, whether that’s twitter or dance spaces or learning environments or looking for a response where there is one and where one wouldn’t serve me anyway. A breath for deep trust and for taking care of my kingdom first.
- The world is too loud for me, and this is not news either, I just want to say that HSP life is work and I see other people being energized by things that drain me, and sometimes I have envy. Also: ugh politics ugh the internet ugh the way things that need to be called into question are just accepted as normal. A breath for learning to take care of myself in new ways.
- I was planning to spend this weekend first at the coast and then in Seattle, and neither of those things happened and that is probably a good thing, and also it is time to leave Portland, this is indicated, and I am kind of floating in between A breath for spaciousness and trust.
- I got in a fight at dance! This was exciting and empowering (it helps when you’ve been pretending to be Italian all week), but/and also stressful and draining. I don’t enjoy having to defend or explain myself. A breath.
- Always getting ready to go out and do something fun and wild, and then choosing bed instead. This isn’t a bad choice at all, and Adrianna the Italian heiress adventuress reminds me that there is great luscious power in the readying, in luxuriating in the readying, and that the actual going out is less important, and of course there is time, and all timing right timing. This can be hard for me to trust and remember, so let us have a breath for truth, for trusting and remembering.
- The pain of the moments when I seem to have no yeses, and also the pain of the moments when I have many yeses and sometimes these are not met with responding-yeses and this is probably just-right, I believe this, and I understand that the not-yeses I am receiving are in my benefit, this too. And sometimes I just have this craving for someone or something to say YES YES YES I CHOOSE YOU AND I CHOOSE NOW. So I will be this person and I will say it to myself, and all my selves, over and over and over again, I will channel love-source and be the glowing yes to my life. And also I want someone to kiss me across a table with passion and over-the-top feeling because it has to happen in this beautiful moment now. And it is okay to want this. A breath for all my wanting. May I always remember that wanting is beautiful.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
the day of seven hours of dance
- This was a beautiful week of beautiful moments. So much joy, play, pleasure, panther-ing. A breath of delight in being alive.
- The walls and floor are painted in the secret studio in the basement, and it finally feels like a place where magic can happen, it reminds me of the playground. A breath for sanctuary and the many forms it can take.
- I don’t have a home and I am weirdly okay with not having a home, because I am Adrianna the eccentric Italian heiress and she doesn’t need a home, she needs adventure and quiet and inspiration and people to flirt with. This is new and fun, and a big healing for past-me who had no home for so long and napped in the park and was so deeply, painfully invested in passing as someone who wasn’t [without a home]. A breath for this adventure and for being able to be on it.
- DANCE. Seven glorious hours of it on Wednesday and most of today as well. Cha cha and west coast swing and dance epiphanies and heartbreakingly beautiful waltzes, and wildly inventive fusion, and I am a panther and I draw my power from the earth. Plus an hour that I spent with Sarah just focused on one tiny movement in the rib cage. All the training I have been doing is paying off: this week I felt graceful, grounded, balanced, at ease in my body and in in play. A breath for this embodied aliveness.
- This one is a keeper: I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. A breath of quiet trust.
- I just mostly feel good about this process. I am listening and learning and touching in. I am finding doors and passage. Staying in Rally mindset. A breath for appreciating this.
- Such amazing good fortune. A breath for this.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of spending a week on stealth rally with Agent Sloan, meeting up with the right people in the right moments, saying no to things that are no, second breakfast. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of being my most embodied graceful powerful self who transmits in every moment that I am not to be messed with. And honestly, this one felt like even more of a reach than usual.
But actually I had brassy force fields this week and people respected them, and I stood up for myself at dance, and brought in clear anger to set boundaries when that was needed too.
Powers I want.
More of the same because it feels absolutely incredible, and also the powers of standing tall, deeply engaged with life, surprise ease, and taking exquisite care of myself for no reason at all.
The Salve of Luxuriating Beyond Reason.
I was shaving my legs very haphazardly in the shower (because that’s the only way I do it), and Adrianna, in her inimitable way, found this enormously surprising. Like, if I have this opportunity to touch myself, why would I not revel in it and enjoy every pleasurable second of being with my legs. She doesn’t particularly care either about shaving or not shaving, she gets that I do it because I like smoothness and that I don’t particularly care, but it bothers her when I neglect an obvious opportunity for pleasure.
Anyway, she said something about taking time, really taking time, to luxuriate in touch, to luxuriate in the time-taking itself, not to neglect myself or rush through something that could be about love.
So this is a salve of intention, pleasure, presence, and self-adulation. And about time being a gift that I bestow upon myself with tenderness and wild sensual attentiveness and devotion.
It’s a salve of love, breath, being over doing (and doing-infused-with-being), deep sweetness, and it dissolves the monsters of “undeserving and unworthy and get over yourself”
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Quality Distraction
Their latest album is Let The Revolution Begin, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!