Hello, week: we are here.

It’s a Sunday chicken this time because this week was tough and weird, and also I thought yesterday was Friday. Glad to be here now, and glad you are here too.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 409th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Inquiring about the superpowers.

For example, here are some of superpowers of the Chicken:

I speak my truth / grounded and present / sense of humor intact / trust in right timing / ritual invites holiness / the magic of naming what is / reflection is powerful stuff / I am open to learning something new

I might try…

I want to remember how hard travel is on my body, and in less visible ways, and to plan my recovery with the same attention to detail I give to booking flights.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of boundaries and bells, and these were the days.

Bell of the bells. Crown on, crown on. I am spectacular. I take space for myself. I take in life. It’s a good day. What needs to change in my kingdom.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

She Needs To Go Hide Now. The Havi Brooks story.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Everything about traveling was the worst. And then I thought things would get better once I was done traveling but recovery was rough. Bouts of what my friend the arborist calls “visiting Spain”, where Spain = S Pain, and the S is for severe. And then sometimes the invisible kinds of S-pain like Energy Spain, Emotional Spain, Mental Spain. A breath for rest, and, if we’re already in Spain, making time for tapas and sangria.
2. My mother used to say she found Oregon “claustrophobic”, because of the mountains. I always thought it was so interesting/bizarre how she didn’t see that the claustrophobia was probably just being around her domineering energy-vampire of a mother-in-law. But now I do the same thing with Michigan. As soon as I’m there, the sluggish zero energy sludge takes over and I’m convinced it’s hard to breathe there, as if it’s Denver and a mile in the air, when of course the reason I can’t get oxygen is being in close proximity to the locations of awful experiences from my past. No wonder my body translates this as something wrong with the air. A breath of compassion and healing.
3. I missed my mom so much this week, so many tears, a breath for life.
4. On the theme of hard to breathe: this week’s mission was continued de-cobwebbing, grime-removal and painting in the basement, and my lungs did not like this and basically said WE QUIT, which was ultimately a very useful experience (I listened to my body and all was well), but I really had to experience the pain of this to understand. A breath for me.
5. The beautiful boy left again. Which, I mean, a) how am I not used to these goodbyes yet and the aching longing they bring, and b) it was right there on the schedule so it’s not like it was a surprise. Speaking of things that take my breath away: a breath for this.
6. Craving sanctuary, ease, a place for me to write and take care of myself. A breath of steadiness.
7. I just want a home that is my home. A breath of trust and safe passage.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. The beautiful faraway cowboy flew to Detroit for four days to be with me at my brother’s wedding, which is pretty much the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, and I cannot even imagine how I would have made it through that intense weekend without his warmth and sweetness. A breath of thankfulness.
2. Heart of wild sweetness. A breath for spilling over with love.
3. While not everyone appreciates what it means when I prioritize [extreme self-care and preserving my energy] over social interactions, so many people in my life have been wonderfully understanding about my choices and boundaries, including people I don’t necessarily expect to be able to do this like my dad, or friends I grew up with. That was a beautiful thing to experience, and I feel so grateful. A breath for this.
4. My dance teacher was in town and I booked a two hour private lesson and oh wow, something that I’ve only ever understood conceptually actually landed in my body, and I am so excited about this. A breath for dance, which is the most mystical, transcendent, transformative form of communication that I know of.
5. I have been trying to do everything myself and suddenly realized that I don’t need to, and now I feel better. A breath of sweet trust.
6. All week long I have been skipping stones, and receiving so much useful intel and encouragement from incoming me and my wise project. A breath of release.
7. The last time I was between-homes was one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced, and this time I am on a Grand Adventure. A breath for finally getting that now is not then, and experiencing the healing magic of do-overs.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the guest room at Agent Emdee’s, Agent Spalding who always cheers me up, an entire week of my hair looking amazing, non-metaphorical sandwiches, pickles on the side. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the power of being glowingly unapologetic about the fullness and richness of who I am. And to be honest, that felt like a reach, even beyond just how weird it is to ask for a superpower. But in retrospect, I had many moments of this, and it felt amazing and I want more!

Powers I want.

The superpowers of knowing how great I am, shining a light, taking space for myself, combining wildness and wonder.

The Salve of Glowingly Unapologetic about the Fullness and Richness of Me.

This salve is like the sensory version of a mantra, cycling through the bloodstream, repeating its own name until its essence becomes the stream, and everything else is called into support of this truth.

When I wear this salve, my bell essence — my suchness — is in full flower, and is welcomed with love, because this is what I expect, and anyone who can’t meet me with acceptance and joy doesn’t get to be in my life, ta da, and suddenly this is easy because it is clear and it is simple and it just is.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes from Agent Ravenstar:

Averse To Choreography

Their latest album is Where All The Cute Boys And Girls Hang Out, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

here, now

some weeks I almost cannot bear to sit down and
hear my wishes
never mind write them down
because I feel so much and such passionate intensity
that I can’t even approach

afraid to pull on one thread
and see just how much there is to my desire
so maybe this is also a wish about that
in addition to being about
boundaries and bells

Jen

Jen is the only person who can tell me
to relax

or really,
Jen is the only person who can say it with the result that
I will in fact relax
and not want to punch her in the face

she says it about thirty seven times per song
when we dance together in our lessons
and for the longest time I couldn’t tell the difference
between relaxed-me and not-relaxed-me
I couldn’t tell how she knew
but now I feel when she says it

I feel

I feel how I have tensed up without meaning to and am clinging
and I feel how it feels to not be doing that
and I feel how it feels to
trust that one day I will feel all this before
she needs to point it out to me

what happens when I relax

shoulders drop
I feel more grounded
Jen says that she sees me soften but in that softening I have
more power and more strength
I am suddenly aware of the ways in which I was not relaxed
oh and my dancing gets better and also I’m smiling

the superpower of shoulders down

last week I rented studio space to practice for two hours
this might sound like lot of physical exertion
but 90% of dance is taking one step or maybe two
then squinting into a mirror or staring into space
trying to figure out what felt off

my two hours alone with the mirror didn’t help with
any of the things I thought I was there to work on
but it gave me one very key piece of information:
when I let myself drop my shoulders
(an act of releasing effort, not of more effort)
anything I do looks better
even if I’m still doing it “wrong”
it still seems more authoritative,
confident, graceful, powerful, intentional

I can’t currently afford to rent studio time as often as I’d like
and my basement still isn’t ready for use
but I can whisper to myself a thousand times a day
hey my love how about shoulders down
and that is my practice for dance/life

rigging

one of the ways in which the rigged game is so very rigged
is that our culture has no built-in mechanisms for
pausing-and-reflecting

we are constantly encountering
unexpected or uncomfortable moments,
because life is full of these,
and we don’t have space to receive them, process them, figure out how we feel,
to let the moment land and let ourselves land in the moment

there is no agreed-upon word or hand-gesture to use
with friends and strangers alike
something that might mean
“I need to take a minute here to absorb what just happened”
or maybe “I am gathering myself and my thoughts”

windows

on the plane to Detroit someone took my window seat
his was supposed to be the window seat on the opposite side
I shrugged and sat in the seat that should have been his
and then ended up on the receiving end of
unwanted attention and touching from the creep behind me
who of course denied it, in the tradition of creeps everywhere

I Am Okay and Nothing Is Wrong and I was brave
and tough and established boundaries and moved seats but also I wonder…

possibilities

if some shared signal or ritual existed, if
taking a moment was universally acknowledged as healthy and okay
or if I made this my choice anyway
and stopped to reflect instead of just acquiescing
because social conditioning says don’t make a fuss
what could have happened instead

(1) I might have remembered something
when past-me chose my seat several months ago,
she specifically requested advice from Wisest Me, who
unhesitatingly said to take the window on the right side of the plane,
after which I might have taken a breath and
asked the guy to exit my seat,
letting go of the worry of
What If This Complete Stranger Thinks I’m Being Petty And Fussy And Entitled….

(2) I might have noticed the tightness
in my chest and the perceived need to hurry,
the flight attendant urging everyone to take their seats,
and perhaps also noticing the no
my body was giving me about the new seat,
respecting it without needing to know why it was a no….

all roads lead to…

my guess is that in all imagined situations
I would have had to stand up for myself to some degree
whether over seat-assignment
(when cultural conditioning says why can’t you just be accommodating)
or with the creep behind me
(when cultural conditioning says don’t make trouble)
or who knows, but I would have had to take a stand over something
all roads lead to boundary-setting
or to whatever my current life theme might be
and this is mine

there is no pass that lets me
skip this level of the video game
I am here to learn how to
take up space in this world
stand up for myself
layer on experiences of safety
claim space for myself
claim time for myself to get quiet and listen
(so that I can hear what I already know)
to trust my instincts harder than I ever have before
and not put up with bullshit

full-body no

it is the full-body no that wakes me in dark pre-morning hours
the full-body no that tells me
I need to back out of the thing I said yes to
because I don’t have the capacity
or there’s weird energy from someone
or maybe it just wasn’t my yes to begin with

it is the no that I would know
in the moment
if I took a moment
if I remembered that it is okay for me to take a moment
to reconnect with myself and my desires
drop shoulders (again)
breathe
be here now

again

my favorite part of a guided yoga meditation on my phone
is when the instructor suggests that I relax my jaw

I do and then she says “good, now relax your jaw again” and I laugh
every single time
even though I know it’s coming
because I never really relax the first time
it was just the beginning of letting go
and there is always more
more to soften, more to release, more ease
if I take a moment to get there

I want to drop my shoulders and then drop my shoulders again
I want to take a moment to breathe and then take a moment again
I want to say my no, and then say my no again
(whether to the same thing or to something else)

let this be my normal

I want this sweetness to become normal, habitual
granted to myself with generosity
of course there’s time to relax my jaw and relax my jaw again
of course there’s time to find out if the thing I thought was my yes is still my yes

thinking about small (in this sense)

I told Jen that instead of working on dance I have been
just relaxing my shoulders as I go through life
and she said,
“all the time you spend focusing on fine points —
whether you are in the studio or not, in front of a mirror or not,
thinking of it as dancing or not,
this makes all the difference in the big picture
and anyway slow and steady will serve your other projects as well
if you can trust the process
so relax”

she thinks she’s my dance teacher but really she’s my
relax about life teacher

thinking about small (in another sense)

oh the accumulated micro-aggressions, or unbridled jackassery
I shrug away each one because it’s just a drop
until the cup is too full
and I am suddenly hyperventilating in the bathroom and don’t know why

this is so important!
these not-okay moments that we are supposed to see as small are not small
these body-no moments are not small
these ignoring-my-no moments are not small
we are told that we should just let them roll off
but they have a residue
small adds up
small is not small at all

a conversation with my wishes

I had so much trouble writing about these wishes
so I asked them to tell me what they wanted me to know
and they said Trust Life More

then they told me that I am still really sad about
my mom and I need to let that be okay
my wishes said:
it is okay to be in big grief
you are just in a culture where there is no room for this
there is no model for what it even looks like to make/take room for this
and this is also related to boundaries because
when there is this big mismatch between culture and actual needs,
it is revolutionary for you to tend to your needs first
so tend to your needs first

they said:
cry, find a supportive environment,
eat food that feels good to you,
and please trust that when-and-how you write these wishes is correct

first detroit epiphany

the trick to not being overwhelmed is Presence
the trick to Presence is pausing and taking a breath
the trick to remembering I’m allowed to do that is Sovereignty
the trick to Sovereignty is boundaries
the trick to boundaries is being willing to say Hey I Feel Uncomfortable
the trick to being willing to say that
(other than knowing the cost of not saying it)
is practice practice practice practice

second detroit epiphany

turn up not on
in other words
when my boundaries and force field and panther grace are
already in play, I just need to turn up the volume
but if I forget they exist until I need them
then it’s begin again from zero
when I’m already exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed, scared, disconnected
time to begin from light
which means

relax my jaw, relax my jaw again
pause and breathe, pause and breathe again
drop shoulders
stand in my power
glow

what do I know about my wish

being a bell (resonant, clear, cutting through space) creates a beautiful boundary
and it is also beautiful boundaries that preserve my bell-ness

in order to ring at maximum bell state
there are conditions that need to be in place
and that is what this wish is about, I think,
being someone who prioritizes those conditions so greatly
that I will not compromise them
being at my most resonant is both the kindest thing I can do for myself
and a great service to the world
I would like to remember this
even if it requires repeating it to myself several thousand times a day
until eventually I just live it

now

I texted Sarah about how I want her to
teach me cha cha as if I didn’t know cha cha and
as if she didn’t want me to know that she was teaching me cha cha
like, how would she go about tricking me into acquiring
the presence and body awareness required
to excel at cha cha?
but really when I said cha cha I meant being a panther
and then an hour later I was at the grocery store
staring intently at a jar of olive spread with a goddess on it
when someone whispered in my ear
“the answer is yes”
and it was her
(Sarah, not the goddess from the jar)
and then she hugged me and ran away
and this really happened
which is to say
this is a small sweet funny world that we live in
and why not believe in big joy and magic

the superpower of sexy fearless powerful presence

this month is WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

I have been wilding hard, and this is right

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called who shines the light of this fierce independence …

and hahahaha it was about boundaries and so many other things
I also got to be the Divorced Almost Forty Year Year Old
modeling joyful life at the wedding
which is important
I am shining the light of this fierce independence anywhere I can
in me and through me and into all the dimly lit spaces
and the unknown

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 408th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Setting up my day in terms of Truth and Video Game. This is what I usually call playing in the soft versus working in the hard.

For example, my video game list might include things like “write check to M, get provisions from grocery store, urgent laundry situation, ask person X about thing Y…”

And my truth list is more like “today I want to shimmer and spark, I am practicing wearing the cloak of someone who deeply trusts life, there is plenty of time for what is most important…”

I might try…

I want to remember to keep asking my project what it wants me to know for now, so that I don’t get overwhelmed by all the possible things I could be working on.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of Fierce Independence, and here were the days:

Awake = freedom. Ready to trust life. What is simple. Where ease meets joy. Plenty of time. I hold the light (because I am the light). Clean and clear.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Setting boundaries is my cardio. The Havi Brooks story.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. My body had so much trouble on a hike. The visiting faraway beautiful cowboy, who always likes to get to the top of a high thing as fast as possible, suggested we climb Hamilton mountain, on the Washington side of the Columbia Gorge. I like pretty views and outdoors and waterfalls and long walks, and I appreciated that he chose something he thought I could do. But then my body just could not do it, and I was tired and kept getting dizzy, and had to sit on the ground and rest literally every five minutes if not more often than that. And oh the agonizing self-judgement and shame that accompanied this even though my body is my body and my only job in life is to meet it where it is with love, and this has been my primary focus for the past eleven years, but guess what, there is a lot of rigging in the rigged game, and so I felt shame about my body for being my body. A breath of love for me in that moment.
2. It is incredible how quickly the monster-brigade of self-criticism and comparison can take over the brain in a moment like that. I felt bitterly envious of everyone who blew past us on the trail while I rested and rested and rested some more. Envious of their strong, capable twenty year old legs and their lack of cellulite and their good moods and their ability to keep going. I needed REASONS for why my body couldn’t do what I thought it “should” be able to do, instead of being amazed by what it can do, and does, for me, in every moment of the day. (“Maybe it’s the 90 degree heat, maybe the bottle of wine we drank the night before since I hardly ever drink, maybe-probably iron deficiency again, maybe Some Horrible Reason Of Doom And I’m Probably About To Keel Over And Die Right Now, etc.”) I forgot truth. Truth says I don’t ever need a reason to go at the pace that I need to go, and this body that houses me is a miracle, all the time. Sometimes it’s like my whole system just disconnects from truth. So let’s have a breath of compassion and a breath of truth, I am okay whether I remember this or not, and not remembering it sometimes is also okay because it’s very understandable and part of the process of remembering.
3. Three and a half days with the beautiful cowboy (aka Operation Field Work) went by way too fast. A breath for wanting more when I can’t have more.
4. A spell was broken and I didn’t want it to break. A breath for this.
5. Creep on plane thought he could get away with inappropriate touching, and then of course denied it, and I insisted on moving seats. Also had to repeatedly explain this week about how invisible limitations work, and identify to people what is not possible for me to do even though from the outside it looks as though I could and just don’t want to. A breath for powerful boundaries and radiant presence.
6. It is extra hard right now to take good care of myself and also get anything done and so many important time-sensitive (work and personal) keep getting lost in the shuffle. I mean, the game is rigged anyway, so doing all this is basically impossible to begin with, but when you are between homes and on the move and you have nowhere to really land and all your stuff is always somewhere else, this is extra-extra-extra challenging. A breath of steadiness.
7. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. This week was filled with many beautiful joyful things, and I will start with this: I made it to the top of the mountain, despite blisters and being about to keel over the whole way! Monsters say this is really nothing to be impressed about but I am going to be impressed with myself anyway. It was indeed spectacularly beautiful. The way back down was blessed with ease: no people in sight, and a lovely cool breeze on the other side of the mountain. Then outrageously delicious tacos at Walking Man, and a baptismal dunking in a swimming hole in the bracingly cold Washougal river before the sun went down, then snuggling into our treehouse lair with great joy, and peaceful happy hearts. A breath.
2. Big wild sweetness, intensity and closeness. A breath for joy and magic.
3. So proud and grateful about The Toast acknowledging the rigged game bullshit that is creating something amazing but having to carry it yourself. Extraordinary community is quite possibly the most exciting thing in the world, and constant [work + raising of funds] is not sustainable, and there doesn’t seem to be a good way to have solve this but how can we solve it when no one brings up how broken this is? Very few people talk about this openly and honestly, and I brim over with appreciation for The Toast: for what was, and how beautiful it was, and for ending it in right timing with this big honesty. A breath of gratitude and saying thank you because it’s the right thing to say.
4. A spell was broken and now I am free. I thought the answer to what was hurting would be “trust more” but it was actually more like “trust more and care less”, which maybe isn’t all that helpful except then I magically was able live that. A breath for new beginnings.
5. After not dancing or practicing for most of the month, I rented an actual dance studio for two hours like an actual dancer and DANCED. It was amazing. Then two private lessons with my teacher who was in town, and she saw big improvement and we had a breakthrough, so maybe time off has been good for me. Waltz brunch was glorious. Live band. Dance floor was so crowded that dancing became an adventure in deep trust and intimacy, because you just had to believe your partner was going to whisk you through the crowd, like whirling between raindrops without getting wet. Big magic. A breath for movement.
6. I said what I needed (which is brave!) and got what I wanted (which is a cool bonus!) and felt peaceful and relieved about standing up for myself. Rewriting old patterns. A breath of appreciation.
7. Going through this big intense time in my life and most of the time not falling apart about this, and I don’t even know how to explain what a big deal this is. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for being able to access my adventurous spirit when I need it most
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a wild affair, a perfect midnight meal at the Fleetwood, people in my life who understand, the best smiles, trusting life. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for power of trusting life, immediately forgot about that, and then it was the theme of my week. It’s a good one.

Powers I want.

The superpower of being glowingly unapologetic about the fullness and richness of who I am.

The Salve of Appreciation.

This salve smells delicious and reminds me to breathe. When I wear it, I notice what is beautiful to me and smile at it, and I make small adjustments in my environment (external and also internal) so that there is even more that invites me to smile.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes from my brother, who is also the most considerate person I know and makes all of his plans in service of…

Maximum Doom Avoidance

Obviously they’re a metal band and their latest album is Fuck You I Am Not A Touch Screen, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

wish bubbles

all week long I have been reflecting on all the beautiful wishes
(oh wow what beautiful wishes!)
that have been bubbling to the surface in response to last week’s
wish about filling the cups that needs filling
and emptying those which needs emptying

the cups that need filling:
everything that supports me
the cup of Well-Being and Bell-Being
ease, peacefulness, joy, and havi-essence

the cups that need emptying:
stress, overwhelm, getting overloaded by
everyone else’s energy and the internet
and being a highly sensitive person who finds the world
loud and overstimulating,
who finds being in the world exhausting
as if everything around me sloshes into the cup
until there’s metaphorical red wine all over the metaphorical carpets

light

I had a striking epiphany related to this wish
while sharing the most gorgeous and vulnerable waltz with a stranger
something about how waltz, done well, is about flow
trust and flow
and oh wait, I know of other things that have these
flow-and-cleanse empty-and-fill superpowers….

it is LIGHT AND WATER which empty and fill cups
these are what I need more of to be a
clear conduit for source and vitality, life and aliveness
these are what I need to fill up on
and also to allow to flow through me in order to empty
everything in my life that needs emptying

relearning

the funny part is: I already knew this
I knew that light is (for me)
both the question and the answer
and I know this from skipping the stones of
what needs to be eliminated and what needs to be illuminated
also known as what enhances my ability to access my light
and what obstructs?

I need to be near water, soaking in water, walking by the water
this is how I get to my light

elements

these are my elements
immerse in water
then breathe in light be the light glow the light
golden sunlight streaming through me and into the earth
my friend who is gone believed
we are vessels for light
in other words we heal through sparking and glowing

what is simple and also promotes joy

this was the question that came to me this week
the meeting point of simplicity and maximum joyfulness
that’s what I am going for
breathing deep

if I can’t hear the answer to this question
(which happens a lot)
that is a pretty good sign I need to
return to the protocol
of urgent self-care
taking exquisite care of myself until I am able to once again
let myself know what I know

aching

my hips ached this week
you should have seen the terrible faces I made hobbling
down the half flight of stairs at Agent Emdee’s house
I asked Louise-who-is-usually-if-annoyingly-right
and she said aches are longing to be held (yes, that is me)
and hip pain hints at fear of moving forward (okay, that too)
in fact that is a pretty accurate snapshot of what my life looks like
this week

and then a spell that has been a spell for a long time
was suddenly and mysteriously broken
and I am no longer afraid of forward movement
no longer hurt that the person I want to hold me
isn’t able to show up
and then my hips were fine

changing the question

pain is not interesting while it is happening because it hurts too much
but pain is of course very interesting
and mine showed me some things about making peace with what is

for example, the answer to the question
“what is simple and also promotes joy”
might be (for me) dancing or stretching
but if body hurts too much to move, it becomes clear this answer is
equal parts wishful and theoretical

in this moment

the question needs to float back to this moment now
what is simple for me as I am right now in this moment
what will promote joy given where I am in this moment

and even better questions

instead of trying to Make Progress on my projects
sometimes I remember to ask my projects what they want me to know
here is what the basement studio told me with great enthusiasm

1. everything will shift when the curtains are up, and you already measured and ordered and had curtain rods left over from the Playground, so the thing that is most significant for changing the energy is already 90% done
2. relax — it’s all being handled, follow what shifts energy
3. be the wild wonder that you are, instead of trying to check things off
4. this space is holy — like the Playground, it exists to support safety, creativity, sovereignty and transformation, but it is all for you
5. think of this less as a cleaning project and more like rededicating a temple
6. time to get your witchy on, or get your witchy back…

being Z

my project also reminded me to keep talking to Z (incoming me, the zen adventurer)
so I can figure out how Z’s superpowers work, for example…
Z is never overwhelmed because Z trusts life and
Z just follows the next indicated step and doesn’t worry about the big picture because
Z can zoom in and zoom out and
Z believes deeply in There Is Plenty Of Time

Z is unapologetically luscious
with the look of why yes I did just roll out of bed two minutes ago after having obscenely good sex, that is correct

Z is wildly confident, wonderfully tranquil, outrageously beautiful
fiercely independent
a free spirit who finds joy and breathes deep
Z values safety, sanctuary and recovery
and is okay with hiding and crying when that is what is needed
knowing that none of this is in conflict with being a adventurer having adventures
extreme self-care is the default, not the emergency response

whoa a thing I just realized about witchiness

I have been talking with friends about this theme of
being a Woman Who Lives Her Life Alone and On Her Own Terms
and how it doesn’t seem like it would be that big a deal or
all that subversive (but it is!)
because following your yes when it is not aligned with cultural expectations
is work
it just is

and it is eye-opening how many people don’t understand this
or believe your independence is a temporary phase until you are Happy Like Them
I had the thought this week that maybe this
harks back to some ancient archetype
like the witch in the forest
a woman living alone in unconventional space
she has power and she has pull and also she scares us
because she doesn’t need the things everyone says we are supposed to need

heroines, a word I am not sure if I like or not

there are so few models for this too
I remember this from living alone after my divorce
cherishing each moment in my tiny studio in florentin
sustained by knowing there would be no stomach-clenching dread
of key-in-the-door
because no one else had the right to enter my space

who are the heroines of this fierce independence
against the grain
where do we see them
who do I know who lives this

name them

I am thinking of Mildred from Excellent Women by Barbara Pym,
who has moments of delighting in her quiet life alone
but is also conflicted by it because she believes something else is necessary
hmm is that the best example I can think of at the moment
I certainly do not feel inspired by, for example,
the women of Sex And The City, anxious and unhappy with life,
where are the ones who are tough and content and spark wild
there is Miss Fisher of course, who is marvelous,
though it does seem to help to have unlimited funds doesn’t it

anyway, the rigged game ensures that we don’t see
these strong independent solo-life women represented in film or television
I suppose there are many more examples now than when I was growing up
but none of them seem to be happy

there’s a bit of a theme to this actually….

Olivia Pope lives alone but in a very unlikely way (she drinks red wine on her white couch in her all-white outfits and never spills), she’s incapable of feeding herself, and wants to be married in Vermont making jam, and also money is not an issue for her

Alice Vaughn lives alone but is widely acknowledged to have Failed At Life because she was engaged to a conman, and also money is not an issue for her

Annalise Keating lives alone, but mainly because her husband conveniently got murdered and left her all his money, and it should also be noted that she never actually gets to be alone

Kate Beckett, to briefly retreat from shondaland, lives alone but is always at work and then moves in with her boyfriend and his mom for absolutely no reason, and money is not an issue for her

Alex Parrish lives alone but we are led to understand this is mainly because she can’t keep anyone in her life, and somehow, again, money is mysteriously not an issue

boundaries

my wise friend agent emdee said this
about choosing freedom
and how it also means choosing the margins:

“When it becomes harder to pass as part of the culture, we have to have firmer boundaries. A woman, living simply and on her own terms, writing and dancing and being alive? Fuck yeah, that is actually a big deal.”

this strikes me as wonderful and slightly hilarious
that my return to my quiet witchiness is a radical move
poof! back to my roots!

and more about boundaries

this morning I said to a friend that setting boundaries is my cardio
and okay this was a joke but also it really does feel like a workout sometimes
I am noticing what happens when I agree to let people overstep and assume
how I make myself small and compact
the way I try to ignore the tight clenching of my stomach that is my internal no
out of some misguided desire to be “nice” and “good” and not make trouble

what do I know about my wish

this is a diamond of a wish
it includes holding the light and being the light
remembering that the game is rigged in such a way as to keep us from
turning inward to get the intel we already have and need the most
yes it is a radical act to pause and ask questions
to listen and wait

and this is a wish about practicing Crown On
so that I can glow the most beautiful radiant boundaries
effortlessly
so that I can be my most wild self
devoted to freedom
exploring my edges
strong and sure in my own power

and doing all this with great gentleness and patience

because everything about this goes against how we have been raised and trained
everything about this is brave and hard
so we take our time and breathe
and take care of ourselves
hiding when hiding is needed
crying when crying is needed
this is also called presence
and this is also called compassion
and this is also called love

now

I am in ann arbor, michigan and the far-away beautiful boy came here too, and we went to late-late-late-night dinner at the fleetwood diner,
which is a thing I used to do twenty years ago,
and that was surreal and also delicious
I feel oddly at home in the rooms we are renting for the weekend
with the impossibly loud creaky wooden stairs
the taps in the bath where hot is cold and cold is hot and you have to turn them up instead of down to shut them off
the woman who owns the home reminds me so much of my mother
there must be, one assumes, a word in some language somewhere for feeling bewilderingly nostalgic and thoroughly charmed while someone is delivering a fifteen minute explanation of how there are extra blankets in case you get cold, because even though it is the worst it is also the best

the superpower of sexy fearless powerful presence

this month is WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

I have been wilding hard, and this is right

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called empty the cup / fill the cup …

I don’t think I have ever had a wish here generate
SO MANY NEW WISHES related to it,
so I call this a remarkably successful wish,
because I know so much more than I ever did before about both emptying and filling

and while I did not exactly enjoy
all the boundary-setting opportunities that came up,
I do appreciate that keeping certain cups from overflowing
and other cups filled
requires beautiful radiant boundaries, so I feel thankful

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 407th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

OTAAT! Aka One Thing At A Time.

And focusing on being really present with that one thing. Pausing to breathe. One breath. Next breath. Yes.

Remembering that I can stop worrying about the other things because of how fractal flowers work — whatever I am doing right now is secretly helping all the other projects under the surface, phew!

I might try…

Asking solutions to show themselves to me, and then getting really quiet so that I can notice when that happens. Instead of being like, “oh crap all these problems need me to solve them” and then making the logic computer work overtime, when that isn’t even where the answers need to come from.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of A New Story, and here were the days:

Immerse in good. Find the light. Like a flower. Trust life! I’m the best in my field. To The Treehouse. Doors opening (to let light in).

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Crying: What If You Decide It’s A Car Wash For Your Face!

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. I cried a lot about my mother this week. Amazing what can set this off, the words crewel embroidery, someone wearing narrow stripes (she hated that, it hurt her eyes), a piece of jewelry, a turn of phrase. I do not even know how people who were actually close to their no-longer-alive mothers handle the agonizing week around mother’s day when everyone is talking about mothers. A breath.
2. Three and a half months since the last visit with the faraway beautiful boy, it was going to be one month but [illusory plans are illusory]. He came to town but immediately had to rush off to a high-priority work project for two days because he still has not figured out how to prioritize things like love, wild joy sparks, or sweet transcendent moments of oh wow what is this intense energy thing happening here. Anyway, people vary, and that is something that just is, and sometimes I am able to not have hurt feelings about this. But mainly I just felt aching and vulnerable and raw about all of this, and we made plans for him to swing by on his way through town to steal five minutes together. I was working out and came to meet him in the parking lot, and was so ready to just ENJOY these five minutes of being in the same space and breathing the same air: long slow smiles and long slow almost-kisses. But instead I burst into tears and cried off all my makeup while he handed me napkins from the glove compartment and watched me unravel and kissed my hand, probably since the rest of me was covered in snot and streaky eyeliner. A breath for me.
3. While standing on the toilet and painting the ceiling, stepped backwards and kicked over a can of primer, which flooded the floor and splashed up onto onto every part of the bathroom except the ones that needed paint. The sink, the vanity, the cabinets. I basically live in a rom com. It’s 95% com. But cue all my internal monsters about how I am clumsy and unaware and will never move with grace and I ruin everything and cannot function in the world of things, etc. A breath for meeting myself with love.
4. Accumulated exhaustion does interesting things. In addition to Sobbing in a Subaru (the alternate title of my biopic), there were other moments where I got overloaded and overwhelmed by what seemed like not very much. Being tired makes all the wrong cups full, and then the tiniest addition of stress leads to it all overflowing. A breath for deep rest.
5. A misunderstanding/miscommunication with someone I love. A breath for wanting to be seen, heard, understood, received with love.
6. Not putting agreed-upon-things into a contract turned out to be very expensive this week, and this brought up memories of similar frustrating situations, and then the Big Shame kicked in about how have I not learned this lesson yet. A breath for remembering that this not about how I am terrible at life, this is about the opportunity for Do-Overs and the quality of Sovereignty.
7. Something I hadn’t considered while being temporarily marvelously blasé about the construction project being eight weeks “behind” schedule, is that so is everything else. May was going to be my writing month and instead it is a spilling paint everywhere month, and monsters about this as well. A breath of comfort, and for remembering that There Is Time and Nothing Is Wrong.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. I had been feeling so down about how my painting project is going to take a hundred million weekends (approximately, according to monster calculations) and will never be done and I am so bad at it and have no friends! And then my former housemate took an entire day off work just to help me paint, and we just cruised through it. Only two and a half walls left! Amazing. A breath for feeling so very loved and supported.
2. The faraway beautiful boy and I ran away for three nights to stay in a tree house and watch the river and drink wine and smile at each other. A breath for how happy I am right now.
3. I am having so many good ideas! A breath of joy.
4. A thing that was impossible to imagine and seemed far off and far away now seems doable. I think I see a glimmer of a way to have a (temporary) good home for me, and maybe something even better down the line. Need to sleep on it, but ideas are brewing. A breath for new beginnings.
5. My monsters who think I’m Failing Spectacularly at passing as a functioning adult had to back down this week when it became clear that actually I am a free spirit having wild adventures, which is what I’ve always wanted, so how about we redefine what it means to be a functioning adult! A breath for new stories, and calling bullshit.
6. Things take as long as they take, and I am okay with that, and this still feels new and exiting. A breath of appreciation and play.
7. Surprise good news. A breath of big wild joy.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of friends who keep the guest room made up for me just in case, having the just right dress, a dog who decided we should be best friends, big gratitude for small things, sitting on a tree-porch watching the water with a heart full of love. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for power of appreciating all the good in my life, and I received this!

Powers I want.

The superpower of trusting life.

The Salve of Trusting Life mixed with Big Wild Joy.

This is a salve of pink and purple sunsets, of moving the way a child does (with curiosity and fearlessness and awe), and big buddha belly laughter about the absurd beauty of life.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes from experiencing something as being the absolute last straw (now I can’t remember what it was, of course) while being a sloppy typist. The album title is from Chloe and Claire in Australia, who had non-metaphorical pancakes together without me, which is okay because one day I shall join them. Here’s the band!

The Lady Straw

Their latest album is Literal Pancakes, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!