unexpected side effects

suddenly out of nowhere at the age of 39 I have allergies
sneezing my face off, eyes watering and red
I had to ask people what makes it stop
and it turns out that fexofenadine packs a punch (for me)
I have thick intense dreams
and slowly come to each morning with a phrase in my mouth
it circulates through my entire body, pulsing,
pausing in my mouth
cycling through again until I am awake enough
to write it down

hmmm phrase doesn’t seem strong enough
an instruction? a request?
or a wish in the form of a witchy incantation
it has an insistence to it
tugging at me until it has my full attention

trust, love

this morning it was follow the sweetness
yesterday was get wild and clear
the day before, the first day, was the most bewildering:

trust love: it’s time to trust love

it is time to trust love
the more time I give this
the less I understand it
sometimes words become a wave crashing through me
washing away what is and was and could be
I watch the water and I am the water and
I do not understand anything about anything

some questions

I am asking myself
what does it mean to trust love
why do I not trust love
what would it be like to trust love
who is the me who trusts love
what changes when I know how to trust love
what happened to me that I do not trust love

hmmm let us ask some new questions
because these are tinged with sadness
and calcified stories about people who
[loved me and then stopped loving me]
and I can feel how much the monsters like these questions

let’s channel my friend A’s awe-inspiring ability to
move from pain into
love more and trust more
let’s approach from a different corner

chance

Richard Powers, the most inspiring dance instructor I know,
says dance is about welcoming chance intrusions
therefore dance training is developing the skills that allow you to
welcome chance intrusions
you planned for X but then you get Y
a good dancer thinks, oh wow this is cool
this is not the same as being able to handle an unanticipated challenge
nope, this is the advanced practice: welcoming it
receptivity / breath / presence / curiosity / a smile

he talked about his teachers
and I expected him to name all the dance greats
but he said “anyone who is alive, and receptive to life,
and appreciative, this person becomes a teacher for me”
this is how I feel exactly

life and aliveness
come in
let’s play
I want to be here now, saying yes to this moment
and if it’s one of the hard moments
(and god knows there’s no shortage of those)
to meet it and myself with love
with acknowledgment and legitimacy, patience and presence
wholeheartedly whole whole whole heart

welcoming

if I can welcome life, I can learn to trust life
not to trust life to not-screw-with-me, because oh it will
that’s just the way of things
but to trust that I can navigate
what comes or doesn’t come
I can take care of myself to the best of my abilities
pick myself up and kiss my bruises
pat my tears dry
find something loving and reassuring to say to me-who-fell
if I can trust life, surely I can learn to trust love

okay what do I know about love

it lives in me
a quality of source
therefore: I can access it through any other quality
for example, I might not feel confident about love in this moment
but I know about comforting small scared me
and love and comfort share the same DNA,
so I can access one through the other

sometimes I can forget truth:
any person who is currently a delivery mechanism for love into my life
is not the source of love
just a mailbox
if I lose this particular access point, there will be other access points
other drop boxes, as many as needed, internal and external
love will come in
because love is
I can breathe love in and out
it is never gone

forgetting and remembering

I can forget that love is available to me
but that does not make it any less available
eventually my storms will calm, my breath will quiet
my attention will turn inward
the dust will settle
a light will come on in my heart
or really it will be revealed that the light
was there all along
and I will glow with love
in my thank-you heart

interior design

so, a funny thing
I often joke that I’m an interior designer
very, very, very interior
exploring the territories deep inside myself
finding abandoned places and opening the windows
letting the light in,
refurbishing as needed, and mostly
listening to what those spaces want to reveal or become
and — this is the part I find funny —
right now I am in the process of figuring out
where and how I will live IN REAL LIFE
trying to imagine/invent/uncover the design elements
of Havi-space

so my life right now is interior design coupled with, yes, interior design

welcoming, again

I keep thinking about Rumi and that beautiful imagery of the guest house
his wish-vision that we open our doors to the emotion of the moment
in order to let it come in and be what it is:

“Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.”

welcome chance intrusions, the unexpected moment, says Richard
welcome visitors of feelings, the intense ones too, says Rumi

say hello, get curious, be there for this encounter:
oh wow, fear, what do you need, can I make you some tea?
what is here for me
what treasures are in this

(obviously, always always always Safety First)

there is no self-fluency without the concept of Safety First
we play and live by Safety First
so if that means you have to ask fear to
go hang out in its safe house while you hang out in yours
that works, that’s a good plan,
and of course you get to set the ground rules,
for example, you can request that fear only communicate with you
through an interpreter (wisest you, perhaps) or a negotiator
that’s absolutely fair

welcoming doesn’t mean relinquishing boundaries
or your ability to care for yourself
we have to be able to welcome ourselves first
this is important

we can live by Safety First and still maintain the mindset of welcoming

kicking is the opposite of welcoming

it is so common in this “self-improvement”-obsessed internet world of ours
to encounter people pushing their latest five-step-method for
kicking fear to the curb and giving fear the boot and all related forms of
conquering/taming/vanquishing/banishing/mastering
none of these things are required
they are in fact the opposite of welcoming, the last thing that fear needs,

and not that effective in the long term
because the more barriers you build to keep fear out
the harder it will work to get your attention

hearth

but when you ask fear what it wants
and make it a strawberry smoothie,
listen to its stories, ask questions,
offer it a blanket when it gets cold
then it will trust you
and curl up and sleep by the fire
and one day you will know your fear so well
that there isn’t anything scary about it anymore,
when it shows up, blanket in hand,
you’ll just say, aw honey what can I for do you to make things better?
your approach of welcoming has become the automatic response
you take care of both fear and scared you at the same time
smoothies and blankets for everyone!

see, that’s love

I do know about love
and I do know about trusting love
in that sense

I know about the process of
welcoming the lost and hurting parts of me
the uncomfortable sensations
tucking them in instead of kicking them out
releasing what is not mine, with love
cherishing the space inside of me
and making it welcoming for me to experience what I’m experiencing

what is my wish this week

it is to trust love
but there is so much more to that
this is a wish about meeting myself with such kindness
in my grief and sorrow and anguish
in the most awkward and embarrassing moments
in rage and in paralyzing fear
to let love wash through me
and say, yes, I am a real live human being
with real uncomfortable emotions which sometimes scare me
and nothing is wrong

I scribbled notes during two days of training with Richard Powers
most of them make no sense now so I just have to trust
that it is all inside of me
and will reconfigure into dance wisdom that lives in my body
in the right timing
but the last page says
SHOW UP FOR LIFE, FOR DANCE, FOR JOY

this is my wish this week
this is how I want to practice trusting love

now

today I was going to buy a ticket to phoenix
to see someone I love
and now I am not
(time to trust love)

I kiss the palms of my hands and press them to my cheeks
letting my fingertips brush across my forehead
(time to trust love)

peeling a grapefruit with my fingers
I pause to inhale the scent of its skin
remembering the beautiful year I spent working in the orchards
those trees are gone forever
(time to trust love)

there’s no time like the present, as the saying goes,
and this is suddenly hilarious
because literally There. Is. No. Time. Like the present…
and no time other than the present
that’s all there is
it is the right time because it is the only time and all time all at once
there is only this so
it’s time to trust love

the superpower of beautifully supported

ah here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and oh how I need this superpower of
Beautifully Supported
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called something entirely new…
it was a raw and vulnerable wish, and I felt so understood and appreciated
thank you everyone for sharing it with me
here’s to the incoming/ongoing superpowers of
I Hear My Yes and listening with love
letting the new come in

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 402nd week in a row we are chickening here together!

What worked this week?

Being conscious and playful with ENTRY for potentially stressful interactions. Thinking about ways I could bring in light-heartedness and find common ground with the person on the other side.

This was so lovely, and not only did it help me stay calm, focused and positive, I also ended up having a completely charming and hilarious conversation with the person on the other side of the live chat function, and how often does that happen when dealing with an institution like a bank?

Next time I might…

Take care of myself first!

Naming the days.

This week was the week of something entirely new, and here were the days:

Focused zeroing in on yes. A beautiful day. Oh wow in a good way. Day of yeses. Day of wild joy. Day of surprise good. I live the ease.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

I Have Apparently Forgotten How To Smile Back At Good Looking Strangers In The Grocery Store

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. I want a home. I want a home that is safe, cozy, welcoming and feels like Havi space. I want this so much, and some days it seems closer, and some days it seems impossible. A breath for this.
2. This was an intensely busy, discombobulated week, and I was off balance. Arrived for three hours of dance lessons without my dance shoes, for example. Things like that. Also, I forgot that when I do a promotion (like the shop closing), then thousands of people are thinking about me, which I feel in the form of headaches and wobbliness. A breath for the ground.
3. Friends and situations who echo the things my monsters say, and contribute to my false but deeply held belief that I am screwing up my life and am exceptionally bad at functioning at an adult at the most basic level. A breath for the question “is this really about me?” and remembering to breathe and let it go because truth is truth, and truth reminds me that Shit Is Not About Me.
4. Not wanting to go to bed, not wanting to fall asleep, craving distraction, missing the boy who left seven months ago, wishing I would get over it already but that’s not actually how things work, at least not right now. A breath for comfort.
5. Things being complicated, in very unnecessary ways. A check not arriving when anticipated. A password suddenly not working. Internet stopped working at the house completely, inexplicably. Sometimes the world is just sort of off. This week was more like, “hmmmmm, extremely suspicious, are mystery henchmen secretly gaslighting me?” levels of this. A breath for trust, again, and for catching the next wave.
6. Logistics, as you know, are my least favorite thing, and that’s my whole life right now. When can X happen, not until Y which depends on factor Z, but in order to learn more about Z, there are ten other considerations, three of which take me back to X. I can get way too sucked into this, which is not good because it’s all moving parts, and so much depends on outside factors. A breath for patience, spaciousness, ease and more trust.
7. It is 84 degrees in Portland, which is stupid hot, not to mention deeply distressing. Additionally I am having my yearly “caught by surprise by summer” panic, when the heat stirs up not-good memories from Then, plus I need things I don’t have and don’t have time to look for. Like flip flops that don’t tear up the sensitive skin on the tops of my feet, and a sun dress I like, and a pedicure. A breath for easing.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Richard Powers is in town this weekend! He’s a dance historian who is also, I think, one of the most fascinating dance instructors on the planet. Just reading the schedule fills me with such intense excitement, this is dance geek paradise, with such wildly interesting and unlikely workshops such as “Electro Swing One Step and the Charleston Rag” or “Waltz in 5/4, 8/4 and 11/4 timing”. We will also learn The Waverly. I don’t even know what that is but I am too excited to care. A breath of joy and gratitude that I get to take part in this.
2. Friends. The Vicar kept me on track this week by saying all the right things. Bourbon on the porch with Agent Emdee. Colleen the Signmaker texting love. Agent Spalding has a knack for asking the right questions, and makes me think harder, which is wonderful. A breath of appreciation.
3. Signed the lease with new tenants who move in next month. Two stuck projects started moving. Contractors showed up. It’s a lot of big change, but it is good change. A breath for this.
4. Big dance joy at blues dancing, and three lessons with my favorite west coast swing teacher. A breath for learning and implementing.
5. While there were some minor panics this week, the hard bits of this week were nothing like last week’s. Totally doable. We’ve got this. A breath for ease.
6. I did brave things! I took chances! I said what I want! I said no when it was the right answer! I asked for more intel! This is good. A breath for courage.
7. So much more ease this week, so much awareness of what it is like to access the mindset of With The Greatest of Ease/Es, and much joy playing with my current favorite E: Equanimity. A breath of relief and gratitude.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of laughter, walking in the sun, iced tea. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Big movement on the Studio Op and The Fountaining. New thoughts on operation Wild Wild Nest. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage slow and steady. Looking forward to The Wild Convening when the time is right. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I hereby bestow vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of deep abiding trust. And I got much more of that than anticipated. Sending my worries on holiday to a tropical island was an excellent plan as well.

Powers I want.

I want all the powers of roots and beautifully supported.

The Salve of On The Swing

This salve delivers many interesting superpowers. For example, the superpowers hidden in a pendulum: consistency, timing, measured, always moving through neutral to reach one edge and then another, mesmerizing. The quiet calm feeling of sitting contentedly on a porch swing in the moonlight.

The superpowers of being on a swing in the park on a glorious afternoon: joy and play, breeze and movement, that magically anticipatory moment of beautifully suspended, and then the moment of gravity taking you back….

And of course, let’s not forget the power of claiming space: taking up space in your own swing.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band:

The End Is Trivial

It’s a ska band, their latest album is Math Is All Secrets, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

Last day of the the shop!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Wow, this week, you guys. What a week of high contrast, for me at least. The dark bits very dark, the light flooding in. I am so grateful for this chicken space to just let it all go, where we can integrate the wisdom and say whoosh-goodbye to everything that is done.

Thank you, week!

This is the 401st week in a row we are chickening here together!

What worked this week?

Asking the right questions, like what do I know about dilemmas and what if this dilemma is not in fact a dilemma!

What else worked? Having an (imaginary) secret agent make lists for me and give me one step at a time. I get overwhelmed and have trouble prioritizing things, but she doesn’t…

Next time I might…

Ohmygod, don’t click. Why do I click on things. It is never good. Or, it so rarely good. I keep thinking of the rats in experiments who push for food pellets, except in this case 90% of the time it’s poison, so pushing is not advised.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of finding the ease, and here were the days:

Bells know. Extreme self-treasuring. Finding the ease. Interesting adventure! Surprise joy. Relaxed and positive. Sweetness comes in.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Could Leave Bed To Acquire Food But Would Have To Leave Bed So….

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Being in the hard pattern that is hard. A breath for how hard it is.
2. My secret dance op in Seattle was frustrating and isolating and not worth the work of getting there. It was a very effective op in terms of teaching me about what not to do (don’t follow half-yeses!), and also in terms of getting me to be someone who can take better care of herself, and I hope the learning gets easier. A breath for me.
3. Visiting the [Egyptian Straits], or the dark and narrow places, the downs, choose a geographical metaphor for the place that is constricted and when I am there I cannot see its beauty nor remember what is good. A breath for ease, trust, moving through, getting my passport stamped and being on my way again.
4. Craving closeness, sweetness, affection, warmth. Everyone in my life is suddenly distant. It is my job to access these qualities on my own, and this is right, and at the same time, I long to be in the arms of the beautiful faraway cowboy who (monsters say) just wants to forget me. A breath for trust, again.
5. Zero energy and too much pain and no motivation to get out of bed. A breath for acknowledgment, permission, and remembering that Now Is Not Then: needing a Bed Day or three is a perfectly reasonable reaction to [life stuff], and not a diagnosis.
6. I am so endlessly fascinated by the Rigged Game, how it is so powerful in convincing us that it is not rigged. For example, I have been alive for four decades, so it’s kind of weird that I am still surprised EVERY SINGLE TIME
   something takes significantly longer than I think it should, even though this happens so many times a day that it is the only normal I know. Also I have officially reached the limit of my ability to live out of suitcases stacked in a tiny packed basement storage room, I spend a disproportionate amount of my time desperately searching for things I need and not finding them, and it is the worst. A breath for spaciousness, in a variety of forms.
7. So many dilemmas! A breath for sweet, simple, surprise solutions.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Secret Agent Cheerio Worth stepped in, with good cheer, of course, and made everything better. Well, Agent Cheerio Worth and the Bed Day Fairy! Which sounds like a children’s book that I want to read. The point is that even in the dark places, the self-fluency training of the past decade is strong enough that my creative playful spark is still there, even in the dark, and I am able to find ways to access presence and play and wise guidance. A breath of joy for this.
2. A long talk with Agent Spalding (who is real, by the way) led me to the most marvelous epiphany! Which is so funny, because I had just asked for Ease and Es. And then received exactly that in the form of epiphanies that deliver ease. How beautiful is that? The epiphany, which is hard to explain, as any good epiphany is, because it sounds so obvious, is that I am not in fact an irresponsible fuck-up. And, moreover, the story about how I am an irresponsible fuck-up is not even my story, it’s a story my mother would tell about me when she was worried about me, and it isn’t true. And she probably only told it because she thought saying the fear might prevent it from happening. Guess what! I don’t need to carry this story which is not mine and is not true. I am shedding stories in the story shed, and this is big work, and maybe that’s what required so much bed rest. A breath of appreciation for the magical thing that is perspective, and how it leads to easing and releasing.
3. I’m not an irresponsible fuck-up! I’m someone who has interesting adventures! These are not the same thing! And interesting adventures naturally lead to recovering in bed, and recovering in bed is a healthy form of self-treasuring and of integrating the work of the interesting adventure! Anyway, to quote the arborist on an entirely different topic, “either I’m a fool or brilliant, who knows and who cares”. A breath of boundless joy for all of this.
4. Lots of good dance stuff this week. Two absolutely mind-blowing workshops with Benji Schwimmer (can we all take a few minutes and watch him back in 2002!). A fantastic night of blues dancing to an amazing live band, who did a seven minute version of TEMPTATION, while I was lucky enough to be paired with one of my very favorite dance partners. We just destroyed that song. And the west coast swing dance night which is pretty hit or miss (mostly miss) was surprise big magic. A breath for wild panther prowess.
5. Got rhyme put in my handbag while at the blues dance. Except I didn’t learn that excellent turn of phrase until the next morning, so I wasn’t able to describe it as well, but basically yes, someone wrote a poem about me and left it in my (open) dance bag. I don’t feel particularly piqued about having a secret admirer but it is charming to be someone who has rhyme written about them, and given all the monster stories this week of Everyone Is Over You, that was a good reminder that no, in fact, people write poetry for me, so there. A breath for being seen.
6. Being in the hard pattern that is hard means I am gathering so much intel about how it works, and how to change it! This is good. Really really good. A breath for changing the video game while I am in it.
7. So far this week all of my dilemmas have been solved by realizing there is in fact no dilemma. A breath of relief and gratitude!
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of all big smiles, coming up with a new plan and a place to live, being wonderfully wrong about things, cheese. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Hey so Operation Bell View Switch was not a total disaster, and now I never need to do it again!

Small but vital steps on the Studio Op and The Fountaining. Thinking hard about operation Wild Wild Nest. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage still ongoing. No news on The Wild Convening but I trust things are moving underground. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I hereby bestow vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of taking exquisite care of myself, more than I think I need, and doing this first. And I got exactly that, which is kind of miraculous, and also might be why I just let myself catch up on a few years of sleep this week.

I also had the surprise power of Nothing To Solve, because my dilemmas turned out not to be dilemmas at all, which was so good, more of that please.

Powers I want.

I want all the powers of deep abiding trust. I want to trust my instincts, trust the earth, trust change, trust in All Is Well.

And, related, I want to send my worries on a two week vacation to a tropical island. They are welcome to stay longer of course, but let’s start with that. And no popping back in on the pretext of having forgotten a parasol!

The Salve of Nothing To Solve

This salve smells delicious, like springtime and hopefulness, excitement and newness. It is wonderfully soothing. It frees up so much energy that was previously tied up in problem-solving and agonizing over pros and cons that you have to go frolic!

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes to us by way of Agent Spalding:

Dirty Commie Claptrap

It’s a ska band, their latest album is Reincarnated Mermaids, and this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear VERY SOON, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time. And if you’re not on the list, get on the list because I might tell them first…

And last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

the river of grief

there are questions that work with grief
and there are questions that do not work with grief
why am I so sad, for example, is not a particularly useful question
unless of course it leads me to remember
that of course I do not need to know the reason
grief just is
and grief is layered
loss reminds us of loss reminds us of loss
and sometimes one tiny unexpected pain-moment of [missing] or [gone]
conjures up a portal
and oh there it is again, the rushing river
the one I am always so reluctant to approach
for fear it will sweep me away forever

and yet
sitting quietly, a safe distance from the river,
wrapped in a warm blanket
watching water be water
and letting the flow flow
saying to myself
yes my love, it makes sense that we are here again
there are reasons
and sitting by the river even when we don’t want to be here
is another way we say yes to life
this helps

this helps

permission, acknowledgement, legitimacy
these are the doors to taking care of myself
these are the doors to self-treasuring

yes, my love, you are allowed to have a good falling-apart
whether or not you know what loss you are mourning in this moment
(and whether or not the monsters think it’s frivolous —
they whisper: get over yourself already, pull yourself together!)
have there not been enough hard things in this life
in this week
are not tears or this tight constricted absence-of-tears
an understandable reaction to
anything, really

permission, acknowledgment, legitimacy
rinse and repeat

the list of questions/likely suspects

• oh, have awful things been happening in the world? ohmygod yes
• and am I a person who unknowingly picks up on pain in the environment and tries to carry the pain of the world? uh huh!
• have I been reading about these things or seeing links/references? probably
• or have I been spending time with people who have? sure
• is now reminding me of then? seems likely
• have I been online soaking up everyone’s energy? sighhh-yes
• am I anywhere near moon time? hahahahahaha!
• is the pain/sorrow/grief/numbness I am currently experiencing something that truly belongs to me or is it possible/likely that I’m carrying other people’s sadness and it’s all being amplified? ah good point
• can I release any pain that is not mine and is not from right now into the magical elevator/mine shaft? into the river? into the molten core of the earth to be transformed? mmmm that’s a little better
• are circumstances challenging right now for [reasons]? and no, monsters do not get to answer this question, this question is directed towards the me who can see clearly, or, if a close friend were in this situation, how many reasons would I see for why it totally makes sense that they’d be falling apart? ah, right
• am I well-rested and generally getting the things I need that help me be the most high-functioning stable calm self I can access? I don’t even know how to answer that question, so okay, that’s good intel!

what would svevo do

that’s another question that is helping
svevo is my wise and wonderful uncle
who takes three naps a day
and does not know how to hurry or worry, because
“traditionally the ROI on worry is very low”
what would svevo do?

nap
go outdoors
prepare food lovingly
pet a dog
smile at people
do some yoga poses on a rug in front of the fire
work on a writing project
sit by a tree
breathe
trust more

Let X = E

I am in transition mode right now and I don’t like
being in transition
I miss having a place to put my clothes
and that rug by the fire feeling

so I am solving for X
solving the mysteries of X
and looking for Es
by which I mean looking for Ease
let X = Ease

what will bring in more ease
there’s a question

what do I already know about X

that is to say: what do I already know about Es
E is for…

Emptying, Entry, Effervescence, Equanimity, Emergence, Embarking, Essence, Ease

and many other good things
E is for echoing
this feels important

what supports good echoing?

white space
nature
water
sitting with the void /sitting with the river
turning inward
removing external sources of noise
being in the mind-state of resonance, reverberation, bell-ness
exquisite self-care
the right questions
that are like skipping stones across the water

what else do I know about ease

acknowledgment, legitimacy and permission
letting the hard be hard (because it is)
is what opens the door to ease and Es
not fighting
not giving up
just noticing: yes, this thing that is hard
is indeed very hard
and I don’t like it and I don’t have to like it,
and I don’t have to like the fact that
I don’t like that I don’t like it
because I am allowed to feel what I am feeling
(and not like it! so there!)
here I am, river
here I am, feelings

I am not the river
and I am not the feelings
I am my own wise wild being, bravely engaging in
conscious interaction with the river and the feelings
and this moment
by letting it all exist

and letting things exist
is the secret to letting them exit

this way to Ease/Es

{I am pausing here to walk through the park and look for clues}

this was a good plan
tree magic + fresh air + happy dogs + tiny children
magnolia leaves
feeling feet on the ground
comforting
I am here

the walk told me:
shed stories
like a snake shedding skins
what more can you shed
let go of the stories

the walk told me to notice what is beautiful now
I feel much better having moved and breathed
that’s probably what svevo would have done too

what else brings Ease?

the usual things
asking questions, for example:
what enhances my ability to experience my light, and what diminishes it?
taking care of myself
quiet
rest
plenty (for example, in the form of flowers or fruit)
fewer projects
more explorations
especially the internal kind
not saying yes to things that are clearly not-joy
following the protocol (apply extreme self-care!)
turning away from the loud goings on of the world
finding out what I want and need in this moment
right now
hand on my heart
eight breaths

what else are Es

elements: stone, earth, air, water, fire
elegance and efficiency of movement
effortlessness (releasing effort)
elongating
ending what needs to be ended
emancipation
energy (releasing what is not mine, protecting what is mine)
enveloping (sanctuary)
ears (listening)
exceptions (secret doors)

how does this relate to my secret yes

last week I found a secret yes
and then I lost it again
and now I am unsure
especially as I spent this past weekend
trying to follow yeses and then compromising on not-yeses

if I listen now
really listen
what do I hear
when I breathe
ask and breathe

what is my yes
to be loved
what is my yes
to love myself
what is my yes
to be free
what is my yes
to free myself
what is my yes
to see beauty everyday
what is my yes
to make it easier on myself to cherish myself
what is my yes
to stop hiding
what is my yes
to shine and glow
what is my yes
to be paid to write and to write what I want to write
what is my yes
to be a great liver (verb, not organ) of life!
liver-and-lover of life

what do I know about my wish this week

still related to the superpowers of the past few wishes:
I Hear My Yes
and also the powers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
(something my B said)
I can look for the Ease or I can look for the Es
either way,
it all comes back to listening
with love

now

my body is craving music and movement, and yet
I don’t want to go dancing tonight
craving shelter, sanctuary, quiet, alone
maybe stretching using the wall
maybe some Old Turkish Lady yoga
cradling knees to chest
yawning extending expanding
(more Es and forms of ease)
I will form forms of ease
yes that sounds better
Es by candlelight
yes

superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now

ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!

last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go

now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called welcoming surprise good news…

I want to wish that wish every week now
because oh wow so much surprise good news!
it was kind of amazing
and now let’s add Ease to the good surprises…

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡