What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
something entirely new / roll call in the sisterhood of reasons
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 352nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
such an interesting and incomplete question
as you may already know
I’m getting ready to close the fluent self shop
where we have various useful products available
for people who want to go deeper into this work of self-fluency
in addition to reading and playing with the vast library of posts
and I know a number of people have been wondering
why I’d do this
why remove income streams or potential income streams
why remove ways for people to do the work
is all that not in fact the opposite of what you want
answers
hmm okay there is a short answer to this question
but it is incomplete
there is an even shorter — the shortest! — answer
the answer of Well That’s What Is Indicated
aka I have to follow my yes even when
I don’t fully understand it
but that’s not much of an explanation
and still only a partial story
I can give longer answers
which go more into the complexities
but what I want in this moment goes beyond answers
what I want is to share with you
something sweet deep and intimate
something from the place where answers
come from
real
I am thinking about these different answers
and their relationship to each other
I am thinking about honesty and raw vulnerability
and how deeply I crave these in life
and in love
I want this to be how I am with myself
how I am with you
I want to be as real and present as possible with you
so I will share all versions of the answer
and maybe in between the words
something beautiful and true can be revealed
trust (more)
so far this year has been one ongoing exercise in trust
in love-more-trust-more
there is a big deep wild trust that is so beyond
anything I know
I’m not there yet
but I can feel it asking me to come in
and maybe part of trusting is knowing that
reasons don’t matter
and, at the same time,
I want this real vulnerable truth-moment with you,
to share my trust-process, trust it will be received with love
so I will share all the reasons
maybe some will make more sense than others
maybe taken together they will form a picture
and you will say yes, oh of course, that makes sense,
I see what you’re getting at with this new way
this new trust
where to begin
let’s start with one of the reasons and
name them until they have all been heard
roll call in the sisterhood of reasons
reasons of head, heart, internal knowing
present, present, present
breathing presence
it’s time
it’s time because
when I get quiet enough
to be a conduit for my own wise knowing
the voice says now
and it’s time in a different way
some of these products are eight or nine years old
I still stand by the material completely
there is nothing else like it
and it works
and the practice of self-fluency just is,
so I wouldn’t change the content
but so many other things have changed over the years:
my voice, how I articulate things,
and, maybe most important,
my disinclination, no, what is a stronger word for this,
the way I do not agree to present in any way as an authority or expert
because I have seen how this reinforces the rigged game
and keeps people from trusting their own wise expertise
from remembering, as each of us needs to, each day:
“oh yes of course I am the expert when it comes to me
because no one else knows as much about being me as I do!”
something else about that
there was a time several years ago
when having products was in fact an income stream
(for me, at least, probably not for most people)
but that’s long since not the case
and anyway here’s what I’ve learned from running a shop:
for the most part, if you want people to get your stuff, you also need
to give them a very immediate reason,
so the whole point of having products available gets lost…
the whole point being this:
whenever people want to dive deeper into
the work of self-fluency, they can, in that moment,
without my help,
and this supports both my ability and my motivation/desire
to show up and share process and wisdom twice a week or more
balancing out the uncompensated labor
a lovely philosophy if only it worked in practice
in that sense the shop also enables the rigged game
because it implies that this is a viable sustainable way
to run a business, which it isn’t…
sure just take 6-8 months of unpaid time to
create something fantastic
and then who knows maybe once in a while someone will purchase it
if you remind people enough times that it exists
and this is just the way of the world
well, okay that might be the way of the world but
that’s a stupid way of the world
and I don’t want to even accidentally be giving this community the message
that they should imitate something I’m doing that isn’t actually effective
I don’t want to contribute to that
I want, as you know, a new currency, one based in appreciation
and whether that beautiful quiet revolution happens in my time or not,
I am no longer willing to unintentionally be a part of the
collective misleading that says
oh you just need to make products
and get better at marketing
there is a lot more I could say about this but let’s get back to
now being the right time for this change
timing
so we have the reasons of knowing
the reasons of heart
the reasons of practical business stuff
and the reasons of ideology
(I want a business that challenges the rigging of the rigged game,
not one that supports it)
the reason of It Is Indicated and I am pretty intensely committed
to trusting that
but there’s also a reason that is very raw and vulnerable for me
which is that I need a new home
I need a new home
as I am moving out of mine of the past seven years
and require a new arrangement —
to paraphrase something my father said
“leaving the place that is your beloved home
is somewhere between challenging and traumatic
and also very expensive”
I have been learning how true this is
so I am combining two things
a) closing the shop because its time is done
and the wise inner voice that whispers “now” has spoken,
with b) raising funds because now is the time for that
a story about that!
it has taken me some time (ha, understatement)
to trust the voice that says NOW
but here is my favorite instance of this
I was walking down the street and suddenly Incoming Me said
“hey, text so-and-so about Thing X, do it now”
and I thought, “okay but I’m walking down the street,
how about we wait until we reach the corner at least”,
and Incoming Me said, “are you listening? now!”
so I stopped in my tracks
in that very moment
a bird deposited an absolutely enormous amount of droppings
exactly where my head would have been
had I taken two more steps forward
I laughed
and Incoming Me said “okay finally we’re getting better at this”
all is well
I mean, either way, in all ways, all is well
if I am the recipient of a massive load of birdshit
all is still well
and also if closing the shop does not in fact
support me in my need for a new home, then all is still well
because I am following my yes and
trusting my yes
being honest, vulnerable, real, alive
to the best of my ability in the moment
that is how I want to live
regardless of “consequences”, related or not
I want to trust in all is well
in my ability to play, laugh, listen, pause-and-wait when that is indicated,
(it so often is)
and then move forward when I feel that whispered now
be fully engaged in this thing that is life-and-aliveness
for its own sake
undoing rigging and saying yes to my yes
what happens now?
the shop is closing APRIL 8 at MIDNIGHT pacific time
so if you desire
a) truly great material to work/play with
b) to express appreciation for the amazing thing that is this space, the people here, the accumulated wisdom here, the practices, the work, the insights and epiphanies that spark here and keep on sparking…
c) to be a part of what we do here
d) to support my move to a new home
e) any or all of the above…
go to the shop which is now the Door of Releasing
and choose some treasures before they are gone
now
just signed a lease with the new tenants
who will be moving into my house come May
how is that for an act of beautiful trust
sitting in my quiet empty kitchen
so grateful for these seven years and five months
of big joy
and for this space online,
did you know that it was my VERY FIRST WISH published here
that brought me and this house to each other?
what treasure, all of it
may I remember this feeling of yes, even inside of the big unknown,
there is still big knowing for me…
knowing that I am so fortunate
to have loved (and been loved by) this home
so much sweetness, so much joy
and now it is time to trust
— big new wild trust! —
that there is more joy for me
in a new location
waiting for me to say yes
the superpower of beautifully supported
here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and I am laughing a little
because the superpower of Beautifully Supported
is both what I need most right now
and also what I feel most right now
these calendars!
it is uncanny how what I need in a given moment
is exactly what past-me invoked for exactly right now
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called finding the ease/Es…
oh I am in awe of this wish
I’d honestly thought while writing it that ease was so far away
and yet this might be the fastest-acting wish/shift of all time
because this past week was suddenly out of nowhere
so remarkably full of ease and Es
— like excitement and energized!
and oh I love how the superpowers of the past few wishes
I Hear My Yes and listening with love
brought me to this moment right now
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken got rhyme put
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Wow, this week, you guys. What a week of high contrast, for me at least. The dark bits very dark, the light flooding in. I am so grateful for this chicken space to just let it all go, where we can integrate the wisdom and say whoosh-goodbye to everything that is done.
Thank you, week!
This is the 401st week in a row we are chickening here together!
What worked this week?
Asking the right questions, like what do I know about dilemmas and what if this dilemma is not in fact a dilemma!
What else worked? Having an (imaginary) secret agent make lists for me and give me one step at a time. I get overwhelmed and have trouble prioritizing things, but she doesn’t…
Next time I might…
Ohmygod, don’t click. Why do I click on things. It is never good. Or, it so rarely good. I keep thinking of the rats in experiments who push for food pellets, except in this case 90% of the time it’s poison, so pushing is not advised.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of finding the ease, and here were the days:
Bells know. Extreme self-treasuring. Finding the ease. Interesting adventure! Surprise joy. Relaxed and positive. Sweetness comes in.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Could Leave Bed To Acquire Food But Would Have To Leave Bed So….
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Being in the hard pattern that is hard. A breath for how hard it is.
- My secret dance op in Seattle was frustrating and isolating and not worth the work of getting there. It was a very effective op in terms of teaching me about what not to do (don’t follow half-yeses!), and also in terms of getting me to be someone who can take better care of herself, and I hope the learning gets easier. A breath for me.
- Visiting the [Egyptian Straits], or the dark and narrow places, the downs, choose a geographical metaphor for the place that is constricted and when I am there I cannot see its beauty nor remember what is good. A breath for ease, trust, moving through, getting my passport stamped and being on my way again.
- Craving closeness, sweetness, affection, warmth. Everyone in my life is suddenly distant. It is my job to access these qualities on my own, and this is right, and at the same time, I long to be in the arms of the beautiful faraway cowboy who (monsters say) just wants to forget me. A breath for trust, again.
- Zero energy and too much pain and no motivation to get out of bed. A breath for acknowledgment, permission, and remembering that Now Is Not Then: needing a Bed Day or three is a perfectly reasonable reaction to [life stuff], and not a diagnosis.
- I am so endlessly fascinated by the Rigged Game, how it is so powerful in convincing us that it is not rigged. For example, I have been alive for four decades, so it’s kind of weird that I am still surprised EVERY SINGLE TIME
something takes significantly longer than I think it should, even though this happens so many times a day that it is the only normal I know. Also I have officially reached the limit of my ability to live out of suitcases stacked in a tiny packed basement storage room, I spend a disproportionate amount of my time desperately searching for things I need and not finding them, and it is the worst. A breath for spaciousness, in a variety of forms. - So many dilemmas! A breath for sweet, simple, surprise solutions.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Secret Agent Cheerio Worth stepped in, with good cheer, of course, and made everything better. Well, Agent Cheerio Worth and the Bed Day Fairy! Which sounds like a children’s book that I want to read. The point is that even in the dark places, the self-fluency training of the past decade is strong enough that my creative playful spark is still there, even in the dark, and I am able to find ways to access presence and play and wise guidance. A breath of joy for this.
- A long talk with Agent Spalding (who is real, by the way) led me to the most marvelous epiphany! Which is so funny, because I had just asked for Ease and Es. And then received exactly that in the form of epiphanies that deliver ease. How beautiful is that? The epiphany, which is hard to explain, as any good epiphany is, because it sounds so obvious, is that I am not in fact an irresponsible fuck-up. And, moreover, the story about how I am an irresponsible fuck-up is not even my story, it’s a story my mother would tell about me when she was worried about me, and it isn’t true. And she probably only told it because she thought saying the fear might prevent it from happening. Guess what! I don’t need to carry this story which is not mine and is not true. I am shedding stories in the story shed, and this is big work, and maybe that’s what required so much bed rest. A breath of appreciation for the magical thing that is perspective, and how it leads to easing and releasing.
- I’m not an irresponsible fuck-up! I’m someone who has interesting adventures! These are not the same thing! And interesting adventures naturally lead to recovering in bed, and recovering in bed is a healthy form of self-treasuring and of integrating the work of the interesting adventure! Anyway, to quote the arborist on an entirely different topic, “either I’m a fool or brilliant, who knows and who cares”. A breath of boundless joy for all of this.
- Lots of good dance stuff this week. Two absolutely mind-blowing workshops with Benji Schwimmer (can we all take a few minutes and watch him back in 2002!). A fantastic night of blues dancing to an amazing live band, who did a seven minute version of TEMPTATION, while I was lucky enough to be paired with one of my very favorite dance partners. We just destroyed that song. And the west coast swing dance night which is pretty hit or miss (mostly miss) was surprise big magic. A breath for wild panther prowess.
- Got rhyme put in my handbag while at the blues dance. Except I didn’t learn that excellent turn of phrase until the next morning, so I wasn’t able to describe it as well, but basically yes, someone wrote a poem about me and left it in my (open) dance bag. I don’t feel particularly piqued about having a secret admirer but it is charming to be someone who has rhyme written about them, and given all the monster stories this week of Everyone Is Over You, that was a good reminder that no, in fact, people write poetry for me, so there. A breath for being seen.
- Being in the hard pattern that is hard means I am gathering so much intel about how it works, and how to change it! This is good. Really really good. A breath for changing the video game while I am in it.
- So far this week all of my dilemmas have been solved by realizing there is in fact no dilemma. A breath of relief and gratitude!
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of all big smiles, coming up with a new plan and a place to live, being wonderfully wrong about things, cheese. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Hey so Operation Bell View Switch was not a total disaster, and now I never need to do it again!
Small but vital steps on the Studio Op and The Fountaining. Thinking hard about operation Wild Wild Nest. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage still ongoing. No news on The Wild Convening but I trust things are moving underground. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I hereby bestow vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of taking exquisite care of myself, more than I think I need, and doing this first. And I got exactly that, which is kind of miraculous, and also might be why I just let myself catch up on a few years of sleep this week.
I also had the surprise power of Nothing To Solve, because my dilemmas turned out not to be dilemmas at all, which was so good, more of that please.
Powers I want.
I want all the powers of deep abiding trust. I want to trust my instincts, trust the earth, trust change, trust in All Is Well.
And, related, I want to send my worries on a two week vacation to a tropical island. They are welcome to stay longer of course, but let’s start with that. And no popping back in on the pretext of having forgotten a parasol!
The Salve of Nothing To Solve
This salve smells delicious, like springtime and hopefulness, excitement and newness. It is wonderfully soothing. It frees up so much energy that was previously tied up in problem-solving and agonizing over pros and cons that you have to go frolic!
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of Agent Spalding:
Dirty Commie Claptrap
It’s a ska band, their latest album is Reincarnated Mermaids, and this band is just one guy.
TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!
We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear VERY SOON, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time. And if you’re not on the list, get on the list because I might tell them first…
And last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
finding the ease/Es
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 351st consecutive week of wishing, come play!
the river of grief
there are questions that work with grief
and there are questions that do not work with grief
why am I so sad, for example, is not a particularly useful question
unless of course it leads me to remember
that of course I do not need to know the reason
grief just is
and grief is layered
loss reminds us of loss reminds us of loss
and sometimes one tiny unexpected pain-moment of [missing] or [gone]
conjures up a portal
and oh there it is again, the rushing river
the one I am always so reluctant to approach
for fear it will sweep me away forever
and yet
sitting quietly, a safe distance from the river,
wrapped in a warm blanket
watching water be water
and letting the flow flow
saying to myself
yes my love, it makes sense that we are here again
there are reasons
and sitting by the river even when we don’t want to be here
is another way we say yes to life
this helps
this helps
permission, acknowledgement, legitimacy
these are the doors to taking care of myself
these are the doors to self-treasuring
yes, my love, you are allowed to have a good falling-apart
whether or not you know what loss you are mourning in this moment
(and whether or not the monsters think it’s frivolous —
they whisper: get over yourself already, pull yourself together!)
have there not been enough hard things in this life
in this week
are not tears or this tight constricted absence-of-tears
an understandable reaction to
anything, really
permission, acknowledgment, legitimacy
rinse and repeat
the list of questions/likely suspects
- oh, have awful things been happening in the world? ohmygod yes
- and am I a person who unknowingly picks up on pain in the environment and tries to carry the pain of the world? uh huh!
- have I been reading about these things or seeing links/references? probably
- or have I been spending time with people who have? sure
- is now reminding me of then? seems likely
- have I been online soaking up everyone’s energy? sighhh-yes
- am I anywhere near moon time? hahahahahaha!
- is the pain/sorrow/grief/numbness I am currently experiencing something that truly belongs to me or is it possible/likely that I’m carrying other people’s sadness and it’s all being amplified? ah good point
- can I release any pain that is not mine and is not from right now into the magical elevator/mine shaft? into the river? into the molten core of the earth to be transformed? mmmm that’s a little better
- are circumstances challenging right now for [reasons]? and no, monsters do not get to answer this question, this question is directed towards the me who can see clearly, or, if a close friend were in this situation, how many reasons would I see for why it totally makes sense that they’d be falling apart? ah, right
- am I well-rested and generally getting the things I need that help me be the most high-functioning stable calm self I can access? I don’t even know how to answer that question, so okay, that’s good intel!
what would svevo do
that’s another question that is helping
svevo is my wise and wonderful uncle
who takes three naps a day
and does not know how to hurry or worry, because
“traditionally the ROI on worry is very low”
what would svevo do?
nap
go outdoors
prepare food lovingly
pet a dog
smile at people
do some yoga poses on a rug in front of the fire
work on a writing project
sit by a tree
breathe
trust more
Let X = E
I am in transition mode right now and I don’t like
being in transition
I miss having a place to put my clothes
and that rug by the fire feeling
so I am solving for X
solving the mysteries of X
and looking for Es
by which I mean looking for Ease
let X = Ease
what will bring in more ease
there’s a question
what do I already know about X
that is to say: what do I already know about Es
E is for…
Emptying, Entry, Effervescence, Equanimity, Emergence, Embarking, Essence, Ease
and many other good things
E is for echoing
this feels important
what supports good echoing?
white space
nature
water
sitting with the void /sitting with the river
turning inward
removing external sources of noise
being in the mind-state of resonance, reverberation, bell-ness
exquisite self-care
the right questions
that are like skipping stones across the water
what else do I know about ease
acknowledgment, legitimacy and permission
letting the hard be hard (because it is)
is what opens the door to ease and Es
not fighting
not giving up
just noticing: yes, this thing that is hard
is indeed very hard
and I don’t like it and I don’t have to like it,
and I don’t have to like the fact that
I don’t like that I don’t like it
because I am allowed to feel what I am feeling
(and not like it! so there!)
here I am, river
here I am, feelings
I am not the river
and I am not the feelings
I am my own wise wild being, bravely engaging in
conscious interaction with the river and the feelings
and this moment
by letting it all exist
and letting things exist
is the secret to letting them exit
this way to Ease/Es
{I am pausing here to walk through the park and look for clues}
this was a good plan
tree magic + fresh air + happy dogs + tiny children
magnolia leaves
feeling feet on the ground
comforting
I am here
the walk told me:
shed stories
like a snake shedding skins
what more can you shed
let go of the stories
the walk told me to notice what is beautiful now
I feel much better having moved and breathed
that’s probably what svevo would have done too
what else brings Ease?
the usual things
asking questions, for example:
what enhances my ability to experience my light, and what diminishes it?
taking care of myself
quiet
rest
plenty (for example, in the form of flowers or fruit)
fewer projects
more explorations
especially the internal kind
not saying yes to things that are clearly not-joy
following the protocol (apply extreme self-care!)
turning away from the loud goings on of the world
finding out what I want and need in this moment
right now
hand on my heart
eight breaths
what else are Es
elements: stone, earth, air, water, fire
elegance and efficiency of movement
effortlessness (releasing effort)
elongating
ending what needs to be ended
emancipation
energy (releasing what is not mine, protecting what is mine)
enveloping (sanctuary)
ears (listening)
exceptions (secret doors)
how does this relate to my secret yes
last week I found a secret yes
and then I lost it again
and now I am unsure
especially as I spent this past weekend
trying to follow yeses and then compromising on not-yeses
if I listen now
really listen
what do I hear
when I breathe
ask and breathe
what is my yes
to be loved
what is my yes
to love myself
what is my yes
to be free
what is my yes
to free myself
what is my yes
to see beauty everyday
what is my yes
to make it easier on myself to cherish myself
what is my yes
to stop hiding
what is my yes
to shine and glow
what is my yes
to be paid to write and to write what I want to write
what is my yes
to be a great liver (verb, not organ) of life!
liver-and-lover of life
what do I know about my wish this week
still related to the superpowers of the past few wishes:
I Hear My Yes
and also the powers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
(something my B said)
I can look for the Ease or I can look for the Es
either way,
it all comes back to listening
with love
now
my body is craving music and movement, and yet
I don’t want to go dancing tonight
craving shelter, sanctuary, quiet, alone
maybe stretching using the wall
maybe some Old Turkish Lady yoga
cradling knees to chest
yawning extending expanding
(more Es and forms of ease)
I will form forms of ease
yes that sounds better
Es by candlelight
yes
superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now
ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!
last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!
if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go
now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called welcoming surprise good news…
I want to wish that wish every week now
because oh wow so much surprise good news!
it was kind of amazing
and now let’s add Ease to the good surprises…
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
400 chickens in transit and in repose
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is FOUR HUNDRED weeks in a row we are chickening here together!
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’VE DOING THIS FOR SO LONG?! I can’t.
What worked this week?
Starting the day with three minutes of down dog.
Looking for surprise good news.
And practicing rejoicing over the arrival of anxiety so I could deliver it to THE SECRET MINE where fear turns into jewels. This wasn’t always easy but it was definitely fun to say, “Ooooh! DELIVERY!” each time another batch showed up, which was basically all the time. Yet again, playfulness makes it easier to rewrite patterns.
Next time I might…
Oh, haha, wow, same as last week because I was not able to implement this at all:
Say no to anything that doesn’t sound absolutely enticing.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of welcoming surprise good news, and here were the days:
Powerful and steady. Surprise good news. Full speed ahead towards yes. So many miracles. Even more good news. Entry and ease. Bell views.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Everything Ten Times More Complicated Than Necessary: the Havi Brooks Story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Ohmygod it does not even make sense how much time I spent this week logisticking the logistics in various situations. How does anything get done ever? Why so complicated? I have the biggest headache and also the rigged game is ridiculous. A breath for this.
- I am in a situation that is very unfamiliar to me, and want support with it, and the person I thought would assist me wants me to figure it out myself, and this is reminding me of [Then]. A breath for me.
- Someone in my life was in their stuff and threw a shoe at me (said something hurtful), and even though I know in my mind it has nothing to do with me, it still hurt. A breath for ease and for trust.
- Too many decisions waiting to be made, and I don’t know how, and feel so out of my element, and I miss someone who is far away, and everything feels wrong. A breath for assuredness.
- Waiting on intel, and not knowing what my options are. A breath for the just-right solutions, and the home for me, may they find me soon.
- Getting to Seattle for this weekend has proven to be about a thousand times more complicated, frustrating and stressful than anticipated, and now having done all that work to get here, I’m not even sure this is where I want to be. A breath for ease.
- Hard stuff in the external world. Big anxiety and painful memories in the internal world. A breath for safety.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I asked for surprise good news, and I got it. So much of it! So many solutions becoming available, the grand return of hopefulness! A breath of joy for this.
- Feeling moments of big closeness with the beautiful far-away cowboy. A breath of appreciation.
- Had a day of Zoom where huge progress got made on everything. A breath of thankfulness and relief.
- Set something exciting into motion. A breath for this.
- Had absolutely fantastic dances this week, to the point where people were like whoa what just happened. A breath for wild panther prowess.
- Realizing that hey, actually Present Me of Right Now has ZERO PROBLEMS wanting what she wants and ZERO PROBLEMS insisting on the option that takes care of her sanity, even if that option is more expensive. Hurrah! A breath for Yes I Am A Badass.
- I found many lost yeses, and was able to hear my yes much more clearly this week, even had a yes delivered to me in a very obvious dream, which was a delight. And thanks to this, made it to Seattle in time to dance despite a thousand perceived obstacles. A breath of gratitude for my training.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of all the right clues, knowing what I want to write about, saying yes to my yes and no to my no, Not My Bus, extra towels, second breakfast, learning new things. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
I’m currently in Seattle for Operation Bell View Switch which might also be Operation Bell Views Witch!
Took some important steps on the Studio Op. Was so excited to work on The Fountaining this week, and then all my time gotten eaten up by logistics for Seattle. Reopened investigations into the Wild Wild Nest op, but this time rolling it out in stages. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage ongoing. And putting The Wild Convening on back burner for now. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of thinking that everything is good news, or at least seeing the possibility for good. That was a good thing to ask for.
Powers I want.
I want the powers of taking exquisite care of myself, more than I think I need, and doing this first.
The Salve of Taking Even Better Care Of Myself, Before I Need It.
This salve is big magic, even for a salve. As I massage it into my skin, I can actually feel what it is like to be someone who does this, almost like a distant memory returning.
Slowly I remember that this is how I want to live, because this is the only way that makes sense. Slowly I remember that the perceived cost — financial, mental, emotional, physical — of taking care of myself, even when it scares me, is actually so much less than the cost of recovering from not having taken care of myself. Slowly I remember that the more I do this, the easier and more joyful it becomes.
I find ways to be sweet and gentle with past-me and with present-me, and this allows me to access resources (internal and maybe also external) I didn’t know were available. I relax into taking care of myself, glad that I am also doing this for future-me. Who knows, this might even become a habit.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Extremely Grumbly
Their latest album is called Thirty Hot Seconds, and this band is just one guy.
TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!
We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear VERY SOON, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time. And if you’re not on the list, get on the list because I might tell them first…
And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
welcoming surprise good news
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 350th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
wanted: surprise good news!
surprise good news demands exclamation points
it is bubbly and exciting
and also wonderfully calming at the same time
there is a unique category of things that are
equal parts invigorating and relaxing
they invite you to take a breath
heart expands
shoulders drop
jaw softens
eyes crinkle
surprise good news reminds you about hopefulness
how tingly it is
and how things are not as they seem
and the oh-no-it’s-all-bad-news eyore script in my mind
is not actually relevant
maybe time to let it go
what do I want to exclaim over
what do I want to excite me
what kinds of surprise good do I want to welcome?
exclamation points, here we come
I want surprise good news about fun people to play with!
I want surprise good news about how [secret ops] are easier than I think!
I want surprise good news about monies, funds, support, resources!
I want surprise good news about my plans, or maybe I want new plans,
or new doors, but something that’s like
yeah I want to go in that direction and I now see how it is possible!
I want surprise good news about dance!
I want surprise good news in general!
I want to wake up to surprise good news!
I want to wake up to surprise good ideas!
I want to surprise good ways to think differently about my various situations
to just fall into my lap
SURPRISE GOOD NEWS, welcome!
overflowing
I want so much surprise good news that the
oh-no-it’s-all-bad-news gloom-and-doom eyore-operated monster-powered machinery in me
has to spontaneously combust or at least change sides
I want to be someone who expects surprise good news
(the surprise is in the form or the delivery)
(not the fact that there is unexpected good news)
I want to be someone who totally expect that part
that’s what I want
cup-runneth-over levels of surprise good news
so much in fact
— and so much ability on my part to see it,
recognize it, rejoice in it, receive it —
that I bubble over with extra surprise good news for
everyone else in my world
my surprise good news turns into everyone’s surprise good news
because that is the superpower of the rising tide that lifts all boats
what do I already know about surprise good news
despite what you’d think from the
reminiscences of woe I’ve been re-enacting in my mind
over these past few challenging weeks
if I pause and remember truth
okay actually I’ve had many experiences in my life
of just outrageous levels of surprise good news
(and not only of the flavor that turns out to be good in hindsight)
oh for example
when I was teaching myself german
on my own in tel aviv, my resources being:
[fierce dedication, a dictionary, tape recorder and a library card]
I reached a point after months of hard work
at which I had an excellent grasp of
grammar and an impressive vocabulary
I could read a novel for fun
but I didn’t have the fluency I desired
I didn’t know how to have an actual conversation
and I didn’t know how to solve this dilemma
money was extremely tight
so I couldn’t take classes
my wish seemed impossible
not impossible
one day marius called me up at work
a south african who worked at the hostel
near my bar
and he said “hey there’s a good looking german kid
here looking for a hebrew tutor, but he doesn’t have a lot of money…”
me: oh sure, I’ll teach him hebrew if he’ll talk to me in german
ta da surprise good news
also, somewhat later in the timeline, ta da, surprise making out
what else?
receptivity
yes, receptivity is a good quality to…
develop? invite in? befriend? devote yourself to?
it gives you new eyes
sometimes asking for and welcoming
surprise good news
is enough to shift where you hold/place your attention
so that you can see all the surprise good news that
already is
like how last night I wished for surprise good news
and received two pieces of it within the hour
but maybe if I hadn’t wished the wish
it might easily have escaped my notice just how surprising (and good)
this news was
one piece involved learning I had been wrong
wonderfully wrong
about an assumption
and the other meant a situation I’d assumed would never change
is actually scheduled to change quite soon
ta da, surprise good news!
(thank you)
I can easily imagine that I wouldn’t have
fully appreciated the surprise-good-news nature
of these pieces of news
had I not just primed myself to be
not only receptive but
on the lookout for signs that surprise good news
is headed my way
while of course maintaining awareness that a very
common form of surprise good news
(whoops, typed ‘surprise god news’, yes, okay, that too)
is the kind that seems at first to be just the opposite
so this is also a good reminder to me
to say thank you for everything
and fill up on wonder and appreciation in my
thank you heart
clarification
here’s what I do NOT mean:
I do not mean the thing that is so common
in this sticky online world of “self-improvement” and self-helpery
where so often you see people recommend
applying gratitude as a technique
in a way that isn’t necessary kind towards the you-who-is hurting, and
generally involves things like
forcing yourself to identify the silver linings before you’re ready,
or in some other way
denying the pain of what is actually painful in this moment
as you know from spending weekends with me
in my weekly friday chicken ritual which is now four hundred weeks old
I believe so hard in acknowledging the hard things
in the power of giving legitimacy to the fact that
hard things are hard
and not fun
they just are
and so few people get this
finding the good while mourning the hard and giving it permission to exist
is such a vital life skill
not ignoring the hard and pretending everything is fine
not cursing out the hard and refusing to see any treasure
it is the process of allowing the hard to be hard
and allowing yourself to not like it
while knowing that you don’t have to like it
that is what reveals the useful in the hard
you are totally allowed to keep on not liking it,
and the useful is still there, like it or not
doors
so when I say that what I want is to
turn inward and be a channel for deep thankfulness
I do not in any way mean pretending that things are fine
when things are not fine
acknowledgment, permission, legitimacy, and
having a good cry when you need it
these are the doors to thankfulness
not forcing, not powering through
surprise good news in many forms
I am on the lookout for tiny surprise good news!
with exclamation points!
and adding exclamation points
to make things more exciting
for example
right now all of my belongings
are packed away in a small storage room in my basement
the other day a bag fell from a shelf
and a bottle of nail polish broke INSIDE THE BAG
and amazingly it was cold enough in the basement
that the nail polish froze in a cool statue shape
and somehow did not get on any of my other stuff in the bag
aside from a pair of nail scissors which still work perfectly
but have sparkly purple handles
so sure, I could decide that this is all surprise bad news
my bag falling, my nail polish breaking
but I think it’s actually surprise good news:
see? nothing is wrong
nothing is damaged
things can break and all is still well
what a beautiful miracle
like with the tree
a lot
!!!!
secret yes
last week julie asked me,
“is there a secret yes twinkling at you from somewhere?”
and there wasn’t but now there is
just need to generate the funds
which on the surface is maybe not the most fun thing
but —
thanks to some [what-I-now-realize-is surprise good news!]
received yesterday —
I don’t need to raise nearly as much as previously estimated
and this too is part of releasing wishes
releasing
letting the wishes go
and letting the wish-seeds be free
so that when secret yeses land
and surprise good news finds its way to me
I can say THANK YOU to past me for wanting all this good for me
and for doing the work of sitting with the hard
and asking the questions
asking for yes
waiting for yes
which in fact was last week’s wish
what a good wish
what else can I do to welcome surprise good news?
sleep on it
dance on it
dance with it
choose joy
flowers help
naps help
flirting helps
having secret missions to look forward to helps
any secret twinkling yes helps, however small
taking exquisite care of myself to the best of my ability
and maybe in a given moment
all I can manage is RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water!)
given with love
and adding a few exclamation points
that counts too
what does Slightly Wiser Me want me to know about this mission?
she says:
this is a wonderful wish
it’s about growing your self-treasuring skills
and it’s about hope
you are learning to interrupt all your programming/experience
of hopelessness
through presence and play
and if that’s not the most beautiful thing in the world
I don’t know what is
surprise good news is yours
because you are training yourself to see-hear-perceive it
what do I know about my wish this week
last week I seeded the the superpowers of I Hear My Yes
and also the powers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
(something my wonderful friend B said)
and these seem equally important for the mission of
being/becoming/remembering-how-to-be someone
who welcomes surprise good news
now
(1) texting/dreaming with the far away boy
about nevada and arizona
wilderness
pretty places
we might visit someday
(2) living in an empty house as I am right now
in between
waiting
this is not my yes
but I am so thankful for the sanctuary
for the transition time
(3) things I love
grapefruit
wood
grains of salt
tulips
exclamation points
superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now
ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!
this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!
if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go
now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum
last week’s wishes
two weeks ago I wished a wish called waiting for yes…
it was a hard wish and a hard week
and yet my yes found me anyway
waiting was scary
and it was also the right call
wait for it…
(yes)
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡