What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
400 chickens in transit and in repose
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is FOUR HUNDRED weeks in a row we are chickening here together!
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’VE DOING THIS FOR SO LONG?! I can’t.
What worked this week?
Starting the day with three minutes of down dog.
Looking for surprise good news.
And practicing rejoicing over the arrival of anxiety so I could deliver it to THE SECRET MINE where fear turns into jewels. This wasn’t always easy but it was definitely fun to say, “Ooooh! DELIVERY!” each time another batch showed up, which was basically all the time. Yet again, playfulness makes it easier to rewrite patterns.
Next time I might…
Oh, haha, wow, same as last week because I was not able to implement this at all:
Say no to anything that doesn’t sound absolutely enticing.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of welcoming surprise good news, and here were the days:
Powerful and steady. Surprise good news. Full speed ahead towards yes. So many miracles. Even more good news. Entry and ease. Bell views.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Everything Ten Times More Complicated Than Necessary: the Havi Brooks Story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Ohmygod it does not even make sense how much time I spent this week logisticking the logistics in various situations. How does anything get done ever? Why so complicated? I have the biggest headache and also the rigged game is ridiculous. A breath for this.
- I am in a situation that is very unfamiliar to me, and want support with it, and the person I thought would assist me wants me to figure it out myself, and this is reminding me of [Then]. A breath for me.
- Someone in my life was in their stuff and threw a shoe at me (said something hurtful), and even though I know in my mind it has nothing to do with me, it still hurt. A breath for ease and for trust.
- Too many decisions waiting to be made, and I don’t know how, and feel so out of my element, and I miss someone who is far away, and everything feels wrong. A breath for assuredness.
- Waiting on intel, and not knowing what my options are. A breath for the just-right solutions, and the home for me, may they find me soon.
- Getting to Seattle for this weekend has proven to be about a thousand times more complicated, frustrating and stressful than anticipated, and now having done all that work to get here, I’m not even sure this is where I want to be. A breath for ease.
- Hard stuff in the external world. Big anxiety and painful memories in the internal world. A breath for safety.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I asked for surprise good news, and I got it. So much of it! So many solutions becoming available, the grand return of hopefulness! A breath of joy for this.
- Feeling moments of big closeness with the beautiful far-away cowboy. A breath of appreciation.
- Had a day of Zoom where huge progress got made on everything. A breath of thankfulness and relief.
- Set something exciting into motion. A breath for this.
- Had absolutely fantastic dances this week, to the point where people were like whoa what just happened. A breath for wild panther prowess.
- Realizing that hey, actually Present Me of Right Now has ZERO PROBLEMS wanting what she wants and ZERO PROBLEMS insisting on the option that takes care of her sanity, even if that option is more expensive. Hurrah! A breath for Yes I Am A Badass.
- I found many lost yeses, and was able to hear my yes much more clearly this week, even had a yes delivered to me in a very obvious dream, which was a delight. And thanks to this, made it to Seattle in time to dance despite a thousand perceived obstacles. A breath of gratitude for my training.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of all the right clues, knowing what I want to write about, saying yes to my yes and no to my no, Not My Bus, extra towels, second breakfast, learning new things. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
I’m currently in Seattle for Operation Bell View Switch which might also be Operation Bell Views Witch!
Took some important steps on the Studio Op. Was so excited to work on The Fountaining this week, and then all my time gotten eaten up by logistics for Seattle. Reopened investigations into the Wild Wild Nest op, but this time rolling it out in stages. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage ongoing. And putting The Wild Convening on back burner for now. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of thinking that everything is good news, or at least seeing the possibility for good. That was a good thing to ask for.
Powers I want.
I want the powers of taking exquisite care of myself, more than I think I need, and doing this first.
The Salve of Taking Even Better Care Of Myself, Before I Need It.
This salve is big magic, even for a salve. As I massage it into my skin, I can actually feel what it is like to be someone who does this, almost like a distant memory returning.
Slowly I remember that this is how I want to live, because this is the only way that makes sense. Slowly I remember that the perceived cost — financial, mental, emotional, physical — of taking care of myself, even when it scares me, is actually so much less than the cost of recovering from not having taken care of myself. Slowly I remember that the more I do this, the easier and more joyful it becomes.
I find ways to be sweet and gentle with past-me and with present-me, and this allows me to access resources (internal and maybe also external) I didn’t know were available. I relax into taking care of myself, glad that I am also doing this for future-me. Who knows, this might even become a habit.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Extremely Grumbly
Their latest album is called Thirty Hot Seconds, and this band is just one guy.
TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!
We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear VERY SOON, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time. And if you’re not on the list, get on the list because I might tell them first…
And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
welcoming surprise good news
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 350th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
wanted: surprise good news!
surprise good news demands exclamation points
it is bubbly and exciting
and also wonderfully calming at the same time
there is a unique category of things that are
equal parts invigorating and relaxing
they invite you to take a breath
heart expands
shoulders drop
jaw softens
eyes crinkle
surprise good news reminds you about hopefulness
how tingly it is
and how things are not as they seem
and the oh-no-it’s-all-bad-news eyore script in my mind
is not actually relevant
maybe time to let it go
what do I want to exclaim over
what do I want to excite me
what kinds of surprise good do I want to welcome?
exclamation points, here we come
I want surprise good news about fun people to play with!
I want surprise good news about how [secret ops] are easier than I think!
I want surprise good news about monies, funds, support, resources!
I want surprise good news about my plans, or maybe I want new plans,
or new doors, but something that’s like
yeah I want to go in that direction and I now see how it is possible!
I want surprise good news about dance!
I want surprise good news in general!
I want to wake up to surprise good news!
I want to wake up to surprise good ideas!
I want to surprise good ways to think differently about my various situations
to just fall into my lap
SURPRISE GOOD NEWS, welcome!
overflowing
I want so much surprise good news that the
oh-no-it’s-all-bad-news gloom-and-doom eyore-operated monster-powered machinery in me
has to spontaneously combust or at least change sides
I want to be someone who expects surprise good news
(the surprise is in the form or the delivery)
(not the fact that there is unexpected good news)
I want to be someone who totally expect that part
that’s what I want
cup-runneth-over levels of surprise good news
so much in fact
— and so much ability on my part to see it,
recognize it, rejoice in it, receive it —
that I bubble over with extra surprise good news for
everyone else in my world
my surprise good news turns into everyone’s surprise good news
because that is the superpower of the rising tide that lifts all boats
what do I already know about surprise good news
despite what you’d think from the
reminiscences of woe I’ve been re-enacting in my mind
over these past few challenging weeks
if I pause and remember truth
okay actually I’ve had many experiences in my life
of just outrageous levels of surprise good news
(and not only of the flavor that turns out to be good in hindsight)
oh for example
when I was teaching myself german
on my own in tel aviv, my resources being:
[fierce dedication, a dictionary, tape recorder and a library card]
I reached a point after months of hard work
at which I had an excellent grasp of
grammar and an impressive vocabulary
I could read a novel for fun
but I didn’t have the fluency I desired
I didn’t know how to have an actual conversation
and I didn’t know how to solve this dilemma
money was extremely tight
so I couldn’t take classes
my wish seemed impossible
not impossible
one day marius called me up at work
a south african who worked at the hostel
near my bar
and he said “hey there’s a good looking german kid
here looking for a hebrew tutor, but he doesn’t have a lot of money…”
me: oh sure, I’ll teach him hebrew if he’ll talk to me in german
ta da surprise good news
also, somewhat later in the timeline, ta da, surprise making out
what else?
receptivity
yes, receptivity is a good quality to…
develop? invite in? befriend? devote yourself to?
it gives you new eyes
sometimes asking for and welcoming
surprise good news
is enough to shift where you hold/place your attention
so that you can see all the surprise good news that
already is
like how last night I wished for surprise good news
and received two pieces of it within the hour
but maybe if I hadn’t wished the wish
it might easily have escaped my notice just how surprising (and good)
this news was
one piece involved learning I had been wrong
wonderfully wrong
about an assumption
and the other meant a situation I’d assumed would never change
is actually scheduled to change quite soon
ta da, surprise good news!
(thank you)
I can easily imagine that I wouldn’t have
fully appreciated the surprise-good-news nature
of these pieces of news
had I not just primed myself to be
not only receptive but
on the lookout for signs that surprise good news
is headed my way
while of course maintaining awareness that a very
common form of surprise good news
(whoops, typed ‘surprise god news’, yes, okay, that too)
is the kind that seems at first to be just the opposite
so this is also a good reminder to me
to say thank you for everything
and fill up on wonder and appreciation in my
thank you heart
clarification
here’s what I do NOT mean:
I do not mean the thing that is so common
in this sticky online world of “self-improvement” and self-helpery
where so often you see people recommend
applying gratitude as a technique
in a way that isn’t necessary kind towards the you-who-is hurting, and
generally involves things like
forcing yourself to identify the silver linings before you’re ready,
or in some other way
denying the pain of what is actually painful in this moment
as you know from spending weekends with me
in my weekly friday chicken ritual which is now four hundred weeks old
I believe so hard in acknowledging the hard things
in the power of giving legitimacy to the fact that
hard things are hard
and not fun
they just are
and so few people get this
finding the good while mourning the hard and giving it permission to exist
is such a vital life skill
not ignoring the hard and pretending everything is fine
not cursing out the hard and refusing to see any treasure
it is the process of allowing the hard to be hard
and allowing yourself to not like it
while knowing that you don’t have to like it
that is what reveals the useful in the hard
you are totally allowed to keep on not liking it,
and the useful is still there, like it or not
doors
so when I say that what I want is to
turn inward and be a channel for deep thankfulness
I do not in any way mean pretending that things are fine
when things are not fine
acknowledgment, permission, legitimacy, and
having a good cry when you need it
these are the doors to thankfulness
not forcing, not powering through
surprise good news in many forms
I am on the lookout for tiny surprise good news!
with exclamation points!
and adding exclamation points
to make things more exciting
for example
right now all of my belongings
are packed away in a small storage room in my basement
the other day a bag fell from a shelf
and a bottle of nail polish broke INSIDE THE BAG
and amazingly it was cold enough in the basement
that the nail polish froze in a cool statue shape
and somehow did not get on any of my other stuff in the bag
aside from a pair of nail scissors which still work perfectly
but have sparkly purple handles
so sure, I could decide that this is all surprise bad news
my bag falling, my nail polish breaking
but I think it’s actually surprise good news:
see? nothing is wrong
nothing is damaged
things can break and all is still well
what a beautiful miracle
like with the tree
a lot
!!!!
secret yes
last week julie asked me,
“is there a secret yes twinkling at you from somewhere?”
and there wasn’t but now there is
just need to generate the funds
which on the surface is maybe not the most fun thing
but —
thanks to some [what-I-now-realize-is surprise good news!]
received yesterday —
I don’t need to raise nearly as much as previously estimated
and this too is part of releasing wishes
releasing
letting the wishes go
and letting the wish-seeds be free
so that when secret yeses land
and surprise good news finds its way to me
I can say THANK YOU to past me for wanting all this good for me
and for doing the work of sitting with the hard
and asking the questions
asking for yes
waiting for yes
which in fact was last week’s wish
what a good wish
what else can I do to welcome surprise good news?
sleep on it
dance on it
dance with it
choose joy
flowers help
naps help
flirting helps
having secret missions to look forward to helps
any secret twinkling yes helps, however small
taking exquisite care of myself to the best of my ability
and maybe in a given moment
all I can manage is RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water!)
given with love
and adding a few exclamation points
that counts too
what does Slightly Wiser Me want me to know about this mission?
she says:
this is a wonderful wish
it’s about growing your self-treasuring skills
and it’s about hope
you are learning to interrupt all your programming/experience
of hopelessness
through presence and play
and if that’s not the most beautiful thing in the world
I don’t know what is
surprise good news is yours
because you are training yourself to see-hear-perceive it
what do I know about my wish this week
last week I seeded the the superpowers of I Hear My Yes
and also the powers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
(something my wonderful friend B said)
and these seem equally important for the mission of
being/becoming/remembering-how-to-be someone
who welcomes surprise good news
now
(1) texting/dreaming with the far away boy
about nevada and arizona
wilderness
pretty places
we might visit someday
(2) living in an empty house as I am right now
in between
waiting
this is not my yes
but I am so thankful for the sanctuary
for the transition time
(3) things I love
grapefruit
wood
grains of salt
tulips
exclamation points
superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now
ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!
this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!
if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go
now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum
last week’s wishes
two weeks ago I wished a wish called waiting for yes…
it was a hard wish and a hard week
and yet my yes found me anyway
waiting was scary
and it was also the right call
wait for it…
(yes)
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
the pep talk chicken
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 399th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Doing entry. Practicing enter as you wish to be in it.
Here is the entry I did for a secret rendezvous, aka what other people call a business meeting:
hello productive rendezvous to be!
here is what I need:clean clear lines of communication (both sides!)
warmth and friendliness (both sides!)
grounded presence (both sides!)
patience (both sides!)
creative sparks (both sides!)
and this rendezvous to be good entry for the next onemay we both be in our most creative clear loving state
with our wisest selves ready to help
And not only did this make me feel better about entering the meeting, all of these things actually happened, which is kind of wonderful, and now I am no longer dreading the follow up meeting.
Next time I might…
Say no to anything that doesn’t sound absolutely enticing.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of waiting for yes, and here were the days:
Trust harder. What is big yes. Surprise solutions. I’m amazing. I hear my yes. Creative genius! Inspiration lands.
(Yes, it was kind of a pep talk sort of week)
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Trying Not To Make Crumbs: the Havi Brooks Story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Ongoing construction projects (not mine) making me lose my mind. A breath for how much I crave quiet.
- Mysterious ankle injury is back except this is a new one and I still don’t know how this keeps happening. Do I get blackout drunk and kick radiators? I think that would have to involve drinking though. And radiators. So it’s not that but it’s very frustrating. A breath for me.
- Showing the house is a pain in the ass, still haven’t found a tenant, but have to keep it spotless at all times. And since I live there, and since the people coming to see the house track in ridiculous amounts of dirt and mud, my life this week was pretty much non-stop cleaning. A breath for ease and for trust.
- Every single time I think I may have found a possible solution to the mystery of “where is Havi going to live”, it crashes and burns or disappears into thin air. A breath for a just-right home for me, may it find me soon.
- Last week’s curse of every dance I go to is terrible petered out into every dance I go to is extremely mediocre. So it’s better, but it still isn’t fun. A breath for moving through, or for choosing towards something new.
- The dream where people stole my mattress as a prank and I had to spend six months (of dream time) trying to win contests in order to get it back and have a bed, only to wake up distraught and exhausted. A breath for safety.
- Sitting with the void, and it is just so empty. I know that’s how the void works, and I know that sitting and letting it be is important, and it is so very hard. A breath for miracles and doors.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Wise, loving, supportive friends. A breath of appreciation.
- The beautiful far-away cowboy texting with love and sweetness, wanting joy and safety for me. A breath for this.
- It finally stopped raining after approximately seven hundred consecutive days of rain, and it is amazing what a difference this makes. A breath of thankfulness.
- Forward progress on a previously stuck mission! A breath of hell yeah.
- Able to notice small but significant improvements in my dance drills. A breath of joy.
- Remembering that 90% of any terrible mood is really stuff I’m picking on on from the outside world, and I don’t need to carry that. And then I feel better when I let it go. A breath for practice.
- Repeat from last week: I am finding the good inside of the hard. A breath of gratitude for my training.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of flowers everywhere, long walks, a surprisingly productive and happy meeting, a blues lesson where we basically practiced hugging for an hour, and I was miraculously only paired with a) people I like who were b) all approximately my height. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Small but determined steps on the Studio Op, and The Fountaining. I said I was moving the Wild Wild Nest op back into R&D, but now feeling passionate about it again. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage are ongoing. And I am investigating the steps needed to make The Wild Convening a thing. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of trusting my panther self and finding good exits, and I got the first, and some clues about the second.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of thinking that everything is good news, or at least seeing the possibility for good.
The Salve of Good News.
This salve doesn’t so much deliver good news (though it might!) as it delivers the steady calm certainty that any news coming into my life from now on is good news, and that I have both the trust to receive the good, and the power and fortitude to find the good in all things.
This salve is made of sweetness, and it softens into your skin like magic.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
How Very Dastardly
Their latest album is called Commissioned By Lord Blakely Himself, and this band is just one guy.
TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!
We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.
And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
waiting for yes
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 349th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
I am waiting for yes
waiting for yes and listening for yes
not just for any yes but for my yes
what pulls me and sparks in me
what makes me glow yes
this is the yes I am waiting for
and it is not here
all I have is a swirling mass of no
and a few half-yeses of the sort
one always regrets later
wait for it….
that is my friend Jon’s favorite joke
delivered always with a smile
it means what it says:
wait for it…
wait for the yes
keep doing what you do:
wishing your wishes, inviting clarity,
releasing your desires into the world
and then wait
and it is also wait for it as in
wait for the punchline
are you ready
in 3,2,1…
here it is
wait for it…
yes
I am not enjoying the waiting
which is probably a sign that I need it even more
this waiting is extra stressful thanks to
the various parts of my life currently undecided
and if I don’t stride towards a yes-direction soon
(for example, the answer to the question: where do I want to live)
and then my house is rented out
and I find myself empty-handed
or really, with hands full of no
but also with nowhere to go
do you see
and yet
right now in this moment
what can I do but wait for yes
I don’t know
let’s find out
that’s what wishes are for
that’s what internal exploration is for
asking
and then listening
if that’s not the best form of waiting
I don’t know what is
what do I want
- a small, quiet, safe, beautiful, cozy nest
all mine, where I feel safe and at home - access to quiet dance practice space where I am always welcome
- adequate funds to provide for the above
- quiet time and space to write
- someone who looks forward to seeing me
as much as I look forward to seeing them - a location where I would like to live,
or even a general idea about
where in the world it might be - the just right tenants to rent my home,
ideally very quiet and whose only pets are turtles,
and who do not play the drums
(the tenants, though sure, also the turtles) - a solution to the thing that does not allow me to drive at night
extreme sensitivity to lights and flashing,
the other night while walking home from the bus,
I was so… flummoxed? distressed? paralyzed?
by an especially bright and frantically blinking light on an approaching bicycle
that I instantly lost all ability to think or function,
as if I’d forgotten how to breathe and it was all I could do to
keep from sinking to the ground
I don’t know if there is a solution to this or if
this is one of those situations where, as Barbara Sher would say,
you can’t change reality so you have to
adapt your reality to meet your requirements… - a dance practice partner with whom I connect well and we have similar or complementary dance goals
- a warm place to winter
- a protocol to follow when there is sudden noise
and I lose my mind (see endless construction at neighbor’s house)
what do I notice about these wishes
they’re all about quiet
even safe driving-at-night is about maintaining quiet headspace and
staying connected to myself which
(for me)
is a form of internal quiet
and wishes for connection and creativity can
also be answered through quiet
my wishes are about safety and sanctuary
welcoming and belonging
the usual stuff
the usual balms that soothe my pain about
perceptions/past-experiences of not having those things
what do I know about surprise easy solutions?
they exist
just yesterday I had two:
the dance class I don’t like magically transformed
into a class I do like
the person in new york who wasn’t responding to my request for intel
found the missing piece just when I was ready to
escalate tactics
hmmm okay actually I am coming up with plenty of examples
and yet I still disbelieve that
surprise easy solutions will be available for me
what do I know about being in search of surprise easy solutions?
well that goes back to waiting for yes
(wait for it….)
and it goes back to creating quiet for myself
because quiet generates clarity
and clarity makes space for intel
and intel leads me to desire and yes
this is what the waiting process is for
percolating is invisible work
and yet I also know that I am impatient
I need-want tenants for my empty house
I need-want some sort of plan for where I am going to go and when
what do I know about waiting for yes?
the wilds have disappeared
the wilds are my incoming selves who usually advise me
in all things
they say they won’t weigh in on anything until
I start advocating for my own yeses
instead of settling for half-yes
they are very insistent about this
and I get it
but also I miss them
who is the me who knows how to wait for yes?
there is a me who knows about the waiting that is
not passive
an active engaged waiting
like in dance
when you hang out at the end of the connection
waiting for new intel
always listening, always anchoring
using your feet like hands
caressing the ground while simultaneously pushing against it
expanding, lengthening, testing your tether
drawing energy from the earth
drawing your power from the anticipation
from the moment of sweet almost
right before the exhale and release
the arborist coined the word anticipice
[anticipation + precipice]
that is where I am now
hiding in bed
but hiding is a legitimate response to
big unknowns
how do I trust this waiting for yes?
maybe I practice with small yeses
this seat
that apple
this true-yes walk in the sun right now
part of me wants to retreat
until a yes reveals itself
(but where do you retreat when everything is falling all around you)
and part of me wants to strike out
to make something change
through making it react
to my spark-burst
wait for it….
what does it mean to be in search of surprise easy solutions
like a personal ad
eccentric 39 year old ISO surprise easy solutions
please direct your responses to the hollow in the big tree
searching through waiting
searching through listening
searching through allowing
searching through asking
searching through easing and releasing
searching through echoing and reverberating
searching through skipping stones across the water
searching through reaching out
searching through turning in
talk to me, me who knows how to wait for yes
she: invite yes in
me: how
she: the usual way
me: by taking care of myself?
she: yes and…
me: by asking
she: yes and
me: I have asked and yes isn’t here
she: then say thank you for each no, for each redirection
me: what next?
she: there is no next
me: great
she: no, it’s good, there isn’t any more you have to do
me: but the waiting is so uncomfortable
she: I know, babe, I’m sorry
me: this is just like…
she: now is not then, my love, I promise
me: I don’t know what to do
she: maybe buy your yes some flowers
flowers?
me: ??
she: well, flowers make everything better
me: and then what
she: and then you’re interacting with your yes, even if you don’t know what it is yet
me: I think I do know it, I know parts of it, I just don’t see how any of it is possible
she: write it a love letter
me: I feel discouraged and disheartened
she: yes, that happens sometimes with love, and with life, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong, it just means that home and sanctuary are big life themes, and maybe not easy right now
me: tell me something reassuring
she: you, my dear, have had and are continuing to have a very interesting life, not boring for a second, and this will work out beautifully
use what you know
she: use what you know
me: I don’t understand
she: you know that quiet is the most important thing for you, so go with that
me: ….
she: you know so many things, you know how to turn inward, you know how to think like a dancer, you know how to be brave, you never settled and that gives you power, and now you are wishing for something settled in a new way, and this is all new for you and so of course it is hard, but that doesn’t undo your power, so use what you know
me: I don’t know how to wait though, waiting reminds me of [Then] when I waited too long and things got really bad
she: this is a very different, new kind of waiting, you get to choose the quality of your waiting, you can choose the waiting that feels hopeless but you can also choose the kind where it is full of anticipice….
me: so, basically, bring some sparkle into it?
she: the feelings (pain, fear) behind the Hopeless Sensation are very legitimate, and they’re also not a particularly useful filter for what’s actually happen, you are wise in these things, you know how to acknowledge them and make space for them to exist while still not letting them be the ones who get to tell this unfolding story
unfolding
me: who gets to tell the story
she: what makes a good story?
me: not knowing what is going to happen
she: exactly, see? we’re already killing it at this story
me: okay, so really all we need now is snacks, and to look forward to the next episode
she: our protagonist has spoken and is correct, expectancy is a very sparkly thing
me: I can work with this
what do I want to try while I wait for my yeses
costume changes
lusciousness
intentional naps
second breakfast
flowers, of course
reconnaissance
visiting quiet places
mapping it out
imagining what could be
laughing more
wanting more
wait for it…
what do I know about my wish this week
it is helping me develop the superpowers of I Hear My Yes
and the superpowers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
and this is good
now
I asked the people I like most to sell me on a new place to live
and they are making entertaining arguments in favor of
wherever they are
or wish they were
arizona, central florida, massachusetts, south dakota
a sign in the cafe where I am
escaping the construction noise
is recommending Castle Rock
there’s one in washington (the state directly to my north)
and one in colorado
I can’t imagine I’d like to live in either
but I like how castle = [home + sovereignty]
and rock = [power + steadiness]
so I will take these qualities as my clues
and glow thank you in my heart
superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing
thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now
ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!
this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!
if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go
now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum
last week’s wishes
two weeks ago I wished a wish called the guild of the colorful silk parachute (the quite revolution)…
I wished for a REVOLUTION, you guys, and I stand by that wish
it feels right
it feels important and right
and I am glad that I wished it
there is much more to do
to set up forms and figure out how this could look
thank you everyone for your warmth, enthusiasm, appreciation and fierce shared joy
it means so much to me
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken glows wild
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 398th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Being a detective and investigating/solving mysteries! This was more fun than problem-solving, and also I learned that it can be done from bed, which is useful when you can’t get out of bed. The best part of being a detective of course is naming the mysteries, and here were some of mine….
The Mystery Of The Missing Hat (Literal)
The Mystery Of The Missing Hat (Metaphorical)
The Mystery Of When (and Whence!) to Fly
The Mystery Of Many Happy Returns
The Mystery Of What Would A Pro Do
The Mystery Of The Fluffy Robe
The Mystery Of When Do We Shower
The Mystery Of The Missing Piece/Peace
The Mystery Of Seattle
Another good thing about mysteries is that they work on the principle of fractal flowers — any clue about one helps solve the rest of them.
I also learned many interesting things while in detective mode, for example, that the mystery of the missing hat is actually the mystery of I Find It So Hard To Take Care Of Myself Unless Some External Source Is Giving Me Permission To Do It…
Next time I might…
Give up sooner.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of maps and passages, and here were the days:
Surprising ease. Entry. Hero of this story. Recovery/New moon. A new start. In my power. Trust more.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Stupidest Curse Ever
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was miserable in every way, and I have no desire to enumerate all the ways. It was just awful. Goodbye, week. A breath for this.
- My birthday curse kicked in a full day early, and everything I set up beforehand in the hopes of neutralizing the curse just backfired so hard. Like in The Truman Show when everything conspires to keep him from getting off the island. Everything conspired to keep me from doing anything for my birthday other than crying alone in my empty house which was the only thing I didn’t want to be doing. A breath for me.
- So much distress, despair, discomfort. A breath for presence.
- As if the birthday curse wasn’t enough, a streak of five nights in a row of TERRIBLE dances, including one night where I left after ten minutes because it was already so bad that I couldn’t stay in the room anymore. A breath for ease.
- The night before my birthday: nightmares all night long. The night after my birthday: awake until 6am. A breath for rest.
- The time I got stranded in early evening and there were mysteriously no buses scheduled until 5:30am (see: birthday curse) and no cabs available (see: birthday curse), and was screamed at by a very disturbed person. A breath for safety.
- Ugh seriously everything was miserable and I was miserable, and I can’t be in my house because there is loud construction next door featuring banging, drilling, yelling and terrible music! And I don’t have anywhere to go, and it’s all the worst. This week was like wandering through a confusing landscape where the only signs say GTFO but they don’t have any information about how or where. A breath for miracles and doors.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The bnb I ended up hiding in to escape my birthday curse was very cozy and sweet. A breath for safe houses.
- The beautiful far-away cowboy had flowers delivered to my porch for my birthday, with a sweet note, both of which I’m pretty sure broke all of his rules of being a cowboy. It was really lovely, and flowers do in fact make everything better. A breath of love.
- Hey, when things are terrible, I know how to walk away and remove myself from the situation. This is a skill I haven’t always had. A breath of thankfulness.
- Sometimes when all signs point to GTFO, you have to make big changes, and maybe that’s exactly what’s needed. A breath being redirected.
- Many wonderful friends texted kind loving things on my birthday, and even though I was not able to respond because I was a disastrous mess of a puddle of a non-functioning person, it is a very sweet thing to have this outpouring of love and affection, so yay technology, thank you. Extra thank you to the vicar for these comforting words: “hey, now the miserable week is closer to complete, and say what you will about time being a son of a bitch…sometimes its steady mechanics help.” Yes, they do. A breath of thankfulness.
- Repeat from last week: Taking care of myself to the best of my ability, and this counts. A breath for practice.
- I am finding the good inside of the hard. A breath of gratitude for my training.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of my former housemate coming over just to give me a hug, a trip to the spice shop, learning new things, being done with old things. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Steps on the Studio Op, and The Fountaining. Moving the Wild Wild Nest op back into R&D. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage are ongoing. And The Wild Convening is was a disaster but we are rescheduling. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of Perfect Simple Solutions Reveal Themselves To Me and With The Greatest of Ease, and two of them found me.
Powers I want.
I still want new dance friends to go dancing with: All The Right People To Play With Show Up, or the superpower of Just Right Companionship. And this might need to happen in another city, because it’s not happening here.
(Hilariously, a few hours after writing this, I ran into a dance buddy I don’t see that much who said “hey we should go dancing together way more often, let me know where and when!”)
And mainly I want the superpowers of glowing wild, trusting my panther self, finding good exits.
The Salve of Wild Glow.
This salve returns me to my fierce fearless animal power, the part of me who knows how to stalk and bound and be wonderfully ALIVE.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week we also have a Fake Movie of the Week, via a very entertaining conversation with former housemate about how funny it is that a company would a) choose the name Puritan, and then b) proceed to make sleep products. We imagined that these items would chastise you to be more productive and cast away sloth, which led to an animated film featuring Tom Hanks, it takes place on an island and is called Castaway Sloth
Please meet this week’s band, which produced the sound track to the film of course:
Thinking While Axlewrapped
Thanks to Carolina Sloan for that one. Their latest album is Just Half A Million, and this band is just one guy.
TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!
We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.
And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards — PASSWORD: sweetdoors — because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!