Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 399th week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Doing entry. Practicing enter as you wish to be in it.

Here is the entry I did for a secret rendezvous, aka what other people call a business meeting:

hello productive rendezvous to be!
here is what I need:

clean clear lines of communication (both sides!)
warmth and friendliness (both sides!)
grounded presence (both sides!)
patience (both sides!)
creative sparks (both sides!)
and this rendezvous to be good entry for the next one

may we both be in our most creative clear loving state
with our wisest selves ready to help

And not only did this make me feel better about entering the meeting, all of these things actually happened, which is kind of wonderful, and now I am no longer dreading the follow up meeting.

Next time I might…

Say no to anything that doesn’t sound absolutely enticing.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of waiting for yes, and here were the days:

Trust harder. What is big yes. Surprise solutions. I’m amazing. I hear my yes. Creative genius! Inspiration lands.

(Yes, it was kind of a pep talk sort of week)

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Trying Not To Make Crumbs: the Havi Brooks Story

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Ongoing construction projects (not mine) making me lose my mind. A breath for how much I crave quiet.
2. Mysterious ankle injury is back except this is a new one and I still don’t know how this keeps happening. Do I get blackout drunk and kick radiators? I think that would have to involve drinking though. And radiators. So it’s not that but it’s very frustrating. A breath for me.
3. Showing the house is a pain in the ass, still haven’t found a tenant, but have to keep it spotless at all times. And since I live there, and since the people coming to see the house track in ridiculous amounts of dirt and mud, my life this week was pretty much non-stop cleaning. A breath for ease and for trust.
4. Every single time I think I may have found a possible solution to the mystery of “where is Havi going to live”, it crashes and burns or disappears into thin air. A breath for a just-right home for me, may it find me soon.
5. Last week’s curse of every dance I go to is terrible petered out into every dance I go to is extremely mediocre. So it’s better, but it still isn’t fun. A breath for moving through, or for choosing towards something new.
6. The dream where people stole my mattress as a prank and I had to spend six months (of dream time) trying to win contests in order to get it back and have a bed, only to wake up distraught and exhausted. A breath for safety.
7. Sitting with the void, and it is just so empty. I know that’s how the void works, and I know that sitting and letting it be is important, and it is so very hard. A breath for miracles and doors.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Wise, loving, supportive friends. A breath of appreciation.
2. The beautiful far-away cowboy texting with love and sweetness, wanting joy and safety for me. A breath for this.
3. It finally stopped raining after approximately seven hundred consecutive days of rain, and it is amazing what a difference this makes. A breath of thankfulness.
4. Forward progress on a previously stuck mission! A breath of hell yeah.
5. Able to notice small but significant improvements in my dance drills. A breath of joy.
6. Remembering that 90% of any terrible mood is really stuff I’m picking on on from the outside world, and I don’t need to carry that. And then I feel better when I let it go. A breath for practice.
7. Repeat from last week: I am finding the good inside of the hard. A breath of gratitude for my training.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of flowers everywhere, long walks, a surprisingly productive and happy meeting, a blues lesson where we basically practiced hugging for an hour, and I was miraculously only paired with a) people I like who were b) all approximately my height. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Small but determined steps on the Studio Op, and The Fountaining. I said I was moving the Wild Wild Nest op back into R&D, but now feeling passionate about it again. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage are ongoing. And I am investigating the steps needed to make The Wild Convening a thing. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of trusting my panther self and finding good exits, and I got the first, and some clues about the second.

Powers I want.

I want the superpower of thinking that everything is good news, or at least seeing the possibility for good.

The Salve of Good News.

This salve doesn’t so much deliver good news (though it might!) as it delivers the steady calm certainty that any news coming into my life from now on is good news, and that I have both the trust to receive the good, and the power and fortitude to find the good in all things.

This salve is made of sweetness, and it softens into your skin like magic.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

How Very Dastardly

Their latest album is called Commissioned By Lord Blakely Himself, and this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

I am waiting for yes

waiting for yes and listening for yes
not just for any yes but for my yes
what pulls me and sparks in me
what makes me glow yes
this is the yes I am waiting for
and it is not here
all I have is a swirling mass of no
and a few half-yeses of the sort
one always regrets later

wait for it….

that is my friend Jon’s favorite joke
delivered always with a smile
it means what it says:

wait for it…

wait for the yes
keep doing what you do:
wishing your wishes, inviting clarity,
releasing your desires into the world
and then wait

and it is also wait for it as in
wait for the punchline
are you ready
in 3,2,1…
here it is
wait for it…
yes

I am not enjoying the waiting

which is probably a sign that I need it even more
this waiting is extra stressful thanks to
the various parts of my life currently undecided
and if I don’t stride towards a yes-direction soon
(for example, the answer to the question: where do I want to live)
and then my house is rented out
and I find myself empty-handed
or really, with hands full of no
but also with nowhere to go
do you see

and yet
right now in this moment
what can I do but wait for yes

I don’t know

let’s find out
that’s what wishes are for
that’s what internal exploration is for
asking
and then listening

if that’s not the best form of waiting
I don’t know what is

what do I want

1. a small, quiet, safe, beautiful, cozy nest
   all mine, where I feel safe and at home
2. access to quiet dance practice space where I am always welcome
3. adequate funds to provide for the above
4. quiet time and space to write
5. someone who looks forward to seeing me
   as much as I look forward to seeing them
6. a location where I would like to live,
   or even a general idea about
   where in the world it might be
7. the just right tenants to rent my home,
   ideally very quiet and whose only pets are turtles,
   and who do not play the drums
   (the tenants, though sure, also the turtles)
8. a solution to the thing that does not allow me to drive at night
   extreme sensitivity to lights and flashing,
   the other night while walking home from the bus,
   I was so… flummoxed? distressed? paralyzed?
   by an especially bright and frantically blinking light on an approaching bicycle
   that I instantly lost all ability to think or function,
   as if I’d forgotten how to breathe and it was all I could do to
   keep from sinking to the ground
   I don’t know if there is a solution to this or if
   this is one of those situations where, as Barbara Sher would say,
   you can’t change reality so you have to
   adapt your reality to meet your requirements…
9. a dance practice partner with whom I connect well and we have similar or complementary dance goals
10. a warm place to winter
11. a protocol to follow when there is sudden noise
    and I lose my mind (see endless construction at neighbor’s house)

what do I notice about these wishes

they’re all about quiet
even safe driving-at-night is about maintaining quiet headspace and
staying connected to myself which
(for me)
is a form of internal quiet
and wishes for connection and creativity can
also be answered through quiet

my wishes are about safety and sanctuary
welcoming and belonging
the usual stuff
the usual balms that soothe my pain about
perceptions/past-experiences of not having those things

what do I know about surprise easy solutions?

they exist
just yesterday I had two:

the dance class I don’t like magically transformed
into a class I do like
the person in new york who wasn’t responding to my request for intel
found the missing piece just when I was ready to
escalate tactics

hmmm okay actually I am coming up with plenty of examples
and yet I still disbelieve that
surprise easy solutions will be available for me

what do I know about being in search of surprise easy solutions?

well that goes back to waiting for yes
(wait for it….)
and it goes back to creating quiet for myself
because quiet generates clarity
and clarity makes space for intel
and intel leads me to desire and yes

this is what the waiting process is for
percolating is invisible work

and yet I also know that I am impatient
I need-want tenants for my empty house
I need-want some sort of plan for where I am going to go and when

what do I know about waiting for yes?

the wilds have disappeared
the wilds are my incoming selves who usually advise me
in all things
they say they won’t weigh in on anything until
I start advocating for my own yeses
instead of settling for half-yes
they are very insistent about this
and I get it
but also I miss them

who is the me who knows how to wait for yes?

there is a me who knows about the waiting that is
not passive
an active engaged waiting
like in dance
when you hang out at the end of the connection
waiting for new intel
always listening, always anchoring
using your feet like hands
caressing the ground while simultaneously pushing against it
expanding, lengthening, testing your tether
drawing energy from the earth
drawing your power from the anticipation
from the moment of sweet almost
right before the exhale and release

the arborist coined the word anticipice
[anticipation + precipice]
that is where I am now

how do I trust this waiting for yes?

maybe I practice with small yeses
this seat
that apple
this true-yes walk in the sun right now

part of me wants to retreat
until a yes reveals itself
(but where do you retreat when everything is falling all around you)
and part of me wants to strike out
to make something change
through making it react
to my spark-burst

wait for it….

what does it mean to be in search of surprise easy solutions

like a personal ad
eccentric 39 year old ISO surprise easy solutions
please direct your responses to the hollow in the big tree

searching through waiting
searching through listening
searching through allowing
searching through asking
searching through easing and releasing
searching through echoing and reverberating
searching through skipping stones across the water
searching through reaching out
searching through turning in

talk to me, me who knows how to wait for yes

she: invite yes in
me: how
she: the usual way
me: by taking care of myself?
she: yes and…
me: by asking
she: yes and
me: I have asked and yes isn’t here
she: then say thank you for each no, for each redirection
me: what next?
she: there is no next
me: great
she: no, it’s good, there isn’t any more you have to do
me: but the waiting is so uncomfortable
she: I know, babe, I’m sorry
me: this is just like…
she: now is not then, my love, I promise
me: I don’t know what to do
she: maybe buy your yes some flowers

flowers?

me: ??
she: well, flowers make everything better
me: and then what
she: and then you’re interacting with your yes, even if you don’t know what it is yet
me: I think I do know it, I know parts of it, I just don’t see how any of it is possible
she: write it a love letter
me: I feel discouraged and disheartened
she: yes, that happens sometimes with love, and with life, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong, it just means that home and sanctuary are big life themes, and maybe not easy right now
me: tell me something reassuring
she: you, my dear, have had and are continuing to have a very interesting life, not boring for a second, and this will work out beautifully

use what you know

she: use what you know
me: I don’t understand
she: you know that quiet is the most important thing for you, so go with that
me: ….
she: you know so many things, you know how to turn inward, you know how to think like a dancer, you know how to be brave, you never settled and that gives you power, and now you are wishing for something settled in a new way, and this is all new for you and so of course it is hard, but that doesn’t undo your power, so use what you know
me: I don’t know how to wait though, waiting reminds me of [Then] when I waited too long and things got really bad
she: this is a very different, new kind of waiting, you get to choose the quality of your waiting, you can choose the waiting that feels hopeless but you can also choose the kind where it is full of anticipice….
me: so, basically, bring some sparkle into it?
she: the feelings (pain, fear) behind the Hopeless Sensation are very legitimate, and they’re also not a particularly useful filter for what’s actually happen, you are wise in these things, you know how to acknowledge them and make space for them to exist while still not letting them be the ones who get to tell this unfolding story

unfolding

me: who gets to tell the story
she: what makes a good story?
me: not knowing what is going to happen
she: exactly, see? we’re already killing it at this story
me: okay, so really all we need now is snacks, and to look forward to the next episode
she: our protagonist has spoken and is correct, expectancy is a very sparkly thing
me: I can work with this

what do I want to try while I wait for my yeses

costume changes
lusciousness
intentional naps
second breakfast
flowers, of course
reconnaissance
visiting quiet places
mapping it out
imagining what could be
laughing more
wanting more
wait for it…

what do I know about my wish this week

it is helping me develop the superpowers of I Hear My Yes
and the superpowers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
and this is good

now

I asked the people I like most to sell me on a new place to live
and they are making entertaining arguments in favor of
wherever they are
or wish they were
arizona, central florida, massachusetts, south dakota

a sign in the cafe where I am
escaping the construction noise
is recommending Castle Rock
there’s one in washington (the state directly to my north)
and one in colorado
I can’t imagine I’d like to live in either
but I like how castle = [home + sovereignty]
and rock = [power + steadiness]
so I will take these qualities as my clues
and glow thank you in my heart

superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now

ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go

now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum

last week’s wishes

two weeks ago I wished a wish called the guild of the colorful silk parachute (the quite revolution)…

I wished for a REVOLUTION, you guys, and I stand by that wish
it feels right
it feels important and right
and I am glad that I wished it
there is much more to do
to set up forms and figure out how this could look
thank you everyone for your warmth, enthusiasm, appreciation and fierce shared joy
it means so much to me

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 398th week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Being a detective and investigating/solving mysteries! This was more fun than problem-solving, and also I learned that it can be done from bed, which is useful when you can’t get out of bed. The best part of being a detective of course is naming the mysteries, and here were some of mine….

The Mystery Of The Missing Hat (Literal)
The Mystery Of The Missing Hat (Metaphorical)
The Mystery Of When (and Whence!) to Fly
The Mystery Of Many Happy Returns
The Mystery Of What Would A Pro Do
The Mystery Of The Fluffy Robe
The Mystery Of When Do We Shower
The Mystery Of The Missing Piece/Peace
The Mystery Of Seattle

Another good thing about mysteries is that they work on the principle of fractal flowers — any clue about one helps solve the rest of them.

I also learned many interesting things while in detective mode, for example, that the mystery of the missing hat is actually the mystery of I Find It So Hard To Take Care Of Myself Unless Some External Source Is Giving Me Permission To Do It…

Next time I might…

Give up sooner.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of maps and passages, and here were the days:

Surprising ease. Entry. Hero of this story. Recovery/New moon. A new start. In my power. Trust more.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Stupidest Curse Ever

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. This week was miserable in every way, and I have no desire to enumerate all the ways. It was just awful. Goodbye, week. A breath for this.
2. My birthday curse kicked in a full day early, and everything I set up beforehand in the hopes of neutralizing the curse just backfired so hard. Like in The Truman Show when everything conspires to keep him from getting off the island. Everything conspired to keep me from doing anything for my birthday other than crying alone in my empty house which was the only thing I didn’t want to be doing. A breath for me.
3. So much distress, despair, discomfort. A breath for presence.
4. As if the birthday curse wasn’t enough, a streak of five nights in a row of TERRIBLE dances, including one night where I left after ten minutes because it was already so bad that I couldn’t stay in the room anymore. A breath for ease.
5. The night before my birthday: nightmares all night long. The night after my birthday: awake until 6am. A breath for rest.
6. The time I got stranded in early evening and there were mysteriously no buses scheduled until 5:30am (see: birthday curse) and no cabs available (see: birthday curse), and was screamed at by a very disturbed person. A breath for safety.
7. Ugh seriously everything was miserable and I was miserable, and I can’t be in my house because there is loud construction next door featuring banging, drilling, yelling and terrible music! And I don’t have anywhere to go, and it’s all the worst. This week was like wandering through a confusing landscape where the only signs say GTFO but they don’t have any information about how or where. A breath for miracles and doors.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. The bnb I ended up hiding in to escape my birthday curse was very cozy and sweet. A breath for safe houses.
2. The beautiful far-away cowboy had flowers delivered to my porch for my birthday, with a sweet note, both of which I’m pretty sure broke all of his rules of being a cowboy. It was really lovely, and flowers do in fact make everything better. A breath of love.
3. Hey, when things are terrible, I know how to walk away and remove myself from the situation. This is a skill I haven’t always had. A breath of thankfulness.
4. Sometimes when all signs point to GTFO, you have to make big changes, and maybe that’s exactly what’s needed. A breath being redirected.
5. Many wonderful friends texted kind loving things on my birthday, and even though I was not able to respond because I was a disastrous mess of a puddle of a non-functioning person, it is a very sweet thing to have this outpouring of love and affection, so yay technology, thank you. Extra thank you to the vicar for these comforting words: “hey, now the miserable week is closer to complete, and say what you will about time being a son of a bitch…sometimes its steady mechanics help.” Yes, they do. A breath of thankfulness.
6. Repeat from last week: Taking care of myself to the best of my ability, and this counts. A breath for practice.
7. I am finding the good inside of the hard. A breath of gratitude for my training.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of my former housemate coming over just to give me a hug, a trip to the spice shop, learning new things, being done with old things. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Steps on the Studio Op, and The Fountaining. Moving the Wild Wild Nest op back into R&D. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage are ongoing. And The Wild Convening is was a disaster but we are rescheduling. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Perfect Simple Solutions Reveal Themselves To Me and With The Greatest of Ease, and two of them found me.

Powers I want.

I still want new dance friends to go dancing with: All The Right People To Play With Show Up, or the superpower of Just Right Companionship. And this might need to happen in another city, because it’s not happening here.

(Hilariously, a few hours after writing this, I ran into a dance buddy I don’t see that much who said “hey we should go dancing together way more often, let me know where and when!”)

And mainly I want the superpowers of glowing wild, trusting my panther self, finding good exits.

The Salve of Wild Glow.

This salve returns me to my fierce fearless animal power, the part of me who knows how to stalk and bound and be wonderfully ALIVE.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week we also have a Fake Movie of the Week, via a very entertaining conversation with former housemate about how funny it is that a company would a) choose the name Puritan, and then b) proceed to make sleep products. We imagined that these items would chastise you to be more productive and cast away sloth, which led to an animated film featuring Tom Hanks, it takes place on an island and is called Castaway Sloth

Please meet this week’s band, which produced the sound track to the film of course:

Thinking While Axlewrapped

Thanks to Carolina Sloan for that one. Their latest album is Just Half A Million, and this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards — PASSWORD: sweetdoors — because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

invocation: a breath for all timing is right timing

this is the latest I’ve ever written the wishes
this has also been just the most intensely miserable week
and the hidden treasure of things being miserable
is that when all signs point firmly towards GTFO
at least you know it’s time to make a change
and so instead of wishing the wish I thought I was going to wish
let us release a truly revolutionary wish into this world of ours

an envelope from maxine arrived this week

inside: a note that says thank you
inside: twenty five dollars
maxine does this sometimes, when she has a moment of
observing herself
using a concept or a phrase she got from me
to solve/resolve a situation in her life or meet it in a new way
I have never met maxine but I love her, and I especially appreciate
how she glows appreciation for herself and her noticing,
then glows some back to me

it makes me think of the vision of the
colorful silk parachute

colorful silk parachute

do you know the kind I mean?
a giant colorful silk parachute and everyone lifts together
on the count of three, and then
wheeeeeeee you scamper-slide beneath it super fast
plopping down on the inside of the fabric
and suddenly an amazing circus-like tent floats up above you and holds itself,
everyone goes oooooooh,
it is a canopy, a temporary round house, a sanctuary that has
come into being just for this moment of
shared magic

and people giggle a little because whoa what just happened

what I want

for the first time in a long while I know
with stunning crisp certainty
exactly what I want
from/for/in my now eleven-year-old business
it is wonderfully liberating to know this
and also more than a little scary

but I am just going to say it
because I know it
with such huge intense clarity
that I cannot not say it

{entry}
{presence}
{breath}
{here it is}

an entirely different stream / an entirely different way of thinking

on the television action show Leverage, they like to say
oh we work on an entirely different revenue stream
and they take such delight in this Alternative Revenue Stream
which of course is supported by leverage
they use this instead of money
or they use leverage to acquire the funds needed
for their secret ops
but the point is that they don’t think about their work
in terms of money
and they don’t worry about whether or not the client can pay them
because they’ll get compensated anyway and they believe in the mission
and somehow, counter-intuitively, this thinking-about-it-differently
becomes an opening
and all the resources they need are there

yes this is marvelous

I too would like a company that functions on
an Entirely Different Revenue Stream
with the accompanying superpowers of giddiness and glee at being
outside of the usual way of doing things
except (and here is where things veer off fairly drastically from the show),
I want to do this with clarity, honesty, integrity, intention, love,
and raw vulnerable presence
because this is right, and because these are the prerequisites
for us to do what we do here

stream

the alternate revenue stream I want my business to run on
is this:

GLOWING APPRECIATION and APPRECIATION GLOWING

and here is how I envision this
somewhat radical idea

roundness and rhythm

a circular-cycle
pulsing points of light
self-perpetuating
appreciation is felt-glowed-expressed
which then generates more appreciation and more glowing
back into the circle
flowing-glowing burnished copper and gold
everyone involved at any point feels loved
so beautifully appreciated,
and then appreciating more,
and then being appreciated again for appreciating
until the circle cannot even contain all this good feeling and the
entire world just spills over with gratitude and
the incredible vibrating throbbing humming joy-flooding feeling that
comes from
being full and present inside your thank-you heart

I envision something like this….

people come to this beautiful peaceful magically safe space
this space that we have built here together
(yes, together, because while I may have called it into being and
filled it with words-and-welcoming, it is the community of
thoughtful, creative, warm-hearted people
who have gathered here and made it pulse with life)

I imagine people coming here and saying:

mmmm what a remarkable space, this place is a glowing source of good in the world
and I want to be a part of this
I want to find my place here, play here when called to play,
to take the treasures that whisper my name, and let them
bring light and lightness into my life
to pick from among these shining ideas, concepts, tools, practices, experiments and sparks,
and make them my own
how can I share my appreciation for all the good that is here for me

what I want is something non-transactional

maybe even the opposite of transactional

what I want is a little bit like a guild

this is from a letter Lorinda sent last year, one of the people who views
the fluent self as a sort of guild they belong to
and just send me money once in a while:

Dear Barrington,
Two years ago on May 6, 2013, I found The Fluent Self website. Last year I was able to catch my magic bus to Rally! There I promised myself that I would expend the equivalent of my annual dues to a professional organization at The Fluent Self. Enclosed is a check for one third of the balance, and I am throwing Havi a bouquet of flowers because her writing is helping me on my Quest. My tangible thanks can reach Havi as a warm glow, or whatever she needs the appreciation to be, much like the salves, which are not only helping me but also my husband. Thank you again!

many times I have wished for a thousand Lorindas!
or wished that this was just a thing where people, all the time,
thought of themselves as belonging to the world of self-fluency
and then so of course we all support the work because the work supports us
and it just makes sense to do that

and yet, while silently wishing for this,
I have kept on running an ordinary business
a business that runs on the ridiculous founding principle of internet businesses
(more on that in a minute)
instead of one that functions like a guild

the colorful silk parachute belongs to all of us

the way things work now is that a core group of us hold onto the parachute edges
lifting it so everyone can run underneath
and this really made sense to me for a long time
actually I kind of thought of it as a radical experiment in socialism and social justice:
those who have more resources or are more committed to
diving deeper into self-fluency
people who can find money, time or willingness to invest in their lives
they lift the parachute through
[buying products or coming to events or working with me]
and this allows everyone to play here at no cost
which is really beautiful
and sometimes makes me cry because I feel so strongly
that everyone should be able to play here regardless of
whether or not their appreciation is tangible or not

now I want something new

well, I still want the material I share here to be
free for everyone
I will always want that
and: I want EVERYONE who can lift to lift, even if it’s just with one tiny fingertip!
even if it’s five dollars a year, sending a letter of appreciation,
sharing links to favorite posts with other people
I want that attitude and feeling of yes we are taking part in this together
making it happen together
it’s so light, this silk parachute, and so much lighter when everyone is helping
wheeeeeee! like that

I want these qualities of COLOR and LIGHTNESS and PLAY
JOYFUL PARTICIPATION and COMMUNITY and TOGETHERING
and EACH IN OUR OWN WAY and EACH OF US IS ENOUGH and
together we are the Mighty Mighty Nature Crew!

okay I guess we need to talk about C-I-F

I don’t want to sell things in the shop anymore
it’s such an odd dynamic, selling things in a shop
every time I think about it
the whole thing breaks my brain

in fact I will go one step further
I don’t want to spend any more time coming up with things
people will pay for
I am perfectly happy to invent and create these things
as a way of saying thank you to my fellow playmates in the guild,
of glowing more appreciation back into the
circle of appreciation

currently I have things for sale because the rigged-game set-up of the internet
is that Content Is Free (C-I-F)
and for the record, I’m not against Content Is Free…

I believe in C-I-F!

it might even be the thing I feel most strongly about
that people without resources
should be able to come here and soak up all the good
and using or adapting whichever concepts and techniques appeal to them
this is why this space exists

I have also benefitted from C-I-F!

C-I-F was so helpful to me when I was starting my business in 2005
and money was tight, support was non-existent, I couldn’t afford help
reading posts online was an incredible resource for me
having free content is also how I give back
someone resourceful and motivated could easily put themselves
through university levels of self-fluency studies
by reading the archives of everything I’ve written
and never pay a dime

and knowing that people do this
fills me with great joy

C-I-F also worked for me back when:

a) the internet wasn’t as loud,
it was much easier to be
the clear signal in the noise
b) I offered so many other paid services
(coaching teaching workshops retreats trainings)
and other things I no longer wish to do
because I no longer have any desire to be in the front of the room
I no longer want to be complicit in any way
in supporting a culture that even implies
that some people are the experts and know better
I only want to be in a culture where sovereign equals play together,
where each of us is able to reveal our own wise knowing
and we all support this environment where everyone else can do the same

after spending nearly a decade toppling myself off
of every pedestal people wanted to put me on
I no longer agree to be in a leadership role
we are all Agents in the agency of Agency,
coming together as equals, to play and learn and be wonderfully surprised by what we
uncover, individually and together,
this is how I want to work

so what do I mean when I say the old dynamic isn’t working

right now I sell things in the shop because
if content is free
— if I’m not going to be compensated for the many hours I work here —
then something else
(more/better/secret content)
(next levels, help with implementation)
needs to have a price
because this is a business and it has employees, beyond me,
and everyone who works here needs to get paid, being paid is important,
and I have been neglecting this part of the business the past couple years
which is my own messy unsovereign pattern

but the point is, I currently follow the way of the world and I say
hey X is available for purchase and it is amazing
and if enough people say yay then I don’t have to go get a new job
I don’t want to do this anymore

in part because, to quote ann friedman,
“I am fine with a labor of love, but not a labor of debt”

and in part, because what I am currently modeling in agreeing to this
is neither sustainable nor joyful
which is wildly incongruent with what we’re trying to do here
since getting closer to qualities like sustainability and joy…
well, that’s the practice

here’s what I want

I want us to do away with the train of thought behind
[pay X to Get Y]

here is what I want the thinking to be instead:
wow self-fluency has given me so much
and changed how I interact with myself and the world
I want more of this joy and more of this play
and what I really want is to express my appreciation for everything I’ve received
how can I do that?

and then this person is so full of joy
that they send funds of thank you
and I am so full of joy, and so much appreciation for their appreciation
that I send them [product of their choosing]
as a thank you for the thank you
and I am perfectly happy
to give people something more to work with

and instead of selling/buying products
we thank each other with love
and up the glow

extra sweet

then the thank-you package they get is now extra sweet
because they already received the value before acquiring it
so there is no expectation and no monster-guilt
only big wild joy

is this possible though

to subvert the rigging to such a degree
that we can train ourselves to think of giving appreciation
because that’s what wants to be given
and not because of something we get in return
and then getting something as appreciation for the appreciation
and feeling wonderful about that
in place of the cultural training we have in
[“I paid Sum X and therefore I deserve Thing Y” or
“I don’t know if I’m ready to invest Sum X because what if I don’t use Thing Y”}

I don’t know

but I want to try
and have been trying to figure out what this might look like

because I think this is such a valuable practice:
actively wanting to Glow Appreciation as a way of being a part of something
and I also think this is a surprisingly
powerful, subversive and DISRUPTIVE act
undoing the rigging of the rigged game
through intentionally disengaging from the Transactional Exchange
and coming back to love

appreciation meets appreciation

love: I thank you for your thank you with a thank you,
but that ideally won’t be the motivating reason for
investing in my work which is really our work
because we all do it together
maybe in that sense what you receive is more like a Return On Investment for
being someone who is committing to the life practice of
supporting what you believe in because it supports you
and then — bonus! it supports you even more
the cycle of glowing appreciation glows stronger
and then everyone benefits because when I am no longer
a) Not Being Paid for my work
b) not spending my time inventing ways to keep
this unsustainable C-I-F method afloat
I can actually hang out here and write
which is what I want to be doing with my days

does this make sense?
I hope it does

anything else I want to say about this?

noticing the old Fear of Being Misunderstood brigade
so I want to be very clear about where I stand:

I really do understand that some of you are not currently in the position to share appreciation in any tangible form, even a dollar, and there is nothing wrong with this, I get it, I was in that situation and worse, and know what this is like

of course I feel the glow of your appreciation and glow appreciation back to you,
and there is no more you need to do, this space is here for you always,
and if you want and are able to glow more appreciation
through sending a postcard or sharing a link, then that is beautiful too,
and if right now that’s too much, you as you are in this moment is enough,
you are a part of this place regardless
you are loved and welcome and appreciated here, always

I stand by that

if you want to join this quiet revolution, be a part of the guild…

there is more thinking I need to do about form
in the meantime
there are truly great things in the shop
that will be gone when the shop closes
you could glow appreciation through saying yes to one of those
or to anything on the spark page
but instead of thinking of it as “buying” something
think of it as expressing appreciation for this space and
the insights, processes and practices
we experiment with here
and then getting even more appreciation back

if that doesn’t appeal to you,
there’s always Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and then you can give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum

and who knows what big magic will be seeded

in the world
through this quiet revolution
where we insist on more sustainable ways
(and keep experimenting until we find out what they are)
of glowing good into the world
together

what do I know about my wish this week

the way I’m currently doing things is not sustainable
and the above sentence applies to everything in my life
not just to a rigged-game business model that used to work
(for me, though probably not for that many people) once upon a time

and so I ask for the superpowers of Clear Seeing,
Deep Wild Trust, and New Doors

I don’t know what the answers are but I do know
that the continuing on the not-yes path
is not helping anyone, not me and not the
people who read here
who are the reason I’ve been doing this for all these years
so this is a wish about newness and about heart
turning inward into my thank-you heart
to attune to my own glow-streams
my own quiet knowing
with love for all that is here

now

I just looked up and smiled: there’s a new mural on the wall at the cafe
and I didn’t notice it yesterday:
friendships are a history of shared meals
history, sharing, nourishment, joy
that’s it exactly

that’s the one thousand five hundred and sixteen posts here
beautiful shared meals

let’s start a revolution

I’m more than happy to be the one who cooks delicious things
and now I’m going to challenge myself to change both my own patterns
of not accepting help
and the rigged-game itself
by launching a quiet revolution in the world
by inviting everyone in my world to share in some form in the labor,
in the play, and in the appreciation
whether that’s grocery shopping and washing up
or bringing flowers or glowing appreciation in our hearts
each of us touching one finger to the colorful silk parachute
smiling to ourselves because we belong to a secret guild
a quiet revolution

superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now

ANNOUNCEMENT!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
— PASSWORD: sweetdoors —
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go

last week’s wishes

two weeks ago I wished a wish called true currency…

which led me to last week’s wish of maps and passages, which brought me to the challenging passage of this past week, which brought me to this

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 397th week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Imagining that I have a tiny nearly-invisible earpiece in my ear with which I can hear the rest of my team, because I’m a character on the television show Leverage, in my mind, except that my team is my Incoming Wild Selves.

Every time I felt shaky, I could hear one of them say, “You’ve got this, babe. You’re doing great, cool as a cucumber, all is going according to the plan!”

This was such a useful reminder that I can’t see the whole plan, only the part I’m currently interacting with, and maybe everything is not Completely Falling Apart (Again!) the way my monsters think it is. And even if it were, being able to respond from calm steady trust is already rewriting the pattern and changing the game.

Next time I might…

Build in way more recovery time.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of maps and passages, and here were the days:

This is fun. We’ve got this. Day of Leap. Revolution. A well bell. A new outlook. Knocking it out of the park.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Be Willing To Happily Abandon The Plan

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. So I entered three dance competitions last weekend, and here’s a thing about that, which I already knew in advance: dance competitions are not actually a great environment for a highly sensitive person who is also an extreme introvert. I knew being around that much noise and excited, ungrounded, chaotic energy would be extremely intense and overwhelming for me, but somehow didn’t really take into consideration how long the after-effects of depletion might last. Couldn’t get out of bed before noon all week (am usually a morning person, this is very unusual), and being around people, even a quick trip to the grocery store, was just the worst. A breath for this.
2. Every single Plan B I had — and I’m moving out of my house but don’t yet know where I’m going, so I have an elaborate list of nearly two dozen Plans B — fell through this week, one after the other, in a cascading domino effect that was enthralling and horrifying in its total destruction. A breath for big trust and for sitting with the not-knowing and the not-even-a-maybe, because that’s what we’ve got.
3. Lots of pain stirred up from then. A breath for healing.
4. I miss someone who is far away, and everything about this is complicated. A breath for ease.
5. While I have been trying to maintain safe headspace for myself by not reading anything related to the American presidential race, my god the political climate in this country is so ugly and distressing. Remember the late 80s? Remember Dan Quayle? Remember the things he would say? Remember how horrified people were at the thought of someone like that being second in command? And now it’s pretty hard to imagine that the thing we most feared was power in the hands of someone who was just not very bright. Right now, that seems pretty benign in contrast to the vitriol and xenophobia on display as Trump and Cruz bash it out. A breath for breathing, for safety first, for something better.
6. I am living out of a suitcase and can’t find anything I need, and this is not how I envisioned adulthood. I mean, I am delighted to not be a wife or a mother, and to be living a life of grand adventure, but I would also like to have a kitchen and a view, or even just know where I want to live. A breath for wanting.
7. Impending Birthday Crisis could easily be the fake band of the week. A breath for ease.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. I handled competing much better than I thought I would. I also handled not winning much better than I thought I would. A hundred billion sparklepoints to me for both of these, and for being brave and trying something new. A breath of admiration.
2. Dance breakthrough. Huge reverberating moment of “oh, wax on and wax off is how you block punches!” All the drills I’ve been working on so hard landed at once, and suddenly I get it, it all makes sense! A breath of joy.
3. I asked for a new outlook and I got one. A breath of thankfulness.
4. Big sweetness from far away. A breath for feeling this.
5. All is well. It just is. I am in advanced levels of the video game of learning this, and sailing through the tests. A breath for new skills.
6. Taking care of myself to the best of my ability, and this counts. A breath for practice.
7. I don’t yet know why or how it could be good that all my options disappeared this week, but I know that future me thinks this is really good news, so I’m going with that. A breath of gratitude for being able to trust this hard.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of flowers everywhere. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Big progress this week on the Studio Op, and The Fountaining. Officially retiring the Wild Wild Nest op but unofficially letting it percolate quietly on a back burner and trusting that it is the right secret op but just not the right time. Operations Jubilation and Wild Montage are ongoing. And The Wild Convening is underway. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Oh This Is Great News, and to have this power about everything, and it was hard work at first but I got there, and this is a very useful power.

Powers I want.

I still want new dance friends to go dancing with: All The Right People To Play With Show Up, or the superpower of Just Right Companionship.

And mainly I want the superpowers of Perfect Simple Solutions Reveal Themselves To Me and With The Greatest of Ease.

The Salve of Luscious Adventuring.

I formulated this salve to help me find new perspective on suitcase-life, to get into the mindset of the playful adventurer who loves lusciousness, instead of going into hopelessness and poor-me. This salve is made of:

Fantastic Unexpected Luckiness. Possibility. Presence. Pleasure. Play. Desire. Glamour. Honey.

This is a good salve for any situation that needs a new outlook.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Hold The Twos

Their latest album is Paddle Paddle Paddle, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards — PASSWORD: sweetdoors — because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week, they’re amazing! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!