endings

in october of 2001, my marriage fell apart
no, that is not true
in october of 2001, my husband and I walked along the beach at sunset
and somehow drew forth the courage to say in words what we had both known inside
consciously/unconsciously
the falling apart had already happened, it wasn’t in process,
it was in fact long since complete,
what if we just stopped pretending-imagining we could figure it out
and let go

I spent the next almost-two-years in a small sweet wonder of
a studio apartment
in an old repurposed clothing factory in south tel aviv
it had asbestos and bars on the window and a weird metal door
and you had to squeeze through the bathroom to get to the balcony
but it had wild magic and it was sanctuary and
I loved it with a passion that is
difficult to describe

exiting

I remember how I felt
exiting that apartment in late summer of 2003
almost unbearable sadness about this goodbye
about the loss of this specific place that felt like my heart-home
as well as the more general/existential ache
of not having a home that was just for me
or a place where I felt I belonged

I comforted myself (or tried to)
with the thought that my new home would find me soon enough
but that didn’t actually happen

I didn’t have a safe place to actually land until November of 2006
when R and I rented a cozy half of a duplex in Sacramento
and still didn’t have a place where I really felt at home
until november of 2008, when I moved into the house I now own
and am now exiting

in-between

during some of those long years of in-between I had
an address here or there
not necessarily a place where I was welcome,
though still a place to go
but for substantial chunks of that time I was just wandering
not here and not there,
somewhere between lost and not-lost,
between maybe and almost,
friend’s couches, sometimes
sometimes I had a safe temporary space to stay and sometimes I didn’t

now is not then

I repeat this to myself, mantra-like, a thousand times a day at least

now is not then / now is not then / now is not then

and I list all the ways I can think of that prove this
especially in those moments that now is in fact reminding me a lot of then
because that is how the brain works
for example when I say to myself,
“oh my love, there is nothing to worry about
our safe nest will find us very soon”,
there is no actual way I can believe this
because all I remember is how I wanted so much to believe this then
except then the next few years were absolutely hellish

and yet all the
— sweet beautiful vulnerable scary deep —
internal work I have done here and inside myself
in the years since then
tells me that nothing is more true and more powerful
than Now Is Not Then
and nothing is more vitally important than remembering this
because remembering is the key to being here, now

this is the work of life

everything we do that might help us either claw our way back
to this moment of Ah Yes Now Is Now
or soften into remembering the now-ness of now
everything we do to see and feel the difference between now and then
everything we do to layer on experiences of safety
counting the ways
counting our way back
coming back to truth and [here, now]
grace-filled moments of presence
this is the work of life

emptying and M-T-ing

1. this is the year of Easing & Releasing so of course we are emptying, let’s breathe acknowledgment and legitimacy for how hard it is, and recognizing that this is part of a voyage/trajectory that we intentionally set into motion, and all is well…
2. emptying out the house means emptying the things that are done
3. beautiful red balloons of releasing, both in the sense of letting go and also freeing our wishes into the world
4. tabula rasa – blank slate – white space is very calming for me
5. there is a time for everything, and here is the time for learning about emptying
6. now is not then
7. emptying sounds like M-T-ing, and I like thinking about what M-T might mean, More Treasure, Melodic Trance, Melting (with) Touch, Morphing-Transforming, Mind Temple, Mission of Trust, what else…?
8. this is good life practice for me, to experience what it is like to leave my home and be okay, and that now is in fact entirely different from then
9. as the arborist says, “one less thing to worry about — zero minus one is negative one!”

just a few of the ways that now is not then, let us name them and remember!

1. 2016 is really and truly nothing like 2003. Truth.
2. I am leaving my home now because this is indicated and this is right, and staying here, as much as I love it, is no longer my yes, and following my yes is my primary life goal right now — then I left because I lost my job and couldn’t find a new one and ran out of options
3. owning a home and renting it out as an income stream is totally different from having to leave because I couldn’t pay rent, this is just a strategically smart thing I’m doing to cover my mortgage while I am doing cool shit in other places.
4. then I had no viable options — my best friend was in london, my lover was gearing up to move to amsterdam, everyone I knew in tel aviv was in some sort of crisis and couldn’t help me out, my family was not an option, their view was more or less “you brought this on yourself and it’s selfish and inconsiderate that you would turn to us for help, you’re on your own, sink or swim”, and when they did offer ‘help’, the terms were so punitive that I was better off fending for myself anyway…but now I have so many amazing options, at least six people I love have said “of course you will stay with me for as long as you need”, I might be able to build a small studio space, I might hit the road again for a while with the beautiful boy and his motorhome, I can stay with my uncle while things work themselves out, many wonderful things are being seeded and in process…
5. this is the right time, I can feel the truth of this, it is part of a long process of exits and rest stops, emptying and replenishing, emerging and receiving, easing and releasing, echoing and reverberating…there is so much trust now that I didn’t have then
6. then I waited until I was beyond depleted to act, too tired to see all the miracles, now I am following the advice of my wise selves, now I know what to look for and how to come back to my thank-you heart
7. I work for myself, I own my own company, and can more or less set my own hours, especially now with having let go of my other business (the ballroom/chocolate shop) ….back then I was a bartender studying to be a yoga instructor, in a city with both record unemployment and an excess of both of these, and it was all hustle all the time
8. then I didn’t have an address, which was the worst, and I didn’t own keys, which was the worst (until later when I had a thousand keys because I was sometimes-staying with so many different people, which was also the worst), and sometimes I didn’t sleep at night at all because there was nowhere to go and then had to casually nap in the park during the day which was THE ACTUAL WORST, and some other stuff happened which was even worse than that, but now I still have my home address and I have my mailing address for the business, and anyway, it’s the future and there are services that will scan your mail for you, and anyway, most importantly, I am never going to need to sleep outdoors again for as long as I live unless I actively choose to do so for fun, there will always be a bed for me, forever, because now is not then, amen
9. among the many things I didn’t have then which I have now: ways of earning money, a credit card, any future savings, trust, balance, self-care or self-treasuring, the ability to turn inward, skills, self-fluency, internal work, calming techniques, processing techniques, access to the wisdom of Incoming Me, the ability to hear my yes/trust my yes/follow my yes, this blog and its amazing community of thoughtful compassionate interesting people that I get to gather with and play with, the ability to make safe rooms for past-me, which I am doing right now, and I know she can feel it, because I actively remember many moments during the worst times when I suddenly felt mysteriously calm and peaceful and full-of-trust, this is all the times that older-wiser-me has gone back to glow healing for me-then, all the superpowers of retroactive healing forever!

so we have chosen this emptying and M-T-ing, for what purpose?

intentions/desires/wishes/goals…

• the superpower of I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO WORRY: engage!
• the month of sanctuary is about safety first, I am learning how I can live this even when I don’t know where my safe space is yet, I am learning to choose calming, sheltering, permission-filled experiences for body-mind….
• like shiva who destroys (or: deconstructs) in order to create, who calls in the moment of breaking things down into their components so something new and better can be built, yes, I know how this works, I have lived this, I know about the superpowers of [create-and-destroy], about letting things go and trusting that All Is Well and This Is Good
• love more trust more release more receive more
• I am a writer who writes, I am a dancer who dances, all this emptying and exiting is only going to support what is important to me
• clear space to get quiet and listen for my next yes, emptying out to fill up again, emptying to create space for protected glowing.…

what do I know about my wish this week

it’s about meeting the raw, vulnerable pain of life
with presence, playfulness, hope, compassion,
and a commitment to clear seeing
big self-love, endless permission,
wrapping up past-me in sheltering love
tucking her into a giant bed in the safest of safe rooms
letting this wish to care for myself and treasure myself
be my beacon

being my own beacon

this exquisite self-care is my steady reminder that now-is-now,
because now-me has the skills and abilities to do this,
to call on support for all past-selves,
and to draw on support from all future-selves and all parallel-selves
I am not alone in this, because every wise, capable version of me is here
extending a hand
glowing love my way
and in any moment of forgetting
I can pause, get down on the floor, and breathe until I remember

now

sitting on the small couch in the kitchen
the only piece of furniture left
listening to the rain
daffodils from my garden in the last unpacked vase
flowers really do make everything better
so many things to appreciate
my favorite blanket wrapped around me
a mug of tea
the thing Orna said once upon a time about how nothing is more valuable
than the ability to feel at home in yourself…
knowing that everything I do to cultivate that,
to glow where I have not before,
is brave, beautiful, and vitally important

superpower of safety first

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of FREDOM, and february is the door of SANCTUARY, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of safety first

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
what a perfect choice

ANNOUNCEMENT!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
— PASSWORD: sweetdoors —
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week, they’re amazing!
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish called the brave and hopeful yes…

this was a big week of yes to my yes
and no to everything else
gathering intel, asking hard questions, brewing up plans
and throwing an afterparty
a beautiful wish and I am so glad I asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

(and if you like, make up other good things M-T could stand for!)

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 394th week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Costume changes. Naming superpowers. A really good cover story.

Next time I might…

Come up with a fun back-up option, one that is so fun that I actually am kind of excited when the first thing falls through.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of brave and hopeful yes, and here were the days:

Radiance. A brave and hopeful yes. A much needed sea change. Yes Just Is. Big magic. Take pleasure. Fierce Glow.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

I Did What I Came Here To Do, Time To Rest.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. I am tired and I want to retire. A breath for this.
2. Right ankle still talking. A breath for trusting the ground.
3. Somehow it already feels like months since the beautiful boy left and I miss his hand curled in my hair. A breath for time.
4. Missed buses that were not my bus, both literal and figurative. A breath for trust, trust and more trust.
5. Moving out is hard and slow and weird and uncomfortable. A breath for my new home, may we find each other soon.
6. A year away from forty, I’m finally getting hit with that “biological clock” bullshit that people have been telling me about for years, but it’s nothing like what they described. It’s not that my body wants a baby, I still have zero interest in giving birth or the things that follow that, that all still sounds like the worst thing ever. Nope, my body wants sex, and it wants it now and a thousand times a day, it’s the only thing I can think about. And “want” is the wrong word. Wanting is fun. This is not fun. And now I’m ovulating, so it’s even worse. I am seriously attracted to the most unbelievably unlikely people (points for diplomatic phrasing!), at all times, in all circumstances, regardless of gender or how much nose hair they have or even if I actively dislike them. I don’t really know what to compare it to so I’m going to say it’s kind of like being a sixteen year old boy who’s had a few drinks, and is like, “yeahhhhhhhhh I’d go for some of that” about anyone. It’s the worst, and the person I actually want to unleash this on is in stupid Utah. Anyway, tune in next time to find out if I solved this by sequestering myself (REMAIN INDOORS!) and giving up all hobbies other than orgasms, or if I make some Regrettable Life Choices. Can I just say as well that while it pisses me off to no end that my brain and focus have been hijacked by biology, it pisses me off even more that no one ever talks about this phenomenon, and I am here to tell you that it is in fact a thing, and that I have entirely lost both my good judgment and peace of mind, and I am not happy about it. A breath for how ridiculous this is, and for undoing the rigging in popular culture.
7. Everything in my life is reconfiguring right now, and this is probably-definitely all good, and I’m noticing that I’m a little impatient to see how it all is going to land. In the meantime, waiting on intel, from a number of sources. And waiting for my own yes. And not sure what to do about the Queen of The Doves, and need to keep getting quiet and turning inward until I get an answer on that too. A breath for trust in right timing, and remembering that All Is Well.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. I pulled through the Days of Fatigue. And while normally I revel in napping, I am delighted that this week I did not require any naps, nor did I pass out in the early evening. This is marvelous. A breath of appreciation for passage through.
2. I bravely said my hopeful yes to things I want, and I want to remember what a beautiful thing that is, whether I get them or not. There is so much power in this vulnerable honesty and permission to want. A breath for me.
3. My ankle got a little better each day, and I was actually able to dance Thursday and Friday, which was just big joy. A breath for healing, and for Now Is Not Then (remember two years ago when I was out of commission for months with my ankle, and last year when the same thing happened with my knee?). What a great experience to enjoy speedy healing. A breath of appreciation and thankfulness.
4. Dance compliments, from very-beginning beginners (“Ohmygod you actually follow what I do and it feels so amazing!”) and more advanced dancers (“You let me get away with ANYTHING and then make me look good doing it, you are a dream to dance with!”) and very advanced dancers, with whom nothing needs to be said, just a shared sigh-smile of yes, that was incredible. Feeling big delight about this, especially as I had been down in the dumps about not training because of my ankle. And such a sweet intense dance to this song. A breath for the magic that is connection, music, and the indescribable language that is dance.
5. The sidewalk is fixed. A lovely tuliptree has been planted next to where the maple was. I dispatched an entire platoon of iguanas (projects that scare me) with the help of the Iguana Liberation Front, an organization I invented. Someone finally took the couch. Things are happening and moving, and it is so very good. A breath of love.
6. Each night I plant superpowers for tomorrow-me and then watch them come into themselves, it is kind of miraculous. A breath for creative play.
7. Companionship and community. Wise friends. Processing my yeses and not-yet-yeses with the loving creative people at my Secret Sword Society. A breath of deep gratitude.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of longer days, popcorn on the stove, new boots arrived (I ordered them in November, but, you know, slow fashion) and they are luscious and wild and everything I wanted. Smiles with Marjorie. Secret Rally day with Marisa. Getting stuff done. The far-away boy texts me about kissing my ankle to make it better, and I get all melty. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Took steps this week on the Wild Wild Nest, the Studio Op, Wild Montage, and The Fountaining. Incremental movement and much percolating on The Namer Names and A Beautiful Inventory. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Easily Releasing, Of Course I Live In A Wishing Hotel, and I Trust In My Wild Good Fortune, and I received all of this IN SPADES.

I also wanted Let’s Get Serious About Joy, and A Parade For How Great I Am, Yes, A Parade! So let’s re-seed those because they seem important.

Powers I want.

I want the powers of Fierce Glow, I Fill Up On Glorious Appreciation, At Home In Myself, and Perfect Simple Solutions Land.

The Salve of Fierce Glow

I draw a honeycomb hexagon on the palm of my hand with a finger, and then words:

Striking / Wild / Sexy
Fearless / Tough / Powerful

This alluring luminous salve goes deep and returns you to your forgotten power, it transcends rules. With this salve, you can once again access your own wells.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Tenth Rite Yowl

Their latest album is This Letter How Tiny, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

alligators, unimpressed

deep inside my dream I was involved in a
a complicated baseball game
that included alligators
I was the catcher
and if you know me at all, you know that’s about as unlikely
as alligators playing baseball

I made a spectacular catch
— no glove! left-handed! from an armchair! —
and no one was impressed
dream-me was very sad

parade, please

I want a parade to celebrate me!
and I have to be the one to give myself the parade
this is important
and also frustrating

important

it’s important because I always want to remember
how appreciation is a quality of the divine
it comes from SOURCE, not from people,
and source lives within me, is transported in me,
which means I can always access appreciation when needed

and sure, yes, sometimes other people will be the
delivery system for [gifts of source]

but people are people and source is source

and let us not confuse these
let us not go through life believing that a specific person is our source of love
everything ends and people exit,
and it is a great and tragic distortion to go through life believing that
once a person is gone, we no longer get to have
whatever beautiful things that person used to deliver by way of source

appreciation is mine because it just is
I can glow it outward or inward
trusting in the delivery systems to deliver
trusting in my own ability to be the delivery system

and

sometimes it scares me, the intensity of this need-craving-desire
to be appreciated
I see and hear you, monsters in the form of
“ugh just grow up already and
stop needing everyone to like everything you do”
and also other impatient monster-like voices that say,
“why do you squander your time and talent on weekly wishes,
go write for a larger platform where more people will read
and appreciate your words, and oh right, you’d actually get paid”

but that form is not my yes
my yes is to be free to follow my desire
my yes is to fill my pockets with freedom
and write exactly what I want to write, and when and how I want to write it,
and to glow appreciation for myself and for life
out into the world
filling up my world

and I wish because wishing is ritual
and because this is where I want to be

and if all that means that sometimes I have to
throw myself a parade
then so be it, here’s to all the superpowers of self-proclaimed parades
here’s to the treasures that emerge from getting
raw and honest with my wanting

what is the bridge between freedom and sanctuary

I have learned a lot about my yes during the year of yes
and now I am learning about doors in the year of doors

now, as I prepare to exit
the home where I’ve lived the past seven years
with no idea of what’s next
my biggest yes is knowing-and-remembering that I have
plentiful resources, really good options, and
— this is the most important thing —
a beautiful safe cozy nest that I love

I want to listen to the wise voices in and around me
not the monsters
not the dismissive alligators
not petrified me who believes that now is then
I want to listen to the ones who really know me deeply

okay, I can listen

the far-away boy: I thought your catch was the highlight of the game!
my former housemate: and alligators can’t even sit in armchairs, so they should really be impressed by the whole package…

incoming me: FILL YOUR POCKETS WITH FREEDOM, my love
say yes to what you want
your yes is the bridge between Freedom and Sanctuary,
it is sanctuary that will allow you to be free, and guess what,
EVEN IF you say yes to your yes and
for whatever reason it doesn’t say yes back to you,
saying yes to your yes is still a win
a win for you and it’s a win for the world,
I’m absolutely serious about this,
because saying your yes is challenging the rigging,
and if you say yes to wanting what you want,
you are also saying yes to the idea of this,
to having Freedom + Sanctuary in the same space at the same time,
which means you will get it in some form even if not in this form,
not to mention all all the bravery points for saying it, so yes, go ahead and speak your
brave and hopeful yes

thanking myself

I have been practicing appreciation by saying thank you before bed
thank you, that is, to me of the day-that-was

thank you for being so calm and steady
during the messy attempted-leg-shaving-while-tired debacle
thank you for responding with attentiveness and reassurance and presence
thank you for keeping All Salve next to the bed
thank you for checking the list of What Helps When We’re Petrified
thank you for trusting the nap
thank you for asking Lucky Honey to take the front of the V
thank you for helping me remember to pause for RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water)
thank you for helping me get clear on my yes
thank you for being receptive to many possible good solutions and not fixating
thank you for bringing me back to my thank-you heart
thank you for doing your best, today-me, you are treasure and I appreciate you!

and naming superpowers

Here are the superpowers I want right now:

I am Wildly Unfazed
I can totally handle this
Everything is working out perfectly no matter how it looks to me from the outside or how my monsters and scared selves want to read the situation
Oh, what Fantastic Unexpected Luckiness
There’s always money (and whatever else I need) in the banana stand
I now have plentiful resources for what I want
(and a beautiful safe cozy nest that I love)
Solid guidance from wise, calm, capable incoming me
I am so loved
I live by my BRAVE AND HOPEFUL YES!

and more

let’s take deep breaths of superpowers
let’s shout them from the rooftops of our mind
let’s be the source of remembering source
let’s circulate them in spirals, like a hula hoop or an unnamed reverberating bell

this calls for ALL CAPS!

THE SUPERPOWERS OF I SAY MY YES
THE SUPERPOWERS OF MY YES IS RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVE
THE SUPERPOWERS OF THIS IS RIGHT AND THIS MOMENT IS RIGHT
THE SUPERPOWERS OF MY YES HAS ROOTS and MY YES HAS WINGS
THE SUPERPOWERS OF I AM OF THE EARTH
THE SUPERPOWERS OF GETTING SERIOUS ABOUT JOY
THE SUPERPOWERS OF CROSSING THROUGH
THE SUPERPOWERS OF THIS IS MY DOOR AND IT IS A BEAUTIFUL ONE
THE SUPERPOWERS OF ECHOING & REVERBERATING
THE SUPERPOWERS OF FILLING MY POCKETS WITH FREEDOM
THE SUPERPOWERS OF RECEPTIVE TO MANY POSSIBLE GOOD SOLUTIONS
THE SUPERPOWERS OF INTO THE GARDEN WHERE THE MANY POSSIBLE GOOD SOLUTIONS LIVE
THE SUPERPOWERS OF THE MYSTIC FANTASTIC FORTRESS COMES TO MEET ME AT HAPPY HOUR
THE SUPERPOWERS OF AND YES THE HAPPIEST HOUR IS NOW

trust trust trust, seed and release.

this is really what my wish is about
allowing myself to want what I want
to hear my brave and hopeful yes
without being attached to the way I think I’m supposed to receive it

the brave and hopeful yes
is the yes of listening, asking, desiring, releasing,
trust trust trust, seed and release

my brave and hopeful yes is a red balloon of releasing

what do I know about my wish this week

it’s about freedom-meets-sanctuary, ease-filled transition, a dose of magic,
and being very honest with myself
even when this means interacting with monsters and seeing aspects of myself
that I didn’t want to see
or noticing that I’ve forgotten again that source is source
and that the answer (as always) is getting quiet and going deep inside myself
to the place from which ALIVENESS sparks

let me speak my brave and hopeful yes
let me whisper it in the heart-garden
under the stars

let there always be people I like to play with,
the kind who can admire a spectacular catch,
and who can reflect my own incoming abilities to appreciate and be appreciated

let there be a beautiful safe haven for me to land in
a place I will love and cherish
that will love and cherish me
may we find each other soon, with the greatest of ease, and say yes yes yes yes

now

my kitchen is now empty but for one cabinet
I have to remind myself approximately 19,000 times a day that
Now Is Not Then
I write the word TRUST on my forehead with a fingertip
and kiss the palms of my hands and press them to my cheeks

the days are getting longer and I love this
thinking about tu b’shvat, the birthday of the trees
and I can feel this new spring coming
soon we plant a new tree where the wild winds uprooted the old one
everything is being seeded

superpower of safety first

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of FREDOM, and february is the door of SANCTUARY, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of safety first

I want to live by safety first
and I want to be a grand adventurer
and I want to see no contradiction between the two
my cozy nest of a home-base allows me to set forth on wild adventures,
internal and external,
trusting my sails and my beautiful anchor

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish called set free and be set free…

this was a big week of letting go, and not always easy
but I crossed the bridge from terror into lit up with giddy excitement
about my brave and hopeful yes
and it was quite the passage
so I am glad to have asked for this

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 393rd week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Giving my monsters a stopwatch and making a deal….

Monsters estimated that Doing The Base Level Things (bringing up laundry, making up the bed, folding all the clothes, doing dishes) should only take 15-20 minutes if I’m “focused”, and that it’s my fault everything takes longer, because I stop to text people or look at instagram or stare at the walls.

So I suggested an experiment.

I promised to be super focused and let them hold the stopwatch, if they promised not to criticize me or rush me or intervene in any way which could disrupt the integrity of the experiment. We invited the Internal Scientists to document the process.

It took EXACTLY fifty eight minutes.

I was focused and undistracted, no pausing, no resting, no bathroom break. I just did the things and that was the amount of time.

While my monsters still maintain that this is an absurd amount of time, they saw how dedicated I was to the mission and they know I wasn’t “wasting” any time, because they watched. They are amazed amazed amazed, it is awesome.

Naps.

I have known for a long time that a nap is an excellent portal/bridge to all kinds of good healing, but sometimes I don’t want to do it because in [certain situations] going back to bed gets read in my mind as defeat, and I was dealing with a lot of Now Reminds Me Of Then this week.

But choosing bed worked really well for me, when I let myself. And when I didn’t let myself, my body declared a state of emergency and took me there anyway.

Next time I might…

Ask for help sooner.

Yes. I know.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of set free and be set free, and here were the days:

Mysteriously Amazing. I Wow Myself. Be a bell. Second chances. Surprise extra ease. Jewel heart. Recharge.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Nothing Is Wrong, Things Are Just Rearranging In Space.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. This week in Mysterious Inexplicable Injuries, my right ankle got badly bruised (but how?) and stopped working. Painful, scary and not fun, even if I weren’t a dancer, but yes, this is worse. A breath for my ankle, and for trusting the ground.
2. It was goodbye again when the beautiful boy left town, which I knew was coming and somehow thought I could handle it this time and that I’d be fine, and hahahaha that’s hilarious. I miss him. A breath for me.
3. Oh, hello, FATIGUE, back so soon? Here to knock me off my feet again, huh. Or maybe there’s another reason you’re here. Did you forget something? Or maybe I forgot something, I forgot how big you and how deep you go, I must have thought I exaggerated your effects in my mind. But no, you just are how you are. I know a lot about depletion, which is useful, and at least this is not unfamiliar territory, it just bumps up the challenge level of everything else. A breath for zero, and for empty also being the place of resetting.
4. Not only is replacing the sidewalk expensive as hell, it’s also extremely noisy, and this was the week of migraines and banging sounds and I had to be out of the house, which was very stressful as I was halfway to passing out from exhaustion. A breath for moving through states of upheaval, and, again, for remembering that now is not then.
5. Everything I said last week still goes: Wiped-out from all current projects. Emptying the house is big work. Figuring out what’s next is big work. Writing projects are big work. Friends are AWOL. A breath for rest, and for Safety First.
6. Overwhelmed and panicked about What Is Next, and the unexpected visits to Spain (this is the code name a friend uses for Severe Pain). A breath for here-now, taking care of myself to the best of my ability, trusting Wise Me who says that this is all normal and understandable given the circumstances and it will pass soon.
7. In between. Let’s have a breath.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Big love and sweetness. I am in fact better at these goodbyes. And better at trusting. A breath for taking care of myself, and treasuring myself.
2. Month of Sanctuary, yes yes yes, such good timing and so much intel about this. A breath for receiving what is needed.
3. Big moments of trust. A breath for seeing clearly, and remembering that Now Is Not Then.
4. I have a yes I’m really excited about. Not entirely sure how to make it happen but it’s just so exciting to know what I want, and know that it’s possible. A breath for sweet clarity.
5. My wise body has a lot to say, and I have been training myself in listening. And the people in my life support me in listening. “Recharge those batteries, sweet girl”, texts the faraway boy. “Take all the time and sleep you need, I wish you deep restoration”, says Agent Annabelle. “Good for you, I’m sure you needed that”, says my now former housemate when he learns that I’ve spent the week in bed instead of getting the house ready to rent. A breath for practice, and for remembering how much I am loved.
6. Moving when and how I can. I mean this both in terms of dance training, and also with my ankle. Oh, and an absolutely dreamy luscious blues dance to this song, sometimes dance is just HEAVEN. A breath for panther powers and slow motion montage.
7. Joy in emptying, joy in change (even when scary, also welcome), joy in letting go, joy in holding close, joy in swaying in the dark, joy in taking pleasure, joy in newness, joy in knowing-and-remembering that This Moment Is Right.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of longer days, stars, candles, naps every day, former housemate coming by to make me dinner, writing, talking to Incoming Me, friends showing up to help peel me off the floor. My uncle came for the weekend and we had delicious Ethiopian food with my favorite cousin. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Had an epiphany this week about the Wild Wild Nest. Incremental movement and much percolating on The Namer Names, Wild Montage, The Studio Op, and the Fountaining op. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Beautifully Clear, and I received this. I also had the power of the right background music.

Powers I want.

I will re-seed the wishes for the powers of Easily Releasing, Of Course I Live In A Wishing Hotel, and I Trust In My Wild Good Fortune. And I want the powers of Let’s Get Serious About Joy, and also A Parade For How Great I Am, Yes, A Parade!

The Salve of Let’s Get Serious About Joy

This salve, despite its name, does not feel serious at all. It is wonderfully light and bubbly, and when I put it on, it reminds me that my delight is vital and important, and instead of getting all monster-ey about why have I been neglecting my delight, I just delight in giving myself delight.

This salve is made of JOY, and also contains Permission, Sweetness, Pleasure, Wonder, Deepening, Power, Appreciation, Play and Presence.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Borderline Daisy

Their latest album is Just In The Knock Of Time, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!