What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
chicken follows the chart
Hello, Friday: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 375th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Recognizing a voice
I was so tired, disoriented, cranky, and I wanted to tell someone I care about to go away and not come back, and before I did, I suddenly recognized the voice.
It wasn’t me who wanted to say that. It was 26-year-old me. It was exactly her words and her tone and her mood.
So I went to the bathroom, and talked with her. I told her how much I love and appreciate her, how much I admire her boldness and her fearless unwillingness to compromise what she believes in.
I also told her about how Now Is Not Then: we don’t need to lash out to protect ourselves anymore. And I pointed out that the main reason we were often harsh and reactive then was all those years working nights and not sleeping until morning. And she understood that this is what was happening now, and that she didn’t need to get involved here, and went to a safe room to sleep it off.
Next time I might…
Use the Flow Chart of Spaciousness, of course.
Well, use it sooner, at least. Once I remembered it, everything got better.
Who here has been reading (or poking around in the archives) long enough to remember The Flow Chart Of Spaciousness? It’s nearly six years old!
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Maybe Don’t Respond To Anything Until You’ve Caught Up On Sleep: The Havi Brooks Story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My dance crisis (which is getting boring) is still a thing, or on and off a thing. A breath for figuring out a new relationship to this so that I can enjoy the parts I love, and steer clear of the aspects of dance culture which don’t support me.
- No matter how tangled up I get, dance is still pretty much always in the top five things I want to be doing, while for the beautiful boy who’s been in ongoing work crisis, dance has come in at maybe seventeen on his list. He’s been focused on just getting through the day. Suddenly last weekend, after a couple months of dance not being on his radar, it mysteriously and unexpectedly — from where I stood — got bumped up to number one for him! Which sounds great, except number one takes precedence over sleeping, eating, sex, closeness and connecting. I really wanted all those other things. Like, really, really, really a lot. And they weren’t on his list. And it sucked. A breath.
- Something shifted for me, and all of my superpowers got way more intense this week, which is cool except it also means that all my already highly-heightened sensitivities are through the roof, so I’m going through the growing pains of that. Trying to navigate with these new skills, and without thinking that the blessing is the curse. Things I used to be able to do out in the world (bus, supermarket) as long as I came prepared with presence, a strong forcefield and an escape plan, are not really doable now. That needs to change. Or I need to find a new way to do things. A breath of compassion for me who is struggling, and a breath of thank-you for the gifts of growth, may I see them and smile.
- One late night of dancing knocked me out for most of the week, and I had trouble receiving/revealing my decisions until I followed protocol. A breath for following the protocol.
- The two things my lover and I don’t have in common with regards to how we live have shifted from “haha it’s fascinating how we’re so completely different in these two very particular ways” to “okay, this is actually not healthy or sustainable unless something changes”. Sure, it was kind of sexy being a passionate firefighter having a hot affair with a good-looking pyromaniac, but now I’ve been promoted to station chief and he’s gone full-scale all-out arsonist, and this is a very inexact metaphor but the point stands. A breath for us and the big love in our hearts.
- My mother’s yahrzeit was this week, and that was a sad and not-easy day. A breath.
- I’m not sure how much of this is Portland changing (very quickly) and how much is me changing (similar pace). It seems the number of people exhibiting erratic behavior has increased tenfold this year. Lots of unpleasant incidents, to the point that it’s no longer appealing to me to do many things I used to find pleasurable. Things are what they are, and exit signs aren’t bad. A breath for this, and for me.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Friday night dancing (until 4:30am!) was fun and creative and playful, and did a lot to restore my confidence and joy, and it was so sweet to dance with the beautiful boy again and smile that joyful smile we have while dancing. A breath for play and delight, and being at home in my body.
- Someone I care about is making real changes and wearing their crown again, and this fills me with gladness for them. Yay! A breath for hope.
- When my plans for where I’m going to be living come January fell apart, I didn’t freak out and homeless-me didn’t surface, and then the new (and much better) plans revealed themselves almost immediately. A breath for the magic of this.
- Operation Honey Sweet! I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to start a project. A breath for bubbling enthusiasm, and how good and right it feels.
- I had ten thousand (approximately) wild epiphanies this week, as well as hugely helpful counseling from Incoming Me. A breath of yes and thank you.
- Deep intense sweetness with my lover prevailed this week, despite all the challenges of the weekend. We spent Sunday night and Wednesday night together, and even with his seemingly unending work crisis, we still found time for deep joy and presence. A breath for closeness, adoration, pleasure, dozing on his chest seconds after closing my eyes, like the most contented kitten.
- I feel vibrantly hopeful (as opposed to frustrated/scared) about everything right now, including things that aren’t working in various parts of my life. I know what I want, I know what works for me and what doesn’t, I’m not afraid. So that’s a beautiful miracle, and I’ll take it. A breath for all the work that got me here.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Everything is okay. My sweetly humming home. Cold dates (the fruit) with freshly ground peanut butter. Hot dates with myself. Tea in the best mug. A terrific dance lesson that put a giant smile on my face. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Operations completed!
Forward movement on many ops this week, including Operation A Sweet Fountaining, Operation Shed Shed Shed, and some more exploration into parachute play. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
The superpower of cherishing myself, which is no small thing. I will take some more of that.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of Not Stealing My Own Joy: ACTIVATE!
The Salve of Not Stealing My Own Joy
If we are to believe the internet, Theodore Roosevelt said that comparison is the thief of joy, and Mark Twain said comparison is the death of joy, and the sufis say that comparison is the devil, and either way, there are endless ways we can inflict self-harm through trying to measure up to someone else instead of being present with our hearts-wants-feelings-breath and everything we are in this moment now.
This salve sneakily reverses debilitating comparison tendencies like so:
First, it fills you with the most sweet, steady calm, as if you had nothing that needed doing but gaze contentedly at sunbeams dancing on the water, or enjoy a spectacular rainbow from a cozy hammock.
The phrase “I Don’t Steal My Own Joy!” pops into your head, and suddenly ALL YOUR JOY IS RESTORED.
Any joy you’ve given away by accident — for example, I give mine away a lot while watching tiny petite advanced dancers who are twenty years younger than me and have ballet training — comes flowing back to you, clean and clear, ready to be distributed to wherever you need the most pleasure.
This is a secret sovereignty salve, and a secret gratitude salve, and everyone around you can feel it, because the joy that is yours that returns to you is the most special thing in the world.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from my lover, and also could be the title of his memoir:
Prone To Ridiculous Complications
Their latest album is It’s Probably A Curse, and, of course, it’s just one guy.
Quick announcements!
While clearing out the house, I discovered a hidden stash of the gorgeous Stone Skipping cards! $22 for an extremely magical deck of cards plus shipping, or for $30 (plus shipping) we’ll add a cheery red Playground mug, since I found some more of those too! Tell the First Mate if you’re interested.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
delicious space
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 325th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
delicious space!
I found this tantalizing combination of words in a book about dance imagery, by Eric Franklin, is that not a gem of a phrase?
you imagine and feel, as you come up into relevé, you feel-imagine
that the space above you is delicious
you feel happy-peaceful-sweet-steady-powerful in this delicious space
of course you do: it’s delicious
whisper it
taste the way the s and the s slide-collide into each other and
then how the e at the end empties and echoes into endlessness
delicious space
what a luscious word-cluster
I want my space — my space — to feel delicious
the space inside my head and inside my heart
my bedroom and kitchen and the space of my life
a lot of times it doesn’t
too many conversations in my head, endless stew-stirring,
I forget that this doesn’t feed me, and it doesn’t support deliciousness
I forget to make loving containers-of-spaciousness for myself
and it is well known that I put up with things that are uncomfortable,
or barely-comfortable
and don’t want to let them go
what if [delicious space] is so much more than the space above my head
as I release and go deeper into Congruencing: DELICIOUS SPACE
as I breathe eight breaths in eight directions, forming a compass of qualities around me, suddenly the space around me is a force field of DELICIOUS SPACE
turning inward to listen to the quiet steady pulse of life, I am in DELICIOUS SPACE
gently blowing dust off of my copper bowl, my pelvic bowl, I feel how it wants to become DELICIOUS SPACE
when I tune into to my wishes and to sweet desire, each week, in this practice/ritual that both pulls me and terrifies me, because it reveals so much, I come here, into DELICIOUS SPACE
wise words about delicious space from Marie Kondo:
- “the best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don’t”
- “if you [thank your house] repeatedly, you will start to feel your house respond when you come home, you will sense its pleasure passing through like a gentle breeze”
- “things that are cherished shine”
- “tidying is not the purpose of life”
- “transform your closet into your own private space, one that gives you a thrill of pleasure”
delicious space actually hums
I can’t remember if Marie said this in words or if it’s just something I know so well that I imagine she agrees with me:
space that is loved and charged up with qualities starts to hum
for five years I [verb]ed the most astonishing retreat center called The Playground
where we practiced self-fluency and everything we play with here
and anyone who was there can tell you:
that space was charged up with magic
and it hummed
for the longest time
I wished my own space would do that, and now it does
my bedroom purrs like the most contented kitten
what else do I know about delicious space?
- bold-me lives in delicious space, the me who is not afraid to glow
- space is extra-delicious inside of a round house
- space is extra-delicious when it is approached with intention
what else?
spaces as in pauses, or red lights, waiting for a cup to fill
space between toes, walking the beach, warm sand
space between breaths, the kumbaka moment of effortless blank mind
the in-between spaces
like on a swing
it takes you up and up, to that moment of suspended in delicious space
before the pendulum motion pulls you back in the other direction
that’s the sexy -and-a- that comes before count 1 in swing dance,
the sweet gasp in waltz between the 3 and the 4
moments heavy with pent-up anticipation, potential-before-kinetic,
the tingling electric almost
or calm like the eye of the storm
chaos everywhere and yet, my space is delicious
delicious and beautifully still
what am I avoiding talking about here?
of course, my uncomfortable realization about Supportive Environments
so many things I do, relationships, or frameworks I have agreed to
are not actually as supportive as I thought
it’s more like, aspects are supportive,
or these structures support me in SOME ways but not in all ways
what I want is True Yes environments that are just supportive, period
like my Playground used to be
none of the forms in my life are as supportive as I wish them to be,
how did that happen
what’s the solution?
- turn inward, get quiet and listen
- understand that I need to make this a priority, insist on supportive environments
- take exquisite care of myself, follow the protocol
or as I said the other day, somewhere, my answer to everything is: [say no, pizza, sex]
BOUNDARIES, SUSTENANCE, PLEASURE… these make everything better
a sign in a shop window: help wanted — inquire within
this struck me as the wisest advice imaginable, I wish to choose this all the time, and then, conveniently, I saw an advertisement for premium gasoline which counseled, Choose It All The Time
I want to choose Inquire Inside all the time, whenever I want help
I want to choose Delicious Space all the time, in all things
nothing like a sign when you need one
my beloved friend Colleen the Sign Maker is a great appreciator of signs
so I texted her this one, and she lettered it beautifully, with bonus punctuation
anything else that needs to be revealed?
yes, this is about giving myself spaciousness and not rushing or agreeing to be rushed
I have a [secret mysterious project] with a very tight timeline, which does not feel like delicious space, so I need to make this clear to the other people involved
(noticing frustration because I think I have done this, and it hasn’t registered)
breathing spaciousness and trust
I want the delicious space inside of me to support delicious space outside of me, and I want the space around me to be so delicious that it supports my ability to get quiet and go inside
now
I am in bed — surprise! — speaking of space that is delicious
my view from the window: lush green leaves and rain
delicious space is external and internal
and both require fearless intentional choosing, how fortunate that this is the superpower of the month
superpower of fearless intentional choosing.
now I am ready to stand in my strength more, as september (on the Fluent Self calendar) brings fearless intentional choosing
I am weaving this superpower into this week’s wish:
fearlessly delicious space, intentionally choosing deliciousness / deliciously choosing fearlessness, deliciously intentional space choices
last week’s wishes
aka edge recovery…
oh yes, I am recovering, and also recovering my edges-and-edginess
there are new boundaries in my future as well as sexy-angry boots to wear when I am ready to acquire them, and I feel very glowy about both of these
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here (and the new icon!),
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken questions everything
Hello, Friday: we are here
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week
This is the 374th week in a row we are chickening here together: pretty great!
What worked this week?
Getting off the bus!
These moments when I am in close proximity to someone with erratic energy exhibiting unpredictable behavior…
I suddenly became aware of just how much tension this introduces in my internal and immediately external space.
And so, in the interest of I Choose Supportive Environments For Me, I started removing myself from these situations: ring the bell and exit.
There was extra treasure in this too — I got to enjoy surprise breakfast at a favorite cafe that I don’t visit because I’m never in that neighborhood, and when I was done, there was a new calm-and-quiet bus pulling up and I didn’t even have to wait.
But also I realized there are other places/situations/relationships in my life that are like that bus, and what is indicated is ringing a bell and saying, “this is where I exit”.
Next time I might…
Remember that Congruencing is hard work.
Of course I do remember this, it’s why I put off doing it. What happens is, I forget why Congruencing is so challenging:
The more you congruence, the more you see all the things that are incongruent or have been neglected in your kingdom. And you think, how did my ENTIRE LIFE become such an incongruent disharmonious unsovereign nightmare?!
So I want to remember that this is a normal part of the process, and also remember that as I make small and bigger changes, new harmonious energy comes in and starts whooshing away things that need whooshing, and everything starts to feel better and hopeful, and this is good.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Talking directly to mercy: The Havi Brooks Story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So much big change going on for me right now, everything in the air, and thinking about leaving my home (even for a new and better one) is very overwhelming. A breath for pause to fill up on spaciousness and ease, and remembering that I can do this.
- Having a crisis about dance, and running into walls (not literally, I am getting way better at floorcraft!), and endless monstering about do I even want to do this and maybe I should just quit. A confusing hard-to-understand lesson which had me in tears was also negative and heavy on criticism, which reinforced the crisis. Wednesday’s dance was not fun either, and this chipped away at my desire to play. A breath for more thinking about buses I want to get off of, and remembering that dance isn’t the problem-bus. This is about learning to insist on supportive healthy environments for a sensitive Havi.
- I have been exploring the theme of “how can I feel more generous” in [situation], and it wasn’t easy this weekend. A breath of compassion for me.
- Body still wiped out, chronic pain is back. A breath for extreme self-care.
- The guy who thought it was okay to yell the most vitriolic, obscenity-filled hate at me, because I didn’t respond to his “hey”, since I don’t actually perceive an obligation to respond to the twenty men who “hey” me each day. A breath for the tired anger I feel about the inherent injustice built into this life, that this is just the reality of being a woman walking down the street.
- Questioning everything. A breath for trust, and for beautiful reconfigurations that benefit all.
- Wishing something was not the way it is, even though that’s exactly how it is, and it isn’t likely to change. A breath for this, and for me.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I went to Waltz Brunch to dance with the magical park dancers, and had the most marvelous time, which did so much to ease the sting of both the monsters and the confidence-destroying lesson. I remembered how much I love to dance, and how many people feel genuine joy about dancing with me. I am creative and steady, I flow and play. A breath for my glad heart!
- I took the waltz lesson as a lead, and finally figured out how to lead a move that has been mystifying me. Leading is so fun, and allows me to ask twice as many people to dance. Received many compliments about my leading, both from brand-new dancers and very experienced ones. A breath for being a badass.
- My lover returned from their (now several weeks) sojourn in Utah and Texas, and it feels so good to have closeness and breath and to fall asleep smiling with my head on their chest. A breath for these moments, and cherishing them.
- I have been doing TRE (tension releasing exercises) every day since August 11, and I am mysteriously, wondrously steady and peaceful all the time, even when it comes to things that would normally shake me up a lot. A breath of thank you, to my body and the practice.
- This wild adventure of Shmita is so very intense, and I am constantly amazed at what is emerging from having given myself this very scary gift. A breath for wise me who trusted.
- A Rally friend was in town, and we met for delicious food and drinks, and made wishes and talked about nooks, and it was sweet and perfect and just what I needed. A breath for appreciation and joy.
- My home is becoming more and more a place that feels like me. A breath for cherishing my space, a superpower I’ve been working on for many, many years.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Operations completed!
Forward movement on many ops this week, including Operation Turn It Around, Initial Parachute Explorations, and The Entry Libretti, thank you, fractal flowers
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
The superpower of using anagrams to solve everything, and the power of not needing to respond.
Powers I want.
Steady Trust Always!
Related to that: last week I seeded feeling the steady pulse of life inside of me, living from that, from joyful Aliveness, and I want so much more of this please.
The Salve of I Choose Supportive Environments For Myself
This salve is a mindset/belief salve, because of course, sometimes we are just in environments where we have very little say in their structure, aesthetic or anything else, and all we can change is our internal space.
It works wonders though, inside and out.
The first thing it does is quiet your breath, then your thoughts, and then you know:
You know what is working. You know what small adjustments can be made on your end. You turn inward and listen, to your breath, your bones, the hidden wise whispers…
Your internal space becomes both lighter and steadier. You now have the superpower of seeing flowers everywhere. Spaces/situations/people begin quietly adjusting themselves to your new way.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band came from a conversation with Chloe:
The Sesame Seed Crisis
Their latest album is Down With Boxes, and, of course, it’s just one guy.
Quick announcements!
- I was not exaggerating when I referenced the 18,567 comments in the spam folder! So I am declaring SPAMNESTY and shall delete all next week. If you’ve left a comment that didn’t show up, we didn’t censor it! We pretty much never delete things, unless someone is being a jerk. Send a quick note and give us the email you might have used and any other intel that will help do Search & Rescue for your comment, and we’ll do our best!
- While clearing out the house, I discovered a hidden stash of the gorgeous Stone Skipping cards! $22 for an extremely magical deck of cards plus shipping, or for $30 (plus shipping) we’ll add a cheery red Playground mug, since I found some more of those too! Tell the First Mate if you’re interested.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
edge recovery
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 324th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
I want to think about edge recovery
and this is a related wish
to all the other wishes but
also its own wish
another luscious double meaning, of course
because of how much I love to say everything twice
(and mean different things simultaneously)
edge recovery is getting my edges back
get your groove back,
is what I said to someone (in my head)
someone I admire who has wandered so far from hers as to be almost unrecognizable
where is that sexy wise slightly-dangerous self-aware radiant shining
troublemaker I wanted to grow up to be
she was my always-beacon for that
but it’s also what I am saying to me
because I need to be my own beacon now
it’s time
time to recover my lost edge and edges
edges and edginess and boldness, recommitting
to boldly glow where I have not glowed before
to rekindle, blow on embers
and remember the superpower of I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone
I think I have drifted away from the me who unapologetically shines,
and I want that again
and edge recovery is also…
recovering from having been at the edge
at (and on) my edges and metaphorical ledges
times of too much doing and not enough being,
times of running away, and hurting in deserts
this used to happen to me a lot more, actually
when I read old posts, it seems like past-me was constantly surprised
both at being wiped out
and having to make peace with that
now I don’t resist the call of bed
that’s just how things are
being an empath and probably half-unicorn or at least on the unicorn spectrum
and a very highly sensitive person who is also high sensation-seeking
and being someone who is releasing old trauma
the world is too loud for me and people’s energy is deafening
and I get overwhelmed and disconnected from myself and need
to hide (a lot)
until everything gets quiet in me and around me again
this no longer frustrates me
I just do it
and, to be honest, I think I’ve started to like it
edge recovery for me
is about knowing where mine are
and taking exquisite care of myself
applying the protocol, with love
until I am back in my thank-you heart
what else do I know about edge recovery?
these two types of edge recovery are related, not separate
and definitely not at odds
even if it might sound like they are
I am able to be edgy, bold and wild because
of how I cherish and care for myself, and
this work I am doing to love all of me
including the most vulnerable scared and shaky parts
and I am able to deeply rest
because I am not neglecting my wild self who needs
to be free and express all that needs expression
what is this reminding me of
last week I wished:
I radiate presence, inhabit my life
TAKING UP SPACE UNAPOLOGETICALLY
ah yes, that to me is the essence of edge recovery
what else?
Eve Wild (incoming me) has reached FED UP levels
of being fed up with things
she wants me to go back to brisk morning walks
the way we used to back in tel aviv also during a time of
releasing everything
no more hiding behind Safe Boring Pretty
no more contorting and no more accommodating, and
no more putting up with things that are uncomfortable
and also no more putting up with things that are not-uncomfortable
if that’s the best I can say about them
what is next?
practicing both forms of edge recovery at once
getting back to glowing edgy me
by taking care of worn out and hurting me
taking care of worn out and hurting me
by glowing my glow and my edginess
showing her that I am here
ALL OF ME
taking up space and not apologizing for it
asking for what I need
while also turning inward and giving it to myself
anything else that needs to be revealed in this wish?
this edginess that I am in the process of recovering
is actually new
this is not the reckless self-destructive stupid-streak edginess of my twenties
this is not the brassy forceful edginess of my early thirties
this is edginess with a strong anchor and steady crown
it is time to uncover the places
that need me to bring more of my presence
lighting candles in all the corners
whispering truth
now
I wanted to write this post this morning and couldn’t find it in me to start
Eve Wild reminded me about the importance of
~~ Change Your Place Change Your Luck ~~
and made me change clothes too, of course
(black, red, leopard print, dark eyeliner, lips)
and sent me out of the house to go be her for a while
we ended up in the corner of a dark pub
listening to whiskey in the jar and turn the page
good songs for writing
I just looked to my left to find a stack of books on the window ledge,
the titles are all clues, and together they make a story:
beneath the sea
on the road
meaning in texts
curious world
how perfect is that
superpower of fearless intentional choosing.
august was trust more, now I am ready to stand in my strength more, as september brings fearless intentional choosing
I am weaving this superpower into this week’s wish:
fearless at the edges, choosing recovery with intention / choosing the edges: intentionally fearless in recovery / intentionally recovering my fearless edges
last week’s wishes
aka wishes at the foot of the mountain…
I wrote:
anything incongruent and disharmonious exits my life quickly and easily,
so that my cherishing powers stay strong….with beautiful, glowingly powerful boundaries that I
don’t need to enforce because they just are
and I got lots of the first part of that, and a beautiful glimpse of the second
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here (and the new icon!),
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
The chicken of blues and greens
It is Friday, and we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here.}
Thank you, week.
This is the 373rd week in a row that we are chickening here together. Pretty great.
What worked this week?
Woems! Or as I inexplicably keep writing it: w0ems
A woem is our name for a poem-of-woe, but it’s really just free-form process while letting another part of your creative mind take over
Woems reveal things previously unnoticed
This week I used woems for mediating sad and hard moments, in the style of My Weekend Was Eaten By Bears, or Sweetness For Incoming Me
But also for everything else:
lists / journaling / texts / thinking / posts
I enjoyed these more than usual, because they were suddenly happening in the realm of creative play, and yes, what needed to be revealed was revealed
Next time I might…
Shine first.
I went into some old Placating patterns this week,
forgetting to pause and make sure my lights were on
if you know what I mean
Internal light — next time I want to breathe into that
before responding
And also remembering that really, not everything requires a response
Upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…
Shimmering goes with everything. The Havi Brooks Story.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Augh quarterly taxes. A breath for spaciousness to ease the quarterly tax blues.
- The sum for quarterly taxes is the exact sum I needed for Project X, of course. A breath for remembering to smile at the hologram. Smile and wave: I see you. Everything is Illusion, and everything that is against me is illusion, and I see you.
- Speaking of money and plenty and forgetting truth, this was a theme. For example, the 14 day bus pass I purchased right before being confined to bed for two weeks. A breath for I Am Okay, I Am Always Okay and even though in the past things were really not okay, I Am Always Okay.
- Body needs replenishing after the past few weeks of illness and chronic pain. We tire easily. We don’t feel like playing. A breath for trust.
- On Tuesday, my lover was going to drive a hundred billion hours (approximately)
from Salt Lake City to Portland, and, more specifically, to my house and to me, just for me, except when he stopped somewhere in Idaho, he found out about a rare chance to acquire his dream vehicle at a very good price. The catch: it was in Texas, and he’d have to drop everything and fly there. He was sad about it, with sad faces, little half parentheses and dots to express longing. And yes, I know he wants the vehicle for adventuring with me, so it’s not like he is has forgotten me. And, at the same time: these past three weeks apart have been so long, and another week is not fun. A breath for almosts, and for missing. - All the releasing and Congruencing means everything in my house is in messy transition, and I don’t like. A breath for lights at ends of tunnels, and for faith.
- Sweet sorrow. A breath for this, and a sad smile for William Shakespeare, who understood the poignancy of Unlikely Combinations.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- A friend of a friend spent five hours on Saturday replacing the broken water heater in my basement, and was so kind about it and charged a very reasonable price, and I felt so held in love by the whole experience. Okay, sure, everything is breaking and expensive, and yet, look at all the ways I am supported and cared for. A breath for things working out, and for appreciating this.
- My lover was able to postpone the Texas thing and come to me for TWENTYSEVEN HOURS OF SWEETNESS. And then flew to Texas. A breath for falling asleep with my head on his chest, his fingers entwined in my hair, remembering that I am cherished.
- As my (external and internal) space clears out, I catch myself smiling all the time, touching things in my home with pleasure and love, saying thank you to the recycling bin, the cheese grater, the woven basket that houses my socks. I am feeling peaceful and grounded and made of magic, the way I do at the Vicarage, but all the time. A breath for the unexpected fruits of Shmita.
- My dance teacher said something that landed in my body like a starburst of light, which, interestingly, was kind of what she was describing. This is THE MISSING PIECE for me with dance, the elusive, invisible thing I have been longing to figure out but couldn’t describe in order to ask. And the funny part: I already knew about this , from a different part of my life. As with so many things, it isn’t about acquiring anything, but getting quiet enough to reveal what was there all along. A breath for joy, mystery and magic,
- I enjoyed creative, playful dances with dancers of all levels, using this new secret internal technology, and everyone was like, WHOA WHAT JUST HAPPENED. A parallel process in writing: a very quiet mysterious project started whispering sweet things to me, and I might be a little in love with it. A breath for this.
- Welcoming in the new year. Crisp red apples. Oregon blackberry honey. Gorgeous lilies. Candles. Fifty two wishes in my notebook. A breath for a sweet, good new year, may it be full of joy and plenty.
- I removed everything from my bedroom that doesn’t delight me, and though I now need a winter sweater, the space just hums with gladness. A breath for the powers of happy hum.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Progress on many ops this week the ops this week, especially the Congruencing ones. Note the new gorgeous icon! Thank you, fractal flowers. I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
What I asked for last week: a) Fearless Intentional Choosing, and b) noticing that I’m doing it!
Powers I want.
Feeling the steady pulse of life inside of me, living from that, from joyful Aliveness.
The Salve of Fearless Intentional Choosing.
This salve is both invigorating and relaxing. It invigorates through relaxing.
As your breath quiets and becomes relaxed and steady, you become beautifully clear and wonderfully unconflicted about what is yes, and what is no.
You stand taller, adjust your crown, breathe into your force field, choose Safety First, state your preferences, make room for what you want.
It sounds hard maybe, but that’s what the salve is for: easing every aspect of this, so that it feels comfortable and natural.
Last week’s salve went deep for me, pretty excited about this one. This is a salve of seeds of light, like breathing sparklepoints.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is Destroyed By Humidity. Their latest album is Say No To Florida. And, of course, it’s just one guy.
And the photo was taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!
Quick announcements!
- I was not exaggerating when I referenced the 18,567 comments in the spam folder! So I am declaring SPAMNESTY and shall delete all next week. If you’ve left a comment that didn’t show up, we didn’t censor it! We pretty much never delete things, unless someone is being a jerk. Send a quick note and give us the email you might have used and any other intel that will help do Search & Rescue for your comment, and we’ll do our best!
- While clearing out the house, I discovered a hidden stash of the gorgeous Stone Skipping cards! $22 for an extremely magical deck of cards plus shipping, or for $30 (plus shipping) we’ll add a cheery red Playground mug, since I found some more of those too! Tell the First Mate if you’re interested.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
p.s. If you want to express appreciation and/or go deeper into Self-Fluency…
Come practice Agency and be a secret agent (ha, agency pun!) of self-fluency, and support this blog and Shmita.
The marvelous Monster Manual gives you the sneaky ways I use to get my self-criticism to take a nap or join the circus or become my ally, so I can stay calm and take care of myself. - If you’d just like to express appreciation for concepts and qualities that live here, you can always contribute to Barrington’s Discretionary. (Explanation!)
- And of course, love and support in the form of smiles, hearts, warmth, sharing posts, practicing what we do here: any and all of that is always appreciated!
A deep breath of love from my thank-you heart for everyone who reads. ❦