Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

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Current.

I am in love with the word current, it fills my heart with joy over multiple-meanings, and every time I see my list of Current Ops, I smile so hard.

Current is now: PRESENCE, right here.

Current is electric: POWER, transmitted.

Current is water: FLOW, movement.

So current ops are the projects and dreams and gwishes (goal-wishes!) that are alive, dynamic, moving, being transmitted, in process right now.*

Portland.

I am in Portland right now. It is really good that I am in Portland right now, and I need to remember this because my monsters were very vocally against coming here, and now I am so glad I didn’t listen to them.

The original plan for this week had me near Escalante, Utah. My lover is canyoneering there, spending about nine hours a day doing things that I would not find particularly fun, and I was going to use that time for writing.

Except first the air conditioning stopped working, and then it was kind of working but only when you give it constant attention.

So that didn’t feel like a good plan. Writing for me is a full-immersion activity, not something I can do while one ear listens for specific sounds that may or may not indicate impending doom.

And what really didn’t feel good was knowing that if (when) it stopped working, I’d be roasting in 115 degree heat inside the tiny camper.

Actually, who cares about any of that.

I’m doing it again.

Giving reasons for my not-yes, trying to justify instinct when instinct just is.

Sometimes I forget that it is enough that something is not my yes. That’s all I need to know.

IT IS ENOUGH THAT SOMETHING IS NOT MY YES.

Is that not the point of Operation True Yes and the past three months living on the road? To learn more about what is my yes and what is not my yes. And now I know.

Being in Escalante wasn’t my yes, and I don’t need reasons, I just need to hear my yes. My yes was to get out and my body said get out, and so I left.

Monsters.

I went home to my sweet, peaceful house with its cool cross-breezes and flowers from the garden, and my monsters said, UGH YOU ARE A BIG BABY AND YOU ARE GIVING UP ON ADVENTURE AND YOU ARE BAD AT ADVENTURING AND THIS IS STUPID AND YOU DON’T DESERVE SABBATICAL TIME BECAUSE YOU SCREW EVERYTHING UP AND NOW YOU ARE RUNNING BACK HOME BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT YOU ARE THE WORST.

But they were wrong.

In fact, this might be the best move I’ve ever made.

My body certainly thought so. Once out of the heat and the fear and the stress, my chronic pain actually went on vacation. For the first time in six weeks, my body feels pretty good. I’ve been sleeping well. I feel relieved and peaceful. This was a good call.

Superpower of trusting my yes: ACTIVATE. Superpower of knowing that I chose right: ACTIVATE. Superpower of following my instinct: ACTIVATE. Superpower of I can’t screw this up: ACTIVATE.

Current.

Sometimes it’s hard to follow the thread of my yes, to remember what I love, what I was excited about, why I was excited about it.

Pain makes it worse, as does fear.

Sometimes I need to remember the superpowers. The May superpower of I Take Care of Myself First. The June superpower of I Am Stronger Than I Think. The July superpower of This Is A Badass Way To Live.

And I need to remember that the real mission is taking exquisite care of myself, all the time.

Sometimes the best thing I can do for the mission is take a nap, have a good cry, trust that these are not keeping me from the mission, these are supporting the mission.

Hey, sometimes they might even be the mission.

I am allowed to forget that a hundred times a day, and I am allowed to keep remembering, to stay current, to remember the current.

Ops.

Everything is better with a container.

The monsters helpfully tried to point out that going to Portland was a terrible idea because sixteen days without my lover is no fun, and hiding at home isn’t an adventure, and WHAT IS THE POINT.

Except sixteen days is a container. Sixteen days is a good amount of time for a secret operation. Secret ops!

Sixteen days is a framework in which things can happen, change, heal, be released. Sixteen days is a good way to practice meeting an Incoming me or an aspect of myself that has been ignored or forgotten. Sixteen days of being.

What do I know about this particular op.

It has to do with LESS DOING and MORE BEING.

We could also call this more Tha and less Ha.

Parameters: doing three things a day tops, and at least one of them is a BEING thing like having a nap or a bath or staring into space.

And of course, giving this op to someone else, because a secret identity is a very fun (and useful) way to play.

Marlena Wild is my secret identity for this one. She is fun, and she is really good at Not Caring, which is a thing I need to learn.

Marlena likes:

• Bright colors.
• Standing tall.
• Strappy sandals.
• Cotton headbands.
• Feet on the ground.
• Alchemy in the kitchen (and in the lab, and in the bedroom).
• Orgasms, of course.
• Slow deep breaths.
• Adjusting her invisible crown.
• Treating REST like an extreme sport that she’s both fanatical about and very good at.
• Living downstairs. Loving downstairs.
• Clearing out the bowl.

Being.

I went to see Danielle (Dr. Cornelius) for treatment because she is amazing, and she gave me the homework of “more being than doing”.

More being than doing.

A school of being.

During the session, I had so many memories surface from growing up and being in school.

School was not really a healthy setting for a highly sensitive person. I needed so much recovery time, so much emptying and releasing, and that just didn’t exist, even as a concept.

I remembered, and remembered myself, and made a safe house for me-from-then, and let the entire concept of SCHOOL get tossed into a bonfire.

And then a new school showed up. A school of BEING.

BEE-ing.

It was made from honeycomb and it was also a school of BEE-ing.

This made me laugh.

And it made me think of what Barbara Sher says about honeybees: No one criticizes a honeybee for spending more time or less time on a particular flower. We trust that the honeybee knows what it’s doing. But we torture ourselves with the idea that we “gave up” on projects before they were “completed”. We have to trust our bee-selves and remember that we stayed for as long as there was nectar for us.

So bee-ing is another form of being. Trusting that however much effort I put into something (or decide not to put into something) is enough.

I invoke all the superpowers of honeybees, including trusting that the second I feel done with a flower, I am done with that flower, and I do not need to justify that to anyone.

What is my wish?

I want to let myself be excited about the things I am currently (current!) excited about, and give myself permission to not visit flowers that don’t spark joy for me.

I want to be conscious and playful in how I approach projects.

I want to do less, and then do even less than that, and trust that this is enough.

I want to wear hot pink shorts when I feel like it, and hide when I feel like it, and wait for the current to tell me what is next.

Invitation.

You are invited to make up secret identities! You are invited to name ops, which you are then welcome to ignore and not follow if another flower pulls you instead!

And you are are still welcome to make suggestions on ebooks that you might want me to write, which I might not write, because I am a honeybee.

Now.

My ears are ringing from being out in the world. I feel disoriented and fatigued.

I am practicing the thing that always helps: ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND LEGITIMACY.

This makes sense, even if I don’t know why or how. This is a normal way for a person-who-is-me to react to being in a city again, to loud and unexpected noises, to change, to stress. It is safe to have reactions. It is safe to take care of myself. It is safe to breathe and notice, and to challenge the monster-stories.

Just because the world isn’t built to support highly sensitive people doesn’t mean something is wrong with me for having strong reactions to life.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: Look at these beautiful things that are emerging from Shmita.
Me: But what if I’m just bad at being an adult.
She: You are enough, my love.

Clues?

Bee is the name of a very special person I know, and Honey is the name of a very special person I sometimes am.

The superpower of I am stronger than I think.

We are in June: RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think.

This week’s wish is about all of these. Letting go, being a bell, taking care of myself, living in truth.

I will take all the reminders I can get.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Ongoing wishes.

Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka MOHO…

That was a wonderful wish that took me to all kinds of places. For one thing, it got me here, into an op that is about being (and BEE-ing) rather than doing.

Also my lover and I looked at motorhomes and got some ideas for a tiny house, and then went back to the earthship plan, and are generally excited about [building] and [small] and [sustainable].

And moho can also stand for More Honesty, which is what happens when I listen to my body and trust my yes.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday, for this space, and for being here when we get here.}

What worked this week?

Asking the magic eight ball online.

Sometimes you just need something to confirm what you already knew but didn’t want to admit that you knew.

Looking at buttmonsters.

Look at those adorable buttmonsters! Look at that adorable tiny couch! Brandi bought these when we closed the Playground, and she sent this picture, and I can’t even stand how cute they are.

Usually it’s squeezing buttmonster butts that cheers me up. This week, just having this picture made things better.

Next time I might…

Rest more.

Always. But especially now. Rest is the door to sovereignty. I can’t feel what I need or stand up for what I know if I’m too worn out to take care of myself.

And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…

Hiding Under The Skylight. The Havi Brooks Story.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. The news is heartbreaking, and it seems like lately it is one gut-wrenching moment after the next. A breath for Charleston, for justice, for naming what needs to be named.
2. Chronic pain is back. Five straight days of agony. A breath for presence and for moving through.
3. Still so tired. I can do so little right now before becoming completely worn out. A breath for acknowledgment and legitimacy.
4. Temperatures in the 90s make it impossible to function, even if I weren’t exhausted and in constant pain. We finally got out of the city where we can run the generator and have air conditioning, but it only works if you are constantly supervising and tinkering. The thought of being in 110 degree heat and having it break down is pretty terrifying, to be honest. And I can’t go into deep focus and writing mode if I need one ear listening at all times for the tiny signs that means the air conditioning unit is unhappy and needs immediate attention or it will stop. A breath for trusting my gut when it says no, this is too much to deal with right now, choose away from this.
5. Plans keep changing, and then changing again, and I am in all of my homelessness stuff about Not Knowing Where I Will Be. A breath for remembering that I still have a home and I still have the camper with the beautiful boy, and I am held in love, and Now Is Not Then.
6. I just want to be writing. And cooking. And have energy. A breath for this is how it is right now.
7. Leaving the beautiful boy tomorrow for sixteen days. I am going to miss him so much. A breath for trusting the magic eight ball, and for trusting what I know and didn’t know that I knew until it was “confirmed” for me.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Gratitude for all this work of releasing. A breath for letting things go.
2. I trusted my instinct and stopped taking the probiotics I’d been using to counter the effects of the antibiotics from last week, and the next day my pain went from unbearable and everywhere back to just the pain I’d been used to. Hey, progress. A breath for listening, and for relief.
3. I got another session with the healing table. A breath for taking care of myself.
4. We left the city and headed for the mountains and the trees, and everything is better. A breath for remembering this.
5. My lover strokes my hair and listens and is present and kind and sweet with me, when I am panicking, when I am in pain, when I don’t know what to do, at all times. A breath for treasure: this is treasure.
6. Today is 100 days of Shmita. A breath of appreciation for past-me who sent me on this wild adventure.
7. Even though I don’t know what the plan is, I like the direction these new possible plans are going. Dreaming of tiny houses, earth ships, labyrinths, home base, building, writing, creating, cooking, resting. A breath for yes.
8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Frozen bananas. The Sounders falling apart and getting three red cards, and the Timbers winning 3:1. I made glass cleaner from vinegar, water and lemongrass oil which I happened to have, and it works so much better than commercial cleaner. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!

Operations completed. Wham boom!

I slept for twelve hours one night, I wrote blog posts, I processed pain, I hid when I needed to hide. Let’s call that a successful mission and I now award myself a billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.

Superpowers I had this week…

I had the superpower of trusting my body, and that was amazing.

Powers I want.

I want the superpower of believing that the decision I just made was wonderfully right, and if it turns out not to be, then finding the aspects that were vital to the mission and feeling happy about all of it.

The Salve of Trusting The Body.

When you put on this salve, it’s a bit like when you put on really high-quality noise-isolating headphones. Everything goes quiet all around you, like sinking into a beautiful pool that exists just for you.

And then you hear the quiet intel that was there all along:

Yes, you need to pee. No, that food is not going to feel good in your body. Yes, second breakfast is actually a great idea. Hmmmm, maybe a fifteen minute nap. Yes, yes, yes, change position. Yes, yes, yes, smell that flower.

You trust and listen, trust and listen, trust and listen. It’s like reuniting with a friend you haven’t seen in too long, and you giggle together and catch up on everything you missed. It feels sweet, familiar, safe and full of love.

When you wear this salve, people will wonder if you are in love.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is The Traveling Mulberries. Their latest album is called Flat Bed Ruckus. They play doowop covers of Dolly Parton songs and it’s just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

♡

Moho.

Last week I received the mysterious and wonderful word “shed” (double-meaning!), and now the word of the week is moho.

This is interesting because, unlike shed, it is not really a word.

So I get to play. And I like to play.

If moho is secret code, or a delicious mystery, what do I know about it?

Things moho might conceivably stand for…

1. motor home, which is both a symbol and a clue for how I want to live even if it isn’t exactly how I want to live…
2. mohorovicic discontinuity: the boundary between the earth’s crust and mantle, across which there is a sudden change in the velocity of seismic waves — this sentence excites me!
3. mohair: on
4. mohawk: orange!
5. maha om — maha is Sanskrit and means great
6. monastic honesty
7. mothering home
8. more honoring

Other words and sounds that come up for me: mellifluous orchestration, moon healing observatory, mahogany…

What else?

Oh! MOHO could also be an acronym! I am wildly in love with acronyms.

Mission Of Holistic Ops! Messages On Happy Ordinances. Meticulous Ordering of Helpful Offerings. May Openings and Healing Occur.

I asked my brother, and he came up with these:

Mice Often Heal Otters! Moose Only Help Orangutans! Muskrats Ought to Hide Oregano!

And now I want to read an children’s book (illustrated by Richard, of course) about all of those.

MOHO can also work as a compass. North is M, East is O, South is H, West is O.

And if you, dear reader, wish to play as well and share associations or invent things moho might mean or stand for, you are welcome and invited to drop them into the comments! Though I wish for either positive or neutral or silly things, not depressing ones…

What do I know about this wish?

Um, nothing yet?

Let’s see.

I like mysteries. I like secret code. I like missions and ops. I like surprises. I like receiving intel, even if I don’t understand it yet.

I also like possibility: moho can be anything, which means there are so many wonderful ways to be surprised. Come in, come in, superpowers of Good Surprises and Receptivity To Being Delighted.

Oh!

Something just landed.

My two big life themes right now are MOON and HOME.

And a moon home is like an alternate name for an earthship, something I am currently obsessed with.

What else could moon home be?

Moon for me is about lunar cycles, syncing up my beautiful downstairs bodyparts with the moon so we wax and wane at the same times. It is about Operation Loving Downstairs, making peace with this body of mine and feeling deeply at home in it.

Yes, home and at home.

Home is also related to containers, anything that holds a process, or anything that is a home inside of a home.

Home is also related to Shmita and Operation True Yes: it is now just over three months that I have been on the road, living in an nine foot living space aka the Bouncy Castle, the tiny, sweet camper on my lover’s truck.

Moons.

I love living small. Sometimes we talk about downsizing to a van, and sometimes we talk about expanding into a larger camper, sometimes it’s building a small portable house, and all of these are fun to imagine, in different ways.

I love opening the skylight above the bed at night, being right there under moon and stars.

This month is the Month of Releasing, and that is related to moon cycles as well.

The moon is also a model for how I want to live.

Half the time in expanding mode, half the time in quieting mode.

The ha and the tha.

If you’ve ever taken a yoga class or thought about it, you’ve probably run into the term hatha yoga.

Most studios generally present this as if it is a kind of yoga, but actually ALL yoga is hatha yoga.

{HA = sun / THA = moon}

The HA is everything that is active: making things happen is HA, strength poses are HA, getting things done is HA, going after what you want is HA.

The THA is everything that is restorative, receptive, passive: resting is THA, stretching is THA, listening is THA, letting things emerge and be revealed is THA.

HA is doing, THA is being.

The HA is the yang to the THA yin.

And just like with yin/yang, neither is good or bad, and there’s no such thing as something which is entirely ha or tha. There is always a kernel of one inside of the other.

Both HA and THA are vital and necessary parts of being alive, both can hold GRACE and PRESENCE and JOY.

Off balance.

Our culture loves HA, and is not so into THA, other than as a vague idea that some people blog about sometimes (self-care is good!).

The other day I was at an aerobics class (HA!), and the instructor said something like, “Isn’t it so great that you took this hour for you? This is your you-time!”, and all the busy, exhausted moms cheered.

And I thought, oh dear lord, how did we get to this point, collectively, that an hour out of twenty four is considered a victory? I mean, it is a victory, and also it’s a pretty low bar for taking care of ourselves. That’s not how I want to live at all.

One of the things I’m trying to figure out through this experiment in Shmita (Releasing/Sabbatical) is how I can find a way to live/work that can consist of equal parts Being and Doing…

Because they way I’ve been doing things up until now is Lots And Lots Of DOING.

Actually it’s more like All DOING Followed By Having A Breakdown and Practicing BEING Because It’s An Emergency But Just Until I Recover And Then It’s Back To Just DOING Again.

What if Moon Home is a way to bring more moon (THA) energy and practices into my life? What if Moon Home is creating an internal culture of me where Moon feels like home?

I love this part.

Each week I write a wish, and each week I think “what is this even about?”.

And then suddenly it becomes clear. Sometimes as I am wishing, sometimes weeks later.

This is a wish about giving myself permission to devote more of my time and attention to being.

Being with my body, being with the process of releasing, being with the things I want to create when I am ready to be in doing mode.

Invitation.

Not only are you invited to name things that MOHO could mean or stand for, you are also invited to name things in our culture that emphasizse HA over THA, and then you can say HA! Because that is fun.

Also! Last week I asked for votes for your preferences on four possible ebooks that I might write.

Matt asked me on Twitter if I was also taking write-in votes for things people want me to write. And I wasn’t, except now I am actually really CURIOUS.

So — I make no promises to write any of these — what would you want me to write about if you got a fairy godmother wish and could choose the topic of a Havi e-book? If it were up to you, and I would write the thing you wanted to read from me, what would it be? Or ten books, while we are playing with wishes.

I am listening.

Now.

We are almost at new moon. Hello, new moon.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: I love your wishes! I love how you process! I love how this lets you take steps towards me so we can play!
Me: Do you know what moho means? Or does it even matter?
She: I promise that we will laugh about this delightedly at some point.

Clues?

I just looked around my space, pausing to really look and feel, and guess what?

Right next to my laptop is my lip and cheek stain from Fat & The Moon. The moon!

Also that sweet little tin is like a symbol of how I want to live. It is my (amazing) lip balm AND my lipstick, it is a gorgeous color, it is the perfect answer to a wish I made here a long time ago, and it is also my blush and my eye shadow.

It is made of beet root and sunflower oil and beeswax and essential oils and magic, no plastic involved. It’s a moon clue and a clue about living joyfully and intentionally. I’ll take it!

The superpower of I am stronger than I think.

The quality for May was REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first. Now we are in June: RELEASE MORE, with the quality of I am stronger than I think.

I really love how the moons/months are blending together, both the qualities and the superpowers.

This week’s wish is absolutely about taking care of myself first, and also about the strength that it takes (I am stronger than I think) to do that and to commit to it. It means going agains the larger, louder culture we live in.

I wouldn’t have thought that not-doing (THA!) and releasing (THA!) required so much strength (HA!) and determination (HA!) but it does, and that is beautiful.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Ongoing wishes.

Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka it’s a shed…

I wanted gentle releasing in the form of shedding, and I wanted to learn more about sheds that are houses and containers, and I got both.

This week involved much letting go of previous ideas and plans, and being wonderfully surprised by new possibilities.

And another reminder that our Fi needs support with the surgery for her sweet dog Molly, help if you can or spread the word!

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday, for this space, and for being here when we get here.}

What worked this week?

The Katy Perry School of Packing.

I have obscene amounts of packing-related anxiety, and so many related monsters it’s like a monster family reunion, or possibly a very crowded monster wedding.

The bride’s side is all about Why Can’t You Just Do It Already It Will Take Five Minutes, and the groom’s side is You Will Never Be Ready In Time And You Won’t Have What You Need And This Is A Disaster. And then I just hide in bed and read everything on the internet until it is almost too late.

This time I invented a game called I studied at the Katy Perry School of Packing:

What Would Katy Perry Do? And how much can I pack in an hour while listening to Katy Perry and invoking her superpowers?

Among the principles of the Katy Perry School of Packing:

1. The speedier the packing, the more time you have for a calming bubble bath so you arrive non-frazzled at the airport.
2. No matter how bizarre and unlikely your haphazardly selected clothing choices might be, people will assume they’re intentional, so just pack whatever. YOU ARE A FASHION ICON and a GIANT WEIRDO, and these things can go together.
3. Unless you have some sexy skinny-muscular back-up dancer boys in black pants and white undershirts and possibly suspenders accompanying you to carry your bags, remove some items and then keep removing more items until you are sure your shoulders won’t hurt from carrying them. You need your shoulders to dance, girl.

Next time I might…

Remember that rest is kind of like a full time job.

I tried to hurry recovery, and that backfired, surprise!

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Releasing is hard, you guys. And so much is changing. Some of it is good, some of it is hard, all of it is shaking things up. And all this shedding. It is rough. A breath for presence, trust, ease, finding comfort, breathing into the adventure.
2. I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. There is big healing happening in my body, and it is work, and it is challenging. I can do one thing (laundry? a shower? groceries?) and then I’m done for that day. I miss being outdoors. I miss moving my body. I miss having the desire to do anything other than crash. Also, remember when I thought sabbatical time would mean wild self-expression and creative flourishing? It’s really mostly breakdowns, crises, laundry. And I don’t even have energy for that. I’ve dealt with worse in the past, both in terms of chronic pain and chronic fatigue, but of course there is also lots of monstering about What If Now Turns Out To Be Just Like Then. Another breath for rest, and for remembering truth: now is not then.
3. I said okay fine to something when I knew my real answer was ABSOLUTELY NOT — UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES. And then — surprise! — I was miserably unhappy. And, of course, like with all people-pleasing attempts, no one ended up happy. I felt resentful towards the person who had not understood the urgency of my situation and suggested the thing that was a No, and I felt upset with myself for the Reluctant Yes, and furious that not only had I chosen Noble Suffering but it of course had turned out to be Wildly Unnecessary. And I felt frustrated when the thing I thought would be blessedly over in fifteen minutes turned into nearly ninety minutes. How about we learn the lesson this time, my love. A breath for honoring the truth I can feel in my body, for being the person who hears the no and says the no, with sweetness and with love, may I learn how to do this gracefully, and if I can’t do it gracefully, may I do it anyway.
4. Got upset with my lover for the first time since we met. This never happens. A breath for remembering that everything is a misunderstanding, and then reverse-engineering.
5. Holy god it is hot in Utah, and even hotter in the camper, and it is muggy and sticky, and there is no air conditioning and everything seems harder than it should be. A breath for cool breezes, and for sweet rain.
6. My sweet stressed-out lover had to work late this week, and by late, I mean between four and six in the morning. So really right now it’s less of a road trip with my lover and more like I happen to share nine feet of space with a random person whom I find very attractive. A breath for new cycles and getting on the same schedule.
7. I was feeling excited and hopeful about a thing, and now isn’t the time and I want now to be the time, and I would like some good news please. A breath for finding the good in everything.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Releasing is potent stuff. A breath for astonishing things, and for recovery.
2. I received WONDERFUL and VERY REASSURING test results: the thing I am dealing with is tiny, relatively common, benign. It is not any of the horrible debilitating diagnoses my monsters were loudly betting on. A breath of relief and deep, deep gratitude.
3. My monsters were wrong! They were so completely wrong about everything this week! A breath for trusting the quiet steady voice of wisest me.
4. Much less pain this week. So much so that it’s kind of shocking. It is amazing what a cheerful person I am when things don’t hurt. And food tastes good again. A breath for miracles.
5. My lover is sweet, kind, warm, steady, loving, accepting. I feel such exquisite tenderness and vulnerability and trust, and without the accompanying oh god this is so uncomfortable part. A breath for joyful smiling, tears, gratitude, steaminess, wonder, passion, aliveness, all of it.
6. I said this last week and it is still true: being only able to accomplish one thing a day, while frustrating, is not a bad way of being. A breath for rest and more rest and living the mission of Shmita.
7. I made roasted red peppers and am so happy. I made a delicious mushroom soup. This process of removing plastic from my life, cooking from raw ingredients, and not generating trash is rewarding in ways I hadn’t expected — I did not think I would enjoy making things as much as I do. A breath for what if the thing I know is right can also turn into the thing I happen to find pleasurable.
8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Friends who rejoice in my good news. The sweet and thoughtful people who read this blog. Finding what I need when I need it. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!

Operations completed. Wham boom!

I took care of myself this week AND made soup, and I am going to call that a successful mission and award myself a billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.

Superpowers I had this week…

I had the superpower of knowing what my yes is. Even when I didn’t act on it. I knew.

And I had the superpower of remembering that often what I think is bad news turns out to be really useful and even good.

Last week I asked for the superpower of Things Can Change For The Better Faster Than I Think, and got it IN SPADES. Thank you.

Powers I want.

I want, again, the superpower of I Trust Myself And My Body Completely, and the superpower of Oh Look The Perfect Door.

The Salve of Deep Guilt-Free Rest.

This salve erases all the scripts that say things like “I don’t even know why I’m so tired” and “It doesn’t make sense that I just want to rest”, and replaces them with PERMISSION, LEGITIMACY and ENDLESS SWEETNESS.

It dissolves all inherited social, cultural and familial guilt lines. It is a beautiful softening: I can let this go, I can put this down, I can close my eyes and let all the thought-worries drain into the earth.

This salve is wildly subversive, and I recommend using it in outrageous quantities. Put it on everything. It works great as a lip balm too.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is Too Busy To Talk. Their latest album is called Side Eye On The Side. They play harmonica and tambourine, and actually it’s just one guy.

And my upcoming Biopic…

Crises About Laundry. The Havi Brooks Story.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!