What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 306: Wish Balls and Wish Bells
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Here be monsters.
This week every single idea I’ve had for a wish that I might process here has been immediately shut down by monsters.
To the point that I couldn’t even tell that it was monsters, and thought that maybe I just didn’t want anything…
Me: What do I want?
Answer: I don’t know!
Me: Really?
Answer: I don’t know!
Me: That’s a little suspicious…
Answer: No it isn’t!
Me: Really. We have done this for THREE HUNDRED AND FIVE WEEKS IN A ROW, and suddenly at week three hundred and six, we have mysteriously lost the ability to make wishes? Or is something else at play?
Monsters: Fine, make a wish, and we will tell you why it’s stupid.
And that’s how it went.
It turned out, of course, that I have dozens of wishes, but I was just scared to name them because of all the criticism. Sometimes you have to protect a tiny sweet thing, and I was protecting mine by pretending it didn’t exist.
So I started testing this, with less scary things. I’d name a wish about something I might theoretically want, like, maybe eventually, some day, possibly…and the monsters had already written a doctoral thesis on why it’s stupid, selfish, and won’t work anyway.
Their ability to shut things down is always pretty impressive (after all, that’s how self-protective mechanisms work), but their game is so speedy right now. You kind of have to admire it.
It’s a game to them, and they are really good at it.
So I had the thought: Huh. If this is a fun game for them, destroying wishes, let’s find a way to let them play the game so they can be happy.
And a way for me to have my own parallel game of generating and playing with wishes, and then we all win.
That way I can know what they object to, and if I need proxies or less scary wishes or better ways to protect the wishes.
Of course underneath all of this is the real game: getting quiet and still, listening to my secret truth, finding out what I really want and how better to take care of myself.
This requires a bouncy castle. Let’s make one.
A bouncy castle for secret wishes that is also a ball pit.
Two of them. One for the monsters and one for me. And each of the brightly colored balls are wishes, and when the monsters see a ball they can jump on it and say all the negative things they think about it, and then at least I will know what my wishes are (and why they scare me, because of monster objections), and I can visit my own bouncy castle and play with my wish-balls there, sans monsters.
It’s duplicate bouncy castles! Duplicate bouncy castles full of wishing balls!
Hilariously, while I was thinking that, someone on Twitter said “it’s raining balls over here”. Yeah? Well I’m WISHING balls.
And since all of my wish-balls are really secretly about being a better bell, these wishing balls can also be wishing bells. Hey, it’s the month of Reverberation.
This week.
Instead of exploring a wish, I’ll just name a bunch of the colorful wishing balls.
Some may not make much sense yet, maybe not even to me, and that’s okay.
Some of these wishes are tiny, sweet, baby wishes with adorable little toes, and they need safety, sweetness and adoration.
Some of these wishes come with a request for suggestions if you have any.
Then over the course of this week, I will trust that my monsters are happily firing off objections in the ball pit, gleefully destroying everything in sight.
And I will play peacefully with my bell-wishes and ball-wishes, letting them be colorful, buoyant, extravagant.
And if monsters need to be monster-ey today, they get one sentence. Wise-me can chime in too, please.
WISHBALLS: GO!
AIR.
Back to keeping the phone in airplane mode, or, as I call it: AIRplane mode.
AIR = Access Internal Resonance, something which is considerably easier for me to do when I’m not plugged in.
Monsters: That’s not your real wish, your real wish is to not run out of data and be constrained by money, you are lying to yourself to preserve morale, just like Then!
Wisest Me: Let’s play what’s true and what’s also true: It’s true Havi cares about conserving data right now. It’s also true that she thrives on the spaciousness and quiet of being a peaceful bell, that’s a big part of Shmita and something she would genuinely like to experiment with.
A delicious no-dairy cheese recipe.
Since deciding that I’m done with plastic, I’ve been living in the kitchen.
Well, I live on the road in a tiny camper, so the kitchen is the same as the rest of my space, but I’ve been figuring out how to make everything we currently buy which comes with plastic.
I love cheese more than anything in the world, but unless I learn how to make it or acquire a giant wheel of it somewhere, it’s either goodbye cheese or substitutes.
I’ve made some nut cheeses, and they’re…fine, but nothing like cheese. The recipes say OHMYGOD THIS IS SO DELICIOUS AND ADDICTIVE AND YOU WILL THINK IT IS CHEESE BUT LIKE IT EVEN IT MORE, and apparently vegans are as reliable about things tasting like cheese as I am about things tasting like dessert.
Which is to say, not at all. The opposite of reliable. Maybe even kind of delusional.
I quit sugar a little over fifteen years ago. So I don’t actually remember what really sweet things taste like. I make myself frozen seed treats with seeds, dates, raisins, nuts and cocoa powder. In my mind they taste like Reese’s peanut butter cups, only better.
I told my housemate he should taste these sweet treats, and he said, yeah, I wouldn’t call them sweet, they taste like nuts and fruit, and I was like, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS IS THE MOST DECADENT DESSERT OF ALL TIME.
I want truly great recipes for alternative cheeses of different flavors and textures, that come with the seal of approval from people who still know from cheese. Orgasmic levels of cheese-like approximation. Or at the very least, cheese-like levels.
Anyone reading is welcome and invited to direct me to their favorite recipes, as long as a genuine cheese-eating person can swear that this really is a worthy substitute.
Monsters: You are a selfish, horrible person who needs to shut up, there are starving children working in sweatshops and all you care about is cheese taste, get over yourself.
Wisest-me: This is a marvelous wish that will change how you live, and I can’t wait to find out where this goes.
Access Secret Learning.
This is my secret code for American Sign Language, and I would like to spend more time playing with signs.
Monsters: Yeah whatever, like this is ever going to happen, don’t make wishes out loud if you’re not going to follow through, dumbass.
Wisest-me: All timing is right timing, and seed-planting is the best way to start, so keep your eyes open for all the ways you are accessing secret learning, not just the way you think it has to be.
Buying food at farms and in bulk.
This is how I want to acquire food now.
Monsters: Right, this is totally going to work while living on the road, don’t you realize it’s going to be expensive and impossible.
Wisest-me: What a beautiful wish. I bet that farm you’ve been eyeing is going to have amazing olive oil, and I know how much you enjoyed making your own chili powder this week from the bulk dried peppers you bought at the co-op! What vibrancy in taste and color. What glorious Aliveness!
Be a bell in Fresno.
[Secret silent retreat wish that has to do with a dance convention.]
Monsters: It’s going to be a disaster to end all disasters, you’ll probably never dance again.
Wisest-me: Yep, this is a terrific wish. Let’s make some magic.
Pole dancing.
Not even a proxy.
Monsters: Hahaha, with your abs?
Wisest-me: I love it when you make wishes that have to do with gazelle state and Lusciousness, your two favorite things. And adventure. What a beautiful wish.
Cod liver oil.
How do you disguise it so it does not taste disgusting? I am open to all suggestions or recipes that do not involve sugar/honey/sweeteners.
Monsters: You’re embarrassing.
Wisest-me: I bet there is a marvelous solution waiting for you.
A recipe for corn tortillas that does not involve using plastic.
In fact, I think I want an entire cookbook based on zero waste principles.
I mean, come on. People have made corn tortillas forever. How come I can’t find a single recipe that doesn’t involve plastic wrap or cutting a piece of a plastic bag or wax paper.
What did people do a hundred years ago? Why isn’t there a recipe for that? This is driving me crazy.
Open to suggestions, recommendations and favorite recipes, thank you!
Monsters: All you care about is food and making food, you’re turning into some horribly boring, homesteading, apron-wearing zealot, and no one is ever going to read your blog again.
Wisest-me: It is going to be awesome making tortillas! And there really is a need for this zero-plastic cookbook, and you don’t have to be the one to write it!
More Putterday please!
Devoting more time to just puttering.
Monsters: Just shut up already and do some damn work for a change.
Wisest-me: Mmmmm what a delicious wish!
Now.
There is a gorgeous shot glass full of freshly ground chili powder in front of me. There is flour all over my pants. I overcooked the rice dish, but made a delicious garlicky lemon tahini sauce that tastes like home to me. I’m wearing my mother’s necklace and if she were still alive, I’d tell her about the chili powder and she would be so excited.
Well, possibly she would also send me an envelope stuffed full of newspaper clippings about people who accidentally overdosed on chili powder and died, or made their own powder from bad peppers and died, but she would be very interested in the process, and right now I am enjoying that superpower of Excited About Process, something my monsters will (I hope) learn to enjoy and to let me enjoy too.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: You thought you didn’t have any wishes and look how many wishes you have.
Me: But what if my monsters are right and these are all terrible wishes?
She: If they were terrible wishes, you wouldn’t have so much invested in trying to shut them down. And anyway, what is a wish if not an experiment in permission to want?
Clues?
When I left the campsite two weeks ago, it was full of yellow flowers, but now it is full of yellow and purple flowers. A landscape can change quickly and in entirety and astound me with beauty.
The superpower of I take care of myself first.
The quality for May is REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first.
Things that reverberate: bells, wishes, electric toothbrushes, ships and motorcycles, intention, presence, joyfulness, desire.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka a new experiment…
Last week my wish was about dental floss but it was really about living in a way that is meaningful and important to me, and the permission to follow that wherever it takes me.
Haven’t solved the dental floss bit yet. I already use coconut oil for oil pulling, so I have added a couple minutes of swishing oil after I eat, and brushing teeth more, but right now floss still seems very necessary, so I am using what I have and waiting for the right solution to reveal itself. As for the bigger wish, I feel stronger and more hopeful about everything than I did a week ago.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 355: Sinister Slide Festival
It is Friday Saturday and we are here.
I was on the road and wasn’t able to post and felt kind of stressed out about that, and about other things, but hey, we finally made it to camp, so here we go.
Pausing to breath for the week that was.
{a breath for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
Happy Fairy Self-Godmothering Day!
A reclaiming was (and is) necessary for this holiday I dislike which seems to take up more and more social bandwidth each year.
I practiced being a good fairy godmother to myself, and I got myself a present.
Blouse button!
Found myself in Portland for a few days, and the dress I wanted to wear to Waltz Brunch was being way more cleavage-ey than it is in my head.
Normally I would say SO WHAT, DEAL WITH IT, because I have very little patience with the notion that clothes suddenly become immodest when worn by me. To quote Jessica Rabbit, as one must, “I can’t help it, I’m drawn that way.”
But my desire in that moment was to cover up.
Miraculously, there was a jet black blouse button (apologies in advance for their problematic tagline — “when modesty matters”) in the bathroom, and it did the trick, and now I am going to keep this with me everywhere instead of letting it sit in a drawer.
Next time I might…
Not choose the eight hour bus ride option.
The physical trauma of being crammed in one position for half a day was not even the horrible part, and it erased the accumulated relaxation of the previous week of doing sweet nothing and communing with the moon.
I knew this option wouldn’t be fun, but I chose it because it was sensible.
And in the end, there is nothing sensible about it. Certainly nothing sensible about having to hide in bed and get physical therapy to recover. Next time I will choose the most peaceful option, and if the monsters say it isn’t sensible, I will point out that peacefulness is very sensible.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The eight hour bus ride that felt more like eight days. Featuring a drunk Loud Talker regaling the woman next to him with his life story for the entire, a nine year old who thought banging on the window was a fun way to pass the time, and the Somali teen next to me who gave a fascinating albeit distressing three hour long monologue at top volume into his phone, recounting the street skirmishes he and his friends are regularly involved in. A breath for now knowing that I don’t want to be on a bus for eight hours.
- Still in between in so many ways. I mean, okay, when is one not in between. But this sabbatical time is big, powerful stuff, and sometimes that can make everything a big wobbly and woozly, which is a word that should be a word. A breath for the superpower of Transitions Are Doors And I Am Great At Doors.
- Four days back in Portland after sixty days away was bizarre and extremely disorienting. Both the city part, and then Portland specifically. A breath for this.
- Five, yes five, different unpleasant experiences related to people crossing boundaries. And then watching myself flub this so hard (in the opinions of — and as narrated by — the Monster Chorus). I just went into my patterns, and either removed myself from the situation or gritted teeth and got through. By the time I got around to actually setting a boundary, I was too upset to be able to do it gracefully, and one person got to be the recipient of the total sum of my upset feelings. A breath for the ongoing study of all these fascinating mysteries of life, and for remembering compassion for me. This stuff takes time to unlearn, and that’s okay.
- [Silent Retreat]. A breath for meeting myself with love.
- Missing my lover. A breath for presence.
- Apprehensive about some future ops. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Not sure how I would have made it through the eight hour bus ride without the lovely kind-hearted people of Twitter. Thanks to everyone who talked feminism and mother’s day and played word games and shared travel stories. A breath for virtual companionship.
- A lovely coincidence meant I got to attend Waltz Brunch this week, a unique, eclectic and not-like-anything-else monthly event which happens to be my very favorite thing in Portland. Danced for three and a half hours, and smiled my face off the entire time. A breath for floating, for play, and for joy.
- I shared my experience of feeling disoriented with my friend the Vicar, and he said, “Well, we shifted everything two inches to the left while you were gone. That’s a lot of it, I suspect. It was part of the Portland Sinister Slide Street Festival.” This cheered me up immensely, because it’s ludicrous, and also it actually helped. Every time I felt a little off, I reminded myself that nothing is wrong, it’s just that couple inches of shift. Like what they say on planes about your luggage. Your Experience May Have Shifted During The Voyage. A breath for humor, perspective, and things that are deeply reassuring even though they make no sense.
- Missing my lover/companion-in-adventuring was easier this week. Maybe because I knew I’d be in his arms again on Thursday? Or maybe because we had more access to means of communication so we could connect more than just checking in. Also, it’s kind of sweet and romantic that someone would travel through snow and ice and hardship for many, many, many hours just to meet me at an airport. A breath for connection, for sweetness, for joy and for Thursday.
- I did set a boundary this week. And in retrospect, I dealt with the other situations as well as I could in the moment, it was what it was, and now I have a better game plan for next time. And I am going to practice things that my monsters think are rude. A breath for wearing my crown, for trusting, for trying things, for being brave.
- So many good parts to Operation Adventures in Reverberation. I also learned something neat this week: the disgusting gel that dental hygienists use to polish your teeth contains aspartame. Well, that isn’t the neat thing, that’s horrifying. But the neat thing is that you can ask them not to, and they’ll use baking soda instead. This is one of those things I wish someone had told me but I’m glad I know now, and I didn’t get the usual dental headache. A breath for asking, for learning, and for everything about Shmita.
- Friends!!!! This is the main thing that is missing from life on the road. I got to spend a day with Jane! And a day with Marisa! And brunch with the Vicar, dinners and movies with Richard and regrounding rituals with Danielle. Plus dances and working out and seeing people I really enjoy. A breath for how important this is.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Thursday night dancing. Back in the beautiful boy’s arms. Trusting my instincts. I am a grand adventuress. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
This was a week of ideas and process, with a lot of research and frantic scribbling of notes and planting seeds for later. Thank you, Mission of Less, and fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Trusting In Less Is More, the superpower of somehow being magically glowing — to the point that I just threw my makeup in a bag in a closet because it seemed so wildly unnecessary, and the superpower of being Well Provisioned, aka Right Tool For The Job, which is the superpower I always, always, always want.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of Fearless Boundary-Setting As A Matter Of Course, and the related superpower of If Someone I Barely Know Aggressively Tries To Yank Me Towards Them So They Can Kiss My Cheek Because They Want To, I Aggressively Kick Them In The Shins And Maybe Apologize Later But Only If I Feel Like It.
The Salve of Beautiful Boundaries.
This salve is directly related to the superpower of Safety First, as well as to the superpower of I Take Care Of Myself First, which is the superpower of the month of May.
When I wear this salve, there is an extra buffer around me. It is palpable and sweet and no one accidentally wanders into me. I don’t even need to establish boundaries or worry about if this is even a situation where that could cause more distress, I just have these strong, beautiful, glowingly powerful boundaries, they just are.
I am visible to everyone who needs to see me, and invisible to everyone who doesn’t.
As it seeps into my skin, I begin to feel very warm towards the world: I wish everyone well, and then, as this happens, I am suddenly able to deeply trust that it is in their best interest — as well as mine and everyone else’s — that I don’t ever put up with things that are not okay for me.
This salve reminds me of roses: sexy, sharp, sweet, loving, protected. Abusers are allergic to it, so they wander off in a fit of coughing.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of autocorrect misunderstanding how co-working works. The band is called Cow Irking. Their latest album is called Oh We Just Irk Together. They play amplified fiddle versions of Bob Dylan songs at very high speeds, and as it turns out, it’s just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
Still Not Considering Becoming An Astronaut. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Wish 305: a new experiment
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Wishes.
Some weeks I have no idea what I want to wish for.
That’s a lie, of course.
It turns out that I always know what I want to wish for, I just often don’t want to admit it to myself.
This week I do not have this problem though. Suddenly I have all kinds of wishes this week, popping up in my peripheral vision like bubbles.
Bubbles.
For example, I want to expand my ASL knowledge to include the ability to be deliciously rude, by which I mean to stand up for myself, and say things like “That’s my seat. Get out of my seat.”
[I do realize that I could have said that anyway, which would have significantly improved today’s eight hour bus ride, but didn’t think it was worth digging in my bag for a notebook to write it.]
So that’s a wish about knowledge, but really it’s a wish about ballsiness (yes, I am a feminist, and yes, it’s just a word that works for me), and really it’s a wish about sovereignty and not caring if people think that I’m a terrible, rude, shallow and generally inappropriate person for wanting the thing that was mine to begin with, which I chose for a good reason.
And I have a wish related to the superpower of the month —- I Take Care Of Myself First — which seemed like the perfect thing when I was calendar-channeling back in the fall, but now I have an almost allergic reaction to this. This is probably a sign that I need it.
So that’s a wish about a new relationship with resistance, and it’s a wish about making peace with being my own advocate, and it is a parallel wish to the first wish.
Many bubbles, all at least tangentially related, and since I can’t process them all at once (haha, see my related wish to eventually write a blog post under 2500 words), I am going to choose one and let it be a fractal flower for the rest.
Let’s talk about dental floss. But first: cups.
Not long after I embarked on Shmita, sabbatical time, and Operation True Yes aka Six Month Roadtrip aka Live Light, I got a message from the ocean about a Mission of Less.
I have been investigating all the possible ways that things can be reduced, simplified, let go of, released.
Then a little over a week ago I saw this arresting image. Click the image to zoom.
It depicts the one million plastic cups used by airline flights — in the United States alone — EVERY SIX HOURS.
One million. Every six hours. Something made from a precious resource, for one brief use, only to fill up the land.
It’s not like I’m unaware of the frighteningly distorted way we live, our distressing disposable culture, but zooming in on this image was truly horrifying, and I understood that it is time to be done, really done, with plastic.
With plastic, with paper towels, with napkins, with things that only get to be used once.
And then….
Quitting paper towels and napkins turned out to be surprisingly easy.
I keep two cloth handkerchiefs in my bag, one is a napkin for everything, the other I use for things like opening bathroom doors.
And since I’m currently on a twelve day voyage/experiment anyway (Operation Adventures In Reverberation), and mostly staying in hotels where I’m not buying groceries, I decided to pretend that my hotel room doesn’t come with a waste basket, and to keep everything I would have thrown away in an envelope.
This was also easier than I thought it would be, and it turns out that most of my [non-food] waste is dental floss.
I am a passionate flosser, it might be one of the few things I allow myself to be addicted to, flossing always makes me feel better. And while I cut down from many times a day to twice a day, I can’t give up the habit and am not entirely sure I want to.
At the same time, this is plastic (which I don’t want in my mouth anyway), and it comes in a plastic package, and this is out.
So I’ve been researching alternatives and I don’t really like anything so far….
Options I’m looking at….
The most appealing substitute I’ve found so far is the thin Stim-u-dent sticks (the terrible name aside), however they seem to only make them mint-flavored, and I can’t stand anything with mint flavor unless it is actual real live mint leaves.
What else is there?
Radius makes a silk floss that comes in sachets — though ew to cranberry, why must things be flavored, and also not sure about silk for sustainability and production reasons.
Everywhere I look someone references Tom’s of Maine as an option, as far as I’m concerned it is not an option, they’re owned by Colgate-Palmolive, and I have never liked them, my whole body has a visceral no, I am allergic to their entire brand. And anyway, I want no plastic, and no packaging to throw out.
Some people use cotton quilting thread but it still has plastic spools.
And some people stop altogether (claiming it’s European style, though, having lived in Europe, this is not a particularly appealing option) or swap for swishing water, but that doesn’t help my addiction.
I am also open to alternative-flossing suggestions, as long as they don’t involve plastic, and you can actually move something between the teeth, not just poke a little.
What do I know about this wish?
It is partly about Less and it is partly about Congruence and it is partly about Sustainability and it is partly about Trust.
It is partly about aesthetics and partly about knowing my preference and partly about following my instinct and partly about being okay with living differently.
So, in short, it’s basically like all my wishes ever.
What else do I know about this?
My monster collective says that this is pointless and that it is far too-little-too-late for sustainable practices to be of use or meaning, and also that it isn’t relevant to my mission.
Except here’s what I know:
This is very relevant to my mission. Self-fluency is about caring for my internal kingdom, and the boundaries (and relationships) between internal and external worlds. Living in a way that is more congruent with how I want to be in the world, well, that is the mission.
And anyway, I am a historian and if I have learned anything from studying history it’s that social change comes from enough people being jostled and jolted into changing their opinions, and their behavior. And while people may change thoughts much faster than habits, it’s all important.
Also I thought figuring out toothpaste would be a nightmare, because I can’t stand the taste of baking soda, but I ended up getting this marvelous solution from Fat & The Moon, I love the taste and you really only need a drop or two on your toothbrush, so it lasts forever. Comes in a glass bottle. I recommend! So maybe lots of seeming challenges can be as easy to resolve as that was.
What else do I know about this?
It is so easy to get so overwhelmed and depressed by all of this, and then either obsess or not do anything, because who can even handle making all these changes.
I want to stay connected to qualities of lightness, buoyancy, groundedness, hope. I want to hold fast to the sweetness that is in here, because it is here, even when hard to see or remember.
And I really want to remember that I can make one or two small changes at a time, and each time this will be easier. Better to weave in change over time than to try to do everything and give up.
What do I really want?
Well, in addition to a viable substitute for flossing, I want ease and joy with making these changes.
I want to listen, really listen, to what my body knows.
It’s only taken a couple generations for plastic to become the unquestioned norm, this can be turned around, and it’s time, and I’m ready. Questioning norms and rewriting patterns and subverting the unexamined status quo when it needs to be subverted, that’s actually what self-fluency is all about.
What else do I know about this?
Trying counts. Experimenting counts. Noticing counts.
Like with all experiments, we do this without judgment and without shame. It’s a process. We try things. We notice what works. We tweak and revisit. We aren’t committed to one right way, we’re committed to the process.
Now.
In my living room with a Rally friend, typing away, drinking tea, feeling thankful.
Thank you for my wonderful noise-quieting headspace-protectors, my green scarf, free wifi, and the amazing thing that is the ability to get from Vancouver, BC to Portland, Oregon in a day. The modern, messy, problematic world has its beautiful conveniences, and I can say thank you for that too.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Going into thank you is always the right approach, you’re doing great.
Me: But maybe this is a stupid wish? Monsters think it’s pointless and extravagant.
She: Want what you want, beautiful girl. And anyway, your wishes always turn out to be important in hindsight, they have symbolic power that you don’t necessarily know about yet. Keep following the threads, keep listening to your wise instincts.
Clues?
I had a negotiation of sorts this week, and I was nervous about it. I decided to bring with me all the superpowers of roses, and I asked to get some clues to help me remember.
Well, when I got there, the person I had to deal with turned out to be named Daphne Flores — her first name and last name were flowers! And there was a gigantic bouquet on her desk.
We had a lovely, sweet, warm encounter that flowed easily. I got what I wanted, and she was gracious and helpful. Thank you, flowers. And now I am on my way to the City Of Roses for four whole days.
The superpower of I take care of myself first.
It is May!
The quality for April was ADVENTURE, and it came with the marvelous superpower of I have everything I need for this. The quality for May is REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first.
It is super interesting how much trouble I have with all aspects of I Take Care Of Myself First, and I can’t wait to find out what things are like when I am finally good at this.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka New moon…
I love how we weeks ago my wish was about new under the sun, and then last week it was about letting the moon lead, and now it is about earth, and desire, and my body.
This was an excellent wish for me. It helped me get outside every day, morning and evening, and really take the time to connect with the sky, in a sort of “hello, it’s me again” sort of way.
I’ve also been using an app to check in with the state of the moon, and just be reminded of the cycle.
Oh, and the full moon told me to Trust My Glow, which is the most marvelous piece of advice I have ever received, from anyone or anything.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 354: a pavilion for everything
It is Friday Thursday and we are here.
Publishing the Chicken on Thursday (twelve hours early?) because I might not have internet access until Sunday!
{a breath for today.}
What worked this week?
Path of least effort.
This involved going to bed at 8:30pm, wearing the same shirt every day because it made me happy, and solving problems by not solving them.
Next time I might…
Do more entry.
I like to say “enter as you wish to be in it”, mainly because when I enter something consciously, that changes how I am when I’m in it.
So here’s to beautiful transitions.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Oh just a tiny-not-tiny existential crisis about what I want to be doing with my life. A breath for remembering that it is safe to admit to myself what I want.
- In between. A breath for being okay with this.
- Something that usually brings me great joy is still very good for me, but I don’t feel the magical sparks this time. Also so many monsters about how all I want to do these days is sleep, eat and go for walks. A breath for trusting the process.
- Watching other people dance and wishing I was one of them. A breath for this.
- [Silent Retreat]. A breath for presence.
- Made it through six whole days without the beautiful boy without going crazy from missing him, and then it hit me with overwhelming intensity. A breath for remembering that I am enough, I am always enough, this moment is enough, love lives in my heart and anyone else who gets to be in my life is just a reflection of what I already have between me and myself, this is hard to remember.
- Apprehensive about some future ops. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Is there a word for the kind of acquaintance you run into every year or so, and you are disproportionately pleased to see each other, even though you both know that if the two of you actually lived in the same place you’d never, ever hang out because you don’t actually have anything to talk about? Sebastian falls into this exact category, and that was a lovely coincidence. A breath for lovely coincidences.
- Operation Adventures in Reverberation is a marvelous companion to Operation True Yes, and they are intricately related, and both vitally important to Shmita. A breath for seeing the connections, and being a bell.
- Monsters aside, I actually feel glowing pride about having devoted this week to sleeping and eating, and pretty much nothing else. Eleven hours of sleep at night, multiple naps. This might actually be my first ever relaxation-ONLY holiday that I can remember: not working, not writing, not problem-solving, not learning, not meeting people, not being social. Really just nothing. I know that this is what I need right now, and I don’t need to know why. I just need to trust it. A breath for how beautiful this is, whether I can see it or not.
- I remembered something I care about, something I’d forgotten for a very long time, and I feel excited about this. A breath for a new spark
- Missing my lover/companion-in-adventuring is sweet and delicious, as are the messages he sends me. A breath for treasure.
- Walking for hours by the water. I saw twenty porpoises and a whale, and lots of beautiful horizon. Morning walking with the sun and evening walking with the moon. Oh, and I got a message from the moon. It said, “Trust your glow”, and if that’s not moon magic, I don’t know what is. And a bridge that once spoke to me had nothing to say other than “no transmission at this time”, and then another bridge that had spoken to me once upon a time told me to stay committed to pleasure. A breath for getting quiet and listening.
- I visited a place this week, a place that has a lot of personal meaning for me, actually the spot of a huge turning point in my life. Heading there, I wondered if I’d even feel anything — it’s really just a falling-apart phone booth, would it mean anything to be there again or would it seem mundane and without magic. Much to my astonishment, that street corner and phone booth have become a garden, and the place where I decided to change my entire life is now marked with a plaque that calls it the Pavilion Of Transition. So, yeah, my life is still The Truman Show. A breath for being a grand adventuress under cover, and for laughter.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Sunflower seeds and macadamia nuts. Trusting my instincts. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I can honestly say that did absolutely nothing this week, and it was wonderful. So we will count that as a big win for the Mission of Less, and say a big WHAM BOOM to that. Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of not needing anything. Including the related superpowers of not needing to do anything or say anything or ask for anything.
Powers I want.
The superpower of delighting in small and big moments.
The Salve of Where Have You Not Been That You Would Like To Be.
Someone asked someone else this question this week, in a very specific context. This salve allows the deeper question to sink into your skin and become part of you.
This is a possibility salve, and it awakens all kinds of desires. It smells of clove and secret messages and the moment before the moment before the moment of yes.
When I wear this salve, I sleep wonderfully and dream of islands.
Where Have You Not Been That You Would Like To Be?
This salve is luscious, with undertones of trust, softening, wonder, delight and receiving, and it will make your feet feel slightly tingly, but in a good way.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of a very interesting conversation I overheard that started out as a very boring conversation, and it’s called That There Is A Meatball. Their latest album is called Just Meat And Ball. Or maybe Just Meet And Bawl. It was hard to tell from context, even though it shouldn’t have been. And they’re just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
I’ll Have What She’s Having. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Wish 304: Moon wishes
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Moon.
I’m on the eighth week of Shmita, my time of letting the fields be fallow, and Operation True Yes, living on the road in a truck/camper with a beautiful boy and a bunch of notebooks.
And my cycle is lined up with the moon, exactly.
The day of the new moon is the same day as First Sign North, what I call the first sign of blood, in the compass of my cycle.
And then two weeks later, ta da! Full moon: boom, we are ovulating, or as I prefer to call it, we are at Anchor South.
Cycles.
This is actually part of a bigger wish, called Loving Downstairs, aka the process of coming into a better relationship with my downstairs body parts, and all things related.
Particularly the less fun parts. Like the monthly bleeding thing, and the various not-particularly-fun side effects of being a Monthly Bleeder.
As I have been working with playing with this wish, one of the wonderful, surprising things has been new vocabulary and imagery for all things related to my cycle.
For one thing, imagining the cycle as a beautiful compass works way better for me than the word cycle. A compass is a navigational tool, and a way to passage. Less weighty than cycle.
And then having a compass allowed me to rename all the pieces: First Sign North is when I start Precipitating, and Anchor South sounds way more fun than ovulation.
I call the passage around the compass from north to south Easing, and the second half of the compass, south to north, is Releasing, forming the perfect monthly companion to my year of Easing & Releasing.
I would much rather be a practitioner of Easing & Releasing than think of myself as a Miserably Reluctant Monthly Bleeder, even though they are two sides of a compass-imprinted coin.
What do I want.
I am absolutely loving being all lined up with the moon.
Not even so much because of things earthy, witchy and magical (though yes, maybe!), but because good grief it is just so damn convenient.
When am I getting my period? Whenever it’s new moon. That is way more accurate than my stupid phone app, which used to be pretty good at predicting until I lost my phone and discovered that my backup wasn’t where I thought it was, and lost four years of accumulated data.
Now it’s so simple. Do I want to go to this dance convention? Oh, it’s happening over New Moon, when I will be sitting in a bathtub or curled up in a ball. So, no, that was easy.
Being on the same timeline as the moon is the best, this is what I want.
Soooo….
I’ve been reading up on this because really, who wouldn’t want to be synced with the moon if that’s an option?
I mean, especially for people (not me!) who want to make cupcakes, which is my latest metaphor for moving to Bolivia, because knowing when you ovulate is vital to the mission. But really for anyone whose body makes eggs and then releases them, it’s just useful — and interesting — to know what the body is up to and when.
Being on the very predictable moon schedule makes all of that so much easier.
I’d much rather just pay attention to the moon than take my temperature every day. And the tricky science of analyzing cervical fluid (speaking of things that need to be renamed, my god, let’s come up with a better name for that one) is not really as reliable as the moon either.
Apparently this used to just be the normal way of things, following the moon, and we have gotten lost, thanks to our disconnected lives, and there are lots of people trying to find their way back, and the information out there is contradictory and more than a little confusing.
For example.
For example, I have read in a number of places that being outdoors for twenty to thirty minutes a day helps.
Except I did that every day in Portland, and the moon and I were not on the same cycle at all.
And lots of people advocate only natural light, and not using devices or lights at night. But I’ve been taking notes on my phone or writing on my computer at night in the camper, and that hasn’t interfered with me and the moon getting it on, so to speak.
So I think this is one of those cases of a) People Vary, and b) we just don’t know enough about this.
Which means I need to figure out what works for me.
What can I put in my current working hypothesis, which I plan to continue to test over the next months of Operation True Yes aka six month road trip aka life on the road….
These are the things that seem to support me.
And what I mean by this is that they support both my general well-being, and my synced-up-with-the-moon deal.
All of this comes with an implied for me. People vary, and bodies vary and experiments vary, and I have no interest in trying to imply that this is what is right for everyone. This is a jumping-off point.
- It is really, vitally important for me to be outdoors in nature. Not the city kind of outdoors where there are trees but also houses and people. I mean the kind of outdoors where you can’t see evidence of stuff. No buildings or signs or reminders. Deeply outdoors. The more this happens, the better. For me.
- Being actively outdoors, whether that’s walking in the hills for an hour or doing yoga in the grass or general frolicking or standing on a rock and doing secret spirals, which is what I’ve been doing lately. These things are good for me
- Seeing the sky at night. Whether that’s because I’m out at night Peeing Like A Boy with my cool device, or if that’s sitting in bed in the camper with my lover, under the open skylight and looking up at the moon and stars.
- Quiet time with my body.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. While I don’t particularly like the bleeding thing or any of the side effects, I can be appreciative about the creative power inside of this body that I have been given, and I can let this be a door into a different relationship with my body.
What else do I know about what I want?
I want to run more experiments, explore, stretch, find out what I can do to support sharing a cycle with the moon, see what works for me.
Maybe there are ways I can still have the elements and qualities of this even at times when I need to be in a city. Though to be honest, city is seeming pretty unappealing to me right now for more than a few days at a time for a special occasion.
I want this to be my cycle.
I want to be someone who is friends with the moon. I want to know what the moon is up to, and what my body is up to, and to trust in the connection, like in dance.
I want to close my eyes, trust, feel, follow.
If the moon knows how to lead, why would I want to live in any other way, why would I not want to be in the connection, if that’s an option?
And how is it that I’ve been [precipitating] each month for decades and didn’t know I could be doing this together with the moon? How is it that I’ve put up with not-knowing, shocked when it shows up four days early or frustrated when it’s five days late, when I can live my life in a way that makes this compass cycle entirely predictable?
Why didn’t anyone tell me?!
Anything else about this?
Lots of things right now that fall into the category of Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me.
This is a useful and worthy mystery to investigate.
And what if it’s okay that no one told me? Maybe now is the exact right time for me to be arriving at this.
What else do I know about this?
There are so many related wishes.
For example, I am setting off on Operation Adventures In Reverberation, a twelve day solo voyage where I intend to do even more nothing than I am currently doing on sabbatical, to get very quiet, to listen, to receive new intel.
The moon is as good a guide as any for this.
I am also interested in the mystery of This Thing That Seems Like A Curse, What If It’s Not A Curse, which is related to the mystery of If A Curse Is Lifted, How Can You Tell?
And these are also good mysteries to take to the moon. Last year when I was at the Vicarage, the moon was a big clue for me. So I now have a two week voyage between full moon and new moon, let’s see what I get.
Now.
I am at the home of some friends of my lover. Their youngest boy, who is three, just noticed my bright red toenails, and got very excited about them. He told me that pink is his favorite color and that as soon as he is four, he can have pink toenails too, right, mom?
His mom said, you can have them now. And then he curled up in the tiniest ball like a hedgehog.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Waxing and waning. Filling and emptying. More and less.
Me: Oh right, I don’t need to get annoyed about not being at full energy all the time, because that’s ridiculous and our culture is ridiculous.
She: Yup. Trust your culture. Cultivate the culture of your kingdom, and don’t worry about the rest.
Clues?
I got locked out of the camper while we were in a parking lot, and walked to the nail salon a polish change and mostly for the air conditioning. I decided I wanted a knock-your-socks-off red, and the first bottle I picked up was called Red Hot Rio.
Brazil is always a clue for me. And at Rally, we used to sing a sea shantey called Away, Rio, which is the song of embarking on a voyage.
And then even though I knew this color was my yes, both the color and the name, it was like I couldn’t trust that, so I picked up another color to compare. That color was called Nice Color, Eh, which is such a boring name I instantly realized how silly it is to try to find a better clue than the one I’d just been given.
Oh, and also on the day I decided this was my wish, we ended up in Half Moon Bay.
The superpower of I take care of myself first.
It is May!
The quality for April was ADVENTURE, and it came with the marvelous superpower of I have everything I need for this. The quality for May is REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first.
May it be so.
This is what I need to remember in my moon investigations, this is what will bring me closer to the moon.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka New under the sun…
This was an excellent wish. When I was in Sacramento, I stopped by the co-op and picked up a bottle of wheat germ oil, which, I learned this week, has an SPF of 20.
It has a bit of an orangey tint that gives a surprisingly lovely warm glow to the skin, it’s very moisturizing, and so far it is doing the job of a sunscreen, so I am now officially saying screw you forever to all commercial sunscreen products. YEAH!
It also launched a frenzied investigation into all the other things I can release and replace, and I met a lot of monsters of the variety of “ugh you’re going to become a preachy zero waste homesteader who only blogs about things like making almond milk in a mason jar, and everyone will hate you and you will be boring and depressed”, and I also learned that I have BIG JOY SPARKS OF YES about this mission.
It is part of the mission of Less, and part of the mission of easing and releasing, and I am so glad I started with sunscreen. First sun and then moon. We are moving towards the stars.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox