What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 297: Gathering Stars
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
My wish.
I have a wish about tracking, and tracking things, which is something I really want to do except oh good lord how I hate tracking things.
Do not want! This could use some rather urgent metaphor mousing. That will allow us to either change the word we use for [tracking], or alter the meaning so that the current word becomes usable and no longer coated in stickiness.
What do I know about my current relationship with [Tracking]?
Does the word carry negative charges/associations? Oh wow, so many, they actually come in sets.
Set 1: Guilt, should, expectations, stupid homework assignments from courses, things like food journals or financial spreadsheets. Feeling bad for not doing it but genuinely not wanting to do it, not only because of resistance, though also, yes, resistance.
Set 2: Predatory behavior, someone is hunting and someone is hunted. Tracking makes me tense.
Set 3: What I call “boy brain”, by which I mean the mentality of ass in chair, push push push, measure measure measure, go go go. That entire worldview, and its charts and graphs and empty jargon of optimize and strategize, efficiency buzzwords. Ten year overviews, comparison. Wholly disconnected from actual desire and joy sparks. Planning and being caught up in analyzing a possible future, and forgetting about now, forgetting about the fisherman.
Triplicate.
The image I get is of my former boss, the CEO of a company I worked at in a northern suburb of Tel Aviv, who liked things to be filed in triplicate.
He was always looking for more ways to be More Efficient (while still maintaining maximum pedantic bullshit), except these ways invariably involved more of my time and energy, piling on stress to my already overwhelming days. Months later I later learned eight previous occupants of my position had all quit after a week or two.
I have always thought sticking it out pointed either to my desperation or my toughness, or a combination of both.
Looking at it now though, from here, I think it may also have something to do with how worn down my self-respect was at that point in my life, so much so that I had convinced myself that taking abuse was a sign of strength.
So, for very obvious reasons, I very much do not want any of that. No wonder I have aversion to tracking numbers.
Let’s look at what I do want.
I think the main difference between what I want and don’t want is that the don’t want is a should, and comes with judgment, and what I want comes from genuine curiosity and presence, from wonder and love.
What are the elements of this?
Peacefulness. Ease. All the intel is readily available for me so I can make good decisions.
Abundance: a richness of useful data points is treasure. Sweetness. Ritual. I do this out of joy, for joy. I am not obligated to collect this intel.
Oh, la’asof. Gathering like harvesting. Like a joyful harvest. It is seasonal. There is a purpose for it. It has to do with fields and ripening, I am a gatherer, in nature.
I picture my beloved orchards during ktifa, when it is the time of picking, it means plucking, which is kind of a sexy word.
Yes. Joyful harvest is much better than tracking. How do I make this into a verb that works for me. In Hebrew I would be fine with osefet or kotefet, but I don’t like harvesting as a word in English so much. Let’s just say gathering. Gathering Data Points.
Hmm. Let’s find a sexier word for data points. I do like points. They are like stars. Mapping constellations…ah, yes, I am gathering star points.
Gathering Star Points.
This is exciting!
Now to figure out which Star Points I want to gather, where I want to gather them, and how I want to do this. I know for sure I want to gather the following Star Points:
1) Shmita/True Yes tuition.
Tuition is the word I have chosen to use for the cost of Shmita, my sabbatical time.
I get stressed out thinking about the expenses of it, in all ways. Not working. Cost of living. And yet, this is the tuition for going through this masters program of my own invention, where I learn the things I need to learn. It is a worthy thing to invest in tuition for certain kinds of learning, and so this is the right word.
Now I’m noticing monsters griping about how I didn’t track the (outrageously expensive) provisioning, and they are whispering numbers and wagging their fingers.
So you know what? Let’s just say AMNESTY to that. We are just here to gather star points vis a vis the tuition of Operation True Yes itself, without judgment. And we are not going to count the things we did to get ready. Ta da, it is decided.
2) Whatsit on Shmita
Whatsit is a form of shhhh working out. It brings me great joy, and lets me practice being a gazelle, which calms me down enough to help me pass as a functioning adult.
I don’t have rules about how much I do this practice, I am just curious about what the amount is that seems to lead to the greatest amount of joy in my body.
3) Time given to The Fluent Self and the Secret Sword Society.
I do not want to be accompanied by time monsters poking me about how long everything takes or how I should be doing less (or more!). This is just to know.
For example. How long does it actually take, on average, to edit and format a blog post that has already been written? I know I usually estimate twenty minutes and then am surprised (every time) when it takes over an hour.
Hmm, possible challenge here: writing time seems intrinsically different from Fluent Self work, except often writing my way through a personal process turns into a post. For example, this Very Personal Ad post started as internal investigating in my journal.
On the other hand, I think I can feel the difference in my body between when I’m using my creative mind to process for me, vs blogging/editing mode.
Do I want to use software to gather star points? No, just ballpark.
And where do I want to store these star points?
Oh! The shinto gate. Yes. Perfect.
The shinto gate.
The red shinto gate is an image in my beloved Paperless app, which lets you assign an icon to each list.
I only use red icon images in Paperless, and blue icon images in Paperless Lite, because I like the way this looks, and lalala don’t want to talk about it, interesting…
Let’s see. My body was having a very positive reaction to the gate.
I get a really strong yes about both the gate image in general, and about using it for this particular project. The redness! The gate-ness! The power of walking through it. The red shinto gate that was at the space that almost became the Playground.
The gate is a sign for me in a big way.
But then when I imagined people reading my post here and learning that I make red lists and blue lists, my body instantly tensed, a tightening in my stomach and in my throat. What my friend Alon calls the glitch, aka the advance warning radar system.
Hmm. I’m going to need to process that, so for now what if we just seed, along with this bigger wish, another wish to explore later….
(Tiny secret wish!)
This wish is about having a more empowered relationship with all things OCD, like, a pride parade for this. And, by the way, screw the D.
There is nothing disordered about it, it’s just delight in choosing order, at least from my point on the spectrum, and I want to celebrate how much I love placing things in a pleasing order!
Maybe that can be the D.
Or, even better:
Order * Congruence * Delight!
Yeah! Except I still feel awkward and uncomfortable with people knowing this about me, and possible judgment/consequences.
Okay, interesting and noted! How can I make this safe to share here?
Let’s make a safe room for Tiny Me, who feared getting locked up, or that one or both of my parents would be locked up and taken away.
What do I know about what I want?
My wishes today are about making the tools of the external world work with the way my internal world actually is.
It’s about finding the awe and the glowing sparks in the mundane. And changing how I do things to allow for maximum delight and presence.
Now.
I am in the truck. The beautiful boy is driving, we are smiling, a lot. His hand is on my arm, and for a moment I am envious that he can go through life tracking things and not have to rewrite the world, but then I am happy for him, and happy for me, and we are driving past rows of fruit trees, close to where I used to live.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: You are a grand adventurer, of course star gathering is the next skill to develop, this is wonderful.
Me: Anything you want me to know about this?
She: Do not doubt your abilities. Do not regret your sensitivities. Love the constellations as you gather the stars.
Clues?
As we set off on Operation True Yes, the radio started up. It’s hooked up to my lover’s ipod, and a Tim Ferris podcast was playing, and I was like, ugh this is not joy sparks, so I paused it, but the name flashed on the display, like an anti-joy-spark banner.
Except then I remembered that Mr Ferris did write about a four hour work week, which is about FREEDOM, the entire point of this op, and also approximately how many hours I am okay with giving to work stuff while on the road. So I decided to let it be a good clue, even though I still have no desire to listen to it.
The superpower of delighting in plenty
The quality for March is RECEIVE, with the superpower of delight in plenty.
Gathering Stars is a wonderful op to embark on in a month of delighting in plenty! This is so perfect I just clapped my hands when I thought of it.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka and we’re off..
I had three wishes. One had to do with receiving good wishes, one was about being Well-Provisioned and the relationship between Joyful Spontaneity and Beautifully Prepared, and the third was about an app that is maybe not an app.
Feeling good about all of these, and I solved the app (another tracking thing) with a shared google doc that we are just keeping open on our computers even when we’re offline. We can copy it into a text file if we are somewhere without internet access.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
If you want a Playground mug with a pack of stone skipping cards inside it: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Just send a note and we’ll set it up. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 346: brilliantly reckless
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Changing passwords.
Partly because I got a hit from Incoming Me that the time for this is now, and after not listening to her on the credit cards, I think-hope I’ve learned my lesson.
And partly because I realized that a password I use often is like a door. And why would I not want my doors (and my passages through them) to be beautiful, congruent, harmonious, and generally reflect how I want to be in the world.
Now whenever I log into things I smile with delight.
Turning off notifications.
Yes!
Next time I might…
Pause, breathe, say thank you.
This week I noticed that I would mysteriously forget the good, even though good things are right there in front of me, waiting for me to smile at them.
So. Thank you.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- As a friend of mine says, the strategy of “wait it out and hope things get better” is not particularly effective. The sovereign thing to do is to keep checking in, ask for status updates, and not fear being a squeaky wheel. My long-standing pattern of I Don’t Want To Be a PLB (pissy little bitch, long story) gets in the way. A breath for strength, sustenance, and (quietly) making some noise.
- Related: it’s been two weeks since I made a very firm request of someone, and they have not responded. A breath for the perfect simple solution.
- Packing is fraught. For me. Preparing for a six month road trip more so. No small feat to balance Elegant Minimalism with Be Prepared For Anything, with I Am A Devoted Wild Sensualist, with I Am A Formerly Homeless Person Who Likes Visible Evidence Of Plenty. A breath for trust, and remembering that I am held.
- This week did not include much sleep, and now my body is complaining, rightfully so. A breath for taking care of myself, and for making peace with the fact that what I need is what I need.
- Second-guessing everything. A breath for standing in my strength.
- A year and four months ago, during rally, incoming me acquired a gift for me. To say I liked it is an understatement. I liked it so much that it scared me, and immediately hid it in my closet. This week it was time to bring it into the light. This was important, and not easy. A breath for safe passage.
- Frustration with so many things. With institutions, ingrained patterns, outrageous sexism (and all the -isms and -phobics and -shaming) and how this is everywhere, both in the sense that it is built in, and in the sense that it pops up, and is exhausting and stupid, and yet still mysteriously invisible to those who don’t directly experience it, A breath for undoing, and for bridges.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- For the first time ever, the spring time change didn’t mess with me, and was funny instead of traumatic. I have not-fun memories related to Sudden Time Change Sprung (ha, pun) On Me, including the time I was late to an exam at university in Tel Aviv, and the entire lecture hall laughed at me. No one believed me because the time change had happened a week earlier, and I hadn’t known. Being disbelieved is the most painful thing for me. This year, I forgot, as I do every year. Took a nap at 7:30pm only to wake up six hours later. Set a timer to go off X hours later for a breakfast rendezvous. Woke up on my own at the exact right time, completely baffled to see there was another hour left on the timer. Took a while to put the pieces together but I laughed. And for once not feeling jet-lagged, maybe thanks to fourteen hours of sleep? A breath for rewriting.
- Speaking of curses being lifted, the beautiful boy made it his mission in life to reverse my birthday curse, and it really was the loveliest day. Offline. Out in the woods on a glorious spring day. Delicious pizza sans gluten (how is that even possible). Kisses and sweetness. Writing notes with Incoming Me. Tea with my favorite uncle. And then, as described, bed at 7:30pm, because being thirty eight is exhausting, apparently. A breath for pure, sweet, unconditional joy.
- Brunch with Luke the Noir Gunslinger, getting caught up on all the machinations of Blakely’s henchmen. A breath for friendship.
- My knee is steadily doing better. It was able to go on hikes (with a brace), and my balance is better. Sitting is still not fun, and I’m still being pretty careful, but things are moving, in all senses of that. A breath of love for my body.
- I expected leaving for six month road trip would provoke the most intense of identity crises, but mainly I feel excited. This seems like a brilliantly reckless and irresponsible thing to be doing at thirty eight years old, while other people are doing adult things like jobs, kids, goals. In the meantime my big plan is: DO LOTS OF NOTHING AND BE OUTDOORS. Turn inward, get quiet and peaceful, follow each tiny yes, see what happens. And I’m weirdly fine with this. A breath for Marvelously Unfazed, the superpower I always want.
- Embarking on Operation True Yes aka Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months on the road. It is happening! We took off last night for California. A breath for Shmita and this grand adventure.
- I caught myself in a hilarious lie, and realized that I have been telling a story about how I don’t know anything about how to resolve Situation X, when in fact I am practically the world expert on resolving Situation X, and no one is more qualified than I am to do this mission. A breath for remembering, and for listening to the things I tell myself.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Brunch with Marisa. Passing notes with Incoming Me. Sweetness-laced wisdom from my lover when I was falling apart. Richard took me on a hundred errands. Days are longer. The magnolias and forsythia are just obscenely luscious right now. I love the Secret Sword Society so much! Discarding things that are no longer my yes. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I am retooling the Provisioning Map (packing list) based on what I learned this week. The errands happened and the packing happened, and I made it! Oh, and an addiction broke (like a fever breaking, not like a limb), and I did not engage in pellet-pushing this week. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
Oh, Barrington!
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of This Moment Is Right, and the related power of Looking Up At The Precise Moment To See The Clues.
Powers I want.
The power of Letting Go Of This Is No Big Deal.
The Salve of No Big Deal.
This salve features Katy Perry saying, bring the beat back.
It eases headaches, soothes worries, and has a bubbly, fun, pink feel to it. It’s like something you’d run into on Adventure Time.
When I wear this salve, I stop being impressed by my fuzzball monsters, and I remember that actually I am okay, and things are okay, and the story hasn’t unfolded yet, so let’s kick back and watch to see what happens.
It has a clean, clear citrus scent, it is impatient with unnecessary cobwebs (as opposed to the kind in my uncle’s house, which are absolutely necessary), and it makes me think of the word uplifting, and realize that I never properly understood it before.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from my friend Luke, and it’s called The Technician, their latest album is The Map of Suspicious Weird Things, they play wistful ballads on banjoes and ukuleles, and, as it turns out, they’re actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
Two wonderful playground companions, Momo and Shmulik are still available for adoption.
They are fuzzy, friendly, and very helpful. You put a mason jar inside with water for drinking, or snacks for snacking, and your marvelous provisions are in disguise, because everyone just thinks you have a very friendly monster.
They attach to your bag with clips, or hide inside your bag to surprise you. When unzipped, they grin wildly. Each has a hidden pocket inside for post-it notes or treasure.
$12 each + $5.95 shipping/handling or both for $18 + $12.65 shipping/handling.
And, as always, I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
The emptying out
Five years ago I was in the middle of my long search for a Playground.
Well, for a space to hold my Playground, the center I wanted to open.
Found it we did, through a very cool miracle which I will tell you about some other time, and those five-rooms-and-a-galley became the ground (and the play!) for the most incredible, miraculous, spark-filled moments of my life.
And now it is the end. Which is to say the beginning of all that comes next.
The Playground is empty, though not any less magical for that. It is just as charged up with love and presence and grace as it always was.
Have you ever walked into a cathedral and gasped quietly, because the air inside is so different? The Playground is like that. It’s holy, but it’s also playful.
I’ve never been anywhere like it.
Help me empty as I remember this space.
As I said the other day, while making wishes about newness and following the beautiful signs, pieces of Playground have taken over my dining room table, and I need some help with the emptying.
So I want to let you know about a few special items for sale, in case you happen to want them.
And maybe this will also be a way to share some Playground moments, so that you can feel what it was, this space I loved so much.
Playground treasure.
The sparkly hedgehog.
This hedgehog has had many names. For a while we thought he might be a vampire (because he sparkles, in the light).
He makes an excellent schmurphle. Schmurphling is a thing we do at Rally, it is very fun, and one part of it involves doing a terrible job of tossing an object towards someone (the idea is that you always miss), and the thing that gets tossed is the schmurphle.
He is charming, vivacious, wise, holds many clues, and is strangely comforting for a hedgehog. Plus he has all the superpowers of herringbone print, and of things that aren’t supposed to sparkle but do anyway.
Yours for $10 SOLD.
The wall of clues.
At the Playground we had a wall with eight beautiful prints in eight beautiful frames.
If you own the BORK — the Book of Rally Keys — you have seen a photocopied version of these, designed for us.
Each print gives you a way to interact with your project (even if you don’t know what your project is yet).
I don’t want to ship these with frames, because it will be too heavy. If you’re in Portland though and want to pick them up, let me know – $8 each, all eight for $40!
Otherwise we are just selling the prints without the frames: $6 each + $2.50 shipping/handling or all eight for $38 + $5.75 shipping/handling.
The purplest cat.
This is a lavender-pink cat with dark purple stripes, who is always in a good mood.
This cat was invariably found hanging out at the edge of someone’s project circle, poised to leap.
Very friendly, playful nature, surprisingly wise. $10 SOLD.
Froggy!
I have no words for how much I love this frog.
One year we used a photo of this frog in the calendar, and another year it was the default profile avatar in our online community.
It’s really hard to be around a magical frog and not instantly be in a better mood.
I will bestow at least 100 kisses on that green head before saying goodbye.
$20 SOLD.
Pirate cushion!
These are small, like throw pillows (12 x 12″) and so cheerful.
We have three of them, and they turn any space into a playground-ey one.
$8 each + $5.95 shipping/handling or all three for $20 + $12.65 shipping/handling.
Or if you’re in Portland, you can skip shipping and pick them up of course.
The best pigs ever.
One pig is called Rosie and the other pig is called Rex.
Both of them are so soft and so sweet, and while I used to be conflicted about piggies (Conflicted About Piggies, fake band of the week?), these two helped me change my mind.
I love these guys so much. $12 each + $12.65 shipping/handling or both for $18 + $12.65 shipping/handling.
Momo and Shmulik.
These wonderful creatures are actually water bottle holders. You can hide a mason jar inside of them, and they also have a sweet little pocket in the head.
When their mouths are unzipped, they look slightly wild, and they are always smiling. $12 each + $5.95 shipping/handling or both for $18 + $12.65 shipping/handling.
The tiniest handmade buttmonster!
It’s practically a pocket buttmonster. As you can see from the photo, this little guy fits in your hand, and there is also a photo of its adorable squooshy butt.
This buttmonster is also wearing a button that says cats are whores and can’t read.
I’m not sure what the story is there, but this probably happened at Rally, so it’s just one of those things.
The only buttmonster of its kind, I have never seen one anywhere near this small!
$15 SOLD
How to acquire these things!
Contact the first mate and tell him what you want!
Goodbyes.
I have so many memories of sweetness from the Playground. Watching green firefly stars swim through the ceiling vents. Soaring blissful moments of opening up, and grounded, steady, trust-filled landing.
I am thinking about that startling joyful sound of someone suddenly bursting into epiphany-giggles from the hammock behind the orange curtain in the Refueling Station.
I’m smiling about blanket forts and project circles, graffiti on the mast, picnics on the floor.
And, of course, I’m hearing the humming from all the times we hummed our way out together, humming the rally hum, which is how we always exit on the last day of Rally.
So hum with me today, if you like. I would love the company, as I make my way out of this space and set off on the next beautiful (and grand!) adventure in the desert.
Wish 296: and we’re off!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
I have three wishes this week.
Three wishes, and I suspect they are all related, except I don’t exactly know how yet.
Fairy godmother blessings.
Before my birthday, I asked the Secret S-Word Society to glow fairy-godmother wishes for me and for my incoming year. I liked how that felt, that desire.
It is a wish about knowing that I am held in a circle of pure qualities: joy, love, adoration, presence, and grace. And not needing anything more than the reminder that these qualities are available to me at all times.
It is a way of preparing for the voyage.
And then I was offline on my birthday, and when I came back to visit this world of links-and-pixels, there were so many wishes and blessings for me.
These are the qualities.
Here are the qualities and delights people wished for me, on the Book of Face, and on the Switch/Swoop:
Enjoyment. Health. Vitality. Adoration. All wishes come true.
Light. Laughter. Dance. Peace. Companionship. Stillness. Merriment. Joy.
Relaxation. Love. People who make you smile. Gwishes come true, today and all days.
Serenity. Sweetness. Calm. Wisdom. Beauty. The language of bridges.
Ease. Discovery. Possibility. Celebration. Recharging. Renewal. Refreshment. Secret delights.
Magic. Victuals. Vivacity. Bells. Invitations. Bubblicious Bubble Bubbles.
Panache. Happiness. A million glittering sparklepoints. All things wonderful.
And Bill Weasley, handsomely scruffy curse-breaking specialist. Amen to that.
I want to really feel the power of this. The power of these wishes.
Landing.
Rachel Naomi Remen describes blessings as airplanes waiting to land. As if there is this moment when you say YES, and then all the good wishes that have been hovering in your orbit, waiting to be received, can finally come in.
My wish is about saying a clear, warm, welcoming YES to these fairy godparent blessings, and for the just-right filter that takes in only the qualities, the beautiful essence, without any energy or stuff that might be attached to any of the wishes.
My wish is about being a bell of appreciation and gratitude, humming love, really allowing myself to receive all this beautiful goodness, and knowing how fortunate I am to have such loving people in my life, and to live in a time when we can share this love, instantaneously, in the form of words, from all over the world, it is amazing.
My second wish.
I am embarking this week on a six month voyage of discovery, in the form of a road trip in a small camper, with a boy I like and a lot of notebooks.
Well, I plan to be discovering for much longer than that, but the first half of my Shmita year will be on the road, or at least that is the plan right now.
My wish is for ease and delight on this trip, and for this embarking. To receive all the qualities and birthday wishes, and let them be the companions for voyaging. I wish for a peaceful and well-provisioned exit/entry. And to feel Wildly Confident while finishing up the last-minute packing.
And a big part of this wish has to do with planning, and the relationship between Joyful Spontaneity and Beautifully Prepared. The former is (for me) about FREEDOM, and the latter about SAFETY and feeling anchored.
Which leads me to the third wish, which is for an app, but really for a peaceful heart, because all wishes about things/solutions are never about that but always about the desire for safety, love, and peaceful kingdoms.
The third wish.
I am somewhat overwhelmed with keeping track of what we know about our voyage on the road.
New intel keeps coming in. My lover has racing days and track days and a canyoneering adventure with a friend. There are dance conventions we want to hit. I have my witchy retreats and my pole dancing classes (that’s a proxy, though I would also be down for actual pole dancing classes).
Anyway, there are a lot of constantly updating variables. I want to be able to see all the information, in one place, and to share this with my traveling companion so that we can both update. And something that is easy to use on a phone.
My ideal solution would be an app that has a calendar function or can sync with google calendar.
I have also looked at things like Trello and Wunderlist, except the language of these things tends to be so…I want to say it sounds like it comes from boy brain, which isn’t really nice, but what I mean is TASKS and To-Do Items, and these incredibly boring and stressful-sounding things are then ASSIGNED to people, with DEADLINES. Yuck.
It is all super depressing, since what I want, both in my life in general, and specifically for sabbatical mode aka clear head aka Rosh Tzalul, is not having any of those things.
Speaking of clarity, let me be very clear.
To be honest, I don’t even want to live in the same world where those things exist.
That whole make-it-happen get-things-done ass-in-chair mentality is the opposite of what I am interested in.
I want to let projects and desires be revealed, not to make them happen. To explore, not to dictate. To be wonderfully surprised by everything I discover while following trails, not bulldozing my way from predetermined Point A to predetermined Point B.
So I realize it may be hard to find something that on the one hand falls into the category of “project management” but is also not so finger-wagging about Doing Things.
If that is possible, I would like it.
If not, then I will take an app my traveling companion and I can use to plot our course, and share details about what we might want to be doing when.
Tell me if you have ideas! Recommendations and suggestions are welcome.
What do I know about what I want?
These wishes are all about trust, joy, delight, and order.
They are about taking active steps (sovereignty!) to make sure I am taken care of, and that my kingdom is taken care of, while at the same time knowing that no matter what happens, All Is Well and I will be okay.
Now.
I am at Svevo’s. Svevo is my uncle, and the most sovereign person I know.
He takes three naps before lunch.
He does what he wants when he wants, does not care at all what anyone else thinks about that, and manages to be kind, gentle and loving without going into caretaking mode. He never tries to change anyone. Animals and small children follow him around.
His house is just like him: peaceful, steady, quiet.
Everything is wood or metal or wool or woven from straw. Plastic doesn’t really have a place here. There are no curtains and you see green of trees in every direction.
I am sitting in his favorite rocking chair, eating hazelnuts from a wooden bowl, and I think, as I always do when I am here, who could possibly need more than this.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Isn’t it wonderful that you went through [all the things from the past few years] so that you could get here to this? Isn’t it marvelous that your big business venture/dream crashed and flailed-with-an-l, so that nothing is keeping us from committing to freedom and grand adventures.
Me: (smiles)
She: It seemed at the time like it was a disaster to receive a NO in the face of all your big goals and wishes, and yet those NOs brought you to this big YES. And now you realize that if you had those things, you’d now need to divest of them to be able to follow this yes. And if they were successful, you might have a hard time justifying letting them go. So much freedom. So much sweet, beautiful freedom. Every single NO was treasure. Not rejection, not about you, not about failure, not about anything. Just setting you up to be free in this moment to pursue this.
Clues?
A sign with an image of a BELL on it, then bells from a belltower ringing as I arrived at my uncle’s house.
And then a license plate that said YES.
The superpower of delighting in plenty
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar was APPRECIATE and the superpower was I See Beauty Everywhere.
Now we are in March, and the quality is RECEIVE, with the superpower of delight in plenty.
Hmm. It seems like this is so much easier for me to do when I am in a state of not-doing. So I think even though my Shmita year might means less coming in, it will be easier for me to discern and to delight. To recognize plenty and appreciate it.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, not a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Things I find helpful when working with intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka bell exits / exit bells…
My wish was to become a playground. I have been conducting and writing in notebooks, and generally bringing more playground into my life. And I quit three things that were keeping me from being in bell state, and this is new and exciting, and I hope it sticks.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
If you want a Playground mug with a pack of stone skipping cards inside, I believe we have two mugs left: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Just send a note and we’ll set it up. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 345: it was in the closet this whole time
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Celebrating the invisible wins.
This week wasn’t so much about what got done as it was about giving myself a hundred billion sparklepoints for not hiding.
Given all the big stuff going on for me right now — exiting the playground, my home, and my city, figuring out what I want to do and where I want to live, knee injury, my relationship with writing and dance, what if six months in a tiny camper with the boy I like ruins our beautiful sexy NARBAR (Not A Relationship / Better than A Relationship), what if I don’t have the things I need, what is my plan for money if I’m not working aaaaaaah scary, and what if I don’t get anything accomplished on sabbatical (which is hilarious, because not-accomplishing is the point) and what if I sit with the void and get no answers and come back poor and knowing nothing (even more hilarious, because look how many answers I got on the six weeks in the desert), or what if I get too many answers and they scare me (my love, you will get the just right answers in the just right timing), etc etc…
Well, given all this, I think I am doing okay.
Amazingly, I did not spend this week hiding under the covers or watching all the cop shows on Hulu (though if I did, that would be legitimate and understandable).
The monsters are of the opinion that not hiding in bed isn’t an “accomplishment”. No. I say it is. I did things this week that were not hiding when I had every reason to hide!
And I gave myself a hundred trillion sparklepoints every time I didn’t hide. Also when I did hide, because hiding is choosing safety, and this is important.
Next time I might…
Light the candles.
And all other forms of [enjoy this now instead of saving it for some later date that I deem more worthy].
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The last day of Playground. Farewell, sweet playground, love of my life. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. A breath for walking out the door — the magical door — of my favorite place in the world for the very last time.
- My knee is still on and off. It likes to walk again, which is wonderful, however it finds sitting in any position to be painful. It’s pretty much only happy when I’m moving. This makes it hard to write. A breath for trust, patience, healing.
- Waiting to hear back from [person] about [situation], and feeling distress about this. A breath for remembering that we both want the same thing: to be heard, to be safe, to find a good solution.
- Ahahahahahaha how do you pack for half a year on the road when you don’t really know where you’ll be going or what you’ll be doing but you definitely won’t be places where you can acquire certain things should you need them. A breath for trust, trust, trust, trust and more trust, and for the superpower of I Am A Grand Adventuress who does things In A Grand Fashion.
- Monsters criticizing me from all sides in a gigantic Monster Wedding. The groom’s side, which is all about How Come You’re Not Resting You’re Supposed To Be On Sabbatical Look At You Doing Stupid Work Crap All The Time, and then the bride’s family which is more like No You Need To Focus And Get Shit Done You Are Leaving For SIX MONTHS In A Couple Of Days And You Aren’t Even Packed And You Have No Plan And This Is A Disaster. Gigantic monster wedding! A breath for how stressful (and confusing) this is.
- Old patterns and habits, and the need to push for pellets when I know that pellet-pushing does not bring me joy. A breath for me.
- Bureaucratic nightmare with healthcare provider sucked up six hours of this week. I’m paying double, because of a mistake that is not mine, and they won’t refund, and I’ve spent way too much time sorting it out, and they are gaslighting me so hard, saying they have no record of letters they sent me, but claiming to have sent a letter that said the opposite. A breath for safe passage, and for trying new things in the video game.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Spent the weekend with my lover after our eight days apart, and it was full of sweetness. And now we will get to have this sweetness every day on the road. A breath for smiling like dopes.
- My knee feels really good when I’m walking, no more twinges. Stairs are better. I can bounce and even jump (gingerly). As long as I don’t sit for very long, it’s good. This is big improvement. A breath of love for my body.
- The beautiful boy cleared out the Playground for me. A breath of deep appreciation and gratitude, full heart of joy.
- Amazingly, I did not fall apart this week. Not even sure how that happened given all that was going on. A breath for miracles.
- The Switch aka the Swoop aka the Secret Sword Society. A breath for how wonderful it is.
- Leaving for Operation True Yes aka Operation Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months on the road. It is happening! We were supposed to leave yesterday for Eugene but there was a situation, so now this happens today. Going to spend my birthday tomorrow with the beautiful boy and with Svevo, my favorite uncle (favorite everything), and with some of my favorite trees. Then we will be back in Portland for a few days to take care of some last missions, and then we are on the road. So we get a long slow sexy entry into Shmita, which is exactly what I needed. A breath for this grand adventure.
- Each week in the Wishes aka Very Personal Ads, I plant a wish called Past Me Is A Genius. This helps me recognize the treasure in past experience, and remember that even the decisions I doubt and second-guess were right, because they gave me intel about what I don’t want. This week the shower curtain liner ripped, and I remembered how it took forever to research an eco-friendly, PVC-free, not plasticky-smelling, inexpensive solution, but couldn’t remember how I solved this. Guess what? Turns out past me bought a replacement, a spare, and I forgot about it. It was hiding in the linen closet, and tumbled out while I was packing towels for the trip. A breath for remembering that I am provided for, and sometimes it is even me doing the providing.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Amye took me on an op! Danielle and I got Regrounded. Someone knocked at the door at night and I didn’t fall apart this time. I used ten pound weights, and my arms said okay for three minutes! Warm, friendly, helpful people have been assisting me in the healthcare op. The cherry blossoms and daffodils and even early magnolia blossoms: so pretty. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I somehow did all the things, without falling apart. The provisions have been acquired. The dates have been set. The Provisioning Map (packing list). And we are off! And by off, I mean, leaving town, but I also mean time off, and I also mean turning off. Except, and this is the funny part, we are leaving and then coming back and then leaving again, so we aren’t so much off as we are testing out what off feels like. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
There are two kinds of asking why…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of knowing that something sad can also be joyful and, more important, it can be right.
I also had a small taste of Want What You Have! And I had the superpowers of Jade Colored Toenails, the superpower of finding good clues, and the superpower of knowing when my housemate wants a hug.
Powers I want.
The power of releasing the need to have things be Just So, and Seeing Beauty In The Messiness.
And I want the superpower of Delighting In Commercial Breaks. Like, yay I can take eight breaths now. Or yay, I can notice if there were any glitches or reactions for me. Or yay, perfect time for a compass. And commercial breaks can be any form of waiting, like waiting for a bus or waiting in line, or whatever it is, the places and spaces where I try to fill time instead of being with time.
The Salve of Delighting In Waiting.
This salve sweetens everything. It turns an unexpected time out into a time in.
When I wear this salve, I remember to look for clues, to look up, to savor the red lights instead of wishing they were green.
All of a sudden what first appeared to be an impasse or an imposition turns into a secret gift: time for me to notice the cool breath entering my nostrils and the way it exits warmer, to touch in, to feel my feet on the ground, to let go of things that need letting go, to touch my skin and say “hi, I have missed you, but I am here now”.
It isn’t so much waiting as it is readying myself, making tiny adjustments, choosing away from tightness and towards joy. And then I don’t mind waiting, because I remember that All Timing Is Right Timing. And as I soften, so do the things that were causing the wait.
This salve has a marvelous spreading effect. When you wear it, everyone around you benefits from it too!
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Digital Dust-Up, they play twangy cowboy versions of bollywood songs and, as it turns out, they’re actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
The page is many years old and needs rewriting! Copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office filled with thank you notes, and most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!