What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 283: mid-life easing
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Mid-life easing.
Shortly after my mom died, I took off on a road trip with a camper and a boy and two notebooks and more pens than you would think necessary and no real plan.
Well, there actually has been a plan, which I’ve been more or less sticking to. The plan has been work a few hours a day, see beautiful places, think, write, release.
The part about no plan is that I am not really sure where I’m going or when I’m coming back or what’s next. Also I am already out of pens.
I’ve been referring to this voyage as Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, and it has been very good for me. And by good, I mean: useful. Also good. Mostly useful.
Somewhere around Day 30 though, I officially hit mid-life crisis mode. Full on.
Full on. Hello.
I hadn’t been expecting this.
We weren’t supposed to meet like this.
It was surprising.
Me: “Um, okay, hello mid-life crisis, I have heard about you as a concept but I didn’t think we needed to do this.
“I mean, come on, why would we need this. My life is pretty chill. I live more or less on the margins, which is where I like to be, and I swim my own way, which is how I like to do.
“So listen, there’s no reason for everything to break down, and also in case you haven’t noticed, I just went through three years of EVERYTHING BREAKING. I learned how to smile at the broken pots, and say thank you to both the breaking and the broken, and I’m okay now, and we don’t need to do this, right?”
Though really it wasn’t that surprising.
I mean, okay, I was already dealing with some stuff.
For an example, an entire brigade of Shame Monsters, led by the very loud head monster whose name is something like You Screwed Up Everything Irrevocably In One Awful Noir Moment Three Years Ago And That’s When Everything Went Horribly Wrong This Is All Your Fault Forever And It Cannot Be Undone.
So I was already in peace talks with the shame and the guilt, with my fear of the empty places.
That’s why I came out here to the desert. To sit with the void, as my friend A puts it. To sit, to wait and to listen.
And then the mid-life crisis showed up, when (I thought) it had no business inviting itself to the party, and it was not fun and I was a mess of doubt, regret, and apprehension, with a big dose of Okay Something Has To Change Right Now.
Listening.
I noticed the pull towards pattern and habit, a familiar fork in a familiar road.
I could do something really, really stupid, or I could hide and wait out the storm.
I know where both those paths go, and I am not interested in taking either of them again, so I said new path, please, and that was when I remembered to return to the practice: breath, legitimacy, this is normal, this is okay.
That’s the practice. Meet myself in the moment with love and spaciousness and permission, return to I am here now, what do I need, what do I desire, how can I take exquisite care of myself right now?
And then, suddenly, a quiet realization:
What if it’s not a mid-life crisis at all? What if it’s a mid-life easing? A mid-life releasing? A mid-life letting go?
What if?
I can do a mid-life easing. I’m ready for a mid-life easing.
My business is just shy of turning ten years old in a couple months, right when I turn thirty eight, which is prime mid-life easing territory.
What if this isn’t so much a falling apart as it is a letting go?
Last year was the Year of Emptying & Replenishing. This past year has been the Year of Emerging & Receiving. This coming year is the Year of Easing & Releasing.
So bring it.
What do I know about this?
Letting a crisis become an easing is about perspective, which, funny enough, is why I am out here in the desert, dancing spirals in the wind and walking among the rocks.
This isn’t about semantic play. This isn’t about rose-colored glasses. It’s about looking at something clearly and honestly, with presence, and realizing that my vision has been distorted.
There is nothing wrong with letting things go. There is nothing wrong with letting things move and change. Everything changes, and everything ends, and this is important because otherwise you get stagnation.
What I want is aliveness. Vitality and luscious, awake presence: delight in life.
Maybe a good mid-life easing is how I make sure I’m on course with that. That I’m not carrying anything out of habit or obligation.
Maybe it is time for some deconstruction and reconfiguring, and it feels a little like falling apart, because I can’t see the new form yet.
Maybe I’ve been feeling uneasy because I couldn’t see this letting go is only going to bring more ease.
What else do I know?
For months now I have been whispering Love More Trust More Release More Receive More.
Now I get to practice.
What is next?
Clearly there is a version of me who is really good at being in a mid-life easing. She finds the whole thing entertaining. Let’s talk to her.
Now.
I am sitting on a bench and people are walking behind me. I hate having people behind me. I need my back to the wall, I’m a Bond Girl. There isn’t a better option right now though with the way the seating is arranged here, this is actually the most protected spot available.
I often catch myself wishing I weren’t highly sensitive, wishing I could just be a regular person who can sit on a regular bench. Wishing that sounds didn’t drive me crazy, that I didn’t experience physical pain when someone is untruthful.
This is what I get to work with though. Like on those cooking shows where an expert chef has to make a meal using a bizarre collection of ingredients. These are my ingredients.
I am remembering this wise advice: Grieve what cannot be, get creative, don’t hide who you are.
What do I really want?
Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Change your seat.
Me: Okay…
She: Change your place, change your luck.
Me: So I’m the problem?
She: You’re the solution. Give yourself safety instead of wishing you were someone else.
Clues?
In the car we pressed pause on the music, and then for hours the display was just repeating the song title:
Do What You Want Be What You Are.
And yes, it took over an hour of staring at that to realize it was a clue. Sometimes I’m slow. Sometimes I trip over things. There are more clues in the lyrics, too.
The superpower of wearing my crown.
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.
Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.
Today I watched someone I care about make potentially painful situations extra-painful situations in an attempt to avoid potential conflict. Since I do this too, a lot, it was like looking in the mirror and it was uncomfortable, and I am going to pay attention.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- My body gets the deciding vote.
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
Taking care of these seeds.
The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.
Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka hearing both the question and the answer…
I’m working on this one. I am holding my answer like a small stone, and letting it warm my hands.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 332: in a warm bed
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Listening.
We were planning to head out to Joshua Tree, and I really wanted this. The quiet, the beautiful, the not-working.
Except then Slightly Wiser Me stepped in and gave a no. Well, not so much a NO as a NOT YET, BABE.
She said, “Sweetie, tomorrow you are going to want to cry a lot and sit on the couch with a hot water bottle or hide in the bathtub. This is the cycle your body has, like it or not. This is not the time to be on the road or in a camper.”
And then I argued.
I pointed out that since quitting [gluten] back in March, our monthly time-out has gotten way less nightmarish and is actually perfectly manageable. Which is true. Except experience has shown that when Slightly Wiser Me makes a suggestion, I really want to follow it.
She said, “Do this for me, as a favor.”
So I listened.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you a thousand times thank you for this moment of listening. She was so completely right.
Next time I might…
Say yes to retreating.
{YES}
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This was a hard, challenging week for me. I was deep in my stuff. A breath for meeting myself where I am, with as much love as I can muster.
- Grief and pain. Realizations about loss, memories about loss, reflections of losses past. I am feeling rage about injustice in this country, about the helplessness of it. I am feeling astonishment at seeing the abusive things I have put up with in past relationships. I am seeing the interconnectedness of pain as I walk through the sadness around losing my mother. I danced the dance of the spirals in the desert, and wept about not being able to teach anymore. A breath for everything, for letting be and for letting go.
- A super depressing realization about next year, after crunching numbers in a hundred different ways. I don’t (yet) see how it’s possible to follow the road that is calling me, and to give myself the time off I so intensely want/need. A breath for asking for clear seeing, for surprise miracles.
- Radical Sovereignty: It is so hard to live like this. I mean, sure, it is so much harder to not live like this but my god. The vulnerability of saying to someone you care about that you don’t want the thing they want. The way I compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself, pretend that what I want is not important, or act as if I don’t even know what that is. A breath for ease and comfort.
- A lot is in flux right now. Like, a lot a lot a lot. Body is freaking out about this, even though it’s good. A breath for trusting the process of life.
- Forgetting truth-love, forgetting to nourish myself first, forgetting to tend to body first, forgetting that this is my real job and only job. A breath for remembering, and for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- I miss teaching [thing I used to teach]. I feel so much sadness and pain about that whole stupid, sad, obnoxious misunderstanding. A breath for smiling at the broken pots.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: now on Day 30. It has been so amazing. A breath for receiving.
- Love. A breath for pure joy.
- Being in spectacularly beautiful places that are a healing. Thank you, Death Valley. Thank you, mountains and sky. A breath for deep quiet.
- Dancing spirals in the desert. A breath of thank you.
- I am having ideas and insights about all the things that aren’t working instead of just being in a mood about how frustrating it is that they aren’t working. A breath for hopefulness.
- I caught myself in the pattern of [trying to force myself to do the thing I don’t want and somehow make it work] instead of speaking the truth about what I do want, and I said what I wanted. A breath for how this breaks things, in a good way. A breath for sweet powerful necessary destruction/deconstruction.
- Warm hand on my cheek. Warm voice in my ear. A breath for this sweetness.
- Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. Wise friends who remind me to forgive myself. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much generosity and permission. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
More editing done, more Sip Hint magic done, and a ton of planning for the next two years. Come on, fractal flowers! Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post: This may be slightly surreal.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of Remarkably Calm And Sanguine.
I had this power to such an extent that it somehow prevailed even when we got lost in the Mojave desert in the dark, on foot, and couldn’t find the camper, and the moon was hidden by clouds and we were wandering back and forth on paths that might not have been paths, and it looked like we might have to give up and sleep in the sand and be cold and hungry until morning.
It was a very good superpower and also we found our way back and had a very delicious dinner, and slept like babies in a warm bed.
Superpowers I want.
Same same. The superpower of Joyful Full-Hearted Adventuring While Treasuring Myself. And trusting my instincts.
The Salve of Remarkably Calm And Sanguine.
This salve contains many qualities, including:
Presence. Surrender. Comfort. Grace. Steadiness. Trust. Illuminating. Receiving.
I want to say that it is a salve that offers perspective, but really it is a salve that reveals perspective.
When it touches my skin, I remember that the thing I think is bad news might not be. In fact, it probably isn’t. For sure it isn’t.
That bus that just blew by without stopping for me was not my bus, even though I thought it was. I know that it isn’t, because I’m not on it.
That means that either another bus is my bus, or I am going to have a fabulous adventure walking, or something else is going to happen, but either way, this is not bad news. Everything is okay.
While I gradually soften into this remembering, my skin remembers truth, steady calm begins to circulate through my system, in my breath and in my blood…. and everything changes for the better.
Or maybe it doesn’t change. Maybe it already was good and I didn’t realize it.
But in this moment of steadiness, I can see new options and better possibilities. I am able to play.
It’s a secret clarity salve, because as you stop assuming that things are a disaster, all the little sparks of good begin to reveal themselves. And it starts to be the tiniest bit funny.
You can laugh your way into solutions with this salve. You can even trip over them, but it doesn’t hurt. You’re Remarkably Calm And Sanguine, as you giggle and pick up your next clue.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is an Australian group called You Can’t Fake That, they play lounge music and actually it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Scenes from a Saturday morning.
Scene 1.
Teacher: Class! Is it or is it not incredibly stupid for Havi — a known Highly Sensitive Person with hyperacusis who is also recovering from [scary life stuff] and deals with PTSD, flashbacks and recurring nightmares — to have embarked on what is essentially a no-plans no-clear-end-date cross-country trip in a camper?
Class: Hysterical laughter
Now.
Havi: Present time present time present time present time.
Now is not then. Now is now. Now is better. Now is just reminding us of then.
There is a very big difference. We are here and now. We want to be here and now.
Okay, I need the wisest, calmest, most grounded Havi Bell to come to the front of the V, because right now we’re in trauma state.
Good. Wisest me, I need you to say steady, wise things while the rest of us make internal safe rooms. In the meantime I’m going to go ask Yelp to find us a quiet cafe where we can sit and process. Yes? Thank you.
Wisest me.
Wisest me: You’re doing great, kiddo. We’ve got this. Nothing is wrong. This is completely normal and to be expected.
Twenty four days on the road, not enough sleep, getting a cold and your period at the same time. Not to mention Thanksgiving, which is always hugely triggering (remember how last year we had a homelessness freakout while sitting in the living room of our own house that we own, completely forgetting that now isn’t then?). Plus this big heart-expanding new love-trust-joy thing that you’re going through. It’s a lot.
It’s a lot to handle, and you are doing great. These are normal triggers, we’ve dealt with them before.
You are safe. You are loved. You are doing so well.
All you need to do is keep breathing, one foot in front of the other, we are getting you to safe space. You have safe passage all the way there, hold my hand.
Remember how each time we get triggered we collect more clues? We’re going to have the best clues from this round, the best thank yous. We are equipped for this.
You’re doing great. Just breathe. Breathe into your heart. Yup. You remember. We’ve trained on this. Inhale trust, exhale steadiness. Beautiful. We’ve got this.
Back in the classroom…
Teacher: Let the debate begin!
Timmy: (reading) Havi is scared. This is not good. We don’t want Havi to be scared. Havi needs to be safe. Havi should stay at home and have internal adventures instead of going out into the world and having adventures there, because when she gets triggered there is a lot of recovery that needs to happen. Havi needs to always have a place to be that feels safe for her. She shouldn’t have to fend for herself anymore.
Teacher: Who wants to give the arguments of the opposing side?
Me: I guess I will.
Debate club.
Me: I mean, they’re not really arguments, and they’re certainly not opposing. Timmy is right. Havi deals with a lot of fear and pain and vulnerability in life, and right now she is having a moment, for sure.
Let the record show that I am completely on board with the Keep Havi Safe Forever agenda. I just want to suggest that right now she is safe, at some level she knows she is safe, and this adventure is not harming her, it is expanding her knowledge that she is safe and held.
Look how well she was able to take care of herself this morning. Sure, there was some below-surface panic. And yet look what she was able to do from within that…
She called on her wisest selves. She did the practices, followed the protocols. She found the perfect cafe, the just-right bathroom, lemon-ginger tea and a crimson couch. She was able to see all the good and say thank you.
She remembered truth: That this is just a life-moment, and that reminded of then is not the same as actual-then. She was able to get herself back to now. Even from the road, even functioning on only a few hours of sleep and dealing with body stuff.
I think Havi is doing great at keeping herself safe during this adventure. Maybe this experience good for her.
Pausing for thank-you time.
Thank you, beautiful cafe that was the exact right place for a Havi, and only two blocks away from where I was staying. Thank you for reminding me of my favorite places in San Francisco and Tel Aviv.
Thank you, comfortable red velvet couch and wildly over the top, just extravangantly voluptuous armchair that was just so insane it could have been a baroque parody of an armchair. You made me smile.
Thank you, beautifully clean bathroom of generous proportions and lovely green door.
Thank you, periwinkle walls: steady and calming. Thank you, unexpected chandeliers for reminding me of Max. Thank you, wide pink columns, for being audacious.
Thank you, Saturday. Thank you, laptop. Thank you, brown bag. Thank you, cozy grey sweater. Thank you, everything that brought me to this moment.
A thousand thank-yous in my thank-you heart. Even when everything feels unsteady, look at all these ways I have what I need.
Back to Timmy.
Timmy: These are all very good arguments. However, I still stand by my original point that what Havi needs at all times is Safety. Not just testing the boundaries and discovering that yes, she is safe. She needs to perceive and feel that she is safe at all times.
We are not helping her experience this by putting her in situations where she doesn’t know where to go, where she has to run away, like today.
Maybe it’s time to just accept that she is kind of broken. She can’t live a wandering life, and that’s just the way it is. Let’s work around that, not try to break through it.
Wisest me takes over.
Wisest me: Timmy is right. There is a time for extreme measures, extreme safety, extreme hiding, extreme recuperation and recovery. This is, or can be, part of the healing process, and it has been very good for Havi.
At the same time, this does not have to be true for all of time. Havi is a magical unicorn. She holds many aspects and qualities. She is courageous, beautiful, wild, glowing. She is Bell West, adventuress. She is the star of the seven seas.
Absolutely, we need to take wonderful care of her, to support her in learning to take wonderful care of herself. And we also need to let her try things.
This is very different from Then, when she didn’t have resources, a support network, tools for healing, or the ability to be honest about her feelings and needs, whether with herself or with the people in her life. She also didn’t have people around who could handle that kind of honesty.
This is an entirely new life. She lives by Radical Sovereignty. She’s in a beautiful Not-A-Relationship aka a So-Much-Better-Than-A-Relationship aka The Wild Affair of Joy-filled Presence with someone committed to practicing this with her.
Her life is filled with support, kindness, people who care. She can’t fall, and if she did, a hundred nets of grace are right there for her. What if we let her experience what it’s like to bounce, to be held, to fall and laugh instead of fall and cry….
Timmy’s vote.
Timmy: That actually might be worth trying. We could take some notes for the next trip too…
Teacher: Consensus?
Class: WHAT IF EVERYTHING GOES HORRIBLY WRONG AND SHE GETS REALLY TRIGGERED AND EVERYTHING IS LIKE IT WAS THEN AGAIN?!
Teacher: Who thinks that is an actual likely possibility?
Teacher: Yes, Stephanie?
Stephanie: It isn’t likely, but if it did happen, it could be so damaging! On the other hand, maybe building this collection of “oh right still okay” and “yup, still okay this time”, maybe this is a slow healing. I’m not sure. It seems like Havi needs freedom to be able to try things, but she also needs a lot of stability.
Teacher: Good point. Who wants to go to the science lab and come up with some fun experiments to combine Safety and Stability with Adventure and Play?
How we play here. You are invited.
Safe space online is such a rare and precious thing. To make that work, we lovingly commit to two intentional practices: not giving each other advice and not care-taking.
We try to remember that we all have our stuff (pain, fear, doubt, grief, history), and we’re all working on our stuff, each in our own way and our own timing. It’s a process.
So we tread gently. We don’t make assumptions about anyone else’s experience. We meet ourselves and each other with warmth, patience, presence and love, to the best of our ability. We play.
You are welcome to share anything sparked for you, to process your own process, or play in whatever way feels comfortable for you. You can also leave pebbles that mean “I read this and I’m listening and I’m here”. You can leave breadcrumbs of reminders for past you or future you.
I like smiles and hearts and soup.
Wish 282: hearing both the question and the answer
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
It’s right there in the name.
So I’m still on the road, on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic.
Day 25 if you can believe it. This op is kind of just taking as long as it takes, which makes sense if you think about what its called.
We ended up staying in San Diego much longer than planned, not that we had plans.
We camped out in Molly’s backyard and ended up just staying there. I know Molly because she was at a Rally (Rally!) a few years ago. I’m pretty sure at this point that all my friends are Rally people. It is quite possible I only have friends from Rally.
The first night we were there, Molly asked me some sort of ridiculously simple question, something like “what do you want to be doing with your life?”
Hearing.
And I really heard this question instead of just lalala catching up with friends.
I answered completely truthfully.
And I heard what I said as I was saying it.
I want to do this all the time.
I mean, that’s Radical Sovereignty.
Being completely present with my feelings, needs and desires. Present with them, clear about them, and upfront about them, both with myself and with the people in my life.
Expecting the people in my life to do the same with me.
Aiming for resonance and clarity. Saying a yes and knowing it is my Whole Hearted Yes, no more hanging out with the sort-of maybes.
What do I know about this?
Hearing both the question and the answer involves quiet. Getting quieter and quieter, in all ways.
It involves JOY and PLAY, and I have access to both of these, because they live inside of me.
It involves curiosity and receptivity.
It involves a commitment to sustenance and sustainability.
These are all things I want anyway. So nothing needs to change. I don’t need to change course, because I’m already on course.
I just need to breathe and remember.
And ask this question more often.
Hilariously I ask this question every week.
Right here.
That is the question of wishing. What do I want? What do I really want?
Or as I’ve been asking it lately, what do I know about what I want?
Here’s what I’m actually asking:
What do I really know if I’m being completely honest with myself?
Other questions I’m loving right now.
- What would I want to be doing if money, time and external expectations weren’t an issue?
- What helps me be more of a bell?
- What enhances my ability to experience my light, and what diminishes it?
- What needs to be eliminated? And what needs to be illuminated?
- What would I be doing if I didn’t care at all how anyone else would react?
What do I know about this?
Pretty much any question can be the right question, if I’m listening and being honest.
What do I know about what I want?
The words coming up right now are OPEN and VULNERABLE.
So basically it’s a lot like love.
Maybe everything is a lot like love.
What’s next.
I’m not always going to have a Molly moment where the right person is there to ask the right question.
I need to be that person for myself.
This means a return to the practice of stone skipping, something I am missing now that I don’t have Rally.
I need to remember that it doesn’t really matter what the question is. If I had amnesia, or could only bring one question to a desert island (there’s a question or two in that, why am I on this island and why can I only bring one question!), I wouldn’t need more than the wishing question.
What do I really want?
Over and over again.
What do I really want to be doing with my time. What do I really want from this moment, this interaction, this blog post, the experience of eating this apple, this walk down the produce aisle.
What do I really want?
I want to retire and just be an eccentric writer.
And yes, I kind of already am doing that.
But there it is. That’s what I want. In all of its raw truth. That’s what I told Molly.
Now.
I am in a climbing gym.
People are incredibly high up in the air and somehow, impossibly, no one is screaming. I’m pretty sure I’d be falling apart up there. I do not like heights, and I need my hands to talk.
Anyway, I’m watching, admiring the way people do not seem to be overly concerned with their mortality. I wonder what that would be like.
The beautiful boy is bouldering. I can’t see him but I can picture his graceful agile movement through space, I actually feel the arc of his movement from here, as if a shape sketched through air has a physical sensation to it.
It does right now.
I am sitting on a fantastically ugly couch. I had to sign a waiver to sit on this couch. Both of those things are enough of a reminder of the vulnerability of life for me. I do not feel any particular need to be suspended from a rope. I will find my quiet and my grace in other pursuits for now.
What do I really want?
Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: The reason you were able to hear Molly’s question is that you have spent the past two years working with the concepts of This Moment Is Right and Where Is The Treasure.
Me: Okay…
She: That’s a skill you gained from everything seemingly going horribly wrong, and the Spectacular Flailure (yes) of your new business which ended up with you being in charge of a chocolate shop that you do not want. This is how you learned to become the person who pays attention to a moment because that moment is right.
Me: So you are saying that the solution to the challenge resides in the skills received from experiencing that challenge?
She: That’s pretty funny, right?
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Clues?
I shared what I really, really, really want, and Calais said: “This Is The Right Way To Live. This Is The Right Way To Live. Just keep repeating that.”
Just keep repeating that.
The superpower of wearing my crown.
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.
Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.
The neighborhood where I stayed for several days last week had a Triple Crown pub, in case I needed another reminder about that.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- My body gets the deciding vote.
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
Taking care of these seeds.
The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.
Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Clues everywhere, may I see them and laugh…
Yes, this was an exceptionally good week for clues. I got a lot of clarity, and, much to my surprise, an astonishing amount of work done. I trusted myself this week.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 331: time to change up the tombstone
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Recognizing a voice.
I was feeling very cranky this week, and then from somewhere inside the crankiness I was able to pull out a phrase, and recognize that this is not my voice.
It might be one of my fuzzy monsters, it might be a tired Havi from the university years, maybe just a belief-pattern that needs some love and attention. Anyway, it goes “I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother”, on repeat.
I am having I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother about a wide variety of things right now, both work-related and heart-related.
Anyway, the recognition felt good, and important. Knowing that this is useful intel, and also that it isn’t the entire truth of me.
Just knowing, hey this feels familiar. That is useful. I know this from somewhere, even if I can’t place it yet. like it might be a premenstrual thing or it might be a burnout thing, I have been here before in I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother, I know this place.
And, if I remember correctly, good things come from getting this fed up. Good things in the form of changes. “I am so damn sick of this that something has to change” is not my favorite way to make changes but sometimes it is the way it needs to happen.
So hello there, I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother. I’m ready to play.
Next time I might…
Give my body movement.
I was the crankiest girl, and also I wasn’t getting any of the body things I need to be happy, and we know how this works, and yet we are always surprised when the fallout starts.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Grief, sadness, loss, more of it. People I love lost people (and animals) they love this week, and that hurts, and I miss my mom, and it’s just all a lot. A breath for permission and for releasing.
- I have very clear intel about what needs to happen next and I’m frozen. A breath for breathing into this and letting it be okay, letting it percolate.
- Five nights without sleeping well, and then when I was finally able to sleep, woken up by a work call for someone else at NOT EVEN SEVEN IN THE MORNING. A breath for being in zombie state, and all the repercussions of that.
- “It’s not a curse but…” The beautiful boy has this [thing] going with vehicles, and I have this [thing] with the ballroom, and we are just going around in circles trying to find a solution to this. I believe with all my heart that there is treasure in this experience, and right now I’m just in the aching pain of it all. Looking for answers, or if not answers, then doors. A breath for patience, sweetness and courage.
- Ferguson and the pain of that. My heart aches. The accumulated distress of living in a culture where injustice is normalized, combined with really being confronted with just how many people can look injustice squarely in the face and not see it. This, for me, is combining with other pain about things that are unjust and not seen. We were driving back to San Diego, and there were cops in riot gear surrounding the small quiet protest. More cops than protesters. In case anyone needed another reminder that it is not safe in this country to express your discontent, certainly not if you’re not white. A breath for love, may love do what it needs to do here. And a breath for clear seeing.
- Thanksgiving. I still hate it. A breath for safety.
- And the thing I am still working on: being really aware of all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. How easily I will pretend that what I want is not important, or act as if I don’t even know what that is. How easily I forget about I Nourish Myself First. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: Currently on Day 23 of this wild adventure on the road: me, my notebooks, the boy I have a crush on, a camper, no agenda. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. And I am beginning to understand why the thought of it scared me so much, because it is so beautiful and so intense. A breath for receiving and for clarity.
- “Has there even been a mile of this trip that we’ve not been touching?” Nope! Apparently they’re going to have to remove the stop touching me and just give me some space motto from my tombstone. A breath for warmth, affection, sweetness and this big joy.
- Sleeping through the night again and then some. Sleeping in. And a bunch of dance classes in San Diego. A breath for my happy body.
- Right timing and connection in so many ways. Molly let us camp out behind her house and use her shower and set up an office in her living room. You know those miracle moments of life where you recognize that something special is happening? Like, oh oh oh it is really RIGHT that I came here, and it is good for me and it is good for Molly, and we both needed this, and how perfect that things are unfolding exactly like as they are in this moment, amen. A breath of thank you for this and for laughter and kindness. Thank you, life.
- I know what I want now. I mean, I know exactly what I want. I think I’m done being scared of it too. A breath for this sweet, quiet knowing
- Looking up and smiling. A breath for pure play.
- I am the grinch of thanksgiving, seriously I cannot stand this holiday (though I do love actual thankfulness, as you know), and this is why I always declare Hermitsgiving and run away. This year it was sweet and easy. I snacked all day. My traveling companion ate pie. There were gorgeous flowers all around us, and sunshine and happily napping dogs. The holiday was happening outside somewhere but we were deep in our joy bubble, away from it all. A breath for finding safe haven.
- Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, generosity, permission. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished writing Terpsichore Springs! That’s the latest YEARbook. 25,998 words. Wham boom! I am also close to having two more Internalship books done. And I’ve been playing with The Pomegranate and The Wishing Well. Taking my time, trusting the fractal flowers. And finished big chunk of the Internalship. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
Looking for clues in the pattern.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of hearing the truth inside of something I said as a joke.
And all the powers of wearing fluorescent NOTICE ME pink.
Superpowers I want.
Acting on guidance in addition to listening it. And: I Take Care Of Myself First, Second and Third.
The Salve of I Take Care Of Myself First.
This is an exceptionally nurturing salve, it comes with all the superpowers of Well Moisturized.
This is a salve I need so much and forget to use, until I am parched from need.
Luckily it works almost astonishingly quickly, with its rich saturated goodness and the way it just sinks in deep, caring for everything that has not been cared for.
This is a wonderfully rejuvenating salve. Not only does it soften everything that needs softening, it dissolves the internal programming that says I need to serve the world by being of service, available, giving, self-abdicating. This salve is rewriting the laws in my head that say exhaling is somehow more valuable than inhaling.
This salve returns me to myself. It reminds me to take in nourishment instead of thinking that there is something noble in neglecting myself. It reminds me of secret gardens.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from Agent Lovemore, they’re called No Ducks Allowed, they are play swingy klezmer versions of Elton John songs, heavy on clarinet, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.