What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Two of my favorite words.
It was Rally Q, and it was quite-quite many things, and Q is a special letter for me.
I have a very clear memory of learning Q in kindergarten.
Well, I already knew how to read so the learning-the-letters part of kindergarten was kind of boring, but Q! I remember admiring the glorious swirl of it, and being fixated on the page in the book with the drawing of the queen.
In my mind this memory is tied up with the day someone painted a swastika on the wall of the school, and they took us away while it got painted over or blasted off. It might not have been the same day. Memory is a funny-odd thing, such a funny-odd thing, but if I think about Q, I think about that day and I see Q in the book. That is my memory of Q.
Two of my favorite words begin with Q:
Queen.
And: Quiet.
The relationship between quiet and queenliness.
This is something I knew about before I ever knew about it, and it takes us to the labyrinth, another story of memory.
There is a stone in the deck of Stone Skipping cards that asks: “What is the connection between rest and sovereignty?”
It is there to remind me about the labyrinth in Taos, which revealed to me, in a way that was remarkably clear:
Being the loving, compassionate, playful, creative, responsible adult in charge of the kingdom of my life requires taking exquisite care of myself.
I take care of myself and give myself restful experiences because it is kind, and needed. And also so I can get quiet enough to hear the wise steady internal voice telling me what to pay attention to, what I need, and what’s next.
When I’m not quiet inside, I can’t hear. And I need to hear to be a bell.
The queen of getting quiet.
There are not a lot of Q words, but they have heft.
At Rally Q, Elizabeth and I made a compass that was a sentence that was a spell, wrapping around into itself like a snake whose tail is tucked into its mouth.
I am the queen of qualities.
I am the queen of qualities with a quill on a quest of quiet, queuing up what I want quickly to quench my need to be the queen of qualities.
The queen of qualities with a quill of qualities on a quest of quiet qualities, queuing qualities, for quickness of quality-quenching.
Then we realized we forgot about Queerness (how do you forget that?!), so we put it in the center and let it radiate out to meet the other points.
We left a word out too.
Quirky. I dislike that word, and so does Elizabeth, probably because it gets applied to both of us all the time. So we left it out of the compass, intentional neglect.
Quirky to me comes off as apologetic, apologizing for something I don’t think requires apologies. It’s the word people use in social media. “You’ll like Havi — though, just so you know, she’s pretty quirky…”
Translation: “Even though Havi is a giant weirdo and I feel slightly uncomfortable admitting that I like her work, I am telling you about her but don’t hate me when you find out how weird she is.”
I also hear quirky as “needs to settle down and get serious”.
And Elizabeth hears quirky as “yeah we actually aren’t going to pay you” and “if a man had done this we’d say it was brilliant, creative and inspired, but because it’s you, we’ll call it quirky”.
Not our word. Maybe it’s your word though. People vary! Feel free to adore quirkiness as much as you like.
The funny thing is, I do like quirkiness. That is: I like playfulness and eccentricity and doing what you want. I like the sound of the word, with its fun kicky K in the middle.
I just have less than fun associations with it as a label that gets applied to me.
Quill.
Quill surprised me as being a word I like more than I realized before the week of Q (and the week of Queue).
Quill is:
Magic. Writing. Spells. Process. Wand. Muse. Of the earth. Inspiration. Conviction. Conjuring. Play. Invoking. Scrolls. Sharpness. Deepening. Mystery. Story. Power.
I am really liking quill.
Other quite wonderful Q words.
Quickening. Quote. Quixotic. Quizzical. Queer. Quest and Questing. Questions. Query. Quite. Quotable. Quilt. Quiz. Quip. Quintessential. Quatrain. Query. Quince. Qaqortoq, in Greenland, where I found an excellent clue and made friends with a very sweet puppy. Quintessential. Quoz.
That last one is from my favorite book: Ounce Dice Trice, a must if you, like me, are someone who takes immense pleasure in what Nick calls the taste of words.
And peek over here for more Q-filled delights. Like quadrennium, quantophrenia, quingenarious, and quisquilious.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter Q.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with Q, go for it.
If you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, you can.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with Q, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish 263: a wild abundance of dance partners
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I had this beautiful moment of understanding last week at Rally (Rally!) that my projects, ops, missions and next steps are all potential dance partners.
This is useful because I often panic about how many [monsternumber of] things are on my list.
I don’t like having so many things. I get exhausted and overwhelmed just knowing they exist as possibilities. And I have a tendency to overestimate my capacity for doing, and overload my tray.
However, I never get overwhelmed by the possibility of more people to dance with. I adore having plenty of people to dance with.
So what if these are just a wild abundance of dance partners? What if imagining this is how I play this week?
Similarly, what if project time is like dance time!
When I’m at a dance, I take lots of breaks to drink water or watch other people dance. I pause and reconnect to myself. I take notes. I check in with dancer me to make sure I’m taking exquisite care of myself.
Both dancing itself and being at a dance are full of delicious red lights. When you are dancing these are called hesitation steps or holds. In a project, this could be resting on the floor, the magic purple pills.
Also, with projects I often get frustrated when things move slowly. In a dance though, especially in tango or west coast swing or blues, slowness can be thrilling, sexy, impossibly beautiful. In dance, I like to drink at the well of slowness.
During dance time, I feel alive. During dance time, every new song is an adventure. This is how I would like to feel during project time!
What do I know about this?
I have a parade of monsters saying this is stupid and it will never work, and the Time Gremlins think (as usual) that there is NO TIME to experiment with this because I should sit down and work, like a grown up. Except you know what? I am feeling excited about this.
A wild abundance of dance partners! This is what I want in real life too!
I actually got to experience this over the weekend at Waltz Brunch. There was a shortage of follows, and lots of people I have good dances with. People were lining up to dance with me, and it was the most fun thing in the entire world.
Imagining that my projects and Next Steps are dance partners turns project time into a sort of safe house: a place of refuge and shelter, quiet and play.
What else do I know about this?
This is bigger than I think. It has to do with shifting perspective, in a variety of ways.
It gives me a different way to understand my current situation of I Perceive That I Have Lots of Options.
I am hoping this will help transform it from something scary (gah! terror! too many things!) to something delightful: hey, check out this wild abundance of dance partners!
This way of playing/thinking should help me find new perspective on other things as well.
What else do I know about what I want?
This is related to another wish I have that scares me. It is a wish I made two hundred and ten weeks ago and even with the best code name ever, it still scared me so much that I haven’t been able to process it.
When I was at the Vicarage recently, I realized that what I want is an extended period of vicarage time. Months of Vicarage! This past week the theme of sabbatical came up over and over again. I got to have lunch with Agent Tessa who is currently taking a year off from everything, and I asked her if that was as thrilling and terrifying as it sounds, and she confirmed that yes, it is both these things.
I had a lot of questions, and her answers confirmed things that I have been thinking.
Then Agent A told me about his three year experiment of Not Working Just Practicing, which I had not known about before, and I was like, lalalalalala I can’t hear you and had to go hide because OHMYGOD WHAT HOW I WANT I CAN’T I LOVE THAT YOU DID THIS.
Yesterday I went out for a celebratory lunch with the Vicar (the Vicar and the Vicarage are actually not related at all, I know, it’s weird), and he was telling me that he is coming into some time off and can’t wait to figure out how to fill it up.
This sentence made ZERO SENSE TO ME, as my monsters are pretty much convinced that no matter how much time I could take to not-work, it would just get filled up with stupid life stuff like making dentist appointments and getting that pair of shoes fixed.
Same thing. Perspective shift. What if I could get excited about [the open time I crave] instead of dreading it?
Where do I want to start?
Trusting the wish.
Remembering that dance partners aren’t waiting around, arms crossed, toes tapping, hoping I will hurry up. Dance partners are happily dancing with other dance partners. It’s almost like the fractal flowers. My dance partners are becoming better dancers while I’m dancing with whatever I’m dancing with for this song.
Using the compass. Eight breaths: one in each direction.
Simplicity. Delight. Ease. Beauty. Anchor. Release. Glow. Wild.
How is this related to Tranquility?
July is the month of Tranquility in the Fluent Self calendar.
Superpower: Remembering that Now Is Not Then.
Tranquility is the perfect quality to meet my stuff about No Time and Everything Up In The Air. Tranquility, trust and taking a stand in favor of giving myself what I need.
That’s what anchors me.
Talking to Incoming Me…
Me: Whaddya got?
Slightly wiser me: I am loving this phrase A Wild Abundance. Isn’t it amazing how the word abundance sometimes pricks but not when it is a wild abundance of dance partners. I love how you play. And I love how the play changes things.
Me: I’m noticing a fear that I will take time for me and it will be crazy expensive and annoying.
Slightly wiser me: (laughs) As expensive and annoying as paying for the consequences of not taking care of yourself?
Me: Oh yeah, good point, that is way worse.
Slightly wiser me: One day a Wild Abundance of Time will no longer be a scary concept, and that’s because of the work you’re doing right now with your current ops. So keep playing, and trust.
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep talking with Incoming Me. Skip stones as often as possible. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Operation Sip Hint Learn. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- Ops: Joining the Resistance. From the inside!
Clues?
Hot hot hot hot hot hot pink.
And something Incoming Me said:
Let’s see what happens when we ready the [Sanctuary/Shelter/Refuge/Safe Place] in advance instead of running for one when we need it.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka the mystery of the purple pills…
This was the exact right thing to have wished for. I am taking them more regularly than I ever have before. Long pauses. Short pauses. AIR mode on the phone so I can Access Internal Resonance. Avoiding things that make it difficult to pause. It’s good.
Also Rally solved a bunch of things for me related to previous wishes. For example, I had this wish in April about taking down the castles through bubbling, and then last week I had an epiphany about how to take down two of the most problematic/complicated castles. I asked Richard to help, and then while I was at Rally (and Angela was blowing bubbles!), one of the castles turned into a compass, and the other one has turned into a new wish. So that’s kind of amazing.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 312: pleasurably disruptive
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
It is the 312th Chicken in a row. I am back from the Vicarage and really happy to be here. I missed you guys.
What worked this week?
AIR mode.
This has been the most challenging transition back of my four trips to the Vicarage.
That’s not a bad thing. It’s more a function of how powerful this experience was. And it also has to do with not being in a relationship or having a lover: normally when I return I feel a deep aversion to being online, but I bypass that to be connected to someone I want to be close to.
This time there was no reason not to just stay in airplane mode all the time. The AIR stands for Access Internal Resonance.
I let myself be in AIR about 98% of the time, only surfacing when I needed to find out when a bus was arriving. I kept internet off on my computer unless I needed to check something or post something, and then I set a ten minute timer. It was blissful.
Not only did I spend the vast majority of my week in AIR mode, accessing internal resonance, I actually forgot my phone on numerous occasions, including brunch with Max and lunch with Agent Prairie Blue. Forgot it! The thing that holds my bus pass and my schedule. Just forgot it existed. I am delighted about this.
Next time I might…
Schedule emptiness.
I vastly overestimated what I would be capable of doing post-Vicarage.
Explore new ways to reconnect.
Haven’t figured this one out yet.
I am finding being online unbearably overwhelming, so I am trying to avoid The Channels, and yet The Channels are how I connect with people I like, and also I need to be online for my job, and to stay on top of what is happening in the dance world.
So I’m hoping some sort of beautiful solution for this can reveal itself. I already do postcards, so it isn’t that. Anyway, not looking for suggestions, just planting the wish.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Being back is hard. I don’t know if that’s accurate. It’s different. I’m adjusting. A breath for transition and adjustment.
- Monsters who say if I do what I want, I will become The Crazy Lady that everyone avoids. It sounds very reasonable when they say it. A breath for that.
- I inquired into a thing I wanted, and got a no. Now is not the time even though I wanted it to be the time. A breath for trusting that this is actually treasure.
- SO MANY THINGS. Completely overwhelming. A breath for remembering the purple pills.
- Expectations and holding onto them. A breath for grace.
- Saw someone in the park who looked exactly like someone else, and it wasn’t the person I was hoping to see. A breath for all desire is legitimate.
- I want to be at the Vicarage except I am here and what I really want is to want to be where I am. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Elimination and Liberation were my companions this week, the wild jewels in my crown, the qualities I apparently brought back with me from the Vicarage. I unpacked completely on arriving home. I’ve never done that before, ever, in a lifetime of traveling. And since arriving, I’ve been in a mad burst of Congruencing. Moving things out of my life. Reordering them. Clearing out the closets. Letting things go. I got rid of problematic things that have been sitting around for years. I deleted the music on my phone given to me by the Spy. I am in the intensity of spring cleaning, and things are just whooshing out and in, reconfiguring. A breath for release, and for the way that pleasure can be disruptive, and disruptive can (sometimes) be pleasurable.
- The loveliest brunch with Max. We went to Sweedeedee and talked about all the important things. She said something about my peaceful home that everyone says except I hadn’t been able to hear: it is so very peaceful. A breath for the gift of wise friends.
- All the skills I went to the Vicarage to learn about have landed. This week I had the superpowers I have been working towards: Wildly Confident. Wonderfully Tranquil. I went to dance class and didn’t compare myself, didn’t self-criticize. Under normal circumstances, I catch myself while I’m doing these things and remind myself why it isn’t helpful. It’s a process. This time, it was more like: half a moment and then whoosh nipped in the bud unnecessary we’re done with that way of living. No resistance. This is big. A breath for hard work paying off.
- I wrote something and shared it! And I didn’t do the thing where I spend a million hours editing it to be more concise. Life is easier, as it turns out, when I don’t care about trying to pare down to a “reasonable” number of words. Oh, it’s X words? Great! Not caring saves a lot of time. A breath for releasing unexamined rules.
- Play! So much playing. Agent Tessa was a fairy and there were bubbles. I dressed up as The Crazy Lady and did all the things The Crazy Lady would do, and it was actually really fun, and my monsters calmed down because no one even thought it was crazy, and also while being The Crazy Lady I had not the tiniest care what anyone thought anyway. Operation En Blanc is in effect. I have convinced the notorious noir gunslinger to join me, and we will paint the town white and become invisible. A breath for extravagant play and for a great excuse to wear an elaborate hat.
- DANCING! My god I missed it. Three weeks of no dancing, and then the most wonderful dance where I enjoyed every minute. A breath for having found this great love.
- I inquired about a thing I thought I wanted and got a no, which puts it in the category of Not My Bus, and I realized, immediately, that this no was treasure. A breath for treasure, for being able to recognize it, and for big changes in how I see the world.
- All the many reasons to say thank you. So many gems from Operation Kaleidoscope. Delight in being back in my wonderfully peaceful home. Flowers from the garden in my bedroom. Talking to the vicar. Rally T with marvelous playmates. Spirals, naps, epiphanies, good surprises. Thank you, everything that brought me here. Thank you, red lipstick. Thank you, lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I wrote a bonus ebook for the Year of Emerging & Receiving group, it is called the Kaleidoscope Compass! Huge progress on the Book of Bridges and Crowns. Operation Tomorrow Me I Love You is going fabulously. Operation T is for Treasure went great. Operation Liberate is in full swing. The Mission of the Mystery Covered Box is complete. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of reverse-engineering, the power of taking it to eleven, the power of trusting my instincts.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of remembering that sometimes the treasure is in letting things go.
And I will keep asking for the power of knowing, deeply, that every moment is treasure.
Salve. The Salve of Pleasurably Disruptive.
At brunch with Max she was saying that the YEARbooks, my journals that I share with people in the Year of Emerging & Receiving, are very powerful and intense and delicious, and that she has to read and digest them in tiny bits.
We agreed that the books are Disruptive. Disruptive in a good way. Marvelously Disruptive. Pleasurably disruptive. They stir things, and make room for things, and everything that shifts is good, and also it disrupts things. Like Shiva, the god of destruction/deconstruction who takes stuff apart so the new, beautiful forms can come in. Except in this case the act of the undoing is also sweet, even while it is, well, yes, disruptive.
This is the salve of pleasurable disrupting, sweet interruptions, sexy undoing, joyfully knocking some things down, gentle upheaval, enjoyable rearranging.
The salve of remembering that pleasure can be disruptive and disruptive can (sometimes) be pleasurable
You only need a very little bit. There is a sharpness of clove and a lushness, a richness, a scent that doesn’t have a name. I put a little on the backs of my hands and my wrists and suddenly my skin is deliciously soft, I see with new eyes, my awareness is heightened, I am in the mood to kiss someone, I know exactly what I want, and I know exactly what needs to leave.
It is a mysterious salve: both invigorating and calming, you might even say that it disrupts things (pleasurably, of course) through quieting….
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is a lie and they’re called I’m Here To Wear White, they play bluegrass versions of Celine Dion songs and actually it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I spend a lot of time saying “ohmygod I want to go somewhere and WRITE, I want to go on a writing retreat” and then I never do that because of the part where hahaha I’d probably have to sit around with Writers and talk about what I’m writing.
And then I realized I could invent my own that would be exactly what I want. Price super low because I need to leave town for a couple of weeks. It is called a Righting Retreat.
Partly because that sounds less intimidating (to me), and partly because it is true. We will Right things.
Come read the page because 1) I swear a lot, 2) I make a pun that is also truth, 3) there is a cloud that makes me smile, 4) I can’t be the only person who longs for this, 5) I just made a thing and would love company, 6) there is an extra-extra-extra low price for the first few people.
Richard tells me we have two spots left. Do it.
—-> https://fluentself.com//righting/ —-> PASSWORD: oneword
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Operation Tomorrow-Me I Love You!
I am recently back from two weeks at the Vicarage, a place that is both real and imaginary, where I devoted myself to exploring the previously unknown-to-me territories of tranquility.
Since I hadn’t visited these places, I didn’t really have a sense of what this experience would be like — haha understatement! — and one of the many surprising things that happened was this:
Most of my time was spent thinking about — and writing about — boundaries.
Glowingly beautiful radiant boundaries.
About how boundaries are vital to tranquility. How boundaries allow for rest, and rest helps with Clear Seeing, and Clear Seeing shows me everything I need to know. I also learned that boundaries are one of the best ways I can treasure myself, which is the real mission.
Now I’m back, and everything is a different color than it was before. The first morning I woke up and scribbled this:
I am ready to treasure my space, inside and out.
Since then I have been steadily clearing things out of my life. This morning I woke up with a new op: it is called Operation Tomorrow-Me I Love You.
What I know so far about this Op.
It is related to what ex-mentor called Morning Begins At Night.
It has to do with making choices the night before that support me of the next morning. No, that’s not exactly right.
Tomorrow-Morning Me gets to make her own choices. She is new, and the moment of her choices is new, and she is a sovereign being with agency. I cannot know what her choices will be.
What I want is to make options available for her that will make it easier for her to make choices, and to be less rushed/discombobulated in the mornings.
This wasn’t relevant at the Vicarage, because at the Vicarage I have no schedule whatsoever. I slept for as long as I wanted. I did all the morning rituals my heart desired: yoga nidra and sun salutations, taking my sweet, sexy time with all of it.
Now I’m back, and my mornings involve dance class and getting to work. And right now Morning Me is flustered and forgets things: oh right, we’ll need socks. And possibly make-up for later. Things like that.
I would like to fill up on love each evening for Tomorrow-Me and set things up for her with sweetness. Fill her bag with the things she will need. Put out clothing that she might want to wear. Write her a love note. Whisper to her that whatever she chooses is perfect, and I support it unconditionally because she is my favorite person in the entire world.
How do I want to investigate or play with this op?
With no rules.
And with stones. I want to skip some stones, which is a form of journaling where you ask questions and let them ripple out into your consciousness, like stones skipping through water, following the ripples and writing whatever comes up.
First I conduct: resting on the floor, feeling the floor, breathing, filling up on qualities, until things get quiet in my head. Or until they don’t but I perceive that I am done.
15 minutes was the right amount, as it turned out. I am ready for the first stone:
“What do I need right now?”
The first thing that came up was PERMISSION.
Not sure what that means. Permission to devote myself to this op even though I have ninety billion (monsternumber) of things that are, according to the Time Gremlins, infinitely more important?
What kind of Permission?
Permission to believe. Believe what? Permission to believe caring for Incoming Me, and treasuring her, are actually the most important things I could be doing, and doing this will speed up the other missions.
This mission is about helping Incoming Me feel deeply cared for, to do things that help her to be at ease, so she can be really present, so she can be in Clear Seeing, like at the Vicarage.
Alright. Permission. What else do I need right now? Laughter. Bubbles. Things that bubble and bubble up. A lightness. An effervescence. You can’t take this mission too seriously because this mission, at its heart, is about play.
Taking care of Incoming You is not a chore. It’s not one more thing you have to do. It’s a game. It’s a flirtation. This should feel like slipping a note under your lover’s pillow so they discover it later with a delighted smile.
Bubble up with adoration for Tomorrow-You. Delight in your desire to fulfill her desires. Ready for the next stone? Yes.
“What do I know about rest?”
Hahahaha, what don’t I know. I didn’t know anything, but after these two weeks I know that it is transformative and invigorating.
I rested ridiculous amounts, I dealt with all the monster accusations that this is indulgent and decadent and frivolous. I dealt with the monster fears that it is not safe to rest, and that if I allow myself to rest, I will never want to stop. That I will sink into the deepest darkest depression and also that I will turn into a burrito.
We had long internal conversations about all of this, and I rested.
I rested and rested more. I slept twelve hours each night, sometimes more. I napped for three hours each afternoon, sometimes more.
It was like deep hibernation, and after about ten days, I started feeling vibrantly alive. Tinglingly, wondrously alive. As if ALIVENESS was rushing through my veins.
My desires were clear and obvious. Not just that, they were beautiful.
I felt excited, awake, ready for adventures. Big adventures! I discovered that I was no longer angry about the thing I had been angry about before I left. I discovered that I was no longer hurting about things that had previously hurt.
So. I’ve spent my entire life feeling ambivalent about rest, craving it but also dreading it, avoiding the purple pills. And now I am convinced that rest is the most brilliant door into everything I want.
Also I just realized that if I do things in the evening to set up the morning for Tomorrow-Me, I will also sleep better, knowing that I am held and cared for, that ease and adoration await me in the morning. I am my lover, in this sense. And rest is my lover. And giving myself rest is an act of love.
Okay, now the monsters are saying, SHUT UP you stupid hippie this is so embarrassing you can’t let anyone read this! So let’s give them a safe room and see what the next stone holds.
“What in my current environment supports me and what needs to change?”
Hm. In terms of setting up clothing for tomorrow-me, there isn’t really a place where I can put them. I don’t like having things pile up on the dresser.
I wonder if there is a place to put a hook, where I could hang some items. Or possibly put things into a special bag and then Tomorrow-Me can unpack the bag like a present, and choose what she likes.
Oh! There’s that little orange stand that is no longer needed at the chocolate shop. That might work. Possibly a combination of these.
What supports me? My conducting nook, the closet that I turned into a place to meditate or conduct. Except I don’t always remember to use it. So maybe I leave a post-it note for Tomorrow-me that says: Rendezvous! Meet me in the vault! And then she can leave the note on the bed so that the me of later that day can see it and remember.
We can have a note that we pass to each other, always passing it forward!
I like this. Anything else?
Lighten things. What does that mean? Carry less. Trust more.
Okay. Next stone?
“Is there a version of me who is really good at the thing I’m working on right now?”
I’m not even sure what that is. What am I working on? Treasuring myself?
Yes, and…
Treasuring my space. Staying deeply connected to Tomorrow Me. Taking exquisite care of myself. Being playful and light-hearted. Committing to presence. Trusting that rest and tranquility are useful in addition to being pleasurable. Giving myself endless permission to take pleasure in life, and endless legitimacy when I’m not having fun.
So, who is the me who knows how to do all of that? Incoming Me.
And what about just the part where I do something now to make things easier on tomorrow-me. Is there a version of me who knows about this?
Yes, in the orchards. I had to be at work at 4:45am, so everything was ready the night before. Or in the bars on the days when I finished one shift at 6am and had to return in the afternoon to open.
Or when I have a morning flight.
I know how to do this. It’s just a matter of switching how I think about this. Instead of thinking of it as something I do in special cases, it’s just something I do. It’s part of my routine.
Anything else?
I’m afraid I will forget. So I’ll put a note on my mirror: Tomorrow-Me, I love you! That will remind me. And if it doesn’t, I’ll skip some more stones and find out what I need.
Come play.
If you want to brainstorm sweet things you can do for Tomorrow-You or skip some stones or process in any other way, that is welcome.
You can also share appreciation for the practice, sparks sparked for you, seed some extra wishes, say hello, whisper magic words, whatever you like.
This stuff can be challenging. It’s about desire, and when we interact with desire there can be pain about all the times we didn’t have what we need, about the vulnerability of wanting.
So: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We interact with our stuff and with each other with kindness, warmth, curiosity and patience, to the best of our abilities. We remember that People Vary. My way can be different from yours, and that’s okay.
Wish #262: The mystery of the purple pills.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I have magic purple pills.
This isn’t a wish. I have them.
Even though, okay, yeah, this is kind of a proxy.
I have these purple pills, and they basically make everything better.
Even when they don’t make things remarkably better (though they often do), at the very least things are slightly better. Like, worst case scenario, I’m more relaxed and less stressed out and more able to notice things going on in my body.
And for some reason, I’m not entirely clear why, I don’t take them. Okay, they aren’t really like pills. More like a lozenge? Or a spray?
But the purple seems important, I’m not sure why.
What do I know about this so far?
I have these purple somethings. They are purple. I put one in my mouth and it makes everything better. Seriously, they are amazing.
And: I don’t use them.
Is that true? What’s also true?
I save them for emergencies. Even though actually they are more effective when you take them regularly.
They don’t cost anything. I perceive them as coming with a cost, because I have to stop what I’m doing to take them. Except that pause is always beneficial, it’s the best kind of red light.
What else do I know about what I want?
I wish I could remember how great the purple capsules are. I want to reach for them automatically.
I want to go, ohhhhhh take a purple!
And I want to do this well before it is needed.
Come home and take a purple. Get to the Playground, have a purple. Like that.
What have I tried?
I have a little purple room, not really a room, more like an alcove. It’s designated space to go and have a purple moment, take a purple, get back to that sweet purple feeling I like so much…
Sometimes I use it. A lot of times though I just look at it.
What haven’t I tried yet?
Hmm. If these were actual pills, I’d probably put notes around the house. I’d definitely enlist Richard to help me remember.
I might have reminder bells on my phone.
Actually, I do have reminder bells but they go off at times when I am out and about, and I need a few minutes of alone time to do the purple thing.
This is interesting. God I love proxies.
If I treated this like they were actual pills….
Now we are getting somewhere.
This could actually work like with the iron that I kept forgetting to take, until Nick decided I was a dragon who needed to crunch knights, and now I have a knight who sits on the counter and reminds me to keep my strength up.
What is this really about?
Okay, so the purple capsules are secret agent code for conducting, which is itself secret agent code for getting down on the floor and closing my eyes and feeling the ground.
But that’s not what this is really about.
It’s really about my worry about coming back from the Vicarage and not being able to take Vicarage with me.
It’s wanting to make sure that I have a doorway into Wonderfully Peaceful, a doorway into moments of thank you.
It is a continuation of the past weeks of wishing, an attempt to build in ritual that supports the wishes.
Anything else about this?
Purple is not a color I usually gravitate to, and so I’m not sure why these pills are purple, and yet I know they are.
Purple, in the yoga world, is associated with the seventh chakra, connection.
And in the outside world, it’s associated with royalty: sovereignty.
Connection and sovereignty. I can work with that.
What else do I know about this?
I like the idea of having a playful challenge. Making it a game until it becomes more automatic.
This is a good way to re-enter, and it is a good way to practice treasuring myself, which I’m pretty sure will be the theme of Rally (Rally!) this week as it is Rally T, and T is for Treasure, among other things.
Also the purple pills seem to be strongest at Rally, so it will be useful to explore that more in depth.
Where do I want to start?
Choosing this as a conscious experiment. A working hypothesis that I can mess around with as needed. And trusting that whatever I get will be useful.
And using the compass to help:
Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.
Does this relate to Tranquility?
July is the month of Tranquility in the Fluent Self calendar.
Superpower of remembering that Now Is Not Then.
Tranquility is exactly what is needed here. And since the purple pills are basically tranquility pills, nothing more is needed. Just to remember. This moment is new.
The salve has an anchor on it, and the practice of [being purple] will anchor me.
Talking to Incoming Me about…
Me: I am so afraid that I will forget what it is like to be at the Vicarage. It’s happened before, sort of, not really.
Slightly wiser me: Oh my love. You are safe. And: the last time you vicaraged was nearly a year ago. You are an entirely new person, and this experience was its own world.
Me: What if I lose it?
Slightly wiser me: It lives inside of you. There is a blueprint in each of your cells. And now you have this new experiment to see what happens when you regularly do things to support the purple, when you take your purple supplements. Each time you do it, you’re experiencing the qualities of the Vicarage.
Anything else? Starting points?
Find things that elicit thank-yous. Skip stones as often as possible. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Operation Sip Hint Learn. It’s all about red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. Hawaii is not in Hawaii. It’s the Vicarage!
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- Ops: Ease-filled transitions.
Clues?
“Success!”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka thank you, last-year me…
I wanted to say thank you, way more than I do, and I didn’t really know how, or I thought I didn’t know how, but it turns out I do.
It’s about remembering that I can take the purple pills. The purple brings me to the thank you. The more I fill up on purple, the more present and appreciative I am. So the wish brought me to the next wish, thank you.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox