What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish #245: it is real and it isn’t
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
{A little note about timing}
This week’s wishes are delayed — though, really, what does that mean, of course wishes are right on time, they’re just doing it in their own timing.
That is the hardest thing for me to remember, about everything. The superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
Anyway, my computer (not unlike me) was experiencing some ongoing fussiness this week. So thank you, Richard, for fix-it-ey magic and thank you, everyone who has been looking forward to wishing time. In the meantime, I am taking a breath and trusting that All Timing Is Right Timing.
Or, at least, reminding the monster crew that this is a possible approach.
What do I want?
I had this understanding last week related to overwhelm. Well, related to my perception that I am constantly feeling overwhelmed.
My realization did not help with the feeling. Still overwhelmed!
It is helping a little bit with frame, though. Perspective.
So I want to mess around with this some more, gently, see what I learn.
What am I noticing?
I am noticing the extent to which I find daily life all by itself completely overwhelming.
Too many things! Too much input! Too little acknowledgment about how hard this is!
And then you realize you haven’t washed your hair in two weeks (okay, maybe this is just me) and then burst into tears because it is One More Thing, and you’re already over capacity.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever gets anything done without a massive breakdown.
I mean, good god. I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a pet. I don’t have to feed anyone, take care of anyone or worry about anyone (and I am enormously happy about all of these things). And still I find just getting through the day, with the never-ending constantly-updating multitude of tiny things that need doing, way too much to handle. So yes: overwhelmed = real!
At the same time, even if I didn’t have to work and had nothing to do at all other than the two things I am currently [not-quite-obsessing] in love with — writing and dancing, I’d still be overwhelmed. So in that sense, overwhelmed isn’t real, it is a perception or pattern or choice. I could go on retreat for three years and still be overwhelmed. It isn’t going away unless I change how I think. So it is super real (more than I think it is!), and also it is not real at all.
What do I want?
I was talking about this with Nick, and he asked: “Do you think overwhelm is a choice? For me, overwhelm seems to be an involuntary byproduct of certain situations.”
So here’s my take on that:
I choose to react and I choose how to react. Habit of course will dictate my initial reaction. And then I can notice that and figure out what I want to do with it.
The challenge is: once I’m whooshing my way down the familiar neural pathway, I don’t necessarily see my choices and options.
So it’s like with all patterns. When I first start working with a pattern, I’m not going to be able to interrupt it at point Zero. I’m going to sail at least a dozen links down the line before I can play with it. Which is fine, that counts too.
Noticing the pattern is changing the pattern. Doing anything differently is changing the pattern.
If the pattern used to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…now the pattern is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, notice, slightly-different-6-because-I-am-watching-it, here’s a COMPLETELY NEW SEVEN and okay, hello eight.
What am I noticing?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I want to try to remind myself that it is real (legitimacy), and that it is not real (reassurance).
Yes, this is a ridiculous number of things that I am attempting to do, and also, this feeling and tightness and panic are not required. These are habitual responses. My response makes sense (because I really do have too many things!). And I can work with altering how I respond, and I can do that right now. The answer isn’t waiting until I eventually don’t have a million things waiting for my attention. The answer is pausing, breathing, paying attention, meeting my fear with love.
What do I want?
I want the glorious return of Putterday.
Putterday was this experimental thing I did where one day a week just went to wandering around the house taking care of things.
Being in Barrington mode. I love Barrington. Barrington is never overwhelmed, I don’t know how she does it.
Anyway, on Putterday, I don’t do anything except for those little things that never get done.
It isn’t a holiday but it isn’t a work day. It is maintenance time, the thing that keeps the ship running.
I want a WEEK OF PUTTERDAY!
What am I noticing?
Remembering the wonderful story that Barbara Sher tells about her barn that burned down. How she was waiting and waiting for the right weekend to sort through all the stuff in there, and it never happened. When it went up in smoke, she suddenly realized that she was never going to take that weekend. The loss was a gift.
So maybe A Week of Putterday is a mythical creature, a yearning.
And maybe it is a real thing: the monster crew is certainly up in arms about the possibility of something like that ever happening. They think I should just be on top of things. And that if I’m going to take time off work (which will surely lead to Doom), then I should at least go relax somewhere instead of puttering, so I can come back refreshed and ready to resume Doing All The Things That Must Be Done.
This is another moment for me to come back to what is real and what is not real, what is true and what’s also true.
It is true that Puttering Time might not be the answer, and it is also true that I’m allowed to want it.
It is true that it might not give me what I want, and it is also true that it’s a valid experiment.
What do I want?
This is all about returning again.
The return of quiet, the return of Putterday, the return of lovingly maintaining, and mostly, I am now realizing, the return of Assertive Me.
I’m not sure exactly where she fits into all of this, but it is suddenly wonderfully clear that she can change my current relationship with feeling overwhelmed.
She neatly sidesteps my avoidance patterns, the hurts and the anger, the saying and the not saying.
She knows how to move forward, she knows about momentum, she has buffer phrases on hand, she cuts through the crap, she makes her own perfect simple solutions.
What am I noticing?
This is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have.
So Assertive Me is already here.
I just need to remember that. And to ask for her help.
Where do I want to start?
Interviewing Assertive Me. Skipping stones. Maybe doing a half day Putterday. Maybe doing this in companionship with someone…
What are the qualities of my wish?
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
Clues?
I have been making some silent wishes lately, not putting them here. And suddenly things are moving. Clue!
And the clue from a few weeks ago, what I thought was an impasse is actually a riddle: still working for me.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s op: waltzing something into the light.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka dropping my Gs…
Last week’s wish had to do with an intentional pause: not consuming G. The G was a form of a food (literally consuming) and in the form of an emotion. Both of these ended up being way easier than I was expecting. The more amazing thing — for me — was how many people in my life were wonderfully supportive, beyond my expectation. Really, everyone but one person. So that was a good thing to learn. Keeping up the experiment for now.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #294: Possess an excellent day time!
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
Possess an excellent day time!
A spammer said this to me this week. Well, not to me specifically.
Anyway, I think this is the best way ever of saying “have a nice day”, and that we should all start saying this immediately.
This is my clue for the week: what if I take something and rephrase it so that it means the same thing but this time I feel it in a new way. I can also use this for dance practice.
What worked this week?
Dividing my time between Agents!
I was feeling overwhelmed by all the things, so I put Special Agent Rose North in charge of ballroom things and had her do just that.
Then I put another special agent in charge of dance missions and another one in charge of writing missions, and we switched off.
All these agents are me, yes? It was incredibly liberating to go into one mode and stay there for the day or for a few hours. And slowly we chipped away at things and I stopped panicking.
Also Rally superpowers worked. A lot. All the superpowers I asked for on the first night of Rally (Rally!) came true. This happens kind of a lot, and I don’t know why I don’t do this more often.
Next time I might…
Designated puttering time.
Things don’t get maintained unless you build that in.
And yet, I chronically underestimate the amount of time needed to just do the little daily life things.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- At the dance weekend: instructor thought I was deaf and spent the whole day shouting and making sure I was always facing him. And for reasons that are not clear to me, no one corrected him until the second day. A breath for that old pattern of perceiving that I am misunderstood.
- The world divides neatly between people who are in their stuff and know they are in their stuff and people who are in their stuff and do not know that they are in their stuff. I did not have a lot of patience for group 2 this week. A breath for this.
- It is never okay to throw shoes. Standing up and saying this from time to time is part of daily life, fine. Context though. Shoes when they are not at all expected, in what should be safe space. A breath for acceptance of what is now, as it is now, even when I am wishing for something else.
- Feeling overwhelmed about so many things, and all the more so having lost 6 weeks of practice time. Operation Bell View is fast approaching. A breath for comfort.
- Ankle is finally doing well enough to have me back on the dance floor, still not at the point where I can jump, balance or do all kinds of things I want to be doing. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- Spring Rage! Every year spring shows up overnight, and everyone in the city is suddenly wearing flip flops and sitting in the park, and posting instagrams, and somehow (this is my perception/monsters) everyone magically already has a pedicure and sandals, and I am spectacularly unprepared, and then I hate everyone. This also might be related to hormonal rage. Spring Rage! It should be a band. Definitely just one guy. A breath for noticing a familiar set of patterns.
- Various body stuff. And feeling unbelievably spacey thanks to the time change. A breath for adjusting, noticing, living with.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The most amazing weekend of dance workshops. Understandings are beginning to land. New friends. A breath for pleasure.
- I had been feeling apprehensive about my experiment in Dropping G, and to my surprise and delight everything about this has been marvelously easy so far. To make things even better, Richard found a way to make sourdough bread with minimal G. I don’t perceive that I’m missing anything. A breath for ease.
- A huge epiphany about the nature of overwhelm, and my relationship to it. A breath for clarity.
- A magical hour of secret spirals at Rally. A breath for play.
- I had a realization at the weekend dance workshop that completely changed everything for me. For the first time ever, I am letting myself play. And for the first time, people’s end-of-dance thank you seems like more than just politeness. Dance! I am back! East coast swing, balboa, salsa. A breath for joyful learning and for the next level, and for all the new things there are to learn.
- Sweet hours with the spy. New intel emerging. Peacefulness. Each of us preparing for our own missions, knowing that they are separate but related. A breath for letting the thing that is around the corner reveal itself.
- Springtime, glorious springtime! Goodbye, winter coat! Hello, denim jacket, I missed you. Hello, forsythia and cherry blossom and magnolia, and the whole city bursting into lusciousness. A breath for beauty, hopefulness, sweetness and sunshine.
- Birthday cards and presents! Thank you, Kat and Kate and everyone I am forgetting. A breath for being filled with appreciation.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Thanks to Rally, I finished Operation Say Everything Twice. And got a ridiculous amount of Ballroom things done. All the stalled projects are moving! Yes. WHAM BOOM.
Next week? Continued stone skipping to learn about Operation Houston It Is The Vicar as well as Operation Pop Up.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of letting less be more.
Superpowers I want.
What I asked for last week: the power of perfect simple solutions everywhere, to the point that it is just hilarious how plentiful, perfect and simple they are. And also the power of sexy fearlessness.
Salve. The Salve of Quieting.
When you partake of this salve, everything gets quieter. Inside and out. Calmer, too. But mostly it feels as though there is a little more space to breathe.
You notice things you didn’t notice before, and you smile. You breathe a little deeper. Tension softens, releasing. You get down on the floor and feel your body against the floor, and there is no hurry. You are held in the quiet, and everything feels great.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is by way of the Spy, it is called Hot Tartar, their latest album is The Grand Adventures Of The Cutest And Most Annoying Monk, and this band (and the monk) are… just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
The J Lead.
I am Jelly Bean Jones.
Or at least, that was my secret agent name two weeks ago.
I was at Rally (Rally!), and it was Rally J, and I was a jelly bean. A JOYFUL JELLY BEAN. Named Jelly Bean. Jelly Bean Jones.
Actually my primary association with that candy is that they were the favorite of the late Ronald Reagan, which is more distressing and less joyful. Though I also realize now that jelly beans are joyful: they are like an explosion of color.
J is for joy and things that are joyful. Joyful and jubilant.
J is for Jaw-dropping. Jaw-droppingly joyful and jubilant!
J is JUMP. Jumping and bouncing. I am jumping with joy. Or for joy? Joyfully jumping. Or, possibly, I am jumping because I feel frustrated, and jumping will make me feel better. Either way, jump jump jump jump. Jump!
J is for jib, a type of sail. Relevant if you are on a pirate ship, which I am.
Speaking of pirates, J is the Jolly Roger. Or in our case, the Jolly Selma, our pirate duck flag.
J is jewels. All the jewels. I am, after all, on a diamond caper. Bond Girl knows where all the jewels are. And J is the radiant jewel of my heart.
J is jingling, like bells, because I am a bell. Sorry to have just put that song in your head. We will switch it out for another one in a minute.
J is justice, which always makes me think of Wheels of Justice.
J is journeying and journaling, two things that go well together, and one of which is often metaphorical.
J is judicious. Making decisions. Or, as Bryan says, honoring the decisions that my body has already made for me.
J is judgment, both in the sense of releasing and in the sense of discernment.
J is JUBILAAAAAAAAAAAAATION SHE LOVES ME AGAIN I fall on the floor and I’m laughing….
J is jazzed. I’m feeling jazzed! I never say that, and yet it is the most fun thing to say.
J is JAZZ HANDS. I do a lot of these, it is true.
J is juice. I am jonesing for juice.
J is juxtaposition. See above.
J is juggling and J is jiggling, things that can be both harder and easier than they look.
J is the J-lead, in the language of dance it is how you show someone that you want them to turn…
Never Dot The J, says one of my dance teachers, and for some reason that is the funniest sentence in the world.
J is just-right. Just-right. Just-right. Just-right.
J is joie de vivre, which helps me remember that yes, this moment too is just-right, just-right.
And here we are.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter J.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with J, go for it.
If you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, you can.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with J, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish #244: Dropping my Gs
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
Dropping G is code for letting go of two things that start with G.
Letting go of? Not consuming them, not having them.
Or maybe they are like plants that I do not water.
Or maybe they are like songs Pandora offers me that I choose to thumb down or skip, so that the genome (a G that I like) can say, “Oh, okay, Havi is choosing away from G and towards what she wants. Not-G. Got it.”
What do I want?
I am noticing how much I need to do this in code, even though lots of people drop the first kind of G all the time and it isn’t a big deal, at least not in Portland.
The conventional words for “giving up G” get on my nerves.
I want my own thing, something new, no associations. And I don’t want to be lumped in with the world of people who don’t G. Wow, that has some big stuff in it, I will explore that. For now, I am just going to reassure the fear:
This is a conscious experiment, not a Lifestyle Choice. I’m not in their gang.
Okay, noticing again how important it is to me to not be in their gang. This is the thread to follow in this investigation for sure. This should be interesting.
What do I want?
I am noticing how wonderfully appealing the double-meaning is for me. I am dropping G, sure, but I am also dropping that other G.
Plus it kind of sounds like I’m this wild girl, doing a drug you haven’t heard of yet. Dropping G.
Or that I drop my Gs. I can pretend I am a country singer.
It is very a playful code phrase. I like it.
What do I want?
Well, in terms of the first G:
I go back and forth between thinking this is going to be super easy and just ridiculously hard. So I guess I have to find out.
What I would like to do is just notice:
Where is G hiding in places I don’t expect it? Am I craving G, and what do I do when this happens? What are my new comforts, now that I’m dropping G? What happens or changes inside my kingdom without this G.
Hahaha, I just realized that all these questions will completely work for the second kind of G as well, even though the first G exists on the physical plane and the second G on the emotional one.
What do I want?
I want to this to be easier than I expect it is going to be.
Is that what I want?
Hmm. Or maybe what I want is to have the strength and curiosity to interact with however it is, easy or not.
I want to take lots of notes. I want to learn.
I want to be able to say, wow that was an incredibly useful experiment. Regardless of whether I choose to maintain it, or how long I play with it, or what the results are.
What do I want?
So funny that this is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have.
What if I am strong enough to drop G?
What if I already know how to drop G?
What if I have been training for this my entire life?
In terms of the first G, I have already dropped S and C and M and another C, and all of those things made my life infinitely better and are not hard on me at all. So who knows. Maybe G can be relatively easy.
In terms of the second G, I have already been working on a life without W. Monsters wish to add that this totally isn’t working and I am W-ing all the time. Except what’s also true is that I am so much more cognizant of my W, and my relationship with W is different than it was before. So the experiment is still effective.
I want to see the strengths I already have.
There is nothing intimidating about dropping G. This is an experiment I can handle.
What do I want?
Awareness:
I would like to really be able to notice the small and large fluctuations and changes in every aspect of my life, as I experiment with dropping G.
I would like to detach from a specific end goal. Instead of trying to use dropping G to achieve X, I would like to observe what happens when I drop G. Does it help with X? Does it do other things? How do I feel?
What do I want?
Companionship, my big theme of the year.
Amazingly, Agents Mueller, White and Em Dee are all onboard with this experiment. Not that I thought they would give me too much shit about it, just that I thought they might be doubtful. They’re so supportive! What a lovely feeling.
So I can talk to them.
Agent Groove already drops the first kind of G, so maybe we can go on a spy date to Tula or something, and I can ask her questions.
And of course, I can process this like crazy at the Floop.
Anything else coming up? Where do I want to start?
I want to start with writing and skipping stones. Going inward.
Slightly future me says: Dropping G (the second kind) will help you not take on the sadness of the world. It will help with PTSD. And dropping the first kind will change how you communicate with your body. This is a fantastic investigation to be investigating, no matter what comes out of it.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Harmony. Grounding. Wellness (Wells!). Glowing. Emerging.
Clues?
In Rainier: a place called Bell Studios, right by the tavern we stopped in.
A studio for being a bell! Dropping G is basically a studio for being a bell! This is both the best proxy ever, and it is also what I want. I want to drop G so that I can be better at reverberating, so that I can be my best bell.
Clue from the graveyard: roses on the gravestone. Not like, flowers ON it. Roses that were engraved into it. A different way of putting flowers on something.
And last week’s clue that what I thought was an impasse is actually a riddle: still working for me.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: more progress on Saying Everything Twice (Saying Everything Twice!), and writing about whatever I want.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka it has to do with entering and strength…
This is hilarious, because I did enter and I did learn about strength. And now I know about Dropping G, which is the continuation of the mission. It is the next indicated step. Everything I set up for this worked.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #293: wonderfully stormy
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
Today is my birthday!
I’ve never had a birthday coincide with a Chicken before, so this is fun. Coincides With Chicken, it could be a band. Not this week though, we already have one.
So. Happy birthday to me. I’m in my prime! Sorry, there will be prime number jokes all year.
And also: happy birthday to my business: nine years since it came into my consciousness, eight since The Fluent Self and I made it official at city hall in San Francisco.
What worked this week?
Hiding my phone.
Well, not so much hiding it as placing it in the conducting vault to wait for me until morning.
Next time I might…
Trust that the answer is around the corner.
I spent most of this week enormously stressed out about an Impossible-To-Solve Problem, and agonizing over the pain of not being able to resolve it.
Then I went to Seaside, and the ocean cleared everything up, as it does. And suddenly there was completely unexpected intel that meant the Impossible-To-Solve Problem was not in fact a problem.
So. Yeah. I want to remember this the next time I am turning things into Problems.
Also my big clue this week was that what I think is an impasse is actually a riddle, and that is something I would like to remember as well.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- A cold and stomach flu at the same time? Are you kidding me? A breath for how not fun this was, and for patience and presence.
- But wait, you say, stomach flu and a cold on your birthday, Havi Bell? That sucks! Yes, I know. A breath for timing.
- But wait Havi, you say again, did you not just spend the past month incapacitated due to that hellish virus followed immediately by the ankle sprain that would not heal, and now you get a cold and a stomach flu? Yup, that’s what happened A breath for the intense frustration of that.
- Way more work to be done than I have time/energy/capacity to do it in. A breath for wanting a new way.
- Due to all of the above items, my body did not get to do the fun things or the dancing things this week. A breath for missing and craving.
- Trying to feel at home in my body. I know this is just….the work of life, especially in our distortion-filled culture. This week I was in my stuff about this. A breath for releasing things that are not mine.
- I had a nightmare of a certain type/flavor that I have not had in a very, very long time, and thought I might be done with. Nope, not done. A breath for the distress of Middle-of-the-Night-Me.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- You know what? Illness aside (or even included), this has been a lovely birthday. It has also been the first actually lovely birthday in at least eighteen years. So I’m going to say we have officially ended my run of Terrible Depressing Birthdays. That’s pretty big. A breath for delight, and for seeing the good.
- Last weekend was Rose City Swing, and while I wasn’t really able to dance, I was able to walk through three dance workshops where I learned all kinds of fascinating things. A breath for learning and enjoying.
- The Floop, my private community for practice, has set sail. Year 6 in this grand experiment. I feel delighted and peaceful about this group and this year. A breath for play and for process, and the magic that emerges.
- The Spy and I went to Seaside, where all the best things happened. I talked to the ocean. I got quiet. A breath for the beautiful thing that is getting quiet.
- Seaside was wonderfully stormy: I stayed inside while the waves crashed and the winds rattled the inn, listening to the rain. I took long baths and sweet naps, and wrote to my heart’s content. A breath for the just-right thing.
- A perfect simple solution revealed itself quickly and easily. What do you know. A breath for trust.
- I asked Incoming Me, who already knows all about the year of 37, to give me 37 clues or pieces of advice. Mind: blown! A breath for useful intel.
- I feel so fortunate to have so many wise, kind, loving, playful, creative, curious, sweet appreciation-filled people in my life. Thank you for friends, colleagues, the lovely people who hang out here. A breath for being filled with appreciation.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
My op this week was progress with a certain Big Idea that doesn’t have a name yet. Yes! WHAM BOOM.
Next week? More decorating for Operation Say Everything Twice. Continued stone skipping to learn about Operation Houston It Is The Vicar.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of asking the right questions, in the right…I want to say tone, but since I don’t speak, it isn’t really that. With the right emphasis? In the right manner? I asked questions in such a way as to elicit great answers, from myself and from others.
Superpowers I want.
The power of perfect simple solutions everywhere, to the point that it is just hilarious how plentiful, perfect and simple they are.
Salve. The Salve of Appreciation.
When you partake of this salve, you see all the small things. What is right, and not what is missing. You notice the way someone set out a spoon for you, with a little spark in your thank-you heart. And you feel appreciated: as if you secretly know that each spoon you set out is also noticed and thanked. This salve smells like springtime and it just melts into your life.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is angry German metal. The band comes from Richard, it is called Scheissmoodle, and actually it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.