What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish #247: a home for wishes
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
To say thank you in advance.
To say thank you with my thank-you heart, and not just to say thank you after the fact but to say thank you in advance.
And also to say: thank-you-in-advance.
What am I noticing?
This is a thing that Jane says, and I love it. Thank-you-in-advance for this beautiful experience. Thank-you-in-advance for my ability to be present and find the beauty in it.
I am noticing that this wish is related to my secret wish for Rally: to allow all seemingly contradictory things to exist and dissolve simultaneously. As in, I’m okay with the contradiction and also I know there is no contradiction.
It is also related to a wish that has to do with the qualities of Grace and Equanimity.
And my wish to have lots and lots of writing time this week, because words are just spilling out and I need time to be with that.
What do I want?
I want to meet all wishes with this sensation of thank-you-in-advance.
Thank you for the good that will be revealed. For my ability to meet whatever comes up and greet it, as the Spy says, with love and curiosity.
I want to be able to say to each wish: “Wow, what a beautiful wish!”
And to do that no matter how preposterous the wish seems in that moment.
I may not choose to act on the wish. I may just let it live in the world of wishing. But to rejoice in it. To admire it. And to say “Thank you in advance for whatever comes from this moment of allowing myself to experience this desire. Thank you in advance for the qualities of the wish, now I have a chance to remember them, breathe them, reconnect to them.”
What am I noticing?
Oh, a pricking of sadness in my heart.
I had a dear friend who was the biggest rejoicer-over of my wishes ever, she was my champion, the person who always believed in my wishes. I could whisper to her about things I would never tell anyone.
I could say absolutely anything: I WANT TO LIVE ON THE MOON!
And she would say the just-right thing, welcoming and loving. “Oh, isn’t that a beautiful, radiant wish? I can feel the qualities of moon coming out to greet this wish: Peacefulness. Drawing In. Quiet. Innocence. Trust. This is the perfect wish for you.”
Or she might ask questions too: “Tell me more about what this moon life wish feels like? What is the essence? What does it give you?”
Whenever I told her about my wishes, I ended up learning so much about what I really wanted, sparking ideas about how to get closer to it, revealing strengths that were already in me. I could suddenly see what aspects of [living on the moon] were important…
The last time we talked though she had recently gone through a transformation of sorts, gotten very into business-growing and Practical Realities, and I told her a wish and she said, “Well, that’s not very realistic, is it? Why don’t we focus on more practical solutions.”
I am noticing my sadness about my perception of my friend becoming so unlike herself that I don’t know how to reconnect to her.
What do I want?
I want to be a good friend to my wishes.
I want to be a good friend to wishing-me.
Not to shut things down. Not to figure out why they can’t work.
Just to receive the wish and let it be beautiful. Let it grow. Be curious about it. Not to act. This is important.
What am I noticing?
Not acting on a wish goes in two directions.
This means not trying to tear it down, and it also means not instantly trying to see how it could happen.
It means giving spaciousness to my wish. Spaciousness and welcoming.
And a home, so it doesn’t get forgotten. A home that is spacious and welcoming.
I am not sure yet what that home will look like, so this is also part of my wish: a home for wishes.
For now, this weekly ritual will be the home. Safe space. Maybe I will also make another tray…
An example of spaciousness and welcoming for wishes.
Last Wednesday I was at a dance, and a number of people ask if I sign, and I don’t.
I know a handful of signs (I can ask you to dance!), but not enough to have a conversation. I have seriously conflicted feelings about this. I want to learn, and I have Stuff.
Anyway, I had the thought that a fun way for me to ease my way into learning might be a beginner’s workshop, which we could host at my Ballroom or the Playground.
Spaciousness for this wish means, first, that I welcome the wish:
Oh wow, what a beautiful wish.
I notice how my monster crew wants to come up with all the reasons this wish is stupid, and I don’t agree to it. They can share their input later. Right now is for letting the wish breathe and be a tiny sweet thing.
I notice how I want to start problem-solving and trouble-shooting: does Amy know someone who could set this up? Is two hours the right amount of time? We can’t do it on a Sunday because blah, this other thing is happening…
Spaciousness and welcoming means I don’t try to fix. I don’t try to tear down but I also don’t try to build up. I wait, and I say: oh wow, what a beautiful wish.
I allow the qualities to reveal themselves. I wait to feel into the strengths I already have.
Spaciousness and welcoming. Strength and Effervescence.
This is the last day of March. On the calendar of Salves, this is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have. I want to take this quality with me as I flip the calendar and reveal Effervescence….
Spaciousness and welcoming require my strength, and they also feel airy and bubbling, light and ease-filled.
This feels good. Thank you, past me for knowing what was right. And thank you in advance for everything that will come from this. Thank you in advance for a beautiful month of wishes bubbling into being. Thank you in advance for ease-filled transitions.
Where do I want to start?
Next steps for Operation Bell View. More time writing for The Book of Xs and Ys. Beautiful dances. To be wonderfully surprised. I trust that people I want to spend time with will say what they think/want, and I do too. Equanimity. Pleasure. Graceful transitions. Eight breaths. Loving the L words. Skipping stones. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s op: Next steps on Operation Bell View. Writing as much as I want!
Clues?
A hand-signal that secretly means: “Perhaps we should run off together to the Caribbean…”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka some thoughts on the nature of wishing…
Wow. Sometimes reading through what I wrote the previous week is just uncanny.
I wanted safety for my wishes, and something shifted there. I wanted a new Jens, and two excellent candidates showed up out of nowhere! I wanted to talk to someone to get advice on Operation Bell View, and Melena can answer all my questions. The bit about unconditional forgiveness of past-me set into motion some big healing, and I now have my material for the Book of Xs and Ys. Also I finished Operation Pop It Up. Yay.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #296: the most beautiful of red lights
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Shorts, weirdly enough.
So I have to give some background for this. Whenever the weather gets warm, it takes me forever to adjust to suddenly seeing my shockingly white legs. I’m pretty sure this is residual low-grade trauma from living in the middle east and constantly having people say things to me along the lines of “my god, I can’t even look at you, it’s disgusting, get to the beach immediately”.
Anyway, I have been wearing short shorts to my morning dance class as part of an experiment I am doing in growing my comfort zone in a variety of ways. It has required extreme force fields of bravery.
It turns out there’s a fantastic side effect of this practice: I am used to seeing my legs and do not feel the need to hide them. So on a beautiful sunny weekend, I wore a sundress and flip flops. Sprawled out on a beach towel in the park and wrote while the Spy did yoga nidra. And I didn’t care about my legs.
I breathed and connected to my thank you heart. Thank you for legs that are strong and beautiful and full of life. For legs that take me where I need to go and allow me to dance.
Doing the opposite.
I noticed when I was going into habitual behavior, and played Choose Away. Or: Do The Opposite Thing.
This required lots of soothing for small, scared me, and that was useful too.
Next time I might…
Pause and breathe.
Always a good plan.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I made progress on a secret mission that scares me, and then learned more about why it scares me. A breath for encountering things you weren’t expecting to see.
- It is hilarious, in so many ways, that I am going to a huge swing dance convention. I need to find a way to take care of highly sensitive, PTSD me, as well as deal with the monster crew. A breath for choices.
- Sometimes you want a thing and you can’t have it — or at least not right now, and maybe not having it is good for you and you still desire it. A breath of comfort and letting that moment of wanting be what it is.
- I came to a realization that required action, and this was full of fear and sadness for me. A breath for sad, scared me and for courage.
- The most beautiful red light said STOP. So many tears. A breath for endings and for comfort.
- Oh my sad aching heart about this ending. A breath of trust and love, one for my heart and one for the other heart involved.
- I undid the old pattern about numbness that came up last week, and uncovered a different one (in a variety of forms) that has to do with seeking soothing from an external source, forgetting that I can give comfort to myself. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- Some things just take time. A breath for letting things take time.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- A glorious sunny day, the first real taste of spring. A breath for a beautiful day, and for the first time ever that I did not go into my stuff about summer coming.
- A taste of high impact. Still being gentle on the ankle, but I was able to bounce just the tiniest bit this week. Lindy hop. Aerobics. Not quite back to jumping but feeling more like gazelle state. A breath for pleasure.
- Closing out the dance floor Saturday night. A moment where everything is just-right. A breath of pure delight for this experience.
- Acting on the realization that required action. Doing it anyway, in the moment of knowing what is needed, present with the fear and sadness, interrupting all my usual patterns, doing it with love. A breath for what a powerful experience this was, and a hundred billion sparklepoints for scared, full-hearted me.
- The most beautiful red light. A breath for stopping everything in order to treasure a moment and be treasured — become treasure — in that moment.
- My dear friend Jane, one of my favorite people in the entire world, was in Portland and I got to see her and be near her, and it was the most wonderful, special thing. I wish it could happen more. A breath for love.
- Finished a big project! A breath for movement and turning corners.
- So many good things. Dance classes that are challenging in just the right ways. A wonderful card from Leni. Surprisingly not worn out, given circumstances. Marisa is back! Marionberry-pomegranate-blueberry smoothies. The joy of having the exact right bag for the occasion. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished decorating Say Everything Twice (Say Everything Twice), and it is going out to the people in the Year of Emerging And Receiving very soon. Possibly tomorrow. And I set up a Pop Up Practicum at the Ballroom. WHAM BOOM.
I put Operation Houston It Is The Vicar on the back burner for a bit, and I am working on the Mission of Xs and Ys, which I will take to Rally next week.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Taking Pleasure In Small Moments. And the superpower of noticing when the front of the V was getting hijacked by Tiny Havi who operates on fear, because she is still tiny. Got to practice some self-forgiveness in a big way.
Superpowers I want.
More of the above, of course.
And because I got what I asked for last week, I am seeding it again. The power of perfect simple solutions everywhere, to the point that it is just hilarious how plentiful, perfect and simple they are. With some sexy fearlessness on the side.
Salve. The Salve of Self-Forgiveness.
This salve is the most soothing of salves, because it soothes retroactively. It is working now and it is also working on then.
When I dab it on my throat, something softens in me. I take a deep breath. I see the actual circumstances of things I have been through and how hard they were, and how high my expectations were. I adjust my vision.
The salve dissolves and suddenly I am able to look at past-me, at whatever age, in whatever situation, and say: “Oh, Havi-then was doing the best she could with the intel that was available and the tools she had at the time. She couldn’t see the other options and she didn’t know how to take care of herself, and she was trying hard to survive.”
I glow love to the me-then who made different choices than the ones I think I would make now, and I stroke her hair and I breathe trust, steadiness and peacefulness for us. That is the power of this salve. I am recognizing now as I write this that it is thanks to this salve I was able to experience the most beautiful red light this week, so it is even a more important salve than I’d realized.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Emphasizing Bears, it is a gift from autocorrect (I was trying to write about emphasizing beats in the music while dancing) and I love it so much. Emphasizing Bears! They are loud and playing at the Doug Fir this week, and actually, they are also, as it turns out… just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish #246: Some thoughts on the nature of wishing…
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
Some thoughts on the nature of wishing…
This is my two hundred and forty sixth consecutive week of this ritual: uncovering a wish, processing it with words, sharing it with you.
That’s a lot of weeks. I have learned some things:
Wishes are exquisitely vulnerable, and so is wishing. Even wishes that seem like simple logistical matters. Wishes are tiny, sweet things. They require shelter and protection, time to grow and expand and reveal themselves. This revealing needs to happen in a way that feels safe.
Wishing, desiring, wanting. It isn’t just about vulnerability. This is a deeply subversive practice, what we’re doing here together.
I don’t know anyone who grew up having their wishes welcomed and adored. Our culture doesn’t really work that way. We are told that we are greedy for wanting, or that our wishes are inappropriate, too much, impossible. Wishes get trampled on early.
We don’t have built-in mechanisms for meeting someone’s wish with spaciousness and acceptance. Or even admiration: “wow, what a beautiful wish”. We find ourselves telling people why their wish isn’t reasonable, in an attempt to keep them from the pain of finding that out on their own. Or we resent other people’s wishes, because they remind us of our own wishes, the ones we have squashed down, made ourselves forget.
Wishes are like the line in the Natan Alterman poem… That melody still returns, the one you tried in vain to neglect…
So we are here to create safety. Safety and sovereignty.
What do I want?
Part of the rule of Safety First means protect your wishes and the process of wishing.
Sometimes I do this through writing in secret agent code. Sometimes I do this with metaphors and proxies.
Sometimes the practice is the safety. My wishes are held in this weekly ritual, this community of people who are kind, curious, patient, self-aware.
What am I noticing?
This week there are lots of wishes bubbling up, and I haven’t felt ready to write them down.
Partly this is because of a new craving for safe ground. There are people in my life (as well as people I don’t know at all) who go into their Stuff over things I’ve written, and don’t have the tools yet to process the Stuff, so they hand it to me. Wishes are fraught enough without that added layer of complexity.
I’m noticing how much I want to write about my wishes, and how I have not felt ready to bring them here this week. They need extra safety right now. Extra support. Extra appreciation. Extra love.
What do I want?
So of course I know exactly what I want, I just said it.
Safety. Support. Appreciation. Love.
This is the heart of the practice of wishing anyway: What are the qualities of the wish?
Because so often it turns out that you don’t actually want the thing you think you want, it’s the qualities. Often they can come to you in a different vehicle than the one you were dreaming about, and that turns out to be the exact right thing.
Plus qualities live inside of you, so they are something you can give to yourself. I can remember them, connect to them, breathe them, write them, talk to them. This takes practice too. And that’s okay, there is time.
So if I want more Safety, Support, Appreciation and Love, it is time to be curious about where and how I am not giving these to myself. They’re there, so if I’m feeling disconnected from them, that is a useful clue.
What am I noticing?
Just had a little catch in my throat, a moment of worry that my wishes this week will get lost.
So I think I’m going to write a sentence or two about each of them, so they can be heard. And to create some extra safety, I will let the processing of these wishes happen in invisible ink. Or on the Floop.
What do I want?
Another Jens.
Jens showed up in my life at the exact moment when I needed a Jens. My German was self-taught. Fluent enough to read a novel without the help of a dictionary, but I didn’t feel comfortable having a conversation. I didn’t have money for a tutor, and I didn’t know how to solve this.
One day Marius, the South African kid who worked at the nearby hostel, walked into my bar and said, hey this German guy wants to learn Hebrew, but he doesn’t have money, any ideas? I said, oh I’ll teach him Hebrew if I can practice German with him. By the time I moved to Berlin, my German was excellent and I felt completely comfortable.
And then a week after I arrived in Berlin, I met a second Jens (Jens II) who basically fulfilled the same role as the first Jens.
I want the dance equivalent of a Jens. The qualities of this wish? Play. Presence. Support. Trust.
What do I want?
Unconditional forgiveness of past me, at all moments in time.
This is going to require writing, time and a bunch of safe rooms. Qualities: Shelter. Support. Appreciation. Loving-kindness.
What do I want?
Operation Bell View.
I need to talk to someone who has done this (or done something like this), preferably a woman, and find out what I need to pack.
Qualities: Readiness. Support. Play. Adventure.
What do I want?
The Book of Xs and Ys.
This is my current mysterious project. I want writing time, thinking time, dancing time.
Qualities: Reflection, Presence, Trust, Appreciation.
What am I noticing?
The qualities I want are all related, a lot of them are the same.
All of these wishes are a combination of “I really want something” and “I’m not really sure how it works”. There is a lot in here about trust, patience, perceiving that I am supported, knowing that I am appreciated, being present, getting to play.
What do I want?
To let go of any stories about how people in my life are not supportive.
I can wish for that as much as I want. Of course external support is an amazing thing, and it is okay for me to want it. Ultimately though being supportive of my wishes and dreams is my job.
So if other people want to join me in meeting my wishes with joy and tenderness, they are welcome to. And if they can’t, then the main thing is that I am making sure my wishes have an environment of safety and spaciousness where they can grow and thrive.
How can the month of Strength help me with this.
This is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have.
So I already have the strength of Support, the ability to glow support for my wishes.
I need to keep doing that, more of it. Keep making space for my wishes, being curious, finding out what they need, providing canopies when needed, being a source of shelter, radiating sunshine, nourishment and sustenance…
I can ring the bell of support, the bell of sustenance. I can be the bell of support, the bell of sustenance.
Where do I want to start?
Interviewing Incoming Me. Skipping stones. Conducting. Dancing. Waiting. Praise and time.
Qualities of my wish:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
Clues?
I asked my dance teacher if she could tell me when I wasn’t doing [X] because I sometimes forget to [X] enough, and she said, “If it’s easy, you’re doing enough [X], if it isn’t easy, you need more [X].
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s op: Operation Bell View and Operation Pop It Up.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka it is real and it isn’t…
Silent retreat on this for now.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #295: what if there is no terrible plan
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Twenty minutes.
As part of my ongoing experimental practices of Dropping G and letting go of guilt, I have cordoned off twenty minutes each morning during which I get to do what I want, and the monster crew can’t label these choices as “bad”.
If I want to spend those twenty minutes staring into space, they don’t get to say that I am squandering my time. Squandering, now there’s a monster-word if there ever was one.
The rule of twenty minutes says: for the duration of these twenty minutes, the concept of squandering does not exist. I am looking forward to time when the concept of squandering never exists for me. For now: twenty minutes.
Whatever I happen to do, am drawn to do, or end up doing, that is the exact right thing. Inside of those twenty minutes, Nothing Is Wrong.
So I might give myself Puttering Time. It isn’t the same as a Putterday, but it feels pretty good. Or I might just close my eyes and breathe.
Or I might look at photos of an ex on facebook and feel feelings, and the monsters don’t get to say THIS IS A TERRIBLE PLAN, because, terrible or not, this is my chance to experience what it is like to follow a thread without the guilt/shame attached to it.
That way, I can bring my attention to just the thread. Do I want to be doing this or not? I can investigate my pattern by itself, instead of investigating while simultaneously blaming myself for being in the pattern, which is the next pattern. The intel I get is clean and clear, and this practice of twenty minutes is bearing many marvelous and unexpected fruits.
Once the twenty minutes are over, there are often some monster-negotiations. Not easy. But ohmygod the freedom of these twenty minutes. It is a beautiful taste of what it would be like to believe in my body what I think in my head: that each moment is useful, nothing is wrong, habits aren’t so much “bad” as they are interesting, and that changes come faster and more smoothly without guilt than with.
Next time I might…
Try twenty one minutes?
Ha. Everything in my body just tightened up when I wrote that, so it’s time to breathe and regroup.
Maybe twenty minutes and an extra ten seconds? That feels better.
Tiny steps. Let’s go with that. Safety first, that’s the rule.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Oh hello, first dance injury, thanks to overbearing macho salsa dancers who think yanking girls around by the arm is fun and that knowing a lot of patterns means being an advanced dancer, even though they don’t have the technique to pull it off. Sore neck for days, and lots of frustration. Also, Assertive Me temporarily disappeared, and I need to investigate that. A breath for discomfort, in all forms.
- On the topic of discomfort, my ankle is still not completely happy. Fortunately, it’s happy while I’m walking and dancing (which is huge). However, flexibility/mobility still limited, and can’t do anything high impact. A breath for steady healing.
- Still feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of things to be done. A breath for what is, and for perspective.
- Stress and worry and problem-solving and trouble-shooting. A breath for desiring comfort.
- I ran into an old pattern that involves going numb during a particular kind of confrontation. Suddenly I forget about the breadth of available options, and I only see two. I chose the less dangerous one, but oh the numbness. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- I can’t go to New Orleans. This came up last March in slightly different circumstances, and I am noticing my stuff about that. A breath for remembering that now is not then, and trusting in right timing. There will be a right time for this, and in the meantime, this is the right time for something else.
- Not getting as much sleep as I would like. A breath for adjusting.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Dancing all weekend long! Salsa twice, four magical hours of waltz, a very fun cha cha with this guy who had to be in his mid-late eighties (“You know what darlin’? You and I are the best looking people on this whole damn dance floor!”), and three hours of east coast swing. A breath for pleasure, delight, being a gazelle.
- Best birthday present ever. Danielle took me to the Barefoot Sage and we spent a hour deliciously relaxing. I think the last time we went was two years ago, and we have been missing it ever since. A breath for surprise beach day!
- It was Purim and I baked hamentaschen and everyone loved them. And Svevo was visiting, and we had brunch with my wonderful cousin Noah, and just…I don’t know, lots of happy this week. It felt really good. I can’t remember the last time things were so good. A breath for this.
- The Spy aka the spy who loves me. A breath for enjoying each individual moment as something that is completely beautiful and important on its own.
- Lots of energy this week. Not worn out. This is new and exciting. A breath for the idea that it could also be like this.
- Walks in the park. Flowers everywhere. Sun. Spring time, glorious spring time. A breath for appreciation.
- So many good things. Food that is delicious. Friends who are understanding. Warmth, friendliness, welcoming. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
- I got a surprising amount done this week, all projects are moving forward bit by bit. A breath for turning corners.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I am almost done decorating Say Everything Twice (Say Everything Twice). We have fun things happening at the Ballroom. WHAM BOOM.
Still playing with Operation Houston It Is The Vicar and Operation Pop Up.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I got the superpower I have been longing for: appreciating the absence of X! Appreciation that my ankle is well and I can walk in the park. That I’m no longer terrified of being asked to dance in certain situations. The many options of Dropped-G food there are all around me.
I was able to smile about what was, instead of being upset about what wasn’t. This feels big.
Superpowers I want.
More of the above, and a repeat ask: the power of perfect simple solutions everywhere, to the point that it is just hilarious how plentiful, perfect and simple they are. With some sexy fearlessness on the side.
Salve. The Salve of Sexy Fearlessness.
In salsa class, I learned this technique called the Spanish Strut.
As soon as you put this salve on, you have some of that. There is a boldness, a playful boldness. It is a little fierce and a little fun, and you don’t care what anyone thinks, because you’re here and you are bringing the party with you. This salve spreads joy too, because everyone who encounters sexy fearlessness whispers a secret “hell yeah”, and smiles happily just to have seen it.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from TJ, it is called 45 Degrees From Hiding, and as it turns out, they are… just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish #245: it is real and it isn’t
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
{A little note about timing}
This week’s wishes are delayed — though, really, what does that mean, of course wishes are right on time, they’re just doing it in their own timing.
That is the hardest thing for me to remember, about everything. The superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
Anyway, my computer (not unlike me) was experiencing some ongoing fussiness this week. So thank you, Richard, for fix-it-ey magic and thank you, everyone who has been looking forward to wishing time. In the meantime, I am taking a breath and trusting that All Timing Is Right Timing.
Or, at least, reminding the monster crew that this is a possible approach.
What do I want?
I had this understanding last week related to overwhelm. Well, related to my perception that I am constantly feeling overwhelmed.
My realization did not help with the feeling. Still overwhelmed!
It is helping a little bit with frame, though. Perspective.
So I want to mess around with this some more, gently, see what I learn.
What am I noticing?
I am noticing the extent to which I find daily life all by itself completely overwhelming.
Too many things! Too much input! Too little acknowledgment about how hard this is!
And then you realize you haven’t washed your hair in two weeks (okay, maybe this is just me) and then burst into tears because it is One More Thing, and you’re already over capacity.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever gets anything done without a massive breakdown.
I mean, good god. I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a pet. I don’t have to feed anyone, take care of anyone or worry about anyone (and I am enormously happy about all of these things). And still I find just getting through the day, with the never-ending constantly-updating multitude of tiny things that need doing, way too much to handle. So yes: overwhelmed = real!
At the same time, even if I didn’t have to work and had nothing to do at all other than the two things I am currently [not-quite-obsessing] in love with — writing and dancing, I’d still be overwhelmed. So in that sense, overwhelmed isn’t real, it is a perception or pattern or choice. I could go on retreat for three years and still be overwhelmed. It isn’t going away unless I change how I think. So it is super real (more than I think it is!), and also it is not real at all.
What do I want?
I was talking about this with Nick, and he asked: “Do you think overwhelm is a choice? For me, overwhelm seems to be an involuntary byproduct of certain situations.”
So here’s my take on that:
I choose to react and I choose how to react. Habit of course will dictate my initial reaction. And then I can notice that and figure out what I want to do with it.
The challenge is: once I’m whooshing my way down the familiar neural pathway, I don’t necessarily see my choices and options.
So it’s like with all patterns. When I first start working with a pattern, I’m not going to be able to interrupt it at point Zero. I’m going to sail at least a dozen links down the line before I can play with it. Which is fine, that counts too.
Noticing the pattern is changing the pattern. Doing anything differently is changing the pattern.
If the pattern used to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…now the pattern is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, notice, slightly-different-6-because-I-am-watching-it, here’s a COMPLETELY NEW SEVEN and okay, hello eight.
What am I noticing?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I want to try to remind myself that it is real (legitimacy), and that it is not real (reassurance).
Yes, this is a ridiculous number of things that I am attempting to do, and also, this feeling and tightness and panic are not required. These are habitual responses. My response makes sense (because I really do have too many things!). And I can work with altering how I respond, and I can do that right now. The answer isn’t waiting until I eventually don’t have a million things waiting for my attention. The answer is pausing, breathing, paying attention, meeting my fear with love.
What do I want?
I want the glorious return of Putterday.
Putterday was this experimental thing I did where one day a week just went to wandering around the house taking care of things.
Being in Barrington mode. I love Barrington. Barrington is never overwhelmed, I don’t know how she does it.
Anyway, on Putterday, I don’t do anything except for those little things that never get done.
It isn’t a holiday but it isn’t a work day. It is maintenance time, the thing that keeps the ship running.
I want a WEEK OF PUTTERDAY!
What am I noticing?
Remembering the wonderful story that Barbara Sher tells about her barn that burned down. How she was waiting and waiting for the right weekend to sort through all the stuff in there, and it never happened. When it went up in smoke, she suddenly realized that she was never going to take that weekend. The loss was a gift.
So maybe A Week of Putterday is a mythical creature, a yearning.
And maybe it is a real thing: the monster crew is certainly up in arms about the possibility of something like that ever happening. They think I should just be on top of things. And that if I’m going to take time off work (which will surely lead to Doom), then I should at least go relax somewhere instead of puttering, so I can come back refreshed and ready to resume Doing All The Things That Must Be Done.
This is another moment for me to come back to what is real and what is not real, what is true and what’s also true.
It is true that Puttering Time might not be the answer, and it is also true that I’m allowed to want it.
It is true that it might not give me what I want, and it is also true that it’s a valid experiment.
What do I want?
This is all about returning again.
The return of quiet, the return of Putterday, the return of lovingly maintaining, and mostly, I am now realizing, the return of Assertive Me.
I’m not sure exactly where she fits into all of this, but it is suddenly wonderfully clear that she can change my current relationship with feeling overwhelmed.
She neatly sidesteps my avoidance patterns, the hurts and the anger, the saying and the not saying.
She knows how to move forward, she knows about momentum, she has buffer phrases on hand, she cuts through the crap, she makes her own perfect simple solutions.
What am I noticing?
This is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have.
So Assertive Me is already here.
I just need to remember that. And to ask for her help.
Where do I want to start?
Interviewing Assertive Me. Skipping stones. Maybe doing a half day Putterday. Maybe doing this in companionship with someone…
What are the qualities of my wish?
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
Clues?
I have been making some silent wishes lately, not putting them here. And suddenly things are moving. Clue!
And the clue from a few weeks ago, what I thought was an impasse is actually a riddle: still working for me.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s op: waltzing something into the light.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka dropping my Gs…
Last week’s wish had to do with an intentional pause: not consuming G. The G was a form of a food (literally consuming) and in the form of an emotion. Both of these ended up being way easier than I was expecting. The more amazing thing — for me — was how many people in my life were wonderfully supportive, beyond my expectation. Really, everyone but one person. So that was a good thing to learn. Keeping up the experiment for now.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox