What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Quiet goodbyes to 2012.
It feels a bit early, a bit raw really, to do any kind of review/revue of this incredibly hard and challengingyear just yet.
But I am feeling a strong need to PASSAGE, really and truly. Tonight. I am ready to cross through.
So in the interest of making this day a door, I will skip some stones with love.
What do I want to remember about 2012?
That I made it.
Not: “made it” in terms of success or (blah) goals. And not in terms of survival: not not-making it.
More that I made my way to the end of it with grace. That I was able to go through the hardest year of my life with presence, and sometimes even with laughter and vitality. I made it through. I crossed the hardest crossings.
I am here. And not just still-standing. Fully here. Appreciative. Even with all that happened.
What was hard about 2012?
Most of this has to be [silent retreat-ed] for a variety of reasons.
But:
- The crashing and burning of a long-standing and important relationship.
- Insomnia.
- The loss of four special friendships.
- The loss of nearly ALL of my staff.
- Nearly losing [X].
- Heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak.
- Long-lost stones (people) returning only to leave again, in the worst way possible.
- Thinking Stompopolis would open in April but then opening it turned into the most complicated and layered mission imaginable.
- The worst piece of news.
- The greatest misunderstanding.
- Discovering that person I thought was my most ardent champion — the person I thought believed in me more than anyone in the world, is not that person at all.
- The loss of the [thing that sustains me]. Not the thing itself but my relationship with it, my work, dreams and visions.
- All the barns burning.
- Fear. Pain. Anger. Hurt. Sadness. Loss. Grief.
Thanks for the teachings, 2012. And I never want to learn anything in such a hard and painful way again.
But/and! Look at where I’m at…
Appreciative and grateful. Having deeply processed all of these things. Being okay with them and with where I’m at with them.
- This is the year I rediscovered a lost part of me and reintegrated her.
- This is the year that I became Havi Bell.
- This is the year of receiving directives. And finally being able to listen. To follow through.
- This is the year that I stopped neglecting myself.
- This is the year that I put my attention to empyting and replenishing as a way of being.
- This is the year that I stopped working myself to death and started working lovingly. An hour or two at a time. Sure, it happened because all my attention had to go to not falling apart. But I learned to work in healthy ways, in creative, fun Rally ways, as a way of being all the time.
- This is the year that I learned that my worst fear isn’t all that bad, because now is not then, and I’m better equipped to handle it now.
- This is the year of having the right playmate for the right kinds of play.
- This is the year of the costumes and the bells and the delight.
These are also teachings. So thanks you, 2012, for these things that were delivered in sweetness.
What bits wisdom do I want to keep from 2012?
Stones go and return. And then they return again. Nothing that is truly mine can be lost. And the things that have come back are better than what I mourned losing.
The thing I fear cannot hurt me. The only thing that can hurt me is disconnecting from myself and not taking care of myself.
Even in the hardest of the hard, I was able to trust and give. To dissolve and radiate, to look for the clews.
Some things take as long as they take. And there is nothing wrong with this. Nothing is behind. You aren’t doing anything wrong, Havi.
Allies are everywhere.
Sometimes the purpose of a stone is not to be your stone, other than in that moment. It is to move you from one part of the river to another part. Such is the way of stones.
Many different costumes for many different things. Not one costume for everything. Same goes for identities or aspects of identity. Things can co-exist.
Be a bell. Ring anything you want to ring. Turn any room or building into a bell, and be a bell inside the bell.
Conducting always works.
All you need is an 8 Letter Word.
Being a spy is more fun than not being a spy.
I am done with so very many things. And that is okay.
Some of the best superpowers of 2012:
The superpower of singing the songs of the barns burning.
The superpower of remembering that six months from now I’m probably going to be relieved about the thing I’m currently hating. I can skip that part by finding the good.
The superpower of de-cobwebbing.
The superpower of not all progress is linear.
The superpower of turning anything into a compass.
The superpower of pre-emptive congruencing: doing away now with the thing that is going to be disharmonious or incongruent in a while.
What beautiful memories do I want to hold from 2012?
Being a gazelle.
Cannery pier.
The stairway in the Elliot. A beautiful apple from a bowl.
The time I fell and thought it was the worst thing and actually it was the best thing.
Beach day.
August 3rd.
Long lazy weekends with my playmate, having all the words.
Slow sweet yoga in Hoppy House, in the park, at the Playground, in the Director’s Room while on Chrysalis.
The best sandwich in the world, and the best temporary companion for eating the best sandwich in the world. Hilariously, that one is not a metaphor. Actual sandwich.
Stars.
Singing in Stompopolis. Singing to Stompopolis.
Rallies and the Crossing.
What worked? Things I’m bringing with me into the new year from the old one:
Beach day and Fake Beach day.
The VICARAGE.
Solstice and Equinox.
Slightly Sexy Ounce Dice Trice.
Next time I might…
Choose to hire people who are not in my circle of friends. That way, if they need to leave and/or stop speaking to me, I won’t make it about me. It wasn’t about me anyway, but it took me way too long (and twice!) this year to figure this out.
Remember that stones return.
Remember that the thing that seems like bad news is not bad news, and that I can investigate that.
Pause first. Paws! And then pause some more.
Goodbye, 2012.
This year I learned about upheaval, destruction, and everything falling down. And I also learned that I was safe and held the entire time, even when it was hard to see and feel. Sometimes it was really hard to see and feel.
I cried out my body weight in tears, over and over again. And I laughed. Bitterly at first, and then that life-laugh of I am here.
Let’s have today mark being done with this old way of learning. Let’s have the new transitions be sweet and (thank you, Max!) wonderfully mild.
May 2013 be radiant and, most of all, may it be peaceful.
And may I be able to learn things this year without traversing such stormy seas. May I meet everything that comes in with steadiness and presence. With ringing bells.
Play with me.
I am open to:
Playing along (in any form you like), hand-on-heart sighs, smiles, warm wishes for sweetness and delight in the new year. Any of the above.
Or anything sparked for you. Or things you want to drop into the fountain about your own year.
As always, we don’t give each other unsolicited advice here. Just love.
Visions #182: with a steady smile
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: Who’s keeping track of special ops?
Here’s what I want:
I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and panicky over the past few days.
My two busiest monsters (The Mssrs. TOO MANY THINGS and NOT ENOUGH TIME) are both working overtime and tag-teaming each other.
I sat with them and we played a few rounds of what’s true and what’s also true. We learned that yes, it’s true that the next three weeks have a hell of a lot of things that need doing. This gave us some information on how to set things up differently next year.
And when we got to the part about also true, it became clear that none of the things are very difficult or time-consuming. And we have a method: naming the mission and setting it up, with super secret spy code.
But then they worry about who will keep track of all the missions?!
The qualities inside of the want:
Clarity. Order. Calm. Spaciousness. Congruence. Harmony. Clear seeing. Truth. Radiance. Resilience. Sustainability. Flow.
And the superpower of being my own control tower.
Ways this might work:
I can go to the Floop and list out all the operations. And then find out what their secret names, costumes and attributes are.
Once I’ve sorted them out, they can go into Paperless, the app that I want to marry.
I’m playing with…
Drinking tea. Believing. Letting things go.
Thing 2: Operation DOLPHINS.
Here’s what I want:
Okay, this one is a metaphor and a proxy and a fractal flower, so just go with this.
I am the Director of the world’s premier Dolphin Adoption Agency.
And I have been considering closing the agency even though I love the dolphins and I love that people want to adopt dolphins. It’s just way too much work and also sometimes people abandon the dolphins and then I feel sad and despondent.
So I have been interviewing myself: talking to the version of me who excels at this job and is thrilled to be doing it.
This week I’d like to quietly and lovingly re-open the doors of the Dolphin Adoption Agency, with a warm heart and a steady smile. And to do it in a way that feels right for me. Because a happy Director is, it turns out, vital to a thriving agency.
The qualities inside of the want:
Freedom. Orchestration. Peacefulness. Innovation. Newness. Sustenance. Flow. Sovereignty. Freedom. Boundaries. Responsibility. Lightness. Love.
And the (hilarious) superpower of remembering that the most important thing about running an Agency is the quality of AGENCY.
Ways this might work:
Get more advice from me-the-Director.
Take it to the cafe.
I’m playing with…
Letting this be easier than I think it will be.
Letting the Floop help.
Thing 3: Operation MILLINER
Here’s what I want:
Operation Milliner! I have a gigantic editing project and I am so very much not in the mood. So I want to either get in the mood or I want it to be easy. What do I know about the op?
- Color: Gold
- Superpower: Always looking good in hats means…. (find out!)
- Costume: all the hats, of course!
- Code within code: M.I.L.L.I.N.E.R.
- Contact: Brigitte can make the drop in Bonn. Or Ulf.
MILLINER also stands for: Malleability. Immersion. Lusciousness. Laughter. Inspiration. Newness. Effortless. Radiance.
The compass will begin North at M and goes clockwise and then counterclockwise: “Malleability immerses in luscious laughter, inspired by newness and effortlessly radiating. Malleability radiates effortless newness, inspiring laughter and lusciousness, immersed in malleability.”
Elements of the operation include:
(1) Setting.
(2) Conducting in and conducting out. .
The qualities inside of the want:
Creativity. Inspiration. Playfulness.
The superpower of letting things change shape easily.
Ways this might work:
At the Playground. With flowers. More flowers!
I’m playing with…
There is a dress…
Noticings about the things I want this week…
They have to do with getting things in order, finding rhythms internal and external. And they require a playful approach, because otherwise I get overwhelmed. And if I’m not enjoying myself, how can I be the director of the world’s foremost dolphin adoption agency? See?
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Coloring. Like this.
- Helena.
- Operation STOCKING.
- Operation 6 Sundays
- A solemn promise about next December.
- Revue.
- Goodbye, goodbye, 2012.
- A ritual, made new.
- Goodbye, goodbye, 2012.
- Doorways and doorways.
- Let there be dancing.
- Steadiness and grace
I’m playing with…
A pot full of harmony.
Smiling all the smiles.
Yoga nidra.
Staying committed to playfulness and vitality when I can, to presence and breathing when I can’t.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Wow. So Operation CAKEWALK was a smashing success. Also I forgot to give credit to Kyle for the name, which was part of what made it such a great operation to begin with. I loved it.
Operation Four on the Floor was much more challenging than expected. BUT. I wrote a forty page ebook. So that was pretty great.
And I made huge progress on the mezuzot, because of something that happens every year that I always forget about.
The bonus wishes worked well too. Replanting a few of them for more of the same. Yay.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #231: A hook is a small but wonderful thing.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What an odd week. It feels as though I managed to pack a month in here except wasn’t it just five minutes ago that I was chickening last week’s Chicken? Time. It is the funniest.
Interestingly, this is also what I have been writing about this week. Onward.
What worked?
Beach Rally!
Danielle and I spent three nights in a sweet cozy cabin at the Pacific Ocean.
And I treated it like Rally (Rally!). I wrote and napped and skipped stones and did lots of old Turkish lady yoga.
Everything about this was exactly what I needed. And it turned out to be the best way to spend the solstice.
Letting plans change.
Toozday was designated to be Writing Day. But then it was more of a meh-no-energy day.
So I turned it into a Putterday. Which was so great.
And the puttering cleared my head and set up the entire week for writing.
Sharing a vision.
I told Richard about my new plans for my Wish Room (former office) and closet, and he found the just-right hooks, and helped me make things even more perfect than what I’d been imagining.
Next time I might…
Extend Beach Rally.
I try every year to come up with some sort of tradition for what to do on christmas day. The zombie yule idea is so great, but I haven’t made it stick. And I want something that’s mine.
This year I found myself dearly wishing I’d stayed at the beach.
So. Next year. Solstice through zombie yule! Hiding away in a cabin and writing. Horizon and water, just like I asked for.
And hot tub please.
Also I made a list in the Paperless app (which I am using as a sort of portable Book of Me) for necessary and desired things to bring with me to a beach cottage.
Remember that You’re Always Behind is a lie.
In fact, Behind is always a monster word. And anytime I hear myself thinking the words You Are Behind, I want to remember that this is a monster.
The biggest (and smallest!) paper tiger of a monster.
If everything is part of flow, then there is no such thing as “being” behind. And if everything is not part of flow because that’s hippie nonsense, then imagining that the moment of being “behind” to be part of a flow is useful. Because then I calm down and start looking for how the not-doing is part of the doing.
And the not-doing is ALWAYS part of the doing. The not-doing is often the most important part of the doing. And it is most certainly part of the setting things up for doing, once you take out the guilt.
You’re Behind is about guilt. And countering guilt with presence, conscious awareness and intentional permission is magic.
I know this. But sometimes I forget. Sometimes-a-lot. Once I remembered, everything got better. Next time I plan to remember earlier. And to color first!
The hard.
- Beach Rally was not nearly long enough.
- Inowanna come home!
- Having a cold.
- That messed with Finally Back To Hours And Hours Of Slow Sweet Yoga.
- Some awful PTSD from surprise holiday fireworks. Left me panicky and jangled.
- Nightmares. Possibly related. Truly awful nightmares.
- Not sleeping well because of jangled and nightmares. Woke up one morning to discover that I’d knocked everything off my bedside table in my nocturnal panicky flailing. Broken glass everywhere.
- Not in the mood for [this week’s big project].
- Monsters about that. You’re So Behind has so many friends. At times it seemed like the whole There’s No Time Gremlin Collective was up in arms. Which turned out to be really useful. But until that happened: not fun.
- Covered in dog hair. DO NOT LIKE. For me, one of the best (oh, let’s say, top 50) things about not living in Bolivia is getting to wear beautiful clothing and not worry about getting drool or chewed up food on them. Dogsitting this week was super fun but man, I just hated being covered in hair. And I hate feeling fussy.
- Headachey.
- Sore.
- Missing someone.
The good.
- Beach time and solstice with Danielle. Writing, napping, reading, process, yoga, epiphanies. Perfect.
- Finally Back To Hours And Hours Of Slow Sweet Yoga.
- And I did some substantial [code name: Tree of Life], for the first time since everything fell apart.
- Sitting in the hot tub. Until we were banished (yes, banished!) by a hailstorm.
- Going out to see a movie on christmas eve.
- Coming home from Beach Rally to discover that my conducting vault (former closet, now meditation nook) had been painted in the interim! It now has a gold ceiling and it is beautiful. Thank you, Heinzelmännchen!
- Playmate. We are in this, I don’t know, intense period of intensity. We are playing all the ways that can be played, and I am learning so much about what it means to be Havi.
- The words “unspool” and “infiltrate”.
- Nick recorded a song for my beach holiday.
- Ha! I have community after all. I act like I don’t but I do. Monday reminded me of this. These are the warm familiar faces in my life, and I like it. It feels like I’ve landed here.
- Hooks! All the right hooks in all the right places.
- I am a cat.
- Writing nest at the Playground! The best. My playmate: “My god. What decadent green Heaven are you hiding in?”
- Three days of writing in the writing nest!
- The 2013 Stompopolis calendars are here! And they are stunning. I am in awe. This morning we’re shipping the international orders: United Kingdom, Ireland, France, Belgium, The Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Germany, Austria Czech Republic, Australia, New Zealand. Tomorrow we ship North America. EXCITEMENT and JOY! I am so happy.
- Catching up with Garret, twelve years later.
- Dance class and more dance class!
- “Christmas is for Pleasure.” It’s in the calendar now.
- Dog-sitting. Playing with Buddy and Izabelle (yes, that’s how she spells it, and yes, I have a problem with it but dogs are funny about spelling, right?), who are the BEST DOGS. Adoring them.
- I’m not the only person who makes fun of the irritating gratuitious umlaut phenomenon! Is that just one guy? Anyway, Fritinancy has a pinterest board for this. Warning: this might make you hate humanity. It’s awful-awful-awful. You have been warned.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of Recognizing Monster Language When It’s Disguised As Logic.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of letting things expand and contract at exactly the right times.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band by way of Steven, who still hasn’t bought me that drink.
The Piñata Butts
They’re a progressive pagan metal mariachi band.Though, of course, much like Steven himself, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you haven’t signed up for the class on time, do that. It’s about to get better, because of a thing I can’t tell you about yet. More soon.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #181: It’s a cakewalk.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: Operation Cakewalk.
Here’s what I want:
Opearation Cakewalk!
- Color: Teal
- Superpower: Everything is Ridiculously Easy and More Fun Than You Think It Will Be
- Costume: scarves! And sparkly eyeshadow.
- Code within code: C.A.K.E.W.A.L.K.
- Contact: Our man in Lichtenstein!
CAKEWALK also stands for: Congruence. Adaptation. Kookiness. Ease. Willingness. Anticipation. Lusciousness. Knight.
The compass will begin North at C and go counterclockwise: “Congruence knights lusciousness with anticipation and willingness: easy kookiness helps with adaptation!”
Elements of the operation include:
(1) Writing the thing that need to be written.
(2) The business card says: I make things fun.
(3) Finding a more fun way to celebrate Zombie Yule or to reconfigure my X Marks The Spot holiday plans in some way.
The qualities inside of the want:
Playfulness. Sovereignty. Spaciousness. Grounded Enthusiasm. Delight. Pleasure. Silliness. Transformation. EASE.
The superpower of how saying cake makes everything better.
Ways this might work:
Ooh. Can this involve James Bond?
Agent Brooks goes to see a 007 film: it’s secret code within secret code within secret code. Also I can look for clews.
And I’m thinking: costume.
I’m playing with…
Our man in Lichtenstein, of course. Rowr.
Thing 2: Doorposts.
Here’s what I want:
To order the mezuzot.
The qualities inside of the want:
Doorposts. Doorways. Passage. Crossing. Ease. Delight. Commitment. Presence. Compass. Trust. Right timing. Flow.
The superpower of Everything Is A Door. And the superpower of remembering that not going through one door is going through another door, so choose your doors.
Ways this might work:
Talk to Incoming me. Also past-you left a list. Find it.
I’m playing with…
Paying attention to all the doorways, doorframes and doorposts this week.
Thing 3: Operation Four On The Floor.
Here’s what I want:
There are two huge writing projects that need my attention this week.
I want this to feel cozy and snug, on my belly on the rug, rolling on the playground floor, having all the words find me.
The qualities inside of the want:
Coziness. Playfulness. Wonder. Delight. Sparkliness. Surprises. Flow.
The superpower of This Is The Exact Right Time To Be Doing This Thank God I Waited Until Now. Also known as the superpower of appreciating the process that didn’t look like a process.
Ways this might work:
Writing date with my playmate. The blue notebook.
I’m playing with…
Letting flowers change the space. Way more flowers than you’d think necessary. All the flowers. And nothing else. White space and flowers.
Noticings about the things I want this week…
Well, I’m a secret agent. And this is basically a chance to wear lots of costumes and take my play very seriously. It’s sexy, sweet and full of wonder. Liking this.
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Letting December last a little longer.
- The color teal.
- The business cards, of course.
- Wearing white.
- Being a bell.
- It’s all about time, isn’t it.
- Biding my time.
- Kate’s.
- Prepare for the VICARAGE by thinking about the equinox.
- Eight letter words.
I’m playing with…
Containers.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I asked for an extra dose of peacefulness AND I GOT IT! I didn’t think it would happen but Danielle and I ran away to the beach for three nights and everything got quiet. Oh, peacefulness! The best.
Then I wanted to know what was useful about a Certain Perceived Delay, and I talked to Incoming Me about this. So first of all: she’s hilarious. And second of all, it is not a delay at all. I was mistaken. Hooray!
I wanted a thing that would hold my money and ID while out dancing, and a number of you made fabulous suggestions.
(Ben, I am completely in love with the company you linked to, and also with the fact that you can apparently shorten treadmill to treddie in Australian, in addition to all the other words that you can shorten, which is apparently all of them. This delights me. THANK YOU.)
Anyway, I ended up getting this ridiculously sparkly teal armband from Come Along Cuff, and can’t wait to go dancing. LET’S ALL GO DANCING.
Also several bonus wishes landed, including Passport (a big one!), Eva, 80s, writing time and vault time. I’ve had two straight days of vault time and wow. Appreciative.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #230: an eight letter word for pleasure
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Being in character.
I got to pretend to be … let’s call her Ms. [B], for a good chunk of this week, and this gave me a really good sense of what it is like to be her.
So then everything I was working on happened through the filter of her, and that gave me some much needed distance/perspective/insight.
Also it turns out she has no qualms about all kinds of things that I have ALL THE QUALMS about. None whatsoever. So that was liberating and cool.
Knowing what I wanted.
I was really clear about what I wanted. I asked Danielle if she wanted too. She did. And then everything worked and we made it happen.
Making everything into a spy game.
Secret codes for the secret codes.
Everything is an op. Everything stands for something. Everything is silly. Everything gets a ridiculous and vaguely-but-confusingly-sexy name. Operation Four On The Floor commencing at 19:00 hours. Who’s the contact? Our man in Zurich.
This is how I got everything done this week and made all the not-fun things fun to boot.
Next time I might…
Remember that being in character is really intense…
You know how when you invent a character, it’s somehow always astonishing to realize that they are suddenly their own people, making their own choices? Right.
A lot of what I processed through being Ms. [B] was INTENSE. She has access to an entire range of emotional states that I don’t really know about. She loves hard, feels deeply and … yeah, intensity!
I know she was working through some things for me (also a lot of things From Then), and I think it would help to have more time/space/acknowledgment for that.
Collect 8-letter words.
The more of these at my disposal the better. Especially if they are sexy or odd or fun to say.
(Suggestions welcome! Into the pot!)
P.L.E.A.S.U.R.E. already is an eight letter word, yes, I know.
Plan for solstice ahead of time.
See also: almanac of Havi Bell.
The hard.
- Working on the weekend.
- Sleeping through dance class every day.
- Waking up at four a.m.
- It’s cold! And dark!
- Havis need to bounce outside. And when it is too cold and dark to bounce outside, Havis get all Eeyore about it.
- Fake Beach Day was headachey. I stayed at home, which was not good. Too much energy and needing to disperse it.
- Too many things.
- Marisa is gone.
- Ugh the news. Ugh social media. Ugh why can’t everything come with trigger warnings.
- Sore muscles.
- Ridiculous requests.
- People forgetting things I’ve taught them.
- Six more weeks until I’m off to VICARAGE!
The good.
- The secret benefactor of my head/heart.
- Getting Things Done. Including the final 2% on The Big Iguana Of Stuck.
- A five day playdate with my playmate that was nothing short of spectacular. We played, in character, from Saturday night until Thursday morning.
- Getting to be Ms. B. and feeling all of her (complicated and fascinating) feelings.
- Lusciousness. Pleasure. Presence.
- A third secret compass.
- Quickie goodbye visit with Marisa for all the hugs. No really. All of them.
- Nick.
- The rededication ceremony at Stompopolis.
- Foyle’s War.
- I set up the thing that I was scared to set up.
- I have dates for the vicarage.
- A present. Just for me!
- Writing playdate with banjo accompaniment and much laughter.
- Operation Schmurphy Tango! Dear god how I love being a pretend spy.
- All the monster coloring and negotiating paid off with a massive epiphany that changes everything.
- I remembered to pause, and that was the exact right thing to do. Not everything requires a response!
- Six more weeks until I’m off to VICARAGE!
- I loved this week. Heart heart heart heart heart.
- Danielle and I ran away together and now we are at the beach and everything is better because of this.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Remembering that nothing is wasted. No, really.
At the time it seemed like I was just screwing around, messing up my life, doing one dead-end thing after another. But from where I stand now, it looks like I was following a treasure map. Lining things up. Adding skills.
And guess what? All the things that are happening right now that feel like a waste of time… they’re part of the treasure map for the next thing. This is exciting.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of being (thanks, Steven!) benevolently unpredictable.
YES PLEASE.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is from Kyle, who is so great that he also gave me imaginary glitter spraypaint:
Agile Triple Negative
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Take the class on Time.
That’s all I will say for now about that.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.