What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #214: Smack-dab in the middle. Hug point!
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Deep exhalation. Hi.
Okay. This was one of those weeks where the good and the hard were pretty much the same. Lots of overlap.
Which is, itself, kind of good.
At least, in the sense that this means there were good aspects or outcomes to all the challenging bits.
But in the venn diagram of hard-good, most of what happened this week falls smack-dab in the center.
I can’t tell you more than that. Though I probably could if I’d already written the Chicken. 🙂
The hard stuff
Working too hard. Needing more help.
Too many gigantic projects.
Really really feeling the gap where full-time positions need to go.
And I don’t know how to solve this one yet. And I’m feeling very wary about opening up a full-time Partner in Crime position again.
Visiting all the old places.
Literally.
Going to the place where I used to do Drunk Pirate Council every Thursday with the First Mate until that went very, very sour.
And I semi-accidentally ended up at the place of Havi’s Most Important Ritual, the one that died a sad sad death this summer, on the SAME DAY that the ritual used to happen and more or less at the same time.
All the old haunts, except that they are different and I am different.
Not enough sleep.
Tired Havi is not a happy Havi.
Well, actually I was so blissed-out on endorphins from a million-trillion dance classes that I was still a mostly happy Havi.
But seriously, sleep! I need it.
No more zombie days, please.
Plum Duff. It is so much work!
I adore Plum Duff but my god, the setting-up-of-it.
This took up most of my week and even though it is fun, SO MUCH WORK.
Skype dates.
Marisa and I worked and played together on Skype all week, which was wonderful.
But Skype! I did not realize I had so much old pain about it.
For years I have just told people that I don’t skype, and couldn’t even remember why.
Until I had to this week and remembered that I had closed my account. And then I also remembered why this had happened.
I used to skype all the time with my ex, this is years ago. Until the ex fell in love with some French girl and then every time I logged onto skype I had to look at these barf-barf-barf status updates like “yearning for Angelique“, ew. Also: knife in heart!
Anyway, no more skype. Until this week. So that was hard.
Also IT IS THE FUTURE, YOU GUYS, and video is weird, and I spent the whole time giggling and blushing and playing with my hair.
Trouble finding the useful inside of the hard.
Some not-good things have been happening, and I have been looking for where the useful is, and it has been hard to find.
Usually this means that I have not been acknowledging how damn hard the hard is before looking for the useful.
Grumble grumble hard-grumble-hard grumble!
Getting locked out of the Hypothalamus!
The lock to my office jammed.
And I couldn’t get in.
Right before a giant meeting and all my papers were inside and I couldn’t get to them.
It was incredibly stressful and agonizing. Also, all my monsters were yelling about the SYMBOLISM of it all.
(“See? You don’t take care of your space and now you don’t get to go in it. And it’s the brain center but you’re locked out! And that’s so typical, because blah blah blippity blah your life is a mess and it’s just getting worse!!!!!” — the monster committee.)
So we had to break out the monster manual (it worked!).
And then fortunately the handyman was nearby and brought a ladder, and a perfect solution revealed itself. So it’s okay now. Onto the good.
Talking about a scary thing.
And I’ll [silent retreat] on this.
The good stuff
I am now finding the useful and it is indeed useful.
Still don’t like the hard. Obviously.
But being able to see what is or might be useful about it. Yes. Yes.
I talked about a scary thing. Out loud!
So first of all: ALL THE SPARKLEPOINTS TO ME!
And then it wasn’t a disaster. Hey! It wasn’t a disaster.
The direction that emerged is not the one I would have chosen, but it works. And it was way better than anything the monster collective was predicting would happen.
Visiting all the old places, and it was okay!
Lady Chuck and I went out for dinner at the place that used to be Pirate Council time, and it was absolutely lovely. That was a sweet surprise.
And I only ended up at the Place of the Dead Ritual because a friend and I had to talk business stuff and it was nearby, and it just sort of happened.
Plus — and this is a huge thing — I had forgotten that it was that day.
The fact that I had forgotten is mind-blowing to me. Because for weeks all I could do on that day was think about not being at the place and not doing the thing. And what was X doing? And what music were they playing? And would Y be there?
So good news! I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I have stopped doing that.
And then, much to my astonishment, it turned out that everything is different there now. None of the people or experiences that I associate with that place are there anymore. The place reconfigured along with me, apparently.
I don’t think I will go back for a while. But it was not traumatic and horrible. This is big.
Not enough sleep because of very fun things.
Like extra-great playdates.
Or having ideas!
Or being at a spectacular light show.
Also: lots of catching up on sleep, due to the aforementioned lack of sleep. And the catching up was very pleasant.
There were at least three nights this week when I was asleep by 9:30. That’s the way it used to be before this whole year blew up in my face back in January. So that feels sweet and hopeful too.
Plum Duff! It is so much closer to ready.
Plum Duff days are the best.
And we haven’t done a Plum Duff since November.
You’re on the list, right? I know I haven’t said anything to the list in nearly a year, because I’m like that, but they will definitely hear about Plum Duff early and get first dibs on the good stuff.
Anyway, that was a fun project to play with this week.
Skype dates. IT’S THE FUTURE.
I got to talk to my Marisa every single day this week and gaze into her beautiful face and tap her on the nose. Almost like in person.
It was absolutely amazing.
And we conducted all the conductings and I love her.
Support.
Marisa and Danielle and Naomi and Amna and friends and goodness.
My friend who has disappeared is back!
Or: I am back.
Either way. This is good.
The light show.
It was spectacular.
What a night.
Also there have been some lovely side effects of the light show: for example, all the stones are lighting up, because that is how this works.
The word ENSHRINE.
It holds more than I realized. So much more.
Magical.
Playtime.
I learned lots of fascinating things about my playmate this week that I had never known before, my internal museum of playdate has expanded considerably.
And this week our playdates, while still beautiful, playful, creative and delicious, went in all kinds of new directions.
We played at, among other things: enshrining things, being birds, soaring, reconsecrating a temple, being an earthquake in an orchard, counting things, speaking in code and inventing consulting gigs as experiments.
I feel so much delight. In the sense of: I am delighting in things and delighting over things and being delighted in, and also there is delight everywhere when our minds connect.
Hug Point!
Danielle and I spent beach day at Hug Point, and it was exquisite.
I napped in the sun and did yoga in the sand and talked to Incoming Me. Beautiful.
I am okay.
I am still feeling anxious about the Not Good Piece Of News, but I am okay.
I am okay.
This is reassuring.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Rooster and the Boots.
They play a weird, unlikely mix of country and reggae — but it works! And their first album is, appropriately, titled Coming Home To Roost.
My playmate, who is hilarious, wants the band to be called Rooster Booty, featuring McHenzie Featherbottoms.
I don’t know.
Though, of course, McHenzie Featherbottoms is DEFINITELY just one guy.
As is the band. Obviously.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you’re not on the list, get on it. Seriously. Now is the time.
I hardly ever send anything at all, but you will get early notice about the fantastically great things going on during Plum Duff.
That means: special things that can’t usually be procured outside of the Playground Toy Shop, as well as bundles, packages and bonuses that make things extra-great and extra-affordable.
And if you can’t wait for that because [EXCITEMENT!] and you a member of the Floop, there is a huge discount/bonus thing happening there right now so peek at that.
Also, the Art of Embarking is a) incredibly useful, and b) the prerequisite for most things you might want to do. So if you don’t have that, now is a good time…
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #163: TRUST and PLEASURE
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
I have been having long talks with slightly future me, and it is helping me through some rough stuff.
And one of the things she told me when I asked her about trust was the following:
“Pleasure is always the answer.”
This kind of broke my mind, so this week I am exploring the relationship between trust and pleasure.
Not just in the obvious ways but in lots of different ways. So all of this week’s asks and wishes are on this theme.
What do I know about the relationship between trust and pleasure? Also: what don’t I know yet?
Thing 1: Making loving declarations.
Here’s what I want:
This week there are announcements to announce, things to tell people, stuff like that.
I want to say what I have to say with love.
Detached from the outcome, receptive to perfect simple solutions, delighting in possibility.
That is what I want. It feels like a tall order right now but I’m going to process this and I will get there.
Ways this might work:
Mapping the patterns.
Doing shiva nata on it.
Writing it out. Dancing it out. Changing my metaphors. Using those four questions.
I’m playing with…
Clarity and certainty: knowing what I want and giving myself permission to want what I want.
Thing 2: Partnering. And learning about that.
Here’s what I want:
Support, in a variety of forms.
And to experience that sensation of other people having my back.
Ways this might work:
More partner yoga play with Danielle, my partner in partnered yoga.
More skype dates with my Marisa.
I’m playing with…
Giving myself permission to take it slow because this is SO DAMN HARD FOR ME.
Thing 3: “This is for you, sweetie!”
Here’s what I want:
One of the things that Incoming Me is always doing is saying “This is for you, sweetie!” whenever she plants sweetness for tomorrow-me or next-week-me.
Like when we do laundry so that Havi-in-two-days will have clean towels. Or when we remember to buy toothpaste.
She whispers, “This is for you, sweetie!” and then she twinkles. It’s adorable.
I like that.
I would like to do more of that.
Ways this might work:
I’m not sure. I’m just going to try to stay peaceful and present.
I’m playing with…
Conducting!
As in: reclining on the floor and focusing on the qualities that will help me with this.
In this case, probably TRUST and PLEASURE.
Thing 4: Asking.
Here’s what I want:
I don’t like asking for things.
(She says, as she writes a Very Personal Ad.)
But that is the next step. I need to learn how to navigate this because some of this week’s adventures require requests. So that’s going to be interesting.
Ways this might work:
Change the words. Change the names. Change the vocabulary. Use secret agent code!
And convene an Enthusiastic. That will help.
I’m playing with…
Staying connected to slightly future me, and listening.
Investigating trust and pleasure.
Asking what it would be like to ask for things IF the act of asking was full of trust and pleasure. What would be different? What would be true? What would no longer be true?
Like that.
Thing 5: Plum Duff!
Here’s what I want:
We are so much closer to the magical thing that is Plum Duff Days.
I want excitement and enthusiasm! I want gleeful dancing around the room!
I want all the pieces to fall into place so that this can go smoothly and easily.
And I want help from friends.
Ways this might work:
Dance it up!
I’m playing with…
Getting really clear on what I want this to feel like this time.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to nudge that miracle along, and it partly worked and partly didn’t. I mean, it’s still a work in progress. I am committed to more nudging, and I think this stuff about trust and pleasure is the next step.
Then I wanted to adjust the bat signal (shhh, edit the wiki!), and some of that happened.
I wanted to take necessary steps that are a result of the secret coronation, and two really big ones happened. Except now there are more. So I need windows of time for this. But ten thousand sparklepoints for doing the hardest one!
Also I wanted progress on Plum Duff and that happened because Danielle helped me.
And I wanted to work on the Crumblet and haven’t touched it. Maybe tomorrow with Lady Chuck?
Basically I still stand by all of last week’s wishes and at the same time am admiring the progress. Sigh of acknowledgment. Replanting.
Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #212: Just giving out medals.
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Oh man, Friday.
Friday Friday Friday, how are you already here.
What even happened in this blur of a week? Let’s find out.
The hard stuff
Recovering from the Terrible Piece Of News.
This was the theme of the week.
Ignoring it, being with it, hiding from it, investigating it, reacting to it, not reacting to it, being in relationship with it, crying about it, wondering about it, poking it, holding its hand.
Me. And this piece of news.
The relationship between me and this piece of news. The relationship between me and my relationship with this piece of news.
That was most of this week.
Right. That’s why I’ve been avoiding chickening. Who wants to think about all the not-thinking about the thing you’re either not-thinking-about or over-thinking or remembering to get quiet with.
Not me, apparently.
Vulnerabilty.
Vulnerability, trust, tenderness and softness were the words of the week.
These are NOT THINGS HAVI FEELS COMFORTABLE WITH.
But these were what showed up.
Too much to do. Too little time to do it in. Not enough help.
I could go into way more detail but that basically sums it up.
Frustration and pain about all of that.
Tough decisions.
I do not like the tough decisions!
For the record…
Holy crap it’s almost SEPTEMBER!!!
I was so excited about having a month to not-teach and find out what I am like when not-teaching, but honestly, it has flown by so quickly that it’s barely registered.
Not knowing to react in specific situations.
Feeling a little jangly and unsure.
Not knowing what I want.
This is frustrating.
Still waiting on that miracle…
Havis are not good at waiting.
Having trouble remembering the thing about how Now Is Not Then.
A lot of reminders of Then this week.
The good stuff
The weekend!
Every single minute of it.
I spent my weekend in a delirious state of play. PLAY!
Playmate! Words! Playing with the words! Loving all the words!
And I also danced up a storm and I couldn’t stop smiling. I smiled so hard that my face hurt. I radiated happiness.
Oh, and I met delightful people on the bus and took pictures of the most marvelous signs and laughed and laughed and laughed.
This weekend wins the medal for Best Weekend Of The Year. At least.
Smiling.
I recommend it!
Sometimes, lots of times, I do not feel like it. This week I couldn’t stop.
Dance dance dance dance dance.
It solves all the problems!
For me, yes? Of course the People Vary rule applies, as it always does, this is just information about how Havi works.
Conducting.
When dance can’t solve all the problems, getting on the ground and breathing will do it too.
I learned new things about trust this week.
For example, that PLEASURE is important for trust, and not just the other way around.
If this sounds cryptic, that’s because it is. This was a piece of information from Incoming Me, and I have not fully unpacked it yet.
Honesty.
It’s hard stuff. But it was useful this week.
That moment when you have to find out.
There is this point when you become friends with someone when you begin to learn about all their complicated stuff. If you are a perceptive person, you begin to learn from the first interaction. But at some point, you become aware of the bigger story arc.
This week was time to learn about the stuff that belongs to someone I care about, and I had been kind of dreading this but it turned out to be all fine. It’s things I can handle. Nothing that is hard for me. This is new and tremendously reassuring.
Speaking of reassuring…
Lots of things were reassuring this week.
Vulnerability.
Remember when I said that vulnerability, trust, tenderness and softness were the words of the week?
I learned a lot of new things about these qualities, about aspects of me that have been hidden for a very long time.
It was painful at times, but it was also impossibly sweet and love-filled. It tasted like redemption and recovery and rediscovering lost pieces.
So I am feeling grateful for that.
Beach day.
It wasn’t what I expected.
But what I got was very good.
Also: amazing shiva nata on the beach that did wild things to my brain.
Support.
Danielle and Marisa and Wally and Jenny and my playmate, all being incredibly helpful and sweet when I needed it most.
[Silent Retreat!]
Not ready to talk about this yet so I’ll take a silent retreat.
Finally had time to do some damn laundry.
It’s the small things. It really is.
Good things coming…
Looking forward to all of them.
BOUT NIGHT! TONIGHT!
Watching Rose City wipe the floor with Minnesota should go a long way to improving my mood.
GOD I LOVE DERBY. Have I said that a hundred times already every day for the past five years?
You know what? I think I liked this week a lot more than I’d realized.
Thank you, Chicken-ritual.
That is a lovely thing to discover.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band sounds like what they sound like. That is: their name and the thing they do are related.
This band makes me think of Nick.
Self-Contained Tetrachords.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
My very favorite, of all the things-for-sale I have ever made, is the one I never link to here because I need to rewrite the copy.
It worked for me four or five years ago when I first wrote the page. But now it needs to be rewritten. Desperately!
But. This is the thing that I use constantly. This is what kept me from having seventeen hundred panic attacks all week. And a lot of very-very famous-on-the-internet people use it for the same reason but they probably aren’t going to tell you about that, for obvious reasons.
Anyway, the page may need a rewrite but the material is absolutely terrific. Life-saver. It’s the How To Calm The Hell Down Immediately package. It’s that good. Better, even.
And I’ll be doing some more in-depth teaching on this over the coming year — these skill-sets will be the place we’ll need to start from. Okay! That’s my heads-up for now.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #162: Adjusting the bat signal!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Wish-wish-wish-wish!
It seems as though I have lots of wishes this week. A lot of interrelated wishes.
They all have to do with the same things, though.
Spaciousness, patience, trust and approaching everything with playfulness and a certain willingness to be surprised.
Thing 1: nudging that miracle along…
Here’s what I want:
So last week I got a terrible heart-sinking piece of news, and I have been asking for a miraculous solution to show up.
And, interestingly, something miraculous did happen but not a solution. What happened is that something else came up to make me so deliriously happy that I am not at all worried about the terrible, terrible thing. However, terrible thing is still terrible, even though I am beaming and my face hurts from all the smiling.
Let it be said that I am hugely appreciating this beautiful glowing reprieve from a world of anxious, that part is good!
AND! I want a miraculous solution to the thing itself. Plus I think I can help it along by doing some things, so I want to figure out what they are and do them!
Ways this might work:
I could go somewhere relaxing (like the beach!) and make a list of All The Possible Ways.
And/or I could sit with a friend in a cafe and do this.
Then I can skype-date with Marisa and she can tell me which of the things to start with, because by that point I might not be able to choose.
Also I can do an OOD, that seems like a really good plan.
I’m playing with…
Staying connected to myself.
Doing shiva nata to mix up the patterns. Staying attuned to Play-Trust-Dance-Love.
Spending more time in the Hypothalamus (my glowing new office — it’s where I am right now!)
Thing 2: Adjusting the bat signal…
Here’s what I want:
This is metaphor mouse code for updating the wiki that we use for running Stompopolis. It’s where we keep all the information for the pirate crew.
There is much updating to update and I never feel like it because I have what feels like a billion trillion other things to do and blahhhh.
So I want to get excited about adjusting the bat signal. A form of attunement, everything lining up.
Ways this might work:
Maybe there are people who can partner up with me or sit with me while I do this. The Noodler is out of town but the First Mate? Or someone else?
I am not sure yet.
Danielle? Dana? Hmmm.
I’m playing with…
Wanting the want.
Changing the name.
Investigating!
Thing 3: Necessary steps related to the coronation.
Here’s what I want:
So. I took a giant step on a thing I wanted, and it happened, yay.
Except now there are countless little errand-ey things that need to be done. By me! In order for the next part to happen. This has very much not been happening.
And I have been crazy busy with opening Stompopolis, and also I think that maybe it doesn’t sound like fun?
So I need to find a window of time, and to find a way to make it fun.
Ways this might work:
I can ask Harmony. I can ask Havi Bell. Both of these people are me! Aspects of me…
I can invent some useful secret agent code for the different pieces.
And of course I can use the Floop!
Also I’m thinking this is going to require breaking out the monster manual.
I’m playing with…
RINGING ALL THE BELLS.
Right. Of course.
Thing 4: Plum! Duff!
Here’s what I want:
It’s almost Plum Duff time again.
Hooray for Plum Duff!
Except there is much work to be done for us to be able to tell people about it.
Again, I need some help. And I don’t know who can help me with this.
Ways this might work:
One of my friends could come sit with me while I work on it.
The First Mate and I could go to the Jumping Frog and have a day of outlining what needs to happen, and maybe we could divvy up tasks. Whee!
I’m playing with…
The superpowers of Willingness, Presence, Agility, Graceful Landings and Grounded Enthusiasm.
Also all the superpowers of Plum Duff. Like extremely tingly excitement! Effervescence. The superpower of ohmygod today is the best day ever!
Thing 5: The Crumblet!
Here’s what I want:
Okay, this requires some explaining. What doesn’t?
At the Playground, we have something called the PLUM, which is the Playground User Manual.
We’ve been developing a version of this for the pirate crew who run Stompopolis, and it is called the CRUMb. The Crew User Manual.
The silent ‘b’ can stand for anything. Like blissfulness. Or baked goods. I don’t know.
Some of the crew have been fretting about their responsibilities, and so we decided to make a mini version to give them. We do this for Rally too and it’s called a Plumlet. So of course this one is a Crumblet. This is a good thing!
Now.
I feel frustrated about this because a) I ALREADY HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO DO, and b) the main thing I ask of crew is that they work on their stuff when they are in their stuff, and now I’m coming up with a thing to help them with their stuff and agggggggggghhh this is just reminding me of how incredibly scared I am about how hard it will be to run an entire institution based on the principle of “work on your stuff, people” when the people in charge of it who have already been trained in this and are there to model it can’t necessarily remember to do this.
So part of my ask is about progress on the Crumblet, but really this ask is about working through both my frustration and my monster fears that running Stompopolis will turn out to be a giant pain in the ass instead of the beautiful vision of the humming castle.
Ways this might work:
More shiva nata, of course.
Doing some writing at Stompopolis.
Signing up for watches (that’s what we have instead of shifts) and observing.
I’m playing with…
Just planting this for now.
I don’t have to solve this yet. Just noticing the patterns and letting things begin to untangle through bringing in more awareness.
I am putting this entire situation in a box full of permission and love. And next week I will peek inside the box.
Thing 6: Let’s keep this beautiful slow-burning smile going.
Here’s what I want:
Last night I reached a kind of Buddha state of Everything Is Cosmically Beautifully Funny, and then I laughed.
I laughed for about forty five minutes straight.
Then I slept a delicious sleep for five hours, woke up and went back to laughing.
I giggled my way through the shower, and have had a gigantic smile plastered to my face all day.
I know that this, like everything, is temporary. But I would like to enjoy it for a while longer.
What if this could be a week of smiling broadly? Of being filled up on smile? I would like that!
Ways this might work:
Endorphin-inducing things. Like dance class and whatsit (that’s code for my Most Embarrassing Dance class) and old Turkish lady yoga and going for walks.
Playdate time with my playmate.
Remembering. Because yes, everything is cosmically funny.
I’m playing with…
This glowing smile that I am wearing right now.
Hope.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Interestingly, last week I asked for the same miracle. Except that I had absolutely no idea then how difficult the circumstances were going to turn out to be. So I think that last week’s ask brought me to the miracle of this current state of deep trusting joy, the joy that is here despite the terrible news.
And this week’s ask is taking it to a new place. A continuation.
I asked for ballsiness and I got it! In SPADES. It was awesome. More please!
Also I needed to find the missing piece of paper and I didn’t, but I found a different one and it was the right thing at the right time.
Then I wanted to inhabit the Hypothalamus, which was a big tangled scary ask, and it worked! Marisa and I worked and played here all week, and now it’s just my office and I’m not weird about it.
It still needs more things, but we moved in a table, found a beautiful tablecloth, added some chairs and stuff. It’s good. I’m there right now and it feels like home.
What else? I wanted to observe scripts and de-activate them, and YES! And I wanted to do things like a fairground stripper, and boy was that ever fun. I am re-planting that one because I want more!
Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #211: we’re putting the band back together.
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Two hundred and eleven weeks in a row of writing a Chicken to close out the week.
And now two weeks in a row that I’m sitting in the Hypothalamus (my new/new-ish office) to post it.
Hi. Friday. Chicken. Let’s do this.
The hard stuff
Huge PTSD trigger Saturday night.
I was walking home from the street fair and there were fast running accelerated footsteps behind me, and then I spiraled into the dark places.
Luckily for me, this person did not have bad intentions, despite several creepy and clueless things they did to indicate otherwise. And luckily for this person, I did not break a bottle over their head, though I was ready to. Understatement.
Then it took many, many, many hours to get my grounding back.
More on PTSD from the blog.
Too much social.
Overwhelmed.
I usually know to stay away from people, but this week there were lots of great people, and so that was hard.
And once I reach that state of overcooked, it takes a lot of time to come back to a baseline of force-fields-are-in-order.
Friday.
I fell apart on Friday too!
This time, work-related.
Luckily Marisa was there to comfort me.
That part was lovely. The overwhelmed, overworked, hormonal chaos, generally getting lost in all the scripts of hopelessness and helplessness was not fun.
On the other hand, having a friend to lovingly stroke your hair and bring you juice and say all the right things….that is a very big deal.
Still: overwhelm. The worst.
The awful, awful piece of news.
I received a terrible piece of news this week that I cannot and do not wish to talk about.
So I’m not going to talk about it.
But it shook me up. Very, very much.
And that was a big shadow over everything else this week. Lots of taking time out to interact with old fear, and stuff from then, and the real-life repercussions of right now.
Oh please, miracles. Show up. Now is the time.
Now is the time. Now is the time. Now is the time.
Trying to maintain receptivity and look for the hidden openings.
I will resolve this, but I do not yet know how. Trust and faith were a big deal this week, and it was hard.
Extreme heat.
It was something like 104 degrees Fahrenheit in Portland yesterday.
That is not okay.
The good stuff
Dance.
I bounced it out this week, and that made everything better.
Social was fun!
On Saturday I spent four hours with my playmate, two hours with Rebecca, and the rest of the day with Marisa, Ben and Chris.
There was fascinating conversation, delighted laughter and joyful singing for Stompopolis.
Plus I got to show Stompopolis to people who know nothing about it, and they got it.
Another thing: Chris gave me a clew, which was important.
And I didn’t fall apart during the day even though spending a day with people is really hard for me.
Harmony.
Incoming me is the best.
She had amazing ideas all week.
Shiva Nata
So much shivanautical play. So many gigantic epiphanies and mini-sparks of goodness.
And suddenly remembering quietly forgotten things that turned out to be incredibly useful and important.
Playdate. It is changing, and this is fascinating.
Everything changes. But. Playdating has been shifting and morphing in interesting ways.
Last week the fun of playdating was the ALL THE TIME of it. Let’s have a playdate and another playdate and then another one.
This week it was more like the Playdating was the regular way of being, and everything else I did was a break from playdating.
Related to this: I feel happy and peaceful and delighted.
This week had lots of things that were pleasurable.
Affection and loving sweetness and excitement and moments that were big moments.
This week had people I care about.
Especially Marisa who was here to hold my hand and pet me.
Mojo. It is back.
Mojo came back, business-wise.
On Friday I felt like a giant failure who (say the monster committee) has ruined everything! Despairing. But by the next day I felt the return of the business savant.
Like being a brilliant inspired business genius again who is a smart risk-taker and yes, okay, currently doing a crazy, yes, this is true, but it’s a FUN CRAZY!
YEAH! YEAH!
I can do this. That was exciting. I needed that. Because it’s been a long, hard year of hard with opening Stompopolis.
Beach day.
Ohmygod. Beach day.
This one was important. Big things happened.
A big chunk of my sadness is gone.
I walked across the saddest bridge and did not think about how it is the saddest bridge.
I walked by the place and it was no longer the saddest place.
Things are moving and changing. This is big.
Toozday.
Progress. Finally. Sweet loving help — and perspective! — and general adoration from my playmate. Then took that to a day of work-play-partnering with Marisa.
Marisa is the director of Math Camp. I am the director of the Playground.
Between the two of us we know more than just about anyone when it comes to CULTURE and cultivating/creating/distilling culture and explaining that.
So we were able to put our skill sets together and do miraculous things.
She threw together a terrific draft of the Plumlet, which I love.
I came up with new systems.
Fantastic progress!
Huge progress in general!
Wednesday! And Thursday!
Huge amazing magic happened at Stompopolis!
We played! We sorted things out!
We finalized the packages and pricing and everything there is to know about how we are running this like a speakeasy and not a gym, and how many member mice we can have playing there and all the things!
And we wrote an On A Mission From God statement (not a theistic one, that’s a Blues Brothers reference, obviously, we’re putting the band back together!).
“We’re putting the band back together.”
“Forget it. No way.”
“We’re on a mission from God.”
Anyway. It’s basically like a mission statement. But more fun.
We wrote one for Stompopolis, for the vision, for me, for the Pirate Crew and for the Noodler who is in charge of crew.
And we tracked all the things that need to happen in the Very Stuck System.
And we made progress on the Grand Refueling Station (formerly the Nap Room).
The point is ALL OF THIS IS GOOD, and we are closer than ever!
I AM FEELING HOPEFUL!
This is such a big deal. All caps forever!
You guys! You guys! It’s happening.
A better piece of news. And a return.
Someone close to me who unexpectedly dropped out of my life several months ago mysteriously showed up again this week.
And said pretty much word-for-word the exact thing I’d been wishing they would say, but did not actually believe would ever happen.
So that was beautiful and perfect, and just a few hours after I made a wish about that.
Tiny hopeful yay.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
- I got to this video from Claire! It’s beautiful. A tribute from Gotye to the people who cover his song, and linking to their videos. Neat.
- Like so many things, I got to this via my Second Favorite Nick. This video of Julia Childs is my new favorite thing. Possibly ever.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band comes to you via my brilliant Marisa:
Baptism by Sandwiches
They’re loud and soft and everything good.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Okay. If you have been thinking about getting something from the shop, here’s your heads up.
You might want to do that now.
Because things are about to get shaken up a little once Stompopolis opens to the public. There will be reconfigurings. Now is a good time to get stuff. Is what I will say for the present.
More to come. But for now: if you want a thing, definitely get it.
That’s all!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.