What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
A completely over-the-top love letter to June.
Because, let’s face it, sometimes saying hello is not enough.
June. June!
June, you are impossible.
And I mean that in the most bowled-over and admiring way.
My god, you are an exquisite month. I find it hard to believe that in May I said I wasn’t ready for you. I mean, yes, it’s true. I’m not. Who could possibly be ready for this?
You are outrageous.
Outrageous and all-consuming, with your overnight proliferation of ROSES EVERYWHERE, and the way the entire city is just lush lush lush lush lush.
I can’t bear to be indoors.
I want to walk up all the stone stairways, visit all the gardens, play with all the cats, hum all the hums, and live inside of this heady haze of secret shy delight.
I want to walk for hours in the brisk mornings and then unfold into sunshine with you. Do you see? I didn’t know June would be like this.
I am deep in the stupid, I have no attention span, all I want is June. June!
Seriously, June. You are so over the top, and apparently I am right there with you.
Superpowers of June:
Lusciousness.
Luminosity.
Sweetness.
Receptivity.
Anticipation.
A surprising steadiness.
And a kind of below-the-surface pulse-thrum flutter-thump of possibility.
How you are utterly different from everything I expected.
I don’t know, June.
May was deep waters. May was turning inward. May had loss and May had bright shining moments of redemption.
May had bridges: water meets sea.
And other more internal bridges. May was process.
So I guess I thought we were in for more of that, and then maybe a new adventure on the high seas.
But June isn’t sailing. June is ISLAND. June is all the islands at once.
June is tearing things up and knocking them down, but somehow in this inexplicably and deliciously peaceful way. I don’t really understand it either.
My wishes for June.
Oh, June.
May everything that is done be released.
May all the pieces land in new and beautiful formations, just like in Shiva Nata.
Also, Incoming Me told me a secret about the completion of a passage and what she called illumination through elimination. Yes, please. I’m still not entirely sure what it all means yet but I’ll take it.
My promise to June.
Appreciation. Recognition. Adoration of June-ness. Wonder.
I will laugh when I can and cry when I can’t, but I am here.
I am here.
So dance it up and dance it out. Let’s break things, create things, invent a new lexicon of pleasure and play.
Let’s be trouble together. There will be balloons and elaborate baroque rock formations. Ridiculous birds. Moths whispering truth.
Let’s do it.
June, keep delighting me with unexpected and intense moments of not knowing what the hell is going on. I can take it. Or maybe I can’t, but as Incoming Me whispered onto a blank page:
Courage. Courage. Faith. Faith. Faith.
Love, Havi.
Join me if you like. The commenting blanket fort.
This practice varies from month to month.
For variations, peek at: July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February / March / April / May.
You are welcome to write your own hello letter (or steamy love letter) to June , if you like.
Or you can leave little pebbles for my love letter. Or drop off some gwishes for the month.
As always, we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
Wishing you the most beautiful June possible. May it be full of unexpectedly good things.
Very Personal Ads #152: the Room of Mystery
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Oh boy! Very Personal Ads!
Some weeks this is the hardest thing that I practice, and other weeks I wake up each morning bouncy and full of wishes.
This was one of those. It feels good.
Thing 1: A perfect, simple solution.
Here’s what I want:
This is kind of vague (in fact, I feel the urge to call silent retreat!) but basically this:
I need the thing that is reconfiguring to reconfigure in a simple and ease-filled way.
Ways this could work:
Staying connected to the qualities and essence of the wanting, instead of trying to make it work in a particular way or take a certain shape.
Being receptive to new forms emerging in some sort of organic, sustainable, possibly unexpected way.
Remembering that buoyancy and grounding are not mutually exclusive.
Remembering the shivanautical epiphany about illumination through elimination: release the parts that are done.
I’ll play with…
Writing about it.
Thing 2: Clews for the Room of Mystery.
Here’s what I want:
At the Hidden Playground, we have a new room.
Well, it used to be the Toy Shop but we moved the Toy Shop to Stompopolis, so now there’s this room. And we’ve been calling it the Room of Mystery.
It’s kind of like the Room of Requirement, in that it gives you what you need.
So far people have taken some awesome naps in there, and various magical things have happened, but I would like to fill the room with clews.
That way, when people are clew-searching (or even when they aren’t), they can find signs and reminders all over the room.
Ways this could work:
Maybe people who read the blog can send us clews!
Clews can be tiny little things. Like a key or a ring or a message or a little hmmm-what-are-you sort of thing. A what-not! Yes.
If you have clews, please send them with a little “this is a clew!” note care of:
The Fluent Self, Inc
1526 NE Alberta #218
Portland, OR 97211
United States
Ohmygod. That would be amazing.
I’ll play with…
Looking for clews everywhere. And then collecting them.
Thing 3: Courage, again.
Here’s what I want:
I need to say a thing and I don’t know how to say it.
Words, please. And then the strength to do it.
Ways this could work:
It just could. May it be so.
I’ll play with…
Remembering that three weeks ago I had to do a thing way scarier than this, and I did it beautifully, thanks in part to these VPAs.
So it can happen. I can find the right way. It will be harmonious and it will be good.
Plus, ending something that is disharmonious is always healing, even when it’s hard. But maybe it doesn’t have to be hard. I’m going to learn more about that.
Thing 4: Progress on a seemingly impossible thing.
Here’s what I want:
I want this want so badly, and it seems so far-away and impossible.
I want to believe that it could happen. And I want to see clews and signs and reminders about progress and possibility.
May all the perfect simple solutions show up, and may I remember that sometimes things that seem impossible are actually completely possible, in ways I haven’t thought of yet.
Ways this could work:
Well, Shiva Nata, of course.
That’s the fastest way to undo whatever internal rules I have about How Things Are, so that I can start noticing all the things I didn’t know yet about how things could be.
And I can do an OOD to find out more about the different aspects of the wishing.
I’ll play with…
Legitimacy and permission to feel sad and frustrated about not knowing how this could work.
Planting the wish, and planting the permission to feel okay about wanting it.
Thing 5: Mini-chrysalis before Rally.
Here’s what I want:
Astoundingly, it’s about to be Rally (Rally!) again.
And I need a couple days off to clear my head and prepare for entry.
Ways this could work:
I’m receptive to something magically showing up.
I’ll play with…
Willingness. Talking to Incoming Me about it, and interviewing her.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Okay, this is amazing. The first thing I asked for was clear lines of communication, and specifically this:
“Actually, I just noticed that I’ve never liked the phrase “to clear the air”, because it makes me think of giant scary storms. But what I want is the rainstorm. Not a rough drenching. Just a sweet release, and then for the air to smell all earthy and beautiful again.”
And, astonishingly, that is EXACTLY what happened. I am in awe.
Then I wanted giant progress on Stompopolis, and it happened.
I needed readjusting in response to a difficult piece of news, and that worked too.
Next there was an ask about finding the right words, and I still haven’t, but am getting closer.
The ask about lusciousness is still in flux, but I’m learning a lot about how that works.
And I wanted a mini-chrysalis, and I still want that. Taking steps and wishing!
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #201: late for a very important
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Man, time. I don’t know where it’s going.
Somehow this week just kind of happened.
Let’s see.
The hard stuff
You know what? Let’s start with today.
I generally try to avoid having meetings and such on Fridays because the Book of Me is very clear on how this invariably ends up screwing my weekend.
But today was all meetings all day. And about eight different buses. It was hellish.
All I want is for Friday to be a long relaxing graceful side into exit.
And a bath.
Ow ow.
Super ridiculously sore because of going back to dance class after two months hiatus, due to [personal].
[personal].
The thing I’ve been going through is still a thing. Better than before, but still taking up most of my time and energy.
Related, I can’t concentrate at all.
Seriously my attention span is limited to maybe getting an hour of work done a day until I can’t do any more.
Which is kind of a problem because we are CRAZY FREAKING BUSY with the new space.
Sunday afternoon.
Crying for hours on end because of old narrative and basically being deep in my stuff and the stories, in the helpless and the grief, thinking it would be forever.
Knowing, of course, the truth: that none of it is about me.
But still sad.
Haircut.
Grumble, change, grumble, adjust, grumble.
Wally is gone for a MONTH, what will I dooooooooooo?!
Physical therapy addict, it is me.
Not hearing a thing I wanted to hear.
In three different ways. And then being so in my pain about the not hearing.
Impatience.
Specifically wanting changes at Hoppy House and the new Playground to happen faster than they’re happening.
Unforseen problems and challenges.
The leak in the Treasure Cave (that’s the treatment room we’re opening at Stompopolis) meant the carpet had to dry out and then the carpet cleaners had to come, and now the ceiling tiles need to be replaced….
Agonizing waiting plus frustration plus expense plus worry.
I want to tell people about a thing but I can’t.
See also: [personal].
The good stuff
Roller derby league championships!
Every minute of it.
Hanging out with friends, beating the Heathers, the incredibly exciting last jam overtime bout of craziness, just being in a state of joy.
Change.
Things that were disharmonious coming into new and much more pleasant configurations.
Sunday night.
Everything that was not good became good again. Not really in any way related to the things that had seemed painful, more just the perfect distraction. And a reminder that actually no, things are beautiful.
Sunday night was luminous.
Oh sweetness.
And then the perspective that comes from sweetness.
Lighting! Finally installed.
I know, it’s been months that we’ve been waiting on this.
Everything looks better now.
Small miracles. And yoga.
There was magic in the air.
Back to dancing!
Everything is better when I’m dancing.
Reconnecting.
Something that was broken came back together.
A wish granted.
One of my Very Personal Ads from Monday was for some clearing of the air in a way that is sweet and harmonious, and it happened!
I absolutely didn’t think that was possible but then it was!
My brain!
All the amazing Shiva Nata I did this week was doing the craziest things. Epiphanies and realizations all over the place. Catching things in mid-air. Undoing old patterns. Replacing stuck pieces with flow.
I am in awe of the whole damn thing.
Body.
This is where I live.
And some times this is hard and painful. But this week it felt like home.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
From The Park
They’re shaggy-haired goofballs who play banjo. And sometimes kazoo.
Though, of course, it turns out that it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
The thing that saved my ass a thousand times this week when things were scary and painful was the monster manual & coloring book. So I’m recommending that.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Very Personal Ads #151: Professional Hooky Player.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
I had a very intense weekend, so I’m only just now sliding into Monday.
Professional Hooky Player. That’s my new gig.
I might have to put it on my business card instead of pirate queen. Anyway….
Very! Personal! Ads!
Here we go.
Thing 1: Clear lines of communication
Here’s what I want:
A number of situations I’m currently in seem to have some pretty messy communication things happening.
I want a clearing of the lines.
Actually, I just noticed that I’ve never liked the phrase “to clear the air”, because it makes me think of giant scary storms.
But what I want is the rainstorm. Not a rough drenching. Just a sweet release, and then for the air to smell all earthy and beautiful again.
Ah, well.
Even if that doesn’t happen, I just want some of the layers of Stuff (mine and theirs) to dissipate.
Ways this could work:
I had my ohmygod-lightbulbs-everywhere epiphany this morning about what was really happening here, thanks to Shiva Nata.
So now I’ll be doing my part to clear out my patterns. With more Shiva Nata. And processing and removing things that are not from now.
And I will keep planting this wish for clear, clean back-and-forth.
I’ll play with…
Wishing good things for everyone involved.
With the qualities of presence, trust and commitment. That last one surprised me, I didn’t see it coming. Hi, commitment. I want to know more about you.
Thing 2: Giant progress on Stompopolis.
Here’s what I want:
Speaking of shivanautical epiphanies, I had an outrageously huge understanding last week about what needs to happen for Stompopolis to be able to open more fully to the public (well, some of the public).
But that involved rethinking a million different things.
So now I want the various pieces to fall into place.
Ways this could work:
Tomorrow Cairene will be helping me. We need lists! We need inspiration! We need fun!
And I can put Thursday aside from rewriting the copy.
I’ll play with…
Yes, it’s a wild, crazy, ridiculous idea and outrageously risky, so I’m just going to go full out and DO IT. With panache.
And when this scares me too much, I’m going to cry and be gentle and take myself to the park.
Thing 3: Readjusting/recalibrating/reconfiguring.
Here’s what I want:
Hmmm. I received a piece of very disturbing news today and am feeling upset about it.
I would like:
- Spaciousness for processing the things that I’m feeling.
- A clear and sovereign response.
I would also like a perfect simple resolution, and I would like this to happen without me having to get directly involved. May it be so.
Ways this could work:
I’m going to have to look at the pain (from a safe distance), because I suspect this is a case of Now reminding me of Then, except that Now Is Not Then.
I’ll play with…
More Shiva Nata, of course.
It solved everything for me last week.
Thing 4: The right words, please.
Here’s what I want:
Due to an unexpected [personal thing], I’ve had to navigate a fairly big change-of-plans that influences people aside from myself.
I want to be able to explain this in a way that is simple, clear, sweet, direct and easy.
Ways this could work:
Connecting with the want behind the want.
Using the four questions.
I’ll play with…
Getting quiet and listening.
Thing 5: [Silent Retreat!]
Here’s what I want:
I’m going to silent retreat on the details, but it involves lusciousness. Again! And possibly wine.
Ways this could work:
Willing to be surprised.
I’ll play with…
Showing up.
Specifically, showing up with willingness, receptivity, curiosity and playfulness.
Thing 6: Mini-chrysalis.
Here’s what I want:
I need to run away (run awaaaaaaaaay) before Rally to prepare myself.
But I have ZERO idea of how this could happen given how busy we are right now with the new space. The monsters are having seven thousand fits about how we just went away and can’t possibly retreat into a shell again.
It needs to happen. I just don’t know how.
Ways this could work:
A miracle.
Possibly several miracles.
I’ll play with…
Wanting the want, and letting that be enough for now.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
We asked the question: “But is it luscious?!”
And that turned out to be exactly the right thing to ask.
Let’s see. I wanted to readjust my concept of HOME. And a really interesting thing related to that happened right away.
Then I wanted new curtains for the kitchen and nothing happened with that, so I’ll re-ask.
I went looking for tablecloths and didn’t find what I wanted but found something else instead.
There was an ask about the hamsa, and I’m putting that one back in the pot to look at it some more.
Basically what I’m noticing is that my highly emotional week did not leave a lot of room for playing with the wanting any further, but that the processing I was able to do changed how I feel in relation to these asks, so that’s interesting.
Maybe most interesting is that last week these seemed impossible, and this week they seem completely natural.
And I wanted to write out the dream/vision for Hoppy House, and I haven’t done that yet but I did get the number of the person who is going to help me do it. So yay for that.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #200: that’s a lot of fake bands
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
You guys! Two! Hundred! Chickens!
Remember when there were One Hundred Chickens? And the actual hundredth chicken? That seemed like a really big deal. That was also a crazy long time ago.
I still can’t believe that we haven’t missed a week.
Thank you, everyone who has every been part of it. Whether you do it here or on your own, all chickens are loved and appreciated. 🙂
The hard stuff
Changes.
Even when you have desperately wanted them.
Like when you ask for them at Rally, and you figure out how they can be easy and then they just miraculously happen!
Change is a really big deal. And even the most wished-for things can still be scary/hard/uncomfortable when they show up, as it turns out.
Adjusting and more adjusting.
Yup.
Oh, all the not hearing back.
That point of waiting-not-waiting.
A number of things both business and personal are kind of in limbo right now (or so it feels, at any rate), and this was a reminder/reflection/confirmation of that.
I would like to hear! Back!
Except that’s not what’s happening right now, and there isn’t anything I can do about that part. Just being with the part that’s mine.
The superpower of loving, gracious, beautiful detachment was available this week in a few key moments of grace, but the rest of the time it was hard to remember what that felt like.
A maybe-broken friendship?
I am hoping-hoping-hoping not but also I am in my stuff about this right now.
STILL?!?!?!
The new lighting for Stompopolis that we ordered back in March is still not installed.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Perception of things not feeling safe.
Like at the Playground when one of the pirate crew doormice reported that a bunch of people who shouldn’t have the code to the building have the code to the building.
So we had to change all the codes.
Or hearing that something was stolen from one of our neighbors in the building.
Grumble!
More PTSD fun.
Crowds and public transportation were out this week as I tried to create safe rooms for all the past versions of me who think that things are exploding.
Damage.
During the rainstorms of insanity this week, there was damage to Stompopolis!
The Treasure Cave (that’s the new treatment room) flooded, and three ceiling pieces are ruined, and everything got wet!
Then someone was fixing something in the Playground and broke it.
Then everything went kablooey, so grrrrrrrrrr!
The good stuff
Ohmygod this was the best week!
All these planted-wants and old wishes just showed up this week, along with beautiful moments of glowing TRUTH.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Sleeping!
Sleeping so well.
And naps. Yum.
And space to nap in. Speaking of which….
Space things working out the way I want.
Which just feels kind of miraculous.
Stompopolis is okay, despite the damage.
Hooray!
Getting caught in the rain.
On Saturday there was an hour that turned out to be the most rain-filled (rain-heavy? heaviest rain?) in all documented history of Portland.
And my friend Chuck (Her Chuckness) and I were in the middle of a walk when the skies opened, and for some reason getting soaked to the bone was kind of hilarious, so and we giggled the entire water-logged impossible-to-see way, and each time we thought it couldn’t possibly rain any harder, it did.
Normally this would have been another sign that everything is going Horribly Wrong, but it wasn’t. It was fun.
That was reassuring.
Giant epiphanies!
None of which can be explained very well, but I ran around all week saying things like, “OF COURSE! I don’t know what to do at a health club but I am a genius at secret societies! The blanket fort’s name is George!”
And it all made sense.
Seriously I did so much Shiva Nata this week, and everything was just clear and clean and easy. All my superpowers came out to play, and it worked.
Courageous mouse me.
I did a bunch of things that scared me this week (some symbolic and some real-and-in-person and one involving a twisty-slide).
And none of the things were scary while they were happening. It was only beforehand when I was telling complicated stories about how scary they were.
This was a good thing to remember.
Process process process.
Writing and stone skippings and implementation of said epiphanies.
Support and right timing when I needed it.
Also a tiny but important miracle.
I made a seemingly-impossible wish and it came true.
*sparkles*
Last night.
I just felt smile-ey and at home in myself.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
I learned about this week’s band from a little girl in the park (in an admirably stripey jumpsuit) who was on the swing next to me.
Sideways Hamster
They’re loud and funny and sweet, or at least that’s what I imagine.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I have a bunch of things to say, but for now I will just say Rally! Rally! Rally!
Because this week was full of GIANT transformational newness and that was basically because everything I planted at Rally is falling into place.
Rally!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.