What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #193: Stop, drop and picnic
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Such a better week for me than last week.
Giggling happily instead of crying. I needed this one.
The hard stuff
So. Much. To. Do.
We are working our asses off to open Stompopolis, and it is completely all-consuming.
And guess who has to come up with systems and operating manuals, procedures and protocol for five different businesses running on five different business models? Yup, that would be me. And I know, it’s my company so of course it’s me, but it is way too much for me, and I am insanely jealous of my friend who is opening a shop, because OHMYGOD A SHOP is so freaking easy compared to what we’re trying to do here.
Painful dreams.
Yes.
Plans changing.
Worse, crazy-inconsiderate decisions that force the plan-changing.
Pressure.
It’s the worst.
Also: I would like everyone in my life to please stop calling me to find out if I’m okay. I know it’s meant to be helpful but it’s not helpful. It just gives me more things on my mind when what I need most is FEWER things. If I wanted to talk, I would be talking.
There are fewer hours in the day than I think they are.
It is astonishing how I can be so very good at overestimating my capacity, as well as the capacity of everything else.
Big argument.
It didn’t last long but it hurt.
Resentment about being inside when the sun is out.
I don’t think I’ve been this pissed off about having to do indoor things in spring since high school.
Of course I really and truly tried to run outdoors every time the sun peeked out, but it was not enough.
Grrrrrrrrr!
Putting “work emergencies” ahead of me.
I know from experience that this is always the wrong decision, and that taking care of myself first is imperative. It is such an Absolutely Absolutely that it trumps all the other absolutely absolutelies.
And yet I broke this rule four different times this week, and paid for it each time. This can’t happen.
Being wrong.
Specifically: thinking that now is going to be like then when actually now is quite and completely different from then.
Which is good, because all that stuff from then was awful.
But getting sucked back into that basic misunderstanding.
Why is there pizza everywhere? I want some so badly it’s driving me crazy.
Stupid Passover. Craving everything. Wanting to snatch pretzel sticks out of the hands of innocent toddlers.
WHEN WILL IT END?!?!
Oh, right. This weekend. Fine.
The good stuff
Sun in the park.
Picnics in the park.
Magics in the park.
Everything is good when there is sun.
And then I made a Highly Improbable wish and it came true almost instantaneously.
JOY!
The stone of DO IT.
I have a stone! It says Do It!
Actually without the exclamation point, but I can feel the exclamation point.
Sometimes Rummy the squirrel carries the stone and sometimes I put the stone in front of me when I’m doing yoga, for extra reminders.
Dooo it!
Giant epiphany of epiphanies.
Yay, Shiva Nata.
And yay yoga.
Amazing wonderful everything-yoga and Shiva Nata this week at the Playground.
Full of laughter and delight, ending with full body tingling buzzing vibrating pure state of happy, in the full KNOWING of the new epiphanies that are completely blowing my mind.
WOW.
Potato kugel.
Mmmm kugel.
Getting what I need, in a variety of forms.
Lots of help from Chuck and Danielle.
Going to special magical Portland-ey places and finding exactly the pieces that the new Playground needs.
We found the right desk, we found the right materials for the new Costumery, everything is happening!
The Floop!
I love the Floating Playground so much, I can’t even tell you how delighted I am.
People are seriously living by the stuff we practice here, and it is rippling out into the world and it is incredible.
Body.
Feels really, really good.
Hopeful and excited!!!
Yes. More of that, please.
Soaking in the hidden pool.
Everything is good.
Flowers.
And buying them for me. Without needing a reason.
Just happy
I’ve been working through a lot of hard and it is moving out of my space, and that feels really important.
Plus, Chuck and I were practicing Stop, Drop & Picnic all week, which makes everything better too. It really, really, really does. Try it!
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band isn’t playing until after Saturday, sadly.
But the show is going to be awesome.
Reunited With The Glory Of Bread Products
They make os much noise, you’d never guess that it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Do you have the monster manual? Not only does it come with the best coloring book in the world (and coloring my monsters was one of the things that made this week so much better than last week), but it is absolutely the most important information about how to interact with internal fear-mongers (and external ones too, since they often say the same things).
If you’ve been thinking about getting it, now would be a good time. Especially because we’re going to be reconfiguring the shop and some prices will go up. Anyway, monster manual & coloring book!
ALSO, do a lovely thing for our @evejacques (and for …the world!) by liking this facebook page about Mark Hamill playing the Joker in the animated Killing Joke.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Everything is a Costume
The other day I had one of those impossible-to-describe shivanautical epiphanies that is so beautiful and simple that it almost can’t be said out loud.
But I am saying it anyway.
It went something like this, but it wasn’t just words. It was deep inside my skeleton.
Everything is a costume. Everything can be a costume. You can turn anything into a costume.
Everything is a costume.
All the special things you wear that help with identify-shifting and process. But ALSO things you can’t see!
A concept can be a costume.
Or a question. Or an idea. Or a desire. A dream. A gwish!
You can wear these, and they will show you what it’s like to live according to whatever it is.
But also other things are costumes because everything is a costume.
I can’t explain it better than that so I’m just going to tell you about the invisible costumes that I am trying on today.
Today.
Today I am experimenting with the costume of Someone Who Has No Problem Whatsoever Typing Up This Giant Pile Of Notes And Is Even Pleased About It.
Today I am wearing the costume of Someone Who Actually Buys Flowers For Her Workspace.
Today I am trying on the costume of Someone Whose Feet Are So Important To Her That They Kind Of Rule Her Life And She Is Completely Okay With That.
Today I am in the costume of Someone Who Keeps A Stone With A Secret Message In Front Of Her At All Times.
And, speaking of stones, I found another costume that lives inside a stone skipping card that I picked from the deck of cards that lives at the Playground:
If my pretend mentor were here to help me…
So I’m also trying on the costume of the Me Whose Pretend Mentor Is Right There And Ready To Help.
The costumes talk, as it turns out.
I am only slightly surprised that these costumes are changing every aspect of how my day is going.
But I have been VERY surprised about how much I am learning about these different costumes/identities/aspects of me.
Like the costume of Someone Who Actually Buys Flowers For Her Workplace.
She is very interesting.
She thinks her work is special and sacred. She cares for her work. She thinks that anything that keeps her in a state of inspiration and appreciation is hugely important. She values beauty in a variety of different forms.
She’s significantly more comfortable than I am with doing things in grand fashion. She’s almost a symbol of the next step in that direction.
I was also surprised to learn that the flowers she wanted were not at all as expensive as I’d thought they were, that she has VERY specific tastes, and that she has a warm, smiley and peaceful way about her. Who knew?
This is the experiment. Join in if you like. Comment zen etc.
Invent, discover or proclaim any costumes you like.
You could wear something that goes with them or you can just try them on as they are. Or you don’t have to try them on at all. You could just name them. That’s a kind of costume too.
If you would like, share some possible costumes here. Or not. You can also go on silent retreat or leave some flowers. Or take some flowers. We have lots of flowers.
As always, we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. Each of us takes responsibility for our own stuff. We let other people have their stuff. We make space for each other. It’s how we practice.
I have lilies. Spectacular lilies. Raised a half an hour away from here. They are a rich, rust-red, and they almost glow.
Very Personal Ads #143: wishes x10
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: Ten Times Wishing.
Here’s what I want:
I have been doing this thing of jotting down ten wants.
Right before I go to bed.
It’s very casual. If I hit a wish that has STUFF in it, I use a proxy or just skip it. I mean, it all circles back around eventually.
Anyway, what I want is for this ritual to solidify. Or maybe doing it both morning and evening?
Or maybe bringing some of these wishes to my rendezvous with various partners in crime or helper mice?
I don’t know. I’d like this new practice to land.
Ways this could work:
Pretty notebook.
More pens. Why are there never pens when I want pens? Maybe Rummy the squirrel could hold a pen?
I can also mess around with this on the Floop!
I’ll play with…
Reminding myself that wanting is always fraught and meaningful. Desire is a big deal. So it’s okay that I’m working through my stuff around this. This can take as long as it needs to.
Thing 2: Cutlery.
Here’s what I want:
Weirdly enough, this is not a proxy. It’s actually what I want.
But I have some Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about this, so I’ll need to do some processing.
Ways this could work:
Maybe an internal interview, using a negotiator.
Also it might be fun to just look around and see what I like.
I’ll play with…
Now is not then.
Thing 3: Sun sun sun sun sun sun sun.
Here’s what I want:
Ath wants to spend all the time in the sun. I am liking this, because sun.
But I also have lots of indoor work to do. Ath is not happy about this. She says: SUN.
So we need some sort of strategy that makes us both happy.
Ways this could work:
I don’t know yet!
Waking up early to do some typing so we can frolic in the park?
Finding an outdoor cafe?
Bringing a partner in crime helper mouse with me to do some Thinking Out Loud while walking?
I’ll play with…
Visiting the garden. Taking notes.
Thing 4: Interacting with the two biggest things I’ve been avoiding.
Here’s what I want:
I have been putting off two things, and there is no more putting-off, because the time is here.
There’s treasure in here somewhere, and I am going to find out what it is.
Ways this could work:
Asking what is useful about having waited this long.
Asking what is useful about getting to do it now.
Asking what I need.
Asking the Four Questions (not those four!).
I’ll play with…
I don’t have to do the things. I just want to find out what I know about my relationship with the things.
And I can skip some stones.
Thing 5: Asking the Four Questions (not those four!)
Here’s what I want:
There’s a marvelously useful book called Crucial Conversations.
And they have four helpful questions that I ask all the time. When I remember to ask these, everything goes better.
So I’d like to use them on everything.
Ways this could work:
A four questions notebook?
Putting the questions on my phone?
Adding this to my morning routine?
I’ll play with…
Connecting to the essence inside of this want:
Clarity. Curiosity. Exploration. Steadiness.
Thing 6: Vancouver.
Here’s what I want:
I’ll be in Vancouver next month. I want it to be marvelous and not-exhausting.
Marvelous because not-exhausting. And, when necessary, if there’s an option that’s marvelous and a different option that’s not-exhausting, the latter trumps the former.
Oh, and I don’t want to fly, so I need to figure out if there’s a way I can get there by boat from Seattle? I can train to Seattle, but more train than that is too much train for me.
Also I can’t possibly meet up with all the amazing people I know there because I don’t have the capacity for that, and I will get overloaded (see: not-exhausting trumping everything).
So either I decide to tell people when I’ll be at my favorite cafe so they can drop by, or I need to go incognito.
Additionally: I want everything at the new Playground and in the rest of the business to be running smoothly so I don’t have to deal with emergency phone calls.
And, while I’m wishing impossible wishes, I want tea and laughter with Jane. And whiskey and banter with Jon.
Ways this could work:
It hurts my head even trying to think about it.
So I’ll just leave it here.
Though if any of you know about ways to head north by boat or other creative means, please let me know.
I’ll play with…
Wanting.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Okay! This is unlikely and awesome. I wanted Fountaining Solutions for a certain pile of stuck, and this seemed like an impossible thing to ask. But I actually got it.
Seriously, fountaining. Amazing.
I had an ask about my roller derby Shiva Nata workshop, and got what I wanted (a super fun workshop with lots of work on mental game), and I am re-asking the bigger ask.
Then I wanted more use of Deep Intentional Entry, and I’ve been doing quite a bit of that. More please.
And I wanted to move the Toy Shop, and Chuck is going to help me with that tomorrow.
Then I asked for a music stand and we found one! Yay!
And I had a silent retreat ask, and it didn’t get solved but something really interesting happened.
Also I wrote down about fifteen small wants at the bottom of my VPA-ing notebook last week. Here’s something interesting. I didn’t post them here and I didn’t process them, but pretty much all of them came to pass. So I’m going to do that again.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #192: with or without stars
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Oh, Friday.
It seems like there’s not a whole lot to say other than “I spent 99.9% of this week crying my eyes out.”
But this form exists for a reason, so let’s see what it holds.
The hard stuff
The crying. The crying. The crying.
I could not stop crying this week.
It’s a miracle I didn’t completely dehydrate.
Basically anything that started ended in tears.
I cried during work, I cried during massage, I cried while walking home, I cried on the bus. And then more crying.
That was the week, basically.
And I can’t even blame hormonal craziness this time.
Overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, anxious.
And then more of that.
Here are some things I cried over.
Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing how to do it.
Not knowing who to ask.
Remembering then.
Still being in pain from then.
Still overwhelmed by how much pain from then.
Also I cried about Dancing with the Stars.
Yes, Dancing with the Stars. Which I have only seen once, and I turned the sound turned off because the concept of people submitting themselves to judgment is too painful to bear.
I cried about how I really just want to be dancing. All the time. Why am I not dancing? What am I doing when I’m not dancing?
And about dead dreams. And watching such beautiful, present, radiant people deflating under someone else’s view of who they are, when who they are is so AMAZING.
I cried about how much I loathe Facebook.
And about people being awful.
But mainly I cried because the thing I am doing right now in my business/es is so completely beyond what is familiar to me.
Getting locked out.
For four incredibly long hours.
Except that I didn’t know it was that long because locked in, in addition to my keys, were my phone and wallet and jacket and everything else.
In the end I had to walk thirty minutes in the cold and rain, in three inch heels, to get somewhere for help.
Crying all the way, of course, because why would I stop crying this week.
PTSD.
I don’t have anything to say about that, other than that it’s horrible and I don’t wish it on anyone.
Not having help and support.
Or perceiving that I don’t have help and support.
The good stuff
I finally figured out what I was crying about.
Or really: who I was crying for.
It’s a sad, scared self from then: me from several years ago. And she didn’t get to cry at the time.
It turns out there is a lot of grief in there. And once I realized what the tears were for, the whole Week of Crying seemed a lot less drastic/awful.
Help arrived.
I got help from Chuck and help from Cairene and help from Wally. And Carolyn.
Yoga.
Yoga was everything this week.
Which might be the thing that was reminding me so much of then, when yoga was the absolutely ONLY thing I had.
But it helped. Breathing and moving and stillness.
I have tools!
I have so many tools.
And this week I used everything. Everything I’ve written about here. The stuff I teach at Crossing the Line. The emergency calming techniques (which were a godsend). Shiva Nata. All of it.
Especially: everything I’ve learned, experienced and internalized at Rally (Rally!), which is where techniques come home and land deep.
Thank goodness for tools.
Costumes.
Lots of costumes.
Perfect simple solutions.
They exist.
Pesach. Tonight. Freedom.
Even though this holiday can be a serious pain, and I have not been enjoying the extra workload this week, I’m glad it’s here.
Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
- Via @spiralshannon, this wonderful piece about why costumes help
- Dear Imaginary Band Names
- I want this skirt
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Nobody’s Muffin
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Point 1. Rally (Rally!) is the most amazing thing in the world.
Point 2. They’re about to end though because running the giant Playground complex that is Stompopolis requires my full-time attention.
There are four more Rallies this year. There will be two next year (but one is for Floop members, so really only one public one). And that’s it.
So come to Rally. It will change everything in your life and turn things all magic-ey.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom. And chag sameach..
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Hello, April. 2012.
Dear April,
(The month, that is. For some reason, it seems weirder to write a letter to a month when it sounds like a letter to a person. I don’t know what we’re going to do in June.)
Anyway…
Hi, new month. I have been avoiding writing to you. I have been avoiding saying hello to you, or any other form of conscious entry.
And so far we have spent five days together, and I have been crying for most of them. It kind of sucks.
So we’re going to do this.
We’re going to have an encounter. I’m going to stop avoiding our relationship, with a few awkward, tentative steps towards a more harmonious something-or-other.
I’m going to need a different approach. And apparently I also need a fairy godmother. Huh? What? Oh, okay. Fine. Let’s do it.
The set-up. Starting with the Cast of Characters.
Havi.
Adorably messy hair. Roses on her socks. Way too busy. Cries a lot lately. Possibly a witch?
The Fairy Godmother.
At first glance, she is sort of an oddball mirror reflection of Havi. Equally messy hair. Socks on her roses. Yes.
But something is off. She’s an unlikely candidate for the part.
Underneath the eccentric-aunt costumes, she glows. She is steadily glowing a glow. And not just any glow but indescribably intense.
She’s very smart. And very regal. One begins to suspect it is the goddess Athena in disguise.
Typical. Typical.
April.
Full of flowers. Not interested. No socks. Roses on her roses.
I have zero idea where this is going. But let’s find out…
Oh, it turns out there’s a plot.
Not an evil plot to destroy the whatever. Just that our story has a plot. And here it is:
Both Havi and the Fairy Godmother share a rare form of amnesia.
See also: Memento, Revisited.
Havi can’t remember what she needs, and the Fairy Godmother can’t remember how to give it to her. Or how to show her that it’s already there, which is more often the case.
There’s also a writer (surprise!), and the writer writes notes.
Let’s look at the notes.
This is the note the Fairy Godmother gets each morning.
Tucked under her pillow, no doubt.
Dear fairy godmother,
It is a glorrrrrrrious day, as you are sure to have noticed. Well-sparkled!
As you will have forgotten due to your nightly forgetting, here is your reminder regarding your charge, Havi.
It is your sacred duty to help Havi remain connected to herself and connected to right now.
Additionally, it is absolutely critical that she always have a) keys, b) a quiet and safe place to go, c) something to eat.
Not having access to these things can trigger an episode of thinking that Now Is Just Like Then.
Should an episode of this sort begin, it is up to you to show her how everything is different.
When your work is complete, Havi will be you and you will be done. Actually, you will be me.
Love,
April.
And this is the note Havi gets each morning.
Dear Havi,
You do not know this yet but today has the possibility of being a glorrrrrrrious day, no matter what happens in it.
Athena says: SUN.
Athena says: Start there.
Athena says: Sun salutations.
Athena says: Hum first. Then stretch. Then jump. Then quiet. And only then do you create. Except you don’t even do that. You just reveal the things that have been created for you.
Take care of your fairy godmother by looking at all the clews she sets for you.
Keys are important so pay attention to them.
Go to the quietest place, and the answers will be there.
Everything is a passage, so just notice that.
Love,
April.
Now you can leave a note for April.
Dear April 2012,
You are the month of new.
I am doing my best to be here now. Not in past-Aprils and not in resistance-of-new.
I am committing to flowers, to sun salutations, to walking, to water, to rest.
I want your help. I’m sorry I forgot to ask.
But mainly this. I want us to belong to each other, to feel welcome together.
I want you to feel loved. I want time and space and trust and delight.
I want to remember that I was kind to myself when things were hard.
And I don’t have to know why I’m crying for me-from-then to cry for me-from-then. Maybe it’s another form of watering the garden, I don’t know.
Sometimes I think I don’t know how to love you, but then I remember that saying hello to the not knowing how is another way to say hello to you. Which is another form of love in the form of a gentle touch.
I’m trying.
Love,
Havi
Join me if you like. The commenting blanket fort.
So this was pretty different than it’s been in other months.
See also: July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February / March.
You are welcome to write your own hello letter to April or drop off some gwishes, or whatever you like.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.
And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
Wishing you a safe, comforting, sweet April full of unexpected good things.