The Fluent Self

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Very Personal Ads #143: wishes x10

by Havi Brooks | Apr 9, 2012 | my personal practice

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: Ten Times Wishing.

Here’s what I want:

I have been doing this thing of jotting down ten wants.

Right before I go to bed.

It’s very casual. If I hit a wish that has STUFF in it, I use a proxy or just skip it. I mean, it all circles back around eventually.

Anyway, what I want is for this ritual to solidify. Or maybe doing it both morning and evening?

Or maybe bringing some of these wishes to my rendezvous with various partners in crime or helper mice?

I don’t know. I’d like this new practice to land.

Ways this could work:

Pretty notebook.

More pens. Why are there never pens when I want pens? Maybe Rummy the squirrel could hold a pen?

I can also mess around with this on the Floop!

I’ll play with…

Reminding myself that wanting is always fraught and meaningful. Desire is a big deal. So it’s okay that I’m working through my stuff around this. This can take as long as it needs to.

Thing 2: Cutlery.

Here’s what I want:

Weirdly enough, this is not a proxy. It’s actually what I want.

But I have some Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about this, so I’ll need to do some processing.

Ways this could work:

Maybe an internal interview, using a negotiator.

Also it might be fun to just look around and see what I like.

I’ll play with…

Now is not then.

Thing 3: Sun sun sun sun sun sun sun.

Here’s what I want:

Ath wants to spend all the time in the sun. I am liking this, because sun.

But I also have lots of indoor work to do. Ath is not happy about this. She says: SUN.

So we need some sort of strategy that makes us both happy.

Ways this could work:

I don’t know yet!

Waking up early to do some typing so we can frolic in the park?

Finding an outdoor cafe?

Bringing a partner in crime helper mouse with me to do some Thinking Out Loud while walking?

I’ll play with…

Visiting the garden. Taking notes.

Thing 4: Interacting with the two biggest things I’ve been avoiding.

Here’s what I want:

I have been putting off two things, and there is no more putting-off, because the time is here.

There’s treasure in here somewhere, and I am going to find out what it is.

Ways this could work:

Asking what is useful about having waited this long.

Asking what is useful about getting to do it now.

Asking what I need.

Asking the Four Questions (not those four!).

I’ll play with…

I don’t have to do the things. I just want to find out what I know about my relationship with the things.

And I can skip some stones.

Thing 5: Asking the Four Questions (not those four!)

Here’s what I want:

There’s a marvelously useful book called Crucial Conversations.

And they have four helpful questions that I ask all the time. When I remember to ask these, everything goes better.

So I’d like to use them on everything.

Ways this could work:

A four questions notebook?

Putting the questions on my phone?

Adding this to my morning routine?

I’ll play with…

Connecting to the essence inside of this want:

Clarity. Curiosity. Exploration. Steadiness.

Thing 6: Vancouver.

Here’s what I want:

I’ll be in Vancouver next month. I want it to be marvelous and not-exhausting.

Marvelous because not-exhausting. And, when necessary, if there’s an option that’s marvelous and a different option that’s not-exhausting, the latter trumps the former.

Oh, and I don’t want to fly, so I need to figure out if there’s a way I can get there by boat from Seattle? I can train to Seattle, but more train than that is too much train for me.

Also I can’t possibly meet up with all the amazing people I know there because I don’t have the capacity for that, and I will get overloaded (see: not-exhausting trumping everything).

So either I decide to tell people when I’ll be at my favorite cafe so they can drop by, or I need to go incognito.

Additionally: I want everything at the new Playground and in the rest of the business to be running smoothly so I don’t have to deal with emergency phone calls.

And, while I’m wishing impossible wishes, I want tea and laughter with Jane. And whiskey and banter with Jon.

Ways this could work:

It hurts my head even trying to think about it.

So I’ll just leave it here.

Though if any of you know about ways to head north by boat or other creative means, please let me know.

I’ll play with…

Wanting.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Okay! This is unlikely and awesome. I wanted Fountaining Solutions for a certain pile of stuck, and this seemed like an impossible thing to ask. But I actually got it.

Seriously, fountaining. Amazing.

I had an ask about my roller derby Shiva Nata workshop, and got what I wanted (a super fun workshop with lots of work on mental game), and I am re-asking the bigger ask.

Then I wanted more use of Deep Intentional Entry, and I’ve been doing quite a bit of that. More please.

And I wanted to move the Toy Shop, and Chuck is going to help me with that tomorrow.

Then I asked for a music stand and we found one! Yay!

And I had a silent retreat ask, and it didn’t get solved but something really interesting happened.

Also I wrote down about fifteen small wants at the bottom of my VPA-ing notebook last week. Here’s something interesting. I didn’t post them here and I didn’t process them, but pretty much all of them came to pass. So I’m going to do that again.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

Friday Chicken #192: with or without stars

by Havi Brooks | Apr 6, 2012 | updates & announcements

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Oh, Friday.

It seems like there’s not a whole lot to say other than “I spent 99.9% of this week crying my eyes out.”

But this form exists for a reason, so let’s see what it holds.

The hard stuff

The crying. The crying. The crying.

I could not stop crying this week.

It’s a miracle I didn’t completely dehydrate.

Basically anything that started ended in tears.

I cried during work, I cried during massage, I cried while walking home, I cried on the bus. And then more crying.

That was the week, basically.

And I can’t even blame hormonal craziness this time.

Overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, anxious.

And then more of that.

Here are some things I cried over.

Not knowing what to do.

Not knowing how to do it.

Not knowing who to ask.

Remembering then.

Still being in pain from then.

Still overwhelmed by how much pain from then.

Also I cried about Dancing with the Stars.

Yes, Dancing with the Stars. Which I have only seen once, and I turned the sound turned off because the concept of people submitting themselves to judgment is too painful to bear.

I cried about how I really just want to be dancing. All the time. Why am I not dancing? What am I doing when I’m not dancing?

And about dead dreams. And watching such beautiful, present, radiant people deflating under someone else’s view of who they are, when who they are is so AMAZING.

I cried about how much I loathe Facebook.

And about people being awful.

But mainly I cried because the thing I am doing right now in my business/es is so completely beyond what is familiar to me.

Getting locked out.

For four incredibly long hours.

Except that I didn’t know it was that long because locked in, in addition to my keys, were my phone and wallet and jacket and everything else.

In the end I had to walk thirty minutes in the cold and rain, in three inch heels, to get somewhere for help.

Crying all the way, of course, because why would I stop crying this week.

PTSD.

I don’t have anything to say about that, other than that it’s horrible and I don’t wish it on anyone.

Not having help and support.

Or perceiving that I don’t have help and support.

The good stuff

I finally figured out what I was crying about.

Or really: who I was crying for.

It’s a sad, scared self from then: me from several years ago. And she didn’t get to cry at the time.

It turns out there is a lot of grief in there. And once I realized what the tears were for, the whole Week of Crying seemed a lot less drastic/awful.

Help arrived.

I got help from Chuck and help from Cairene and help from Wally. And Carolyn.

Yoga.

Yoga was everything this week.

Which might be the thing that was reminding me so much of then, when yoga was the absolutely ONLY thing I had.

But it helped. Breathing and moving and stillness.

I have tools!

I have so many tools.

And this week I used everything. Everything I’ve written about here. The stuff I teach at Crossing the Line. The emergency calming techniques (which were a godsend). Shiva Nata. All of it.

Especially: everything I’ve learned, experienced and internalized at Rally (Rally!), which is where techniques come home and land deep.

Thank goodness for tools.

Costumes.

Lots of costumes.

Perfect simple solutions.

They exist.

Pesach. Tonight. Freedom.

Even though this holiday can be a serious pain, and I have not been enjoying the extra workload this week, I’m glad it’s here.

Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

Via @spiralshannon, this wonderful piece about why costumes help
Dear Imaginary Band Names
I want this skirt

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band:

Nobody’s Muffin

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Point 1. Rally (Rally!) is the most amazing thing in the world.

Point 2. They’re about to end though because running the giant Playground complex that is Stompopolis requires my full-time attention.

There are four more Rallies this year. There will be two next year (but one is for Floop members, so really only one public one). And that’s it.

So come to Rally. It will change everything in your life and turn things all magic-ey.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom. And chag sameach..

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Hello, April. 2012.

by Havi Brooks | Apr 5, 2012 | my personal practice

Dear April,

(The month, that is. For some reason, it seems weirder to write a letter to a month when it sounds like a letter to a person. I don’t know what we’re going to do in June.)

Anyway…

Hi, new month. I have been avoiding writing to you. I have been avoiding saying hello to you, or any other form of conscious entry.

And so far we have spent five days together, and I have been crying for most of them. It kind of sucks.

So we’re going to do this.

We’re going to have an encounter. I’m going to stop avoiding our relationship, with a few awkward, tentative steps towards a more harmonious something-or-other.

I’m going to need a different approach. And apparently I also need a fairy godmother. Huh? What? Oh, okay. Fine. Let’s do it.

The set-up. Starting with the Cast of Characters.

Havi.

Adorably messy hair. Roses on her socks. Way too busy. Cries a lot lately. Possibly a witch?

The Fairy Godmother.

At first glance, she is sort of an oddball mirror reflection of Havi. Equally messy hair. Socks on her roses. Yes.

But something is off. She’s an unlikely candidate for the part.

Underneath the eccentric-aunt costumes, she glows. She is steadily glowing a glow. And not just any glow but indescribably intense.

She’s very smart. And very regal. One begins to suspect it is the goddess Athena in disguise.

Typical. Typical.

April.

Full of flowers. Not interested. No socks. Roses on her roses.

I have zero idea where this is going. But let’s find out…

Oh, it turns out there’s a plot.

Not an evil plot to destroy the whatever. Just that our story has a plot. And here it is:

Both Havi and the Fairy Godmother share a rare form of amnesia.

This is the note the Fairy Godmother gets each morning.

Tucked under her pillow, no doubt.

Dear fairy godmother,

It is a glorrrrrrrious day, as you are sure to have noticed. Well-sparkled!

As you will have forgotten due to your nightly forgetting, here is your reminder regarding your charge, Havi.

It is your sacred duty to help Havi remain connected to herself and connected to right now.

Additionally, it is absolutely critical that she always have a) keys, b) a quiet and safe place to go, c) something to eat.

Not having access to these things can trigger an episode of thinking that Now Is Just Like Then.

Should an episode of this sort begin, it is up to you to show her how everything is different.

When your work is complete, Havi will be you and you will be done. Actually, you will be me.

Love,
April.

And this is the note Havi gets each morning.

Dear Havi,

You do not know this yet but today has the possibility of being a glorrrrrrrious day, no matter what happens in it.

Athena says: SUN.

Athena says: Start there.

Athena says: Sun salutations.

Athena says: Hum first. Then stretch. Then jump. Then quiet. And only then do you create. Except you don’t even do that. You just reveal the things that have been created for you.

Take care of your fairy godmother by looking at all the clews she sets for you.

Keys are important so pay attention to them.

Go to the quietest place, and the answers will be there.

Everything is a passage, so just notice that.

Love,
April.

Now you can leave a note for April.

Dear April 2012,

You are the month of new.

I am doing my best to be here now. Not in past-Aprils and not in resistance-of-new.

I am committing to flowers, to sun salutations, to walking, to water, to rest.

I want your help. I’m sorry I forgot to ask.

But mainly this. I want us to belong to each other, to feel welcome together.

I want you to feel loved. I want time and space and trust and delight.

I want to remember that I was kind to myself when things were hard.

And I don’t have to know why I’m crying for me-from-then to cry for me-from-then. Maybe it’s another form of watering the garden, I don’t know.

Sometimes I think I don’t know how to love you, but then I remember that saying hello to the not knowing how is another way to say hello to you. Which is another form of love in the form of a gentle touch.
I’m trying.

Love,
Havi

Join me if you like. The commenting blanket fort.

So this was pretty different than it’s been in other months.

See also: July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February / March.

You are welcome to write your own hello letter to April or drop off some gwishes, or whatever you like.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.

And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

Wishing you a safe, comforting, sweet April full of unexpected good things.

Very Personal Ads #142: Lovingly.

by Havi Brooks | Apr 2, 2012 | my personal practice

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: fountaining solutions.

Here’s what I want:

There’s a medium-sized knot of stuckness (or: perceived stuckness) in one corner of the big project that I’m currently working on.

I want things to start sorting themselves out — in a variety of unexpected, creative and playful ways.

The perfect simple solutions start whooshing (yes, there is a FOUNTAIN of them, and no, I do not know what that means but I feel strongly about it).

And I start seeing opportunities that I couldn’t see before.

Ways this could work:

Do some Shiva Nata for the epiphanies. And use it lovingly destroy what is not working.

Getting more clarity on what I want, and what the elements are. I’m pretty clear on what I don’t want, which is pretty much exactly what’s happening right now.

I can do more of this thing I’ve been playing with, basically a really intense version of preparing for the voyage. Going Deep Into Entry.

And possibly also finding a way to say that which doesn’t scream p0rn.

I’ll play with…

Investigating what I know.

About fountains (maybe even this fountain?).

But also about the entire situation.

Thing 2: Toozday!

Here’s what I want:

So you know that I sponsor a roller derby team. And not any team, but the most fabulous and bad-ass team ever, the Guns N Rollers! Who are currently having kind of a rough time of things.

Anyway, I run workshops for them at the Playground twice a month: agility, coordination, destuckifying.

We just moved these practices to Toozdays.

I want to work on mental game. I want breakthroughs. I want people to show up ready and excited. I want it to be AMAZING.

Ways this could work:

Same as with the first ask.

I’ll play with…

Costumes costumes costumes.

Thing 3: More use of the as-yet-unnamed Entry techniques.

Here’s what I want:

I’ve been playing around with this really intense way of setting things up, and it’s working so well that it’s kind of scaring me.

I want more of this.

Ways this could work:

Running an experiment in which I give this more time than I think I need, and tracking the results.

Finding and planting reminders.

I’ll play with…

Using these techniques on one thing each day.

Thing 4: Moving the Toy Shop.

Here’s what I want:

We’re moving the Toy Shop from the original Playground (now the Caboose!) to the new and gigantic Playground.

Ways this could work:

Maybe some people will volunteer to help!

I’ll play with…

Remembering how changing space changes other things as well.

Thing 5: We need a music stand!

Here’s what I want:

A music stand or a cookbook stand? For the new PLUM (Playground User Manual).

Ways this could work:

The just-right thing can show up.

Or maybe we’ll find it at City Liquidators.

Or maybe one of our readers has something that will work.

I’ll play with…

Asking here.

Thing 5: [Silent retreat.]

Here’s what I want:

I’m going on silent retreat for this one.

Ways this could work:

With grace and ease.

I’ll play with…

Listening to Can’t Trust A Heart by the Snake Charmers over and over again.

But also: trusting my heart.

And yoga, of course. Yoga will help.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I wanted just the right phrase to call a TIME OUT, and really I wanted to remember that I am allowed to do this. Working on it. It’s going better.

Then I wanted to play more with doing things In Grand Fashion, and that happened too, though not as much as I would have liked. So I’m re-asking.

My next ask was about making things fun, and that definitely happened. There was so much giggling this week. And I had lovely help from Chuck.

Then I asked for more cloth, and you guys sent lots of it, so THANK YOU for that.

Oh, and we got the just-right rolling stool for the massage room, which is something I asked for two weeks ago. Yay VPAs!

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

Friday Chicken #191: but better

by Havi Brooks | Mar 30, 2012 | updates & announcements

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

It has been a looooong Friday to end an even longer week. In fact, I’m pretty sure there were at least three separate weeks smooshed into one this time.

Here on the west coast at least, it’s still just barely Friday but let’s call this a weekend chicken.

So. Chicken.

The hard stuff

Everything that is not getting done.

And how long things can take.

And all the things that get postponed because they’re personal and not work, which I end up deeming non-essential but actually they’re VERY essential.

House of messy.

Poor sweet Hoppy House.

I’ve barely been there at all lately, what with putting in twelve hour days at the Playground.

It needs some love and attention.

Big, challenging, not-fun decisions.

Also: the courage to admit that I know what I want.

Worrying about people I love.

Silent retreat on that.

Worrying about a situation that I didn’t know how to resolve.

It’s taken care of now, but the worry part was not fun.

Passoverwhelm..

How how how how how is it almost pesach?!

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

The good stuff

Friends.

Knowing that I have support makes it all easier.

Yoga. Lots and lots and lots of yoga.

Just like old times. But better.

Danielle and I went to our partner yoga workshop, and had — again! — a marvelous time together.

Daily sun salutations. Slow old Turkish lady yoga. Using the practice to ground everything else.

Mostly at the Caboose, which is what we’re calling the original Playground. Sometimes Chuck joins me! I love this.

I also went to a backbending workshop even though that is probably my least favorite thing to do, because Ath (slightly future me) feels strongly about me becoming friends with my spine.

Intentionally undoing the worry-patterns .

Using Shiva Nata and all the Fluent Self stuff to slowly and steadily alter my approach.

And seeing how each moment of altering ripples outward.

Ath.

She is the smartest and the special-est. Her instincts are so solid. I love her.

Joyful destruction.

I was worried about destroying a particular thing because I thought it might be disrespectful, but Ath told me that to destroy an unsovereign connection is to give a gift.

So we DESTROYED it. And it was awesome.

Moment of Bing! Courtesy of Shiva Nata, again (surprise).

Huge and astonishing realization which entirely transformed everything this week.

Specifically, it magically turned what I thought was a dread-filled tough potential impasse of a situation into a lighthearted, joyful easy one. It turned terror into love.

I don’t know that I have ever been so filled to the brim with gratitude.

Big progresses on the new Playground…

The stage is now carpeted.

Things have homes.

The plants have been trimmed, which was one of those symbolic/energetic things that you can’t really see but somehow made a giant difference in the whole space.

Spring! Cleaning! Mode!

Chuck and I tore through the Caboose and made giant changes in every single room.

There is a very adorable new library where the Costumery used to me (which is now where the Toy Shop used to be). And the entrance is completely redone.

Yes!

Appreciation.

Thank yous to Lurker Mice Helen and Robin for sending fabrics and cards (and for the wonderful … I think it’s an Elizabethan pirate mouse? I LOVE IT.)

And to Sarah Beth for the fabric and the sweet note.

And of course thank you to everyone who helped me this week: Danielle, Shannon, Laura, Dianne and Eclipse, and an especially gigantic thank you to Chuck and Casey, Helper Mice extraordinaire, who kicked ass this week and helped out nearly every day.

Bout tomorrow.

Come on, GNR!

Finally, shoes.

Getting new sneakers was one of the things I’ve been putting off for weeks because of work.

Today it happened. This is a very big deal.

Tea with my partner in crime this morning.

We turned a wall into a door and then opened it a bunch of times.

It wasn’t what I thought was in the cards, but sometimes not-what-was-planned is just the right thing.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band:

That’s My Polar Bear

Lovely, very soothing, ambient music. They’ve been around for a while, but they keep changing their name. And I’m pretty sure it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

If you don’t have the Art of Embarking, you should probably get on that. I can’t say why yet, but just trust me on this. Also, it’s crazy useful. I have been documenting results at Rally, and this is big stuff.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

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