What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Hello, April. 2012.
Dear April,
(The month, that is. For some reason, it seems weirder to write a letter to a month when it sounds like a letter to a person. I don’t know what we’re going to do in June.)
Anyway…
Hi, new month. I have been avoiding writing to you. I have been avoiding saying hello to you, or any other form of conscious entry.
And so far we have spent five days together, and I have been crying for most of them. It kind of sucks.
So we’re going to do this.
We’re going to have an encounter. I’m going to stop avoiding our relationship, with a few awkward, tentative steps towards a more harmonious something-or-other.
I’m going to need a different approach. And apparently I also need a fairy godmother. Huh? What? Oh, okay. Fine. Let’s do it.
The set-up. Starting with the Cast of Characters.
Havi.
Adorably messy hair. Roses on her socks. Way too busy. Cries a lot lately. Possibly a witch?
The Fairy Godmother.
At first glance, she is sort of an oddball mirror reflection of Havi. Equally messy hair. Socks on her roses. Yes.
But something is off. She’s an unlikely candidate for the part.
Underneath the eccentric-aunt costumes, she glows. She is steadily glowing a glow. And not just any glow but indescribably intense.
She’s very smart. And very regal. One begins to suspect it is the goddess Athena in disguise.
Typical. Typical.
April.
Full of flowers. Not interested. No socks. Roses on her roses.
I have zero idea where this is going. But let’s find out…
Oh, it turns out there’s a plot.
Not an evil plot to destroy the whatever. Just that our story has a plot. And here it is:
Both Havi and the Fairy Godmother share a rare form of amnesia.
See also: Memento, Revisited.
Havi can’t remember what she needs, and the Fairy Godmother can’t remember how to give it to her. Or how to show her that it’s already there, which is more often the case.
There’s also a writer (surprise!), and the writer writes notes.
Let’s look at the notes.
This is the note the Fairy Godmother gets each morning.
Tucked under her pillow, no doubt.
Dear fairy godmother,
It is a glorrrrrrrious day, as you are sure to have noticed. Well-sparkled!
As you will have forgotten due to your nightly forgetting, here is your reminder regarding your charge, Havi.
It is your sacred duty to help Havi remain connected to herself and connected to right now.
Additionally, it is absolutely critical that she always have a) keys, b) a quiet and safe place to go, c) something to eat.
Not having access to these things can trigger an episode of thinking that Now Is Just Like Then.
Should an episode of this sort begin, it is up to you to show her how everything is different.
When your work is complete, Havi will be you and you will be done. Actually, you will be me.
Love,
April.
And this is the note Havi gets each morning.
Dear Havi,
You do not know this yet but today has the possibility of being a glorrrrrrrious day, no matter what happens in it.
Athena says: SUN.
Athena says: Start there.
Athena says: Sun salutations.
Athena says: Hum first. Then stretch. Then jump. Then quiet. And only then do you create. Except you don’t even do that. You just reveal the things that have been created for you.
Take care of your fairy godmother by looking at all the clews she sets for you.
Keys are important so pay attention to them.
Go to the quietest place, and the answers will be there.
Everything is a passage, so just notice that.
Love,
April.
Now you can leave a note for April.
Dear April 2012,
You are the month of new.
I am doing my best to be here now. Not in past-Aprils and not in resistance-of-new.
I am committing to flowers, to sun salutations, to walking, to water, to rest.
I want your help. I’m sorry I forgot to ask.
But mainly this. I want us to belong to each other, to feel welcome together.
I want you to feel loved. I want time and space and trust and delight.
I want to remember that I was kind to myself when things were hard.
And I don’t have to know why I’m crying for me-from-then to cry for me-from-then. Maybe it’s another form of watering the garden, I don’t know.
Sometimes I think I don’t know how to love you, but then I remember that saying hello to the not knowing how is another way to say hello to you. Which is another form of love in the form of a gentle touch.
I’m trying.
Love,
Havi
Join me if you like. The commenting blanket fort.
So this was pretty different than it’s been in other months.
See also: July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February / March.
You are welcome to write your own hello letter to April or drop off some gwishes, or whatever you like.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.
And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
Wishing you a safe, comforting, sweet April full of unexpected good things.
Very Personal Ads #142: Lovingly.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: fountaining solutions.
Here’s what I want:
There’s a medium-sized knot of stuckness (or: perceived stuckness) in one corner of the big project that I’m currently working on.
I want things to start sorting themselves out — in a variety of unexpected, creative and playful ways.
The perfect simple solutions start whooshing (yes, there is a FOUNTAIN of them, and no, I do not know what that means but I feel strongly about it).
And I start seeing opportunities that I couldn’t see before.
Ways this could work:
Do some Shiva Nata for the epiphanies. And use it lovingly destroy what is not working.
Getting more clarity on what I want, and what the elements are. I’m pretty clear on what I don’t want, which is pretty much exactly what’s happening right now.
I can do more of this thing I’ve been playing with, basically a really intense version of preparing for the voyage. Going Deep Into Entry.
And possibly also finding a way to say that which doesn’t scream p0rn.
I’ll play with…
Investigating what I know.
About fountains (maybe even this fountain?).
But also about the entire situation.
Thing 2: Toozday!
Here’s what I want:
So you know that I sponsor a roller derby team. And not any team, but the most fabulous and bad-ass team ever, the Guns N Rollers! Who are currently having kind of a rough time of things.
Anyway, I run workshops for them at the Playground twice a month: agility, coordination, destuckifying.
We just moved these practices to Toozdays.
I want to work on mental game. I want breakthroughs. I want people to show up ready and excited. I want it to be AMAZING.
Ways this could work:
Same as with the first ask.
I’ll play with…
Costumes costumes costumes.
Thing 3: More use of the as-yet-unnamed Entry techniques.
Here’s what I want:
I’ve been playing around with this really intense way of setting things up, and it’s working so well that it’s kind of scaring me.
I want more of this.
Ways this could work:
Running an experiment in which I give this more time than I think I need, and tracking the results.
Finding and planting reminders.
I’ll play with…
Using these techniques on one thing each day.
Thing 4: Moving the Toy Shop.
Here’s what I want:
We’re moving the Toy Shop from the original Playground (now the Caboose!) to the new and gigantic Playground.
Ways this could work:
Maybe some people will volunteer to help!
I’ll play with…
Remembering how changing space changes other things as well.
Thing 5: We need a music stand!
Here’s what I want:
A music stand or a cookbook stand? For the new PLUM (Playground User Manual).
Ways this could work:
The just-right thing can show up.
Or maybe we’ll find it at City Liquidators.
Or maybe one of our readers has something that will work.
I’ll play with…
Asking here.
Thing 5: [Silent retreat.]
Here’s what I want:
I’m going on silent retreat for this one.
Ways this could work:
With grace and ease.
I’ll play with…
Listening to Can’t Trust A Heart by the Snake Charmers over and over again.
But also: trusting my heart.
And yoga, of course. Yoga will help.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted just the right phrase to call a TIME OUT, and really I wanted to remember that I am allowed to do this. Working on it. It’s going better.
Then I wanted to play more with doing things In Grand Fashion, and that happened too, though not as much as I would have liked. So I’m re-asking.
My next ask was about making things fun, and that definitely happened. There was so much giggling this week. And I had lovely help from Chuck.
Then I asked for more cloth, and you guys sent lots of it, so THANK YOU for that.
Oh, and we got the just-right rolling stool for the massage room, which is something I asked for two weeks ago. Yay VPAs!
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #191: but better
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
It has been a looooong Friday to end an even longer week. In fact, I’m pretty sure there were at least three separate weeks smooshed into one this time.
Here on the west coast at least, it’s still just barely Friday but let’s call this a weekend chicken.
So. Chicken.
The hard stuff
Everything that is not getting done.
And how long things can take.
And all the things that get postponed because they’re personal and not work, which I end up deeming non-essential but actually they’re VERY essential.
House of messy.
Poor sweet Hoppy House.
I’ve barely been there at all lately, what with putting in twelve hour days at the Playground.
It needs some love and attention.
Big, challenging, not-fun decisions.
Also: the courage to admit that I know what I want.
Worrying about people I love.
Silent retreat on that.
Worrying about a situation that I didn’t know how to resolve.
It’s taken care of now, but the worry part was not fun.
Passoverwhelm..
How how how how how is it almost pesach?!
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
The good stuff
Friends.
Knowing that I have support makes it all easier.
Yoga. Lots and lots and lots of yoga.
Just like old times. But better.
Danielle and I went to our partner yoga workshop, and had — again! — a marvelous time together.
Daily sun salutations. Slow old Turkish lady yoga. Using the practice to ground everything else.
Mostly at the Caboose, which is what we’re calling the original Playground. Sometimes Chuck joins me! I love this.
I also went to a backbending workshop even though that is probably my least favorite thing to do, because Ath (slightly future me) feels strongly about me becoming friends with my spine.
Intentionally undoing the worry-patterns .
Using Shiva Nata and all the Fluent Self stuff to slowly and steadily alter my approach.
And seeing how each moment of altering ripples outward.
Ath.
She is the smartest and the special-est. Her instincts are so solid. I love her.
Joyful destruction.
I was worried about destroying a particular thing because I thought it might be disrespectful, but Ath told me that to destroy an unsovereign connection is to give a gift.
So we DESTROYED it. And it was awesome.
Moment of Bing! Courtesy of Shiva Nata, again (surprise).
Huge and astonishing realization which entirely transformed everything this week.
Specifically, it magically turned what I thought was a dread-filled tough potential impasse of a situation into a lighthearted, joyful easy one. It turned terror into love.
I don’t know that I have ever been so filled to the brim with gratitude.
Big progresses on the new Playground…
The stage is now carpeted.
Things have homes.
The plants have been trimmed, which was one of those symbolic/energetic things that you can’t really see but somehow made a giant difference in the whole space.
Spring! Cleaning! Mode!
Chuck and I tore through the Caboose and made giant changes in every single room.
There is a very adorable new library where the Costumery used to me (which is now where the Toy Shop used to be). And the entrance is completely redone.
Yes!
Appreciation.
Thank yous to Lurker Mice Helen and Robin for sending fabrics and cards (and for the wonderful … I think it’s an Elizabethan pirate mouse? I LOVE IT.)
And to Sarah Beth for the fabric and the sweet note.
And of course thank you to everyone who helped me this week: Danielle, Shannon, Laura, Dianne and Eclipse, and an especially gigantic thank you to Chuck and Casey, Helper Mice extraordinaire, who kicked ass this week and helped out nearly every day.
Bout tomorrow.
Come on, GNR!
Finally, shoes.
Getting new sneakers was one of the things I’ve been putting off for weeks because of work.
Today it happened. This is a very big deal.
Tea with my partner in crime this morning.
We turned a wall into a door and then opened it a bunch of times.
It wasn’t what I thought was in the cards, but sometimes not-what-was-planned is just the right thing.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
That’s My Polar Bear
Lovely, very soothing, ambient music. They’ve been around for a while, but they keep changing their name. And I’m pretty sure it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you don’t have the Art of Embarking, you should probably get on that. I can’t say why yet, but just trust me on this. Also, it’s crazy useful. I have been documenting results at Rally, and this is big stuff.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Here’s What’s Done.
So, as you may have gathered, I’m deep inside of an absolutely gigantic project.
This means I spend most of my time looking/poking at What Is Not Yet Done.
Because there is a certain amount of DONE that needs to happen in order for Stompopolis to open.
Or at least: This Is Relatively Do-able and/or What The Hell Ready Enough. But some form of done needs to happen. And ideally as soon as we can swing it.
Anyway, it’s kind of exhausting having my eyes on What Is Not Yet.
I’m ready for the point where you turn around and exclaim over how it actually looks like you’ve done a lot.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa look how far we’ve climbed! Wow. I had no idea! This is breathtaking and incredible. “
That’s what I need right now. So let’s do that.
Here’s What’s Done.
Let’s see…
The new Destuckification Playground has been transformed.
The massive stage is built.
The stairs for the stage are built.
The trim and carpeting for the stage are here.
The sides of the columns (did I mention that we have an enormous ballroom?) have been painted ORANGE, and the faces have been painted a buttery cream.
The Toy Shop is painted. The Mezzanine is painted. The Treatment Room is painted.
The stage is painted. The curtains are mostly up.
As of yesterday, the baseboards are painted (yay!), and now everything looks sharp.
Let there be light. And sound. And internet.
The electrician came and put up the spotlights for the stage.
The rest of the lighting has been ordered.
The chandeliers have been cleaned.
The sound system is on its way.
Internet in ten days.
Necessary things have been ordered.
Like fairy doors.
But also: the new yoga mats.
The French bulldogs of entry. The owls.
Necessary things have been bought and collected.
Various furnishings.
Tables, chairs and rugs.
We have a massage table coming for the Treatment Room.
Necessary decisions have been decided.
About the nineteen Stations inside the new Playground.
About signs and systems and hours and prices and how/when/who/what-if.
Cloth.
We have been cutting and knotting and cutting and knotting.
Thinkery is being thought.
About so many things!
Meditations are being meditated.
I have been going deep.
This project (which, by the way, is really not a big enough word for being on a crazed mission to change a city and launching five different businesses at the same time) requires a lot of INSIDE time.
Not just interior but very interior. And even more interior than that.
So I’m doing it.
The humming is humming itself.
And every day I go to the new space and I sing to it.
I sing the Embarking song from Rally (Rally!) and I sing it the special songs that it likes. And it reverberates and hums. It hums READY READY READY and PLAY PLAY PLAY and LOVE LOVE LOVE.
This will happen.
This will happen.
This afternoon, I am going back to the piles of notes. To all the deciding that is yet to be decided, the systems that don’t exist yet, the challenges that have not yet found their perfect simple solutions.
To the bathrooms that need seemingly endless work and the Nap Room, which has not even been prepped for painting yet. The hooks, the web copy, the cushions, the signs, the softwares, the mistakes, and whatever else is in the labyrinth. Don’t forget about juice glasses!
But just for now, I am turning around. Deep breath in and out. Surveying all that has been done and put into place.
And all the internal expansion that I have done to become the version of me who can pull this off.
From the knowing that this new place exists (which I have known in my heart for two years) to being Almost-Ready-To-Open.
Stompopolis will hold many things.
A full-time open-to-the-public Playground where anyone can come and play.
A Shiva Nata studio with daily classes.
Treatments: thai massage, chiropractic, bodywork and fun coach-ey things.
An Introvert Recovery Room where you can spend an entire hour napping, meditating, reading, being with your project or just basking in alone time.
We have new offices. And of course there’s the current Playground — which is now becoming the Playground Caboose. That’s part of it too.
Stompopolis will hold 7600 square feet of transformative, playful, hilarious, sweet, gentle, joyful, fun, exploration for gleefully making progress on projects, gwishes, and anything else that needs destuckifying and biggifying.
And this is JUST THE BEGINNING.
Hello, every-step-already-taken.
Sometimes it seems like there’s still forever to go.
And I’m planting this here as a reminder that actually the view from here is pretty damn impressive.
Hi, new Playground! Hi, new space! I’m on my way.
Play with me. The commenting blanket fort.
What I would love:
Joyful welcoming for Stompopolis and for all the marvelous things that will live inside of it. Also hand-on-heart sighs for both how far we have climbed and for the rest of what is left.
No advice, please. Just warmth and appreciation for what we’ve done so far.
And if you would like to take your own Turning Around — in Grand Fashion!— to look at the view from a different angle, you are welcome to join me. I think I’ve been giving myself a crick in the neck from all this peering upward.
Love love love.
Very Personal Ads #141: Flibbertijibbet. Or Quoz.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: the just-right buffer phrase.
Here’s what I want:
I need a phrase that means STOP!!! Schtopp!
Ideally it would sound less dramatic.
Though actually I don’t care whether or not it sounds dramatic. I just want it to be a positive, not a negative.
Like: “Okay, Pause! Paws!”
Or like in Ounce Dice Trice, when you can change the subject by saying Flibbertijibbet. Or QUOZ.
Except it isn’t about changing the subject. It’s about saying: “HEY. Urgent need for several seconds of silence in order to reconnect to essence because disconnection has happened.”
Ways this could work:
The truth is, I already have this.
I have Hiro‘s marvelous phrase: “This isn’t working for me.”
I have Ish Kabibble!
I can call a time out AND an Ish Kabibble.
So I guess my ask is really about a) remembering, and b) being able to maintain a calm, light-hearted presence in these situations.
I’ll play with…
Wanting the want.
Noticing the glitch before we’re into the glitchery. Stopping before the essence of the thing I am intent on has left the room.
Thing 2: More about doing things in Grand Fashion.
Here’s what I want:
My experiments with having things happen in Grand Fashion have been a really big deal.
I’d like to do some writing and consolidating of data.
Ways this could work:
Morning writing. Skipping some stones. And, of course, taking five steps backwards. In Grand Fashion.
I’ll play with…
Doing THIS in grand fashion too. Ha! Take that!
Thing 3: Making it fun.
Here’s what I want:
I have a big week ahead of me.
And I’d like all the things that seem impossibly impossible to turn out to be fun.
Or maybe I can be fun in the way that I approach them. I would like to say: Wheeeee this is all new and exciting!
Ways this could work:
I’m planting it here.
I’m also noticing that I have Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about people thinking that I’m having fun, so I want to give more attention to that. Maybe do some Shiva Nata on the patterns so they can reconfigure themselves.
I’ll play with…
Thing 4: We need more cloth, please!
Here’s what I want:
Everyone has been lovely about sending us cloth in purples, blues and greens for the new open-to-the-public Treatment Room.
And we need way more.
Size is unimportant. Sheets, pillow cases, old t-shirts that we can cut up.
Purples and blues more than greens as we already have lots of green.
And DARK or BRIGHT is definitely preferable to pale, though really it all helps.
Ways this could work:
I’m going to ask here again.
Our mailing address:
The Fluent Self, Inc.
1526 NE Alberta, #218
Portland, OR 97211
United States
I’ll play with…
I can also ask at the Floop and on Facebook, aka the Frolicsome Bar.
And I am going to keep working on being okay with receiving help.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I asked for recommendations for CUBBIES, and got lots. Thank you. Special thanks to Angela, for all the great library furniture links!
Still no decisions made on that, but feeling more hopeful about solutions.
I wanted a rolling stool for the massage room, and still want one.
I asked for a fix-it-ey person who can take down the lights at the Playground Caboose. My guess is that we won’t be able to make progress on that until the new space opens, but I will keep asking.
Really, all of the asks from last week were about the pain hiding underneath the wanting. So I’m going to rewrite all of these to focus on the thing that I really want, which is to feel more supported in this gigantic project. And of course the ask behind that is to reconfigure the old patterns that keep me from seeing the support that is there and accessing it.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox