What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Tralalala tralalala checklists checklists tralala
Alright. A month ago I was at Rally (Rally!) and had a bunch of shivanautical insights related to checklists.
Namely that I need them. Badly. Oh, so very, very badly! But also that I don’t like them very much.
Here’s what I wrote about checklists while doing some stone skipping:
Why checklists are so very useful.
- They are a map.
- They tell you what to do and where to go and when.
- They create forms and shapes to hold things for you.
- They let you not hold so much crap in your head.
- They make spaciousness. See also: the flow chart of spaciousness.
- They bring in new patterns and order.
- They allow you to biggify because there aren’t so many limitations on growth — i.e. the limitations based on holding everything in your head (again).
- They save lives. Surgeons and pilots use them to be more efficient, work smarter and avoid catastrophe.
- They allow for growth in all directions.
- They are adaptable.
- They give you the structure/form/container/that lets you have freedom and play!
- They are queenly. Yay, sovereignty.
- Things can still happen if/when I’m not there to do them.
- They allow for important things to be transmitted to groups of people.
- They create room for rest.
Why I resist making/using checklists, even when I know I need them:
The name. Bleh.
Any other negative associations?
Ahahahaha. Yes. Like these:
[+ grown-ups] [+boring] [+predictable] [+should] [+inowanna iguana!] [+resistance] [+Bargal-esque]
Ah. Okay. Bargal was this company I worked for in Israel where everything had to be filed in triplicate.
And I think the whole checklist thing has morphed into a symbol of exactly that kind of depressing, time-consuming, stick-up-the-ass system-for-its-own-sake which I associate with that incredibly straight job.
So yes. Definitely resistance!
What I want from this new kind of checklist:
Qualities of:
[+navigation]
[+freedom]
[+play]
[+possibility]
[+advantage]
[+speed]
[+agility]
[+flexibility]
[+guidance]
[+ adaptability]
[+treasure]
Check baby check baby 1234.
Alright. So what am I going to call this new kind of checklist?
Is it an index?
A listing? Like listing to port! Tee hee!
Treasure inventory?
Treasure registry. Treasuregistry. No good.
A treasure checklist. A treasure chest list. A chest list. CHECKERS.
I’m calling it checkers. For now. Where’s my Checkers?
So that was a month ago.
I came up with CHECKERS for each part of leading Rally.
And then didn’t print any of them out.
Last night I was running the Rally orientation, and it came time to explain the fine art of Schmurphling. Which is a thing that I invented. For Rally. It’s awesome. You should come to Rally and schmurphle with us some time.
And I was all, oh tralala this is not a problem. I explained all the different and varied Rules of Schmurphling and it was fine.
We schmurphled. These particular Rallions seem to be exceptionally accomplished schmurphlers and we were getting into some pretty advanced schmurphling, dare I say.
Then we finished and I realized I’d forgotten to mention the SECOND MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF SCHMURPHLING, which is that if you don’t feel like being the schmurphler you can call Silent Retreat!
But I forgot because I didn’t have my CHECKERS.
“And that’s why you always have a checklist…”
In my head, I’m imagining J. Walter Weatherman saying that, of course.
Things I am reminding myself of right now:
What Cairene would say: systems are always in motion. You add, you subtract, you make changes. You look at what is working. And then what you can mess with.
What Hiro would say: go to the essence. Look at what a checklist gives you (support, containment, permission) and fill up on those qualities first.
What I would say: It’s all practice. You play. You ask questions. You experiment. You move the pieces around. You remember the fractal flowers. You dance on it.
Each piece is useful.
Every understanding — about why checklists are powerful, why I resist them, what I need to change in order to make them work for me — is useful.
And there’s time.
Everything moves and changes.
At the next Rally (#12!), I’ll have a slightly different system.
And I’ll learn something new that will help make it better. Something about what isn’t working. Something about what might help.
I’ll establish a new hypothesis, invent a new metaphor, wear a new costume.
At the very least, it will be interesting.
Play with me?
No advice please, but stories of your own flawed systems are welcome.
So is humming TRALALA with me, making up silly names for checklists or talking about any of this stuff.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads!
Very Personal Ads #105: mean-me is not going anywhere, I’m glad to say
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: my Rally project!
Here’s what I want:
I have this very insistent idea for a project that I want to work on at Rally (Rally!), which starts tomorrow. Yay! Rally!
But of course Rally always has its own magic, and more often than not the project that wants to be rallied is not the one you thought it was.
So I want to be receptive to this taking many possible forms, and I’d also like to plant some seeds about how much I care about this particular piece of project.
Ways this could work:
I am doing it right now.
The rest I’ll give to Shiva Nata and Rally (Rally!) and let it unfold.
My commitment.
To remember the fractal flowers. To find tiny signs. To love this project and let it know that it is loved, whether it wants to meet me now or later.
Thing 2: progress on a thing!
Here’s what I want:
I’m working on this new version? incarnation? re-imagining? of an old thing we used to do.
And it’s fun! And also kind of driving me crazy.
I guess it’s time to figure out what that’s about.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see.
Maybe slightly future me has some insights. I can do some stone skipping too.
And of course I can flail on it.
My commitment.
What if all the rules I’ve made up about why this can’t happen now are wrong? What if they’re monster rules?
I’m going to pay attention, build some safe rooms and do a little gentle poking about at the edges.
Thing 3: RELEASE
Here’s what I want:
This is the quality I’ve been working with over the past few days, and I’m ready to go a bit deeper.
Safety first, of course. As always. And with sovereignty. But that’s what I’m working on.
Ways this could work:
I’m putting it here.
I’m going to ask smart, loving, curious questions and keep messing around with it.
Release from blame. Release from old rules, ideas, ways of being. Releasing internal restrictions and external projections.
And releasing the need to do things in the old, familiar-but-not-working-anymore way.
I’m also going to use the Things I Saw Today ritual that I’ve been doing at the Frolicsome Bar as a way of bringing more attention to different parts of my day.
My commitment.
To notice — without thinking that the thing I currently happen to be noticing defines who I am.
To lovingly notice. If I can. And to give myself time if I can’t.
Thing 4: to write about dread
Here’s what I want:
So. I have all these things to say about dread.
It’s time to write some of them down.
Ways this could work:
At Rally?
At a cafe?
I don’t know.
My commitment.
To do lots of Shiva Nata until all the pieces come together.
To not put a deadline on this. Some things need to percolate, and my job here is not to force it but to discover what’s there.
Small snort from monsters and a request that I be a bit more bitchy because they miss mean-me.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Okay. I wanted systems help, and it showed up in a very different form than what I was expecting. So now I need more systems help, but it’s not what I thought.
This is going to require some flexibility. I’m hoping that this work I’m doing with RELEASE will help.
Then I wanted a holiday before Rally started. And I got it! Three whole days of it! Thank you, VPAs.
I was working on a practice of releasing judgment, and it was absolutely fascinating.
Some parts were very easy for me: “Huh, I just made a judgment and it’s not necessarily true, helpful or relevant, so I’m going to separate from it.”
Some parts were not easy at all. Apparently I really do think that ordering hot chocolate in a bar is an Unforgivable Sin, as it turned out.
Anyway, most of my harshest judgments are aesthetic and/or alcohol-related, and it was fairly entertaining noticing some of the patterns at play there. I’m definitely keeping some of them — no point in releasing all of it… 🙂
I was a bartender for five years and some habits just don’t die. Also I’m pretty sure that even the Dalai Lama makes fun of people who make unacceptable drink orders. Okay, he doesn’t. But he just beamed at me anyway.
And I wanted two weeks of Shiva Nata posts and I’ve written two — most recently this one about how you are never done.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
xox
Friday Chicken #153: pirate queen in hiding
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
It’s Friday! That wasn’t unexpected at all.
Anyway, here we are. Let’s chicken.
The hard stuff
Dread!
I was so anxious about the Fourth of July and all my PTSD stuff coming up, what with all the explosions everywhere.
And it kind of incapacitated me until I figured out what to do with it.
Anxiety over the weekend. Not fun.
Plus everyone you meet asks you what your plans are for the holiday and you don’t want to actually SAY that you’re planning on hiding in the closet and sobbing, so it’s awkward.
Ahahahahaha, systems screw-ups again.
On the Fourth of July itself, I didn’t look at my calendar. Because it’s a holiday.
But apparently someone on my crew scheduled a client call for that day.
So I didn’t show up for it.
And then I felt awful about that. Gah. SYSTEMS! Just when you think you’ve sorted out the rough edges, there’s another rough edge in there somewhere.
Work. In. Progress.
Exhausted.
Spent most of my three day vacation napping.
A minor disappointment.
Have you ever had something in mind to try that you thought was going to be your favorite thing in the entire world?
And then you finally get a chance or make the time, and it turns out that it isn’t that great after all.
A small thing but there is grief there too.
Hotel had awful freakish warped fun house mirror.
In the room.
I now know what I will look like if I am ever to reach a state of “Wesley, get momma’s prying bar”. Simpsons: season 9, episode 17
It did not exactly enhance my vacation. Luckily the bathroom mirror was remarkably flattering, so I spent lots of time in there recovering.
Time off goes by too quickly.
I protest!
The good stuff
I was okay!
I used all my techniques. I prepared. I did Shiva Nata on it.
And it worked.
No Fourth of July falling apart this year, for the first time since coming back to the States (five years?).
And I was even able to watch the fireworks from a safe distance (resting in the grass in the dark).
And I DIDN’T CRY.
This is nothing short of outrageously miraculous.
Three entire days of vacation.
Bliss.
All the neat things about vacation.
Long hikes by the river.
Being tired, sweaty and covered in dust, but in a good way. And then climbing into the bath.
Eating tortilla chips while sitting on the balcony.
Not having plans.
Not caring about plans.
Encountering the disturbing word non-word “Poo-llution”. And then snickering the rest of the week.
Dance class every day!
Happy.
I saw lots of neat things on my holiday.
Like a marmot. On a golf course. Pretending to be a bunny. (Unsuccessfully.)
Also a coyote meandering across a highway with roadkill in its mouth.
Star-spangled-fingernails on an especially patriotic waitress.
I smelled elderberry flowers.
Basically, it was different than being at home. And that was kind of the point.
I wrote the Shiva Nata posts I’d wanted to!
Specifically this very important one about 10 Basic Principles (which are useful and valuable even if you’re not a shivanaut).
AND this one about how Shiva Nata is fractal and crazy and there is no such thing as running out of it. Also relevant for other things that you practice.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is one I heard about through Amna.
Sad Lumpy Routine
See them live if you get a chance. It’s supposed to be quite the show. Though, did you know? It’s actually just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Hello, July. Let’s make some Gwishes.
Background.
- I am a fan of entry and exit.
- I like rituals. You may have noticed.
- Waving hi to the month of July is a variation on my daily Hello, Day practice.
- Gwishes: what I call those things that are not goals or wishes but kind of both.
That should be enough. Let’s do this.
Hello, July! What I want from July.
By which I mean: What I’d like to receive/learn/perceive/experience in July.
Okay. I want to be able to rejoice over July. To release this dread, resistance, regret, fighting-with-what-is.
It’s July. I’d like to be able to say HELLO, JULY, without the accompanying Oh crap how is it already July?!
Or if I can’t accept the July-ness of July yet, at least to recognize that and say hello to it too.
I want to see the good and find the good and remember the good. Without minimizing the hard.
To have something reignite. Sparks. Excitement, enthusiasm, optimism. I don’t know. I can’t remember. I want to remember.
I want this to be the month when I arrive on the other side of this gigantic growth period and say ahahahahahahaaaaaaaa this!
The qualities and superpowers of this July.
Hope. Trust. Safety. Support. Love. Adaptability. Agility. Congruence. Flow. Forgiveness. Play.
For my body.
Walking, breathing, singing, tramping on the tramp, going to dance class, lots of Shiva Nata (five minutes at a time), napping.
And lots of water.
And more napping.
Sleep, basically. As a gift. Here you go, body. I care about you. Enjoy.
What does Slightly Future Me have to say about all this?
She says:
You’re doing great, hon.
This can be another turning point if you let it. You’ve done the work.
The key is joy, delight, gratitude, not-forcing.
And you have to play with it. Fill up on your you-ness.
Stop. Look around. Stop again. Enter and exit. Be conscious.
And take lots of baths.
Let’s make some Gwishes!
Gwish! Gwish! Like bubbles.
I gwish for:
- A vacation! A longer one!
- For the ten Shiva Nata posts writing themselves in my brain to put themselves on paper or turn themselves into pixels.
- For a redoing of the Plum Duff Days in the new format.
- Spaciousness and ease.
- A new couch.
And let’s throw some things into the pot.
I throw all of this into the pot.
Play with me? And comment zen for today.
You are welcome to write your own Hello, July.
Or drop off some gwishes.
Or write July a love letter.
Or invent your own month-welcoming (or month-naming) ritual.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.
And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
That is all. Much love and happy July-ing.
This is a list that my monsters wrote!
This week’s Very Personal Ads reminded me — again! — that I am desperately in need of a Pirate Queen Holiday.
And that if Selma and I don’t go into Emergency Vacation mode and take one immediately, some pretty not good things will probably happen.
Even the monsters agreed.
And they are usually of the (extremely vocal) opinion that any time off whatsoever is DOOM DOOM DOOM and IMPENDING DOOM.
My monsters were now more worried about the impending doom from not taking a break than they were about the doom of taking one. Wow. That got my ass in gear.
Thus a mini-holiday!
A mini-holiday! It is happening! Hooray! And happening tomorrow. Again hooray!
Except about ten seconds later it turned out that the pre-holiday freakout was happening too. Surprise. Not-hooray!
So.
Let’s be scientific about this.
As you know if you have the Monster Manual & Coloring Book, one of the ways to lovingly stop your fuzzball monsters in their tracks and get them on your side is by invoking SCIENCE.
Your monsters don’t just get to make wild claims and give supposed evidence by telling stories about how much you suck.
They have to come up with a hypothesis and test it.
And your crew of internal scientists comes out with their lab coats and clipboards, and it’s awesome.
Because it pretty much always turns out that the monster theories are not very accurate. And then you are armed with statistics for the next time they mistakenly attempt to terrify you.
Anyway. That’s just background.
Let’s do this. Seventeen Billion Things!
Monsters say there are Seventeen Billion Things To Do before I can go on this mini-holiday. So DOOM!
Also they say that I will never get them done, so not just DOOM but also SHAME and possibly a chorus of Oh No Oh No Oh No Oh No and some hyperventilating.
That’s their number. Seventeen Billion Things To Do.
I say, on the other hand, there are no more than thirty things, and that some probably don’t need to be done right this minute anyway.
Who is right?! It’s so hard to say.
Let’s bring in the scientists!
Wait. Monsters say we can’t bring in the scientists because:
a) no time! and
b) some of the Things To Be Done are things whose existence we won’t remember until later, and the monsters will feel stoopid (again!) in front of the scientists.
I pull out the Clipboard of Tested and Acknowledged Facts.
And I show it to the monsters. Yup. They made the very same No Time argument eleven out of the past twelve times that we consulted the scientists.
And in all twelve of those situations, consulting the scientists actually saved us time.
As for the feeling stoopid thing, we are asking the scientists to reserve judgment and be neutral. They can do that. They’re like the Negotiators. They don’t take sides.
Compromise? Compromise!
I suggested to the monsters that we just make a list right now of the things that Absolutely Absolutely must get done.
And they said Okay. Deal.
They wanted to make the list themselves without me looking.
So. This is a list written by my monsters, who wish you to know that they have permission from me to write it.
And I will just add that they were granted that permission on the condition that they not say anything mean, call me names or try to guilt-trip me.
They asked if they can quietly whisper-add “except in bed” to each item to make it funnier and I thought that was a good idea, and now they are giggling hysterically. Which is weirdly cute.
Also. These are not in order but the monsters say there’s a Very Strict Rule about how if there aren’t numbers it doesn’t count.
Except in bed. Tee hee!
So there are numbers but I don’t have to follow them. Yes? Yes.
The monster list of things we think Havi absolutely absolutely needs to do today so she can go on mini-holiday tomorrow!
- write notes for the dvds ordered this weekend
- finish and put up the new post
- give FM packages to deliver to Cindy
- have a giant fit about packing
- pack
- go to stephanie
- don’t forget to tell stephanie about what NOT to do
- buy toothpaste
- go to the Horrible Store and procure the Thing You Can’t Live Without
- make lists of posts for while you’re gone
- Oh! The folder! The folder! It needs so much work and this is urgent ohmygod!
- tramp on the tiny trampoline
- go to dance class
- notes for the chickening
- clean up for S who is coming to stay (take note, imaginary Twitter stalker burglar!)
- take care of the Project Mess at the Playground
- send the card to Svevo
- put the pouncers in a box
- laundries
- emergency birthday present hunt because uh-oh we forgot his birthday
- questions for H.
- put that music on the ipod because you’ll need it for doing Shiva Nata
The monsters feel ashamed that they temporarily cannot think of more than twenty three things but they assure me there are more that they have forgotten.
They also say that if I weren’t so disorganizizized, they would have a better list, but they understand that I am scared of order because they yell so much.
They kind of wanted to put GET ORGANIZIZIZIZED PLEASE on the list but I reminded them about being realistic. And about not yelling.
So here we are.
The monsters wish to say thank you for the opportunity to write a list all by themselves without supervision, which has never happened before.
And I want to say thank you to them for not saying anything mean on the list. I’m sure that was really challenging, guys.
All right, monsters! They also agreed that I could stop freaking out if I did some of the things on the list. And they agreed that they would stop freaking out too.
So I’m going to see if I can help them out by doing a couple of these while they chill out in the Chilling Out Room (it’s like a safe room) and drink their Timber Joey milkshakes while making extra loud slurping sounds.
And comment zen for today..
Interacting with monsters is hard! It’s the hardest!
You might be wondering why my monsters weren’t more abusive and scream-ey and terrifying today. That’s because I’ve been talking to them every day for the past six years.
So we have a different relationship than you might if you’ve only recently started experimenting with opening up channels for sovereign, compassionate internal communication.
This stuff is challenging. It takes time. And I still have moments when I forget what I’ve learned.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
No advice, please, but if you want to make lists of your own or say YAY or invent milkshakes, that is welcome.
Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.