What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Talking to someone who has done this.
So yesterday I wrote about this weird interview that I held with myself while I was trying to figure out some business systems stuff. While rallying it up at Rally (Rally!).
And what came out of that was something about needing to make a certain kind of folder. But I didn’t want to. And also that I should talk to the me who has already done this.
Now you’re up to speed. It just gets weirder from here.
And I begin, if somewhat reluctantly.
Me: Sooooo. I’m supposed to talk to the me who has done this. Something abut making a folder. Anyway. Hi. Can you tell me what happens once we make the new folder?
She: You mean, what happens once you have committed to being in a new relationship with order?
Me: Oh, right.
She: I have an idea. Let’s turn this around. How about I interview you?
Me: Uh, I guess that’s okay.
Something about tightness.
She: What are you worried will happen when you become the person who has made peace with order… when you become me?
Me: I don’t know. I guess I’m worried that I’ll be really uptight. Not that you are. Obviously. But it seems really stressful, all that order.
She: What happens if you become uptight?
Me: I’ll keep tightening and tightening and get angrier and angrier and hurt and more hurt and then I’ll crumple and break. I’ll be like _______________.
And the opposite of tightness.
She: Then it makes sense you’d want to avoid that.
Me: Yeah. I hadn’t thought about that.
She: Is it possible — theoretically — that order could end up bringing about less tightness?
Me: It could. It definitely could. Because I wouldn’t be creating more piles. And because I could find all the information I need. That feels kind of liberating.
She: So order and tightness are not the same. Just because they were the same for [these three people from my past] doesn’t mean things have to be uptight and constricted for you.
Me: Wow. You’re right! Like what Hiro says about radiating instead of contracting. I can have order and radiance.
We need a story.
She: Tell me what will happen when you have this folder and the Anthology. Not that this necessarily has to be the solution you stick with. You have creative freedom. But imagine. Tell me like it’s a story of something that already happened.
And I thought that was stupid. But then I told her a story and everything got better.
A story about radiating and not contracting.
Once upon a time, there was a Rally. Rally!
There were many Rallies. There were ten Rallies and the pirate queen loved hosting Rally because Rally is buoyant and sparkly and filled with love.
And also Shiva Nata: mad, hilarious, laughter-filled flailing and getting intentionally wonderfully lost.
The pirate queen loved collecting all the beautiful shivanautical insights and epiphanies, and all the understandings that came from being at the Playground.
From playing with her projects instead of trying to force them to go a certain way.
Remembering. And then remembering again.
She remembered she was a secret scientist running the most outrageous and amazing experiments on the ship and throughout the entire kingdom.
Except instead of having a neat shelf full of lab books, she had a messy, overflowing lab where she could never locate her important results and findings when she needed them.
And since new experiments and hypotheses are built on previous research, she was losing valuable information and access to valuable internal treasure.
One day she remembered something else. Not only was she a pirate queen, she was also a shivanaut and a master of repatterning. Patterns were her world. She knew about patterns.
So she decided to repattern the laboratory and make it new again.
She decided the laboratory could still be a) mysterious, b) magical, c) filled with weird cauldrons, d) beautiful, e) home to delightful surprises.
AND the laboratory would now also be easy to navigate, clearly marked, ordered and patterned, with everything getting a home and a Revue.
Secret ways to navigate! No one else would see the patterns, but she would. They would be hidden code patterns, readable only to her!
The laboratory wouldn’t lose its mystique. It didn’t need to become clinical and boring.
Instead there were new and secret patterns to light the way. A system of lights and pulses for the pirate queen to follow. The lights emit a smell like freshly baked bread.
Now she knows where to go and how to get there.
And when she doesn’t know, she asks.
And when she still doesn’t know, she invents a story and follows it.
Play? And comment zen for today…
I’m still not even sure about all the other stuff that happened. There was some metaphor mousing and some moments of bing! There was some hiding in the Refueling Station and napping in the hammock.
But if you would like to join me in some of this, that would be lovely. Like asking the you who has done the thing that you are not sure about.
Or writing an unlikely bedtime story about how you solved a problem. It might even be a good way to find the counterpart of something hard.
And it might be another way to be a fox in the video game.
Anyway, I’d love some company.
As always: we work on our stuff, we let people have their own experience and we don’t tell each other what to do (unless someone asks, of course!).
Kisses from the Playground where I am about to commence with the mad flailing again. Updates to follow!
Me interviewing myself again. About systems.
A peek into notebook from Rally (Rally!). This is from yesterday.
Let’s talk
Q: Systems! I’m stuck! Let’s talk. So. What is the essence of what I want when I think about systems?
A: Order. New patterns.
Q: Why do I want this? Why do I want order?
A: Because it creates ease. And ease leads to flow.
Q: Give me an example.
A: Okay. Today you got all kinds of good shit from the stone skippings. But it’s in this random yellow legal pad, which is going to move from place to place and be depiled a million times and there will be iguanas and eventually you’ll have to type it up…
Tightness.
Q: I’m feeling all tight and anxious listening to you right now. Is that part of this too?
A: Yes. You feel tightness when there aren’t ways for things to flow. And you feel resentful when you have all this useful information and you can’t use it. And you feel frustrated when you don’t know where things are.
Q: So flow is the opposite of tightness and that is where the new systems come in?
A: Flow means change. And here’s the thing. You’re upset with yourself for making more work instead of less work but you don’t think you have the right to be upset because you don’t think this can change.
I don’t know what to do.
Q: I don’t know what to do. What do I do?
A: You think creatively. You do the types of things for yourself that you do for the Rallions and for your coaching clients.
Q: For example?
A: Like if you make a Rally Revue Anthology… and a folder with worksheets for all the capers and exercises you do at Rally, including the stone skippings. Then when you finish stone skipping, you place those pages in the anthology under Rally #10. They’ll be there for you when you need them, and you can highlight things of importance. Structure is beautiful!
Q: Structure is beautiful? Tell me more about this.
A: It just is.
Explain?
Q: But I don’t get it. Explain?
A: Like the Victorian garden. It calms you because it is ordered. There are patterns. It shows you where to go. Don’t you want to be shown where to go? I mean, you do Shiva Nata and you skip the stones to find out where to go, but then you don’t keep this information in places where you can track it. Is it because you love chaos?
Q: I do love chaos and chaos is also beautiful. So what do I do? How does this work? How do I have order and chaos at the same time?
A: You already know how to do this. You know it from Shiva Nata. Chaos and order are not in contradiction.
Q: That sounds familiar.
A: Right. It’s how Shiva Nata works. You use the chaos to take apart the old patterns, and then the new patterns, structures and forms show up. Chaos and order are both part of the process. You can’t do just one side of it or it stops working.
Q: But how do I apply this?
A: Listen. Everything you do already has elements of chaos and order. The stone skipping questions are order: they have a form and a shape that guide your thoughts and your words. But they are also chaos: once the stone is dropped, you don’t know where it’s going to go.
Q: Keep going with this.
A: The stone establishes a world. A world! A sovereign world for you to play in. And then within that world you are completely free to follow your explorations wherever they lead you. They don’t have to make sense. They just are.
But what do I do?
Q: But what do I do?
A: You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to figure anything out. You’re already doing it. You already live with both chaos and order. All you’re doing is bringing in a new pattern to replace the one that isn’t working.
Q: So what does this new pattern look like, aside from making a folder?
A: It’s about commitment.
Q: What do you mean?
A: It’s about committing to processing your stuff in a way that you can use. It’s saying yes to form and order, to living without piles, to being able to look up information.
Q: I still don’t really understand. I mean, yes. I make a folder and then my life is easier. But I’m still really resisting some element of this. What am I supposed to DO?
A: You keep asking this question even though you know it’s not the right question. So I’m going to answer it and not answer it. I will tell you what the next step is.
What’s the next step?
Q: What’s the next step?
A: Talk to the you who has done this.
Q: Done what?
A: I’m calling silent retreat on this one and let you figure it out. I’ll talk to you later.
Postscript!
I did end up talking to the me who has done this.
And I’ll post that part tomorrow…
And comment zen for today.
We share our stories and process if and when we want to. We can call SILENT RETREAT whenever we feel like it. We don’t give each other unsolicited advice. We make room for our stuff. We take responsibility for our experience. We play.
Love, as always, to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Everything has a counterpart.
I’ve been on a mission to find one thing in each day and make it slightly less sucky.
Not big, meaningful, important things.
It’s more like finding some small bit that’s grating or jangling. And then removing it.
Replacing, rewriting, adjusting, deleting, translating it. Easing friction in some form.
It’s a form of play.
It forces me to think in terms of what Hiro calls perfect simple solutions:
What’s a playful, creative, possibly-elegant way to turn this thing I don’t like into something I don’t mind, don’t notice, or maybe even kind of enjoy?
Like this one.
I get spam phone calls on my cell phone from the same two numbers. Several times a day.
Being on the Do Not Call list doesn’t help. Reporting the evil little bastards doesn’t help. They ring all the time and I get annoyed each time and then I end up turning off my phone for days or even weeks, which also doesn’t help.
Last week I gave the spammy numbers the most relaxing ringtone I could find. And I named them.
Now when I hear beautiful bells ringing, I look at my phone and it says:
Breathe! No response necessary.
It’s a reminder to pause (paws!). And that not everything requires a response, which is useful.
These reminders are even better because past-me planted them for Slightly Future Me, and now here I am.
Magic.
Anyway, I’m starting to think that everything that annoys me has some sort of counterpart — the not-as-evil twin? — that doesn‘t annoy me. Or is even kind of pleasant. Kind of useful.
So I’m looking for the places and patterns in my life (physical stuff, systems issues) that need attention.
Anything that is half-working but half-falling-apart. And I’m looking for the silliest and most unlikely ways to turn those things around.
And when I can’t find creative solutions, I do Shiva Nata on it until something comes up.
But not all at once.
One thing each day.
I’m not necessarily changing anything right away.
Just identifying what sets me off. Taking notes on what I react to, how I react and how it feels.
And then thinking about what I want to see, hear, feel, perceive, experience instead.
One thing.
Kind of like the do just one thing thing or the do ten things thing. Thing-thing!
Play? Brainstorming party?
One thing you want to experiment with.
One thing you’d like to turn around and find the counterpart for.
Or a bunch of things. Or just a giant Where’s Waldo doppelgänger-finding party.
As always: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let people have their own experience and we don’t give each other unsolicited advice. Though of course if you want help and ideas from the other commenter mice, ask away.
And if someone would make me a virtual cup of throat-soothing tea, I would appreciate that. I might kind of be losing my voice and that sucks because today is Rally (Rally!).
Very Personal Ads #101: creative ways to get what you want.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
You probably don’t remember this at all but when we got to Friday Chicken #101 almost a year ago, it was called things to do on a rainy day.
As in: 101 Things To Do on Said Day of Rain. Anyway, I won’t be able to make this increasingly stupid joke again for another hundred weeks, so enjoy it while you can. Let’s do this!
Thing 1: gloves! colorful gloves!
Here’s what I want:
We moved the giant ship’s wheel at the Playground up higher on the wall so that it looks more dramatic. If you saw the first video of me in the pink wig, you can see how it was before.
But it makes it harder for people to accurately mirror what my hands are doing when I’m teaching Shiva Nata, especially in Horizontal 1 and Horizontal 4.
So I’m thinking costumes! Because that’s basically what I always think.
Bright gloves? Sparkly gloves? Ideally fingerless, of course.
Who’s got some?
Ways this could work:
I can dig through that one cabinet where things hide and maybe I’ll find those orange ones I used to have.
Maybe one of you guys has a pair not in use that you can send. Or maybe you know where I could get the perfect, crazy thing. Etsy shop recommendation?
My commitment.
To play! To experiment. To keep trying things.
To go Gwen Stefani on this and be fearlessly ridiculous in all of my teaching outfit choices for a while, just to see what happens.
I can — uh, theoretically — play with this at Rally (Rally!) this week. We’ll see!
Thing 2: Shiva Nata at Derby Daze!
Here’s what I want:
The Rose City Rollers (Portland’s roller derby league) host a yearly three-day derby retreat in August.
Last year’s sounded so amazing, and I had this crazy beautiful idea about running some Extreme Agility and Badass Coordination trainings (aka Shiva Nata) for the skaters — sort of like what I do for the team we sponsor. Go Guns N Rollers!
And then I did absolutely nothing with it.
And then this week @openlybalanced asked me about this year. Like, wouldn’t it be the most awesome thing EVER if the off-skates training for Derby Daze would be a shivanautical thing with me.
And I’m all yeah baby wheeeeeeee! Got super excited. And haven’t done anything.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see.
I could make a list of all my allies and resources who could help with this.
It could turn out that the connections I already have are enough.
It could turn out that everything needed for this is already in place.
There could be big fabulous enthusiasm and delight about it!
My commitment.
To stay with the gwish. To ride the enthusiasm.
To talk to any monsters who aren’t on board and find out what they need to feel safe with this. Internal investigation.
And of course I will use Shiva Nata to flail on it and see what patterns it shows me.
Thing 3: help spreading the word!
Here’s what I want:
I’m doing this no-cost snack preview (more fun than a sneak preview) picnic call on June 30.
It’s a fun group call. We’ll be talking about Shiva Nata, insights and epiphanies, ways to have fun and play, and a bunch of sneaky ways to teach and learn, as well as whatever else you want to know.
There will be a Chattery (like a chat room but better because it’s a Chattery) and it will be a beautiful time.
I want lots of lovely people! And questions! And an audience. And hilarity and fun. And I want help spreading the word.
Ways this could work:
First I am just going to ask.
It would mean so much to me if you guys could spread the word and invite people.
Here, online, on your blogs, at the Twitter bar or on Facebook (visit us at the Frolicsome Bar!), whatever works.
I am going to give you the link:
http://shivanata.com/blog/updates/sneak-preview-also-snack-preview-june-30th
What else? I can tell my friends, students, fellow shivanauts. And keep brainstorming. And dancing.
My commitment.
To keep finding ways to get better at asking for help and support.
And receiving it.
Thing 4: appreciation (and a new pattern)
Here’s what I want:
Last week I was at a dance class and the teacher was telling us about a class he’s teaching at a dance conference — a class of 2500 people! Imagine!
And I was so excited and happy for him! We all were. And even though I’m weird and freaky about crowds, the thought of that kind of intense energy — all those people doing the same thing at the same time! — was so powerful and inspiring.
My heart is singing and happily zooming just thinking about it.
And there is also a place of envy in my heart.
Not for the insanely world-changingly giant classes, though that would be amazing and I am sure it will happen one day. But for the outpouring of rejoicing that happened when he told us. Oh! I want like that!
In my experience, every time I’ve mentioned to my people that I am thinking of something bigger, so many of them freak out about what that change will mean for them and how they will be uncomfortable because of my biggification.
They’re in their pain and their discomfort, and that’s okay. Their story, their process.
But where my patterns come in is that moment of hurt. That painful longing for appreciation.
I am noticing how much I crave that kind of delight and rejoicing with me. To know that I am supported while I am growing this thing I care about so passionately.
Ways this could work:
Meeting my pain. Giving it room to exist. And permission to be there.
And then I can begin to work on the parts of this that are mine: my own pain and my own stuff.
How? By interviewing myself, my doing the alignment exercise, by doing everything we do here in order to destuckify and find a new, more sovereign relationship with this experience.
I can do Shiva Nata on it to figure out what the old patterns are and rewrite them.
Experimentation!
I can try to find the places where there already is so much love and appreciation for what I do. And I can try to find the shadow places: are there situations in which I also try to keep other people small because I am in pain?
My commitment.
To be curious. To ask open, compassionate questions. To release attachment to what I think the answers should be.
To conduct a loving investigation into this, without needing to fix anything. Just to find out what is going on and what the various parts of me need in order to heal. To keep moving.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted more Shiva Nata roller derby classes (hark! a theme!), and they’re being set up.
Then I asked for recommendations for the just-right gym bag and got plenty of great suggestions. Thank you!
Movement on the Shiva Nata iPhone app? Not really. Still waiting on legal to get things going.
Walking? More than I had been doing, maybe not as much as I’d like. I am going to re-work those last two asks and see what is missing and how I can change my relationship to it.
And I wanted celebration and recognition (aha! there it is again!) for sticking with the Very Personal Ads for one hundred whole weeks, and you guys were awesome about rejoicing with me, so thank you for that. Hugely appreciated!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #149: this chicken has got wheels!
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week was crazy challenging. With some shining, beautiful moments.
And now it’s Friday! Friday wins again. So here we are. Chickening in 3, 2, 1…
The hard stuff
Confrontation! I do not like it.
So stressful. So not fun.
And so very much of it right now.
Metaphorical roller coasters.
Cycles of pain, fear, worry, doubt.
Business stuff falling through the cracks like crazy.
Admin screw-ups. System screw-ups.
Most of them my fault.
Feeling bad about all of it.
Noise. Incessant, unbearable noise.
Dogs. Babies. Hammering.
The sound of my own brain exploding from being so overwhelmed.
Generally wanting to kill people.
Pretty sure it was mostly hormonal but still. Sucks.
Tech stuff.
We broke the Secret Lab site while messing with video, and no one on staff could fix it and then we had to run for outside help (thank you, Chris!) and gaaaaaah tech stuff.
Thinking you’re done with something and then discovering you’re not.
Repeat.
The good stuff
The four hour nap I took on Saturday.
You can put that straight into the top ten list of most healing experiences of my existence. I mean, wow.
It was outrageous.
I confronted people and it was okay and I’m really proud of myself.
And even though I didn’t get what I wanted, this was such a win. Actually, it was about a dozen wins and I want ten thousand sparklepoints for doing it.
For one thing, confronting people is the most terrifying thing in the world for me. I’d rather do interpretive dance to the national anthem in front of thousands of people than initiate conversations like this.
So the fact that I even did it is a big deal. Add to that the fact that I am totally in awe of the two people I had to talk to.
And that I was able to make my case in a direct, sovereign and loving way. When they got defensive, I didn’t take it personally. I was able to see their sides, respect their positions and still say what I wanted to say.
Also I didn’t stutter or blush or apologize. And then I also figured out what we have in common (alignment!). AND I didn’t spent the next few days rehashing it in my head.
I don’t even know how to tell you how huge this is.
OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!
My beloved Guns N Rollers (the roller derby team that Selma and I sponsor) have been having a super rough season. They lost all their best skaters to the travel team, and have been struggling all year.
This past weekend in the pre-playoffs scramble they were up against the best team in the league. Imagine a small town baseball team up against the Yankees. I was pretty sure we were going to lose by hundreds of points.
But GNR has been using everything I’ve been teaching them in our Shiva Nata warm-ups, and it shows.
They showed up to the bout with the most competitive skating I’ve seen in several seasons. They lost, but only by fifteen points, which is outrageous. And they made the High Rollers work really hard to win, which no one was expecting.
If you had been there to see the GNR girls! They were using their force fields. They were using everything I’ve taught them. And it worked.
And they got to feel what it’s like when a thing that works does the job.
Shiva Nata and Roller Derby forever!
So I told Sugar that I’d be happy to run shivanautical agility and coordination trainings for the team this summer and they’re totally into it.
Just call me Flipper!
Okay so this chicken is now getting heavy on roller derby updates but that’s because there were bouts Friday, Saturday and Sunday so I really did spend half my week yelling my head off.
Anyway, there were about twenty people in our section who had never been to a bout before and they were planning on rooting for the High Rollers, but I turned them over to our side. Flip it!
See also shivanautical Flip-its, which are not the same thing.
Semi-related: the pink wig wins again!
Often at Rally (Rally!), people are heard to say that they like who they are on Rally so much better than in real-life.
Well, I like Pink Wig Havi better than regular Havi.
Pink Wig Havi! She’s gregarious, a word that no one has ever used to describe me.
Plus she’s crazy. I mean, so am I but her crazy is louder and way more entertaining.
Also, VIDEO! Of me! In a (different) pink wig.
A close second to my fear of confrontation is my terror of being videotaped. Except putting said video online.
I know that people do this every single day but I don’t get it. And I am envious of all of them.
Anyway, after years of agonizing I let someone take an actual video of a class. And then after a few more weeks of sitting on it, yesterday I published. Sparklepoints!
There are more videos up at the Secret Lab, but if you want to see me laughing hysterically and flailing some flail, go here:
This is the post where there is an actual video that you can see of me, pink wig and all, being shivanautical. Eek!
Summer!
Corn on the cob. Roasted squash from the garden. Everything from the garden.
All the roses in bloom. Strawberries! Bliss.
Also it’s Shavuot! Best. Holiday. Ever.
Plus this Monday is already Rally. Rally!
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is the best!
Sad Little Robot Excursion
They’re playing in town all week. Except that it’s really just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
June 30 is a shivanautical snack preview (better than a sneak preview) picnic call. No cost. Hanging out with me. And snacks.
And talking about Shiva Nata and flailing.
If you’re even slightly intrigued by the magic and insanity/hilarity that is Shiva Nata, you are more than welcome to sign up.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.