What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Acknowledgment & Legitimacy

by Havi Brooks | Oct 25, 2017 | working on patterns & habits

This post is part of a Self Fluency basics series.

I love basics. Returning to basics is how we exit the middle — the advanced practice is *always* found in the beginning practice; back to the foundations, back to receptivity, curiosity and wonder.

In both yoga and dance, I revisit the basics constantly to deepen my understanding of the essence of my practice, and when I work with clients (aka when I play with fellow secret agents in the Secret Agency of Agency!), we also return to basics as if they are new.

Our prep work involves investigating the core concepts of self-fluency, practicing until they become second nature, until we can automatically apply them to anything we’re going through. I’m sharing this series so you can play along with us. One of the most foundational pieces of what we do here is [Acknowledgment & Legitimacy], this is an exploration of that…

practice

We live in a culture that privileges the ability to get over things,
move past, be over it already, be okay again.

(Or, maybe better said,
our culture rewards the appearance of having done this,
whether anyone actually achieves this or not seems to be largely irrelevant.)

This is why the practice of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy
— letting hard things be hard, making room for an experience to be how it is in that moment, remembering that [uncomfortable emotion] is a very valid and understandable reaction to whatever the circumstances may be, even if it isn’t immediately clear why —
is so deeply subversive:

the revolution internal

We sow the seeds of revolution whenever we
release ourselves of
any obligation to
get over it already,
or in any time frame at all.

Each time we notice-and-question this inherited mindset of
“hurry up and move through it”,
we are interrupting the hierarchy,
changing the established patterns,
setting something new into motion
yes, in ourselves,
and also out into the world.

revolution like uprising and revolution like circles, spirals, like the roundness of sound and resonance, bells echoing outwards

sometimes what is unlikely is still true

We can actually heal much faster when we intentionally choose [not-pushing],
when we undo external or internalized expectations about
how long the grieving/recovery/______ process should take
or what it might look like,
when we let go of the idea of a finish line,
and notice the perpetual and exhausting perception that we are always
late or lagging behind.

(a flash of memory, from the book Momo by Michael Ende,
when walking backwards, slowly and intentionally,
is what gets our heroes down the magical path to sanctuary
faster than hurrying)

ease even when not easy

Painful things can change shape with more ease
when we aren’t so invested in making them change as soon as possible,
shift happens
it does

And it happens in the timing that is needed,
which can also change,
and anyway, all timing becomes reasonable
when we agree to things being how they are in this moment,
and then, guess what, more often than not
this quiet intentional not-fighting with the timing just speeds up the process
even though we now know this doesn’t actually matter
and we whisper thank you in our hearts for the superpower of
All Timing Right Timing.

* And if we have (very understandable) resistance to that superpower,
see the next section for a workaround

wait, I have to mention a sneaky workaround!

Guess what, we also apply acknowledgment and legitimacy to the moments when
the idea that this could be right timing
seems impossible: the exact opposite of what is true,
that perception too is legitimate, it is all legitimate,
that’s the point, even [frustration with acknowledgment and legitimacy]
can be met with acknowledging the legitimacy of that frustration:

yes, it *does* feel really frustrating right now!
we are allowed to feel frustrated!
it makes sense that we would feel frustrated!
it is okay to not want to apply legitimacy!
good noticing, me!

brave

This work is brave
and especially so by virtue of being
unacknowledged and unsupported,
which makes the act of choosing it counter-intuitive,
it asks us to contradict culture.

Like many things simple-and-true, this is not necessarily easy,
the practice of Acknowledgement & Legitimacy can be
enormously challenging, especially the part where we learn to embody it,
but we practice anyway…

heart

Acknowledgment & Legitimacy is at the very heart of self-fluency,
and so when I work with (play with!) fellow secret agents,
establishing this as our baseline automatic response to everything
well, this is the always the beginning of our training.

Acknowledgment & Legitimacy is how we
meet ourselves where we are, in the pain-grief-fear-numb,
or whatever it is we find ourselves experiencing,
with no agenda, just empathy, curiosity, presence, love,
and by doing this we create a refuge in time-space,
inside of which
the right-for-us answers and the indicated next steps
reveal themselves.

process

We let these inherited rules of culture,
(in the form of expectations perceived and internalized)
untangle and dissolve,
and we do this through noticing that they are there.

And the very beginning of this work of learning to embody
Acknowledgment & Legitimacy is in the noticing,
particularly in noticing where they are not,
because examples of lack are much more abundant,
and because we need to expand our awareness of why we feel
crappy about ourselves so much of the time

Haha it’s because the game is rigged, and culture is not supportive of process but we are dynamic beings who are constantly in process!

Anyway, there is lots more we could say about that,
but I want to talk about how we undo these patterns,
about the process of training

training

And so we train ourselves, slowly and steadily,
to observe culture in action,
internal and external,
we see where and how we have learned to respond to
our pain, how new and vulnerable it can feel to choose
kindness, spaciousness and permission as the alternative response,
(and that’s okay too, see what I did there?)
we notice and keep noticing so that we can
rewrite our own patterns within the bigger culture,
and (she types hopefully)
echo out new culture…

self-fluency

As secret agents devoted to the studies of
self-fluency, self-knowledge, wild self-treasuring,
part of our work is to train ourselves to catch onto this,
to pick up on these bits of culture
happening around us and inside of us,
in the language we hear and in how we speak to ourselves,
noticing all the places that Acknowledgment & Legitimacy aren’t
(aren’t welcomed, are neglected and forgotten)
as well as where they can come in,
receptive to discovering
what changes in us and in our lives when we invite them in.

observing and being observant

Can we be the observers who see culture at work,
noting the mostly-invisible pressures that push in favor of
[get past painful things and move through them],
both for the convenience of others and
as a badge of honor,
as if getting to a state of “fine with it” is the only end game,
recovery and perceived well-ness the accomplishments that are
rewarded with positivity, warmth, love, admiration and so on.

Can we see how we do this to ourselves as well,
how we want so badly to be through the process instead of in it,
and meet that with acknowledgment and legitimacy,
what a kind and loving intention inside this pattern, to desire healing,
to wish for the pain (ours and others) to subside,
to pass and ebb,
as it will when we don’t make its passing the requirement?

And: what if we can practice
the gentle art of
{presence with what is > achieving}

but/and/also

But/and/also, as people devoted to the studies self-fluency,
don’t take my word for any of this.

I am sharing bits and pieces of my perspective
both about this phenomenon of culture,
and about the approach of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy,
which for me is possibly the most important element in what we do,
the core of getting to know ourselves with love,
the basis for all the other work we do
in transforming the patterns, habits and relationships that hurt or don’t work for us,
that keep us in
real and perceived states of stuck,
but of course agreeing with me is never a prerequisite for self-fluency,
it’s not even relevant to the work:

We are all wise and thoughtful beings,
we are all capable of self-reflection,
and coming to our own conclusions.

yours

I share this concept, as everything else, with the expectation that you,
as a wise thoughtful person who interacts with life,
will examine the hypothesis yourself,
play, toss it around, reinterpret, expand on what is here,
make it your own.

And I share it while trusting that you will remember
(but oh hey, here is a reminder anyway!) that
I am not the queen-empress of self-knowledge and self-exploration,
of course you will figure out what is most right for you,
we are all just practicing
practicing and noticing,
meeting ourselves with love
or with more love than before,
as much as we can to the extent that we can
right now, in this moment,
yes?

other caveats, the usual ones

We invoke, as always, the principle of People Vary,
it might be that you personally do great with Get Over It Already,
I have a friend who likes to set grieving deadlines,
and this works for him as a practice, you know you best,
the idea here is being conscious and curious about
how we are
and what we need,
as well as how best to take care of ourselves,
while maintaining an approach of compassion, nonviolence,
inviting the kind of change that comes from love.

I have no interest in telling you how to be or perceive,
my goal/intention here is the same as always:
can we be curious compassionate explorers and investigators
of our internal and external worlds?

how do we practice being a noticer who notices

To learn about Acknowledgment & Legitimacy,
we also have to look at where it isn’t, because almost no one models this,
but luckily we can learn from the lack.

An excellent place to do this is in film/television media,
where it can be more removed and less painful
than in our immediate relationships,
and we can see how this plays out in everything from
the way people say “Aw Don’t Cry”,
like this is supposed to be considered a form of comfort (?!),
to all other forms of PUSH THROUGH IT,
but yes you will begin to notice this everywhere if you don’t already,
for example in internet memes,
overheard snippets of conversation and
inside your own head.

a top secret undertaking, aka DIY homework, if you want some!

Next time, or some time soon,
I will share some examples of what it looks like
when we practice Acknowledgment & Legitimacy in various situations,
something you’ve probably seen me do a hundred thousand times on the blog.

But for now, let’s see how many noticing we can notice
and share some here,
as a way of honing our clarity and our presence,
recognizing all the places Acknowledgment & Legitimacy can help,
as well as the ways they get lost in
the air we breathe / the water we swim in,
as well as noting ways we can change our approach
to glow more Acknowledgment and more Legitimacy,
meeting ourselves and our pain with grace and the sweetness of
presence that has no agenda.

We can bring positive examples (the category of What’s Working)
or things you wish to see change (the category of Next Time I Might…),
as well as anything useful you’ve learned or internalized on this topic
from reading Fluent Self posts over the years.

DO WE WANT MORE [BACK TO BASICS] POSTS LIKE THIS?

Excellent, because I really want to write them. And I want to share more personal process here to show this stuff in action. And if we find 108 people who want to take part in this grand experiment, I will be posting lots. More about this and other ways to take part!
xox

Come play with me (and how we play here)

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation.

Wishing for Refuge / A Refuge for Wishing

by Havi Brooks | Oct 17, 2017 | my personal practice

Door of Wishing

Paths

I am driving across North America because a bridge told me to
(more on that later)
and I am walking labyrinths in each place I pass through,
it is absolutely remarkable how many labyrinths hide in plain sight,
you might be in Cody, Wyoming, land of big sky and taciturn cowboys and not much else,
but lo and behold: a labyrinth,
waiting for you to passage to its center
and return new.

Not lost (again)

Whenever I tell people I walk labyrinths,
they always think I mean a maze, but I never mean a maze.

You can’t get lost in a labyrinth,
and I mean many things by that.

Verbs

The truth is, it isn’t so much that I walk labyrinths as I listen to them,
but I listen to them as I take the path,
so from the outside it looks like walking.

Labyrinths are always wise and often opinionated,
a bit like bridges, though not so unpredictable.

And, like the house, they always win.

You can enter the labyrinth in any state of mind,
and return calmer and steadier, altered-state,
the quieting power of the labyrinth always wins
over anything I might bring to it.

The labyrinth always wins

I like to greet a labyrinth by holding an intention in my heart,
or I drop a question inside its edges, asking for clarity,
— BUT —
it doesn’t actually matter,
the labyrinth works its wonders on me either way.

Even if I forget to practice conscious entry,
if I neglect to pause, to consider how I want to approach,
or even if I stumble in completely disoriented
from this raging heartbroken grief-state,
caught up in my ongoing internal storms of
destruction, fury, upheaval,
the vertigo of loss…

Even then

Even then, by the time I reach center,
my breath has slowed, my feet feel the ground again,
by the time I exit, my thank-you heart is full of awe,
I kiss my palms and place them on my cheeks,
remembering that I am the bell tower where
resonance lives.

I can try to forget but there it is

Yes, I can forget the yoga of
{Enter As You Wish To Be In It, Exit As You Wish To Continue}
which is the yoga of aliveness,
and still it brings me to presence,
to breath, to perspective,
and to wild self-treasuring.

Labyrinths are unfuckupable,
and this is important too,
they are more powerful than my sadness,
and anyway my internal state can change,
this is important too.

Translations.

The other day I decided that if I had a business card it would say
Labyrinth Translator!

But thinking about this also makes me the tiniest bit sad
regarding the ongoing mystery of why is this not my job,
why can I not be paid to listen to the labyrinths
and share what they tell me?

Maybe we can figure that out too.

Opening

I found myself at the opening of a labyrinth
located inside of a wildlife refuge in Willapa, Washington,
because Operation Tell Me About The Wild Life is still hilarious

It turns out, when you say yes to the Wild Life out in the wild wilds
as your wildest self who lives by instinct and breath,
guess what is needed most in order to really
go/be wild:

{refuge}

The labyrinth of what is mine

I could write all day every day on any topic and still somehow end up
circling this same theme of the relationship
between {Freedom & Sanctuary}
and how I always think it has to be either one or the other,
when actually one enhances the other,
I can be wild and held, wild and held, wild and held.

This is presence and this is devotion,
walking the labyrinth paths of my mind,
mapping the crown points,
reminding myself that I am allowed to pursue Pleasure,
reminding myself that I am allowed to desire Safety,
I am allowed to desire.

What is refuge

This topic feels intensely personal as well as extremely political,
especially given how each day (in these not particularly united states)
(and maybe wherever you are too)
feels even more terrifying and disorienting,
as we grapple with the helplessness of
too many awful situations,
so many people in dire need of sanctuary,
how do we serve, what do we focus on when everything is on fire,
and how do we take exquisite care of ourselves so as to not
burn out from
fury and fear?

I have thoughts on this too,
and, if we come up with the funds to allow for more
writing time here, I will share some concepts and
techniques from my Wild Self Treasuring in Troubled Times workshop

The ongoing prayer-wish of refuge

May everything that is mine return to me,
may I release everything else.

May all beings find safety and shelter,
may the next indicated next steps on the labyrinth path of justice
reveal themselves now.

Air

The air in Portland was thick with ash from the fires
and a favorite yoga person said
it is okay to go seek refuge
it doesn’t always have to be inside you
go, set off to the place where you can breathe

This was a good reminder for me about the superpower of
{change your place change your luck}

And I was fortunate to be able to run away and camp out on the coast,
among giant trees under that red fire moon, breathe again.

Verbs, again.

A verb for refuge: seek

Stories about direction/s and a secret mission

This summer a bridge reminded me of a vital mission I have allowed myself to forget,
and I don’t want to say that the bridge chastised me,
because that is a bit extreme, and also bridges are wise and kind,
they know about All Timing Is Right Timing,
but I will say the bridge was extremely clear that now is when this needs to happen,
this whole thing is kind of a long story — maybe for later? — but
here’s the short version: I am on the road.

This is a thing that happens to me sometimes,
places speak and I listen, these encounters have changed
the course and current of my life,
and now I am on the road.

Direction changes (two meanings)

First this 5038 mile voyage given to me by the bridge,
and then on to whatever is indicated next,
this apparently will be revealed towards the end of that number of miles,
which, okay, I mean, that sounds medium-reasonable,
certainly no less bizarre than the other times that a bridge has
firmly but lovingly given me a direction change,
that’s what this is,
a direction change.

I don’t know what this mission is about, but I don’t need to yet.

Mainly I will be walking labyrinths, following clues,
going to the places that need me, or so the bridge said.

Though it seems equally likely that I also need these places
as much as they need my presence, because this is the nature of things.

We let something go and the letting go is a gift,
and the trees release oxygen/love for us,
release and receive, receive and release,
this is how it works, like breath.

Calling on (and in) superpowers for this voyage

If you read them slowly while breathing deeply,
you might feel their sparkle, and if any appeal to you, you can fill up on them,
letting them spill over into your life,
taking as much as you like because there is plenty for everyone,
or if these don’t resonate, name your own…

What I Need When I Need It aka Beautifully Provided For
I Can See What I Have (so many meanings!)
I Remember Who I Am (and: I respect the work of staying true to what I know)
True To This Wild Heart
I Know Exactly When Less Is More and When More Is More (and can easily switch modes)
Receive The Redirection / Follow Until It Changes / The Endless Play Of Counter-Balance
SET NO PATH NEVER LOSE MY WAY
Willing To Seek Refuge (can I perceive this as an act of strength)
Breathe Into The Blind Spots / Change The Feel Of My Field / Give Myself To Breath
If it’s not full wild When-Harry-Met-Sally-Diner-Scene-Yes then let it be an easy no

Naming what is needed

I said this once, and it is still true:
It is almost impossible to convey how
oddly magical superpowers are,
so much more so than they should be,
and I am convinced that much of their power comes from
the process of naming them*

Naming is invoking, invoking is inviting, inviting is priming yourself to observe, observing leads to sparks of insight, and these sparks are our ally in embodying what was named.

* And, through naming powers, we remember first that they exist, and then that how we feel in this moment can change! We interact with a moment and change how we are inside of that moment, the moment becomes different and new, and so do we, except really we are MORE ourselves than we were before, which is the entire point of conscious transformation aka the heart of self-fluency!

Bandon

On the Oregon coast, in Bandon, truly a beautiful place,
there is someone, his name is Denny, he goes out to the beach and
creates stunning elaborate labyrinths in the sand,
they last until the tide comes in and wipes them away,
his art comes into form in order to be erased
can we breathe for the wonder and magnificence of this?

If

If the disappearance/destruction of a form can enhance
the treasuring of forms,
if a return to tabula rasa is part of both the art and the magic,
if we can appreciate the poignancy of
making something together that is more powerful than what I can make on my own,
and if the letting it go can be a part of the treasure of receiving…

Is there not something tremendous and magical in that, a powerful form of growth?

A story

Someone loved me and loved me and loved me and then
something happened and they forgot how to love me,
am I able to let this person now become the tide that
washes away the beautiful love-labyrinth that we
created together in the sand

And/or

Is loving this person the beautiful labyrinth that I traversed
in the sand until the tide came and washed it away,
too many unresolved questions here
like when is it time to let the tide be the tide
and when is the time to fight for big wild love,
to build a labyrinth of pretty stone on high ground
(sanctuary)

Here is something new:
if I do choose to let something go, I no longer agree
to let it go by turning my back the way I have before,
it is time for a new way

Pain, again.

The whole thing with the tide is that you know the tide is coming
you even know more or less when,
you know the beauty is tied to the impermanence,
a shared creation that will be washed away someday,
because everything ends,
and maybe re-form or maybe not re-form, depending, on so many things,
but what is this early tide with no explanation, what is that,
what is this storm and why can’t we walk together and talk it out.

These are the kinds of questions I take to labyrinths when
I walk them, or, it looks like I am walking them,
but really they are giving me dictation,
and reminding me to breathe into my blind spots.

Walking, again.

I want to let things change shape in the same way that I
walk my labyrinths
(or they walk me)
(they put me through my paces),
calm and steady, feeling the ground,
trusting the winding circles
to unwind my pain
and return me
to love.

Superpowers, again

I am calling on all the Bandon labyrinth superpowers regardless of what happens,
I am ready to be someone who marvels over the beauty and grace in
cycles of [love-and-loss],
and breathes for tides doing what they do,
even when there are tears involved,
I am ready to be someone who invites love in,
and builds stone labyrinths on high ground
with the people I trust to walk with me.

I am making wishes about my business.

My business and this space have been a refuge for many people over the past
nearly thirteen years,
and I am glad for that,
just as I am thankful for my magical retreat center
which also washed away with the tides

The time has come though for my business to also be a refuge for me,
and the time is here for me to share more wisdom,
as well as more concepts and techniques to
support everyone who gathers here in
growing/trusting their own wise internal wisdom and expertise
when it comes to things like finding refuge or wishing wishes
or listening
or mapping paths
or letting things go
or letting things come.

My wishes are about time and space to wish,
and community to share with,
and a plan, which actually revealed itself while writing these wishes,
so thank you, wishes and thank you, month of Wishing
(especially the beautiful Wishing superpower of Sparks & Stars!)
and thank you, community of readers who wish with me and wish-well with me,
because oh wow what beautiful wishes,
and because I feel much better for having written to-and-with you,
what treasure to be here and now.

Okay, here is the plan.

My need: raise funds to support the mission. What I am offering: I want to write posts about the principles, approach and techniques of self-fluency and share them here, along with material from my workshop on Wild Self-Treasuring In Tough Times / The Yoga of Strong Force Fields. And I can post about self-fluency in action in daily life, haha, for example things like what I do on the daily while dealing with the ongoing ptsd of this presidency.

The more funds we raise, the more often I will post.

You are invited to give whatever you like in support of the mission. Every $36 lets you submit a writing topic suggestion for consideration. Or commit to $36/month for four months in a row, aka this October month of Wishing, and the upcoming three months of Meaning, Ease and Majesty to also get an ebook collection of these essays at the end of the mission, plus maybe some unpublished pieces.

You can use the GLOWING CROWN button below to choose four monthly payments of $36 (the first today), or choose your sum for a one-time payment in support of the mission.

A page will be come soon with more intel, for now this is how you can support the mission, and get me posting more here on the blog again, something I am also looking forward to! Thank you! <3

What do I wish for in the month of Wishing

I am Fierce & Fearless
Powerful & Striking
Of The Earth & Wild
Glowing & Alive

May we unwind what needs unwinding,
breathe into our heart,
wear our crown,
love-more trust-more release-more receive-more
learn to seek-and-become refuge for ourselves,
ring more bells,
yes to life

Invitation: Communal wish space! Come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

The Grace Of

by Havi Brooks | Sep 10, 2017 | my personal practice

Door of Grace

Grief is agony

I keep learning and relearning this,
and it is hard to say what is is most painful,
the waves-on-top-of-waves of sadness, or
the way I keep sailing directly into the rage storms,
hurting and hurtling,
giving the storm the middle finger and sailing into it anyway,
watching myself, sometimes raw and sometimes numb,
sometimes in awe of this new fearlessness,
and sometimes crumpling,
whispering, always: breathe, breathe
and I do.

Grief is agony

and I am in it.

Grief is agony

I am the ship and also the sea, the tempest, the waves,
the thing that is being shaken and also the shaking,
and then oh shit how do I keep forgetting,
how do I think I’m maybe-almost-fine and then suddenly
that undertow of hurt and anger, I forget and then
there it is again,
sweeping me out to sea.

but also sweeping me out to see
because grief is its own strange form of clarity and vision
and because grief is the place where all you get to do is breathe

Grief is agony

And sometimes I say this out loud,
when I am howling at the sky,
sometimes through the windshield,
and sometimes beneath the trees,
I say HURTING THIS MUCH IS AWFUL, and then I agree with myself
YEAH BABE GOOD POINT YOU ARE RIGHT,
because it’s true, and it’s true even when we forget:

pain is real / pain is legitimate / grief is agony / this is all true if unacknowledged

and just because our culture minimizes pain and
doesn’t make space for the grieving,
hurting is hurting is hurting,
and you passage your way through in whatever way you can

Grief is agony

I don’t know what makes less sense to me,
the way it just keeps fucking hurting,
or that I am still surprised by the pain.

There isn’t really anything to say about this,
other than that it is miserable.

And that I keep being surprised by it,
even as it is essentially unsurprising.

Surprising / Unsurprising

I have some monsters about this too,
on the topic of: come on, you have been alive for forty years,
and not a chill forty years either, we’ve put a lot of miles on this ride,
this is not your first time at
The Loss & Pain Ranch or the Heartbreak Rodeo,
this is not your first encounter with
big, wild, intense disruptive emotion
or the aftermath of feeling this much.

They say, ugh this Grief Is Agony story is so boring and also
a waste, the person you left is not worthy of a single tear,
this situation does not deserve a millisecond of your attention,
this pain has no purpose,
and they are not wrong, but also they are not right.

And so we breathe and breathe and breathe,
the monsters want us to heal up and so do we,
but we will do this in our own way and our own timing,
loving ourselves with fearlessness and a wild heart,
no judgment, no rules, no agenda, no timeline,
just Love More Trust More + Set No Path Never Lose Your Way

North

Heading north I met the saddest broken Montana cowboy,
we had nothing in common
except that he was also on a heart-healing road trip,
and as you know I have a soft spot (or is that a blind spot)
when it comes to cowboys
— yeah okay well anyway back to the story —
he said you don’t understand what heartache is,
and I said oh honey I know heartache,
and he said you don’t know what it’s like
when you can’t see the road through the tears
when you have to pull over until your sight returns,
but I do know, I do know,
my sight has not yet returned
and that’s a country song right there.

Speaking of country music and broken hearts

I am of two moods, two mindsets, when it comes to
the long-gone cowboy, the one who, with my permission, hurt my heart,
these mindsets pull me to them like magnets even as they repel each other,
neither is particularly useful or sustainable but hey here they are:

“But don’t think for a second I’m out to drown your memory /
Baby you ain’t worth the whiskey”

versus

“I’m goin’ home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he’s got one
And he ain’t seen me crazy yet

For someone who doesn’t even listen to country music, I sure know a lot of lyrics

Grief is agony

I have not wanted to write this post about Grace,
because to talk about grace I have to tell you about my grief,
and I really, really don’t want to, but here I am in the grief,
and it is waking up old, other losses that still hurt,
they hurt like fire, hurt like ash, hurt like gone

the playground the ballrooms the orchards my trees my mom, the lost ring, all that is-and-has-been lost, and now this

Amplified

I try to remember that even as pain is a legitimate response to loss,
this intensity of sensation has to do with my pain being
amplified by surrounding pain,
the actual storms, the hurricanes,
the tumultuousness-fear-uncertainty of it all,
meanwhile my beautiful state of Oregon is on fire,
I spent the first ten days of this Month of Grace
wandering the coast in search of breathable air,
and of course there is so much destruction, so much beyond weather,
(nazis, deportations, really no shortage of justifiably panic-inducing things)
and so we who already feel so much
feel it all

remembering this is also a form of Apply Legitimacy, one of the most important practices I know of when it comes to self-fluency and extreme self-care

A story

I am learning how to be my wild (Wild) self,
out in the wilds of the wild wild west,
nestled in a hammock under the stars,
drinking coffee by the fire pit,
writing in the notebook where I only ask one question,
over and over again:

Tell Me About The Wild Life

Then I returned to the city for a day,
and someone told me that my magical ballroom,
the one I loved and lost,
now houses a business called The Wild Unknown.

Honest

I know that future-me will see the humor in this,
she will laugh and laugh and laugh,
and good for her,
but I am going to be agonizingly honest with you and tell you that
I am not even slightly there yet,
I am not ready to look at the flowers growing
in the place where the trees I planted burned.

Another story, a better one, this one is actually funny

I named my notebook Tell Me About The Wild Life,
and then a few hours later I met a
— WAIT FOR IT —
wildlife biologist who said he wanted to
tell me all about the wildlife.

The wild life

I had of course meant that I wanted to know about the Wild life,
the life in which I am most true to my wild heart,
but it was a good reminder
that naming wishes is complex, magical, surprising, unpredictable and
quite often frustratingly hilarious,
just like being alive.

500

Today marks 500 days on the road, and maybe it is time
for this adventure to rename itself.

The Wild life, again

The me who is at home in her Wildness,
she has wild hair and wears long glittering earrings,
she is not afraid to get in a fight,
she follows the call, the pull of what is for her,
and easily lets go of what is done,
and let us breathe gratitude for the month of Courage (August)
because asking for Courage is how I met her.

More wildlife

I saw a tiny squirrel trying to intimidate a crow,
marching behind it and then stretching tall on hind legs,
totally doing the Lurking Scooby Doo Villian maneuver,
the crow turned and glared,
the squirrel ran away as fast as it could, I laughed
and there was the grace of laughter.

Grace

Grief is agony and so I thought I didn’t know about Grace,
that maybe Grief doesn’t have room for (can’t make room for) Grace,
and that maybe I don’t even know enough to learn about grace,
maybe my hurting angry raging heart isn’t ready for grace,
but there it was.

And then grace was everywhere,
even bitter moments suddenly laced with grace,
the grace of those funny sweet small perfect moments of aliveness.

The grace of wisdom and right timing

I saw Allie and she asked how I was and she asked this
like she really wanted to know
so I said REALLY FUCKING HEARTBROKEN AND MISERABLE,
and in her wondrous Allie-way,
she happened to have a copy of the David Whyte piece on Heartbreak in her bag
and she gave it to me, here are some fragments of grace…

“HEARTBREAK is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control, of holding in our affections those who inevitably move beyond our line of sight / Heartbreak is inescapable; yet we use the word as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong / Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going”

The Grace Of All Of It

You could say that the grace was in the clues
and also the grace was in the gift,
and the grace was in her question
and hello to the grace of
my total inability to pretend I was okay in that moment,
which resulted in reading those words with new eyes.

Here’s to the Grace Of

Here’s to the grace of poetry and words,
the grace of loving intention
and the grace of clues.

Here’s to all the grace I have been missing
and the grace inside of the missing

(and, speaking of words, the relationship between
missing-and-lost, missing-and-loss)

Here’s to the Grace of a good soundtrack

The Montana cowboy wound himself up tightly inside of a story
that only existed in his head,
and decided that I must be hiding something from him
and that the something I would be most likely to be hiding
is that I’m a man, which is true but not in the way he thinks,
also transphobic bullshit which needs to die in a fire too,
this experience fortunately resolved itself safely and speedily,
and I immediately added the song I’m A Man to my Wild playlist,
mmmm a breath for the grace of Bo Diddley.

Not to mention the immense grace in recognizing that some people only exist in my life to be clues
and the thing they are a clue about is that I have a HARD NO to being around their bullshit

What else do I know about Grace

Self-fluency is my saving grace,
the skills I have to navigate these pain-states.

Observing, taking notes for later,
practicing Acknowledgement & Legitimacy
which are secret doors to self-treasuring,
also breathing, and naming what I hear, feel and see,
remembering that recognizing a pattern
is already changing the pattern,
taking exquisite care of myself,
and so on.

What else do I know about Grace

The grace of surprise joy, the grace of replenishing,
the grace of a moment of caring for someone who is in more pain than you,
the grace of caring for your own pain too,
the grace of suddenly a bridge,
the grace of sunrise,
the grace of the reverberation-circle made by the sounding of a bell,
the grace of ritual and repetition,
the grace of slowness and trusting the process,
the grace of set no path never lose your way,
the grace of oh hey there is no longer ash falling from the sky,
the grace of walking the labyrinth,
the grace of temenos (marking space for ritual, marking space with ritual)
yes, the grace of defining external space to protect the internal space,
the grace of finally-rain after months of no rain (!),
the grace of this beautiful door that is a passage,
the grace of breathing into my thank you heart

the grace of / the grace of / the grace of

The grace of superpowers

Each day I name superpowers, and it took me ten days into the month of Grace
to realize that Grace and superpowers are basically the same thing:
something I invoke-and-remember,
name-and-notice,
call-on and call-in,
there for me in my moment of need,
the magic is not only in what is named,
but in my commitment to being the namer who
names what she needs.

Interestingly, this month’s superpower is I Have What I Need,
a superpower of provision and also of
remembering that I am provided for.

p.s. I am in the process putting together a very delicious compilation of superpowers to be the next ebook, can we get very excited about this?!

What do I wish for in the month of Grace

May I reclaim and celebrate my independence,
integrate my wild self,
learn to tie knots
and untie everything else.

I want to walk with prowess and intention, crown on,
to live by Wild Self-Treasuring, and allow for
[the grace of fewer needs] to co-exist with [the grace of higher expectations].

I am the fire that I tend to
I am hearth and flame, keeper and admirer,
yes to blazing and yes to steadiness
yes to life

I am the water and the replenishing,
the emptying and the receiving,
yes to flow and yes to knowing that I am a gem and yes to shining,
yes to life