Hello, week: we are here.

It is good to be here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 410th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Being near water. Trusting my gut. Listening.

I might try…

Headphones in sooner. And/or change location sooner.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of wild into wonder, and these were the days.

Permisison to hide. I am safe and free. Learning about sanctuary. Wild and free. Full of awe and wonder. Magnificence. What do I really want.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

My way makes less sense but it’s also more fun.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Now is reminding me so much of Then, in ways that are downright eerie. A breath for remembering that really and truly now is not then.
2. Oh everything takes longer than I think and is more expensive than budgeted for. A breath for spaciousness and plenty.
3. Too many balls in the air. A breath for doing less, choosing ease, and a new metaphor.
4. The thing where people try to work through their stuff using me, instead of turning inward and figuring it out. It is so exhausting and unnecessary and it gives me migraines. A breath for peacefulness.
5. Going my own way is important, and sometimes it is also lonely. A breath.
6. I said this last week, still true. Craving sanctuary, ease, a place for me to write and take care of myself. A breath of steadiness.
7. I just want a home that is my home. A breath of trust and safe passage.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Magnificence. A breath of expansiveness.
2. A fun night of dancing in Astoria, and three private lessons with my teacher. A breath for grace and play.
3. I trusted my instincts and extended my holiday on the coast for four more days. A breath for certainty.
4. It is supposed to be 102 degrees (39 celsius) this weekend in Portland, and I am not there. A breath for escape.
5. I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. A breath of quiet trust.
6. It used to take me a very long time to remember that Shit Is Not About Me when other people are in their shit and trying to make it about me. Now it is so clear and so easy. This is their stuff, I can wish them love and luck and ease with their stuff, and I don’t have to take it on because it has nothing to do with me. A breath of presence.
7. Feeling awake, inspired, excited about adventure and possibility. A breath for the open road.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the softest drizzling rain, the best view, surprise ease, surprise playmates, surprise staircases, surprise surprises. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the power of knowing how great I am, shining a light, taking space for myself, combining wildness and wonder. And this ended up being the theme of my dance lessons with my teacher, so I got to experience this both on the dance floor and beyond. More please!

Powers I want.

The superpowers of deep rest, I want to be so well-rested and peaceful that I do not miss any internal intel about how I feel, what I need and what needs to change in my environment. And I want beautiful sweet surprises.

The Salve of The Deepest Rest and Replenishing.

When I was seventeen and eighteen, I worked in the orchards on the kibbutz, rising at 4:45am, stumbling my way to coffee and tractor, climbing trees all day. My afternoon naps were the best naps I have ever experienced, quite possibly the best naps in the world, but the Friday afternoon naps at the end of the work week surpassed them all. The most indescribably blissful healing sleep, sinking into a state of softness beyond dreaming, waking up feeling gloriously restored, vibrantly alive.

This salve is the distilled feeling of both the nap and the waking. It is made of flowering, cat-like stretching, joyful aliveness, spreading roots, drawing power from the earth.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Claw Foot Rub

Their latest album is Always Water, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

intel

I pulled a card — a stone skipping card:
what does my project wish I knew

my project whispered to me that it exists to be a sanctuary for me
it intends to both become a sanctuary and to be the process
by which I learn how sanctuary works
though mainly right now it wants me to just
stop caring about the “tasks” I think are related to the project
and instead focus on getting the feeling in my body
the feeling of sanctuary inside me
“go and learn”, it said, “come back to me once I am fully formed”

such an intriguing conundrum

do you see? in order for me to
[make/create/build/invoke] this sanctuary, to call into being
this safe space that exists for me and only for me,
I need to not be there until it is ready for me

my project said I need to
run this mission from my cockpit and not be onsite,
which makes sense on the one hand in both logical and intuitive ways, and yet
oh sudden panic at the thought of being away from
the one place that is safe space for me
and how can this be asked of me
to exit the safe house in order to learn about safety
scary stuff especially in this moment when
now feels so eerily reminiscent of Then
and yet I can also feel the rightness of it
my project is so very wise and I feel how it glows
steady love for me

what do I know about sanctuary

sanctuary is about glow and wonder and intention and deep breath
transformative space
the beautiful mystery of how it is that certain
structures and forms become a container for
transcendence and magnificence
sanctuary is about what happens in those remarkable spaces,
the spaces that allow for these moments of
containment-holds-vastness

places like the Playground
(the retreat center I tended for five beautiful years
a place of great magic and wonder)
or Astoria at the very northern tip of the Oregon coast, where I invariably receive
brilliantly clear messages about what is indicated and what is next
it is always right for me to go there and always a little frightening
which makes sense because sanctuary is about SHELTER and AWE

shelter, meet awe

shelter is the safety
awe is the wonder: tingling and trembling
and each supports the other
we come into sanctuary to feel safe
inside of big moments of Presence
it can feel so vulnerable and risky to be that present with life
sanctuary says: enter here and breathe this moment
you are held in love

more more more, tell me more

writing is Sanctuary (for me), and writing requires sanctuary
dance is Sanctuary (for me), and dance requires sanctuary
and, funnily enough,
the place I am building that is taking its sweet time coming into being
just told me it exists to be a sanctuary
for me to write and dance

peaceful place

I shared with agent spalding
how frustrating it is for me, in moments,
this current state of
[everything in my life has been in boxes since february
and I am on the move and I just want space for me]
he said: well there’s no real solution to the chaos
that’s just the nature of the adventure you set yourself on, (you know this)
what if you stop trying to solve everything and
do only what pushes you towards your place of peace

ahhhhh my place of peace

proxy mission

I need a proxy mission for what I am doing while I sojourn
during operation G.O.O.D. aka Get Out Of Dodge and find the good
because this is what is indicated
my project is inviting me to
go be in the places I need to be while my sanctuary comes into being
my own personal writing-and-righting retreat
what’s my cover story?

here it is

my fake secret mission is that I build sanctuaries
of course I do
I’m an interior designer (the most interior!)
how does this work
I sprinkle a dust that is not a dust and it
changes the light and allows people to see the holy holiness
that was already there

but also I really do this in real life
like with the playground which was a medical records facility
filled with cubicles
I saw its magic in potential
and cleared space for it to be what it wanted to be

what are the superpowers

the first step in agreeing to a mission or embarking on a voyage is
calling in the superpowers
naming them

come in, come in
superpower of writing is my sanctuary
superpower of I make sanctuaries for creative self-expression
superpower of resonance
shoulders down / trust life / breathe deep
I stay in my cockpit

what needs to change in my kingdom?

this was the next stone-skipping card I drew from the deck
prioritizing sanctuary
this is what needs to change

treating myself differently
taking myself on retreat for writing and righting
ha and Writing Retreat anagrams to Treating Writer and Rewriting Treat
it also hides the words GRANT, WANT and RAW
raw wanting is what I want
granting myself [whatever needs to be granted] is what I want

the foundation: where it changes

claire-of-the-mysteries said I need a foundation
so many delicious meanings of that word
and she is right

a foundation that is a home
a foundation that is a body of work
a Foundation to hold the work I do here and to provide my salary
so when I wish to build sanctuary, I am also wishing for a new foundation

as in dance so in life

I always have an idea of what I want to work on in my dancing
and then have to laugh at how I have fooled myself
yet again into thinking this is about technical ability,
when invariably dance is just reflecting back to me
what I most need and desire in life

three wishes with my genie of a dance teacher

jen: what three things do you want to focus on
me: feeling the floor
jen: okay let’s call that your relationship with gravity,
your ability to draw power from the ground and trust this

me: and relaxing
jen: being peaceful and at home in your body because you know
nothing can go so wrong on the dance floor as to be irreparable

me: and connecting with my partner
jen: or so connected to yourself through
awareness of your body, power and presence,
beautifully in control of what you contribute,
you can let someone experience you, because you choose to,
choosing when and how, according to what suits you

listening

me: ohmygod wow yes this is what I want how did you know
she: because we just danced together and I listened

wild into wonder

I want to access my wild fearless panther self
and wild my way into awe and wonder
I want to use wonder to channel wildness
and wild my way into wonder
and wander back into wildness

don’t acquiesce

do you know what dance is?
it is elusive magic, vulnerable intimacy, and I cannot define it but
here is a beautifully concise explanation from Brandi Tobias:

dance is filling time and space with movement

the music dictates the time
the lead suggests/reveals/envisions/sketches the space
and the follow decorates that space through choosing how to move
I am currently working on following which means
if my partner is the architect, I am the interior designer
Jen said yesterday that all my dance challenges come from
not trusting my design skills

she said: don’t second-guess your instincts
don’t acquiesce
don’t let someone else tell you how to dance your dance
or how to fill and decorate space
this is your domain and you need to know
that no one else in the world can do it like you can

back to the playground

most people don’t know this
(I feel as though I am whispering a secret here!)
but my business is actually about space
the sweet inhale-exhale relationship between internal and external space
and how anything you shift in one
creates a rippling effect through the other

I teach this (through intentionally-not-teaching)
in a variety of ways, for example, through
modeling my own process here
reflecting on my week, exposing-and-exploring wishes and wish-seeds
I write these posts so anyone can come here and get a sense
for how I approach the space of my life,
how I interact with the space around me and the spaces inside of me,
not because my way is the right way, but as one possible example of how to do this

not like anything else

I live the mission of my business through designing
peaceful other-worldly spaces that are not like anything else
both online and in real life
places imbued with safety and sovereignty and spaciousness to just be
I create spaces that are quiet, contained, magical enough and different enough
for us to turn inward and hear-and-feel ourselves
what we need, what we desire, with beautiful clarity,
so that we can take care of ourselves
in this moment now

there it is

so apparently I already am someone who builds sanctuaries
and I just didn’t know it
Jen was right: I don’t need to become a decorator
or learn to be a better one,
I need to give myself permission to be completely at ease in my job,
sure of my ability to play

what do I know about my wishes this week

if it is true that I already have what I want
and do not know it
(like how I already know how to make sanctuary because it’s my job, I just forgot!)
then my wishes are not to have or receive anything
but to reveal how what I want is already here
in seed or in essence, in quality or in spirit
and maybe also just here
what if what I need most is available to me

so this is a wish to
see what I am tripping over
and remember truth:
wonder is here if and when I want it
wonder and awe and magnificence
and my most wild peaceful at-ease-in-this-moment self

now

I am in astoria and it feels so good to be back here
and my whole body was saying no no no please no don’t go back to portland
stay here four more days
and all the signs were lining up to agree with my yes
— a prediction of 102 degrees in portland sunday (39 celsius!)
but 75 (24) here where the columbia river meets the pacific ocean

but still I wanted to logic my way into a decision
and weigh all the pros and cons
instead of listening to the decision
that had already been received

this is the superpower of hearing-and-receiving the next indicated step
so you can imagine how hard I laughed when I looked up
this month’s superpower
because guess what it is….

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence

June is WONDER which is so very perfect for a mission about Sanctuary, and hahaha the next indicated step is revealed to me, yes yes yes, this is all I need and this is right

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called boundaries and bells …

this wish is helping me listen to my yes and trust life more

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

It’s a Sunday chicken this time because this week was tough and weird, and also I thought yesterday was Friday. Glad to be here now, and glad you are here too.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 409th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Inquiring about the superpowers.

For example, here are some of superpowers of the Chicken:

I speak my truth / grounded and present / sense of humor intact / trust in right timing / ritual invites holiness / the magic of naming what is / reflection is powerful stuff / I am open to learning something new

I might try…

I want to remember how hard travel is on my body, and in less visible ways, and to plan my recovery with the same attention to detail I give to booking flights.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of boundaries and bells, and these were the days.

Bell of the bells. Crown on, crown on. I am spectacular. I take space for myself. I take in life. It’s a good day. What needs to change in my kingdom.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

She Needs To Go Hide Now. The Havi Brooks story.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Everything about traveling was the worst. And then I thought things would get better once I was done traveling but recovery was rough. Bouts of what my friend the arborist calls “visiting Spain”, where Spain = S Pain, and the S is for severe. And then sometimes the invisible kinds of S-pain like Energy Spain, Emotional Spain, Mental Spain. A breath for rest, and, if we’re already in Spain, making time for tapas and sangria.
2. My mother used to say she found Oregon “claustrophobic”, because of the mountains. I always thought it was so interesting/bizarre how she didn’t see that the claustrophobia was probably just being around her domineering energy-vampire of a mother-in-law. But now I do the same thing with Michigan. As soon as I’m there, the sluggish zero energy sludge takes over and I’m convinced it’s hard to breathe there, as if it’s Denver and a mile in the air, when of course the reason I can’t get oxygen is being in close proximity to the locations of awful experiences from my past. No wonder my body translates this as something wrong with the air. A breath of compassion and healing.
3. I missed my mom so much this week, so many tears, a breath for life.
4. On the theme of hard to breathe: this week’s mission was continued de-cobwebbing, grime-removal and painting in the basement, and my lungs did not like this and basically said WE QUIT, which was ultimately a very useful experience (I listened to my body and all was well), but I really had to experience the pain of this to understand. A breath for me.
5. The beautiful boy left again. Which, I mean, a) how am I not used to these goodbyes yet and the aching longing they bring, and b) it was right there on the schedule so it’s not like it was a surprise. Speaking of things that take my breath away: a breath for this.
6. Craving sanctuary, ease, a place for me to write and take care of myself. A breath of steadiness.
7. I just want a home that is my home. A breath of trust and safe passage.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. The beautiful faraway cowboy flew to Detroit for four days to be with me at my brother’s wedding, which is pretty much the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, and I cannot even imagine how I would have made it through that intense weekend without his warmth and sweetness. A breath of thankfulness.
2. Heart of wild sweetness. A breath for spilling over with love.
3. While not everyone appreciates what it means when I prioritize [extreme self-care and preserving my energy] over social interactions, so many people in my life have been wonderfully understanding about my choices and boundaries, including people I don’t necessarily expect to be able to do this like my dad, or friends I grew up with. That was a beautiful thing to experience, and I feel so grateful. A breath for this.
4. My dance teacher was in town and I booked a two hour private lesson and oh wow, something that I’ve only ever understood conceptually actually landed in my body, and I am so excited about this. A breath for dance, which is the most mystical, transcendent, transformative form of communication that I know of.
5. I have been trying to do everything myself and suddenly realized that I don’t need to, and now I feel better. A breath of sweet trust.
6. All week long I have been skipping stones, and receiving so much useful intel and encouragement from incoming me and my wise project. A breath of release.
7. The last time I was between-homes was one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced, and this time I am on a Grand Adventure. A breath for finally getting that now is not then, and experiencing the healing magic of do-overs.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the guest room at Agent Emdee’s, Agent Spalding who always cheers me up, an entire week of my hair looking amazing, non-metaphorical sandwiches, pickles on the side. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the power of being glowingly unapologetic about the fullness and richness of who I am. And to be honest, that felt like a reach, even beyond just how weird it is to ask for a superpower. But in retrospect, I had many moments of this, and it felt amazing and I want more!

Powers I want.

The superpowers of knowing how great I am, shining a light, taking space for myself, combining wildness and wonder.

The Salve of Glowingly Unapologetic about the Fullness and Richness of Me.

This salve is like the sensory version of a mantra, cycling through the bloodstream, repeating its own name until its essence becomes the stream, and everything else is called into support of this truth.

When I wear this salve, my bell essence — my suchness — is in full flower, and is welcomed with love, because this is what I expect, and anyone who can’t meet me with acceptance and joy doesn’t get to be in my life, ta da, and suddenly this is easy because it is clear and it is simple and it just is.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes from Agent Ravenstar:

Averse To Choreography

Their latest album is Where All The Cute Boys And Girls Hang Out, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

here, now

some weeks I almost cannot bear to sit down and
hear my wishes
never mind write them down
because I feel so much and such passionate intensity
that I can’t even approach

afraid to pull on one thread
and see just how much there is to my desire
so maybe this is also a wish about that
in addition to being about
boundaries and bells

Jen

Jen is the only person who can tell me
to relax

or really,
Jen is the only person who can say it with the result that
I will in fact relax
and not want to punch her in the face

she says it about thirty seven times per song
when we dance together in our lessons
and for the longest time I couldn’t tell the difference
between relaxed-me and not-relaxed-me
I couldn’t tell how she knew
but now I feel when she says it

I feel

I feel how I have tensed up without meaning to and am clinging
and I feel how it feels to not be doing that
and I feel how it feels to
trust that one day I will feel all this before
she needs to point it out to me

what happens when I relax

shoulders drop
I feel more grounded
Jen says that she sees me soften but in that softening I have
more power and more strength
I am suddenly aware of the ways in which I was not relaxed
oh and my dancing gets better and also I’m smiling

the superpower of shoulders down

last week I rented studio space to practice for two hours
this might sound like lot of physical exertion
but 90% of dance is taking one step or maybe two
then squinting into a mirror or staring into space
trying to figure out what felt off

my two hours alone with the mirror didn’t help with
any of the things I thought I was there to work on
but it gave me one very key piece of information:
when I let myself drop my shoulders
(an act of releasing effort, not of more effort)
anything I do looks better
even if I’m still doing it “wrong”
it still seems more authoritative,
confident, graceful, powerful, intentional

I can’t currently afford to rent studio time as often as I’d like
and my basement still isn’t ready for use
but I can whisper to myself a thousand times a day
hey my love how about shoulders down
and that is my practice for dance/life

rigging

one of the ways in which the rigged game is so very rigged
is that our culture has no built-in mechanisms for
pausing-and-reflecting

we are constantly encountering
unexpected or uncomfortable moments,
because life is full of these,
and we don’t have space to receive them, process them, figure out how we feel,
to let the moment land and let ourselves land in the moment

there is no agreed-upon word or hand-gesture to use
with friends and strangers alike
something that might mean
“I need to take a minute here to absorb what just happened”
or maybe “I am gathering myself and my thoughts”

windows

on the plane to Detroit someone took my window seat
his was supposed to be the window seat on the opposite side
I shrugged and sat in the seat that should have been his
and then ended up on the receiving end of
unwanted attention and touching from the creep behind me
who of course denied it, in the tradition of creeps everywhere

I Am Okay and Nothing Is Wrong and I was brave
and tough and established boundaries and moved seats but also I wonder…

possibilities

if some shared signal or ritual existed, if
taking a moment was universally acknowledged as healthy and okay
or if I made this my choice anyway
and stopped to reflect instead of just acquiescing
because social conditioning says don’t make a fuss
what could have happened instead

(1) I might have remembered something
when past-me chose my seat several months ago,
she specifically requested advice from Wisest Me, who
unhesitatingly said to take the window on the right side of the plane,
after which I might have taken a breath and
asked the guy to exit my seat,
letting go of the worry of
What If This Complete Stranger Thinks I’m Being Petty And Fussy And Entitled….

(2) I might have noticed the tightness
in my chest and the perceived need to hurry,
the flight attendant urging everyone to take their seats,
and perhaps also noticing the no
my body was giving me about the new seat,
respecting it without needing to know why it was a no….

all roads lead to…

my guess is that in all imagined situations
I would have had to stand up for myself to some degree
whether over seat-assignment
(when cultural conditioning says why can’t you just be accommodating)
or with the creep behind me
(when cultural conditioning says don’t make trouble)
or who knows, but I would have had to take a stand over something
all roads lead to boundary-setting
or to whatever my current life theme might be
and this is mine

there is no pass that lets me
skip this level of the video game
I am here to learn how to
take up space in this world
stand up for myself
layer on experiences of safety
claim space for myself
claim time for myself to get quiet and listen
(so that I can hear what I already know)
to trust my instincts harder than I ever have before
and not put up with bullshit

full-body no

it is the full-body no that wakes me in dark pre-morning hours
the full-body no that tells me
I need to back out of the thing I said yes to
because I don’t have the capacity
or there’s weird energy from someone
or maybe it just wasn’t my yes to begin with

it is the no that I would know
in the moment
if I took a moment
if I remembered that it is okay for me to take a moment
to reconnect with myself and my desires
drop shoulders (again)
breathe
be here now

again

my favorite part of a guided yoga meditation on my phone
is when the instructor suggests that I relax my jaw

I do and then she says “good, now relax your jaw again” and I laugh
every single time
even though I know it’s coming
because I never really relax the first time
it was just the beginning of letting go
and there is always more
more to soften, more to release, more ease
if I take a moment to get there

I want to drop my shoulders and then drop my shoulders again
I want to take a moment to breathe and then take a moment again
I want to say my no, and then say my no again
(whether to the same thing or to something else)

let this be my normal

I want this sweetness to become normal, habitual
granted to myself with generosity
of course there’s time to relax my jaw and relax my jaw again
of course there’s time to find out if the thing I thought was my yes is still my yes

thinking about small (in this sense)

I told Jen that instead of working on dance I have been
just relaxing my shoulders as I go through life
and she said,
“all the time you spend focusing on fine points —
whether you are in the studio or not, in front of a mirror or not,
thinking of it as dancing or not,
this makes all the difference in the big picture
and anyway slow and steady will serve your other projects as well
if you can trust the process
so relax”

she thinks she’s my dance teacher but really she’s my
relax about life teacher

thinking about small (in another sense)

oh the accumulated micro-aggressions, or unbridled jackassery
I shrug away each one because it’s just a drop
until the cup is too full
and I am suddenly hyperventilating in the bathroom and don’t know why

this is so important!
these not-okay moments that we are supposed to see as small are not small
these body-no moments are not small
these ignoring-my-no moments are not small
we are told that we should just let them roll off
but they have a residue
small adds up
small is not small at all

a conversation with my wishes

I had so much trouble writing about these wishes
so I asked them to tell me what they wanted me to know
and they said Trust Life More

then they told me that I am still really sad about
my mom and I need to let that be okay
my wishes said:
it is okay to be in big grief
you are just in a culture where there is no room for this
there is no model for what it even looks like to make/take room for this
and this is also related to boundaries because
when there is this big mismatch between culture and actual needs,
it is revolutionary for you to tend to your needs first
so tend to your needs first

they said:
cry, find a supportive environment,
eat food that feels good to you,
and please trust that when-and-how you write these wishes is correct

first detroit epiphany

the trick to not being overwhelmed is Presence
the trick to Presence is pausing and taking a breath
the trick to remembering I’m allowed to do that is Sovereignty
the trick to Sovereignty is boundaries
the trick to boundaries is being willing to say Hey I Feel Uncomfortable
the trick to being willing to say that
(other than knowing the cost of not saying it)
is practice practice practice practice

second detroit epiphany

turn up not on
in other words
when my boundaries and force field and panther grace are
already in play, I just need to turn up the volume
but if I forget they exist until I need them
then it’s begin again from zero
when I’m already exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed, scared, disconnected
time to begin from light
which means

relax my jaw, relax my jaw again
pause and breathe, pause and breathe again
drop shoulders
stand in my power
glow

what do I know about my wish

being a bell (resonant, clear, cutting through space) creates a beautiful boundary
and it is also beautiful boundaries that preserve my bell-ness

in order to ring at maximum bell state
there are conditions that need to be in place
and that is what this wish is about, I think,
being someone who prioritizes those conditions so greatly
that I will not compromise them
being at my most resonant is both the kindest thing I can do for myself
and a great service to the world
I would like to remember this
even if it requires repeating it to myself several thousand times a day
until eventually I just live it

now

I texted Sarah about how I want her to
teach me cha cha as if I didn’t know cha cha and
as if she didn’t want me to know that she was teaching me cha cha
like, how would she go about tricking me into acquiring
the presence and body awareness required
to excel at cha cha?
but really when I said cha cha I meant being a panther
and then an hour later I was at the grocery store
staring intently at a jar of olive spread with a goddess on it
when someone whispered in my ear
“the answer is yes”
and it was her
(Sarah, not the goddess from the jar)
and then she hugged me and ran away
and this really happened
which is to say
this is a small sweet funny world that we live in
and why not believe in big joy and magic

the superpower of sexy fearless powerful presence

this month is WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

I have been wilding hard, and this is right

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called who shines the light of this fierce independence …

and hahahaha it was about boundaries and so many other things
I also got to be the Divorced Almost Forty Year Year Old
modeling joyful life at the wedding
which is important
I am shining the light of this fierce independence anywhere I can
in me and through me and into all the dimly lit spaces
and the unknown

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 408th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Setting up my day in terms of Truth and Video Game. This is what I usually call playing in the soft versus working in the hard.

For example, my video game list might include things like “write check to M, get provisions from grocery store, urgent laundry situation, ask person X about thing Y…”

And my truth list is more like “today I want to shimmer and spark, I am practicing wearing the cloak of someone who deeply trusts life, there is plenty of time for what is most important…”

I might try…

I want to remember to keep asking my project what it wants me to know for now, so that I don’t get overwhelmed by all the possible things I could be working on.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of Fierce Independence, and here were the days:

Awake = freedom. Ready to trust life. What is simple. Where ease meets joy. Plenty of time. I hold the light (because I am the light). Clean and clear.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Setting boundaries is my cardio. The Havi Brooks story.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. My body had so much trouble on a hike. The visiting faraway beautiful cowboy, who always likes to get to the top of a high thing as fast as possible, suggested we climb Hamilton mountain, on the Washington side of the Columbia Gorge. I like pretty views and outdoors and waterfalls and long walks, and I appreciated that he chose something he thought I could do. But then my body just could not do it, and I was tired and kept getting dizzy, and had to sit on the ground and rest literally every five minutes if not more often than that. And oh the agonizing self-judgement and shame that accompanied this even though my body is my body and my only job in life is to meet it where it is with love, and this has been my primary focus for the past eleven years, but guess what, there is a lot of rigging in the rigged game, and so I felt shame about my body for being my body. A breath of love for me in that moment.
2. It is incredible how quickly the monster-brigade of self-criticism and comparison can take over the brain in a moment like that. I felt bitterly envious of everyone who blew past us on the trail while I rested and rested and rested some more. Envious of their strong, capable twenty year old legs and their lack of cellulite and their good moods and their ability to keep going. I needed REASONS for why my body couldn’t do what I thought it “should” be able to do, instead of being amazed by what it can do, and does, for me, in every moment of the day. (“Maybe it’s the 90 degree heat, maybe the bottle of wine we drank the night before since I hardly ever drink, maybe-probably iron deficiency again, maybe Some Horrible Reason Of Doom And I’m Probably About To Keel Over And Die Right Now, etc.”) I forgot truth. Truth says I don’t ever need a reason to go at the pace that I need to go, and this body that houses me is a miracle, all the time. Sometimes it’s like my whole system just disconnects from truth. So let’s have a breath of compassion and a breath of truth, I am okay whether I remember this or not, and not remembering it sometimes is also okay because it’s very understandable and part of the process of remembering.
3. Three and a half days with the beautiful cowboy (aka Operation Field Work) went by way too fast. A breath for wanting more when I can’t have more.
4. A spell was broken and I didn’t want it to break. A breath for this.
5. Creep on plane thought he could get away with inappropriate touching, and then of course denied it, and I insisted on moving seats. Also had to repeatedly explain this week about how invisible limitations work, and identify to people what is not possible for me to do even though from the outside it looks as though I could and just don’t want to. A breath for powerful boundaries and radiant presence.
6. It is extra hard right now to take good care of myself and also get anything done and so many important time-sensitive (work and personal) keep getting lost in the shuffle. I mean, the game is rigged anyway, so doing all this is basically impossible to begin with, but when you are between homes and on the move and you have nowhere to really land and all your stuff is always somewhere else, this is extra-extra-extra challenging. A breath of steadiness.
7. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. This week was filled with many beautiful joyful things, and I will start with this: I made it to the top of the mountain, despite blisters and being about to keel over the whole way! Monsters say this is really nothing to be impressed about but I am going to be impressed with myself anyway. It was indeed spectacularly beautiful. The way back down was blessed with ease: no people in sight, and a lovely cool breeze on the other side of the mountain. Then outrageously delicious tacos at Walking Man, and a baptismal dunking in a swimming hole in the bracingly cold Washougal river before the sun went down, then snuggling into our treehouse lair with great joy, and peaceful happy hearts. A breath.
2. Big wild sweetness, intensity and closeness. A breath for joy and magic.
3. So proud and grateful about The Toast acknowledging the rigged game bullshit that is creating something amazing but having to carry it yourself. Extraordinary community is quite possibly the most exciting thing in the world, and constant [work + raising of funds] is not sustainable, and there doesn’t seem to be a good way to have solve this but how can we solve it when no one brings up how broken this is? Very few people talk about this openly and honestly, and I brim over with appreciation for The Toast: for what was, and how beautiful it was, and for ending it in right timing with this big honesty. A breath of gratitude and saying thank you because it’s the right thing to say.
4. A spell was broken and now I am free. I thought the answer to what was hurting would be “trust more” but it was actually more like “trust more and care less”, which maybe isn’t all that helpful except then I magically was able live that. A breath for new beginnings.
5. After not dancing or practicing for most of the month, I rented an actual dance studio for two hours like an actual dancer and DANCED. It was amazing. Then two private lessons with my teacher who was in town, and she saw big improvement and we had a breakthrough, so maybe time off has been good for me. Waltz brunch was glorious. Live band. Dance floor was so crowded that dancing became an adventure in deep trust and intimacy, because you just had to believe your partner was going to whisk you through the crowd, like whirling between raindrops without getting wet. Big magic. A breath for movement.
6. I said what I needed (which is brave!) and got what I wanted (which is a cool bonus!) and felt peaceful and relieved about standing up for myself. Rewriting old patterns. A breath of appreciation.
7. Going through this big intense time in my life and most of the time not falling apart about this, and I don’t even know how to explain what a big deal this is. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for being able to access my adventurous spirit when I need it most
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a wild affair, a perfect midnight meal at the Fleetwood, people in my life who understand, the best smiles, trusting life. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for power of trusting life, immediately forgot about that, and then it was the theme of my week. It’s a good one.

Powers I want.

The superpower of being glowingly unapologetic about the fullness and richness of who I am.

The Salve of Appreciation.

This salve smells delicious and reminds me to breathe. When I wear it, I notice what is beautiful to me and smile at it, and I make small adjustments in my environment (external and also internal) so that there is even more that invites me to smile.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes from my brother, who is also the most considerate person I know and makes all of his plans in service of…

Maximum Doom Avoidance

Obviously they’re a metal band and their latest album is Fuck You I Am Not A Touch Screen, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!