bubbling

all week long I have been bubbling a wish
a continuation of last week’s beautiful wish
and I can’t write about it
it’s too fresh and I am too passionate
I mean, I am just the right amount of passionate
but it isn’t yet ready to come into words
there is a passage required, a crossing through,
from wish-into-words
and so all I can do is trust more
and receive the gift of knowing that my wish wants more time
to self-express

echoing

and so how very appropriate that my wish this week
is about passages,
not just the passage from desire into words
from heart-knowing into spoken and acknowledged
but also from the Day of Leap into the new year
yes, I begin my year when february opens into march
extra-sweet when there is a hidden day as I cross through

I began my year by skipping stones
asking questions and letting them echo through the water
for this year of echoing and reverberating

maps and passages

this past weekend I entered my first dance competition
something that has scared me for years
I did it through imagining I was on a secret mission to Monaco
to retrieve some lost jewels
and while in Monaco, I would try my hand at gambling in the casino
even though I’ve been so convinced that gambling is something
I wouldn’t enjoy and would never be good at

this story became my map

when I got caught up in the results
I could remind myself that no, I’m just gambling to have fun
and for the experience of becoming someone who isn’t
intimidated by walking into a glamorous casino in Monaco
and all of this is secondary to the actual mission
and don’t I look amazing in my emerald green gown
I belong here with my gambling chips and champagne
this is not outside of my skill sets and experience

when I felt heart pangs of indignant outrage
when the winner at the blackjack table
was the pretty young thing with none of my hard-earned skills
I could remember that of course the house always wins
and anyway I was not there to win or to lose but to play
and to give a convincing impression of someone who is at home
at a casino in Monaco
which I did
so I win

jewels

plus I got all the jewels I came for and then some:

Presence, Play, Experience, Courage, Calm, Excitement, Practice

not to mention my ability to slide
into the arms of a total stranger on the dark
dance floor at 4am and share the most
connected, creative, playful, wildly magical dance that
smolders and burns because two dancers and a dance well shared
is absolutely transcendent
and this is something the winner of the blackjack round
doesn’t have the skills to experience yet

and one day I will also reveal the jewels of Graciousness and Laughter
I will know what it is like to be gracious and laugh about this
until then I have my beautiful story to be my map
and guide me back onto the right trail

peak moment

the other day I was at peak resentment
not about monaco, about something else
I said to myself, okay we’ve hit peak resentment
and somehow in that moment, the phrase struck me as the funniest possible
way to describe an emotion
if I’m at Peak Resentment, that’s a mountain top, clearly,
and so it stands to reason that I have the best view and therefore can
see where I want to go

where do I want to go from this peak, I asked
mapping out the landscape
pen on paper
until it became clear that the place I most wanted to be was
Appreciation Parks
the route was clear
I only had to walk it
so I did

passage

I went outside and walked it out
going from where I was (Clarity)
to where I wanted to be (Appreciation)
and that was exactly where I ended up,
even appreciative of the resentment,
because that was what brought me to the view

it’s the moment of knowing what isn’t working
and giving myself room to not like it
that lets me wonder what would be better
and head in that direction

here, now

I am moving out of my home
where I have lived for the past seven years
this is right, and also,
this is painful and difficult
this is beyond painful and difficult
as I don’t yet know where to
and this period of not-quite and in-between and
living out of a bag
is reminding me hard of the very worst part of my life
which I don’t like to talk about
because it was really, really bad

and even though Now Is Not Then
(and may we all have the superpower of remembering this)
now is reminding me of then in so many ways,
challenging me to stay present and trusting

what is true

here are two things people say that are so very true and yet not exactly true
(1) the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek
said, if not in those exact words, by joseph campbell
and (2) beyond fear is freedom
said by I don’t know, probably internet life coaches or something

as you know I am a big believer in asking
what is true and what is also true
it is very true that freedom is exactly what waits on the other side of fear
and it is very true that meeting a fear shows you the jewels it contains

what is also true?

this:

you are not required to take the direct route

you can go around fear
for example this is what I did when I used the game of Monaco
to dissolve both my fear of competition and my fear of being afraid

color schemes

sure, maybe the cave needs to be entered
but not necessarily alone and also sometimes it just needs to be remodeled first
and since we are the interior decorators of our interior spaces
we can make the cave a safe beautiful place to visit before we get there
by getting curious
asking questions
choosing Safety First
bringing along allies
and coming up with a color palette

there are so many ways around fear instead of through
worth repeating:
THERE IS NO RULE THAT WE HAVE TO TAKE THE DIRECT ROUTE!
and the best way to sneak past fear and dissolve it without being in it
is play

so how am I going to do this with my biggest fear in my own life
that I might relive the [truly awful things from then]
because I have no home again
what do I need from/for this cave to create safety before I enter
to transform it before I enter
let’s start with light
and with lightness and light-heartedness

leverage

I love the television show Leverage
it is a bit cartoon-like and maybe not exactly the most polished acting
and I love it
there is always a mission, that involves some kind of long con and cover stories
and taking on roles and undergoing wild risks
and it’s not actually scary because you know
that none of the good guys will ever actually get hurt
my favorite part is that they say
“oh, we operate under an entirely different income stream”
which is actually another part of the wish I am not wishing yet

what if I am not someone in the process of facing their biggest fear
in the form of reliving something very similar to the worst thing
that every happened to them

what if I am a character on Leverage
what if I’m the new member of the team
and this next however-long period of transition and in-between
is my role for the mission
I’m not in it, I’m acting it
I’m not even acting it, I’m acting the part of someone acting the part

see?

around fear is freedom too
to hell with going through if you don’t have to

getting in character

what is my character like?
on leverage, each character has a skill and a weakness
parker is an accomplished thief who can
steal anything but she loses her mind
any time children are involved because she can’t not identify with them
while sophie devereaux is a terrible actress who is an amazing actress when
she’s playing a role in a con

so who am I?
obviously my skills are writing and dancing
and my weakness is that home is very important to me
after what happened to me

let’s say that my mission involves acting like someone who doesn’t have a home
but of course I will still have safe houses
and once the mission is over in a couple months, I will have a marvelous very tiny
sweet safe home that is all mine and just for me

what will help me get into character
without compromising the mission

I need a new map

maybe this map tells me more about the character I’m playing
maybe this map tells me more about my safe houses
maybe this map shows me the set-up of the cave
so I can start decorating it now

it’s my map and it lives inside of me
so I can learn everything there is to know about it
through asking questions and skipping stones
getting quiet, getting curious, being receptive to truth

what is special about this map

ah of course
this is the month of Lusciousness
and my experience of [homelessness] was basically the opposite of that
I was cold, hungry, tired
very, very thin and very, very scared
but now-me still has the ability to infuse this mission with all things luscious
I work for the Leverage team, and we have resources
even better, there’s a team that has my back
so I don’t have to get by on my skills alone

let’s make this mission luscious
let’s make sure there is good food
and plentiful rest
good music, late-night dancing, things that deliver joy
flowers, of course

let’s commit to pleasure

let’s commit to wild adventuring
in a way that feels good at all times
and if it doesn’t feel good, add more pleasure
sweeten with honey
walk the map
touch the jewels
breathe deeper
add more light
glow

what do I know about my wish this week

it is time for this mission
even though it scares me
because it scares me
and actaully making scary things less scary is my job
so I can do this

now

listening to a song I like, and half-choreographing in my head
dancer-me and writer-me playing at the same time

superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now

ANNOUNCEMENT!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
— PASSWORD: sweetdoors —
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week, they’re amazing!
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too…

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish called true currency…

this wish launched a plan I never would have thought of otherwise
and helped remind me of what is most important

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 396th week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Changing the metaphor in order to ease my painful anxiety about entering a dance competition. I’m in Monaco on a wild caper to recover the jewels, and when in Monaco, one might as well gamble at the fabulous casino…

It’s just part of the gig, it doesn’t actually matter if I win or lose, only that I act like I belong there. Whatever the results of my evening of gambling, it all supports my mission. The comp is not the point, it’s just part of my cover story.

This is the best!
Today, for example, I bribed Lady Ellerton’s secretary to put me on the guest list at the party at the Ellerton mansion (translation: I paid the entry fee to a dance convention), then explored the casino in Monaco (the hotel where the competitions are taking place), and even attended a three hour seminar on how to maintain a good poker face (or what judges look for in comps, which is actually kind of the same thing).

I also acquired my chips (registered for my first two competitions!), so this weekend I shall be gambling (competing) in a glamorous casino (not a casino), looking smashing, not giving a fig about how I do, because I’m there to enjoy myself!

And now I’m suddenly and miraculously not stressed out about competing. Play is healing, and changing the metaphor is so liberating and I am a genius, the end!

Next time I might…

Remember that the national Day of Uncontrollable Sobbing — which I celebrated correctly — very often coincides with four days before moon time.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of true currency, and here were the days:

Outrageous self-love. Beautiful day. Wild and serene. Sanctuary is mine. A day for me and my yes. All smiles. Gambling in Monaco.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

We’re Over Here Now, Turn The Page.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. More mystery injuries and mystery scratches. A breath for this.
2. Got followed on the street by a catcaller, for two blocks. I’m a woman, so it’s not like this is the first time some creep has followed me, but this was different because it was on my street. It was only 7pm but pitch dark, and I was so discombobulated that I panicked and disassociated and ended up running to a neighbor’s house, after which I somehow made it to a nearby shop where I texted my former housemate to come get me and drive me the few blocks home. A breath for safety first, and for grounding. And for the quiet revolution.
3. Knowing that this person knows where I live (he saw me exit my house) freaked me out to no end, and for several days I was on edge and not able to fall asleep for ages. A breath for these…. what should we call this, side effects of misogyny and patriarchy? For these terror symptoms and for what they point to. And a breath for healing.
4. So as you know, I am leaving my home, and what’s next is a mystery. I had two good possible plans for where I might spend March, neither was 120% yes or even close, but both were perfectly acceptable, and then both fell through on the same day, within hours of each other. Wise quiet me knows that this is all for the best and these are the right doors to be closing so that I can see the ones that need opening. But me who has had the rug pulled out from under her so many times was, while not remotely surprised, reminded of old pain. A breath for trust, clear seeing, true yes, All Is Well and Now Is Not Then.
5. Two people dear to my heart misunderstood me this week in such profound ways, and both had been carrying around a false story about me for weeks without bringing it up, so that it became embedded as truth in their minds, with no way for me to offer another side. This was very painful, and also whoa entirely new layers of my stuff about being misread, and the ensuing IMPENDING DOOM that my monsters are convinced is imminent. A breath for me from then, a breath for me from now, a breath for truth, a breath for my light and my steadfast loving heart, may they be seen and appreciated.
6. Perhaps not entirely unrelated to the above but 94% related to an obscenely painful bout of PMS, this week featured two days of overwhelming rage at everything, followed up by two days of intense grief and crying my eyes out. And I don’t mean just tears. I mean Desperate Sobbing and everyone at the diner looking awkwardly at the ceiling because my grief was so all-consuming and messy and uncomfortable. Among the many, many things that had me sobbing include: the bar kokhba rebellion, yes, even though it was two thousand years ago, I’m still upset about it. Also that if Hillary Clinton were a man, everyone would be say, “okay sure, he’s a thousand times more qualified, more presidential, more talented, more capable, more everything than anyone else, so this thing is over”, but instead I have to listen to otherwise intelligent people saying they won’t vote at all if she gets the nomination. I’m going to stop here, because it was a long list, let’s just say everything made me cry. A breath for permission to grieve whatever my body needs to grieve.
7. So many times I can’t even hear my yes because too many monsters, and then I just make monster-fueled decisions, and here’s an example of how this turns out: I won’t pay $25 for a cab ride, when I can just take public transit, and what would have been a fifteen minute ride turns into a two hour debacle, during which AT ANY POINT I would have paid $25 to just get out of that situation. For example while stranded on a non-moving train with twenty screechy cheerleaders and their moms, all with matching side ponytails. Or while waiting in the pouring rain for a bus that was twenty five minutes late and still fourteen minutes away. Not only would I have paid the $25, I would have paid to buy an actual car, drive home, and then later drive it off a cliff because to hell with cars. In the moment it seemed like a reasonable plan. The point is, this all happened because instead of getting quiet and tuning in to my yes, I let my monstering determine my course of action. A breath for hey maybe this time I will learn this lesson well enough to not repeat it, and a breath for compassion, because rewriting the rigging is hard work.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Playing the “find eight good things” game at the afterparty all week. Appreciation-breath.
2. Metaphor magic! I have gone from TERRIFIED of competing (just yesterday) to actively excited and looking forward to it because I’m going to destroy it out there at the blackjack table by having the time of my life, and it is going to be awesome, whether that is acknowledged by the outside world or not. A breath for speedy transformation, and for the beautiful healing that comes from play, and acknowledging the power of words.
3. We finally got the house ready to show and posted the ad for the house! May we find the most wonderful renters in the world, amen. A breath of thankfulness.
4. And miraculously, I am not falling apart even though I still have zero idea where I’m going to live or any details about anything, and I’m not worrying, which is the superpower — the superpower of I Have Forgotten How To Worry — that I’ve been asking for all these weeks. A breath for things can change faster than you think, and for being receptive to perfect simple solutions.
5. Dancing up a storm. Last weekend I danced nine and a half hours in one day and I can’t remember how many the next. Tango workshops, zouk workshops, nightclub two step, blues, ballroom. DELIGHT. Ankle is fine. I feel good. A breath for this big joy.
6. The thing I was most worried might be happening over the past few weeks is not actually happening, and there was a good explanation for why I thought it could be happening, this is a relief and a good reminder to breathe and trust in All Is Well. A breath for clarity.
7. I got back to my lost yeses. A breath of gratitude.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of sweet words and good clues. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

More progress this week on the Studio Op, Wild Montage, and The Fountaining. Set off to Monaco to retrieve the jewels! Percolating on the Wild Wild Nest and Operation Jubilation. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of I Have Completely Forgotten How To Worry, To The Point That I Can’t Even Remember What It Is Like, and the powers of I Think I Am Completely Utterly Wildly Amazing.

And yes, I had these for moments and glimpses, and once for an entire day, and it was incredible. More please!

Powers I want.

I still want new dance friends to go dancing with: All The Right People To Play With Show Up, or the superpower of Just Right Companionship.

And mainly I want the superpower of Oh This Is Great News, and I want it about everything.

The Salve of Playful Rewriting.

This salve is made of:

Play. Possibility. Presence. Pleasure. Chocolate.

Put some on at night and release everything that is done while you sleep, and smile in your dreams.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is my favorite:

Retrospectively Pugilistic

Their latest album is Kitsch N Karaoke, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

And this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards — PASSWORD: sweetdoors — because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them or the shipping materials, so get them this week, they’re amazing! And while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry, to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom and whatever else we might need. Dates coming soon!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

{preface}

some weeks the thing I want to write about here is
so vulnerable and intimate
that I convince myself I don’t have the words
or even that I don’t know what my wish is

probably because getting so close to
truths and yeses is
uncomfortable and scary

a useful thing about having gone through this
now three hundred and forty six weeks in a row
is the trust: I know if I just ask a question, any question
skipping it like a stone across the waters of my consciousness
and get quiet and wait
something true will be revealed
so let’s get brave and quiet, and ask: what am I thinking about?

I am thinking about grape leaves

whenever I eat stuffed grape leaves, I think of hagai
who owned this sandwich shop in north tel aviv
everyone said he made the best sandwiches in the city
and so people would put up with the wait
even though israelis think waiting is bullshit
you partly had to wait because of the line and everyone shoving
but mostly because hagai was slow
(“he’s an artist!, the artist of sandwiches!”)
and stoned off his gourd

people raved about the stuffed grape leaves in the deli case
and haggai would say his aunt in petach tikva made them
fresh by hand, a wonder, his aunt, at her age,
and even though who has time to drive to petach tikva
he would still go there twice a week
so his clientele could eat the best damn grape leaves in the middle east

my friend k got me the job there
where I repeated his story about the grape leaves
that the customers loved so much
until one day I walked into the kitchen in back
and found him, joint in the corner of his mouth,
applying a can opener to a giant industrial-size container of stuffed grape leaves

of course

“did something happen to your aunt?”, I asked, concerned
he looked at me confused, or possibly just feeling sorry for
this gullible wide-eyed foreign-born person who was so slow to catch on
of course there was no aunt, or if there was,
she wasn’t making stuffed grape leaves

so yes, a certain self-justified intentional dishonesty that I am not okay with
which is certainly one of the reasons I am, let’s say…
ambivalent? wary? when it comes to this
business of having an internet business
I’ve been doing this for eleven years
and despite having learned time and again how so many people
are not even close to what they present
in crafted-images, jargon, persona, avatar
I keep re-learning this
but no, that’s not why I’m thinking about what I’m thinking about
let’s peel another layer back
undoing this grape leaves story as if it were also made of grape leaves
ah of course

I am thinking about not getting paid

when I quit the sandwich shop under emotional circumstances
unrelated to the stuffed grape leaves incident
I was still owed quite a bit of money
all my calls went unanswered and unreturned, no surprise there,
I asked k what to do and she said that what she did
was march in and stand on a table and throw a screaming fit
until he paid her
the tightness in my solar plexus grew and
I decided I would live without the money

for a long time I wondered why she would get me a job
in a place where the owner doesn’t want to pay you
but as someone who has many times given someone in my company a job or task
that I thought would make them grow
in places and ways they most needed to grow
and then regretted that, every damn time, because it never works
I understand what she was hoping for
she was hoping it would make me tougher

it didn’t
it just exacerbated my tangle of apprehension and resentment
but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a beautiful wish that she wished for me
so I breathe appreciation for the wish

I am thinking about the winding nature of patterns

that funny-not-funny way of things
how if you don’t learn something the first round
(and god, how many of us do, pretty sure no one)
then you get handed endless opportunities to try again
over and over again until it gets ridiculous
and you think you have terrible luck or possibly a curse
until you realize it’s just the video game
and you’re in groundhog day mode
time to breathe in love and courage and
do the opposite of what you usually do….

for example

that same exact thing happened in just about every job
I’ve had since
but havi, you say, why did you keep agreeing to work without pay?
because I believed I would be compensated later
I wanted to be accommodating, a word that is so deeply tied up
in the rigging of the rigged game
and how women are trained in being pliable and compliant, placating,
don’t nag, don’t make them angry
so of course it was easier to think of myself as generous and trusting
sure, my boss at the bar was going through hard times and it was just temporary,
and of course a revered yoga teacher would pay me
why even get it all in writing, we’re all living lives of yoga here aren’t we
satya (truth) and asteya (not-stealing)
of course it will be fine

I am thinking about what is beautiful

I see two things in this pattern
one is this vulnerable tangle, this self-perpetuating cycle
of apprehension-resentment
small scared me who is excruciatingly hesitant to
establish boundaries and set clear expectations
who doesn’t even see her own disinclination to wear her own crown
I feel overwhelming tenderness towards her
protective, wanting to ease her pain

and the other is what beautiful hope she held in her heart
when I let go of the layers of shame and grief
I see someone who wanted to TRUST LIFE
and there is a lot to admire in that
even if the monsters say otherwise

I am thinking how funny it is: I am now the one who doesn’t pay me

over the years
as these Havi-not-getting-paid situations repeated in various forms
I tried a variety of tactics
asking / reminding / yelling / threatening / throwing a fit
none of these were terribly effective
in fact I think the only time I actually got my money back was when I quit
my job at the import company that turned out to be run by moroccan mafia
and even that took six months of steady harassment until I finally got a check

anyway, after all those years of “it’s no big deal they’ll pay me later”
and then not getting paid, and then falling into the same trap in the next job
I thought self-employment would solve this
except oh look somehow it is just landing for me now
to what extent I carried that old pattern along with me
into my own business, for eleven years,
not even noticing that the person screwing over me was me

it all seemed so reasonable

of course when the business was successful
I was going to invest that success into making beautiful safe spaces
online and in real life where people could have deep powerful experiences,
transformative moments, of accessing their own secret wise knowing
that’s what I do, I am a Very Interior Designer (the most interior!)
and so good at it and it brings me such delight
of course I could just pay myself later
when it all paid for itself
yes, I can laugh about this now
and about so many things that were not funny a few years ago
and yes, now it is time to turn this around

enough, pattern
I see you and I receive what you have for me
time to change how I respond
with love

I am thinking about raw and vulnerable states

like when I am a few days away from moon retreat
and find myself sobbing uncontrollably in a diner
and have to declare that day to be
the official Day of Uncontrollable Sobbing
(because at least that way I am celebrating it perfectly)

I am thinking about how {Play + Presence}
is always a good answer to raw and vulnerable
how fortunate then that these are my superpowers
this is what I glow, in me and out into the world
and I know where they come from: the secret s-word is sanctuary

I am thinking about sanctuary

here is my favorite thing about sanctuary
how it means two things
{awe + shelter}
and how safety is such a big deal
it just softens everything,
how much easier is it to fill up on the treasure of gratitude
access the wells of appreciation in my thank-you heart
when I feel safe
when I make safety for myself

awe brings me back to safety
safety brings me back to awe
shelters for accessing wonder

there it is again: what I do
what I do and what I do not pay myself for
what I do not ask to be paid for

jewel

once I did a guided meditation with my friend janet bailey
she got it from mark silver
the intention was to reveal/discover your heart-jewel
the quality that you radiate into the world
and that you sometimes forget to fill up on yourself
mine was a double-jewel
the jewel itself was SANCTUARY
the jewel on top was FREEDOM

I am thinking about true currency

sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night
and scribble something that seems terribly important
knowing that morning-me probably won’t understand
I keep these in a list

this is what middle-of-the-night me wrote this week:

appreciation is the true currency

here is what I think this means
and this is really at the heart of my wish
I want to be someone who lives in a state of appreciation
directed inward and outward
I want to swim in a sea of appreciation
I want to ask for appreciation to be expressed towards me, glowed towards me,
in all (healthy, sovereign) forms
including the form of being paid, expecting to be compensated,
asking and basking in asking
because this is how we rewrite the patterns
this is how we rewrite the whole game

I am thinking about my good heart

my heart sanctuary is where I access appreciation
what if I let this into the rest of my life
what would that look like
what is a life of sanctuary, freedom, appreciation
if unraveling and rewriting patterns is my job
(and has been for the last eleven years)
what would happen if I believed that was worthy
of being compensated all on its own
without having to do anything else?

this wish, now that I can see it, scares me and excites me
so I am going to seed it here
with endless safety for this tiny sweet vulnerable thing
and with trust trust trust

what do I know about my wish this week

it’s the right time to be wishing this wish
as the month of Sanctuary leads me to the day of Leap
and into the month of Lusciousness…

now

sunglasses
leopard print scarf made by someone I admire
ginger tea
train passing by
appreciation for all this

superpower of safety first

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of FREDOM, and february is the door of SANCTUARY, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of safety first

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
that I forget-and-remember a thousand times a day

ANNOUNCEMENT!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
— PASSWORD: sweetdoors —
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week, they’re amazing!
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too…

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish called the emptying and the M-T-ing…

and what a wonderful wish
I finally finished the seemingly sisyphean task of emptying the house
and found some yes
and M-T was indeed More Treasure and Maybe Tacos
and many wonderful things

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

endings

in october of 2001, my marriage fell apart
no, that is not true
in october of 2001, my husband and I walked along the beach at sunset
and somehow drew forth the courage to say in words what we had both known inside
consciously/unconsciously
the falling apart had already happened, it wasn’t in process,
it was in fact long since complete,
what if we just stopped pretending-imagining we could figure it out
and let go

I spent the next almost-two-years in a small sweet wonder of
a studio apartment
in an old repurposed clothing factory in south tel aviv
it had asbestos and bars on the window and a weird metal door
and you had to squeeze through the bathroom to get to the balcony
but it had wild magic and it was sanctuary and
I loved it with a passion that is
difficult to describe

exiting

I remember how I felt
exiting that apartment in late summer of 2003
almost unbearable sadness about this goodbye
about the loss of this specific place that felt like my heart-home
as well as the more general/existential ache
of not having a home that was just for me
or a place where I felt I belonged

I comforted myself (or tried to)
with the thought that my new home would find me soon enough
but that didn’t actually happen

I didn’t have a safe place to actually land until November of 2006
when R and I rented a cozy half of a duplex in Sacramento
and still didn’t have a place where I really felt at home
until november of 2008, when I moved into the house I now own
and am now exiting

in-between

during some of those long years of in-between I had
an address here or there
not necessarily a place where I was welcome,
though still a place to go
but for substantial chunks of that time I was just wandering
not here and not there,
somewhere between lost and not-lost,
between maybe and almost,
friend’s couches, sometimes
sometimes I had a safe temporary space to stay and sometimes I didn’t

now is not then

I repeat this to myself, mantra-like, a thousand times a day at least

now is not then / now is not then / now is not then

and I list all the ways I can think of that prove this
especially in those moments that now is in fact reminding me a lot of then
because that is how the brain works
for example when I say to myself,
“oh my love, there is nothing to worry about
our safe nest will find us very soon”,
there is no actual way I can believe this
because all I remember is how I wanted so much to believe this then
except then the next few years were absolutely hellish

and yet all the
— sweet beautiful vulnerable scary deep —
internal work I have done here and inside myself
in the years since then
tells me that nothing is more true and more powerful
than Now Is Not Then
and nothing is more vitally important than remembering this
because remembering is the key to being here, now

this is the work of life

everything we do that might help us either claw our way back
to this moment of Ah Yes Now Is Now
or soften into remembering the now-ness of now
everything we do to see and feel the difference between now and then
everything we do to layer on experiences of safety
counting the ways
counting our way back
coming back to truth and [here, now]
grace-filled moments of presence
this is the work of life

emptying and M-T-ing

1. this is the year of Easing & Releasing so of course we are emptying, let’s breathe acknowledgment and legitimacy for how hard it is, and recognizing that this is part of a voyage/trajectory that we intentionally set into motion, and all is well…
2. emptying out the house means emptying the things that are done
3. beautiful red balloons of releasing, both in the sense of letting go and also freeing our wishes into the world
4. tabula rasa – blank slate – white space is very calming for me
5. there is a time for everything, and here is the time for learning about emptying
6. now is not then
7. emptying sounds like M-T-ing, and I like thinking about what M-T might mean, More Treasure, Melodic Trance, Melting (with) Touch, Morphing-Transforming, Mind Temple, Mission of Trust, what else…?
8. this is good life practice for me, to experience what it is like to leave my home and be okay, and that now is in fact entirely different from then
9. as the arborist says, “one less thing to worry about — zero minus one is negative one!”

just a few of the ways that now is not then, let us name them and remember!

1. 2016 is really and truly nothing like 2003. Truth.
2. I am leaving my home now because this is indicated and this is right, and staying here, as much as I love it, is no longer my yes, and following my yes is my primary life goal right now — then I left because I lost my job and couldn’t find a new one and ran out of options
3. owning a home and renting it out as an income stream is totally different from having to leave because I couldn’t pay rent, this is just a strategically smart thing I’m doing to cover my mortgage while I am doing cool shit in other places.
4. then I had no viable options — my best friend was in london, my lover was gearing up to move to amsterdam, everyone I knew in tel aviv was in some sort of crisis and couldn’t help me out, my family was not an option, their view was more or less “you brought this on yourself and it’s selfish and inconsiderate that you would turn to us for help, you’re on your own, sink or swim”, and when they did offer ‘help’, the terms were so punitive that I was better off fending for myself anyway…but now I have so many amazing options, at least six people I love have said “of course you will stay with me for as long as you need”, I might be able to build a small studio space, I might hit the road again for a while with the beautiful boy and his motorhome, I can stay with my uncle while things work themselves out, many wonderful things are being seeded and in process…
5. this is the right time, I can feel the truth of this, it is part of a long process of exits and rest stops, emptying and replenishing, emerging and receiving, easing and releasing, echoing and reverberating…there is so much trust now that I didn’t have then
6. then I waited until I was beyond depleted to act, too tired to see all the miracles, now I am following the advice of my wise selves, now I know what to look for and how to come back to my thank-you heart
7. I work for myself, I own my own company, and can more or less set my own hours, especially now with having let go of my other business (the ballroom/chocolate shop) ….back then I was a bartender studying to be a yoga instructor, in a city with both record unemployment and an excess of both of these, and it was all hustle all the time
8. then I didn’t have an address, which was the worst, and I didn’t own keys, which was the worst (until later when I had a thousand keys because I was sometimes-staying with so many different people, which was also the worst), and sometimes I didn’t sleep at night at all because there was nowhere to go and then had to casually nap in the park during the day which was THE ACTUAL WORST, and some other stuff happened which was even worse than that, but now I still have my home address and I have my mailing address for the business, and anyway, it’s the future and there are services that will scan your mail for you, and anyway, most importantly, I am never going to need to sleep outdoors again for as long as I live unless I actively choose to do so for fun, there will always be a bed for me, forever, because now is not then, amen
9. among the many things I didn’t have then which I have now: ways of earning money, a credit card, any future savings, trust, balance, self-care or self-treasuring, the ability to turn inward, skills, self-fluency, internal work, calming techniques, processing techniques, access to the wisdom of Incoming Me, the ability to hear my yes/trust my yes/follow my yes, this blog and its amazing community of thoughtful compassionate interesting people that I get to gather with and play with, the ability to make safe rooms for past-me, which I am doing right now, and I know she can feel it, because I actively remember many moments during the worst times when I suddenly felt mysteriously calm and peaceful and full-of-trust, this is all the times that older-wiser-me has gone back to glow healing for me-then, all the superpowers of retroactive healing forever!

so we have chosen this emptying and M-T-ing, for what purpose?

intentions/desires/wishes/goals…

• the superpower of I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO WORRY: engage!
• the month of sanctuary is about safety first, I am learning how I can live this even when I don’t know where my safe space is yet, I am learning to choose calming, sheltering, permission-filled experiences for body-mind….
• like shiva who destroys (or: deconstructs) in order to create, who calls in the moment of breaking things down into their components so something new and better can be built, yes, I know how this works, I have lived this, I know about the superpowers of [create-and-destroy], about letting things go and trusting that All Is Well and This Is Good
• love more trust more release more receive more
• I am a writer who writes, I am a dancer who dances, all this emptying and exiting is only going to support what is important to me
• clear space to get quiet and listen for my next yes, emptying out to fill up again, emptying to create space for protected glowing.…

what do I know about my wish this week

it’s about meeting the raw, vulnerable pain of life
with presence, playfulness, hope, compassion,
and a commitment to clear seeing
big self-love, endless permission,
wrapping up past-me in sheltering love
tucking her into a giant bed in the safest of safe rooms
letting this wish to care for myself and treasure myself
be my beacon

being my own beacon

this exquisite self-care is my steady reminder that now-is-now,
because now-me has the skills and abilities to do this,
to call on support for all past-selves,
and to draw on support from all future-selves and all parallel-selves
I am not alone in this, because every wise, capable version of me is here
extending a hand
glowing love my way
and in any moment of forgetting
I can pause, get down on the floor, and breathe until I remember

now

sitting on the small couch in the kitchen
the only piece of furniture left
listening to the rain
daffodils from my garden in the last unpacked vase
flowers really do make everything better
so many things to appreciate
my favorite blanket wrapped around me
a mug of tea
the thing Orna said once upon a time about how nothing is more valuable
than the ability to feel at home in yourself…
knowing that everything I do to cultivate that,
to glow where I have not before,
is brave, beautiful, and vitally important

superpower of safety first

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of FREDOM, and february is the door of SANCTUARY, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of safety first

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
what a perfect choice

ANNOUNCEMENT!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
— PASSWORD: sweetdoors —
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week, they’re amazing!
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish called the brave and hopeful yes…

this was a big week of yes to my yes
and no to everything else
gathering intel, asking hard questions, brewing up plans
and throwing an afterparty
a beautiful wish and I am so glad I asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

(and if you like, make up other good things M-T could stand for!)

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡