alternate

I think a lot about parallel worlds,
an endless cascading of alternate universes, each just
oh let’s say a degree or two apart from each other
in terms of how they vary
so visiting a nearby one is no big deal,
in other words, not at all the scenario of
“oh no you stepped on a leaf
now nothing is as it was before
and the people you love suddenly don’t know who you are”
(which might be the worst thing imaginable)

what I mean is more like this:
I wake in the morning
and before my eyes open
I consciously decide that today I am going to play
in the world that is pretty much exactly like the one I know
but where I am 3% more calm and confident
where I have a little bit more of the superpower of
Oh Right I Remember That All Is Well

secret doors

then I open my eyes
because my eyes are a door
and I step into this day in this slightly-altered world
and explore

and all day I feel tingly
because I know something everyone else doesn’t:
today I’m in a different world than yesterday
getting to know what I am like
— me with this extra three percent power! —
who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll visit the me who is slightly more adventurous
and slightly more excited about change,
I can’t mess things up
because jumping worlds like this is an experiment in
endless second chances

groundhog day

today is groundhog day
my favorite adopted holiday
because it is the day of breakfast-twice
and, yes, endless second chances

it took Bill Murray’s bitter recalcitrant meteorologist
an almost suspiciously long time to realize he could choose
any kind of second chance he wanted,
and while hollywood likes to make things about moral choices, wrong or right,
there are many beautiful choices available to us that don’t necessarily involve
Doing The Right Thing, saving lives, or Finally Opening Up To Love
though sure, all those are pretty sweet

yes, doors

there are choices — let’s call them doors — towards PLEASURE
towards PRESENCE
towards WILD TINGLY DELIGHT IN ALIVENESS

I was thinking about this over Second Breakfast today,
how we get so caught up in the rigging of the rigged game,
so devoted to believing that it’s real
that we will postpone our pleasure, our good, our health
in service of crossing things off of lists that don’t actually ever end,
or trying to meet external expectations that we don’t even agree with,
or that maybe don’t even exist, just things we perceive that other
people want us to be doing

inventory

as I prepare to exit my home,
getting quiet and naming each item I own
it becomes clear that so many belongings and treasures are not in fact mine,
in the sense that they are not true yes for me-now

I hold something in my hands and ask “whose is this?” or “who is this for?”,
and very often it turns out that
this dress belongs to past-me
this book is apparently to impress people I don’t even know
this not-quite-yes cushion is about my fear of there-won’t-be-enough-of-what-I-need
this bag is about the me who likes to escape
and this thing I never use is actually for future me,
I will gladly hold onto it for her, she whispers that she is on her way
just through another door or two
but the rest can go

this literal inventory of my space — my life — has been
powerfully revealing
and intimate, and sometimes almost unbearably
uncomfortable, both the seeing and the letting-go
and, like all things that set you free,
not always fun

yesterday

yesterday I didn’t want to get out of bed
maybe because I knew the beautiful boy was leaving town (again)
and would come to say goodbye (again)

yesterday I didn’t want to get out of bed
and had to concentrate hard on the parallel world
where I want to be awake, the world where I
trust the process of life to hold me,
and then I opened door/eyes into that world
it took a while but we made it

yesterday I put myself through the paces of my daily
dance training aka learning to be a panther,
walking my eight count patterns
from eight starting points, in eight directions,
like a spiraling labyrinth compass flower
I did this for hours
and then long shavasana on the floor
emptying and emptied

set free

this was what came to me as I lay sprawled on the living room floor

SET FREE

I love how both clear and vague this is at the same time,
an instruction, an explanation, a blessing
did it mean that I am set free (yes)
did it mean that I am to set things free (yes)
did it mean that this is what all this endless
reconfiguring of endings in my life is about (yes)

set free and be set free
be set free and set free

this is the year of easing & releasing

about to become the year of echoing & reverberating
because I begin my year on leap day
or invisible-leap-day in non-leap-years,
the door into spring and adventure

easing and releasing is about setting free
what a marvelous turn of phrase
to set something sounds like a form
and free sounds like not-a-form
to set free is to cast (also form/not-a-form) off and away
into space
the place where the doors live

what do I want to set free

other than myself
it is funny that yesterday was the passage between
the month of FREEDOM (january) and this month, the month of SANCTUARY
for the longest time I believed that
I could only ever have one
safety meant relinquishing freedom
freedom meant accepting the lack of a place to land
classic bird vs tree, false dichotomy, false choice

I want to set myself free from the notion that I must choose
between safe space and adventure
I want to inhabit the world where I contain both,
where I live both, and am gloriously unconflicted about this

I want to set free whatever holds me in the
old way of thinking, whatever bits of programming and rigging
make me think I have to adhere to expectations,
conform or pay the price

what else needs to be set free?

assumptions
jumped-conclusions
old rules
or anything else I unquestioningly believe that
limits my sense of what is possible

I set it all free, imaginary red balloons,
along with my wishes
and I step into the world where my feet trust the ground

what do I know about my wish this week

this is a wish about Less
but mainly it is a wish about doors

it is a wish for ease of transition
for softening
for some peace of mind during this very difficult-for-me time
when my list each day starts with [snack/cry]
and some days it seems like that’s the only item that gets crossed off

deep breath, deep love, deep trust
open eyes, step through,
with the superpowers of sanctuary-and-freedom,
and endless second chances

now

my kitchen looks so strange with all the art gone
the only thing left on the wall is my Year of Doors calendar
with the gorgeous door of SANCTUARY

and two cards, from the playground, the retreat center I used to run,
leaning up against the kitchen counter:
one says ALL THINGS CHANGE
the other says AND ALL WAS GOOD

I am ready to live in the world where I believe that
not just in my heart and mind, but in how I live,
not just three percent
but one hundred and twenty percent
where I live the truth of this so beautifully
that it glows

superpower of safety first

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar is the door of SANCTUARY, and the superpower is safety first

I think that my trick to getting out of bed, playing with parallel worlds, is a safety first technique, as is my rule of “there is nothing wrong with going back to bed either”

to me nothing embodies self-fluency more than the principle of safety first
any form of self-exploration or healing that doesn’t start from there
is kind of violent actually
so let’s breathe this in, with endless compassion, enough to echo out
through all those parallel worlds at once

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about FREEDOM but I couldn’t say it because the R key on my keyboard wasn’t working, which resulted in a very entertaining wish called what fantastic unanticipated luckiness…

this worked out perfectly as it brought me to this week’s
wish about freedom,
and searching for “wait, how is this lucky” was very useful
in a week of hard and challenging things

do you want to hear a lovely story about that?

on thursday, I ran into an old waltz friend who was so happy to see me
that they paid my entry to the dance
then on sunday, a woman showed up to waltz brunch and was $7 short
guess how much I had in my pocket because I didn’t pay for the dance thursday
(yes, I have one pair of dance pants and no, I don’t wash them that often)
but the point is that I was set up to be the angel and cover the entry for a stranger,
and glow inside over how Fantastically Unexpectedly Lucky it all is…

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 392nd week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Morning begins at night.

Each day this week, before going to bed, I chose superpowers for tomorrow-me and put them in her journal:

“Today we have the powers of Delicious Calm, Beautifully Clear About Everything, and I Trust In My Wild Good Fortune…”

This is one of those things that is just a small, lighthearted moment when I do it, but then the next day things are mysteriously amazing.

Taking the indirect or unexpected route.

Asking “okay, what is not yes for me” ended up leading me to a VERY big yes I did not even know about, and which hadn’t surfaced at all in the many times I’d inquired about my yes.

Next time I might…

Drink more tea.

Tea helps, especially when it’s cold, and I forget this.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of Fantastic Unanticipated Luckiness, and here were the days:

Big joy. Steady panther grace. Inviting freedom. Three wishes. What great fortune. My space is treasure. Luckily, X!

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Smoke and Mirrors.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Miscommunication/misunderstanding with the beautiful boy who is in town for both not-long-enough and long-enough-to-go-into-the-worst-patterns, and always about-to-leave, big hurt feelings on my part. A comfort-acknowledgment-love breath for my vulnerable need to be special and important to this person, and for how much I wish I didn’t care about that.
2. Took three days off of training this week, which was important, but also uncomfortable. A breath of deep trust.
3. Got the estimate on replacing the sidewalk areas that were ripped up by the tree, and holy god it is a lot of money. Between that and basement fixes and figuring out plans, well, many breaths. A breath for remembering that nothing is wrong. A breath for house insurance, which covers half. A breath for All Is Well. A breath for Luckily, X. In this case, that means “Luckily, the massive tree toppling over did not destroy Richard’s car or any property at all, and really, this is remarkable good fortune.”
4. Pretty much everyone in my life went off radar this week, and it was lonely and strange. A breath for deeper trust, and for asking for what I want.
5. Wiped-out exhausted from all current projects. Emptying the house is big work. Figuring out what’s next is big work. Writing projects are big work. Dance training is kicking my ass. And so many monsters, including a new very sneaky gang who sound compassionate but actually just want to shut things down at any cost, they’re all about “well, this is just as far as you can go, you did what you could, now it’s time to let this dream go”. A breath for rest, and for Safety First.
6. This emptying work is not easy. A breath.
7. As if all the hard things aren’t enough, they were all intensified x1000 by some seriously volatile pre-moon-retreat hormonal fury. Let’s have a breath for the me who wants to destroy things.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. The misunderstanding was dissolved swiftly, with words, presence and love, which is an amazing thing for two people to be both able and willing to do together. And then we went dancing and held each other close. A breath for healing and for things that are healing.
2. Clean slate. Powerful stuff. A breath for presence, doors, beginnings, entering as I wish to be in it.
3. Big sweetness. Such good fortune in this. A breath for being able to appreciate what is beautiful, meaningful, joyful, yes-to-me-right-now.
4. I said the things that needed saying, in the many situations that asked this of me. And it was okay. Everything was received with love, as it was intended. A breath for the healing powers of clarity.
5. I spent so much of this week doing conscious entry, and everything was about a thousand times better than it usually is. A breath for practice.
6. Dance! Training, practicing, working on foxtrot, killing it at nightclub two step, understanding what is and isn’t working in my drills. Dance was big magic this week, and now I can barely walk, but I’m okay with that. A breath for pleasure and for the transformative powers of the slow motion montage.
7. My house is now 99% empty of things that are not true-yes, and this changes the air, and the happy hum is back. A breath of This Is Right.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of wild rice with sauteed sweet peas, more light in the days, clues everywhere, and an absolutely amazing day of space-clearing with Jill (highly recommended!). Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

The Namer Names, Wild Montage, The Studio Op, and getting ready for the Fountaining op. Incremental progress (and yes, luckiness) on everything. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of I Am So Good At Easing & Releasing, New Ways Of Seeing Freedom, unfettered joy, and a thing that is like colliding wish magic but specifically for when I have a No to something, other people feel relieved that this is my no, or maybe I am okay with them not liking it, or some form of It All Works Out So Well and There Was Nothing To Worry About, Of Course!

Got all of these, especially the one about Freedom! And I also had the power of [Luckily, X] aka seeing good fortune everywhere, which is the best.

Powers I want.

I want the powers of Beautifully Clear, Easily Releasing, Of Course I Live In A Wishing Hotel, and I Trust In My Wild Good Fortune. As well as the power of happily asking for (naming, claiming, inviting, invoking, throwing into the pot) even more superpowers, a glorious abundance of superpowers!

The Salve of Luckily, X

When you wear this salve, it’s not so much that things get rose-colored as that they stop being muddy. Suddenly the situation that seemed impossible, frustrating or unlucky begins to reveal its hidden treasures. You pause, breathe, stop clicking, unplug, get on the floor, laugh.

This salve is made of equal parts Trust, Wonder, Pleasure, Self-Treasuring, Miracles, Sweetness, Grace and Thank you.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Mildly Bionic

Their latest album is Just Like You But More Dangerous, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

a funny thing happened on the way to the something

let’s see if I can tell you about it
it may have to be a somewhat stilted telling though

I took myself, not too many minutes ago, to a cafe
(whose name I now find myself suddenly unable to tell you)
so that I could…compose this week’s Wishes
except upon beginning to type, I found myself stymied —
a quite vital key on my laptop is not functioning at all,
the one that follows Q

I kind of need that one

an enigma:

on the one hand this could be an amusing thing to mess about with:
what if I attempt to….dictate(?) this week’s wishes without the help of that
specific piece-of-the-alphabet
that is kind of a fascinating challenge

an aspect of me — who has chosen the code name Lucky Honey,
she thinks this is fun, she enjoys all haiku-like things,
these edges that define play

but Doubtful Havi thinks this is one additional example of
all the stupid and annoying things of life,
like how this laptop is so old, at least six,
and has been fixed multiple times,
and no, this does not feel like a fun challenge,
just the next indication of all things being fucked

theme

the intended theme of the this week’s wishes had been
What Do I Know About [thing I can’t type at the moment]

it begins with F, then my missing piece, then two Es, and D, O, M
also the theme of this month

I’m laughing now
because this is not the only time I have found myself avoiding
this concept

synonyms

I lived in tel aviv just on a decade
and managed in time to fake an almost-flawless accent
because passing has big advantages
but always, yes, a few things I could not teach my mouth to convincingly say
and one was the name of…let me attempt to tell you about it…

[it is alive and it flies and is small and you see it…two seasons post-fall]
[it is also the last name of Johnny Depp, in much eye kohl, as Jack _________ ]

in the language spoken in tel aviv
this name I can’t say/type is a common name given to boys
in addition to being this small flying being
that you see once it is not cold
and — get this —
it is also a SYNONYM to [begins-with-F ends-with-DOM]
aka the thing I meant to wish about today

so I am used to speaking about the edges of this
instead of the thing itself
used to avoiding, taking complicated paths to get
to the thing that needs saying

let’s get to know Lucky Honey

I like how she thinks about things
how she finds the luck inside of what looks to be not-luck
this is an ability I would like to have too

what does Lucky Honey know about being Lucky Honey?

1. she is lucky
2. she believes/knows she is lucky, which means she has fully assimilated All Is Well
3. she is full of thankfulness to this [lucky] state, which she has chosen by committing to All Is Well
4. she is sweet, and okay with sweetness
5. she has a steadiness inside, no one can take advantage of this sweetness she has
6. sweetness is also Suiteness, yes, she always has a home, a honeycomb, a hive, a cozy nest
7. she lives at the Wishing Hotel, which is not a hotel at all (thanks, google, you knew what I meant even with bad spelling)
8. she loves the shape of honeycomb, the hexagon that is a wheel and a compass, and if you take half of it, you get a shape you make in the dance that begins with FOX, a dance she and I both love
9. she lives in the tiniest luckiest space
10. she has a hidden studio, a tiny dance space and a clawfoot tub
11. she is wildly lucky, and knows it, and says thank you a thousand times a day
12. she has few possessions (and knows all the names)
13. she seeds wishes
14. she begins each quiet thought inside Lucky Honey headspace with “Luckily…!”
15. she makes wishes and then waits until the [ways of help] show up
16. she acts by way of letting go of that which is not yes

talk to me about luck, Lucky Honey

when my ancient maple toppled and fell in the winds
it left behind a massive tangled mess of stump and wood, immovable,
that the city demands we move within X days
luckily (yes) I live in the top west section of the united states,
a place that is in fact maybe much like you imagine:
full of tall people in plaid jackets who own giant chainsaws and old Dodge pick-ups,
and these people have been slowly coming by and taking away huge slices
to make bowls and such
and still so much is left

then, the day between two-days-ago and today,
an old man came to the house, I think he was an angel
like the man my mom thought was an angel
he spent the whole day, until past dusk,
with the huge stump and all its tangles and pieces

cake

I wanted to give him cake but I did not have cake
(note to self: always have cake in case of angels)
so I came out with a glass of something, and listened to him talk instead
at the end of the day it was all gone
he saved us at least $300
it’s kind of amazing
the luck of this

now all I have to do is plant a new [living being that is not a maple]
and put in new sidewalk because it all got pulled up
but maybe, who knows, I will find luck in this too

maybe, who knows, I will find luck in this too

I wish to inhabit this aspect of myself
I wish to become the me who believes in this luckiness
who sees good and potential-of-good, who delights in seeds
and unexpected openings

I wish to see fantastic unanticipated luckiness
in the unlikeliest of places
(a missing typing key becomes a game)
(a fallen maple invites an angel)

without making myself say thank you
if/when I don’t feel like saying thank you
just opening eyes and letting all of me open
opening in unison like unfolding petals to take in light
let me see what is good
let me find again the lost path of “ah yes all is well”

what else do I know about this?

hmm this bit may be challenging
you know how a BELL makes a sound that goes out
in waves…
it hums in space, and this hum is steady but also shakes
it shakes things up and moves between them
until the space above and below you and on all sides
the essence of this space changes

I believe, now, in this moment,
that choosing to think I have a kind of luckiness
(even if I don’t, just thinking I do)
can act as a bell inside of me and outside of me

the tool you use to open a bottle of wine

imagine it, holding it in hand, with love and intention,
poised above the bottle
it has a shape
a shape not unlike the sound of a bell doing its bell thing
in space

now imagine this is not made of metal
but is made of light
tightly packed glowing gems of light,
and imagine that instead of putting it into the top of a wine bottle
and following the action of the shape…
imagine that this light, this bell-sound is cycling in you,
down down down down
into the place below us, the place out of which a maple might come

I think choosing thankfulness
(because what is naming something luck if not acknowledgment-meets-thankfulness)
is a way to be a bell making sound inside of space and changing that space,
a way to feel this steady light cycling inside
changing the homes that house me:
my body, my home, my mind, all places that let love in (and out)

what do I know about my wish this week

this is not a wish about luck
this is a wish about knowing and deep faith,
about playing with what is
instead of attempting to make it be something else

I could fight with the keys of my laptop to get a solution I think
is the one needed
and I can also find a way to say all that needs saying in this moment
in my own quiet not-as-planned way
and find it lucky instead of limiting

okay, it is also possible that maybe I don’t find it lucky
but even then I can still make myself a bell
and hum my wishes into the space between us
and welcome what I want
by wanting it, by listening, waiting, humming, letting openings open
I want to call this devotion
but I could also call it hope

now

chamomile tea
(how lucky that they didn’t have any left
of the kind whose name begins with not-Q and not-S,
that would have made it difficult to tell you about)

the chainsaw-owning plaid-clad people can be seen at the cafe as well,
some in utilikilts, all in hats

plants on shelves
and a wall full of thank-you notes
it must be a theme, not just mine
let us say thank you again then as this is a gift too

superpower of I am here and ready.

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar is the door FREEDOM, and the superpower is I am here and ready

LUCKILY, this above bit was in the template and so all these difficult-to-say things have been said by past-me

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about a SHAPE, a shape that I now cannot say, and this is funny, I can’t tell you the name of the wish but it had to do with safe glowing…

an amazing wish that came with its own luck
a wish about occupying the space of my life unapologetically
and being inside a hoop, like the sound of a bell,
and this was lucky too

invitation: come play with me…

(ah good past-me left this in the template too)

and, obviously, YOU can totally use the Between-Q-and-S
actually it’s Between E-and-T if we think laptop instead of alphabet
anyway, if you wish to leave a comment, you do not have to emit the thing
that I am omitting
unless you want to!

EDIT: ha, omit/emit, I can’t spell but that’s a lovely image

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

It is a Sunday chicken today, because I disappeared to the coast and didn’t have internet, and, yes, All Timing Is Right Timing, no matter how many times a day I forget that.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 391st week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Being literal with concepts and experiments.

My dance teacher likes to say, “Pretend you have a hundred dollar bill between your thighs, don’t let it hit the ground!” I get it, as an image, as a concept, it gives you a visual and sensory perception beyond just thinking, oh right I need to keep my thighs closer together so they help power this turn.

But this week I decided to use an actual bill. I didn’t have a hundred, but I had a twenty, and while Andrew Jackson is pretty much the last person I want between my thighs, I made it work.

It was both harder and easier than I’d imagined, and after several minutes I was able to remove the bill and still really feel the right-for-me amount of thigh-on-thigh pressure needed to execute a flawless spiral or curl, or even just to do panther walks.

Sometimes it helps me to feel the idea, and I sense many applications of this…

The other thing that worked was arranging for provisions for slightly future me, like bringing extra socks to the coast (smart move!), and prepping ingredients for soup.

Next time I might…

Allow for more time.

It’s an especially tricksy part of the rigged game, somehow I persist in thinking — despite all life experience to the contrary — that the things of life (the ones that just have to be done whether I want to do them or not — laundry, dishes, taking out the compost, getting ready to go out) can all be done in one day.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of Protected Glow, and here were the days:

Freedom glows. Beautifully here. Protected and glowing. Wild entry. Jubilation. Ease ease ease. Calm steady glow.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Excuse Me I Need To Go Hide Now: The Havi Brooks Story.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. The house is in such a state of commotion and upheaval as we go through this emptying process. A breath for breathing my way back to clarity.
2. I am completely unable to focus when my surroundings are messy and unattractive-to-me. I thrive in beautiful creative chaos, sure, but when it’s not aesthetically pleasing to me, it’s like kryptonite. There are so many things that need my attention, my doing, my decision-receiving, my presence, and I am just not there for it at all. A breath for this.
3. My housemate of ten years and a month moved out. It feels bizarre and surreal and I don’t even know how to understand the space without him. A breath for this is right, and for trust.
4. I got lots of intel on my yes and my no while at the coast, and this means now I have to be honest with people and say things they may not want to hear, and that’s no fun. No wonder I didn’t want to know what was true for me. A breath for being present with what is, and trusting that what is in my good is in the good of the whole.
5. My dance teacher gave me her next round of fixes for our dance drills, and this is all really good, but my brain is breaking, and this is the hard part of the slow-motion montage. A breath for deep trust.
6. I got upset with someone I love for being how they are. And then upset with myself for being upset. And then this whole week was filled with clues that were very clearly about [frogs and scorpions], and it was not fun. Let’s have a breath for love, a breath for Things Can Change, and a breath for I Am Okay.
7. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. This week was full of Colliding Wish Magic, which was almost the topic of this week’s Wishes. But I got my wish anyway, without even writing it. For example, I had put aside a couple of the Fluent Self calendars for friends, without having a sense of for whom, because I had a wish to delight someone with a surprise. Incoming Me pointed me in the right direction, and without having any backstory, I wound up sending calendars to a friend who just went through this intense baptism experience of realizing that this year is about Freedom (the theme of my calendar), and another friend who had just made a wish for a beautiful calendar and didn’t know where she’d find it. I love so much when wishes collide. A breath of joy.
2. The beautiful boy turned forty and we ran off together to the coast and walked under the most astonishing star-filled sky of wild iridescent sailing cloud formations and a glorious full moon. A breath for glow and sweetness.
3. The moon whispered a secret to me about staying anchored in turbulent times through steady quiet trust in both gravity and my own power, and it told me to say, “I AM OF THE EARTH”, so I did, and there was some big magic there. A breath for being able to listen.
4. The plus side of my housemate moving out is that it is now much easier to sense what in my home sparks joy, and what needs to exit. A breath for sweet clarity.
5. I am doing a super scary-for-me thing and not freaking out about it, and this is kind of amazing. A breath for this.
6. Fourteen and a half hours of dance training and practice in two days! I am so hardcore, you guys. Learning new things, practicing being a panther, it’s fun and exhilarating and slightly terrifying, but I feel so excited about this. A breath for process.
7. This may be a time of big upheaval and transitions, but it’s all things that really need to be happening, and I am at previously unknown levels of Yes This Is Right, which helps a lot. A breath of I Can Do This Even Though It’s Hard.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of mexican food with Richard, returning all the keys to the ballroom and getting our deposit back, soup stock simmering on the stove, surprisingly calm lovely winter weather at the Oregon coast, extra socks. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

Took two days off (rest days) from the Wild Montage op, and that shifted something for me. It’s still super hard, but feeling good about it. Day 31! Still working on The Namer Names and The Studio Op, and getting ready for the Fountaining op. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Easy Clarity, Colliding Wish Magic Everywhere, and I Glow So Hard. I’m kind of amazed to report that yes, all of things were part of my week. Another reminder that this practice is deceptive — it seems so simple and even silly, and yet, there it is.

Powers I want.

I want the powers of I Am So Good At Easing & Releasing, New Ways Of Seeing Freedom, unfettered joy, and a thing that is like colliding wish magic but specifically for when I have a No to something, other people feel relieved that this is my no, or maybe I am okay with them not liking it, or some form of It All Works Out So Well and There Was Nothing To Worry About, Of Course!

The Salve of Nothing To Worry About…

My wonderful uncle, Svevo, likes to say that there’s a pretty low ROI on worry. And this is so true, but it doesn’t always make it easier to not-worry, especially when worrying is such a big part of your genetic and cultural heritage like it is mine.

This salve brings so much ease, and sweet steady calm into the picture. As you massage it into your skin, you feel this bubbly lightness, and for some reason, it just doesn’t occur to you to worry.

This salve is made of equal parts Grace, Presence, Warmth, Trust, Devotion, Self-Treasuring and [All Is And Will Be Well].

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

The Good-Mood Chippers

Their latest album is They Charge By The Inch, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.

Also! We sold out of all the Playground Care Packages, but I was able to put together one more box! The theme is Joyful Play, it’s $25 plus shipping, contact the First Mate if you want it.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

tetris

lately I’ve had the sensation that I’m
playing three games of tetris at once:
with the objects in my house,
with dates and times on the calendar,
with changes in the business

seemingly endless congruencing and
reconfiguring, everything moving,
until it’s too much and my head starts to ache
and it’s back to bed

right now overwhelmed-me wants
two things: [safety/sanctuary/protection/shelter]
and access to my glow
and I want these things in combination
glowing protection
protected glowing

protected glow

not only do I want to protect
the quiet glow of my headspace
and the glowing orb in my heart
I have been flashing on an image
a delineated circle around me
not just my force field that I invoke/conjure/imagine
but a thick stripe of color (red!)
that rotates around my space like a
multi-directional hula hoop
made of concentrated points of light

wait, actually this is perfect
hold on
okay

the true secret project

when I said earlier that I wanted protected glow
I had this sudden exciting thought that it would be so good
to hold a rally this week for myself
to figure that out!

(a rally is a powerful spark-filled form of retreating I invented
where you commune with your projects
and play with them instead of working on them)

and the most important part of rally is that
we use proxies —
we pretend that something else is our project
and investigate that instead
which then leads us down marvelous rabbit holes
until suddenly we know everything we needed to know
about the original project
and also about other forgotten or unknown projects, past and future,
because they’re all interconnected and really because
all projects are one project because anything you work on in life
is part of the bigger project, aka the True Secret Project:

how do we come more fully into ourselves?

what is a hoop that is not a hoop

anyway I just realized that
saying I want to learn how to hoop
and investigating that
instead of trying to figure out this big complicated protected glow stuff
would make an excellent proxy project
because I both want and do not want it,
but don’t especially care about it

and these moderately conflicted feelings about something I’m
not actually planning on doing anytime soon
are much easier to examine than
the real project aka
[how do I learn to be someone who protects their glow?]
[how do I take steps towards yes without getting massive migraines?]
[how do I get comfortable inhabiting space, taking up space unapologetically, owning my circle of me-ness, and being the most clear and resonant bell]

what is a hoop that is not a hoop
what do I know about this
let’s find out

is it like whistling, bubble gum, country two-step?

or: things I know/think/feel/wonder about hooping…

1. I cannot for the life of me keep a hoop moving around me for more than one rotation at most before it clatters to the floor, it is a complete mystery how people do this for fun
2. not sure if this falls into the category of a) whistling — can’t do it, everyone who has tried to teach me has given up, b) blowing bubbles with bubble gum — couldn’t do it for for the longest time but with consistent practice eventually figured it out ten years after all the other kids, or c) country two step — lost and frustrated until I found the kind of teacher who was able to break it down slowly enough for me, and could explain it in a way I could understand
3. this is a familiar theme, getting comfortable with my particular Havi pace of learning, and being okay with it
4. oh an ache in my heart, I feel such intense [longing? envy? passion? wistfulness?] when it comes to people who can just pick this stuff up, the kind of people who given a hoop would have just invented things to do with it, you could leave me in a room with a hoop for fifty years and I’d never figure it out
5. thinking about its history, I feel definite discomfort, first with the cultural appropriation of the word hula, which is really not okay and just one more way that hawaiian culture has been exoticized, taken, erased, and then of course discomfort with more plastic-plastic-plastic, not to mention — something I didn’t realize as a kid — knowing there already was a native american practice of hoop dancing, and this just feels uncomfortable to me, I would be okay with experimenting with a hoop in the privacy of my home for the purposes of movement, play, force field training, but I think this wouldn’t be something I would want to do in public, hmmm interesting…what else do I know about this
6. yeah, I guess I also associate it with show-offy forms of play, and now I’m noticing lots of judgment and monsters about this (both You Shouldn’t Be Seen and You Only Care About Being Seen), lots of cultural stuff in here too about to be safe you have to be invisible, this is interesting and uncomfortable, okay, let’s invoke the power of Safety First, and just make a safe room for this to sit in for now — fear, you are legitimate and understandable, and also you are not mine and not from now, you can show me your truth and let the rest dissolve
7. once at a rally at the Playground, one of the participants told me (very enthusiastically, and enthusiasm is pretty much my favorite thing in the world!) about a hooping convention she’d attended, how unexpectedly meditative, powerful and transformative it was, a story about everyone with their hoops, in the dark, and the sound of them falling to the floor, how you learn that dropping and starting over is okay…there is power in this
8. I like that the hoop I see in my mind is red, like a flash or an outline, this seems related to power and presence, a practice of rootedness
9. roundness is important for me, wheels and compasses and circles and labyrinths and bowls, the unexpectedly sacred feel of that: wholeness, the round vibrating om sensation, yes, that

okay, good intel, what else?

if a hoop is a visible reminder of my force field
and if trying to keep it up
is learning about energy and protecting my personal space
through filling my space…
this is about filling my space with me
like an embroidery hoop, in a way,
the frame in which creative play takes place

this then brings me back to the same question
which probably also holds the answer to the headache conundrum:

what enhances my ability to experience my own light? and what diminishes that ability?

how can I be the clearest bell? how can I boldly glow? what needs to be eliminated versus what needs to be illuminated?

in other words…

who is the version of havi bell who knows
how to protect the bell glow

and how can I let a hoop
(or the idea of a hoop)
be my teacher here
how can I make peace with being REALLY TERRIBLE
at the thing I think I want most
which of course is being comfortable taking up space
as opposed to being able to keep a hoop rotating around my
ridiculously narrow practically-non-existent hips
though yes I would like that too

it is interesting that I believe
this can’t be taught
that I am a Hopeless Lost Cause Again (monster-assessment)
when in fact there are so very many things that fall into the category of
“something I perceive that everyone else is able to pick up
way faster than I can but eventually, with patience and good instruction
I can do it too”

what do I think will help?

believing that this is possible
[let “this” = many, many things]
not reinventing the wheel but asking someone to
break things down for me in a way I can understand
tiny steps, nuances, subtleties, wax-on-wax-off, slow motion-montage:
this is how I learn

what else?

trust
release
do more entry
ask for what I want
no more clicking, on anything
no more distractions other than the ones I joyfully choose for myself
remembering that this is brave
even though I think it isn’t
there is nothing more challenging to the rigging of the rigged game
than agreeing to take up space
yes there it is, there’s my wish

agreeing to take up space

in my life
in the world
to occupy the cockpit of my mind
the sanctuary of my heart
the beautiful bowl of my pelvis
my thoughts and feelings and perceptions
my internal and immediately external space
this radiant circle around me that says
this is mine, this is my domain
I am here
beautifully here

what do I know about my wish this week

like all the wishes lately it’s about
presence and embodiment
and passage

I am going to trust my flash of a vision
my love of roundness and
my narrow hips
and the fact that what I lack in natural inclination for [some things? many things?],
I make up in obsessive determination
and in my strong faith in All Timing Is Right Timing

yes
let us trust in all of that
and then some

now

(1) my housemate is moving out
we’ve lived together for ten years and a month
it is the right time and it also feels so surreal and impossible,
he knows me better than just about anyone and
he can tell when I am freaking out even when I appear steady

(2) today on the bus a woman
was yelling angrily at the top of her lungs
at everyone and yet no one in particular
about how kale can stop cancer
it was on the one hand a very urban moment
and on the other hand a specifically portland moment

I am done with this city,
and this knowledge and the theme of glow-protection are related:
follow your yes and when you don’t know your yes
at least listen to the clear ringing no

(3) the trick to
these never-ending games of tetris
is knowing that
however the pieces land
it’s going to be okay
this is hard to remember
but that does not make it any less true

superpower of I am here and ready.

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar is the door FREEDOM, and the superpower is I am here and ready

here and ready is about presence
and glow protection is about being here
and glowing my bell-ness, my such-ness, in my space
what is freedom if not that
thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar
thank you, year of doors

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about en route to bravery…

and then did an astonishing number of Very Brave Things
all of which surprised me
and all of which were easier than anticipated

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡