The Fluent Self

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

chic czech chicken checks in, off, out!

by Havi Brooks | Dec 18, 2015 | my personal practice

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, Friday: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 386th week in a row we are chickening here together….

or “checking in”, if you prefer to enunciate.

What worked this week?

Landing time.

I knew the return from operation ruby jewel would be a tough/interesting transition, and wisely didn’t schedule much of anything, outside of one meeting and one dance lesson.

Kept the focus to staying inward, in all senses, on the couch by the fire with candles, doing as little as possible. I mean, within the confines of Life Stuff and How Is There Always More Work and Oh Right The Game Is Rigged, but to the extent that I could do less and not-respond, that’s what I did, and it helped.

The Fluent Self calendar.

Each time I got tangled up in my stuff this week (and this happened a lot), I’d pause by the calendar on wall and breathe, taking in the reminder to TREASURE MORE, brushing my fingertip across the superpower of Receptive To Incoming Good Surprises.

And then things were better.

I can already feel the wild magic of the incoming Year of Doors, and have been sitting with next year’s calendar touching the pages and listening to the different doors and admiring the beautiful portals waiting for me.

Next time I might…

Not push.

Easier said than done, and yet maybe if I keep saying it, the wisdom of this will sink in when I’m ready to receive it.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

The Hibernating Wanderer Who Wants To Be A Wandering Hibernator.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

Oh it is dark and cold with freezing rain and bitter wind, and this is not for me. I do not want to winter here. I want out. A breath for warmth and comfort that is also a seed for a new way to do this season.
I miss the sea and I miss dancing and I miss being actively on a mission. Of course I am still investigating the mysteries and intel revealed on operation Ruby Jewel, but I miss that feeling of being immersed in a project. A breath for me.
Agreed to something I shouldn’t have agreed to, because I did not fully understand what was involved, and wound up in a WUSIT situation (WUSIT = What Unsovereign Shit Is This). A breath for wearing my crown, for clarity and untangling.
THE VOID. As Rumi says, “This being human is a guest house / Every morning a new arrival / A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor / Welcome and entertain them all!” My guest this week was the void, and there is nothing to do with the void but sit with it and make two cups of tea, one for it and one for you, and wait and listen and Not Push. I didn’t want the void. I wanted pleasure and dance and anticipation and giddiness and other things that were not the void. But the void was the guest, and I had to wait it out and welcome what was. A breath for slowly getting better at remembering: I am not the void, I am having an interaction with the void, and the void will give me what I need when I don’t try to shut it out.
I have a conundrum and do not know how to solve it. Nearly all the things I thought were yes for me are actually no, but the new yeses have not yet arrived, so it requires enormous trust to say no to things that sort-of fit, without knowing what will be. A breath for trusting.
A long-time ritual ended this week, and it was the right time, and everything ends, and I am okay, and also I am wondering what things will be like on the other side, and what my new ritual will be and if I will be able to sustain it without going to the usual place for it. A breath for safe passage.
Questions about home and place and what/where is the right one for me to be. A breath for perfect simple solutions revealing themselves in right timing.
Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

Having a knowledgeable person take a look at my complicated overwhelming project and declare it to be “delightfully doable” in her eyes, that was very reassuring. A breath for beautiful perspective.
Still in awe of all the treasure from operation Ruby Jewel, and everything I learned. A breath for wonder, and for being a grand adventuress.
Dance epiphany! Something all my teachers have been trying to explain to me for a year finally landed this morning in my body and I got it. A breath of DELIGHT.
The three things I was most worried about before my trip now do not worry me even slightly, so I am holding this in my heart and trusting that the current worries will go through the same process. A breath for remembering this.
Through a combination of miracles and extreme determination, managed to pull off a wildly unlikely caper and hit a hilarious goal I didn’t think could be reached before [arbitrary external deadline], and won an equally arbitary prize. And all of this was FUN, and I learned that I find it enormously invigorating to pull this off . A breath for nailing it, and for all this good intel about what motivates me.
Woke up with an understanding that there is a less complicated way of doing the thing I want and not doing the things I don’t want. This is good. A breath for the superpower of With The Greatest Of Ease.
Treasure in my life in the form of steamed milk, the right bus, warm spicy food, friends who know what to say, piles of blankets, knowing all timing is right timing. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life.
Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

I took some steps on Operation Shed Shed Shed this week and learned that only part of it is what I want, so now taking some time to regroup. Operation Ruby Jewel led me to the 999 Mission, which is the best thing I have ever come up with. Panther Time is helping. Chocolate is being Melted. Next steps in motion for the Fountaining op. Sweet Honey is on the back burner. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Or if you don’t do numbers (even fake ones), an endless cascading fountaining abundance of sparklepoints

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for Treasure Breath, and I have ben playing with this. I also had the marvelous superpowers — just in time, too! — of There Has To Be A Better Way, and Suddenly With The Greatest Of Ease, and I want more of those. Oh, and the power of checking things off the list, see the title of this week’s chicken.

Powers I want.

The power of Wildly Glamorous Even In Sweatpants and Striding Towards My Yes.

The Salve of Everything With The Greatest Of Ease.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Of course the Greatest of Ease is also the Greatest of Es, so all the good E-words live inside of this salve:

Entry, Expansiveness, Emerging, Echoing, Embarking, Endeavors, Excitement, Effervescence…

When this salve touches my skin, it is easier for me to do things like treasure myself and trust in right timing and meet the moment that is instead of the moment I think should be.

This is a softening salve and a quieting salve, and it awakens an entirely different kind of trust than anything you’ve known before. This is the salve that allows you to welcome things, Rumi-style, and also to let them go.

When I do things With The Greatest Of Ease, I stop pushing and go take a Very Intentional Nap, very clear that doing this is seeding ease, and that I will wake up and know something I didn’t know before.

My favorite thing about this salve is the soft sigh that happens when I’m wearing it. One of the dance teachers I studied with on ruby jewel said about practicing chaine turns, “you don’t need so much energy, do it with a small exhale, as if you’re throwing a frisbee a very short distance”. This salve elicits that kind of lightness: oh right, I don’t need to work so hard, I can just to let this happen instead of trying to make it happen….

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band is:

Henchmen Abound

Their latest album is Commence The Montage, and actually this band is just one guy.

Photo taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!

ANNOUNCEMENT!

The gorgeous and extremely magical 2016 calendars are ready — The Year Of Doors! — and I believe there are not too many left. You can find yours here. The password: sweetdoors

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

here, now

by Havi Brooks | Dec 16, 2015 | my personal practice

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 336th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

here, now

I have just returned from twelve delicious days of
sun, sea, and sleeping in,
exploring the southern reaches
primarily through napping
deep internal exploration into sweet blissful quiet
and [here, now] everything is cold, dark and rainy

an odd sensation
wanting two things at once

this rushing pulsing urgency to act
aching desire to break down fences
bound over anything in my way
in order to take off for points south
not slowing until the sun warms me again
and my panther body feels the invitation to slow
to a graceful prowl

and, also, yes, the equally powerful pull
to hibernate and hide in bed
for as long as it takes until
spring comes
and the scent returns

what does this need?

as always
as in all things
ACKNOWLEDGMENT & LEGITIMACY
because this the basis for self-fluency and
also the door:
it’s how we find our way back
to compassion, presence, love, all the good stuff

I call on my wise wild selves to whisper truth
to channel the compassion I could glow so easily
for a friend going through this
and forget to offer myself:

of course this makes sense
of course this is an understandable valid reaction
to the combination of the elements at play
[cold] + [transition] + [endings] + [season]
not to mention all the very extenuating circumstances
and the very legitimate ways that now might be reminding us of then
even though
Now Is Not Then

truth truth truth

no matter how much now looks like then
now is now

and, at the same time, acknowledgment and legitimacy:
it’s okay that we forget this
it’s okay that we forget truth
that’s what life is about,
forgetting and remembering, forgetting and re-remembering

you’re doing great, my love
look at you, being human
you’re totally nailing it!
yes, you forgot and remembered, you forgot and
will remember again
it’s okay, this is exactly how this works
you are safe
and I love you

I want to tell you about ruby jewel

I learned so much during operation ruby jewel
my twelve day adventure in the sun and in dreamland

though these days turned out to be the entryway,
the anteroom to ruby jewel
because this mission is much larger
more encompassing (that’s a compass joke!)
than I had anticipated

mainly I want to tell you things I learned about jewels
and about glowing
and maybe laugh about some of it

for example, the funny part

I planted two wishes here while I was gone:
1) what do I want to reflect, and 2) rooting for love

of course it turned out that what I want to reflect is LIGHT
and jewels reflect light
and light needs to be grounded (aka rooted)
because it is being conducted
through me

so reflecting and rooting,
as it turns out,
are the secret keys to being a jewel!
I wished them into being
not even knowing why I needed them
it’s so perfect and hilarious

twelve days, named

if you have ever worked with one of the
fluent self calendars
then you know how wildly sweetly disruptively magical it is
to invoke qualities with time

so here are the names of each day of the op
each name received in the morning of that day
and each one full of unexpected treasure

confident about doors
jewel heart
clear easy grounded
internal glow
to embark
when I am a jewel
glowing freedom
internal star access
in search of freedom
glow levels: enhance
FREEDOM CALLS
a jewel returns

if you wish to try the powerful and full-of-sweet-surprises life practice of naming, the Year of Doors calendars are here and they are absolutely breathtaking — password: sweetdoors

what did I learn about light and jewels?

GLOW MORE TREASURE
means being a conduit for light
and conducting light through the jewel
that is you

this is mainly about Presence
I mean, yes, most things are mainly about Presence
but think about how a moment
(or a dance, for example)
is immediately altered
when you are fully engaged with
intention and intensity —
there for the whole experience

then…

then, from this clear committed engagement
thinking about and streaming my light
asking it to be there
(remembering that it is there whether I can
feel it or not has the same effect as turning on light)

next, being deliberate and deliciously panther-like
in both movement and actions
sending yourself into motion
from this gyroscope jewel in your center

and, of course, choosing towards
that which enhances your light
and your ability to glow and to perceive your glow;
choosing away from everything which does not

intentionally doing things that bring you pleasure
that help you cultivate your
easy relaxed joy

this is the intel I received for me,
I do not know if it is is also for you,
sharing it in case it has clues or sparks

presence

presence is tricky
beautifully mysteriously tricky
and not only because the game is rigged
in every possible way to keep us disconnected
from ourselves and from now

many times on operation ruby jewel
I caught myself looking wistfully at my traveling companion
bracing myself for the impending disruptive goodbye:
knowing in two days time
a plane would take off for thailand without me
while I would go north to say a different goodbye
to my beautiful home

instead of HERE, NOW
this beautiful moment which is treasure
trusting that future moments will deliver
future treasure,
and that I am held in safety, sweetness and love
knowing that my only job is to
glow more, glow wild,
and trust

yes, to be HERE, NOW

with quiet passionate intention and intensity
if this moment is a door, any door, all the doors,
and I am free to walk through it,
then let’s choose joyful ones

choosing doors

for example, the door of acknowledgment and legitimacy for what is
including acknowledgment and legitimacy
for every moment of drifting away from now
every moment of sorrow-longing-despair-resistance
and wishing things were other than they are

presence means also being present with the not-being-present
and present with noticing if I am blaming myself for that
and present with blaming myself for the blaming
glowing compassion all the way to the root

let’s choose the door of compassion
let’s choose the door of turning inward to my thank-you heart
and the door of I Want To Be Here Now
the door of I Am Changing This Moment By How I Am In It

and sometimes a door is a series of doors, like the door of All Feelings Are Legitimate, Even The Ones I Don’t Like, and Also Not Liking Them Is Legitimate, and Not Liking That I Don’t Like Them Is Legitimate

glowing

here is what I know about glowing
as learned from being a jewel for twelve days:

pass light (let light pass) through your jewel
ground it (ground everything)
PRESENCE (relaxed positive being infuses relaxed positive doing)
extra compassion, self directed (run your light through yourself to glow inward before glowing outward, fasten your own mask before assisting others)
hold things lightly (not too seriously, and also hold them in the light)

what do I know about my wish this week

my wish is to embody this
to live this to the best of my ability
with the keen awareness
that this shit is not easy

bold presence or whatever you want to call it means
more interaction with [pain-fear-doubt]
but also more interaction with joyful aliveness
deep powerful stuff

our entire culture is built around not doing this
it’s designed to distract/entice/hold-in-place
acquiesce to stagnation
whether in jobs, family, structures, relationships
(including our relationship with ourselves)

I feel passionately about doing the opposite of this
being engaged in this [here, now] moment
and my yes that is my yes in this moment
surrounding myself, encompassing myself
in the qualities of spirit that are my compass

North: TRUST
Northeast: RELAX
East: SHINE
Southeast: EXPAND
South: ANCHOR
Southwest: TREASURE
West: GLOW
Northwest: WILD

what do I know this?

nothing needs to be done
and so much is asking to be not-done
and undone, dismantled
through deep breathing, presence and wild intentional not-doing

the best way for me to stay in the compass
is to breathe, pause, notice, laugh
forgive myself over and over for being human
and forgetting truth

naming things and
repeating the names
and giving things new magical names
saying I AM HERE NOW
and I am here
and I am here

may it be so!

now

Lars reminded me that winter is good
for curling up by the fire
so I did that
and things got better

and then Steve reminded me that dodging winter
is actually a perfectly expected move
for an eccentric wanderer like me

so [here, now] is good
and choosing a new [here, now] for soon/later is good

and now-now has tea and cushions
and breathing sweet breaths
which I now know
is another way of circulating light
through jewels
and through me

superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises.

december on the 2015 fluent self calendar is TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises

glowing light through (internal) jewels
is a good practice for month of treasure and treasuring

I am receptive to all incoming good surprises
and everything that comes from [here, now]
and from saying yes to doors
and to sweetness

thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about rooting for love…

and I learned that the best way to root
is to send and receive from the earth
and to do this with light
in order to be more here, more now
which is the next piece

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

chicken of the sea

by Havi Brooks | Dec 11, 2015 | my personal practice

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, Friday: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 385th week in a row we are chickening here together….

or “checking in”, if you prefer to enunciate.

What worked this week?

Not having access to internet.

Oh glorious quiet headspace.

I mean, I spend very little time online anyway, but this was just the best.

And I was by the sea and so this is the chicken of the sea, a little canned joke for anyone in the loop.

Next time I might…

Let things take time.

Ha, yes, well.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

It’s All Better In The Sun, Ocean Girl.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

This week is Hannuka and I am away. Missing the ritual of being home with R and making latkes and lighting candles and feeling cozy and cheery and full of song. And after ten years of living together we are parting ways, so who knows when next this happens? A breath for treasuring ritual.
Hahahaha how did I not anticipate the total exhaustion that would result from a three day dance retreat with dancing until six a.m.? Hahahahah how did I not anticipate the DOUBLE exhaustion that would result from doing this during moon retreat. Wondering if/when I am going to become someone who takes better care of herself. A breath for the monsters who worry, and a breath for highly sensitive but also high-sensation-seeking me who loves adventure so much that sometimes she overdoes things.
Learning how to treasure myself. Like all secret missions and grand adventures, this is not always easy. A breath for simple solutions and ease-filled resolution.
Big questions. A breath for turning inward and letting them be asked.
Big answers and wild epiphanies that are shaking things up. A breath for trusting.
[Silent retreat]. And also I don’t want Operation Ruby Jewel to end, and it ends this weekend. A breath for love-more, trust-more, and yes, everything ends, and yes, all is well.
I want-need a cozy nest to land in on my return, and I am still waiting to find out what and where that might be. A breath for perfect simple solutions revealing themselves in right timing.
Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

All the challenging work I did in November on developing and embodying the superpower of Glow More is totally paying off, because I am glowing so hard and so clear and with such grace and ease. This feels like a miracle, and it is, but also I want to remember how hard I worked on this. A breath of wonder and delight and LIGHT, of course.
Even if I am missing the usual hannuka celebrations, I am still enjoying all the superpowers of this holiday: Dedication and Rededicating, Lights and Lightness, Miracles of All Sizes, Delicious Fried Food. A breath for awe, and light.
Dance magic all week long again. A breath of cascading joy-sparks.
Operation Ruby Jewel! A breath for this big magic.
Lusciousness. Love. Sweetness. Escape. Hope. Wonder. Delight. Pleasure. A breath for all this smiling.
There are doors to what I want. This is good. A breath for this!
Treasure in my life in the form of outrageous sunsets, long walks, sunshine, dance training, live music, entertaining karaoke (not me!), sleeping in, luxurious napping, delicious food, being beautifully cared for, and writing in a window seat. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life
Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.