What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Visions #216: If X is possible, then….?
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
If X is possible, then…?
The situation. And background.
I had an astonishing and kind of scary realization the other week, while doing some stone skipping.
I discovered, suddenly and unexpectedly, that nearly everything I dearly wished for last year and two years ago has come truer. Truer! Except for in one very important area, where things have not only not come into fruition but the situation has actually gotten worse. Which is interesting.
But. So many big, impossible-seeming wishes have come true. Things I did not think were doable in any way, are here and part of my daily life. I came up with twenty things I was sure were way out of reach, and they have all happened.
So…? Implications?
Right now they’re all slighly colored by emotional reaction:
- Waaaaaaah maybe the stuff I want now that seems impossible is going to happen too, and this is scary/exciting!
- Ugh maybe then I’ll just be gloomy about something else. Because look at right now: all these amazing things have happened, and I am still super-fixated on this one area that is Extremely Not Working. Admittedly, it is a big Maslow’s hierarchy-of-needs kind of thing. But still.
- Hmmm, so maybe that is what has to change now. Maybe on THIS level of the video game, I learn how to focus on what is working. But wait, what about this other thing…?!
What else do I know about this?
I am in a loop. The realization that these other things have all come into reality is kind of blowing my mind, and then I keep cycling around.
The hopeful part is: 1) What I want is possible. 2) Things Can Change. 3) Something that seems impossible or far off can come into being!!
The less hopeful part is: Man, this one very important area is really problematic.
And also: man, what if (Ludicrous Fear Popcorn and monster-fears here) I am just incapable of being content? What if two years from now the [problem thing] is fine but I’m just focusing on some other Not Fine, and maybe that’s my real problem?
What I want.
To REJOICE over hopefulness and possibility.
To take beautiful deep breaths of APPRECIATION and gratitude for all that has come to pass, for all the hard work I did in processing and playing to be able to be comfortable with these changes, to be the person who can live these changes.
To TRUST that if X is possible, then Y and Z are also possible.
Or some aspects or qualities of Y and Z.
To enjoy.
To lovingly move my focus and attention to [this one particular area] to learn more about why this particular part is so painful for me. I might need a proxy for this.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Possibility. Trust. Presence. Ease. Steadiness. Delight. Comfort. Sweetness.
And the superpowers of finding hidden openings and loving the hallway.
What might help?
Being a detective.
Going on a mission.
Talking to slightly-future-me.
Anything else?
I can skip some stones.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- I’ll ask her!
- Why not make it twice as long? I mean: WHY NOT.
- Parade please!
- Recovery is smooth and easy.
- Operation 888 is more fun than I think.
- Set-up for Wall Of Squoosh.
- It’s like Amsterdam but it’s not.
- Time to myself.
- Yoga comes first.
The qualities inside of the wants:
I’m staying with the same compass I’ve been using lately:
Ease. Sustenance. Prosperity. Contentment. Plenty. Appreciation. Receptivity. Peace.
And the superpower of there is secret nourishment right here and I can feel it.
I’m playing with…
Trusting my instinct. Time for me. Mapping and napping.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Bond In Bend.
Hmmm. I wanted to enjoy Bend, have fun and let the mission be pleasurable, and that didn’t really happen.
However, I learned a lot from the mission. A lot. And I’m glad I went, even though this is not something I would do again.
And also it was funny that the two main streets in Bend are Bond and Wall, and I was there as Agent Bond working on Operation Wall. Neat coincidence.
The main thing I learned is that when I don’t take time for myself, everything falls apart. And I need to do this sooner than I think. So this is my prize. And also I am giving myself a palpable, tangible, real-life gift to remind me of this. Holding it in the palm of my hand.
Ha! I forgot I asked for time with Meirav, and I ended up getting more time with Meirav than I have since 1997! Mind: blown.
Silent retreat on the rest for now!
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #265: chicken whispers “miracles, miracles”
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
Oh, chicken chicken chicken. I needed you this week!
This week I learned all kinds of fascinating things about what my Stuff is. And I did not like this one bit, but I am also feeling pretty appreciative for all this new information I have.
So let’s start there.
What worked?
Talking to Upset Me.
Upset Me was so upset!
Once I talked to her, I really understood why she was upset, and it made so much sense that she would be feeling that way.
And then, she ended up comforting me.
Establishing a routine.
I was off on a mission in Central Oregon, and feeling out of my element.
Once rituals were in place (morning walk, dance class, shower before bed!), everything felt better.
Recognizing claustrophobia and giving it a name.
This week I dealt with some things I never have to deal with.
Claustrophobia, allergies, being unexpectedly on the receiving end of some unanticipated jealousy. Being in a fight, of sorts, with someone that I am normally very close to.
Naming helped me isolate and map some patterns.
Next time I might…
Schedule alone-time before I fall apart.
The last time I had this little time to myself was thirteen years ago.
I saw and felt it coming from way far away, the moment of I NEED SPACE AND I NEED IT RIGHT THIS SECOND, and I didn’t act quickly enough. Because of another pattern that has to do with wanting to placate.
Anyway, alone-time for Havi Bell!
Eight breaths of hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Central Oregon and I did not get along on this trip. Allergies, mosquito bites, weird rash on my face, bruised ankle. Ugh. A breath for my poor sweet body and the discomfort we experienced.
- Claustrophobia. The physical kind and the emotional kind. Unexpected. I’d imagined I’d experience [mission] as cozy, snug and contained, all things I like. But it turns out I go a little crazy in small spaces, and also in perceived tightness. A breath for needing spaciousness.
- No time/space for yoga/being yoga. Either it was 90 degrees or there were red ants or swarms of gnats or being in a certain space turned out to be a PTSD trigger. A breath for this.
- Work stress. Did not get to work on any of my writing projects. No progress at all on Operation Wall of Squoosh, which was supposedly the main thrust of the mission. A breath for this.
- Wednesday. Took the day off from work/over-work to dedicate it to Pleasurable Things Only. Instead had a misunderstanding/fight with a fellow agent and spent the whole day talking it out and crying. Fun fun fun. A breath for easing pain.
- Not sleeping well. Hating geese and coyotes, who were making ungodly amounts of noise while I was not sleeping. A breath for environment.
- Spoon feeding. I dislike doing it and resent that I have to. Deep breath for having to do something I don’t enjoy.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I got to take classes with my very-favorite-teacher in the world of [super embarrassing thing]. I am not crazy about being in Bend, but I am so crazy about her! Being near her is inspiring! I am in awe. Breath of appreciation and adoration.
- Some good news is I did NOT set the trailer on fire when I knocked over a tea light (it self-extinguished!). Less good news: wax all over my phone, including the bit where it plugs in to the charger and the little openings there. But then the good is that a toothpick fixed everything. A breath for things being okay. And for toothpicks at the diner.
- The Floop. I processed so much and the most remarkable things happened, including a small-and-vital miracle when I asked for it. A breath for community.
- Big huge wild progress on Operation Where I’m At (wham boom! this op is done!) and Operation 888! A breath for completion, and also immense gratitude to Agent W. who sat with me all day in the library three days in a row.
- The under four minute mile! Not actually a mile. But I got surprised by a really great surprise, and part of the surprise was that it took less time than it does to make soft-boiled eggs. A happy breath for sweetness and the feeling of being knocked off your feet by delight.
- The McGill sit-up. Not a proxy. An actual sit-up. I ended up being in the same room as something called an “ab challenge”. If you know me at all, you know that this would hold ZERO appeal for me. But I was feeling super cocky, and thought: “I may not care about sit-ups but I do a ridiculous amount of yoga, so bring it.” 85 second plank? Why not. Anyway, I did a thing I wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole, and I learned this new (to me) kind of sit-up! And even though I still think sit-ups are stupid, I liked this. A breath for being surprised and trying new things.
- Something I was dreading (or at least: not looking forward to) went surprisingly smoothly and pleasantly, with the help of a bottle of wine. A breath for ease.
- Gorgeous moon. Outrageous sunsets, and a spectacular sunrise. A breath for beauty and sharing it with someone you love.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had the superpower of Miracles on Milagrotag. Which is really the superpower of conscious entry, and of asking-and-receiving. I whispered “miracles, miracles”.
And the superpower of melting imaginary snowballs with adoration and presence.
And the superpower of waiting calmly until the very last second and then smoothly outbidding everyone on eBay, and still getting the thing I needed at a fraction of the price.
Pretty great superpowers.
And a superpower I want next week.
Trust and spaciousness. And more whispering.
Salve.
I want to share the compass I made this week. Eight qualities I was wishing for on Milagrotag. This gave me comfort while whispering “miracles, miracles”, and maybe it will bring you comfort to.
This week’s salve is made of everything here:
- North. Ease. A sense of ease. A knowing of ease. A trusting of ease. And of Es. Trust the Es!
- Northeast. Sustenance. I am cared for. I am grounded. I am stable. I am nourished and nurtured. I am sustained.
- East. Prosperity. Even when things are edge-tough like they are now, I have access to what I need and I can flourish and thrive. Things are changing. Let this be so.
- Southeast. Contentment. I feel at peace with what I have and where I’m at, no matter what the news is (I hope I like it!), let it be so.
- South. Plenty. There is plenty. There is enough. There is more than enough. There is plenty of time, space, resources, good news, spaciousness, breathing room. Haha, the conflict I had with my fellow agent this week is a reflection of my perception of tightness/claustrophobia/lack-of-space. Tightness is a lie. So let me come back to a sense of plenty.
- Southwest. Appreciation. May I appreciate everything I have. May I know that I am appreciated and loved. May my life fill with appreciation.
- West. Receptivity. Let me be receptive to good news. Let me receive. Let me let myself receive.
- Northwest. Peace. Let this whole day be infused with peace. Quiet peace. Joyful peace. Peace for everyone in the cafe who wants some. Peace for everyone in Bend who wants some. Peace for everyone in the world who wants some. Let peace spread and prevail, readily available to anyone who is willing to have it.
Anyway, may it be so.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Marlene O. C. Dietrich
Just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
There are two spots left in the May Rally. (Rally!)
Grab them.
And for a not-that-much-more, for one more day, you can get access to as many Rallies as you want between this September and next.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #215: Bond In Bend
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Going on a mission that requires Bendiness.
The situation. And background.
I’m going to be in Bend, Oregon.
As Bond Girl, of course. LADY BOND. On a secret mission. Is it another diamond caper? Hard to say.
What I want.
To have fun and get the mission done. Without compromising either of these.
To survive the heat.
To rendezvous with Agent D.
To enjoy.
Anything else about this?
There are a number of bits and pieces I’m worried about. Mostly about work stuff, and getting enough work done. But other things.
The location, other people’s (theoretical!) demands on my time and energy, my own lack of ability to establish clear boundaries, the heat, layers of memories from past missions.
I’m noticing some monster worries, and some LFPs (Ludicrous Fear Popcorn).
The qualities inside of the wants:
Flexibility, of course. It is the essence of BEND.
Hahahaha. Bend jokes.
Flexibility. Trust. Quiet. Steadiness. Calm. Balance. Passion. Pleasure.
And as a superpower, my old friend, the power of saying no to everything, graciously, with majestic glowing boundaries.
What might help?
- I can have a sankalpa, an intention for this Bend time.
- I can be a bell of flexibility.
- I can literally bend. Myself and other things.
- I can bond with bending. Bend into bonding. Be a bond about bendiness.
- Yoga, obviously.
- Dancing it out.
- Building safe rooms.
- Talking it out with the monsters, using the help of a seasoned internal negotiator.
- Asking slightly-wiser-me for help.
- Remembering all the things I love about Bend. The river walk. The river. The mountains. The beer. Agent D. And getting excited about the new beautiful things I will discover and experience.
Hahahaha I just remembered that the main street in Bend is Bond.
Anything else?
Eight slow sweet breaths of steadiness.
I’m playing with…
Skipping some stones.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Steadiness.
- Mini-epiphanies.
- Time with Meirav.
- I am pleasantly surprised by EVERY ASPECT of this.
- Good news, from all corners.
- This moment is a miracle too.
- Silent retreat solves all the challenges.
- There is enough time for this.
- It’s like a mini-SHBOTW!
Repeats.
They’re that good!
- Rest into miracles.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Trust. Treasure. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Heart. Miracles. Readiness.
And the superpower of everything I need to know is revealed to me.
I’m playing with…
Mapping and napping.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka San Miguel.
I spent all week investigating the mystery of San Miguel, and learned all kinds of useful and interesting things. Fountains and islands. Clues and more clues. The Floop gave me lots of ideas too. Very hopeful about this. Thank you, everyone who helped!
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #264: breathing in and out
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
A Saturday Chicken, because yesterday I ended up on a ranch four hours away, and that adventure changed my plans.
Which is what adventures do. It’s what adventures are good for, really.
So here we are. Time to reflect, with an extra day.
What worked?
Trusting my instincts.
I listened. And even when it didn’t really make sense, I went with it.
Eight breaths. Or sixteen.
This is something a fellow agent and I do all the time.
Eight breaths. Or sixteen.
I like to synchronize mine with the compass directions, or qualities that I am using in my personal compass.
Inhale NORTH. Exhale Trust. Like that.
We’ve been doing this together for nearly five months, and I’ve been practicing this since my Crossing the Line retreat in October, but this week it became my default response to everything.
And last week Åsa did an eight breath Chicken, which was perfect. So I am going to maybe play with eight breaths of hard and eight breaths of good this week too…
Next time I might…
Remember that the rules I have in place exist for a reason.
Maybe RULE is the wrong word, and maybe that’s what needs to change too.
I broke a bunch of absolutely absolutelies this week.
For example, scheduling multiple things in a day even though I know that two encounters with the world is my absolute limit.
Or not allowing time for napping, even though I need to rest.
It makes sense that I would break rules, because I HATE rules.
But these [love-filled principles] exist so that I can navigate [being alive] without falling apart. And they help me take care of Highly Sensitive Person me.
Eight breaths of hard, challenging and mysterious.
- For the first time in eight and a half years of running my own business, I woke up with morning dread. When you don’t like your work and don’t want to get out of bed. Not because of the part of my work that you guys see, because of a different part. Long meetings about things I do not care about at all. Deep breath for this.
- Getting to the eye doctor only to discover that my insurance no longer covers vision. A breath for this.
- The woman in line, about my age, talking to a friend. She said, “Ugh, I have so much lingerie, I don’t even know what to do with it.” I did not hit her but I really, really wanted to. I do not even know how to imagine this “problem”, but I’m pretty sure if I had it, I would be delighted. A breath for this.
- Someone lied to me, and they did not know that I had the same information that they had, and this was uncomfortable. A breath for this.
- Zombie days. A breath for this.
- On Zombie Days, edges are rough, everything is jangly. I am extra-sensitive. Music drives me crazy. I feel bleak and hopeless. Inhaling and exhaling for that.
- Mosquito bites that swelled to alarming sizes, and itching of an intensity I haven’t felt since I was a little kid. Deep breath for this too.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
- Commiseration really helps. Talking to Alon and Marisa and the Vicar made everything better. Sometimes all I need is for someone else to say, YES THIS SUCKS and OH SWEETIE and I WISH YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS. A deep breath for the wonderful thing that is commiseration.
- The dress. I wore a dress that I never wear because I think I don’t look good in grey, and also it is never the right weather for it. But suddenly it is the most amazing dress in the world, and I might need to wear it every day. A breath for how fun it is to be a slow-motion head-turning traffic-stopping vision for a day, and all just by changing costume.
- Substituesfau! Tea with the Vicar. It was marvelous. A breath for the just-right thing, and for friendship.
- The eye doctor and I found really fun ways to work with me being on silent retreat. We laughed through the entire appointment. And fell apart in hysterics when he saw a note had been added to my file saying that I’m hearing impaired. A breath for joy.
- Ticking things off! Agent Mueller and I got a billion trillion things done. Inhaling and exhaling the pleasure of accomplishment, and the wonderful thing that is working well in partnership.
- Variations In The Key Of X. A game I learned from Nick where you use one word as a KEY, and let other words cluster around it. A breath for the deliciousness of words, and for keys.
- A clew from Christina, who is a well (and a Wells). Inhaling the qualities of wells, exhaling trust in wells.
- Brunch with Sarah, talking about all the important and interesting things. We were fountaining, and it was important fountaining, and I am a fountain, and I really like Sarah. A breath for connection, ease, and sharing.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had the superpower of Believing Things Are Getting Better.
Not all the time, but more, and: enough.
As Richard and I like to say: “A toast! To not-that! And to things getting better, may it be so.”
May it be so.
And a superpower I want next week.
Relaxing Into _______________.
Relaxing into whatever needs to be relaxed into.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of relaxing into.
This salve softens everything that needs softening.
It’s like an infusion of eight breaths.
Things that used to seem hard, unpleasant or unfair instead seem interesting. You look for clews. You take a breath. You begin to adapt. Relaxing into.
It smells the tiniest bit like the taste of fresh berries.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is from Maine, and they are called:
The Forgetful Lights.
Which is funny, because I always call them The Lights Of Forgetting. Because I forget.
They are twangy and banjo-ey, and actually it turns out it’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
I’m going to announce something later in this week, and some people are going to say “Oh man, I am feeling so sad that I didn’t sign up during First Sail days”.
If that is you, remember the phrase Chandelier Amnesia. It is your secret code.
A breath for All Timing Is Right Timing. It will be okay.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #214: San Miguel
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
This week’s wish is complicated. I will have to follow some threads and see where they lead, because I am not sure how I can know what I want about this if I don’t know what it is.
Though who knows, maybe I can.
Maybe this is really about desire. About the (self-granted) permission to want without knowing why, or what the wanting means. Maybe this wish has to do with remembering that fantastic-sounding things are possible, that anything can hold treasure.
Time to explore. What do I want?
Where in the world is San Miguel?
This question makes me laugh because it makes me think of Carmen San Diego, which combines a favorite color and a (secretly) favorite place.
And also because apparently there are endless San Miguels.
So the original question (“Where is San Miguel?”) ends up becoming a new question: Which San Miguel?
And: Why do I need to know about it? Or maybe, also: What do I need to know about it?
San Miguel. San Miguel.
It showed up in a dream.
Did you know? Ever since I went silent, my dreams began to take on aspects of silent retreat as well.
Until they completely transitioned and now I no longer speak in my dreams. That is, I speak the way I do in real life. Through smiling, nodding, scribbling notes, laughing.
My dreams are written now, like my life.
And the dream of San Miguel was all in Hebrew, because it took place in Tel Aviv. I will translate.
The dream about San Miguel.
Ehud and I were at the Shoftim pub. Sitting at the bar. Late afternoon. He was looking at me, eyebrow raised: Nu? So?
I pulled out my notebook: I’ve decided not to keep studying. I’m done.
Ehud: Not to chew? You don’t want to chew?
Me: To STUDY. They don’t even look alike.
Ehud: Your handwriting is a mess.
Me (affectionately): Idiot.
Ehud: So what are you going to do instead?
Me: I don’t know.
Ehud: But this means you’re leaving, right? Where are you going?
Me: San Miguel.
Ehud: Where’s that, South America?
Me (baffled): I guess I’m not sure? Shit. I should probably figure that part out.
Ehud: But you’re really going…
Me: That’s the plan.
Then we both laughed. And then I thought I have go to see [x] and tell him I’m leaving the city, and then I remembered that he is dead, and then my heart was so sad. And I knew even more that San Miguel was the right place for me.
What do I know about this?
- It wasn’t a dream about San Miguel. It was a dream about Tel Aviv. In which San Miguel makes an appearance. As an idea.
- This is the third dream I’ve had about quitting grad school. Even though the last time I even considered grad school was at least a decade ago.
- When I dream something several times in a row: consequences. Consequences? Results. Things move. That’s how I ended up moving to Berlin and San Francisco.
- This is not a repeat-dream, not the same dream. Just the same theme.
- San Miguel might well be a metaphorical place, like Bolivia.
- Hilariously, there is a San Miguel in Bolivia. Real-Bolivia, not metaphorical Bolivia.
- I am NOT moving to Bolivia, by the way. You couldn’t pay me enough to consider it. I’m talking mostly about the metaphorical one, but right now they’re so close in my mind…let’s just say no Bolivia.
- I once had a brief bittersweet love story with someone named Juan Miguel, which is not the same but… free associating is all I’ve got.
- There is a San Miguel in the central coast of California, a place that my former partner in crime and I talk about a lot. And the place Jonathan Stone disappeared to, during the period of the Mysterious Disappearing Stones.
- In the dream, my feeling towards San Miguel was warm and hopeful, despite the fact that I didn’t know anything about it or why I was going there.
What don’t I know?
Um. Everything.
That probably is not true. But my perception right now is of vast unmapped territory, and the sweet call of the road. What the Israeli poet Nathan Alterman called “the melody you tried in vain to neglect”.
So let’s start with San Miguel.
You are welcome, anyone reading, to share any and all things you know about San Miguel! Any San Miguel.
What do I want to happen next?
I am going to use San Miguel as a proxy. A stand-in for all my wishes and dreams.
And investigate.
What would change if I took my sweet San Miguels seriously. If I acted like I was going to follow them?
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Delight. Safety. Presence. Glowing. Wholeness.
And the superpowers or sankalpa of Anything Is An Adventure and What I Want Is Possible.
What might help?
I’m sticking with the OODs.
I will play on the Floop.
I will talk to Agent Wilkinson about my secret wishes, the ones that I do know something about.
I’m playing with…
There is a version of me who knows. There is a part of me who trusts. There is a me who can take steps without having to know all the details. There is a me who has ALREADY BEEN to San Miguel, and can tell me what I need to know.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- This week is the First Fountain. So. FOUNTAINING.
- WHAT IF WHAT I WANT IS POSSIBLE?! What if I already have aspects of it in ways that I don’t even realize? What if its qualities exist in many possible and accessible forms?
- Keep up the left-handed texting.
- Redo 404?
- More prelaxation!
- Operation Wall of Squoosh. Tiny steps.
- Everything is sorted. SORTED!
- Preparation for Operation Bond And/In/Around Bend.
- I watched Glee and I MAPPED (shh, napped), and woke up with a really big clew that is so big that I can’t process it here because it scares me. Well, it does not scare me. Its (potential) implications scare me. I want to play with this clew.
- UMIIO. Unless Mood/Inclination Indicate Otherwise.
- Toldot.
- Back to AIR(plane) mode. Access Internal Resonance. By putting the phone in airplane mode.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Synthesis. Resonance. Remembering. Releasing. Grounding. Play. Wisdom. Plenty.
And the superpower of Things Resolve Themselves While I Am Not Looking And Then I Laugh For Hours.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
How can quiet solve this?
ANNOUNCEMENT.
The Alphabet Buttmonster Carousel — a pass to as many rallies as you can make it to this year for the cost of a little more than one Rally — IS the most exciting thing and unusual thing I have ever offered. Password: whee
First Sail days (where all the bonuses live) go until August 16th, which is in A FEW DAYS.
I broke all of my rules about pricing resonance in doing this. I went way, way, way below the Lowest Possible Number, because we were in an emergency.
I fully anticipate that each of these Carousel Rallies is going to be even more incredible than regular Rallies, because of a variety of reasons that I will tell you about later. So if you can make it to more-than-one, do this. It’s the best deal we’re ever going to have on this ever. By a lot.
This is THE WEEK where this extremely unusual price is still happening (you can also do nine payments). But after this week, that is no more. I don’t usually give a heads up on these things. This is it. <3
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka sustenance and synthesis.
Last week I asked for something about sustenance and synthesis, and that was wonderful, because this past week has been significantly less rocky than the past few months, even though nothing has noticeably improved. My ability to respond with internal peacefulness has improved.
There was an ask about rewriting the perception of AMBUSHED, and that worked really well. I processed the hell out of it on the Floop, and am feeling so much better about all the ambushes.
There was something about Isolated Occurrences, Not Trends. And I was able to remember that the thing that is happening is just the thing that is happening, nothing more.
I wanted to find the treasure in the hard things, and I did. And I wanted big progress on Siegfried the Magic Otter, and that happened. Thank you, last-week-me, and thank you, Very Personal Ads, for making sure that I plant some new seeds now and then.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox