What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #262: let’s dot this baby?
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
That was supposed to be “let’s do this, baby” but “let’s dot this baby” is funnier. Though so is “Let’s dot this, baby”. Either one, really.
What worked?
Heinzelmännchen Wrecking Crew!
It’s ….me, and it’s also Just One Guy.
There were things that needed doing, and I didn’t want to do them.
And some of them were painful, because they were connected to a grand and beautiful vision that did not work out. I talked to Slightly Future Me about this, and she said I needed Heinzelmännchen.
Which was brilliant. I can be my own Heinzelmännchen!
Asking Incoming Me.
You know what else she said?
“Honey, you will feel so much better when this is done. And yes, it was a beautiful vision. Maybe some day something else happens with that vision. But what you’re working on now is the qualities behind the vision.
The vision was just a form. All forms change, reconfigure.
“But the qualities: your commitment to living quietly and mindfully and lovingly, being a radiant resonant bell. THAT is still the essence. So screw the form. Destroy and rebuild. Just like in the [thing that has also reconfigured].. Release your attachment to the form, because both attachment and form are causing pain. Let the right form come in for right now. Let’s tear shit apart. Come on!”
That was just what I needed to hear.
Next time I might…
Remember this.
If I need to have a highly emotionally fraught meeting the day before my period, maybe a good plan would be not wearing eye makeup?
JUST A THOUGHT.
Blubbering Raccoon-Eyed CEO, while a decent contender for our Fake Band Of The Week, is not really a flattering look.
At least, not for me. I like to think that I pulled it off, because: extenuating circumstances. And also, everyone else at the meeting was also in grief due to a variety of crappy life circumstances, so they weren’t judging me or anything. Still.
Listen to my uncle.
My infinitely wise uncle Svevo, also known as my favorite person in the entire world, said the following a few years ago: “I’ve found that it can be a lovely thing to give people an opportunity to be generous.”
I really like this, and oh man I also have so much trouble with it.
And to be honest, I still disagree with him, at least regarding the specific people he was referring to at the time, since I have more information than he does about their nonexistent ability to separate giving from strings.
However, I want to get better at this, in general. This was my challenge this week, allowing people to be generous, and also recognizing that the gift is not just the act of generosity itself. There is also the gift of allowing it, letting it in, letting someone be kind. Hard stuff.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Tripping. Both literally, and also like this.
- It’s an expensive habit, this shrinking thing. I like my costumes! Shhh, it’s clothing. I want them to fit.
- Still worn out from last week.
- Worked straight through the entire weekend. Swore, again, that it wouldn’t happen again. Emergencies. Etc.
- Oooooof, technology. I relied on you and ignored other evidence, and that was a mistake.
- Monsters in steady negotiations, which was hugely useful, but not fun while it was happening.
- People driving while on the phone. Terrifying incident that was nearly a huge car accident, and then about six different people nearly ran me over this week. I am a paranoid pedestrian, and that saved my life each time. Oh, my heart.
- Big interactions with DREAD. The meeting. The dentist.
- The mystery of Wow It Is So Very Difficult For Me To Enjoy Or Even Rest Into Accomplishment, as I immediately focus on what is Yet To Be Done.
- Playmate was being funny about how hard I have been working on this, and it was hilarious but also too close to true: “That makes me picture you punching into the saddest job at the saddest factory ever. Like a crying factory. They manufacture sads. You’re a sads factory! Long, long shifts makin’ sads. Inspecting sads, making sure they’re super sad quality sads.” YEP THAT’S ME.
- The mattress.
- Too much sitting.
- Agent Aldrich told me this wonderful thing that she heard: “You are not the roadblock’s lawyer”. Ahahahah. I think I have been doing way too much pro bono work for the roadblocks. Defending the things that aren’t working.
- These miracles are amazing, and: I need something on a larger scale.
- The dream I had where I had to plan and organize a sit-down dinner for Britney Spears. Because I’m an events coordinator!
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission is live! All that work, and it is here!
- Miracles. Many, many, many miracles.
- Operation Radiate Smiles aka [dentist] went really, really well. Nothing but good news. Plus: Heated massage chair. Also, they love silent retreat. Turns out they don’t like asking you those questions anymore than we like not-being-able-to-answer-them.
- Insanely productive. I don’t ever want to work hours like this again, but there was zoom and flow.
- Spend every day at my favorite cafe until it closed. Goodbye, sweet monkey.
- The meeting went better than I could have possibly imagined, despite (or: including?) the fact that I cried through the entire thing.
- Kindness. Love. Support. Sweetness.
- The people who are coming to the Alphabet Carousel are people I adore. This is going to be EVEN MORE FUN than I’d imagined.
- Having expectations blown away.
- My weird and mysterious wine allergy (not actually talking about wine) disappeared magically, and now I might even be crazier about wine (still not wine) than before.
- Undoing old patterns and replacing them with better ones.
- The Floop! I love the Floop.
- Everything is going to be okay.
- Sometimes things turn out better than expected.
- Stickers! Thanks, Magda!
- Drinks and catching up with Noah, my cousin, who is the best.
- Long, slow yoga in the park.
- Monsieur LeBlanc made sure I was well-fed when it was mission-critical.
- I made a hard decision, and acted on it. ALL THE SPARKLEPOINTS FOR ME.
- I get a small time off (aka time inward) in September.
- Substituesfau! The Vicar and I are the funniest.
- The Fountain.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had it accidentally, and it is the one I want now and forever.
We were prepping for the meeting, and H said, “My ideal situation is X, which would be amazing, but who knows, maybe she’ll propose something even better.”
And I thought: HUH. I want the superpower of thinking that. About everything.
I’d really like it to go this way, but who knows, I’m also receptive to an even better solution.
And then it happened.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of giving people the opportunity to be generous.
The superpower of remembering that there could be an even better solution, and being open to it.
The superpower of being able to enjoy accomplishment, instead of just seeing how much more there is left to do.
These all might be related.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of Or Maybe Something Even Better.
Receptive and present.
This salve opens up tight places with such complete gentleness that there is no tension and no resistance. It is a soft dissolving and then a reconfiguring of space. Like a magic touch. You feel supported and loved.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Infinite Booty Shakes
Thanks, Chloe. I can dance all night when they’re playing.
Though of course… it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys! The Alphabet Carousel is here! It glows with love and features buttmonsters gleefully riding letters of the alphabet, because that is exactly what Rally feels like.
The page tells you all about the new way we are doing Rallies, a one-time experiment for this coming year, as well as the date of the Very Last Ever Havi-Verbed Rally.
During First Sail Days (which is NOW), you can get entrance to all the new rallies for about the price of just one. There is a raffle and prizes. First 12 people who sign up get a special Rally care package.
(We’re close to 12 but say you came from the chicken and I will count you anyway.)
HERE IS THE PAGE: https://fluentself.com//alphabetabutt
The password: whee
That’s the sound that a buttmonster makes while riding on a C! Please make joyful happy sounds with me about this finally being ready!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #212: there’s got to be a better rhyme for that.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
It is known that I am not in favor of using acronyms (unless they are silly and you can make fun words out of them and they are for your own use).
This one is too much fun, and it is just for me, and it is absurd. Therefore I approve it. And I will not expect you to remember what it means.
I have an announcement.
And I am going to try to sneak it in somewhere in this post.
Operation SHBOTW.
I dearly want a writing retreat.
Not to go on a retreat. To go off on my own, be alone, and write. Not in problem-solving mode. Me and the notebook.
This feels like an absolutely ridiculous thing to ask for, given the urgent Situation At Hand and the current State of Affairs, and the Big Crisis that needs to be solved.
But it is what I want, and I am planting it.
I am calling it Operation Ship Havi Bell Off To Write, or: SHBOTW
It’s pronounced like fatwah: sh’batwah!
It is fun to say.
And I want it I want it I want it I want it so badly.
But in order for it to even be a possibility, I first need to take care of monies for the Situation before I can even think about this. Which means Operation Save Our Ship, Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter, Operation Alphabet Buttmonster Carousel, and Operation Wall of Squoosh all need my attention. So that’s pretty overwhelming.
Anyway, this is what I want.
What do I know about this?
It is too much to think when so much is going on. I have the biggest monsters about every aspect of this.
So the real thing that needs to happen is for me to believe that this is a legitimate want to want.
This means: talking it out with the monsters, and coming up with an OOD. This might need to happen in secret agent code, and I think a proxy would help too.
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Ease. Spaciousness. Presence. Turning Inward. Grounding. Play. Receptivity. Glow.
And the superpower or sankalpa of Everything Is Working Out Perfectly and I Can See The Good.
What might help?
Writing. Just writing about this. Asking more questions. Being curious. Rolling around on the floor. Conducting. Being in the compass.
What else might help?
Keep up the Divertissement, and trust that it is a fractal flower for this.
But mainly I think this is about fear, and the best way for me to meet fear is with legitimacy and kindness.
I’m playing with…
What if it is okay to want what I want? What if it is okay to want the essence of it? What if there are all kinds of ways that I can connect to the essence?
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- REJOICING for the long-awaited website redesign (have you seen it?!).
- A new solution for ear plugs. The one I found works but is inelegant. Bond Girl wants a secret compartment.
- Heinzelmännchen Wrecking Crew! This is my cover story for a new project, and it is really helping.
- Finish the stompy rewrites.
- Be brave enough to tell the story that is not the story.
- Maybe I will write about Operation Resilience or Toldot. Which is funny because Operation Resilience is the Toldot of Havi Bell.
- Infinite Booty Shakes! Thanks, Chloe
- What do we know about the City of Vista? This is both a proxy and not, you are welcome to share things.
- I am celebrating SIX MONTHS of silence, and ONE YEAR of being a bell. Except I don’t know how to celebrate either of them, other than laughing hysterically. I would like a ritual to reveal itself.
- Oh, more of this, please. Joyful sleep for Havi Bell.
- Ticking off boxes on the Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement in the secret location.
- Intention. Everything is working out perfectly. I see the good everywhere, and I appreciate it.
- This is where I live.
- KAROOOOH
- Joyful enthusiasm for the HAT and the carousel! So much excited excitement, please!
- Guess what, YOU GUYS?! I am ready to tell you about the Alphabet Carousel!!! That was the announcement. And the password is what buttmonsters riding an alphabet carousel say: whee
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Quiet. Confidence. Clarity. Love. Steadiness. Plenty. Trust. Laughter.
And the superpower of I Can Do This, Let’s Make It Happen.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I can say KAROOOOH! KAROOOOH! I might even sing the britney spears smurfs song to it: will you be my karoooolala?
And I can try remember WHY we are doing this. So that I can a) KAROOOOH and so that I can call Beautiful Bee and tell her that I want to have an adventure again.
I’m playing with…
Seriously, making the chorus of the Britney Spears smurfs song into my Karooooh-la-la anthem.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka not exactly that but something to do with it.
Oh man, last-week-me was so amazing and didn’t even know it.
Thanks to her, I now have the Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement (explanation in the Chicken), and I got more done this week than I ever have ever, other than at Rally.
I re-organized the Vault (closet) according to personalities instead of type of clothing. I stopped worrying about the key, I found two temporary solutions for ear plugs, I had joyful sleep and I decorated the HAT! Plus I finished the HAT.
Plus I had a beach day.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #261: you have to say it with an outrageously exaggerated French accent
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
So even though I’ve been doing this for five whole years (and a week!), sometimes it still happens that I get to Friday and think:
“Oof, what’s the point. I might as well just write “HEY THIS WEEK SUCKED, HOW WAS YOURS” and leave it at that.”
And then, eventually, I remember that it is the act of processing that is the ritual. And also what reminds me about the good. This is hilarious, since my sankalpa or intention this week was “I can see the good”.
So let’s look at what was, and maybe we will see the good. At the very least, we will have played, and that in and of itself is part of the good.
What worked?
SITE REDESIGN, you guys!
I’ve had the Fluent Self site since August 2005! This is our first redesign since putting the blog on the main page in 2008, and I am so excited!
This is so exactly what I need in my life right now! Newness. Spaciousness. Freshness. Clarity. New beginning. Starting. Sweetness. SPACE. Ahhhhhhhh breath of fresh air.
This has been in the works forever but has not been high priority because of [all the things], and then suddenly it was able to happen! This is a great example (for me) of how aesthetic changes impact my mood and my internal space.
Click through to take a look if you’re reading this in your email. And please share any qualities you see or add your happy joyful sighs to mine. I would like to celebrate this.
OODS. Seriously. Wow.
This week I had big projects missions that were kind of out of control.
Every time I got lost or overwhelmed, I used the OOD and got back to what I needed.
OOD-ing was a lifesaver.
The Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement!!!
In this week’s Very Personal Ads aka Visions of Possibility and Anticipation, I planted a wish that had something to do with a contest or a game.
What resulted was the Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement, pictured here, which now lives in an Undisclosed Secret Location.
Divertissement! You have to say it with an outrageously exaggerated French accent.
Agent Mueller and I are getting stuff done and ticking off boxes, which is the best part.
10 of the 42 squares are complete! This is way more fun than “this week we did an insane amount of work”.
Next time I might…
Remember that heat is hard on me.
It was a billion degrees (approximately) in Portal Land this week, and my body doesn’t like it. But mostly my mind doesn’t like it because of some really rough summers in Tel Aviv. I associate extreme heat with All The Hard Things.
Then I am hard on myself because I can’t function. This is silly.
As soon as I remember (see: the Book of Me) that heat makes me kinda crazed, I also remember to meet what I’m going through with legitimacy, patience, a little more sweetness.
Remember that Fire Drill days are releasing days.
Crying is just as good a form of release as anything else.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- A continuation of the impossibly busy dreams, except these were all super surreal and not related to The Current Stressful Situation.
- The Incident at the Agency. Which then grew into Trouble at the Agency.
- Trouble with both the quality of Agency, and with the Other Agency that my Agency is currently in connection with.
- Feeling wary and exhuasted about the above. There’s a leak? A mole? Does this go… all the way to the top?! It was all Burn Notice Season 6 in my head this week.
- Trying to meet this situation with compassion but also being so very much in my stuff about it.
- Monsters still going strong. Negotiations and safe rooms were needed.
- Not connected to what I want, second-guessing everything.
- The perception of attack. That word, it is not a good word. There were huge hacking attempts on this site during the week. Someone tried to hack into my Twitter account multiple times. This was a theme on various levels.
- Going out to dinner, I started to put on makeup and then thought, “Oh honey, you’re just going to cry it off in the next ten minutes anyway.”
- Space issues. And the business next door is using our entrance as their storage area, and apparently there is nothing we can do about that.
- Sad about my favorite cafe being knocked down.
- Beach day was not like beach day. The one thing in the world that is guaranteed to make everything better, being at my beloved Pacific Ocean, didn’t work. I went there and I didn’t feel better. I was there all day and cried all day. That has never happened before. I don’t even know what to think about this.
- None of my clothes fit anymore. They are all too large, thanks in part to the past eighteen months of One Spectacular Loss After Another, and the past few months of Oh Actually This Is Even Harder. Given a choice, I will take too large over too small, but right now I have nothing to wear and this is driving me crazy.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission is going really, really well.
- And we’re almost done with it!
- Progress on Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter.
- The Spiral Caper Divertissement made work more fun this week.
- Walking in the park with Agent Mueller.
- M. LeBlanc arranged a vehicle and took me to the coast for Surprise Beach Day. Even though I was going through a lot of grieving and cried the entire time, it was still really beautiful.
- Also we made a bonfire and burned a bunch of things that needed to be burned. May everything that is done be done. And that was good.
- Dance.
- A heart full of appreciation, gratitude and love for so many things.
- A letter from Marisa-in-Colorado that was so beautiful it made me cry. Happy tears, we are switching it up!
- Julie, my dance instructor, said I have sexy feet. I don’t know how to describe what a mind-blowing moment this was so just imagine that someone thinks [a part of your physical appearance that you have stuff about] is marvelous. It was weird and good.
- Even though I wasn’t able to make Tuesfau with the Vicar, I am so happy to have the Vicar in my life.
- I am here, and — most of the time, at least — happy to be here, breathing into it, even when it’s hard.
- I was able to see how my Stuff and someone else’s Stuff were functioning as plug and outlet, and work on my part of it.
- Interrupting patterns.
- Saying what I want/need and having that be okay.
- New photo for the new site. Richard took it in the park on his phone, and I am feeling good about it, and that is a nice way to feel.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of play.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of finding the good.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of however it turns out, it’s going to be okay.
Trust and release.
This salve is sweetly reassuring. You don’t really notice the difference until all of a sudden, everything is okay because it just is. This is how things are right now, this is you receiving, adjusting sails. You blink through the tears and smile and breathe. It’s going to be okay.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivered enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Mitten Full Of Crazy
Thanks, Richard. I’m assuming they’re from Michigan. And since I am also from Michigan, I am going to assume that it’s a rockabilly band made up of people I went to high school with.
Except that makes no sense, because it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
I will have the new HAT up by Sunday!
In the meantime, I will remind you about the shop and the Sail of Emptying.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
A month of archways and openings. July.
I am following a pull towards something new in my ritual of paying attention to each month.
Instead of entering and exiting the month, I think I want to back off a little and just notice things about my relationship with it.
That means both July in general and also this July in particular.
Not a hello, not a goodbye. Not even necessarily an interaction. Just quietly observing from the side. Which I guess is its own kind of interaction. A quieter one.
Which is weirdly fitting, given that I’ve been living in silence for six months now. Everything else is getting quieter, why not this.
My relationship with July.
What do I know about July?
About me and July? Us. Together.
Last July…
Last July I asked for things that begin and do not begin with P, and I do not remember how that went. I do remember that July had a lot of sad endings, and also that I learned how to play (and playdate) in an entirely new way, and that I embarked on the beginning of a coronation.
I am pleased to report backwards to me-of-one-year-ago that we are much more at home in both Passion and Perseverence (two of the P-words that I was working with), and that the thing that hurt so much then is okay now. Thinking about it, I smile a wistful loving smile at what was, but I do not feel the the “hurting shards of heart-truth” anymore.
That was July last year.
This July is new.
Experiences and wishes I bring with me from June into July…
- The roses and the rose gardens.
- Outdoors as much as possible.
- Dance every day.
- Operation Thrive A.M.
- Emptying and Replenishing.
- Operation Serenity: Serenity, Empty, Replenish, Ease, Newness, Insight (In Sight!), Trust, Yes.
- Troosie.
- Trying on the costume of I Am Malibu Barbie, and discovering all kinds of things that I like that I did not think that I would like.
- I smile at doorways, flirt with fountains, delight in noticing the aliveness of being alive.
- The Spy Who Loved Me. Both as the exact right color of nail polish, and the actual spy, loving me.
What I want from this July.
Let this be the month of Openings.
The month of Apertures and Archways.
Pathways appearing where there were no visible pathways before.
If a new (and better) door opens when one closes, this is the time for the new doors to reveal themselves.
A month of sustenance and simplicity, archways and openings.
More specifically, I want…
- Writing time and yoga time: centerpiece of my day.
- Openings and archways.
- I see a path that I didn’t see before, and I love it!
- Ha, this can totally work.
- Undoing rules about what is possible.
- Joyful playtime in the sun.
- Wishcrafting and OOD-ing in companionship.
- Be Like Water, Havi Bell.
- There is time.
- Relief. Reprieve. Time out. Time off. Time in.
A compass of qualities for July.
Sustenance. Simplicity. Trust. Receiving. Firm footing. Calm. Possibility. Pathways and Openings.
Superpowers for July.
I trust harder, deeper, more powerfully and more easily than I have ever trusted before.
What I need is right here.
I can suddenly see the doorways and openings that are already available to me that for whatever reason I have not been able to see until now.
I am a bell.
Meeting everything with love. I remember how to do this. I remember that I can do this.
Checking the app.
What does the Stompopolis calendar hold?
This month’s quality: RESONANCE.
Of course, that will help me be a bell.
And the superpower of Steady Replenishing.
Naming the moon.
A tradition I borrowed from Waverly. More about how I do it.
The Moon of Spirals.
What would I like to be new about my relationship with July.
I’m ready to be done with Summer Dread.
I’m ready to embark on the adventure of Summers Off, and finding out how that can happen. I’m also thinking about not being in Portal Land during the summer, we’ll see how that plays out.
Mainly I would like to be outdoors, with feet in the sand or on the ground. I want to be breathing, writing, rolling in the grass, stretching, exploring and napping.
I am slowly rewriting my history of summer as The Time When The Bad Stuff Happens, and I think the next step in this is more spaciousness, more room for play. Less tightness. And not teaching. That is important.
Also a big piece of July is the 4th of July, American Independence Day, and the fireworks that are so terrifying and traumatic for me. So part of what needs to change in July is REFUGE. I need to be somewhere else so that I can give myself shelter and refuge.
This is what I am planting, with curiosity, presence and love.
May it be so.
Want to play?
You can deposit notes, observations, wishes, or whatever you like for July or about your relationship with July.
We are not dogmatic here. There is no one right way. Play any way you like.
Something that gives me great pleasure and comfort is how we have managed to cultivate that incredibly rare thing that is safe space on the internet. It lives here, and it’s a really big deal. We achieve that safety through not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. Presence, legitimacy, room for everyone to experience what they’re experiencing as they’re experiencing it.
So thank you. Love, as always, to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and everyone who reads. You’re my community, and I treasure that.
Visions #211: not exactly that but something to do with it.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
The theme of this week is Something To Do With….
My wants are emerging from feeling and instinct, but I’m not sure where they’re going yet. So I’m reminding myself that this is okay. They will take shape or they won’t.
Either way, I’m collecting clues. So if all I have is “something to do with”, let’s start with that and see where it goes.
Something to do with Spaciousness.
I noticed when we were getting ready for the Sail of Yard how much fun it is to wonder around my home, just adoring it.
Noticing various small and large changes that whisper to me. This desire for change comes from love and sweetness. Creativity that emerges from spaciousness. I am receptive to new possibilities because a) I don’t have an agenda and b) I am not in a hurry.
And then whooosh, ideas. Suddenly I want that wall to be yellow. Or I know where the desk needs to go.
Normally there’s too much on my mind/plate/list. I don’t leisurely explore my space, just listening.
Agent White, who gets Actual Summer Vacation (see last week’s wish!), has been doing nothing but changing up his space, and you can just see how everything in his life glows with serenity and congruence. It’s the time and space to both have the ideas and act on them.
I want some of that. Not the space-changing, though I want that too. It’s more about OPENINGS.
I want SPACE. I want space in the sense of physical space and space in the sense of time. And I want to use this space / these spaces to do quietly pleasurable things and see what happens.
To take a bus line and see where it goes. To wander in search of a just-right sandwich. To write and write and write. Space.
Something to do with Contests.
Not so much contests as that thing about Crossing Off All The Boxes and Then There Is A Prize.
And no one can add any more boxes! Once you are done, that is it!
It isn’t a board game, but maybe it is like a board game. This is so elusive! Do I have an example?
At [Whatsit], they do this thing where you and a partner come to class X times within Y dates, and then you both get a prize. The prize is usually nothing much, but checking off the boxes is delicious.
It just feels good. To the point that even when you don’t want to be there you think, “Hey, another box!” I’m not sure why this is cheering. It just is.
I want to apply this to the Three Gigantic Operations that Agent Mueller and I are working on as part of the larger op of Save Our Ship.
What if we did something like this and there was an end date and there were boxes to tick?
And the prize was something good, like [a certain thing related to Vicarage]?
And what if the sheet with the boxes lived on a board in the Secret Space? Just like in Life.
Something to do with organizing by identity instead of by type.
I am feeling a very strong desire to re-order the Vault.
The Vault is the Identity Vault. Most people would think of it as a closet or a place that holds clothing.
I originally wrote “hides clothing”, which is super interesting…
Right now it is organized by type. The categories are either type of clothing (shorts!) or use (studio!). Types go together. Jeans go here. This is where dresses go. Roller derby shirts are here. Clothes for yoga/working-out go there. Like that.
I’m thinking now of organizing by identity. An aspect of me who wants to express herself.
Please note that there is a difference between multiple personalities and multiple personality disorder. There is no disorder here. Other than in my closet, which is a total mess.
Hahahaha I am the comedienne of things that are not funny.
This is a playful, conscious, delight-filled experimentation in expressing aspects of who I am.
So. Not every character in the pantheon of selves needs separate closet space.
Ms. Bell and The Director pretty much wear all the same things. It doesn’t look the same on them, but their taste is nearly identical.
Malibu Barbie and Bratty Smooches have very different personalities, but they both like cropped tops and bright colors, and they’re always going to reach for that tiny hot pink miniskirt. Lady Bond is going to take anything Bond Girl wears and add jewelry. The Dancer takes from everything.
Anyway, what if the Vault was divided into persona rather than type of clothing? No more going through “pants” to see what Ms. Bell wants. She is not going to want bright orange corduroy skinny jeans or fluorescent magenta leggings. Something about identity….
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Spaciousness. Reconfiguring. Trust. Truth (as in: being true to myself, following instinct). Plenty. Possibility. Play. Receptivity.
And the superpower or sankalpa of I Follow The Instinctive Pull of My Deepest Desires And See Where It Takes Me.
What might help?
Like last time, the OODs.
Playing with yoga nidra. Writing it out. Asking more questions. Being curious.
What else might help?
Just start.
Make a board game, and change it later. Reconfigure the Vault, and change it later. Play. Play!
Do it to music.
I’m playing with…
The idea that I don’t have to have all the information. “Something to do with X” is enough to begin exploring. I can get results (!) without having figured it all out.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- A necklace for the key.
- A secret compartment for ear plugs!
- Joyful sleep for Havi Bell.
- There are steps and I am taking them, and this feels good.
- Trust, trust and more trust.
- I remember to play.
- This is where I live.
- The HAT is decorated!
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Pleasure. Presence. Steadiness. Release. Welcoming. Undoing. Precision. Laughter.
And the superpower of It’s All Falling Into Place.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Bounce bounce bounce! Taking it to the rose garden.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka there is definitely room in the pot.
Last week I wanted so many things and had to just throw them all into the pot.
I had a realization about why Monday Beach Day is not happening, and it has to do with San Diego.
Knowing that I want Summers Off (because I am a teacher too, dammit) has changed how I make decisions about everything! So even though I don’t know how to make it happen yet, having it as a beacon is turning out to be hugely helpful.
I wanted to celebrate Five Whole Years of the Friday Chicken, and I did a bunch of writing about it, which I might share here or maybe not. But it felt really important to process.
Then I wanted to be at the Monkey as much as possible, and I was there every day. And I wanted to breathe Sustenance and Possibility, and be a bell. And: YES. This happened all week.
Thank you, last-week me! And thank you, everyone who reads for making this a strong container for discovery, experimentation, play and change. The more I work on my stuff, the more I realize how powerful it is to have community. Lots of love to you guys for being here to play with.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox