What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Visions #214: San Miguel
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
This week’s wish is complicated. I will have to follow some threads and see where they lead, because I am not sure how I can know what I want about this if I don’t know what it is.
Though who knows, maybe I can.
Maybe this is really about desire. About the (self-granted) permission to want without knowing why, or what the wanting means. Maybe this wish has to do with remembering that fantastic-sounding things are possible, that anything can hold treasure.
Time to explore. What do I want?
Where in the world is San Miguel?
This question makes me laugh because it makes me think of Carmen San Diego, which combines a favorite color and a (secretly) favorite place.
And also because apparently there are endless San Miguels.
So the original question (“Where is San Miguel?”) ends up becoming a new question: Which San Miguel?
And: Why do I need to know about it? Or maybe, also: What do I need to know about it?
San Miguel. San Miguel.
It showed up in a dream.
Did you know? Ever since I went silent, my dreams began to take on aspects of silent retreat as well.
Until they completely transitioned and now I no longer speak in my dreams. That is, I speak the way I do in real life. Through smiling, nodding, scribbling notes, laughing.
My dreams are written now, like my life.
And the dream of San Miguel was all in Hebrew, because it took place in Tel Aviv. I will translate.
The dream about San Miguel.
Ehud and I were at the Shoftim pub. Sitting at the bar. Late afternoon. He was looking at me, eyebrow raised: Nu? So?
I pulled out my notebook: I’ve decided not to keep studying. I’m done.
Ehud: Not to chew? You don’t want to chew?
Me: To STUDY. They don’t even look alike.
Ehud: Your handwriting is a mess.
Me (affectionately): Idiot.
Ehud: So what are you going to do instead?
Me: I don’t know.
Ehud: But this means you’re leaving, right? Where are you going?
Me: San Miguel.
Ehud: Where’s that, South America?
Me (baffled): I guess I’m not sure? Shit. I should probably figure that part out.
Ehud: But you’re really going…
Me: That’s the plan.
Then we both laughed. And then I thought I have go to see [x] and tell him I’m leaving the city, and then I remembered that he is dead, and then my heart was so sad. And I knew even more that San Miguel was the right place for me.
What do I know about this?
- It wasn’t a dream about San Miguel. It was a dream about Tel Aviv. In which San Miguel makes an appearance. As an idea.
- This is the third dream I’ve had about quitting grad school. Even though the last time I even considered grad school was at least a decade ago.
- When I dream something several times in a row: consequences. Consequences? Results. Things move. That’s how I ended up moving to Berlin and San Francisco.
- This is not a repeat-dream, not the same dream. Just the same theme.
- San Miguel might well be a metaphorical place, like Bolivia.
- Hilariously, there is a San Miguel in Bolivia. Real-Bolivia, not metaphorical Bolivia.
- I am NOT moving to Bolivia, by the way. You couldn’t pay me enough to consider it. I’m talking mostly about the metaphorical one, but right now they’re so close in my mind…let’s just say no Bolivia.
- I once had a brief bittersweet love story with someone named Juan Miguel, which is not the same but… free associating is all I’ve got.
- There is a San Miguel in the central coast of California, a place that my former partner in crime and I talk about a lot. And the place Jonathan Stone disappeared to, during the period of the Mysterious Disappearing Stones.
- In the dream, my feeling towards San Miguel was warm and hopeful, despite the fact that I didn’t know anything about it or why I was going there.
What don’t I know?
Um. Everything.
That probably is not true. But my perception right now is of vast unmapped territory, and the sweet call of the road. What the Israeli poet Nathan Alterman called “the melody you tried in vain to neglect”.
So let’s start with San Miguel.
You are welcome, anyone reading, to share any and all things you know about San Miguel! Any San Miguel.
What do I want to happen next?
I am going to use San Miguel as a proxy. A stand-in for all my wishes and dreams.
And investigate.
What would change if I took my sweet San Miguels seriously. If I acted like I was going to follow them?
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Delight. Safety. Presence. Glowing. Wholeness.
And the superpowers or sankalpa of Anything Is An Adventure and What I Want Is Possible.
What might help?
I’m sticking with the OODs.
I will play on the Floop.
I will talk to Agent Wilkinson about my secret wishes, the ones that I do know something about.
I’m playing with…
There is a version of me who knows. There is a part of me who trusts. There is a me who can take steps without having to know all the details. There is a me who has ALREADY BEEN to San Miguel, and can tell me what I need to know.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- This week is the First Fountain. So. FOUNTAINING.
- WHAT IF WHAT I WANT IS POSSIBLE?! What if I already have aspects of it in ways that I don’t even realize? What if its qualities exist in many possible and accessible forms?
- Keep up the left-handed texting.
- Redo 404?
- More prelaxation!
- Operation Wall of Squoosh. Tiny steps.
- Everything is sorted. SORTED!
- Preparation for Operation Bond And/In/Around Bend.
- I watched Glee and I MAPPED (shh, napped), and woke up with a really big clew that is so big that I can’t process it here because it scares me. Well, it does not scare me. Its (potential) implications scare me. I want to play with this clew.
- UMIIO. Unless Mood/Inclination Indicate Otherwise.
- Toldot.
- Back to AIR(plane) mode. Access Internal Resonance. By putting the phone in airplane mode.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Synthesis. Resonance. Remembering. Releasing. Grounding. Play. Wisdom. Plenty.
And the superpower of Things Resolve Themselves While I Am Not Looking And Then I Laugh For Hours.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
How can quiet solve this?
ANNOUNCEMENT.
The Alphabet Buttmonster Carousel — a pass to as many rallies as you can make it to this year for the cost of a little more than one Rally — IS the most exciting thing and unusual thing I have ever offered. Password: whee
First Sail days (where all the bonuses live) go until August 16th, which is in A FEW DAYS.
I broke all of my rules about pricing resonance in doing this. I went way, way, way below the Lowest Possible Number, because we were in an emergency.
I fully anticipate that each of these Carousel Rallies is going to be even more incredible than regular Rallies, because of a variety of reasons that I will tell you about later. So if you can make it to more-than-one, do this. It’s the best deal we’re ever going to have on this ever. By a lot.
This is THE WEEK where this extremely unusual price is still happening (you can also do nine payments). But after this week, that is no more. I don’t usually give a heads up on these things. This is it. <3
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka sustenance and synthesis.
Last week I asked for something about sustenance and synthesis, and that was wonderful, because this past week has been significantly less rocky than the past few months, even though nothing has noticeably improved. My ability to respond with internal peacefulness has improved.
There was an ask about rewriting the perception of AMBUSHED, and that worked really well. I processed the hell out of it on the Floop, and am feeling so much better about all the ambushes.
There was something about Isolated Occurrences, Not Trends. And I was able to remember that the thing that is happening is just the thing that is happening, nothing more.
I wanted to find the treasure in the hard things, and I did. And I wanted big progress on Siegfried the Magic Otter, and that happened. Thank you, last-week-me, and thank you, Very Personal Ads, for making sure that I plant some new seeds now and then.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #263: I am a bush
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
It is Friday.
I am not sure how, but it is.
So.
What worked?
Accidental This Is Good.
I was able to notice this week when things that seem “not good” ended up having positive effects.
That coding error I made on the site for [project] ended up doing a thing that looked really cool! So then I was able to have R incorporate that into the design after fixing the code.
Going in the “wrong” direction meant a neat discovery!
Like that. Similarly….
Working with What Is.
What if I’m not off my game when I think I’m off my game?
What if there is no such thing as being off my game, because if that’s how I’m playing (or that’s how I can play) right now, that IS the game!
This meant taking something I’ve worked on in my yoga practice for years (if I’m tired, cranky or low-energy, I adjust my practice to work with that) and making it real.
It was hugely challenging, and also: that’s the game.
This meant napping when I thought I should be working. This meant recovery time when all the monsters said NO-TIME-NO-TIME. This meant taking things slowly. But I wasn’t off my game. The game just changed.
Investigating.
I perceived a lot of things as AMBUSHES this week, and instead of getting sucked into wheel-grinding about “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is everyone ambushing me?!”, I was able to pause and investigate.
I used the Floop (my Floating Playground community), and processed. Learned some things. Including that Am Bush is a funny word, and I am a bush.
I am a bush. I am an island.
Next time I might…
Ask for help sooner.
A lot of hard things this week.
They got better when I asked for help. I asked Agent W to meet me at the train station when I was still feeling shaky about Horrible Thing. I asked Agent Mueller to sit with me at the Playground.
More asking. And sooner.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Ambushes! And perceptions of ambushes.
- The worst meeting in the entire world.
- Being completely blindsided. Thinking the agenda was one thing and learning it was another.
- Terrifying incident of street harassment threw me deep into my stuff.
- A whole truckload of news I did not want.
- All the agents from all the agencies were hugely in their stuff this week.
- The almost-end of a relationship.
- The mystery of I Am Still Having Dreams About Quitting Grad School, even though I have never been in this situation and the last time I even remotely considered another degree was maybe ten years ago.
- Loss.
- Between the Agenda Ambush in the Worst Meeting Ever, the Street Harassment Ambush and the emotional ambush of everyone I love being in their stuff, I was not able to do any of the things I planned to do this week. None of the work, and none of the play.
- Tired. Sad. Still waiting for some good news.
- It is unbearably hot, and I do not have air conditioning, and everything is that much harder in the heat.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission! Even though we had to extend First Sail Days because I was not able to do any of the things, I am really excited about this. And everyone who is coming is pretty much all my favorite people. This year is going to be amazing.
- Glamour.
- A beautiful gift from Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency.
- It seemed like there was no compromise, no Third Way, because I have to have X or I get a little crazy, and the other person has to have Y or they get a little crazy. And X and Y cannot co-exist. But then we found a way for X and Y to temporarily co-exist! We invented a new form! Hooray for creativity, love and experimentation.
- Richard and I had the World’s Most Productive Meeting, which helped to rewrite some of the lingering effects of the World’s Most Horrible Meeting.
- Remembering that I am in the Sovereignty Industry, not the Care-Taking Industry.
- True friends.
- Filling Out Forms (shhh, it’s yoga) at the Playground.
- It’s like a honeymoon, only better.
- Untangling things that are stuck.
- Card from Leni! Thank you.
- An Agent prepared food for me for the week.
- I had moments where I could believe that this is all working out perfectly, even though I don’t know how.
- Body is happy.
- Spare room is painted and looks amazing!
- Tomatoes from the garden. Flowers everywhere.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had the superpower of Trusting My Instinct, and I had it in a really funny and perfect way.
I was yoga-nidra-ing in the park, and suddenly had the strongest feeling that I needed to flip over onto my belly.
Despite all kiwi injunctions to remain “still and immobile, like a statue”.
So I flip over, and a couple of seconds later there’s a shout, and a stray ball from the kickball game is flying STRAIGHT AT MY FACE.
I was able to bat it away with my hand, but if I were still on my back it would have hit me in the head. Hard.
It was a perfect real-life incident of “Suddenly Michael was struck by something he remembered from his childhood.” If you are not an Arrested Development fan, then you do not think this is the funniest thing ever, and I apologize. Trust me. It is the funniest thing.
Suddenly I was (almost) struck by something I remembered from my childhood.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of supreme focus.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of trusting your instinct.
This salve dissolves exernal rules (and internalized rules) about how things should look or how you are supposed to supposedly be doing them. It softens things up and quiets them down, so that you can feel what you need. You can turn right when you are pulled to turn right. And you can trust that there is no way to turn wrong. It is a trust salve, and trust salves are quiet and they sparkle.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
Luckily there is no shortage of Fake Bands Of The Week, since they seem to be everywhere. Should you, however, ever find yourself in need of one, go with nail polish colors. They are ALL fake bands!
I am especially enamored with (seriously, these are awful) OPI’s Holland series, featuring things like…
Did You ‘Ear About Van Gogh, Gouda Gouda Two Shoes, I Don’t Give A Rotterdam, Wooden Shoe Like To Know, Kiss Me On My Tulips, Thanks A Windmillion, Vampsterdam, and A Roll In The Hague.
RIGHT?! Yes.
Any one of those could be a) just one guy, and b) the opening act for this week’s band:
Old Yiddish Viking
Their latest album, OYVEY, is actually an acronym and stands for Old Yiddish Viking. Eh? Yech.
Their music is loud, raucous and surprisingly catchy.
Though of course… it’s actually just one guy.
Thanks to Richard, for inventing this one. Also for living it.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys! The Alphabet Carousel is here!
This is not only the cheapest way to do Rallies, it is also the most fun.
We have extended First Sail Days, because I wasn’t able to do any of the things this week to tell people about them. So yay. You get to benefit from my week of Perceived Ambushes. And if you come to Rally, you will find yourself becoming someone who processes things and changes your relationship to them, which is the most useful life skill that I know of. Entrance to as many rallies as you can come to for about the price of just one. Plus a raffle and prizes.
Say you came from the chicken and I will count you as First Twelve.
HERE IS THE PAGE: https://fluentself.com//alphabetabutt
The password: whee
That’s the sound that a buttmonster makes while riding on a C! Which is also the cutest thing in the entire world.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #213: Sustenance and Synthesis
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
Wow. So. I got [something]-ed this weekend, in two different ways, and there is a lot of emotion about that. Two pretty unpleasant things happened, and this has thrown me for a loop and a half.
So it’s taken me a while to get here this week.
I’m going to use the “something to do with” format from a couple weeks ago.
And I am sitting with my wishes like I would with a scared cat. Gentleness. Patience.
Let’s see what can happen with gentleness and patience.
Something to do with rewriting this perception of being ambushed.
Ambushed? Sideswiped? Knocked off of something?
Something happens and then I lose my sense of grounding.
The word AMBUSH keeps showing up, and I don’t think it is the truth of what is happening, but it does accurately describe how I am perceiving both situations. So I want to look at that and investigate.
I want to respect the perception of scared-me that things/people/situations are against her, and at the same time I want to open up some room for remembering that everything that is against me is an illusion.
This might require the help of metaphor mouse.
Something about Sustenance and Synthesis.
These are the two qualities that I am working with (playing with!) this week.
I want to learn more about how they are related, and how I can use one to help with the other.
And I want these to be a healing.
Something about incidents versus trends.
When I had the sudden mysterious wine allergy (not a wine allergy!), a fellow agent said something that my imaginary wine therapist had also pointed out.
What if this is an isolated occurrence and not a trend?
I would like the spaciousness that comes with not assuming trend.
What happens when I let one [happening] be just that? And not jump into trying to problem-solve for a new way that things are?
That’s what I’m planting.
Something about finding the treasure.
Including in the Worst Meeting Ever, including in the ambush, including in the thing that happened on the way to dance class.
Not negating the pain of the experience. Not forcing myself to “count blessings” or find silver linings. Letting the hard be hard. Giving myself full permission to not like the experience.
And still receiving the treasure.
Interestingly, when I went to the park to skip stones, the card I drew was “Where is the treasure?”.
So. Where is the treasure? I am going to turn inward and be a bell of treasure and treasuring. And I am going to treasure the me who went through these experiences.
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Spaciousness. Sustenance. Synthesis. Sovereignty. Safety. Source. Smiling. Sensuality.
Not sure what’s up with the alliteration, but that’s what is here.
My little brother’s favorite S-word was SNAKE, speaking of S-words that are not S-words, so I will also throw in something about scales and the shedding of a skin when its job is done.
And the superpower or sankalpa of Everything That Is Against Me Is Illusion.
What might help?
I’m sticking with the OODs.
I am not going to meet with anyone ever again unless we have a clear agreement about what the agenda is. No more ambushes.
New route to dance class?
Things that start with S.
What else might help?
Cry. Laugh. Sleep. Dance it out. Write it out. Use the Floop!
I’m playing with…
The idea that this is not a set-back, this is part of right timing. It is a detour, but it is a useful one. What if I pretend this is true? How do my reactions and responses change?
Breathing trust and steadiness.
More time for conscious entry. And maybe a new costume.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Solutions for the Unsolved Monkey Problem. (not a band, or at least: not yet!)
- Keep up the left-handed texting.
- Visit Marlee for tiny little visits.
- CATSUIT?! Say yes.
- A new relationship with the visions.
- Trust, trust and more trust.
- I remember that I am in the sovereignty business, not in the care-taking business.
- On to the next HAT!
- Big progress on Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter.
- I discover what was useful and/or good about [the incidents] and about being derailed for four days, and this information delights me.
- Preparation for Operation Bond And/In/Around Bend.
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Trust. Presence. Ground. Undoing. Closing Circles. Comfort. Flow. Laughter.
And the superpower of I Have Everything I Need For This Mission.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Walking until I feel like something has moved. Napping. Quiet. Adding on layers of protection.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka there’s got to be a better rhyme for that.
Last week I had an audacious wish about Operation Ship Havi Bell Off To Write (SHBOTW!), and I actually made progress towards two small mini-versions of it. So it’s a start, and I am excited about that.
So many things I asked for happened, actually. That is a pleasant surprise, because in my mind this past week was a total loss. But that’s just because of what happened this weekend that erased all the good things in my memory. So thank you, last-week-me, and thank you, Very Personal Ads, for reminding me that actually things are moving.
The Heinzelmännchen Wrecking Crew was a huge help. I finished ALL the Stompy rewrites. There was great rejoicing for the website redesign. There was big time KAROOOOH.
I found the perfect way to celebrate a year of being a bell. And as for six months of silence, I am laughing happily about all the aspects of silence.
And! I told everyone about the Alphabet Carousel! <-- The password is whee
Now I just need to extend the deadline for First Sail Days, because my plan had been to spend the weekend writing about it, and that did not happen, because of the two-kinds-of-ambushed. It was a lot of week this week, for sure.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #262: let’s dot this baby?
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
That was supposed to be “let’s do this, baby” but “let’s dot this baby” is funnier. Though so is “Let’s dot this, baby”. Either one, really.
What worked?
Heinzelmännchen Wrecking Crew!
It’s ….me, and it’s also Just One Guy.
There were things that needed doing, and I didn’t want to do them.
And some of them were painful, because they were connected to a grand and beautiful vision that did not work out. I talked to Slightly Future Me about this, and she said I needed Heinzelmännchen.
Which was brilliant. I can be my own Heinzelmännchen!
Asking Incoming Me.
You know what else she said?
“Honey, you will feel so much better when this is done. And yes, it was a beautiful vision. Maybe some day something else happens with that vision. But what you’re working on now is the qualities behind the vision.
The vision was just a form. All forms change, reconfigure.
“But the qualities: your commitment to living quietly and mindfully and lovingly, being a radiant resonant bell. THAT is still the essence. So screw the form. Destroy and rebuild. Just like in the [thing that has also reconfigured].. Release your attachment to the form, because both attachment and form are causing pain. Let the right form come in for right now. Let’s tear shit apart. Come on!”
That was just what I needed to hear.
Next time I might…
Remember this.
If I need to have a highly emotionally fraught meeting the day before my period, maybe a good plan would be not wearing eye makeup?
JUST A THOUGHT.
Blubbering Raccoon-Eyed CEO, while a decent contender for our Fake Band Of The Week, is not really a flattering look.
At least, not for me. I like to think that I pulled it off, because: extenuating circumstances. And also, everyone else at the meeting was also in grief due to a variety of crappy life circumstances, so they weren’t judging me or anything. Still.
Listen to my uncle.
My infinitely wise uncle Svevo, also known as my favorite person in the entire world, said the following a few years ago: “I’ve found that it can be a lovely thing to give people an opportunity to be generous.”
I really like this, and oh man I also have so much trouble with it.
And to be honest, I still disagree with him, at least regarding the specific people he was referring to at the time, since I have more information than he does about their nonexistent ability to separate giving from strings.
However, I want to get better at this, in general. This was my challenge this week, allowing people to be generous, and also recognizing that the gift is not just the act of generosity itself. There is also the gift of allowing it, letting it in, letting someone be kind. Hard stuff.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Tripping. Both literally, and also like this.
- It’s an expensive habit, this shrinking thing. I like my costumes! Shhh, it’s clothing. I want them to fit.
- Still worn out from last week.
- Worked straight through the entire weekend. Swore, again, that it wouldn’t happen again. Emergencies. Etc.
- Oooooof, technology. I relied on you and ignored other evidence, and that was a mistake.
- Monsters in steady negotiations, which was hugely useful, but not fun while it was happening.
- People driving while on the phone. Terrifying incident that was nearly a huge car accident, and then about six different people nearly ran me over this week. I am a paranoid pedestrian, and that saved my life each time. Oh, my heart.
- Big interactions with DREAD. The meeting. The dentist.
- The mystery of Wow It Is So Very Difficult For Me To Enjoy Or Even Rest Into Accomplishment, as I immediately focus on what is Yet To Be Done.
- Playmate was being funny about how hard I have been working on this, and it was hilarious but also too close to true: “That makes me picture you punching into the saddest job at the saddest factory ever. Like a crying factory. They manufacture sads. You’re a sads factory! Long, long shifts makin’ sads. Inspecting sads, making sure they’re super sad quality sads.” YEP THAT’S ME.
- The mattress.
- Too much sitting.
- Agent Aldrich told me this wonderful thing that she heard: “You are not the roadblock’s lawyer”. Ahahahah. I think I have been doing way too much pro bono work for the roadblocks. Defending the things that aren’t working.
- These miracles are amazing, and: I need something on a larger scale.
- The dream I had where I had to plan and organize a sit-down dinner for Britney Spears. Because I’m an events coordinator!
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission is live! All that work, and it is here!
- Miracles. Many, many, many miracles.
- Operation Radiate Smiles aka [dentist] went really, really well. Nothing but good news. Plus: Heated massage chair. Also, they love silent retreat. Turns out they don’t like asking you those questions anymore than we like not-being-able-to-answer-them.
- Insanely productive. I don’t ever want to work hours like this again, but there was zoom and flow.
- Spend every day at my favorite cafe until it closed. Goodbye, sweet monkey.
- The meeting went better than I could have possibly imagined, despite (or: including?) the fact that I cried through the entire thing.
- Kindness. Love. Support. Sweetness.
- The people who are coming to the Alphabet Carousel are people I adore. This is going to be EVEN MORE FUN than I’d imagined.
- Having expectations blown away.
- My weird and mysterious wine allergy (not actually talking about wine) disappeared magically, and now I might even be crazier about wine (still not wine) than before.
- Undoing old patterns and replacing them with better ones.
- The Floop! I love the Floop.
- Everything is going to be okay.
- Sometimes things turn out better than expected.
- Stickers! Thanks, Magda!
- Drinks and catching up with Noah, my cousin, who is the best.
- Long, slow yoga in the park.
- Monsieur LeBlanc made sure I was well-fed when it was mission-critical.
- I made a hard decision, and acted on it. ALL THE SPARKLEPOINTS FOR ME.
- I get a small time off (aka time inward) in September.
- Substituesfau! The Vicar and I are the funniest.
- The Fountain.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had it accidentally, and it is the one I want now and forever.
We were prepping for the meeting, and H said, “My ideal situation is X, which would be amazing, but who knows, maybe she’ll propose something even better.”
And I thought: HUH. I want the superpower of thinking that. About everything.
I’d really like it to go this way, but who knows, I’m also receptive to an even better solution.
And then it happened.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of giving people the opportunity to be generous.
The superpower of remembering that there could be an even better solution, and being open to it.
The superpower of being able to enjoy accomplishment, instead of just seeing how much more there is left to do.
These all might be related.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of Or Maybe Something Even Better.
Receptive and present.
This salve opens up tight places with such complete gentleness that there is no tension and no resistance. It is a soft dissolving and then a reconfiguring of space. Like a magic touch. You feel supported and loved.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Infinite Booty Shakes
Thanks, Chloe. I can dance all night when they’re playing.
Though of course… it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys! The Alphabet Carousel is here! It glows with love and features buttmonsters gleefully riding letters of the alphabet, because that is exactly what Rally feels like.
The page tells you all about the new way we are doing Rallies, a one-time experiment for this coming year, as well as the date of the Very Last Ever Havi-Verbed Rally.
During First Sail Days (which is NOW), you can get entrance to all the new rallies for about the price of just one. There is a raffle and prizes. First 12 people who sign up get a special Rally care package.
(We’re close to 12 but say you came from the chicken and I will count you anyway.)
HERE IS THE PAGE: https://fluentself.com//alphabetabutt
The password: whee
That’s the sound that a buttmonster makes while riding on a C! Please make joyful happy sounds with me about this finally being ready!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #212: there’s got to be a better rhyme for that.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
It is known that I am not in favor of using acronyms (unless they are silly and you can make fun words out of them and they are for your own use).
This one is too much fun, and it is just for me, and it is absurd. Therefore I approve it. And I will not expect you to remember what it means.
I have an announcement.
And I am going to try to sneak it in somewhere in this post.
Operation SHBOTW.
I dearly want a writing retreat.
Not to go on a retreat. To go off on my own, be alone, and write. Not in problem-solving mode. Me and the notebook.
This feels like an absolutely ridiculous thing to ask for, given the urgent Situation At Hand and the current State of Affairs, and the Big Crisis that needs to be solved.
But it is what I want, and I am planting it.
I am calling it Operation Ship Havi Bell Off To Write, or: SHBOTW
It’s pronounced like fatwah: sh’batwah!
It is fun to say.
And I want it I want it I want it I want it so badly.
But in order for it to even be a possibility, I first need to take care of monies for the Situation before I can even think about this. Which means Operation Save Our Ship, Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter, Operation Alphabet Buttmonster Carousel, and Operation Wall of Squoosh all need my attention. So that’s pretty overwhelming.
Anyway, this is what I want.
What do I know about this?
It is too much to think when so much is going on. I have the biggest monsters about every aspect of this.
So the real thing that needs to happen is for me to believe that this is a legitimate want to want.
This means: talking it out with the monsters, and coming up with an OOD. This might need to happen in secret agent code, and I think a proxy would help too.
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Ease. Spaciousness. Presence. Turning Inward. Grounding. Play. Receptivity. Glow.
And the superpower or sankalpa of Everything Is Working Out Perfectly and I Can See The Good.
What might help?
Writing. Just writing about this. Asking more questions. Being curious. Rolling around on the floor. Conducting. Being in the compass.
What else might help?
Keep up the Divertissement, and trust that it is a fractal flower for this.
But mainly I think this is about fear, and the best way for me to meet fear is with legitimacy and kindness.
I’m playing with…
What if it is okay to want what I want? What if it is okay to want the essence of it? What if there are all kinds of ways that I can connect to the essence?
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- REJOICING for the long-awaited website redesign (have you seen it?!).
- A new solution for ear plugs. The one I found works but is inelegant. Bond Girl wants a secret compartment.
- Heinzelmännchen Wrecking Crew! This is my cover story for a new project, and it is really helping.
- Finish the stompy rewrites.
- Be brave enough to tell the story that is not the story.
- Maybe I will write about Operation Resilience or Toldot. Which is funny because Operation Resilience is the Toldot of Havi Bell.
- Infinite Booty Shakes! Thanks, Chloe
- What do we know about the City of Vista? This is both a proxy and not, you are welcome to share things.
- I am celebrating SIX MONTHS of silence, and ONE YEAR of being a bell. Except I don’t know how to celebrate either of them, other than laughing hysterically. I would like a ritual to reveal itself.
- Oh, more of this, please. Joyful sleep for Havi Bell.
- Ticking off boxes on the Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement in the secret location.
- Intention. Everything is working out perfectly. I see the good everywhere, and I appreciate it.
- This is where I live.
- KAROOOOH
- Joyful enthusiasm for the HAT and the carousel! So much excited excitement, please!
- Guess what, YOU GUYS?! I am ready to tell you about the Alphabet Carousel!!! That was the announcement. And the password is what buttmonsters riding an alphabet carousel say: whee
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Quiet. Confidence. Clarity. Love. Steadiness. Plenty. Trust. Laughter.
And the superpower of I Can Do This, Let’s Make It Happen.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I can say KAROOOOH! KAROOOOH! I might even sing the britney spears smurfs song to it: will you be my karoooolala?
And I can try remember WHY we are doing this. So that I can a) KAROOOOH and so that I can call Beautiful Bee and tell her that I want to have an adventure again.
I’m playing with…
Seriously, making the chorus of the Britney Spears smurfs song into my Karooooh-la-la anthem.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka not exactly that but something to do with it.
Oh man, last-week-me was so amazing and didn’t even know it.
Thanks to her, I now have the Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement (explanation in the Chicken), and I got more done this week than I ever have ever, other than at Rally.
I re-organized the Vault (closet) according to personalities instead of type of clothing. I stopped worrying about the key, I found two temporary solutions for ear plugs, I had joyful sleep and I decorated the HAT! Plus I finished the HAT.
Plus I had a beach day.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox