What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
A month of archways and openings. July.
I am following a pull towards something new in my ritual of paying attention to each month.
Instead of entering and exiting the month, I think I want to back off a little and just notice things about my relationship with it.
That means both July in general and also this July in particular.
Not a hello, not a goodbye. Not even necessarily an interaction. Just quietly observing from the side. Which I guess is its own kind of interaction. A quieter one.
Which is weirdly fitting, given that I’ve been living in silence for six months now. Everything else is getting quieter, why not this.
My relationship with July.
What do I know about July?
About me and July? Us. Together.
Last July…
Last July I asked for things that begin and do not begin with P, and I do not remember how that went. I do remember that July had a lot of sad endings, and also that I learned how to play (and playdate) in an entirely new way, and that I embarked on the beginning of a coronation.
I am pleased to report backwards to me-of-one-year-ago that we are much more at home in both Passion and Perseverence (two of the P-words that I was working with), and that the thing that hurt so much then is okay now. Thinking about it, I smile a wistful loving smile at what was, but I do not feel the the “hurting shards of heart-truth” anymore.
That was July last year.
This July is new.
Experiences and wishes I bring with me from June into July…
- The roses and the rose gardens.
- Outdoors as much as possible.
- Dance every day.
- Operation Thrive A.M.
- Emptying and Replenishing.
- Operation Serenity: Serenity, Empty, Replenish, Ease, Newness, Insight (In Sight!), Trust, Yes.
- Troosie.
- Trying on the costume of I Am Malibu Barbie, and discovering all kinds of things that I like that I did not think that I would like.
- I smile at doorways, flirt with fountains, delight in noticing the aliveness of being alive.
- The Spy Who Loved Me. Both as the exact right color of nail polish, and the actual spy, loving me.
What I want from this July.
Let this be the month of Openings.
The month of Apertures and Archways.
Pathways appearing where there were no visible pathways before.
If a new (and better) door opens when one closes, this is the time for the new doors to reveal themselves.
A month of sustenance and simplicity, archways and openings.
More specifically, I want…
- Writing time and yoga time: centerpiece of my day.
- Openings and archways.
- I see a path that I didn’t see before, and I love it!
- Ha, this can totally work.
- Undoing rules about what is possible.
- Joyful playtime in the sun.
- Wishcrafting and OOD-ing in companionship.
- Be Like Water, Havi Bell.
- There is time.
- Relief. Reprieve. Time out. Time off. Time in.
A compass of qualities for July.
Sustenance. Simplicity. Trust. Receiving. Firm footing. Calm. Possibility. Pathways and Openings.
Superpowers for July.
I trust harder, deeper, more powerfully and more easily than I have ever trusted before.
What I need is right here.
I can suddenly see the doorways and openings that are already available to me that for whatever reason I have not been able to see until now.
I am a bell.
Meeting everything with love. I remember how to do this. I remember that I can do this.
Checking the app.
What does the Stompopolis calendar hold?
This month’s quality: RESONANCE.
Of course, that will help me be a bell.
And the superpower of Steady Replenishing.
Naming the moon.
A tradition I borrowed from Waverly. More about how I do it.
The Moon of Spirals.
What would I like to be new about my relationship with July.
I’m ready to be done with Summer Dread.
I’m ready to embark on the adventure of Summers Off, and finding out how that can happen. I’m also thinking about not being in Portal Land during the summer, we’ll see how that plays out.
Mainly I would like to be outdoors, with feet in the sand or on the ground. I want to be breathing, writing, rolling in the grass, stretching, exploring and napping.
I am slowly rewriting my history of summer as The Time When The Bad Stuff Happens, and I think the next step in this is more spaciousness, more room for play. Less tightness. And not teaching. That is important.
Also a big piece of July is the 4th of July, American Independence Day, and the fireworks that are so terrifying and traumatic for me. So part of what needs to change in July is REFUGE. I need to be somewhere else so that I can give myself shelter and refuge.
This is what I am planting, with curiosity, presence and love.
May it be so.
Want to play?
You can deposit notes, observations, wishes, or whatever you like for July or about your relationship with July.
We are not dogmatic here. There is no one right way. Play any way you like.
Something that gives me great pleasure and comfort is how we have managed to cultivate that incredibly rare thing that is safe space on the internet. It lives here, and it’s a really big deal. We achieve that safety through not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. Presence, legitimacy, room for everyone to experience what they’re experiencing as they’re experiencing it.
So thank you. Love, as always, to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and everyone who reads. You’re my community, and I treasure that.
Visions #211: not exactly that but something to do with it.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
The theme of this week is Something To Do With….
My wants are emerging from feeling and instinct, but I’m not sure where they’re going yet. So I’m reminding myself that this is okay. They will take shape or they won’t.
Either way, I’m collecting clues. So if all I have is “something to do with”, let’s start with that and see where it goes.
Something to do with Spaciousness.
I noticed when we were getting ready for the Sail of Yard how much fun it is to wonder around my home, just adoring it.
Noticing various small and large changes that whisper to me. This desire for change comes from love and sweetness. Creativity that emerges from spaciousness. I am receptive to new possibilities because a) I don’t have an agenda and b) I am not in a hurry.
And then whooosh, ideas. Suddenly I want that wall to be yellow. Or I know where the desk needs to go.
Normally there’s too much on my mind/plate/list. I don’t leisurely explore my space, just listening.
Agent White, who gets Actual Summer Vacation (see last week’s wish!), has been doing nothing but changing up his space, and you can just see how everything in his life glows with serenity and congruence. It’s the time and space to both have the ideas and act on them.
I want some of that. Not the space-changing, though I want that too. It’s more about OPENINGS.
I want SPACE. I want space in the sense of physical space and space in the sense of time. And I want to use this space / these spaces to do quietly pleasurable things and see what happens.
To take a bus line and see where it goes. To wander in search of a just-right sandwich. To write and write and write. Space.
Something to do with Contests.
Not so much contests as that thing about Crossing Off All The Boxes and Then There Is A Prize.
And no one can add any more boxes! Once you are done, that is it!
It isn’t a board game, but maybe it is like a board game. This is so elusive! Do I have an example?
At [Whatsit], they do this thing where you and a partner come to class X times within Y dates, and then you both get a prize. The prize is usually nothing much, but checking off the boxes is delicious.
It just feels good. To the point that even when you don’t want to be there you think, “Hey, another box!” I’m not sure why this is cheering. It just is.
I want to apply this to the Three Gigantic Operations that Agent Mueller and I are working on as part of the larger op of Save Our Ship.
What if we did something like this and there was an end date and there were boxes to tick?
And the prize was something good, like [a certain thing related to Vicarage]?
And what if the sheet with the boxes lived on a board in the Secret Space? Just like in Life.
Something to do with organizing by identity instead of by type.
I am feeling a very strong desire to re-order the Vault.
The Vault is the Identity Vault. Most people would think of it as a closet or a place that holds clothing.
I originally wrote “hides clothing”, which is super interesting…
Right now it is organized by type. The categories are either type of clothing (shorts!) or use (studio!). Types go together. Jeans go here. This is where dresses go. Roller derby shirts are here. Clothes for yoga/working-out go there. Like that.
I’m thinking now of organizing by identity. An aspect of me who wants to express herself.
Please note that there is a difference between multiple personalities and multiple personality disorder. There is no disorder here. Other than in my closet, which is a total mess.
Hahahaha I am the comedienne of things that are not funny.
This is a playful, conscious, delight-filled experimentation in expressing aspects of who I am.
So. Not every character in the pantheon of selves needs separate closet space.
Ms. Bell and The Director pretty much wear all the same things. It doesn’t look the same on them, but their taste is nearly identical.
Malibu Barbie and Bratty Smooches have very different personalities, but they both like cropped tops and bright colors, and they’re always going to reach for that tiny hot pink miniskirt. Lady Bond is going to take anything Bond Girl wears and add jewelry. The Dancer takes from everything.
Anyway, what if the Vault was divided into persona rather than type of clothing? No more going through “pants” to see what Ms. Bell wants. She is not going to want bright orange corduroy skinny jeans or fluorescent magenta leggings. Something about identity….
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Spaciousness. Reconfiguring. Trust. Truth (as in: being true to myself, following instinct). Plenty. Possibility. Play. Receptivity.
And the superpower or sankalpa of I Follow The Instinctive Pull of My Deepest Desires And See Where It Takes Me.
What might help?
Like last time, the OODs.
Playing with yoga nidra. Writing it out. Asking more questions. Being curious.
What else might help?
Just start.
Make a board game, and change it later. Reconfigure the Vault, and change it later. Play. Play!
Do it to music.
I’m playing with…
The idea that I don’t have to have all the information. “Something to do with X” is enough to begin exploring. I can get results (!) without having figured it all out.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- A necklace for the key.
- A secret compartment for ear plugs!
- Joyful sleep for Havi Bell.
- There are steps and I am taking them, and this feels good.
- Trust, trust and more trust.
- I remember to play.
- This is where I live.
- The HAT is decorated!
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Pleasure. Presence. Steadiness. Release. Welcoming. Undoing. Precision. Laughter.
And the superpower of It’s All Falling Into Place.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Bounce bounce bounce! Taking it to the rose garden.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka there is definitely room in the pot.
Last week I wanted so many things and had to just throw them all into the pot.
I had a realization about why Monday Beach Day is not happening, and it has to do with San Diego.
Knowing that I want Summers Off (because I am a teacher too, dammit) has changed how I make decisions about everything! So even though I don’t know how to make it happen yet, having it as a beacon is turning out to be hugely helpful.
I wanted to celebrate Five Whole Years of the Friday Chicken, and I did a bunch of writing about it, which I might share here or maybe not. But it felt really important to process.
Then I wanted to be at the Monkey as much as possible, and I was there every day. And I wanted to breathe Sustenance and Possibility, and be a bell. And: YES. This happened all week.
Thank you, last-week me! And thank you, everyone who reads for making this a strong container for discovery, experimentation, play and change. The more I work on my stuff, the more I realize how powerful it is to have community. Lots of love to you guys for being here to play with.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #260: Can you believe we’ve been doing this for five years straight?
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Today marks five years of doing this. “This” being writing a Chicken every week, reflecting on what was hard-useful and what was pleasurable-useful, doing this in community.
A huge hand-on-heart sigh of appreciation for everyone who has been a part of this in any way.
What worked?
Remembering (when I could) that falling down doesn’t mean something is wrong.
Falling is the practice.
As Bryan says (I paraphrase) about yoga, “There is no value in balancing while holding your leg in the air. All it strengthens is self-satisfaction. The value is falling, noticing how you feel about falling, breathing with that.”
It’s a bit like what I used to say about “mistakes” when I taught [the thing formerly known as The Thing Formerly Known As]. Once you get it “right”, it isn’t working anymore. The chaos is where the learning happens.
Anyway, this week had all kinds of (metaphorical) moments of losing my sense of balance, really wanting to hold something in a certain way and not being able to.
Every time I remembered that there is nothing wrong with falling down, my life got easier. I could say, “Oh right, this is the part where the learning happens, this is the part where I notice, breathe, fill up with love.” That was helpful.
Next time I might…
Not fight.
This week was deliciously productive until everything fell apart, and I found myself doing the one thing that is guaranteed not to work: fighting with myself, fighting with what is.
Truce. I’m here to learn how to meet my stuff with curiosity and warmth, not to strengthen resistance.
Remember that Zombie Day means change it up.
When I’m exhausted I can’t work. But I do this thing where I give myself an hour or two to rest, before trying again. This sets me up for disappointment, and I quickly get to the point where Everything Is Stupid And Annoying.
Next time I’d like to say, “Hey, Havi Bell. I love you. You just had a really rough night. I know you want to get lots done, and yet studies have shown that you can’t brain when you’re a zombie. So today is a Fire Drill Day, and your only job is to take care of yourself and drink from the wells. I promise you, this will get you back to work faster than trying to work every 90 minutes.”
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Nightmares about Then.
- Impossibly busy dreams in which I’m working my ass off (hey, just like in real life), trying to prevent a revisiting of Then. And then waking up too exhausted to do any of the things that will actually help with that.
- The Mystery of Southern California. Very mysterious indeed.
- The Sail of Yard brought up all my stuff. I was prepared for emotion, not prepared for the intensity.
- Even though Sail of Yard is not related to the Current Scariest Thing Situation (it’s something we’ve been meaning to do forever, and this was the time our neighbors could do it, and I had to keep reminding myself of this over and over again), my brain had trouble processing that.
- The biggest and scariest monsters were out in full force, with megaphones, with their deep pulsing mantra: “You Will Lose Everything. Again. This Is The Beginning Of The End. This Is The Thing That Happens Right Before You Lose Everything And It Is Happening Again. Many, many negotiations and safe rooms were needed.
- Thursday. I couldn’t access the wells.
- Being so tired that I can’t feel what I want/need anymore.
- The perception that all of this is on my shoulders.
- Forgetting that “everything that is against me is an illusion“.
- Not liking Portal Land anymore.
- My favorite cafe is being turned into condos in 12 days. Bulldozers on the way.
- I was not able to Avoid the 6, even though Avoiding the 6 is crucial to maintaining a calm, stable force field.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL! (Not a band!)
- The above will make more sense next week, but for now just assume that this is joyous and celebration-worthy in every possible way.
- Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter.
- Huge progress on all the ops.
- Spending lots of time in my favorite cafe and appreciating it in our last days together. Also, Taylor put aside some freshly made unsweetened cardamon extract for me and made me a dangerously great steamed milk concoction that might also be an aphrodisiac.
- Speaking of drinks that are more than drinks: M. LeBlanc of the Other Agency was responsible for filling my week with ice cold handmade cantaloupe ginger juice. Holy god.
- The Sale of Yard. Agents Mueller and White knew what was going on for me and took care of everything, while reminding me that Now Is Not Then, and that I am safe and loved.
- I love my neighbors.
- A heart full of appreciation, gratitude and love for so many things.
- By chance, I ended up in the (Original) Red Dress, and spent an evening enjoying what it feels like to be just traffic-stoppingly hot.
- Dinner at Veritable Quandary.
- People who adore me so much they would move to Idaho for me (it’s a metaphor, but that doesn’t make it not a big deal, it’s a very big deal).
- I am here, and — most of the time, at least — happy to be here, breathing into it, even when it’s hard.
- Happy birthday to the Vicar! I see you on Tuesfau!
- Play, delight, warmth, passion, meaning, knowing what I want.
- Five years of Friday Chickens, you guys! Unbelievable.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of I Lost My Balance And That Is Okay Because This Is Where The Breathing Happens.
Also the superpowers of being a spy and speaking my heart.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of remembering that Really And Truly, Nothing Is Wrong.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of kol ma shenegdi ashlaya.
Everything that is against me is illusion.
Just like with last week’s salve, the tiny truth-sparks inside of the distortions are revealed, and they glow.
The salve is light, calming, it glows. When you put it on, you begin to breathe a little deeper, you remember that you are okay, all kinds of misunderstandings begin to unravel and dissolve. And you begin to trust that you can’t choose wrong, that paying attention to how you feel is enough, that maybe you are enough too.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivered enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
How are we going to celebrate?
FIVE WHOLE YEARS OF THIS, YOU GUYS!
I wanted to do something, and I don’t know what. Suggestions: throw them into the pot.
For now, I don’t even know how to begin thanking you for being here with me. So appreciative of this surprising community of thoughtful, compassionate, warm-hearted people to play with. I love you all so much.
{THANK YOU}
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Gravy Belt
It comes from a hilarious conversation with the Vicar, in which he said: “Yes, I guess I did overlook the Alabama Factor and how this would play in America’s gravy belt. But still. Shiny!”
I let him write the description of the band.
Gravy Belt: down home Americana grooves played at steep tempos. Allows more jiggle on the dance floor. When done properly the effect in the club is that of 1,000 disco balls shattering (this is from the bedazzled sweatpants moving at 140 BPM)
Or: Alabama Factor, which is a Gravy Belt cover band.
Either way, definitely just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
I was hoping to have a new HAT up today for you guys, but that wasn’t how this week turend out.
So I will repeat what I said last week: We’re in a crisis. I’m working hard on getting our ship through the storm and learning (and internalizing) what is here for me to learn, and will share more with you soon about what we’re going through. In the meantime:
If you have been thinking, “man, I would love to get X from Havi’s shop or her Sail of Emptying sometime”, it would be amazing for us if you could do that now. Now is a beautiful time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #210: there is definitely room in the pot
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
Ahhhh. I have so many wants right now. And they seem to be kind of all over the place, but I am going to take the “throw everything into the pot” approach, and assume that all of the various desires are related ingredients in the same stew.
What do I want? I want to get back to Monday Beach Day. Or even Fake Beach Day. Both of these rituals have been dropped due to The Situation At Hand, and the result is that I am back to dreading Mondays, and this is not good for me or for the world.
Actually, it’s more than Mondays that I want. Spending time with two different Agents who are teachers, and realizing: I’M A TEACHER, but I don’t get summers off. Summer! Off! What a crazy-great concept. I can feel in every cell in my body how good that would be for me. I have all the monsters about this (specifically about how it’s a pipe dream and never going to happen), but what if…?!
What else? I want my computer to start. It is not starting, and this is terrifying.
I need big help with systems right now. Agent Mueller and I are working around the clock on Operation Save The Ship, and we need to reinvent systems, and this is so hard. Hey, a thing that I’m bad at and slow at that needs to happen quickly and well! There is no money for hiring someone, and I don’t know how this is going to be solved, but the deadline is approaching fast. Miracle, please.
What else?
What else? This Friday marks FIVE WHOLE YEARS of the Friday Chicken (which has now twice been a Saturday Chicken, but other than that, we’ve been steady with the Fridays). Haven’t missed a week. That seems like a pretty extraordinary thing. How are we going to celebrate? Ideas welcome.
Also I miss having a job where workout clothes were a business expense. Just noting that.
It’s the last days of the Monkey, and I want to be there as much as possible. I want to live at the 9&9, even if it’s a metaphor, I can still live there. I want to see [Situation] as the best damn thing that has ever happened to me and to discover what changes when I do.
I want to believe in myself the way that my playmate in the treehouse believes in me. I want Operation Turn Keys to be a smashing success, and Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter to change everything in my life for the better.
I want to breathe Sustenance and Possibility, and be a bell. A shining, steady, well-compensated bell. Into the pot with love….
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Safety. Ease. Sustenance. Steadiness. Plenty. Possibility. Play. Reconfigure.
And the superpower or sankalpa of This Moment Is New.
What might help?
Pause and breathe, pause and breathe.
Use the OODs.
What else might help?
Work/play in partnership.
Agent MD, Monsieur LeBlanc of the other Agency, anyone who can help.
And of course, Floop!
I’m playing with…
Presence. Curiosity. This Is Right, I Just Don’t Know How Yet, And That’s Okay.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- I am ready for this rendezvous.
- Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter is stable and fun.
- Enough sleep for Havi Bell.
- Hope is back, and she knows what is good.
- There is an easier way of doing this, and I just found it.
- Everyone helps.
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Fun. Delight. Trust. Readiness. Pleasure. Appreciation. Gratitude. Quiet.
And the superpower of I Am Changing It Up, Baby.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Dancing it out.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka the hallway and the garden.
Oh man, last week I was feeling so helpless when writing these asks. And now I cannot believe how right-on-target last-week-me was. She asked for all the right things, in just the right way!
I want to hug her and thank her and tell her that her instincts were correct.
I wanted the hallway to get easier, and it did. I asked for alignment, and things are lining up. I wanted Operation Big Tent to go smoothly, and while it was The Scariest Thing, it went so much better than anticipated. Then I was worried about my 12 Things, and six of them disappeared so I didn’t have to do them!
Additionally I was able to Avoid the 6, as planned. Oh, and both the Sail of Yard and Puttering Day were significantly less horrible than expected. Basically, everything I asked for was useful, even though at the time it seemed like a waste of energy to even write about it. So, yet again, hooray for Very Personal Ads.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #259: infinitely more bearable and joyful because of you.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am overflowing with grateful appreciation right now.
So I am going to pause (paws!) here for a deeply heart-felt moment of THANK YOU.
Knowing that no matter how challenging and hard any given week might be, I have a place to reflect on it and I am not alone…this is treasure. Doing this in community — and I include everyone who reads or has read over the past 259 weeks, or occasionally thinks “hey, Friday Chicken!” as part of community — is a big deal for me.
Thank you.
What worked?
Choosing to see The Scariest Thing as a do-over from Then.
This week I had to do The Scariest Thing, and there was no getting out of it. It had to be done.
Next week I am going to attempt the Second Scariest Thing, which is telling you guys about the Scariest Thing, if I can.
I do not even have words to describe how much I did not want to do The Scariest Thing. I have spent the past eight years, and especially the past year and a half, working my ass off to avoid this very thing.
And over a decade ago, I made a heartbreakingly painful choice that resulted in years of trauma, in order to avoid a very, very similar Scariest Thing.
This time there was no avoiding it. It had to be done. So I decided that this was a video game do-over for Me-from-then.
She can’t undo her choices (and she shouldn’t have to either — I fully support her choices, she was trying to protect me-now, and she was amazing, I owe her everything). But if I choose to see this experience as a do-over, then me-now can be strong enough to make a different choice, and in doing so send a little healing both backwards and forwards in time.
She introduced me to Strength, Resilience, Faith and Perseverance. Now it is time for me to meet Surrender, Humility, Mercy and Grace. This is what I learned from my do-over, and I appreciate that.
Breathing into it.
I wanted to run away so hard this week. I could feel all the old neural patterns pulling. Singing the song of let’s-just-get-out-of-here.
I wanted to toss a grenade into the last of the barns, and let it all burn behind me.
But instead I chose to do the Scariest (for me) Thing.
Something Bryan Kest has said, over and over again: “Life is full of challenges. Sometimes you can’t run away from them. Try breathing into them.”
I have been practicing for this. I have been training for this.
This week I breathed Sustenance and Steadiness. I breathed Trust and Possibility. I kept breathing into everything. I stayed in my compass of qualities and let breath be in charge of everything.
External support.
While the Scariest Thing was happening, Agent X was across town doing yoga and breathing Grace and Presence for me. My co-travelers from my Crossing the Line retreat in October hummed Safety and Sovereignty for me while I was going through it. Other friends held wishes for me too.
Knowing that I wasn’t the only one breathing into it and through it was such a help.
Next time I might…
Ask for help sooner.
For me, asking for help is the scary thing.
Recognize the stories inside the stories.
My strength doesn’t come from being able to take care of everything myself, even though I want to believe that so hard.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Still figuring out this (…metaphorical…) hallway thing.
- The Portals of Portal Land are disappearing fast, and with that a small identity crisis for me as I figure out what I want.
- The Mystery of Ugh I Hate To Admit that [person I think is a total tool] is right.
- The Mystery of Release.
- The Sail of Yard is a good thing, and I’m glad it’s happening, but I do not have time/energy for this on top of everything else right now.
- The scariest dreams.
- So. Much. Work.
- And so much work yet to be done.
- The Scariest Thing, and also the dread of the Scariest Thing.
- My body reacting.
- So much hurt and sadness from then. Past-me, who went through hell to keep me from The Scariest Thing, was pretty upset that now after all this time I’m choosing to just go ahead and do it anyway. She did, as we say in Hebrew, figure-eights in the air, just to protect me from something that I was going to end up doing later. PAIN about this. We had to build a lot of safe rooms.
- People I love being involved in the Scariest Thing, and knowing that they have to go through it because I do.
- Sadness and grief over all the things from then.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- Squeaking in under the line. We squeaked! We squoked! Whatever it is, miracles. I didn’t think we could do it, and we did. That made The Scariest Thing infinitely more bearable.
- I am at peace in the hallway. I am not scared of anything right now.
- Richard and I went to Mt. Tabor park for a birthday picnic, and it was the most joyful, sweet, wonderful thing ever.
- Our timing was fantastic, because it turns out that Mt. Tabor park is about to be closed indefinitely, so that was the exact right time for a gorgeous picnic there, and we didn’t even know it.
- The Sail of Yard that we are having with our neighbors turns out to be a great way to practice Emptying and Replenishing. I can feel all kinds of emotional/energy cobwebs getting whooshed out of my space.
- Evening yoga in the park with Agent White.
- Mission Avoid The 6 has been so good. It is ridiculous how much nicer my life is when I am nowhere near the #6 bus. Even if it means taking longer to get places. Avoid the 6.
- Really understanding for the first time that I am surrounded by people who love me. Friends, neighbors, beautiful-hearted people.
- The Scariest Thing is over. Well, not over. But I did the part that was the scariest. I did it, and I am okay.
- I did not meltdown at all during the Scariest Thing.
- I know what I want, and I am both happy and unconflicted, both about the knowing and the wanting.
- Not being attached to outcome.
- Trusting that everything, including The Scariest Thing, is for my good and the good of future-me.
- Big deep crazy heart-love.
- Someone who believes that I get to be treated with sweetness at all times, and actively practices this.
- Forgiveness.
- The diamond sankalpa.
- Monsieur LeBlanc from the Other Agency has a Connection, which means possibly hiding out in southern France next year to avoid American Independence Day and the resulting fireworks trauma.
- Everything changes, and I am good at this.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of letting [X] become a softly shining jewel in my heart, instead of the bitterest pill.
In my case, X was Humility and Graceful Surrender.
This week’s salve is going to be a stronger version of this.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of meeting everything that comes up with Oh Yes This Is Right, and: I Can Use This!
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of painful things transform into jewels.
In other words, the quality hidden inside of the experience becomes present and grace-filled.
The tiny truth-sparks inside of the distortions are revealed, and they glow.
The salve is comforting, it eases burns, it reminds me of smelling cloves at the end of the sabbath. Spices of sweetness.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Some little notes.
Confidential to Lorinda.
Thank you for sharing your process. Beautiful to read!
Confidential to a certain secret agent in Canada who keeps sending me clues.
A full heart of APPRECIATION and GRATITUDE for you and your mission.
Confidential to Kaari.
Thank you for the just-right postcard and the just-right words, for trust and love, and for being an accidental best-ever testimonial for why the Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic is still the greatest, after all these years.
Confidential to Simone.
You have no idea how much that meant to me. Thank you.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Aluminalomnibus
A Luminal Omnibus? What does that even mean? Actually, they used to be called Amigosanonymous. Or, alternately, Amigos Anonymous.
Either way, just one guy.
Thank, Nick.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
Last week I said that we were in “a bit” of a crisis, and that was a hilarious understatement. I understated it because admitting to crisis is part of the Scariest Thing that I have apparently devoted my life to avoiding.
I also said that I will tell you more about it later, and I will.
I also said that this experience is “interesting, and not particularly fun, and — like all hard things — very, very useful”, and I stand by that. I will also tell you more about that part, because it is important.
In the meantime, thank you everyone who bought things from our shop this week. You were part of our miracle that made The Scariest Thing so much infinitely more bearable.
And if you have been thinking, “man, I would love to get X from Havi’s shop or her Sail of Emptying sometime”, it would be hugely helpful if you could do that now. Now is a really good time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.