What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Visions #209: the hallway and the garden
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, evehttps://fluentself.com//wp-admin/admin.php?page=wordpress-related-posts&ref=adminbarn when asking feels conflicted.
I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
You know the point where you have so many things to do that you’re completely paralyzed and can’t do even one of them?
Of course you do. You are alive, and reading something on the internet.
Anyway, it’s a big, busy, stressful week here, and I have way too many baskets.
So. I need help with the hallway and I need help with the garden, and both of these are metaphorical. So are the baskets. It’s all metaphors all the time around here, apparently.
(The hallway is the hallway from “when one door closes, another one opens…but it’s hell in the hallway”. The garden is where all the fractal flowers live.)
What I want.
It has to do with alignment.
Alignment. Lining up. Congruence. Subtle shifting.
This is not the bullshit fascist alignment that you might run into a yoga class or at the gym. (Your knee has to be directly over your ankle or you will DIE! Even though actually we each have different bodies and differently shaped bones and joints, and we all fit together differently so this makes no sense, and also you live in your body so it’s your job to figure out what feels safe and comfortable for you, not someone else’s, and there is a lot more I could say about this but it is besides the point.)
I’m talking about plink plink, the sound of things falling into place. I’m talking about things coming into conscious, loving, harmonious relationship with each other. I’m talking about facilitating that through getting quiet, paying attention, playing and experimenting.
Anyway, I have all these things, and I need them to support each other and to support me. So that each tiny step I take towards one of them is secretly helping all the other ones line up too. And I need as much help and support as possible.
- Mission: Preparing for Operation Big Tent. Maybe Alon can help.
- Mission: Write about Aperture #1.
- What if instead of saying Hello to July this year because I apparently do not wish to do that, maybe I can examine my relationship with July instead. Change the ritual.
- The Sail of Yard. This will require a Puttering Day. When can this happen?
- Aperture #2. Investigate!
- Aperture #3. Investigate!
- There are TWELVE THINGS that need wording, and this is scaring the hell out of me, because my monsters are convinced that any one of these could take all week. We can also use alignment for this, in the form of the Alignment practice.
- The list of ideas for the Big Tent op. R can help edit this but I need a draft.
- The Mystery of the Missing Portals, first step.
- Mission Avoid The 6.
- Priscila, Queen of the Sea.
And: how can all or most of this take place in the sun? Because I want to be in the sun.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Trust. Ease. Sustenance. Contentment. Plenty. Peace. Release. Receive.
And the superpower or sankalpa of trusting my instincts.
What might help?
Remember the Fractal Flowers. The alignment caper on repeat. Stick with the compass.
What else might help?
Conduct. Take it to the grass.
You can’t do all the baskets, but you are working towards fewer baskets. This is the path to the next Vicarage. Breathe. you can do this.
And of course, play at the Floop because the Floop is magic.
I’m playing with…
Even more secret agent code.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- The Sale of Yard is easy and fun, and so are the Exceptions.
- Operation Big Tent is a big sigh of relief, and I feel better afterwards. And if I don’t, then I am going to the beach with Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency until I do.
- Next year in Jerusalem, except not.
- Let’s keep skipping all the stones.
- Be Like Water, Havi Bell.
- One of the Apertures is the right one, or the right one for now, and I can feel it.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Play. Sweetness. Steadiness. Grounding. Heart. Comfort. Rejuvenation. Strength.
And the superpower of I Fill The Hallway With Candles And Sing It A Sweet Song.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I can see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Taking it to the swingset.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka Operation ACTIVATE.
Things are being activated. Some more quickly than others. But: progress.
Also, during the birthday picnic, we covered a lot of activation ground.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #258: the Chicken who takes its time, and then takes some more time.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This is a Saturday afternoon Chicken rather than a Friday one, because I was having a rough time of things due to all the explosions this week. This works out well for me, because while yesterday was a nightmare, last night ended with such sweetness. I appreciate having a little extra room to look at what was beautiful in the week.
Wanna chicken? Let’s do it.
What worked?
Interrupting the pattern.
Poke!
Remembering that even the tiniest interruptions count.
Tiny tiny interruptions.
Little moments of “I am noticing you, pattern” and “I am learning about a new piece of you, pattern”, and “we are in relationship, pattern” and “look, I did one tiny thing differently this time so now you are different and so is our relationship”.
Next time I might…
More transition time.
The first few days after coming back from a trip are not Doing Days.
Except I want them to be Doing Days, and then I get frustrated when nothing gets done.
This time, I knew I’d be low-energy. But I didn’t really get to what extent.
So I over-booked, and then things kind of fell apart a little.
Revisit the Book of Me.
It has the information I need.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So dark in the (…metaphorical…) hallway.
- The Mystery of writing an 1800 word Chicken about this week and then losing it and not being able to retrieve it.
- The Mystery of the city I used to be in love with and what happened to it or what happened to me, because I do not love it anymore.
- The Mystery of that pattern where I do a thing because I think it will make someone else happy, and then no one is happy.
- The Mystery of how the Idea of Freedom and the Feeling of Freedom are not the same thing, and what do I want to do about that.
- The Mystery of Depletion and how much of it there is, and how it seems sometimes to be ongoing.
- The Mystery of people who owe us money and aren’t paying it.
- The Mystery of how did I let it go this long.
- The many, many mysteries that have to do with shame about tightness and lack. And edges. We investigated those a lot this week.
- I can’t take American Independence Day. I cannot do it anymore. Next year I have to be somewhere else.
- The 8am explosions on the 5th. Actually, all day long explosions on the 5th. But the one in the morning especially. I have woken up to enough explosions, thank you very much.
- My poor sweet body is freaking out from PTSD and explosions and stress. Like a scared horse. I’m talking to it and loving it, and it is going through a rough time. Bruises, aches and pains, heat rash, stuff.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- Beach.
- Epiphanies.
- Sweetness.
- I can handle the hallway. I am getting good at hallway.
- Being adored.
- Colleen the Signmaker was here and she gave me a gift in the form of a pinecone. This gift was the exact right gift and also I like that the form was there too.
- Drake came to town, and this was good.
- I get 90 million sparklepoints for not having a total terrifying screaming meltdown on the 4th of July, and only being generally miserable instead.
- Dancing. Body loves the dancing.
- Being in my stuff and having someone say, “I love you, and whatever comes up, I will greet it with love.”
- A thing that used to be an area of lack and deficit is now an area of PLENTY. Maybe this will cross over to other parts of my life, I would really like that.
- Last week there were 3 not-good options that had just been reduced to 2 not-good options. This week there are lots of options, and some of them are super fun.
- I know what I want, and I am happy about it.
- Having released and emptied so much, I’m no longer attached to any of the things that were causing pain. This is new and big.
- I am okay.
- I have the most wonderful friends in the world.
- This is right.
- Things change, they just do. When I remember this, I can play.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of noticing what is different.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of enjoying the hallway.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of instantly remembering — and appreciating — that Now Is Not Then.
It sparkles slightly, because of all the PRESENCE in there.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Metaphorical Idaho.
It’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
We are in a bit of a crisis, which I will tell you more about later.
It is interesting, and not particularly fun, and — like all hard things — very, very useful.
If you have been thinking, “man, I would love to get X from Havi’s shop sometime”, it would be so very helpful if you could do that now. Now is a good time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #208: Operation ACTIVATE
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, evehttps://fluentself.com//wp-admin/admin.php?page=wordpress-related-posts&ref=adminbarn when asking feels conflicted.
I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
I know what I want now.
I mean, I know what I want. Like, in life.
This is kind of blowing my mind. I thought I knew before, and what I know now isn’t all that very different* but the way that I know it: SO VERY DIFFERENT.
* Although, yes, New Shit Has Come To Light, as the Big Lebowski would put it.
It might be that I am not explaining this very well. Such is the (infuriating) nature of epiphanies: they sound stupid when you put them into words.
Anyway, I know. What I want. I have so much information about it!
And in order to take Next Steps, there are certain missions that need to be activated.
The Op of the week is Operation ACTIVATE.
What I want.
Let us name the missions.
- Mission: Tradewinds. Consult Agents D, A, J and W on various aspects.
- Mission: Signmaking. Rendezvous with Colleen the Signmaker.
- Mission: It Has Already Been Given To You. Agents Wilk and Corn.
- Mission: No, really. It has already been given to you. Have Agent R call Kiva.
- Mission: Transmission. Transmission-mission. Hahaha. This is how you prep for The Rendezvous.
And mainly I want to stay connected to grounded enthusiasm, blissful steadiness, and the the compass of ACTIVATE, aka the qualities inside of the wants…
The qualities inside of the wants:
Readiness. Ease. Sustenance. Grounding. Opening. Plenty. Trust. Yes.
And the superpower or sankalpa of letting things be fun and playful.
What might help?
Each day one piece. Asking for help. Staying focused.
What else might help?
Pause and breathe.
I’m playing with…
Lots and lots of secret agent code.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Let’s find signs.
- Let’s make signs.
- Let’s go dancing.
- Let’s keep skipping all the stones.
- “Take a chance on me…”
- Miracles and perfect simple solutions: here before Friday, please.
- I know what I need and I know what I want, and not only am I okay with it, I’m acting on it.
- Oh look, that was so much easier than I thought it would be!
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Play. Plenty. Ease. Emptying. Release. Replenishing. Lightness. Light.
And the superpower of The New Openings Reveal Themselves.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I can see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Receptivity, grace, appreciation, treasuring things.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka Copy Copy Major Major.
This is where I laugh hysterically.
Last week I planted, among other things, the following wishes:
- San Diego is full of treasure.
- Nothing that can’t be solved by a bath.
- I know what I need and I know what I want, and this is okay.
- Solved!
And I got all four of those so hard that it is ridiculous. San Diego was not only full of treasure, it was full of the exact treasure I needed. See also: Solved! And it was all the baths that helped me get quiet enough to see the treasure. And, you guessed it, I know what I need and I know what I want, and this is okay. It’s more than okay. It’s exactly right.
Me-from-last-week is such a genius. I want to remember that.
Also, I wanted to write the copy, and I did. So that went pretty well. Yay.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #257: A fond ooh to you too, I guess.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
A change of scenery.
As we say in Hebrew: change your place, change your luck.
Or: Change your location, change your fortune.
Anyway, it can be useful.
This week it was VERY useful.
Next time I might…
Even more entry.
Changing location requires preparation. Conscious entry. Preparing for the voyage.
Really think about what I want from the experience.
Remember that travel always reveals Stuff.
Sometimes in the form of memories. Sometimes it’s just a matter of feeling disjointed, needing more time than expected to really arrive.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- All the [rhymes with headlines] are here.
- So many things I want to be doing, but well-rested is the only well that matters right now.
- Noise
- Giving up on things.
- Reconfiguring and adjusting.
- Oh boy, this is new.
- I need a phrase that means “I need some time to myself (because HSP!), and this has nothing to do with you, person I love and adore!”
- Travel.
- Exhaustion.
- Wanting.
- Fear.
- Some news that was very much not what I’d hoped for.
- A giant project that seemed like it would never be done.
- The Mystery of Too Many Baskets And I Don’t Like Any Of Them.
- The Mystery of What If There Is No Perfect Simple Solution Or: Why Can’t I Find One When I Need One So Very Badly?
- The Mystery of People With Machines That Beep.
- The Mystery of If I Know I’m Hypersensitive To Noise, Why Do I Not Have Earplugs With Me At All Times.
- My pain. Someone else’s pain. These pieces of pain interacting.
- New perspective.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- Quiet.
- Peacefulness.
- Perspective.
- Being here now.
- Sweetness.
- Perfect simple solutions exist.
- Trust.
- Amazing communication.
- A gorgeous unsweetened acai smoothie that was the best damn thing ever, at exactly the moment that I needed something to be the best damn thing ever.
- Sun salutations on the beach, covered in sand.
- Sun salutations in a park, inside of a circle of palm trees.
- Long meandering walks.
- Happy laughter.
- Operation Snack Time.
- Agents in Agency.
- Operation Serenity and the new compass. Serenity. Emptying. Replenishing. Ease. Newness. Insight. Trust. Yes.
- The word INSIGHT is also: in sight…
- What if the things I want are in sight and I am not seeing them? But I could see them if I got used to the idea that they were already here…
- Troosie knows best.
- Finished the big project.
- Also was able to send out the Y.E.A.R.book, and I am really, really pleased with it.
- Adding lemon to the water.
- Sage really does make everything better.
- Tiny miracles.
- I feel happy, despite the various situations, and despite all the Stuff. Just happy.
- Unconditional.
- Trust is west.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of loving. As in: I may not like situation X but I love that I am interacting with it consciously. Or: I may not like experience Y but I can still be full of love.
And a superpower I want next week.
More of the same please.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of meshaneh makom meshaneh mazal. Change your place, change your fortune.
It allows for tiny but meaningful shifts in perspective, moving you slightly over this way, adjusting a little that way. Suddenly you realize there is a more comfortable place (or way) to sit. Suddenly everything is a little bit lighter.
It smells the tiniest bit of berries, and it glows.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Fawn Do Fondue Fond Ooh.
They’re kind of avant garde, and their songs involve a lot of shouting in French. This is not my favorite band because they’re kind of discordant, but what a great name, right?
And yes: it turns out that it’s actually just one guy…
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys!
We made a Rally Care Package!
Actually, we made only three of them.
You can get them (and what’s left of the other goodies leaving the shop) on the newly updated Sail of Emptying page.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #207: Copy Copy Major Major
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
I have a bunch of copy to write. God what a boring sentence.
I mean, I have a HAT to decorate!
Anyway, there are words to be written, about a thing, in order to announce that thing.
I want to write these words, I feel confident in my ability to write these words, I am a little anxious about time and timing, because (as we know from last week), I’m dealing with some pretty big [rhymes with headlines] on other projects.
So.
What I want.
I want this to be fun, playful and easy. I want a clean, clear window of time for it. I want lighthearted companionship.
I want it to feel like being at Rally (Rally!)
The qualities inside of the wants:
I’m keeping the eight qualities from the past couple weeks, in the same order.
Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.
And the superpower or sankalpa of everything falls into place.
What might help?
Ask Richard to make the page pretty so I can just drop the words in.
Do this in the park.
Write it like a secret love letter.
What else might help?
Remembering that this is part of my process of Emptying and Replenishing, not something that is taking me away from it.
Remembering that Incoming Me is wise, so the more time I spend checking in with her on everything, the more smoothly all of this will be.
Do *other* things related to Emptying. Tell people about the secret sail of Toy Shop Emptying.
I’m playing with…
Letting words surprise me. Letting this be more fun than I think it will.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- San Diego is full of treasure.
- It’s a genius grant granted, genius.
- Skipping all the stones.
- Focus.
- Nothing that can’t be solved by a bath.
- I know what I need and I know what I want, and this is okay. .
- Solved!
Repeat-wishes
- Resting into miracles.
- Choosing quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Play. Confidence. Focus. Alignment. Love. Release. Glow. Energy.
And the superpower of All Timing Is Right Timing.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Joyfully.
I’m playing with…
Being willing to be surprised.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week..
Last week’s ask had to do with changing the soundtrack in my head from You’re So Trucked (okay, rhymes with trucked) to something else. I really liked the TRUCK acronym (trust receive undo create keys), and I also liked knowing that I had a response.
Silent retreat on everything else for now. 🙂
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox