What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Hello, September
It seems to be a tradition now of not saying hello to the month until we’re a week in. Which is probably good. Get a sense of it and all that.
Anyway, it’s September. And this is an experimental form, so I’m going to say hello to September differently than I did in either Hello, August or Hello, July (both of which were quite different from each other too).
And since I just talked about conscious entry the other day, this is good timing.
September and different kinds of September memories.
I know there’s going to be — for me — an oppressive amount of heavy, formal, expectation-laden memorializing this month, with the ten year anniversary of the United States finding out about the kind of terror that happens where you live.
(What’s definitely not going to happen is this.)
So it’s in the ether. I’m aware of it. And I will do my own private mourning/processing as necessary, along with other things to separate out from the larger cultural angst. Angstfest 2011!
But this is not where I want my focus.
I want to concentrate on happier anniversaries:
- 6 years (and a week!) since this website came into the world.
- 10 years since I recognized that my marriage was over (which was painful at the time but also this giant bell ringing FREEDOM!).
- 10 years since a life-changing trip to Chicago and Madison.
- 3 years since I decided it was time to be okay having a home. That’s how I ended up with Hoppy House, which is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
September and my body.
I would like us to ease into fall together.
To keep dancing and walking. To keep doing old Turkish lady yoga, aerobics, tramping and Shiva Nata.
To notice how our relationship (me with my body) changes as the weather changes.
To keep letting my body be the CEO and make the executive decisions.
I may start teaching a regular Shivanauttery class at the Playground.
And I want to get back to doing trainings for the roller derby girls.
September and time.
Morning begins at night.
And vice versa.
Entry and exit. Paying attention. Asking the right questions. Using the stone skipping cards. Working with Cairene.
September and rest.
I have a crazy busy ten days right now, with running the Shiva Nata training that started last night, and [verb]-ing Rally #13 next week.
Going to need to follow that up with (metaphorical) Island Time and then a proper vacation. Also making plans for a holiday in October.
September and space.
Noticing what’s happening in my relationship with my pirate queen quarters at the Playground, aka my Dressing Room.
Noticing how I interact with my space. Playing with boundaries. Wearing my crown. And the furry toy snake. Taking notes.
Doing more Shiva Nata specifically to identify the patterns and mess them up.
September and play.
I have lots of new costumes in the Costumery, and I’m planning on using them.
For the photo shoot with Kylie. For Bridgetown Brawl (Besterns!). For teaching and for writing.
And of course I shall wear my Shopkeeper Hat.
September and Gwishing.
I have many Gwishes for September.
Including:
- Progress on Hawaii.
- A fully, happy Crossing the Line 8 Day Voyage (formerly the Week of Biggification) in October.
- Move up to the larger weights. When I’m ready!
- More planning for the Shiva Nata dvd
- new morning walking ritual
- the 2012 Rallies filling up. Rally!
- To feel sovereign, supported and grounded.
- To take care of myself in every way I can.
- Naps! Lots and lots of naps.
- Sandwiches at the monkey.
- Seeing an old friend.
- Shivanautical biggification.
- The orange couch.
I’m putting these all into the pot with love.
Play with me! And comment zen for the blanket fort.
If you would like to think about your relationship with this September and you want to share stuff, go for it. Silently counts too!
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
We let other people have their stuff and take responsibility for our own stuff. And we do this through not giving other people advice or telling them how what to do or how to feel.
Kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Extra wishes for a safe, healthy, delight-filled September with lots of the good kind of surprises.
Have you seen me? I might be a tiny orange car, for example…
So last week in the Very Personal Ads I asked for bobble-whatzits and didn’t describe what they were very well.
Here is a PICTURE of what I mean:
Apparently, as it turns out, regular people call these placecard holders. That’s cool. Good to know!
Here’s the thing. I need a bunch of these for the Playground, and I was hoping you might have some.
And that if you have some that you do not need, that you could send them our way.
Especially if they are cute, colorful, childlike or otherwise sweet and creative.
But Havi, what are you going to do with all these bobble-whatzits?
There are a few things I have in mind.
Punch cards!
The Playground can be, among the many other mysterious shapes it takes, something of a hippie socialist cooperative.
If dishes need to be done, someone does them. If trash needs taking out, someone takes it out.
(The EXCEPTION to this: if your pattern is to be the person who always does the dishes or takes out the trash, you need to consciously not do these things. That’s because the Playground is all about lovingly noticing and interacting with patterns.)
Anyway, as part of this… we share punch cards.
For coffees and tea and books and grilled cheese sandwiches. We have punch cards from nearly every place in the neighborhood.
And these live in the bobble-whatzits. Say you’re rallying it up at Rally (Rally!) and you go out for a coffee: you take the card, get it punched — punch! — and bring it back.
Eventually someone gets a free coffee or a free grilled cheese sandwich or a free children’s book, and then they adore you forever. Even if they don’t know who you are. It’s good.
Announcements and notices.
Lots of things around the Playground could use some little descriptors.
Like the pink fairy door. Or one of the creative outlets (it’s a regular outlet but extra creative). Shuki the plant. The camel that Taylor gave us.
If we had more bobble-whatzits, we could put up little signs. I love signs.
In the Toy Shop.
As noted in the Toy Shop discussion, pretty much everything already has a price tag.
But there are some things that we can’t put price tags on because it doesn’t work.
For example, you can’t put a price tag on a pouncer. There is no way to do it. If you saw a pouncer, you would understand. There isn’t a way to stick something to a pouncer or tie something to a pouncer.
Unless you hid it in its mouth. But the thing with pouncers is, they don’t really like that.
We could cluster pouncers together and put up bobble-whatzit signs with the pouncer prices!
Same for the stone skipping card sets (password: elevate).
In the Galley.
Little signs for the tea and for the recycling and for the gnome that is secretly a bottle-opener.
Bobble-whatzits!
And maybe for actual placecards during the Halloween Party that’s happening during the Crossing the Line 8 Day Voyage. Or for the Great Ducking Out Running-Away-From-Thanksgiving picnic feast.
And probably for other things that I haven’t even thought of yet.
The point is: we are looking for them.
So: if you have bobble-whatzits (or placecard-holders) that you could send us, that would be hugely, hugely appreciated.
Here’s our mailing address:
The Fluent Self, Inc
1526 NE Alberta Street #218
Portland, OR 97211
United States
Or: if you found some cute ones online that you think I should buy, send me the link. Especially if someone you know makes them.
Thank you! And play with me…
You can invent other uses for bobble-whatzits with me…
Or names. Since we definitely need to call them something else. Or find a useful metaphor.
You can say HOORAY for the Playground and for all the changes we are making there (big redecorating in progress).
Celebration appreciated.
A love letter to you. For the moment in which you become an adventurer.
This is a letter to you.
It might be just the thing. It might also not make sense right now. It might speak to a tiny seed for later.
You might think it’s not for you because of situations and circumstances, but actually it is for you.
It is a letter for Slightly Future You, but you can read it now.
It is a letter for a version of you, the one who will be there when you decide to maybe yes maybe yes yes yes yes go ahead and journey to the Playground.
The you who will set off on a Rally (Rally!). Or a play training. Or another adventure entirely.
The point is: this is for you. Eventually.
My dear,
My dear,
There is something I have to tell you. It is a wonderful and a hard something.
When you sign up for this experience, you are saying YES to our grand adventure together, as well as to all the possibilities that it holds. Or at least a YES to meeting those possibilities and getting to know them.
You are saying YES to the voyage.
And there are some hugely important things about saying YES to a voyage that no one ever really talks about. We need to talk about them.
1. Saying YES to a voyage can be pretty freaking terrifying.
This is normal and to be expected. There is a very good reason for this, trust me.
2. A voyage — especially a voyage like this one — changes you.
There’s really no good way around this.
It just does. It changes you.
3. Not in a bad way.
It’s not like you become someone else.
You’re still you. It’s just better.
You become more of yourself. Filled up with shining, radiant you-ness.
Almost as if you’re suddenly…more at ease with yourself. More there. More at home in your life, and more at home making conscious, loving changes in your life.
Congruent. Present is another good word.
4. But you know what? Change is scary.
Even the very best kinds of totally-good-for-you and desired change are scary. Even the changes that you have hungered after and wished for.
And this deep, powerful becoming-more-you identity change is extra-triple-quadruple scary.
Internal shifting. It’s hard stuff.
5. Because there are parts of you who are deeply invested in these changes not happening.
What do I mean by parts of you?
Old fear and old hurts.
Sad, scared, younger versions of you who forget that now is not then.
Grooves of patterns. Samskaras. Neurons running down their familiar pathways. Assumptions and habits. And Fuzzball monsters.
They don’t want you to have this experience. They don’t want to lose you.
And they suspect that once you do this, they won’t be able to keep you paralyzed with fear anymore.
6. Forces in motion. Equal and opposite reaction.
So in that moment of making a commitment to the forces of positive change, you’ve set something in motion.
And that something includes all the forces of resistance that DON’T want it. Ack! No motion! Make it stop!
You have invoked the wanting, and with it you have woken up all the aspects of you who are afraid of what will happen when you get it.
The desire is fighting with the fear of what is desired. And you might perceive this as: anxiety, stuckness, heart-palpitations, dread, paralysis, doom, oh-dear-lord-what-have-I-done?!
I repeat: all of this is normal. This is okay. The resistance is a sign that you really do want it. But yes, it is not fun.
7. And the experience has already begun.
You’ll think that the voyage is happening on the dates you’ve marked off on your calendar but that’s not true.
The adventure and all the trepidation/panic/excitement that goes along with it does not begin when you arrive at the Playground.
It’s happening from the moment you sign up.
It’s happening from the moment you decide.
It’s happening from the moment you know. Maybe even the moment before that.
Something has been set in motion.
8. I have to tell you something else.
Even if you’ve never done Shiva Nata (which is fine), I think you’ll understand this:
People who are not shivanauts think that they are their patterns.
“I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m upset. I’m freaking out.”
As if: This is a truth about the universe that I have identified, and it is completely factual, and this experience is the entirety of my being. It defines me.
While people who do Shiva Nata know that everything is a pattern.
“Fear. This feels familiar. Oh, right. Pattern.
“This is information. This is useful. This is normal. This is interesting.
“So. How can I interact with this? What elements do I recognize? Where are the gaps?
“How can I lovingly, intentionally and creatively acknowledge and interrupt this pattern so it can be rewritten?”
You can decide to approach things that way too. Anything. That’s what this site and my six-year-old business and my entire life are all about.
9. Call it by name.
In that moment of anxiety about saying YES to the adventure, you can name it for what it is:
This is me, going through the normal thing that happens upon saying yes to the big adventure. And I get to interact with this experience. It’s not happening to me. I am approaching it.
10. Choose conscious entry.
Several years ago, I did a training in Israel with Dharma Mittra, and he said this beautiful thing about yoga poses.
Try to enter and exit a posture as you would want to be in it.
This concept made my brain explode and also I really did not like it.
I already had my grunt-and-struggle ways of getting in and out of things. All this attention to entry and exit seemed like just another thing to feel guilty/sad about.
But later I appreciated this. Conscious entry. Conscious exit. It’s what we practice at Rally (Rally!)
We do it here on too. In the Friday Chicken, the weekend VPAs, the saying Hello, Day or Hello, Month or Hello, Moon or Hello, Rain.
So in this moment of YES to a voyage: what if you entered as you wanted to be in it?
If you want to feel calm, peaceful, energized and sparkly-excited at Rally, call on those qualities when you press the YES button.
11. Like this:
What if you intentionally made space for the fear and the worry?
You can make safe rooms for yourself.
You can find out why now is different than then.
You can call for a negotiator or use metaphor mouse or color in a monster or listen to my Emergency Calming The Hell Down audio.
You can experiment and play. Without diving into the hard and the scary, acknowledging its existence. Interacting with its existence. Staying at the edges.
You can get grounded and centered for the YES, knowing the fluttery butterflies are part of adventuring.
You can know that you are loved and adored. You are welcome and you belong. I do not expect anything of you except for what is already there.
You are ready. And the adventure will happen as it needs to happen.
That was my love letter. And here’s the blanket-fort comment zen.
Working on your stuff is hard. I’ve been doing pretty much nothing but this for the past nearly seven years and it’s still hard. Less hard. But still.
It’s a practice. It takes time and repetition. We make room for the hard and painful parts. We give ourselves and each other spaciousness and permission. We take responsibility for our experience.
We don’t tell each other what to do or how to feel. We pause (paws!) and breathe. We bring the hard parts to the fountain.
Very Personal Ads #113: walk this way
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
I have to tell you something funny.
Last week I wanted to put in an Very Personal Ad about rewriting the Rally (Rally!) page. And didn’t.
Mainly because I knew there wouldn’t be time to work on it, so why bother asking for something that wasn’t going to happen.
But then last night I was hit with a post-shivanautical crazed rush of inspiration and flow. So I rewrote the page. Thank you, silent VPA!
Okay! Onward to this week.
Thing 1: More walking. And different walking.
Here’s what I want:
I have been exploring bits and pieces of my city that I don’t know as well. And I want more walking! And companionship and exploration.
Ways this could work:
This marvelous book I have called WALK THERE!
Maybe one of my new walking companions will want to pick a walk at random and go try it out.
There are also a bunch of ideas here, though I don’t yet have a sense of what appeals to me.
Maybe I’ll start my own walking club. For PDX Shivanauts!
Hmmm. What are the qualities behind the desire?
I wish for: [+strength] [+inspiration] [+perspective] [+moderation] [+patience] [+creativity] [+flow] [+endurance] [+equilibrium] [+discovery] [+belonging].
My commitment.
To do some more meditating and stone skipping on what this wish entails.
To do a bit of research about walks and walking groups to see what appeals to me.
To be filled with love for where I live.
Thing 2: The new pickle!
Here’s what I want:
I’m in the process of redoing the application system for my retreats and programs. Right now it’s called the Pickle Page. It’s changing.
There will also be applications for Rally (Rally!).
But I had a brilliant idea about how to do this in a way that would make it more fun and less terrifying.
And now I need to implement that idea. Ideally soon because I am in the process of brunching Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage.*
So. I need time, space and to be in the zone.
* Formerly known as the Week of Destuckification/ the Week Biggification. Better in every way.
Ways this could work:
Some Shiva Nata, of course.
This will need music. And probably a visit from metaphor mouse.
My commitment.
To stay connected to the essence: ease, play and lightness.
To remember the purpose.
To eat a pickle. And maybe a knish. This might require a knish.
Thing 3: This is a body one and a systems one
Here’s what I want:
I have about a week and a half of teaching coming up. The Shiva Nata Academy Training starts Wednesday. Then Monday is already the September Rally.
So between this Wednesday and the following Thursday, I’m practically going to be living at the Playground.
Which will be amazing and beautiful.
But it also means that I won’t get to go to my usual dance classes or do my usual tramping or any of that.
I want a plan/system/map for spending quality time with my body.
Ways this could work:
Maybe buying some audio or video downloads and doing my workout at the Playground.
More Shiva Nata and old Turkish lady yoga, of course.
There are some studios near the Playground that I could visit.
Maybe one of my friends could sit down with me and help me think this through, because it’s the sort of thing that I have trouble doing on my own. Talking it out will be useful.
My commitment.
To keep talking to my body, telling it how much I care, finding out what it needs, committing to being present.
Thing 4: the whisper brunch!
Here’s what I want:
To tell people about Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage.
Ways this could work:
I think I actually planned this out at the last Rally, so I’ll look at my notes.
But mainly this is about committing to the whispering.
My commitment.
To whisper happily. To fill up on love.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted Bobble Whatzits! And didn’t get any. But I did find out what they’re called: placecard holders. So now I can reformulate that ask.
I also wanted a tiny designated notebook for Today I experienced, and I have one. It’s pink.
Then there was a list of things I wanted for the Playground. Zero progress there. My sense is that I need to talk more about what these items mean and put out a clear request. Will try that next week.
Then I wanted rituals for Morning Begins At Night. Still working on this one.
And I wanted love stories for the Great Ducking Out, and didn’t get any. But Shiva Nata gave me the best idea ever for how to go about doing this, so that’s cool.
Interesting. In my head I had already decided that last week’s asks were all flops and needed to be re-asked. But actually there was quite a lot of progress. Yay, VPAs!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #161: I don’t actually know how to whistle
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Once more I am in denial. This whole wait-now-it’s-September bit has thrown me for a loop.
Excuse me while I stick my fingers in my ears and sing lalalalala.
Or as Lisa does it, lalalalala must go eat pancakes.
Anyway, this week! It happened. How was it?
The hard stuff
Oh, hormones.
Tantrums and raging and hating everything.
Charming.
Also, related: extreme hypersensitivity to the smell of smoke.
Which normally wouldn’t be a big deal since I don’t know anyone who smokes. But apparently this week was Everyone-in-Portland-Smoke-Like-A-Fiend Week and no one told me.
Sore shoulder.
And I keep forgetting about it and making it worse.
Rushed. The Grumblethrum Collective are not happy.
All my time monsters were extra loud.
And the Grumblethrum Collective had all sorts of things to say about their perceptions of lack and of everything Being Squozed. Their word choice.
But seriously, time is flying. And the transitions are bumpy.
I always forget that Oregon does this thing where it goes from summer to fall with zero intermediary anything.
One night you’re trying to sleep while glued to the fan, the next night you’re piling on the blankets and wondering where the flannel sheets went.
One morning you’re wandering around the light-filled house in your underwear, the next morning it’s hoodies and slippers in the dark.
I used to think that it was just this weird blip on my part. A lack of mindfulness. Temporary amnesia. But it’s not. Things just switch up really, really, really fast.
The truth is, I adore autumn. And this summer has been amazing. No regrets.
But something about the switch triggered my It’s All Happening Too Fast stuff, and there was a mini-freakout there too.
Also there are only six days until the Shiva Nata training and then it’s already Rally (Rally!) and then it’s practically October.
ARGH.
Just argh. So many times argh.
Sometimes I just don’t like anyone.
This is also hormonal and it will pass. But it still sucks.
Being misunderstood. Or perceiving that I have been misunderstood.
I do not like this.
The good stuff
An actual weekend! For meeeee!
And a lovely one.
With merby and derby and lots of napping.
Plus partner yoga-ing with Danielle.
Delicious cart food and also Captured By Porches.
My shopkeeper’s hat.
It really is a great hat.
Plus now it has a story. Everything’s better with a story.
The Toozday Shiva Nata class.
An amazing group of people.
Brilliant practice. It was fantastic.
And the epiphanies have been flying!
Hooray and a thousand times again hooray for the craziness that is Shiva Nata.
Big and wonderful changes at the Playground.
We’re redoing lots of things.
Moving stuff around. Reorganizing.
It’s all very exciting.
Clean house.
It’s clean. I feel good!
Happy Hoppy House.
Whisper-Brunch!
Can’t give details yet because it’s still being whispered, but I am in love — madly — with this new thing I’ll be teaching. Soon, I promise.
Many sweet and wonderful moments in which everything is actually pretty great.
Sometimes I forget about these but there were actually lots of them this week.
Body is happy.
Other than the shoulder.
But happy, still.
Thank you, body.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is a local one:
Always Whistle First
They’re doing shows all over the place. Check them out if you get a chance. Although I heard it’s actually just one guy.
Announcement time!
- I wanted to remind you: Rally prices have to go up in 2012. Which is weirdly soon. And those Rallies are already filling up pretty quickly. So take a look at the SCHEDULE for this new year and make a Gwish about when/how.
- The Shiva Nata iPhone app! Have you tried it? If you don’t have an iThingy (Chuck‘s word?), hang out in pubs until you meet someone who does! Then borrow their phone for five minutes each day. 🙂
- The monster manual & coloring book will be required reading for a number of my courses next year. Put it on your wish list.
I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.