What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Metaphor Mouse and some post-imperialist destuckifying
Background: the metaphor technique is something I’ve adapted from Suzette Haden Elgin‘s teachings. It’s an amazing tool for destuckifying.
It’s also how I discovered that I work on a pirate ship and defeated the hackers. And cured my fear of being beautiful.
More recently we turned my dreaded Tickler file into an Iguana Watcher’s Guide And doing taxes happens in a Secret Money Cave where I visit my treasures and make Tribute to the lands that allow me access to their fair harbours.
Metaphor Mouse to the rescue!
The situation.
So. I was talking shop with a [very nice, very successful, male, significantly older than me] colleague, and we ended up in one of those clashes of opinion whose entanglements are primarily semantic.
He was using phrases like “taking over the world” and “world domination” and “full growth potential” and “building your empire”. And “taking it to the next level”.
And while I’m into biggification that happens in a mindful, conscious way, all this talk of dominating hugeness is sooooo not my cup of grown-in-my-backyard tea.
So he was thinking I was hitting some personal walls of my own fears of biggification, which okay, yeah, I have some.
But as we talked it out* it became clear that this was really more about vocabulary.
* NVC FTW! It is still astonishing to me how many disagreements turn out not to be disagreements as soon as I remember to apply Non Violent Communication.
Wait! A really important thing that needs to be said before I continue with the post!
Words are individual. Definitions and associations: even more so.
So if you like having an empire or dominating things, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. And it doesn’t mean that your way is wrong, or that we can’t be each others’ right people.
It just means that each of us gets to work on our own stuff in our own way. This is me figuring out things for me. And I sincerely hope that me-working-on-my-stuff and processing out loud doesn’t step on your stuff, because that’s not my intention at all. Okay?
Okay. Back to the stuck.
He really couldn’t understand why I didn’t want an empire. And I couldn’t understand why wanting one was so important.
It took us a while to figure out that we actually both want similar things in our businesses. We just have really different ways of talking about them.
As it turned out, it wasn’t my biggification monsters showing up. It’s a much more basic discomfort (and personal associations) with this vocabulary of dominance and dominating and kicking-of-ass.
Which is not a culture I feel at home in.
[NOTE: I don’t at all need things to be huggy and lovey. There can totally be Bruce Lee moves and jedi stuff. I just don’t want to dominate anything. Not my style.]
So it was clear that — whether I want to biggify more or just be able to talk about what I’m already doing — it’s time to find a vocabulary that does describe what I want.
And who better for that job than … Metaphor Mouse!
All together now! To the tune of I am Iron Man. Yes. Still.
“I am Metaphor Mouse … doo da doo doo doo doo doo!”
Unpacking my current relationship with this.
What are the qualities, aspects, associations, attributes of my PERSONAL DEFINITION of the problem word (including what *is* working — if anything)?
(EMPIRE = ?)
[+ crushing opponents]
[+ unkind]
[+ sprawling]
[+ conflict]
[+ governed through strength]
[+ rapacious]
[+ unclear boundaries]
[+ constant growth]
[+ hard to get a handle on]
[+ requires forceful maintenance]
[+ can’t afford to be compassionate]
[+ dominance]
[+ masculine]
[+ imperialism]
[+ mainstream]
[+ influence]
[+ power]
[+ ability to get stuff done]
[+ respected]
[+ thriving]
[+ could be awesome]
[+ Death Star]
[+ storm troopers]
Reminds me of? Makes me think of?
Alright. I know I was going all Star Wars there, but when I asked this question the first thing that popped into my mind was: Napoleon.
So Napoleon it is.
Learning more about my IDEAL metaphor (X = ?)
What sort of qualities, aspects and feelings does the thing I want contain?
[+ power]
[+ sovereignty]
[+ thriving]
[+ clear boundaries]
[+ I get to be Pirate Queen]
[+ nonviolent]
[+ well-defined]
[+ contained]
[+ silly]
[+ playful]
[+ sustainable]
[+ good relations]
[+ independence]
[+ margins]
[+ support]
[+ community]
[+ queer-friendly]
[+ grounded]
[+ strong]
[+ fierce]
[+ creative]
[+ using powers for good]
[+ healthy growth]
[+ respected]
[+ flexible]
[+ freedom]
Reminds me of? Makes me think of?
Mmmmm.
Safe harbour for my pirate ship and my people. Something with both isolation and connection. An island kingdom? Treasure island? An enchanted island? A hidden island?
It’s definitely an island. But not some little island with a lone palm tree sticking out of it.
It’s substantial. And also protected from other people’s imperial enterprises.
It’s more like … Vancouver Island. Size-wise, I mean.
If Vancouver Island was home to the Emerald City. And belonged to me. And had a lagoon that was named after my duck.
It’s like … Sovereignty Island.
What do you think, Metaphor Mouse? Are we at metaphor?
Uh, no. But this is a really bizarre (and therefore excellent) direction.
What needs to happen next?
My designer needs to produce a map. A gorgeous, gorgeous map.
Also, at least one city needs to be called Selmopolis. Okay, maybe that’s going a little too far.
But definitely a lagoon. We need a lagoon.
And how do we make it more fun?
We’ll start with the maps and go from there. But I have some ideas …
Anything else?
You know, it’s so hard to know where word-resistance and/or personal definitions come from.
In the case of me and my friend, we’re both successful entrepreneurs. There isn’t a class gap, but there are gender and generation gaps.
And it can be so difficult to tell how much of our talking past each other is due to that, and how much is more about our personal values and associations related to different words and concepts.
For me, the take-away is: it’s useful to take time to unpack the words I use, so that I can either rewrite my own personal definition of them or find a new word.
Because if my resistance to something buried in that word is keeping me from moving forward, that isn’t good for anyone involved.
Again, words are individual.
You can absolutely have an empire if you want one. I will still like you.
This process isn’t about deciding which words are good. It’s about figuring out what stuff trips us up so that we can rewrite it.
And often as not, a word or an association or a metaphor that works wonders for one person is meaningless for someone else.
Here’s what I don’t care about: what you end up calling something. Here’s what I do care about — a lot: the freedom and play that come with consciously interacting with words and with everything else in your life.
Play with me! And comment zen for today.
Anyway. You are more than welcome to practice your own Metaphor Mouse-ing in the comments — anything you’re working on is fine.
Or to think out loud about stuff that’s troubling you. Mess around with words and wordishness! Or get brainstorming help from other commenter mice.
Maybe you just want to be happy for me and my new baby metaphor. Always appreciated!
As always: we let people have their own experience, and we don’t tell them what to do (unless someone specifically asks for help).
Come play. It will be fun!
Oh boy it’s the vacation monster.
Yep. Talking to my monsters again. Last time it was the Skabbatical monster and the Book monster.
Then on Official Pirate Queen Holiday I had the best idea for the most perfect thing ever: a long, sweet writing vacation. Not just going on Skabbatical but being somewhere fabulous for it.
And I knew this was something I really, really wanted because about ten monsters showed up immediately and were extremely emphatic about what a terrible idea this is.
I made it clear that I’ll only deal with one at a time. This is the one who showed up.
And of course I took notes, scribbling furiously in an effort to keep up. It was pretty trippy, for the record. Shocking, I know. Here we go.
Shame!
Me: Thanks. It was getting really hard to hear with all the yelling. So. Can you tell me what your issues are with this?
Monster: Too many to even list!
Me: Well, what if you just list as many as you can?
Monster: Okay. It’s stupid. It’s frivolous. And there is nothing worse than doing things that are frivolous. It’s not a good use of your time. You don’t have the money. You can’t justify this. No one can ever know about it because it’s so …. peinlich.
Me: Wait, you’re German? I have German monsters?
Monster: You’re avoiding the issue. This thing you want is embarrassing. Shame! Shame on you. That’s the main thing.
Me: Uh…
Monster: But also your business will suffer. And it’s not fair to your gentleman friend. And you’re abandoning Hoppy House. And your whole business will fall apart. And no one can EVER KNOW that you even want this thing because if they find out, they’ll lose all respect for you. Shame!
Traitor!
Me: Ah, you mean because people don’t understand what vacations are like. They don’t know the kind of awesome creative explosions that I get on holiday.
Monster: Are you out of your mind? If someone finds out you were even considering spending that much money on a VACATION?! You’re doomed! No one will ever respect you again. No one will ever be able to relate to you again. Your credibility will be shot to pieces.
Me: Oh. You’re afraid people will lose respect for me.
Monster: They’ll know what a traitor you are! They’ll be disappointed. They’ll abandon you like you abandoned them. They’ll know that you betrayed them.
Me: Ah. This isn’t about vacation, is it? This is about betrayals and shame again. Old stuff.
Monster: Maybe. But my point still stands.
Pain.
Me: Which point is that?
Monster: If your people find out, they will detest you. Why would you even want to risk that? How can you help them if they can’t stand you?
Me: That doesn’t strike me as especially likely. You really think that’s what will happen? And is that the only option of how this could go, in your opinion?
Monster: Remember the noozletter of that one biggified chick? When she was all, ooh look at me I’m in vacation in Paris and this is the view from my fancy hotel, don’t you want to be fabulously successful like me, you should buy my blah blah product. And then you unsubscribed because she was so annoying.
Me: You’re right. I did.
Monster: See? That’s what will happen!
Me: I’m glad you don’t want that to happen. Can you really imagine me doing something like that?
Monster: No, not intentionally. But a lot your people are really, truly struggling. A lot of times they’re working a gazillion hours a week at a job they hate and they’re working on destuckifying, using your techniques and they’re working on their thing. How DARE YOU take three months off? How dare you?!
Not off.
Me: Well, to be fair, it’s not off. It’s not time off. It’s three months devoted to working on one specific project.
Monster: (accusing) That will make you money.
Me: Well, yeah. That’s one of the perks of having a business, once it reaches a certain level of healthiness. And anyway, if it helps people and makes money, isn’t that okay? And I cannot believe you are ganging up on me like this with my money monsters when you said you’d come alone. And when we’re supposed to be discussing my Skabbatical.
Monster: So it’s not vacation.
Me: No. Though, to be honest, that would be nice. We might have to have a talk about that someday too.
Monster: It’s not vacation?
Back to the shame shame shame again …
Me: No. It’s projectizing. Intentional projectizing time.
Monster: But such an extravagant environment for it? Is that really necessary? So much money? What if you get caught? EXPOSED! Shame!
Me: Wait a minute. Are you implying … wait, that can’t be right. It kind of sounds as though you don’t really care whether or not I do this as long as no one finds out about it. Can that be right? What happened to “all things that cost money are bad”?
Monster: As long as no one finds out — AND — as long as you are working — AND — as long as you are convinced that this particular environment will help you be creative and produce (which I have seen happen and so I believe it), it isn’t necessarily bad. You know, in this particular situation.
Me: I don’t believe this. Really?! You don’t care about the all-luxury-is-bad thing anymore? We’re over that one? Ohmygod.
Monster: But NO ONE can find out. Ever. And here’s the thing. Someone could. Someone probably will. And you do not want to risk that. Remember the people who were jealous and horrified when you bought the really nice mattress? Remember?
Me: Yeah.
Monster: Yeah.
Me: Okay. So I’m on board! What’s our plan?
Monster: Our plan? Our plan? Huh?
Our plan!
Me: Our plan! We either need a Super Secret Glamorous Spy plan to not get found out. Or we need to have a plan to bring it out into the open, and frame it in such a way that my people will get it.
Monster: Get it? Get it how?
Me: Listen, my people like me.
Monster: Pfffffft. If you say so.
Me: Whatever. Either way. They like the fact that the stuff I write about is useful to them. And so if this is a trip designed to help me write more things that are useful and better things that are useful … and if I’m still going to be posting regularly to the blog, why wouldn’t they be happy for me? You’re the one they don’t like, anyway.
Monster: You are delusional, my crazy, crazy friend. Sure, they’d be supportive of the idea, maybe. But not if they knew how much it costs to take three months off. That’s luxury. You can’t flaunt luxury. It’s extravagant. It’s disgusting. Shame!
Me: Yeah, I know. We’ve covered this so many times. And yet, it still sounded for a while there like you wanted me to have this beautiful writing project vacation.
Monster: I do. You deserve it.
Me: What? Who are you?!
Monster: I know you.
Me: You know me?
Remembering.
Monster: Remember Berlin?
Me: How could I forget Berlin?
Monster: Huddled in the cold. Writing the very first version of your website? You were amazing. But your situation was so … shaky. The abandoned building, the punks in the yard, the squatters, the junkies, the complete and utter lack of funds, lack of plans, lack of options.
Me: I remember. I was there. And that wasn’t even the worst we’ve been in, not by a long shot.
Monster: So, I don’t know, it seems like poetic justice somehow. Having three months to travel, be somewhere beautiful, eat good food, write your heart out and create something that the world needs. It sounds really good, actually.
Me: Are you sure you’re one of my monsters? Did I accidentally invoke a helper mouse instead? I do not believe what I’m hearing.
Monster: But no one can know — you cannot ever tell them, because they won’t understand. They weren’t there. They never slept in a kindergarten. They don’t know loss like you know loss. They can’t understand the way you have lived. They won’t get it. They won’t understand that this is about redemption.
Who doesn’t know loss.
Me: I’m not sure that I understand that this is about redemption either. But either way, I think that’s kind of presumptuous. How can either of us know what my people have gone through?
Monster: I don’t know.
Me: That’s my point. How can we know what kinds of loss they have experienced? Anyway, who hasn’t experienced loss and pain? So what if they weren’t there? Why should we assume that they won’t or can’t understand?
Monster: Do you really want to risk being shunned?
Me: Whoah. Who is shunning? What are you talking about?
Monster: (closed eyes and deep scary voice) They’ll cut you off. You will have no community. You will die alone.
Me: Wait. Who are you? This sounds like really old stuff. It’s not from now, is it?
Monster: (emerges from trance): Huh? Maybe.
Clearing.
Me: Listen. How much of this belongs to now?
Monster: (shrugs)
Me: Come on. Give me a percentage.
Monster: Five percent. Maybe seven.
Me: Okay. So we’re going to give the rest back to wherever it came from. And how much of what’s left belongs to me?
Monster: Not very much.
Me: So it can go back to where it came from too.
Monster: I guess.
Me: So what’s this shunning thing about?
Monster: I don’t know. That was weird. I’m not sure where that came from but you’re right. It really doesn’t have anything to do with your life. My job is to protect you from disaster but I’m not going to fight disasters that don’t exist. Not anymore.
Me: Thank you.
Monster: Sure.
Me: Where do we stand now?
Monster: In relation to?
Me: Three months of Skabbatical.
Monster: I still really don’t like the idea of people knowing.
Me: What can’t they know?
Monster: How much you spend on it. And you cannot be too loud in your enjoyment. It can’t seem like you’re lording it over them. You have to write about the sucky parts too.
Me: I always do, no?
Monster: Yeah, but you have to be careful. It could seem like you’re bragging.
Me: What, that I’m working on the book?
Monster: You’re moving forward on a dream. That shit pisses people off. Don’t you know that yet? How have you not learned that yet?!
Responsibility and freedom.
Me: Who? Who am I supposedly going to be pissing off?
Monster: You know who.
Me: Say it.
Monster: Nuh-uh. Not going to say it. You know.
Me: I don’t, actually. Is it __________? Is it X? Is it Y?
Monster: Who cares. There are a lot of people in your life who don’t act on stuff they want. Do you really want to be responsible for their pain?
Me: No.
Monster: I told you so.
Me: But that’s because I’m not responsible.
Monster: What? What are you talking about?
Me: It has nothing to do with me. It’s not my responsibility. It’s their responsibility to do stuff with their dreams. If the steps I take inspire them, yay. If not, oh well. It has nothing to do with me.
Gotcha.
Monster: Remember how you wanted to spend this week getting better at being sovereign?
Me: Yeah.
Monster: Behold the master. Shaka!
Me: Dude, have you been devil’s-advocate-ing me? No way! Get out of town!
Monster: You’re the queen, baby. You’re the queen.
Me: I don’t believe this.
Monster: That’s how transformation works. Or have you not noticed?
Me: So we’re done here?
Monster: You wanna hit the bar?
And … comment zen for today.
So yeah. Talking to monsters is challenging, intimidating and can be really painful. I’m so sorry. And I highly recommend having a Negotiator with you at all times.
Anyway. We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We all get to talk about what we’re working on. We’re here to support each other.
This is an incredibly personal thing I’m sharing here — not to be told what to do with it, but in the hope that someone else gets a glimpse of something useful. Love, as always, to everyone who reads.
Turning points.
A client of mine has been going through a hard.
Some seriously menacing dragons showed up in her space to breathe fire at her. And they wouldn’t let her build a castle.
It was crappy.
We decided that we would outwit the video game by not doing any of the normal things (i.e. panicking, running away, being paralyzed with fear, pouting, raging, yelling, fighting, etc).
We would subvert the tired fight-vs-flight dichotomy by choosing none of the above.
And we decided to consciously, intentionally walk in a new direction until the perfect spot for her new bad-ass castle revealed itself.
Anyway. I am of the opinion that this (extremely hard and not fun) situation is sure to become one of her crucial turning points.
So now I’m thinking about turning points.
Except that turning points are so often easier to see in retrospect.
When you’ve gone far enough past them that you can see where and how the turning happened.
So I thought we could try to pinpoint some of the turning points in my own business, and maybe we’ll be able to reverse-engineer some bits of usefulness.
Maybe.
The first point of turning.
Not getting the domain I wanted! Drama!
You can read about this in How The Fluent Self Got Its Spots.
There were two turns in this one.
The first was consciously deciding that I was not going to do the usual thing and be pissed off at the world about the unfairness of it all. And instead I was going to find something that worked better.
This felt very weird and uncomfortable and not me. But also open. Full of possibility.
And the second turning was the way not getting the thing I wanted turned out to be the best thing ever.
Because now I get to be the pirate queen of The Fluent Self, Inc, most fabulous ship on the high seas. With a duck. Take that!
As opposed to being the duck-less president of a super-boring thing whose name is too embarrassing to ever be mentioned.
My own turning points …
Here are the ones that come to mind when I think about how my business has grown and transformed over the past five years.
And please bear in mind, this stuff was hard and frustrating and took time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Etc.
Bringing Selma into the business.
I don’t remember exactly when I stopped hiding the fact that yeah, I have a duck.
But I do remember the concerned expressions of the expert-ey people who said or implied that it didn’t look professional
Which, at the time, was my biggest nightmare.
Apparently, there are people who believe that if you want to make money, you can’t tell the general public that your business partner is a toy.
Pfffffft. Selma is hardly a toy. So I didn’t listen to them. That turned out to be a good thing. A really good thing.
For one thing, Selma is the best red velvet rope ever. And I probably wouldn’t have ended up on the front page of the New York Times Style section without her either.
Signing up for my first class.
When I first started my business, I had no money.
So any business advice I got was gleaned from newsletters and articles and any freebie resources I could get my hands on.
And after a while this became a matter of pride. Like, why would you pay for help when it’s all over the internet?! And anyway, everything I made was being invested back into my business.
When I finally took a class (with Andy, who is brilliant and wonderful and hysterically funny), I realized how stupid this was.
First of all, taking classes is investing in your business. Second, you make connections in classes that change everything. Third, the best way to learn how to run your own online programs (and how not to) is to take someone else’s.
Fourth, you meet biggified people who will later give you testimonials for your stuff.
Launching my first product.
Not that it made any money for a while.
Because it took its sweet time before we got to the point where product sales were paying my salary.
But because having products made me look crazy biggified. And all sorts of useful things came out of that. Wish I’d done it sooner.
Cutting out workshops.
When I started my business, it was based on live teaching and private coaching.
So I was constantly in the process of setting up workshops, teaching workshops, recovering from workshops.
I had to do them, since they were awesome. And since that’s how I got clients.
But it was exhausting. And at a certain point I decided we had to take a break. And that Selma and I wouldn’t do live teaching again until we were famous and people were standing in line to do a class with us.
And that’s what happened. Good decision.
Getting on Twitter.
I was hugely resistant to this one.
But about two and a half years ago, someone talked me into it.
And thank god for that. Because it’s my favorite bar.
And because it’s the magical place where I never talk about business but where most of my business comes from. Crazy and wonderful.
I’m @havi. Say kazoo!
Starting the blog.
That was two years ago. And it was the smart thing to do .
Thank you.
Dropping the noozletter.
I really dreaded writing the noozletter.
And I didn’t like having a list. And all the pressure to have it and build it and do things with it.
Not having one went against every piece of business advice I’ve ever been given, but I just didn’t care anymore.
Anyway, I don’t have a list. And we still make a very good living.
Rock on.
Email sabbatical.
Born of desperation, it was hard and frustrating. And pissed some people off.
But my life is seven thousand times better now. So yay.
Okay, figuring out what these turning points have in common.
Reverse-engineering time.
Or at least looking at the elements.
Here’s what I see. They include:
- that moment of realizing that I’ve been wrong about everything.
- permission to follow a want
- permission for the want to be stronger than things like say, common sense, or what everyone else is telling me to do.
- connection over isolation
- but also removing myself from situations that are painful or uncomfortable
- safety and sanctuary
- sovereignty
And … where to go from here.
I don’t know if it’s useful to know that a pivot is happening as it is happening.
I don’t know if we need to necessarily be able to recognize the turns.
But I do think it’s useful to play with the elements.
Because I’m planning on taking many more turns. And I’m planning on these turns getting easier.
More smoothness. Less agonizing. More effortlessness. Less questioning. More fun. Less predictability.
Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful.
And I hope that some of your dragons turn into helper mice.
And that you see turning points everywhere.
The Fox Who Designed Video Games
I have all kinds of things I want to say about this fox.
But if this is going to even slightly make sense, I have to explain the Video Game Technique.*
* A useful thing my students/clients use to simultaneously practice several of the principles we work with. If you’ve never played a video game, just pretend. No video-game-secrets needed in order to get this.
The Video Game Technique.
You’re playing a video game and you run into a wall. Smack. Ow.
Well, your avatar ran into a wall. You’re still on the couch. But still.
A massive wall. Right in front of you. Blocking your progress.
What do you do? You look for options.
It’s a video-game world, so you know there’s a way past it.
You try to go over it, under it, around it, through it.
If there is absolutely no way over the wall, you go left or right. Or you go back and try something else.
If over the wall doesn’t work, you don’t just keep trying to go over it seventy two more times. You look for a different way to get past it. You try new things.
How this is different from real life.
In real life, we are constantly running into walls.
Here’s what most of us do when we run into a wall. Smack. Ow.
Then we run into it again. Smack. Ow. Hey, look. The wall is still there.
We might try to get around it. But then we run into it again. Smack. Ow.
We step back. And then forward. Smack. Ow.
Then we cry, rage, complain. We tell our friends and our therapists and anyone who will listen about how much we hate this stupid piece of crap wall and how it won’t just go away.
And it doesn’t even occur to us that there might be another way past.
Ask most people if they’ve tried going left or right yet, and they don’t know. They don’t keep track of how they’ve approached the wall – they’re just stuck in a rut. Smack. Ow.
When you use the video game technique, here’s what happens.
You get sharper. More alert.
For one thing, the wall is a challenge. Not a sign that your life sucks or that you’re an incompetent loser.
Also: you’re keeping track of what you try and how well it works.
Under doesn’t work, around doesn’t work, over doesn’t work.
Okay, am I correct in assuming that I even need to get past this thing? What are the options that I haven’t tried yet? Have I missed anything?
You’re curious. You’re intrigued. You’re ready to try new stuff.
This is good.
Why it’s so important.
The video game technique is a classic destuckification tool because:
- it’s about awareness — being conscious of how you’re relating to yourself and the world around you.
- it’s about acknowledgment — letting the hard stuff be hard without being impressed by the hard or thinking that the hard defines you.
- it’s about possibility — taking information and making conscious choices.
- it’s about patterns — recognizing how things fit together and intentionally mixing things up.
- it’s about flow — moving away from things that result in paralysis, and reconfiguring.
- it’s about sovereignty — owning your space and making decisions about what you do with it.
It gives you flexibility, agility, adaptability, grace and all sorts of other useful things. And most of all, it shows you options.
Back to the fox.
Where we tend to get messed up with the video game thing is this:
We forget that this is about Very Interior Design.
We forget that it’s our video game. Which means that there are always more options available than you might think.
At our retreat earlier this year, some people were scared of their own video game.
Because it might be a trap. Because what if you got to a point in this learning-about-your-stuff experience where you ended up stuck behind that wall and you were never able to get out again?
An infinite loop of stuck.
That would not be fun.
So, here’s a question: who is on your video game design team?
What about a fox?
Foxes have a severe dislike of being trapped. Understandably.
And I read somewhere once that a fox digging a hole or a tunnel will always create a second exit.
This may or may not be true, but it’s useful.
Since it’s your video game, you get to decide who you want on the design team.
I want a young Marilyn Monroe, for sass and determination. And a structural engineer, one with a sense of humor. And Shiva, for endings and new beginnings.
And I always want a fox.
The whole point of Very Interior Design is that it happens inside of you.
If being trapped is not an option, set things up so there is no way to be trapped.
We can’t control external circumstances, but we have a lot to say about how we interact with them. And we have a lot to say about what filters we perceive them through.
And we have a lot to say about how we navigate our internal spaces.
If safety is vital because you’re scared of what might happen when you encounter your monsters, then by all means, let’s make safety the hugest priority of your video game.
Let’s get some safety experts on your video game design team. Let’s get you a bunch of negotiators. And an ideal family. Let’s get you places of sanctuary. And canopies of peace.
And a fox. Because it’s your video game. And it’s your experience.
The fox is smarter than the wall.
In fact, the fox might even know that your walls are only there because they think you need them.
And that walls can be spoken to. And you can interact with them in a variety of ways.
The fox knows that exit points are as important as entry points.
The fox knows that intelligence wins out over brute force.
The fox is there to try things.
Which, really, is what this is about.
Creating safety. And then trying things. Creating safety. And then trying something else.
So that it’s not just an endless parade of smack-ow-smack-ow.
You make safe spaces in which to practice. You find out what your options are. You take notes. And you take care of yourself. Because this world is yours.
And comment zen.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
You’re more than welcome to share stuff you’re working on, things you’re thinking about related to foxes and video games and destuckification and Very Interior Design.
Love to all the commenter mice and the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads. Besos.
Very Personal Ads #55: computer in a coma, I know I know it’s serious
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let’s doooo eeet.
Thing 1: refuah shlema* for my poor computer.
Here’s what I want:
My beloved laptop had a heart attack on Thursday evening.
It is now at the Apple store, undergoing various complicated operations.
And I won’t have it until Friday. At least, I hope I’ll have it Friday. Because then I’ll be in New Mexico for two weeks.
Anyway. I want healing and safe recovery (both of the poor pooter and of the information on the hard-drive, yes?). Or another perfect, simple solution.
We have a complete back-up of everything through Toozday evening, so this is not a CRISIS. But I would like this to get resolved with speediness and ease. And either way, what I’m really asking for is the ability to keep getting done what needs to be done, remain hopeful, and not commandeer every computer in sight.
* Literally: a whole healing, complete recovery, full wellness. Colloquially: may you get better!
Ways this could work:
Maybe it will turn out that computer-sharing is the way to go and I’ll never go back to having my own. It could be like email sabbatical! Though I find that pretty hard to imagine.
Maybe another computer will miraculously show up to rent or use.
Maybe things can work out much more easily than I can currently imagine.
Or …?
My commitment.
To do what I can to get better at trusting that yeah, things work out.
To take this in good stride. Or, if I can’t, to be sweet with myself about the fact that I’m falling apart completely.
To do some writing about my relationship with technology … see what turns up.
Thing 2: timing!
Here’s what I want:
So much needs to happen this week.
I have a HAT to write (a Havi Announces a Thing page). And a class on copywriting to teach, how convenient!
Preparing for teaching at the Writer’s Retreat in Taos. And a million other things.
All without a computer. Hilarious!
I don’t know how things can fall into place, and happen in good timing with grace and smoothness, but that would be pretty awesome.
Ways this could work:
Hahahaha. I have no idea.
But I’m okay with being surprised.
My commitment.
I will do crazy amounts of Shiva Nata to untangle some patterns and start writing new ones.
I will ask for help.
I will laugh. A lot.
Thing 3: simplicity
Here’s what I want:
At the moment, most of what I’m working on, both in terms of internal stuff (Very Interior Design) and external stuff is all being complicated by … well, complications.
Actually, I suspect that I am making things more complicated than they need to be.
So what I’d really like this week (and in the weeks to come) is some clarity related to cutting to the chase, and where this is needed.
Not the shortcuts that come from avoiding the process that needs to be experienced.
The shortcuts that were always there but magically appear when you clear out a lot of junk.
Ways this could work:
Obviously I’ll be using Dance of Shiva for this one. Because that’s the best thing for showing you what your stuff looks like, and bringing the options you couldn’t see before right in front of your face.
And I can make it my theme/intention for writing and yoga and various other things that I practice.
My commitment.
To be receptive to the idea that simplicity is not cheating. Interesting.
To play around with different ways that things can be simple.
To look for meaning and elegance in simplicity.
To take notes about this new relationship.
To go easy on myself if I can. And to notice that I can’t if I can’t.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
To update y’all on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted support with projects and, while I’m definitely still working on that, progresses were made.
Writing about the Rally was super helpful. And things are moving.
I also wanted resolution to a sovereignty issue.
And that was super interesting. Because it got resolved quickly and easily. And instantly another one showed up. And another one.
Basically the whole week was interacting with the Hydra of sovereignty challenges.
I’m pretty sick of it. But I’m also getting way better at it. Which was kind of the point.
And I wanted time for projecting. That did not even slightly happen. But other things happened. So I’m going to have to rethink that ask and see what comes from it. A very interesting week, in hindsight. Stupid hindsight.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad to have everyone doing this with me.