this is the 378th week of wishing, come play!

a list of wishes

• I want to skip stones to learn what I know about making space delicious. What would be delicious business space for me? I mean, I used to own an imaginary chocolate shop, and I ran two decidedly non-imaginary retreat centers, which embodied delicious space, and I used to be a yoga teacher once upon a time, which is all about delicious internal space. Surely I can find an answer…
• new job: what is it and when does it begin?
• what is the best (let best = simple, immediate, clear, doable) solution for the building fund?
• what is here for me by the bay? / what is here for me on-and-down the road?
• what would tara do (the guest star on Leverage) and what does it mean to be a guest star, in all senses of the word star and guest?
• in 23 weeks which is a significant amount of weeks for me, we will arrive at 400 wishes, 450 chickens, 12 years of this business, and my 40th birthday: by the time we get there, I need to either transform/reconfigure this space into something sustainable that is a fair thing to model to the world, or let it go with a loving and thankful heart and find out what is next for me
• I don’t need to know what is next, but I want a star to steer towards, right now I know that I care a lot about my legacy, I care about the work of self-fluency and very interior design, I care a lot about the community, and I am not willing to model to the world something that doesn’t work.
• a very good rabbit hole for me right now is the life of Norma Kamali, I would like to investigate this more!
• it isn’t fair to the clandestine campers if movie hour is canceled because Timmy threw a rock through the window, but also circumstances mean there’s no way to watch the movie, so on behalf of the camp director I am requesting a very fun and playful solution to this, something so good that no one minds about not having movie hour, like maybe there are cupcakes instead or an extra long and luscious nap time, we are receptive to many beautiful ways this could work out to everyone’s benefit!
• more balance play / think like a dancer / I don’t need to tell the story
• clues to investigate: trust the diamond / solved by being spanish / dipper and crown / letting it be light

centered

everything that happened in September
(the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear)
brought me here, both to this new clarity about my yes,

now I am ready to learn about my center
and possibly also the center that houses my business
as I investigate delicious space

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called welcome to center
and it brought me here
this was a good wish for me

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

This is week 428 of this ritual, and so we chicken.

What’s been working? What do I want to play with….

Clues. Like riding the Magic Water road on the way to do tashlich, my favorite magic water ritual.

Next time I might try: not being so attached to the plan? The plan is just the thing that gets me moving, whatever happens next is the adventure. And hey, now I’m in San Francisco and next week Arizona and who knows after that.

Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

• I don’t know what happened this week — Sucktober! — but my ability to focus on work or on anything else was absolutely zero, and my confidence is shot. Breathing trust.
• The mystery of the museum (and my total inability to resolve it, combined with a deadline by which it has to be resolved) has me feeling intensely frustrated. Breathing compassion: this frustration is very understandable, and whatever I do next will be the right move, even if I don’t know what it is yet.
• Still experiencing these on-and-off waves of hurt and anger about something that is in the past, and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it. Breathing comfort, remembering that I always have the companionship of my wisest selves.
• Besieged By Monsters (it’s my new band and it’s just one guy). Comparison comparison comparison comparison, it never leads to anything good, and yet I got sucked all the way down that hole and couldn’t get out for days. Breathing truth, let’s remember truth: no one is better than I am at being me, which is the only thing that matters. And the best thing I can do for myself is not compare.
• How is it that I can hole up in rural Idaho and still find life too loud? Phones and microwaves and mysterious beeping, and why is the world built to be noisy? Big HSP discomfort. Breathing recovery.
• Unexpected things throwing me off. Breathing for delicious space.
• Missing. Breathing for this.
• Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!

• Spending an hour a day on the balance ops, learning about the me who can smile while wobbling. This is more fun than I thought it would be. Breathing for treasure.
• I invented a new form of dance! Or maybe a kind of drill, I don’t know. I feel very excited about this! Breathing for excitement and exploration.
• I have a really good idea that might change how I feel about the museum, it’s a bold move, but then maybe that’s what is needed. Breathing possibility and a love of doors.
• Love is treasure. Breathing love.
• New friends. Breathing appreciation.
• Being in the pool under the clouds and in the storm and under the vast sky of stars in the cool air. Breathing.
• Have been able to mostly transition from my angry avenging self, the who wants to burn everything down and lash out to hurt anyone who has every hurt me, to my Diana Rigg glamorous 60s Avenger self who solves problems by being calm, powerful, sexy and at ease in any situation. Having that very fabulous mental image has helped so much in making the switch — each time I catch myself in Destruction Mode and remember that I can actually solve this through being wildly glamorous instead. Thank you, proxy! Thank you, costumes! Thank you, play! Breathing joy.
• My charming and brilliant friend Steve released an audiobook of his short stories, narrated by a very entertaining British guy, I am so excited about this (take a look/listen here), not only because I made him talk philosophy and life dreams with me by text while he edited. Breathing happiness for friends and the beautiful amazing thing that is creative self-expression and invention.
• New approach. Idea sparks and stars. Breathing for incoming good.

Superpowers.

Last time I asked for the superpower of wild audacious powerful sexy radiance. I want to experience what it is like to be be in glow-state star-state, unapologetically taking up space and feeling amazing, thank you.

Working on it!

I want more of that, as well as the superpower of completely at ease being myself, because that’s the only job I want. And the advanced version of this, the superpower of I AM A STAR.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

this is the 377th week of wishing, come play!

the meeting point between not-knowing and knowing

obsessed with the idaho sky
constantly changing, endlessly fascinating
I like the cloud-watching maybe almost as much
as the star-gazing under the milky way
not a light in sight
just a wonderment of stars

under this sky I go back and forth between
sweet clarity: total certainty, saying yes to my yes
and then the opposite of that, the
immense not-knowing of the void,
the wobbliness of it all

thinking about things I might possibly want to do, like maybe….

• go to Boise (just for a day)
• take off for San Francisco (maybe for three days)
• not go anywhere (for as long as possible)
• change careers
• write about bells
• rescue the museum
• burn down the museum
• rebuild the museum
• sell tickets to the bonfire
• open all the doors
• hide out in Idaho and being a recluse (not in winter though because it’s cold)
• get blank business cards and write on them in invisible ink because I change my mind each day
• take up pole dancing, take down everything else
• live by the canyon with no neighbors and no curtains

but then so sure of everything

I want to devote myself to Very Interior Design
do less and choose ease
savor this moment
close doors that need closing to
open the door of the bell of opening keys
beautiful exit
beautiful entry
simplicity simplicity simplicity

adaptability and grace
I want the ability to switch modes faster
or to protect myself when I can’t
wild glamour a la Diana Rigg
a different kind of Avenger
the kind who wears sexy boots and strides through
[everything]
with confident ease and wild trust

come into center

I have been wishing wishes about space and spaciousness
making space for my yeses
what if nothing is wrong
what if nothing is wrong with letting go

balancing

I have been balancing: in the pool, on the board, in my dreams
because balance is the art of knowing that you are
in a constant state of falling
and being okay with that
as you make your small adjustments
with a smile

centered

being okay with not-balance is of course
the superpower of being centered with yourself,
so how funny-perfect to discover that
we are in the month of CENTER

everything that happened in September
(the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear)
brought me here, both to this new clarity about my yes,
as well as to these useful and sometimes uncomfortable
moments of wobbliness and questioning

delicious space

this month brings the superpower of delicious space
clearly this is needed
and maybe that’s how Diana Rigg’s Emma Peel is able to
maintain her internal sense of [calm, cool and in command]
even in the most precarious of situations

she has her boots and glamour
but also her trust in her ability
to maintain a sense of center

to maintain a sense of center

center and periphery
shields up
force field activated
and then I get to relax: suspended in the quiet
at the center of the center of the center
inside my circle of delicious space

this is my wish: what do I know about it

I keep getting thrown off center
yanked out of whatever state
(relaxation, creativity, holiness)
that I have immersed myself in

and then floundering and bewildered because
[what is] = so completely different than what I anticipated
but this is the aliveness of life,
going in and out of these states
the wobbling is the practice

maybe center is about resetting:
re-establishing yeses and boundaries
making more space for what I need
as well as more space to adapt to
sudden surprises

head

the head weighs a lot, which is why balance and centering
involve being clear and intentional about head position
not looking down

here we are at erev rosh hashana
the eve of the head of the year
the holiest day
high + holy

and I had a miscommunication with friends
because they are not jewish and so they assumed
this is the kind of new year that is about celebrating
when it is the kind of new year that is about contemplating
though also about blasting
it is not a party, it is a very big and intense door

eyes up
straight ahead
this is the head

stones for a new year

where do I want my head
how do I make safe — no, delicious — space for what I need
what supports my yes
what will help me adapt more easily
find my center
my delicious space
even/especially in moments of perceived tumultuousness

time for more quiet
waiting it out
listening deeper
taking it to the water,
filling up on appreciation for
the wild skies,
cloud formations
quiet and free under the stars

how do I want to meet this new year

clear the decks
clear head
approach with curiosity and intention
and sweetness, of course
always with sweetness

welcome, come in
what if the space I make for you is delicious
what if the space we make together is
even better than that

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called rainbow oasis
and I have been immersed in the pool, watching the play of light
finding my safe places
this was a good wish for me

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

This is week 427 of this ritual, and so we chicken.

What’s been working? What do I want to play with….

Words work for me.

I cannot even tell you how transformative it was to discover that editing anagrams to IGNITED!

For the first time in my life I was able to approach a massive editing project with excitement rather than dread. The truth is, I actually kind of like editing, but I never want to start. Sort of like how I never want to wash a gigantic pile of dishes but then I get into warm water zen state.

Except now I have the superpower of Excited and Ignited about editing, and this is very good.

I want to be more active and intentional with using word-magic.

Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

• The hard weekend that was hard. Breathing love.
• The aftermath of the hard weekend: I’d think I was finally okay and then get hit again with even more waves of big emotion and turmoil. Breathing safety.
• Vestibular hyperacusis: massive panic attacks and physical trauma triggered by very loud sounds. Breathing safety for Then and also for now.
• Patterns. I worked my ass off on an editing project, and finished all 23,600 words in one long intense day, thinking it would feel so good to be done, except then: whoosh straight into old monster patterns. Zero ability to celebrate the accomplishment and directly into panicking about everything I wasn’t dealing with while focused on the mission at hand. As if not a moment can be spared because I have to immediately go solve the next impossible mystery. It’s like I get to the top of the mountain and all my energy and attention has been focused on getting me to the top, and I am so thoroughly convinced that I will feel amazing when I get there, able to chill out and rest and enjoy the spectacular view. But that never actually happens because getting there reminds me of all the things I haven’t been taking care of while climbing the mountain, and I just want to throw up. Breathing compassion, it’s just a pattern, it’s part of the rigged game, it’s completely understandable. Noticing the pattern changes the pattern.
• The mystery/challenge that still doesn’t have a solution, and circumstances (plus an unanticipated piece of hard news) are forcing the deadline, and I still don’t know what the answer is or how to go about resolving this. Breathing.
• I don’t want to the museum to close because I’ve loved working there for the past eleven years, but I also don’t see a sustainable way to fund it, and I just don’t have energy required to design the exhibits and figure out fundraising. No, that’s not it, because it’s not just about energy, it’s about focus and intention. I need to be immersed in a creative state to be the best possible museum curator, and I can’t do that when I’m not being paid, and when there aren’t funds for the museum to run, and I don’t know what to do about this situation. Breathing trust, whatever the answer is, may I find peace with this.
• Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!

• The healing powers of water. Many peaceful hours in the pool letting go of things that are asking me to let them go. Breathing for the fantastic good fortune of house-sitting a place in the middle of nowhere with hot pools for me to play in.
• Being out under the milky way at night, my only view is stars, this is all I have wanted for months and months, and now it is here and it is so very good. Breathing appreciation.
• The situation that was so completely unbearably agonizingly painful a week ago is easing, there are still waves of big emotion around it, but each new day I have so much more intel, more awareness, more spaciousness, more peacefulness. I see the treasure and the blessing in going through it. I am okay. This is big movement in a positive direction, more than anticipated, each day easier, and next week easier than that, and so on. Breathing for perspective, and for love.
• Speaking of love, well, love is a very good thing. Love and sweetness, my week was full to the brim with these. Breathing for the treasure in this.
• Finished editing 23,600 words! Made enormous project on two other writing projects! Breathing celebration.
• In a rich vein of wild creative output, writing up a storm, full of ideas, perspective and insight. This is what it is like to be in a quiet place where I can play, after this intense year of noisy environments and chaos. Breathing joy.
• Last week I asked for a metaphor that would help me navigate a tough situation, and I found the most perfect one ever, almost by accident. Breathing appreciation.
• Lots of little mysteries and challenges have been resolving themselves quietly behind the scenes, without my input and without any worry on my part, this is good. Breathing thank you.
• Increased awareness of [patterns], small shifts, new choices, watching the kaleidoscope change based on how I react and how I change my approach. Breathing for this.
• Big excitement, big hope, big anticipation, bigness! Idea sparks and stars. Breathing for incoming good.

Superpowers.

Last time I asked for the superpower of Amazing Ease, Grace and Steadiness, so that this wobbly situation becomes something that is no big deal. This seemed like the most audacious thing in the world to ask for but here I am. I also specified “grace like not falling on my face, or at least doing it in style like I meant it”, and this week’s proxy involved being Diana Rigg from The Avengers, who is basically the embodiment of that. Perfect.

Now I would like the superpower of wild audacious powerful sexy radiance. I want to experience what it is like to be be in glow-state star-state, unapologetically taking up space and feeling amazing, thank you.

Announcement time….

Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

this is the 376th week of wishing, come play!

clues everywhere

once upon a time I wished for clues everywhere
(may I see them and laugh)
and now this is just a power that I have;
something that feels so familiar as to be intrinsic
I don’t even remember what it was like to not have
clues right in front of me
or to miss them even though I was tripping over them,
now I am someone who just lets them land in my heart
as easily as I would cup my hands to receive a snowflake
and let it kiss my waiting palms
whispering thank you

smile at stars

back in 2014 when I wished to be someone who sees clues everywhere I asked:

may I see clearly, breathe deeply,
take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness,
smile at stars

and now I am out in idaho on operation wild freedom under the stars
learning how to live by the moon
and be a star

smile at stars

this morning I forgot how to be in my star-like clarity and radiance
crying quietly in the car
thinking about something that hurts in my heart with intensity
thinking what if it hurts this much forever
I thought: I need to remember the stars
because then it will be okay

I will glow my way through this with love and compassion
with great tenderness for the tender places
and one day there will be ease
which will allow me to look back on this vulnerable time
and be at peace

then we arrived at the cafe and I went to the bathroom
on the wall in front of me:
a large print of The Starry Night

thank you, wishes / thank you, me-who-wishes

I wished to be someone who smiles at stars and look
here I am, smiling at stars
in a restroom in Twin Falls

I wished to be someone for whom
clues are readily available
and here I am, smiling at clues

whatever qualities and abilities I wish for today
will be mine one day
maybe they are mine already

friday

late friday night in the car on the way to a hotel
to hide out in a giant bed
and make space with sweetness and intention for
vulnerable honest open clarity
about a tangled heart-hurting situation

a combination of trepidation
what will I learn that I don’t want to know
and determination
the me of next week who has been through this weekend is
wiser and more grounded than I am, more trusting,
she has skills and superpowers that I don’t even know about,
and I am ready to meet her and become her

oasis

I thought: I need to be comforted
but there is something beyond comfort
what is it

glancing out the window of the car
passing a shop called Oasis
just as a song by the band Oasis comes on the radio
there it is
oasis is what I need

at the oasis

the hotel had a small hot pool
completely empty
and I immersed in it for a long hour the next morning
thinking many thoughts
alternating between raging vengeful fury lashing out in pain
splashing my anger across the tiled walls
the embodiment of turbulence
and also thankfulness for everything I have

for example

this quiet peaceful oasis all to myself
warm water is where I heal
and oh this unconditional brave love I have for myself
and healing is kind of my thing
gratitude for everything I have been through because now I
no longer fear exploring the dark places of my internal landscapes
thank you for this strong healthy body that I love and loves me back

I mean, wow, a healthy relationship with the space that houses me,
speaking of wishes I once never believed would come true
and all the many skills and superpowers I have
cultivated over the years
they are all here to help me cross through this
I trust my ability to do this, I trust my skills, I trust
the process of life
ready to love-more-trust-more

rainbow

suddenly a rainbow sliced across my field of vision
as light from outside met the water and
repeating shiva spiral patterns danced on the ceiling above me
I understood that this was a form of mikveh
a rainbow oasis
just for me

I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger
whose message is about a boundary that needs to be restored

restoration

it was beautifully clear which boundary was asking me for restoration
and so my anger turned to peaceful understanding
because there is actually no one to be angry at in this situation
and restoring the boundary can be as simple as
stating my preferences with clarity and love
(maybe not easy, but simple)
trusting that it is safe for me to want what I want
regardless of how it is received

resolution

everything that needed to be resolved was resolved
there were star clues everywhere
including on the tiny spur of a cowboy boot
stamped on the back of my hand at the dance club

star clues say: glow, glow
star clues say: do not forget your power
star clues say: give this time and presence
star clues say: be in your state of light to shed light

clear the path to clear the path
approach everything with intention and clarity
and it will get lighter

what other forms of resolution do I want to wish while I’m wishing

these are all interrelated wishes
even though I don’t see how they are connected yet:

wishing ease for the forgotten nightmares
for the violent night terrors to disappear
(I thought they already had but it turns out they’re
still happening every night and I just don’t register them consciously)

wishing ease for vestibular hyperacusis
whether in the form of a magical solution to it
or in the form of taking better care of myself
to guard my superpowers and protect my body

wishing ease for the parts of me who are still clinging to pain
yes please to laughter and love and perfect simple solutions
yes please to new metaphors
a new way of seeing
clear-eyed appreciation for what is

wishing to maintain this state of gratitude
for clarity and presence
rainbows and stars
what it means to have crossed through this intense weekend
and now here I am so ready to
glow my star power

the superpower of I Am So Very Clear

August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear

there is so much in this too that I had not anticipated: Clear Knowing, Discernment, Resonance, Transparency, all the many beautiful forms of clear

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called live by the moon
and this is exactly what I am doing

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡