this is the 369th week of wishing, come play!

chorus

I am changing the echoing
chorus in my mind from
regret regret regret regret
to learned something useful / new level of the video game
and, yes, hello new level of the video game
this is new

spins

I used to not like spins and turns and swingouts in dance
because they made me dizzy
and then I didn’t like because I felt scared or
maybe intimidated, not even sure why,
and then they didn’t scare me at all
I just didn’t like spinning
and now I do like spinning as well as practicing
I can even do some without falling on my face
and also when I fall on my face, I no longer grimace

but I still get frustrated with all the bits
that aren’t working, yet at least, and
there is something in here about
remembering that the Slow Motion Montage
is, in its nature,
something that takes place over time
gradual but also inexorable
it will get better

that is a good reminder for me

it’s something Esther Gokhale says a lot
you don’t learn something and keep getting better at it
you learn-and-forget, learn-and-forget, learn-and-forget
each time convinced you’ve lost it completely
but then the re-learning and re-remembering
gets better and easier
until eventually the new way lives in your body
and even if for a moment you forget,
you no longer freak out in the moment of recognizing the forgetting,
just like I no longer make the face when I fall

what do I wish for this week and beyond?

peacefulness
quiet
stars and moon
connected in/with nature
immersion in water
freedom of movement
recognizing where I have options I didn’t see before
intimacy with muse
being okay with the dark and the
big wild unknown

and of course better spins
metaphorically and at the studio
a steadiness and new trust

hmmm tell me more about peacefulness

when I say peacefulness what kind of peacefulness
is this peacefulness

that is the clean language version of what I want to ask
I am not sure how I feel about that name
but sometimes, often, I like to ask questions and skip stones this way

peaceful for me =
internal + external
both the state of mind and also
the conditions that allow for the state of mind
and also
the insistence on getting these

I have not been very Crown On about this
and am just now noticing to what extent I have
neglected to insist on the conditions that support my
peacefulness

who is the me who is very clear about peacefulness

ah, Stella under the stars of course
Stella who is a star
Stella who learns about stars
Stella who navigates by the stars
and who knows how to become a star

I had a dream the other night
my mother was still alive
and I had just learned that she had been a hollywood star
once upon a time
(in the world of dreams)
and I asked her if you can forget how to be a star
once you have been a star
but she said oh of course not
once a star always a star
you won’t forget it
and then she hugged me and I woke up

the mother I have in my dreams is
not that much like the mother I had in life
but they are both very intense

what are the superpowers of Stella Under The Stars

• Insisting On Supportive Conditions and Environments
• Being completely unapologetic about Taking Up Space
• Resentment levels: ZERO
  (maybe because she is so clear and committed regarding the above?)
• attuned to her wild witchy self
• shoots rainbows from her fingertips, no big deal
• always Congruencing, and effortlessly
• immerses in states of quiet
• releases the past, while receiving the treasure from having gone through it
• knows her limitations but respects them so much that she doesn’t see them as limitations, but rather uniquenesses (is that a word?)
• loves the dark
• goes dark both strategically and as a way of being in the world
• has astounding equilibrium
• can respond to X with love but also does not agree to X in her space
• lives by Do Less, Choose Ease, Savor This Moment
• is a cat, a panther, a pole dancer, and all kinds of trouble
• follows the stars, of course, and trusts in her star-state of being
• knows how to appreciate and celebrate her progress and achievements (this is the superpower that seems the most impossible and remote for me, even harder than shooting rainbows from fingertips)

eleven

my business, in the form of this website, is eleven years old this month
is that not amazing
and I will be forty this year
a few years ago I made a promise about
[a thing that would happen] at forty or by forty
this week the Bridge of Pleasure & Freedom reminded me
of that love-infused commitment, and said
you have to do this now
and you have to trust that it is right

it is a little bit scary, like spinning,
and I am asking for ease
and patience

a question

what is needed
what does it feel like to be someone who celebrates
myself and what I have made-and-done-and-been-and-become
as easily as I can for the people I love
where is the bridge

and a blessing

judaism has a blessing for just about everything and
this week I have been calling on a blessing
that I made up but maybe I didn’t
it is something like

thank you for this opportunity to
say no to something that is
such a clear no

next level of the video game is here
appreciating the beacons of no

what do I know about my wishes?

I am here
I am here
I am here
right now in this moment
echoing and reverberating
and if I can take one thing from these past eleven years here
I would like it to be the ability to trust
that yes, this presence is enough

now

97 degrees fahrenheit (36 celsius) tomorrow in Portland
and I am escaping, again, to the coast
to be in the sweet fog
and then in the darkness and the water
letting go of whatever needs letting go of
because I can feel
what wants to come in
under the stars

the superpower of deep listening

last month was HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody, and August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and that is exactly what I am doing

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called prowess …

and this wish is/was treasure, it is bringing me not only more balance and grace (internal and external) but much more calm when I am out of balance and grace, and it is also helping me figure out how I can be a beacon and an activist while also maintaining the quiet I need to function…..

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 419th week in a row and I am glad we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Asking “what is the version of this with less story?”

In other words, am I stew-stirring a narrative when I could acknowledge the feelings without buying into the story….

Also I invented an AWESOME DANCE DRILL that I am very excited about, it involves dancing to a song while standing on one leg, and not making the face if I fall.

I might try…

Given that it is not exactly a secret how important quiet is for me, making sure I get more of it is not a terrible idea.

Naming the days.

This was the week of welcome the muse and these were the days.

In my element! Salud y pesetas. The muse is welcome. Welcome, muse. Freedom is the foundation. Winged goddess of. Every turn is a solo turn.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

I Only Made The Face Once.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. This week was just incredibly hard for me. I cried a lot. A breath.
2. I cried in the park because I had nowhere to go, and this reminded me of then even though Now Is Not Then. Homelessness triggers and reminders everywhere. Nightmares at night. Awful memories of something scary, and I am not sure if it happened or not or where or when, everything around the memory is gone. Sitting in a park waiting for [all is clear] is the worst, and I didn’t even know I had so many different kinds of memories of this. And even when I remembered that I had somewhere to go and went there, it was not good for me to be there. A breath for safety.
3. I had trouble all week remembering that Now Is Not Then because now was reminding me of then in every possible way. A breath for remembering that is is only reminding me of then because it’s a chance to do things differently in this round of the video game.
4. And I need peacefulness and quiet to do my work, and everywhere I am is the opposite of that. Breathing for spaciousness.
5. Had the thought this week that I need a tattoo on the back of my wrist that says YOU DESERVE BETTER so that I see this and remember that it is true and do something about it, instead of putting up with the epic amounts of WUSIT (What Unsovereign Shit Is This) that I am currently putting up with. Another breath.
6. The beautiful faraway cowboy was AWOL and for five days barely even surfaced to say hello, and because I am having trouble differentiating between Now and Then, I was experiencing this like a repeat of the time the kid took off for Berlin and disappeared on me, for months, and then came back to Tel Aviv like he could just dust off his favorite plaything, as if I would just be there waiting. Big upset feelings of hurt hurt hurt and wanting to lash out, and knowing I don’t do that anymore but not able to remember why or what it is I do instead. A breath for now is now, and now is different.
7. Everything is no, which is useful, because no is a beacon, and also it’s really frustrating because I am in the no places. And I had a two day on-the-floor migraine of the kind when everyone wants to be in my head, which is also no. And there are too many mysteries to solve right now, and I still have too many jobs. A breath for all the right solutions — speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Many beautiful things happened this week which proved that now is in fact nothing like then, and All Is Well, it just is, even when I forget this. A breath of sweetness and presence.
2. The stone skipping not-a-course is amazing, and everyone in it is so great — what a gathering of warm, thoughtful, wonderful people, I feel so good about it! And no one is asking me questions or trying to get me to be in teacher mode, and it is heaven, I wish all courses were like this. A breath for play, and for all the seeds-and-sparks of wisdom that are going to change our worlds, I can absolutely feel the power of this and we only just started!
3. Agent Sloan invited me to stay with her and her cat — who is my favorite and also the schmooiest schmoo, and it was so quiet and peaceful and just what I needed most. A breath of thank you.
4. Incoming me is obsessed with floating in dark floatation tanks, and this was big healing this week. Intensity! A breath of thankfulness for the amazing discoveries and transformations that happen for me through this specific form of immersion. And also, while I may think I hate Portland, it is also the float tank capital of the world, which is not a bad place to visit. Breathing.
5. The beautiful faraway cowboy loves me, even when I forget this and am upset with him. A breath for remembering.
6. I followed Adrianna’s forever-advice (breakfast first!), and everything got better. A breath for listening.
7. Learning how to glow and to trust my glow. A breath for this.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a day trip to the coast turning into something longer, progress on the secret subterranean studio op, things being so bad that they forced me to switch seats which is how I learned about sloth sanctuaries, and if that’s not a clue, I don’t know what is. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Welcoming the Muse, inviting what needs to come in, and self-forgiveness , and that is exactly what I got.

Powers I want.

More of the same please and also the superpower of claiming space for myself, which is also the superpower of remembering that I matter and my state of well-being matters.

The Salve of Claiming Space.

This salve is about Crown On. It immediately bestows truth-seeds: you claiming space for you actually makes more space for other people to have their space, because things get more clear and delineated, less muddy. It is a kind and welcoming thing to do for other people, to glow boundaries for you. And it is a retroactive healing for all the past selves who didn’t get the space and safety they needed.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is from the moment I discovered the lock on the studio door doesn’t work, exactly like twenty years ago when I lived in a place that had no locks, and everyone thought it was the art gallery and would just wander in, and oh wow I got sent into some serious stuff aka….

Spirals of Then

Their latest album is Excellent Escapes And A Swing, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

The fantastic monster manual is still available in the place that used to be the the shop, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

this is the 368th week of wishing, come play!

welcome the muse / the muse is welcome

contrary to popular belief
[muse] is not capricious
you don’t need to set off on a complicated journey
no search party is required, there is no sense in wondering
where muse has gone or why —
it hasn’t gone anywhere

muse is here
it is just a question of being very clear with the welcoming intention
there is an invitation that needs to be issued
not the kind you send through the mail
a very immediate invitation

like the inhalation-moment of opening the door to welcome
a beloved person on the other side
you don’t knock for the muse and wait for muse to do the opening, no
definitely don’t cross your arms and wait for the knock,
or for muse to waltz in on its own
sure, sometimes it will, breathless, full of excited whisperings
but in general, as a rule,
the opening is your job
opening is the job

think of it this way:

their hands are too full with gifts and flowers
and anyway, just open the door

what it isn’t

in second grade we watched a film strip
about the postal system
a child put a letter into a mailbox
and then we followed the bright red envelope and its wild ride
the striking color making it stand out
amongst its thousands of white-and-beige traveling companions

I can’t remember what happened to the envelope
if it arrived at the house of a waiting pink-cheeked grandma
or something equally cliched

(wait, a memory inside the memory)

actually, huh, I just now realizde
my primary memory of this experience
is the utter exasperation and scorn seven year old me
had for the disproportionate excitement of her classmates
reacting to the visual trick of the colored envelope,
jumping and yelling I SEE IT I SEE IT THERE IT IS
each time it made an appearance on screen
when of course it would, that was the
entire point of the film strip
to a) show the envelope, and b) manipulate us into participation
now I am laughing because I hadn’t realized until now
how impatient seven year old me was, so aware of the rigged game,
the dissonance, the constant gaslighting

pause-and-breathe

a breath of appreciation for constantly-frustrated tiny-me
because this memory-story actually kind of explains a lot,
and also oh wow that poor hsp kid who had to spend her days in
a shouty overstimulating environment,
and a breath of appreciation for me-now who
can more easily understand see how following the grand adventures of a
red envelope might be a playful joyful thing
I might be better at being seven now than I was when it happened
(and also I would be better at being the red envelope…)

okay so that is not what I mean at all
obviously seven year old me was just-right at being seven
and gets all the sparklepoints forever
just noticing that me-now has uncovered a childlike wonder
which feels new

back to musings (yes) on what muse is and isn’t

muse is not the traveling red envelope
not for me,
it isn’t the sending of a request and then, who knows,
if all goes well, maybe you’ll receive a response or a visit
someday, someday
once your envelope has gone through all the envelope places
sure, sometimes it can work like that
or can be experienced that way

for me though, inviting the muse is more like opening the door
the moment of opening says yes, please: Entrez
I operate, always,
on the assumption is that muse is already here
waiting for me to open up
I’m the one who has forgotten to feel for
the tingly sensation, the certainty,
knowing something is here for me, waiting for me to say yes

more example stories of what muse is and isn’t (for me)

have you ever watched The Bold and The Beautiful
it’s a wonderfully terrible soap opera
maybe that’s true of all soap operas, I don’t know,
anyway, I used to watch it a million years ago
always with the sound off, reading the hebrew subtitles
purportedly to improve my speed reading but of course
I got addicted to the drama

anyway, the show centers around two competing fashion houses,
and there’s this recurring and ridiculous plot line
of oh no one of the designers can’t design
because he has lost his muse,
and this invariably means that he needs to sleep with someone
who is usually and inconveniently married to someone else,
and if you didn’t speak english (or hebrew)
no one would blame you for assuming that
“muse” and “getting laid” are actually synonyms

and hmmm okay there is an aspect of truth in this
for me, again, always for me
because damn writing goes better when I’m getting some
and I wouldn’t say no a hot ten minute dose of “muse” right now,
(yes, I miss the long lost cowboy)
not only for the writing boost but other side effects
like Inexplicably Miraculous Good Hair Day and
Can’t Stop Smiling

but it’s mostly a misunderstanding

because, again, muse doesn’t come as a result of
something happening
and muse doesn’t require other people to get involved
muse is waiting for you to get quiet enough
to open to it,
to remember that you can open to it
it is the declaration of receptivity that is
the invitation

and maybe sex is or can be a declaration of receptivity
or a reminder of what it is like to be in that state of mind,
that state of body-mind
this is more of a clue about muse though
than an explanation
what else do we know……

despite what you may have heard…muse is not petty

also not moody, picky, fussy, petulant or passive-aggressive
these are all misunderstandings

it is true that muse (generally) won’t burst in uninvited —
though again, sometimes it does, when it is needed
or maybe in a moment when you needed to know
how much you needed it
or maybe in a moment that is terribly inconvenient
because muse is like OH NO BABE WE ARE DOING THIS NOW —
but most of the time muse is at ease, calmly waiting
for you to notice-and-remember
to issue the invitation
from a state of quiet receptivity and that willing curious yes

invited

weekly family dinner with my aunt in tel aviv,
a marvelous chaotic affair always,
her father, in his nineties, the yekkiest of yekkim,
would absolutely refuse to come to the dining room table
at dinner time unless we specifically invited him by name `

even if someone yelled “dinner is ready” and everyone
started scrambling over each other in the direction of the dining room
he would sit upright in his chair
until eventually my aunt would ask why he wasn’t coming to dinner
and he would say
— lo huzmanti —
— I wasn’t invited —
and she’d sigh and say I’m inviting you now
and he would sniff THANK YOU and come to the table

muse can be the tiniest bit like this

but with a different intent, a different feel
muse isn’t miffed about not being invited
muse just wants you to say that you’re ready

SAY IT
NAME IT
WANT IT

muse will come onto the dance floor
when it’s good and ready
but if you want it to be ready
be brave and ask
and ask like you mean it
issue the invitation
open the door and say yes

like this

moses at the burning bush said hineni
here I am
abraham, jacob, samuel, isaiah
that’s what they all say
when [divine] calls on them
I am here
not just here but receptive, waiting, listening
alive with the tingly awe of this moment
that is a way to tell [muse]
you are ready to play
hineni

and like this

Sing, O Muse or: Sing in me, Muse
is how homer begins the Iliad
this is maybe the ancient Greek version of hineni
I’m listening, muse
come through me
I’m opening space for you

I can be the channel for wise me
but wise me comes in when wise me is welcomed

and maybe also like this

my lips hovering a millimeter and a half
apart from the lips of my lover
a moment of almost that is a declaration:
I am fully engaged in this now-ness,
come, come be magnetic and magnetized
with me
yes

it is understandable when we don’t ask

for one thing, the rigged game keeps us too busy
for the kind of getting-quiet-and-listening
getting-quiet-and-inviting
that welcoming the muse
requires

for another, we are afraid to know
what we don’t know
afraid of our desires

but —and I feel strongly about this —
there is big power in saying
here I am
and here we are
listening

what do I know about my wishes?

last week’s wishes were seeds of light that went deep
and now all I want to do is listen listen listen
and dismantle all the false constructions and camouflage
that keep my light from glowing (inward and outward)
I will listen for the melody
I will open the door to muse
to Freedom and to Pleasure
Presence and Intention
opening with crown on
full glow
I am here

p.s. you come still walk the path of stones with us

marvelous things come through turning inward and listening
you can also do it to fuck with the patriarchy and undo rigging
and of course participating in this course is a lovely way to
express appreciation for what is here
for the words I write each week and the work of self-fluency

and if all that weren’t enough there is also the course itself
six weeks of a path of stones in a secret online space
plus ebooklet plus deck of cards!

—> here is the sign up link, my loves!

now

last night I missed the bus back to Portland
which means it was not my bus
literally in addition to metaphorically
and I stayed in a hotel
wrapping up [past-me who was homeless] in
layers of safety and
love

though, still, nightmares through the night
and today dark circles under my eyes

the wifi password here is get your ship together
which might be the most prescient piece of
treasure I’ve ever received
as Agent Sloan said: what a heart clue
maybe that’s my stone to skip today

how do I wish to put my ship together? what is the feeling of my ship when it is together?

time to get quiet and listen

the superpower of deep listening

July was HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody, and the natural extension of that, which I didn’t even realize at the time of channeling the qualities for this year’s calendar, is exactly where we are now….

August is MUSE, and the superpower is Deep Listening

hearing the melody was good training for going ever deeper and listening to what is beyond the melody

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called let’s channel something new here …

and this wish set some things into motion for me, and both the bridge and the Italian told me something I wasn’t ready to hear, and it was important, and I am listening now….

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡