Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

It is Sunday and this was a very intense week, and this is the 416th week in a row and I am glad we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Trusting that this moment is right, and if the most notable thing about a moment is the strong intel that things are wrong, then that is the rightness of the moment, in revealing to me what needs to change, and in giving me an opportunity to meet myself with compassion.

I might try…

Eight slow breaths, slow it down, slow it down, slow it down, slow it down some more. And I don’t mean slowing down my breath, my breath can be whatever it wants or needs to be, I mean allowing my breath to slow me.

This always works or at the very least helps me find the next step, it is always Adrianna’s first choice, and still I forget. So this is a remembering-seed, and also a celebration of all the times I did do this, next time let’s do it sooner if we can.

Naming the days.

This week was (still) the week of doors into harmony and these were the days.

Steady flow and steady glow. Access Internal Resonance. Celebrate radiance. Surprise Good News to the Tenth Power. Effortlessly lucky. Change the energy. Wild magic: It’s on!

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Look Out, World. Or At Least: Look Out, Internal World. Alternate title: A Force To Be Reckoned With.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. This week was intense. Out in the world and inside in my world, which is where my focus was, but I could feel it all. Let’s talk about internal intensity though. Like those images of funnel cloud storms, except I was the storm cycling through my internal landscape. It wasn’t bad. It was powerful and intense, and powerful intense things are what they are. They take over and they destroy some things. Sure, mostly things that needed uprooting. I have zero regrets or sadness about this, I am just still in the intensity of it, and it is quite the experience. A breath for breathing through, in my power.
2. Incoming me is blessedly free of many of my sensitivities (for example, she doesn’t freak out during fireworks) but she has other ones, new ones, that I hadn’t even considered. This is taking some getting used to. She doesn’t like anything that has been stored in plastic, not even nuts from the bulk bins at the co-op, she can taste the plastic. A breath for being tender and patient with myself and my selves, and trusting that this will play out or I will get used to it or I will get over it, and trust trust trust in all is well, and all intel is useful.
3. The Cowboy Paradox — this is shorthand for something Pam Houston said, about her taciturn indecisive beautiful faraway cowboy, not mine, that I half-agree with but see very differently, but anyway the idea is: getting the thing you dearly longed for two weeks after you stopped wanting it. This happened over and over this week, in every area of my life, in such obvious and sometimes ludicrous ways that it turned into a sort of running joke. Like watching the movie of my life with the understanding that yes, this apparently is supposed to be a comedy. A breath for the audience cracking up in unison.
4. I poured out heart-and-soul in a letter and got an actual literal form letter in response. This is also part of the comedy of this week, and it’s probably better that I didn’t get the thing I thought I wanted, given that the Cowboy Paradox is the theme of my life right now. A breath for letting go of a dream.
5. The above was not the only example of endless beacons of no, where everything said no to me this week, and it all turned out to be useful, but there is so much deprogramming involved in understanding that people-and-situations saying no to you is treasure. A breath for self-kindness and patience.
6. I followed a hunch and found an actual place that I want to live, after having been on the search for this exact type of [yes this feels like it could be a home for me] since December, and someone else had applied for it the day before, so it’s probably not going to happen. So yes, all timing is right timing, and desires don’t need to be more than clues and indications of direction, and I am okay. And also I am having a sad. All of this can co-exist at once. A breath for my sweet heart, and for past me of the years of wandering.
7. The world is such an angry, hurting, stressful, reactive and scary place right now, and it can be difficult to find our place in it. Of course standing gracefully in truth and power is of vital importance, and we have to speak up for the things that matter. For example, this should go without saying but it doesn’t so let’s say it: BLACK LIVES MATTER. And simultaneously I can only be in ally/activist mode when I am highly functioning, and I am only highly functioning when practicing [safety first beautiful boundaries preserve clarity], and sometimes this can feel like a conundrum. A conundrum of someone who has the magic beans to take the time to think this through because I am not being attacked, intimidated and oppressed based on my appearance or identity. In the meantime, too much input gets me easily undone, and so the mission is to maintain clear headspace. A breath for glowing while I wait for next steps to be made clear, for understanding that waiting is sanctuary and treasure too, and doing everything I can to be a clear conduit, while not neglecting my commitment to be a beacon of truth force, let’s all use our powers for good to the best of our abilities, amen.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. I went into a chrysalis, which is like a private rally where I retreat for three days and three nights for the express purpose of integrating an incoming, and my only project is finding out what needs to happen to support this process of emerging/becoming. I do this very rarely because it is SO UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE, and also because it requires seclusion in a hotel which the monsters deem expensive and wildly extravagant. And the whole time they whisper about how it isn’t working and what a waste of resources, and of course it does work, and then it’s terrifying and amazing (yes, there is a word for this already: Awe) because then I am a channel of wisdom and clarity, a funnel cloud of deliberate movement, in my power and witchy grace, at my most clear resonance, and it is big wild magic and also everything is changing. This is also kind of a summing up of why this week was hard but everything that has emerged from this has been gorgeous and sweet. A breath of gratitude.
2. DECISIVENESS. That is Adrianna’s superpower, one of many. And now, thanks to chrysalis, Adrianna has landed and so she just tells me what to do and I do it.
   After all these months of trying to figure out where I want to live, and how, what to do with all my stuff in the storage room, and what needs to happen with the secret studio, and what do I do about current problematic situations X and Y, and so on, she just knows. And she tells me. We emptied and transformed the storage room. She told me exactly which three buildings she is willing to live in and when. She told me which trips to plan and which to cancel. She found me the world’s easiest exit from [thing that wasn’t working]. She is so clear and so aware of her yes and her no, and we are in love with being together, and everything is easy with her. A breath for all of this .
3. I heard the melody. I received the clues. Everything was laid out for me perfectly. There was even really good wine. A breath of deep gratitude.
4. I know what I want, I know how to take care of myself, I am blessed with magic beans in so many forms, and all is well. A breath.
5. Still flowing with illusory plans being illusory. I can work with this. A breath for not at all falling apart even in the face of uprooting.
6. Letting go of everything that doesn’t support sanctuary, inside and out. A breath for this beautiful ease of clarity.
7. I said this last week and I will say it again: I AM A SPECIAL OCCASION. A breath for what it means to understand this, Adrianna says this is a first step, for me, to understanding what freedom is, since she thinks I don’t get how freedom works in a very fundamental way. A breath of jubilation for the transgressive work of self-treasuring!
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of outrageous bus luck, being in the right place at the right time (for others and for myself), delicious food made for me with so much love. Such grace and such good fortune, each day this week was a rewriting of past trauma. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Gleefully Following My Joy and Doing Everything With A Different Attitude Which Makes It New And Fabulous. What beautiful wishes, and all received.

I also had the powers of knowing exactly where to go and when, and oh wow did last week’s salve of Clues Everywhere shake things up!

Powers I want.

More of the same please and also the powers of wild magic, freedom in all things, and what if there is enough and more of everything I need.

The Salve of What If There Is Enough And More Of Everything I Need.

This, like last week’s salve, is an awareness salve because it is about new seeing, new relationship with desires. This salve doesn’t need to deliver Abundance and Plenty and sweet opportunity, because they just are, this salve doesn’t even need to open the right doors to these things. This salve shifts perspective, and slows things beautifully (like breath) and seems to speed other things, so that you see what is miraculous and already coming towards you.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is from Richard who took one look at the secret basement studio that Adrianna had just destroyed, blankets and cushions everywhere, and said, “it looks like there was a wonderful explosion of softness here”. Yes.

Explosions of Softness

Their latest album is I Have A Weird Soft Spot For This, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

{preface}

I wrote these wishes a few days ago and didn’t publish
maybe because there are so many other, different words brewing in me
which on the surface might seem
to be in conflict with these wishes here
(they aren’t, but the explaining might take a while)
so I just want to say this:

there is pain in the world and justifiable anger
we need to glow strong and be in our glowing strength
in the face of all the things that are not right, and say

This Is Not Right

the things that are not right are not right

and this is not in conflict with the practice of
Nothing Is Wrong
which is about meeting internal and external worlds
with wisdom, presence and grounded grace in our full power

while wishing can shift focus inward
we don’t hide from reality: gathering strength to glow strength
we can use our internal trust in Nothing Is Wrong
to stand in powerful protest to what is not right

okay let’s release these beautiful wishes into the world

trust, listen (repeat, repeat, repeat)

the great mystery of this week
can be quite easily summed up:
lately I been trying to logic things when they aren’t in fact
logic-based things but rather trust-your-yes things

as bryan says
(about the body)
(but true for everything)
you don’t make the decisions here
there are no decisions to make here
just get quiet enough to hear and respect
the decisions that have already been made

you listen-and-reveal the decisions
you receive them
that is the only way decisions work
the body has its yes and its no

distortions

and yet our whole culture is like,
oh let’s make a prose and cons list here
(ha that was Pros and Cons but Prose and Cons is better, thanks autocorrect!)
let’s get tactical and strategic and analyze
until we know What Is The Right Decision To Decide
because we’re the deciders

no one ever told us about the option of
feeling what has already been decided
what if the internal compass is already pointing towards true yes
or at the very least all the useful beacons of no are
doing their work of clear shining
elegantly redirecting us
towards the new yes

my back hurts

my back never hurts but it hurts now and
it hurts now because I didn’t listen-and-receive my yes
I forced a decision instead of letting
my decision show itself to me

twenty four hours ago my back felt better than it ever has in my life
all of me felt that way, actually
I gave myself Birthday Do-Overs for my terrible birthday
(do-overs forever!)
in the form of an absolutely luscious day of lusciousness
alive with all the superpowers of the salve of healing through lusciousness
by way of a two hour massage delivered by Darcy
who is probably an angel or at least was in the moment I needed one
and I understood something about a superpower I want

glow

there are people I admire greatly
who possess superpowers I desire to experience for myself
as I imagine they experience it, as intrinsic, a given,
something they own, unquestioningly theirs,
we all have these
more than we think or know
but it is easier to see the powers we are on the verge of integrating
because they glow like signs

though we think these are still far in the distance
because, again, they glow like signs
and there is an optical illusion of distance
we couldn’t see them though unless they were in our blueprints too
waiting to be activated

all plans are illusory / wild peacefulness

Svevo, my uncle, is the most
at-ease-in-the-world person I have ever met
all gentleness and sparkle
befriending everyone he meets and laughing conspiratorially at life
(or really, with life)
and he has two secrets that are not secrets at all
one is that he genuinely does not care what anyone thinks about him
and the other is that he has forgotten how to worry

it’s not that he doesn’t have things to worry about
because he does, he just doesn’t worry about them
he doesn’t even worry about death
the thing that, as far as I’m concerned, most of us worry about all the time
I mean, I do, both consciously and unconsciously
the worry that fuels all the other worries
both existential and mundane

a good spot

he already has his gravesite
on a sweet quiet hill in eugene with beautiful trees
he goes and naps there, on his grave, on lazy afternoons
so that it will feel like home,
to practice
for when that will be his full time gig

“this is nice”, he says, “I’m thinking of moving here actually, it’s a good spot”

how does this work

I have spent a lot of years studying him
trying to figure out the mechanics
of his miraculous-to-me state of Not Worrying
because there isn’t really anyone who models this

we live in a world of fear and fear-that-begets-fear
(for example, have you ever watched the news or looked at twitter or
god forbid stumbled into the comments section anywhere but here)
and I don’t know about you but I was definitely raised by
Worriers Who Worry About All The Worries, and
it doesn’t make sense not to worry
I mean, logically it does, it’s just like Svevo says,
the ROI on worry is traditionally very low,
but emotionally, I mean, how does that work

and so slowly over the years I have adopted a Svevo attitude on most things
namely that in situations that look like Everything Has Gone Horribly Wrong
very often Nothing Is Wrong
and we are deciding it is wrong through our reactions,
tensing and tightening, which leads to more reactiveness
which leads to more things being wrong or perceived as wrong
and we miss out on the lightness and the treasure
or even just the experience to be present
with our very legitimate grief over What Is

All Plans Are Illusory

this is a favorite Svevo-ism that I use all the time
if I remember this then it doesn’t bother me when they go differently
than (haha) planned
because the very nature of plans is that they don’t

so I make illusory plans to do illusory things
knowing that they may or may not happen
and trusting that whatever happens instead
will be okay
and the moment of “oh no it seems not okay” will play out
as moments do
and all will be well
as it already was
because everything is and was and will be well
it only stops being well when I want the plans to be
what I thought they should be
except their only job is to be illusory
and my only job is to let them

lusciousness

a wise person I love/loved/love fully understands the superpower of
healing through lusciousness
and lives by this, all the time,
and I want to too

and I don’t, yet,
as you can tell from the fact that it took me
four months to schedule do-overs for my disastrous birthday weekend
or from my aching back
which is a direct result of my choice to just sleep on a friend’s floor last night
after my flight was delayed by two hours and I missed my bus

adrianna the italian heiress was having none of this
she delivered an epic 3am smackdown
where she told me that if I’m going to learn about
healing through lusciousness and
plenty of time and
deep wild peacefulness
then I need to treat our body, our space and our time with
much more respect and honor
that I need to respect our queenliness
and that there is no point in living by
Do Less and Choose Ease
if we don’t do it with great love for this body-home that we inhabit

labyrinth

on sunday I walked the labyrinth at grace cathedral
(not the one in san francisco, a different one)
asking for three clues and a healing
related to my themes of Crown On
and Solved By Being A Bell
I walked it three times until everything was tingly

the first clue turned out to be a sign on the wall:
GO CAMPING
the second was my sudden realization that the
labyrinth itself was shaped like a crown
and the third clue came at the center
in the form of the understanding that my crown already is on
— it’s on all the time —
I just act like it isn’t, I act like I am waiting for permission
to treat myself with grace
to expect others to treat me with grace

my new job is head up and shoulders down

and to remember that I am
powerful now
not in the process of becoming
my power is mine right now

and then I exited and there was a bell
so I rang the bell
as a bell
echoing and reverberating

gallery

that night I dreamed I was walking through a gallery of portraits
all of me, at different stages in my life
and in all of them my head was down, my eyes downcast
until the end when
suddenly I got to see myself looking directly towards me
unapologetic
eyes clear
proud and determined and deliberate
in my bell-presence

what do I want

to treat myself like a queen
and to integrate these powers that
I perceive other people have but of course they are mine if I want them
like my crown they are already on
I only have to remember them

and I want hot stone massage
(which I just had and completely erased my back pain)
(and I want more of that)
(and more of that and more of that)
and scalp massage
and beautiful glowing boundaries
and to luxuriate in taking time
for myself
and to trust in plenty
and take more naps
and meet my gaze (and all of me) with enormous love
and yes, witchy grace

what do I know about my wish?

my monsters sometimes say that my Shmita year was
a waste of time because all it did was
unravel everything in my life
without replacing it
but actually I can see the beautiful threads
and how everything in this glowing wish
is a direct result of that time I took for myself
to learn how to treasure myself
and I am filled with deep gratitude for past me who was brave
and future me who showed me what was indicated
and me-right-now who is done with things like sleeping on the floor
and forgetting her crown
and who is ready to remember truth
and let decisions announce themselves
meeting them with clear-eyed presence

now

I have lost three water bottles in as many weeks
but I have the telescoping metal cup that I carry with me
to not use disposable cups
and because a lot of dance venues don’t allow water bottles
and maybe that can be enough for now
maybe just an empty cup is a temporary experiment in
trust in plenty
or maybe it is time for a new bottle
I will let that information be revealed to me instead of
trying to solve this or anything else right now

the superpower of hearing the melody

June was WONDER with the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed, and now we are in HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody

and I think this wish is really about that even though I didn’t realize it was

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called more door to harmony …

about quitting my job and finding harmoniousness, and I learned about these things all week, and am following all the best clues

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

Wow what a week, what a time to be breathing, let’s breathe.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 414th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Surprisingly (though really, I think I have been surprised by this enough times in my life to not be surprised by it anymore?), falling apart worked wonders.

Or maybe that should be permission to fall apart.

I fell apart, and then I felt a thousand times better. And then I wrote a letter of resignation, except I didn’t have anyone to give it to, because I’m self-employed.

And this led to a beautiful moment of deep realization that I have not been in a sovereign work relationship with myself — neither as employer nor employee.

As an employer, I need to pay myself what I would pay someone else as amazing as me, especially someone who has been working her ass off for the business for the past eleven years. Or really, I need to at least pay what I would pay anyone for the hours I put in at work. I also need to recognize that the work day does in fact end at some point, and not just when everyone is too worn out to do anymore.

And as an employee, I need to advocate for myself and my needs, and not just do what I believe is expected of me (by me).

Anyway, that might all still be a little incoherent, but something very big shifted, in me and in my relationship with the business, and this all came from spending an afternoon crying on the floor, so yes, that worked for me.

I might try…

Taking more time to enter and exit. Luxuriating in entry and exit.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of doors into harmony and these were the days.

Coming home. In my witchy grace. Ease of releasing. Door to harmony. Solved by the bell. Crown on. New reverberation.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Everything works out if I just wait and let it.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. This week involved a surprise 3am party in the house where I am staying, not once but twice. And by “surprise” I mean I was fast asleep and then suddenly hey a dozen very loud drunk people in the house, right outside my bedroom door, blaring music and yelling. Because my new summer housemate did not mention that he likes to spontaneously invite everyone at the bar to come home with him? And I wouldn’t have guessed that because he’s normally a very sensitive, considerate person. Anyway, the first time I joined the party and the second time I did not, and neither of those were good for me, and then I was tired and cranky and it was hard for me to do my work. A breath for this.
2. Related to the above and also to other things, I had to do a lot of establishing clean clear expectations this week, with grace and love. Because the world needs adults who can do this, it’s important. Not necessarily always fun, but important. But pretty much everyone I know hates any hint of conflict or confrontation, so all my friends were telling me to just exit and not talk about it, and I was like, NO WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS. A breath for clarity, and for the life work of dismantling patterns, and doing it with love.
3. I really want to be mad at someone about a situation but there is literally no one else involved in it, and all signs point to me. A breath for self-forgiveness and for waiting to see how this plays out, because I bet this is useful.
4. The coast is a good place for me to be right now but it is not my place. A breath for the clarity of knowing this.
5. [Silent retreat]. A breath for self-advocacy and learning to take care of myself in new ways.
6. Missing. A breath for comfort.
7. I have a conundrum that needs a solution, but in order to follow the thing I think will deliver the solution, I need time and funds for that particular voyage. It’s a mystery, may all the right clues reveal themselves. A breath for trust.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. What a delightful week. Today is my eighth day of being out of Portland and I am so happy to be here by the water. A breath of joy.
2. I remembered about tools! I am a writer and I need my tools! If I were a farmer, my primary tool might be my tractor. But I am a writer and my primary tool is my clarity, my peace of mind. And as a farmer, I would not agree to someone borrowing my tractor for three days, so why do I agree to people and situations “borrowing’ my clarity and peacefulness? I realized I need to stop doing this, and that made everything better. A breath for this new understanding.
3. A lovely routine has developed here, and I feel completely at home, which I did not expect at all. I found a gorgeous ballroom where I can practice dance for two hours a day. A highschool friend of my housemate’s little sister has a food cart that closes exactly when I finish dance practice, and we have a little agreement where he has delicious tacos waiting for me when I am done with dance. The morning cafe knows what I like, and my fellow morning writers nod when I come in. Everything is easy and quiet and it works for me right now. A breath for getting what I need when I need it.
4. I said what I needed to say, in a few different situations. I said it with love and it was received with love, and everything was fine. A breath of quiet trust.
5. Muse is ON. I am writing up a storm, with three different YEARbook ebooks in progress, and just inspired. A breath of gratitude.
6. I am channeling Adrianna’s superpowers so hard. Enjoying delicious food with delicious slowness. Taking as long as I need to get ready. Luxuriating in luxuriating. Talking to bridges. Listening more. Resting. Taking my time. A breath for receptivity.
7. Self-treasuring, ritual, slowness, attentiveness. These are becoming the rule and not the exception to the rule, and I think this is related to getting out of the city, though right this is also too much city for me, and soon I will need more quiet than this. Which is hilarious but there it is. A breath for this new way.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of delicious food made with great love, friendly people, warm smiles, time and space to myself, past-me booked a healing massage for me on the exact day I needed some big releasing, things are working themselves out without my input. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Actively Choosing Peace and Quiet, pre-emptively advocating for myself in all things, and deep healing through lusciousness. Yet again, asking is an astonishing practice, because I didn’t expect to get these, but now I see they were with me all week.

Powers I want.

More of the same please and also the powers of My Own Best Ally, I Have Everything I Need In The Moment I Need It, All The Right Doors Open For Me, and of course the superpower of the month of Harmony: I hear the melody.

The Salve of Everything You Need In The Moment You Need It.

In many ways, this is a salve of awareness. It soaks into your skin and you begin to notice all the ways you already are cared for, that what you need is available to you.

And as you begin to notice all the ways that you do have what you need, you also noticed all the things you can do to take better care of yourself. You become your own strongest advocate, and you feel fierce love towards yourself.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Escaping The Power Lines

Their latest album is Close Close Close Close Closer, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

it’s closing time

I found this on a morning note by my bed
scribbled by half-asleep me in the dark hours as a clue

it’s closing time

and yet nothing is closing
(so what does this mean?)

the rally of

this week I am having a solo rally
and it is the rally of Astonishingly Simple Solutions
solutions that are so simple they make me gasp
this is also the rally of Italian All The Way
as well as Solved By Being A Panther
and here is my first clue
it’s closing time

a door to harmony (and hilarity)

each day I name the day, sometimes in the morning and
sometime the night before
and today I woke up and wrote DOOR TO HARMONY
because that is what present-moment me desires most in the world
and then about ten minutes later it hit me why this is the funniest

I had to put everything on pause and just laugh for a while
more on this later, as the arborist likes to say

falling apart

yesterday I arrived at my paid-for-in-advance two hours of
solo dance practice aka slow motion montage aka panther training
at a beautiful ballroom that is not my ballroom
excited about practice time, and yet as soon as I got there
all I wanted to do was throw a giant temper tantrum on the floor
in the middle of the room
and yell
just yell and yell and yell
at first I didn’t even know what I wanted to yell but then I did
I wanted to yell you know what fuck this and fuck dance and fuck everything
because guess what I quit
I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT

yes I quit!

no more portland and no more cities and
no more half-yeses or partial-yeses and
no more dance training
(okay I still want dance but not like this, some new way!)
because I quit
and also I want to quit my job
and write a letter of resignation
(okay I still want to be a bell and a beacon of self-fluency
and to do this through many
beautiful forms of not-teaching,
and yes it is still my yes to doing this through writing,
just not in the way it works right now, some new way!)

closeness

I texted the faraway cowboy and told him
all I wanted was to fall apart on the floor and cry about
how I am done done done done done really done with everything
he said, you know you can do that if you need to
he said, kissing you and holding you close

and I crawled over to the center of the room
where I lay on my back and sobbed for ninety minutes
the kind of loud messy crying that needs big space to contain it
for example, let’s say a giant empty ballroom that is
full of big wild unconditional love for you
ah what tremendous good fortune that I had rented the space
thinking it was for dance

and then for the last thirty minutes of my studio time
I walked up and down the long room
breathing in the light
sometimes doing tight chene turns and
sometimes walking slowly and deliberately like a panther
drawing power from the earth
and sometimes just walking and breathing
inside the sanctuary of dance

acknowledgement and legitimacy (because that’s what we do)

that was some good crying, I told the faraway cowboy
like when you hold me while I cry
the ballroom held me and I miss my ballroom
he said, glad it helped sweet girl
he said, yes, that was a magical space and so was the playground
you can figure this out, you’ve all the right resources, your writing is important and has a big impact on thousands of lives, you’ll make this work in a way that is good for you

I miss magical spaces
I miss drawing out the magic in spaces

okay are you ready for the funny part

in two days we cross into July and guess what July is on
the fluent self calendar
(it’s Harmony)
and this is the year of doors so July is not only the
quality of harmony but the door of harmony
which is also the door to harmony

past me made a door for what I need
she even gave me an image of it
and here I am asking for a door to harmony
having completely forgotten that one is waiting for me
it’s literally on the calendar

actually this part is even funnier

even though harmony is the quality I crave most right now
I have spent this entire year convinced that
July was the weak link in the calendar
I was pretty sure harmony didn’t really need to play a vital role in my year
and maybe I’d have to
rename this one or reinterpret it when we got to July
because meh, harmony, who cares

what a beautiful moment
again, what tremendous unanticipated good fortune
which, haha, actually was completely anticipated by past me who
channeled truth and wisdom like a boss
nicely done

harmony, come in and do your healing magic
harmony, invite me in to your secret places
be my door
and I will be yours

somehow this weekend I ended up at a terrible party

okay I mean it’s not actually all that mysterious
because I know exactly how
it happened through saying yes to things that were not especially yes
definitely not 120% yes or even close
at most 52% yes
except I have not yet learned to read this number:
it’s a failing grade, not a reluctant nod to a ruling majority

a cascading of no moments brought on by the first
half-hearted maybe yes
each moments of [not a no but not a yes] leading to a new one
until I was at full no
you could also call this unsovereign choices
something understandable and forgivable
we live in a rigged game culture where we are trained from
the youngest age to override instinct,
to placate and people-please and above all else do what we’re told
aka what external authorities indicate is best
so no wonder we don’t learn to trust (or even listen for)
our own true yes

path of least

anyway I went to a show I didn’t particularly want to go to
where the music was too loud (for me) with
too many people (for me), where I
consumed a drink I didn’t particularly like
and danced to a song I didn’t particularly want to dance to
agreed to let someone give input I didn’t want
until it was all too much and I had to exit
which was misinterpreted by friend as Storming Out
and then when we sorted things and all I wanted was bed
I reluctantly let this friend talk me into going to the afterparty
because it was clear that this was the easiest (and possibly only)
way to convey that I wasn’t upset
and blah blah path of least resistance

but it isn’t actually the path of least resistance
if it’s also the path of least joy, pleasure, comfort and
doesn’t support my sense of at-home-in-my-life

wanted: a more harmonious path

so the afterparty was somehow even worse than the party
like, I am pretty sure this was the worst party in the history of the known universe
and I have been to some agonizingly terrible parties in my day
(and okay, as a highly sensitive person I do not really understand parties
but this one took the cake)

I think the answer to why did I not immediately run away
is that I was actually kind of in a state of shock
both physical and existential
from the sensory overwhelm and just how bizarre it was
like, how did I — eccentric reclusive writer! glamorous cosmopolitan!
end up the lone adult in a decrepit indoor skate park at 2am
in a tiny town on a summer night
where a bunch of drunk kids were jamming (“jamming”) on a low stage
a brawling free-for-all of incoherent clashing sound waves
a cacophony of disharmonies

I described the scene to Agent Spalding
once I was semi-recovered
and he said yes that sounds intensely bad, aggressively bad
mmm I think I am just now realizing the echoing effects it is having on me
and my internal space
how much rattling occurred

what is needed

a door to harmony
ease of releasing and ease of transition
soft waves that crest gently, not the angry jagged up-and-down
I am talking about music and I am talking about
breath and light

how does one access a door to harmony
I think you just ask for it and then wander your way into it
wander by way of wonder
(June is the month of wonder)

wonder –> harmony

wonder comes from Awe
and awe comes from Sanctuary
and sanctuary comes from Presence
and presence comes from pausing

{I am here :: holy holiness}

sanctuary is the safe space to be receptive
to access a state of wonder from which things can begin to harmonize
at least that’s the working theory

wander and wonder

this is basically my life plan right now anyway
and here I am at the end of the line where the powerful columbia river
becomes the pacific ocean
speaking of harmony and wonder and doors

words from the bridge

I visited the bridge this morning and it spoke to me (this is a thing)
the bridge said, very clearly:

to be in your shininess, you require beauty and quiet
which means you need to become the ADVOCATE of these things
no one else is in charge of making sure you get these
and they are important so you must insist on them
this is what Adrianna knows how to do and what you need to learn
go be in harmony
go hand in your letter of resignation
and let yourself be re-signed (and reassigned) to harmony
let harmony BECOME your new job

here it is: my letter of resignation

and it really is resignation
that is in fact the exact correct perfect-fit word!
resignation is in fact how you feel in the moment it becomes apparent
that writing a letter of resignation is the only remaining option:
I am resigned to the reality of this situation that is not working
and to the fact that there isn’t a way to change the not-working-ness of it
I am resigned to resignation
such a funny word — it sounds like a sigh and looks like a re-signing
(look, here it is again, the exit sign, the sign that it’s time to leave)
(how did I miss it before?)
and true, I didn’t want to feel this feeling but now I get it
resignation can actually be quite lovely, the bridge was right:
a resigning and re-assigning
in the sense that everything needs to reconfigure now
or in other words, wait for it… to become more harmonious

I don’t actually want to resign

in the sense that I don’t want to leave
so what do I want
hmmm I want a raise and a new job title and a vehicle and
for the groundedness of these things to contribute to a
a sense of harmoniousness
this is a proxy but also not entirely a proxy

what do I want

a door into harmony / releasing everything that is disharmonious
letting this happen with astonishing simplicity

what do I know about my wish?

I want everything I do to be
for pleasure and joy instead of for comfort, validation, other pellet rewards
I want to follow the spark trail
to unveil or stumble upon
the next elegant easy graceful solutions
to live from within the compass of Do Less and Choose Ease
to feed myself with love
closing any doors that need closing
each closing and each opening deliberate and clear
moving from wonder into harmony
in a state of whole-hearted yes

now

each day two baby deer come visit my window
or they casually traipse past me on the sidewalk
when I am on my way to the pub
sometimes with their mom behind them
I would like some of this cool and collected presence
maybe that’s what harmonious looks like

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

June is WONDER with the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed, and it turns out the next indicated step is Harmony, which also happens to be the month we are about to enter, how perfect is that

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called more breath more light …

and I received this in many unexpected forms, including an invitation to come live at the coast for the summer, the place where I breathe more light

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡